I gotta tell you folks, EllisFam is a wonderful thing. Friday night I got to go race go karts with a few folks and shoot the shit afterwards, and god dammit it was fun. And we’re catapulting Rude Jude’s book up the bestseller charts like that shit was the sequel to cocaine. Pat yourself on the back guys, you’re awesome. Except that guy that called in talking about nuggets of poo getting trapped in his incredibly hairy ass that one time, that guy can fuck right off. And since it’s been a while since that happened, let’s hope there’s no repeat of it on the show today!!! Coming hot out of the gate, Jason started today’s show talking about how he might just be a half-assed slightly more stylish Adam Carolla. Just not as internationally recognized, but still pretty good. But basically the way he came to this conclusion is that they both box, and do radio, and want to race cars, so pretty much the same guys in different skins. Except that Ellis wouldn’t piss any money away trying to make his own wine. While we’re talking about Adam Carolla, it’s fair to note too that Dr. Drew is bringing Ellis onto his TV show and Podcast as often as he possibly can, which is great for Ellis and for all of Drew’s audience to get a different perspective on things. Plus, it seems like Dr. Drew works blue on his podcast, so he doesn’t have to bow down to the FCC on what he’s allowed to say and you can guarantee that he’s not slingin’ any bullshit. So Jason had a good time there cause it’s just like his show, except with a medical professional on call who asks the tough questions but also will not hesitate to call somebody a mother fucker and tell him to go polish a bull cock. Jason thinks he’s probably gonna be more like Tully in coming years, being that Tully kind of likes having a boring life and staying home after work with his kids and not going out and swinging his dick everywhere that he can. Ellis sent Katie out to get him a proper outfit for Dr. Drew’s show on HLN tonight, y’know, collard shirt and clean draws and shit, so expect to see our favorite overly tattooed Australian metalhead looking a bit more family friendly this evening. Tully is starting to come aroound to the idea that internet and cell phone addiction are real, to which I respond “Hey, I’m not suckin’ anybody’s dick to play sudoku at work or type stupid shit at people who I haven’t met in person” but I get his angle, cause every so often I have to jam on the brakes for some Asian kid who refuses to put down the iPhone long enough to check both ways before crossing the street. Besides, Tully still tries to get away with checking twitter every so often while he’s playing with his son, so you can be a consumer whore and still be an awesome parent. Of course, it will make you a terrible driver, just ask anybody who lives around lot’s of orientals AAAOOO!!! Just kidding folks, I’ve got no grudge against the Asians, they’re good folks, but their women are probably the least coordinated creatures on the planet, they’re like freshly birthed horses learning to walk, except they’re piloting 3,000 pound weapons of mass inconvenience. But seriously, Tully is trying to cut back his internet use and we support him because he’s a good dude and if he thinks it’ll make his days better, then go for it. He’s also pulling back on the drinking in the last few years, so him and the new intern are gonna be broing down blasting the Kevin Seconds acoustic record and writing straight edge manifestos to use as between-song-banter for the next Death!Death!Die! show. Jason is backing this particular life choice, simply because straight edge people seem to be pretty cool about gay rights, so much so that the straight edge community is pretty much just an offshoot of the gays, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, cause everybody likes brunch and lesbians are the most wonderful visual stimuli in all the world. There was an article in the Wall Street Journal today featuring Ellis’ workout routine and a little bit of interviewing with him. I read the piece, and while they probably gave all the information they really set out to, there were a few important facts missing that would have been pertinent, but then again I don’t work for the Wall Street Journal, cause I probably say fuck more often than they would like, plus I’d probably kick an investment banker in the dick, just on principle, on a really regular basis. So the guys talked about the article for a bit and all the companies that should be hooking Ellis up with some free shit sometime in the near future, and you can get a glimpse of EllisMania.com in the background of some photo that for some reason wasn’t on the article I read. But fuck all that, cause THE FUCKING CHURCH OF HADEN is in the studio today to rap with the guys about things and stuff. THC has been in the Wall Street Journal, and he’s also been in a fuckload of really good movies too. He knows how to make creepy voice too, and that is a talent in and of itself. WILSON came in just a few seconds too late to mention that THC has an intro and Thomas declared that it’s basically just a bumper of time for you to check your text messages, but if you’re like Tully, then it’s time for some reflective meditation about the posiitve aspects of life. Thomas has a movie coming out in Canada real soon, and it’ll be available in America real soon, so go check it out if you’re into that kind of thing. Ellis and Thomas bantered back and forth for a while about tacos and rebranding the show as “Talk Metal” because nothing says sell out like rebranding (loves ya, Church, you’re a good dude, not a sell out in the slightest). Ellis gave a quick rundown on what’s going on with the Awesome Guide To Life, but then THC started quoting Rude Jude’s lines from Jack The Cunt and the room got just a little bit more “Master Race-y” for two seconds, then went completely back to normal. Then Thomas started talking about day to day life on his ranch and it went right back to a “Red State” sort of vibe for a little while. But it’s good to know that cats can fend off snakes, should you ever need to know that kind of thing. Owls are pretty fucking savage too, they’ll eat puppies and giraffes and shit, anything stupid enough not to learn how to fly or keep one eye pointed at the nighttime sky. The Church learned this firsthand after he put a box of puppies on the back porch of his house overnight and nevre saw a single one of them again, BUT THE OWLS WERE HOOTING UP A MOTHER FUCKING STORM LIKE THEY JUST GOT HANDED A SMORGASBOARD OF SWEET DELICIOUS BABY CANINES!!! And thus, THC learned about the circle of life. He also saw it happen to Elle MacPherson, and she’s a really well known famous lady so that’s how you know the owls are out to fuck your shit up, cause they don’t slow their roll for celebrity vag. This prompted some talk about fighting animals, because it really is fun to throw around these kinds of scenarios every so often. Fighting an owl seems like it could be a good match up, like a five foot wingspan owl versus a reasonably fit, average to above average sized dude. Or a really drunk dude trying to fight a pig, which I have seen, and oddly enough it happened right here in Oakland, California. How about cows? Well, they may be friendly and stupid most of the time, but they’re just as mad at us for eating them as vegans are at everybody for eating them, so don’t trust them just cause you haven’t seen them move for twenty minutes except to snatch up another mouthful of grass.  Then THC mistakenly referred to a titmouse as a type of mouse instead of a bird, but that’s OK cause baby kangaroos and wallabies are about as adorable as Japanese girls being sweetly coerced out of their virginity. Tully isn’t a huge animal guy, but he did make friends with a rat at a punk squat in Manhattan, and there was that sort of stray cat that he used to take care of at his last apartment. THC reminded Ellis about the idea he had for Wolf Wipes, and I’ll tell you what, my ass does feel a touch chapped from this ridiculous paper that society keeps telling me to use. But nevermind that, cause the real issue here is whether or not Thomas Haden Church witnessed/assisted in the murder of Marilyn Monroe, and all he could say was “Yeah I remember that knife.” He’s really happy Jason is enjoying the Porsche though, cause he was getting almost no use out of it and such a fine piece of German engineering shouldn’t be left to the wayside. Some cunt accused THC of only doing a movie for the money, and then he called the fucker out on it and got an apology, cause you betta pay some fuckin’ RUHSPECK to the man that helped kill Marilyn Monroe. There were some phone calls about birds of prey eating household pets, and how the Bald Eagle, symbol of freedom and cheap beer everywhere, is really little more than the dumpster divers of the animal kingdom. And California condors are big enough to steal goats and deer and shit, so if we’re asking who would win that international throwdown, my money’s on the condor, not the drunken Scotsman. There was some talk about peyote and making a hallucinogenic dish similar to vegimite and toast, and if I had known about that when I was still in the Scouts I would have had the best fucking prank ever to play on the leaders. Some guy called in and said an owl snatched a parrot right off his shoulder, which has gotta be the lamest way to lose a pet ever, but still hilarious cause if you’re not a fucking pirate then knock it off with the god damn emotional support parrots in public, I’M TRYING TO GRAB A SANDWICH IN HERE, WHY THE FUCK DOES YOUR BIRD NEED TO BE IN THE SPOT WITH YOU?!??!?!?!?!!!? But that’s neither here nor there, cause the guys are bringing an old bit out of retirement, it’s the very segment that got me hooked on the show so long ago, that’s right, it’s DUDE IS IT GAY!!! But first, Shark news!!! In another show of Australians not giving the slightest bit of a fuck about anything, some guy got bit out in the ocean and didn’t even realize it at first, but after he did he stabbed the fucker then went back to shore, sewed up the wound himself and cracked a tall boy and took a breather before hopping back in the water. Ellis and Thomas threw around a few ideas on how to fight off sharks and monkeys, and it basically is no different from fighting off a human, just mangle the genitals and hope for the best. No creature on this great green earth is gonna come charging at you after that immediate life shattering sting that happens when you stab a mother fucker in the balls. With all that out of the way, let’s get back to the most important question of the day, DUDE!!!! danant danant danant IS IT GAY!!!!! danant danant danant FUCK YEAH!!! danananant danant danant DANNNAAAAAAHH!!! But first, Cumtard had to get a vocal kick to the balls for coming into the studio to tell Jason something and was still choking down a bite of some nasty peanut butter bar. AND NOW WE CAN TELL YOU IF YOU ARE IN FACT A RAGING WONDERFUL MAJESTIC WAY TOO ENTHUSIASTIC DRUM AND BASS JAMMING MIATA DRIVING INCREDIBLY WELL DRESSED FRIEND OF JACK THE CUNT!!! But first, let’s have Cumtard spin the wheel of doom and take his punishment of one Dirty Wilson. First caller we had asked if it was gay to have dreams about licking the tip of his boss’ dick, and since he can’t think of a good reason why he keeps doing it in the dream, like a drunken bet or something, it does very much seem gay, but THC has a theory that it’s a subconscious show of friendly subordination. But still, pretty gay. But gay guys are by and large paid pretty well, so maybe you just need to make that dream a reality, Matt. Next, a guy would go out with his Army buddies and have e-tard massage parties, which is a pretty gay activity no matter how much you fought for our country, but we appreciate the service. After that was a call from a dude who spent the night in a hotel room with two gay guys who kept getting up and switching beds groping the shit out of him while he was sleeping, which is only gay for the gay guys cause, well, they’re gay, and it’s not like he accepted a hummer or some anal off anybody, so not really gay. Next caller had to catch a taste of his own load to get his wife to maybe finally take one on the grille, which is a pretty gay thing to do, but not quite as gay as WILSON!!! rubbing his dirty smoking fingers across Cumtard’s face, complete with ashes and the filth of ten thousand generations of Pendarvis DNA. After that, a guy called to find out if it was gay for him to let his buddy watch porn in their hotel room and snap one off while the other dude was in the shower, then switch off when the other person was finished with whichever activity they were involved in, which isn’t gay, but is just a kind of generally weird thing for a friend to suggest. THC had a similar experience when he was on a road trip with some friends and one of them said he just had to fire off a handful of unborn children, and The Church of Haden had to lay down the law and tell him that if he did, he’d get his ass kicked and get tossed out on the highway cause nobody’s ever jerked off in a van without it somehow becoming a crime scene. Thomas had to leave at this point because he had to go do a taping for the Tonight Show, but before he left, he laid a sound drop for Red Dragons and another one for the Google game, all of which are gonna be great to hear later after the Jingleberries have a chance to play with it. But anyways, after the break, there was more DUDE! IS IT GAY!!! to get through, cause cause it’s been a long time since the last time they did this and guys have been doing some really questionably effeminate and homoerotic shit. This, unfortunately, was quickly derailed when Sam Rubin stopped by the studio to hang out for a while. There was a story that Tully floated about how Toni Braxton declared bankruptcy 6 months ago but just bought a 3 million dollar home in Calabassas, which made Sam mention that Jason’s article in the Wall Street Journal is worth 25,000 square feet of a home in Calabassas. Sam continued to Sam for a while, Samming his Sam and Sam Sam about Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam, while Sam and Sam Sam Sammed Sam Sam Sam Sam his Sam Sam spare tire Sam Sam Sam Sam prostitute Sam Sam Sam Sam thousands of dollars worth of heroin Sam Sam Sam Sam donkey show Sam Sam Sam Sam pork rinds Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Samming Sam in the Sam, during a Sam Sam backseat of a Rolls Royce with Justin Bieber Sam Sam Sam Sam called Queen Elizabeth a Sam and SammaLammaDingDong after Sam Sam Sam up his Sam sideways with rusty broken shovel Sam Sam Sam, and if THAT WASN’T ENOUGH Sam Sam Sam Samdancing to a black metal Sam Sam Sam instead of Sam Sam and a fucking metric cunt satchel of Sam Sam Sam Sam.

It was at this is the point in the show where I bashed myself in the face with a 3/4 inch ratchet handle to see if the fabric of reality was still intact.

After that, I got up, did some dishes, folded my laundry, trimmed my nails (fingers and toes, in case you were wondering), rewrote the first 35 chapters of War & Peace with fifteen new characters and now it takes place on a different planet where marmots are the size of apartment buildings and insects are involved in interspecies pornography, made a pot of chili, served it to the homeless, caught Kony and pulverized his testicles in a bench vice, rewired the smoke detectors in my entire apartment building to play Martha Reeve and the Vandella’s “Heatwave” whenever someone burns something in the oven, started a non-profit sports bar that only plays Curling and PeeWee kickball on the big screen, dug up Joan of Arc to see if she shaved her box or left that shit natural, smacked the shit out of a vegan hobo for denying my leftovers and then calling me an asshole for eating dairy, and knocked out a couple rounds of sudoku while I was waiting for an oil change on the Army surplus helicopter that I bought while I was installing a fully operational cybernetic rectum on a wounded veteran. Judging from what I saw on twitter, it looks like everybody else was just as productive as I was, and that makes me happy cause it’s nice to hear that my friends are getting things done with their time and fulfilling stuff they’ve been meaning to take care of.

Sam was still Sam Sam Sam Samming a water purifier full of gerbil semen Sam Sam Sam Samti-Christ Super Sam, Sam Sam Sam during the Sammer of Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Sammit, Janet, I love Sam, over at the FrankenSam Place, there’s a SaAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAaaaAAAAMM BURNING IN THE FIRE PLAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEE!!!! LET’S SAM THE SAM SAM AGAAAAAAIIIINNNNNN!!! I’M JUST A SWEET SAMVESTIIIITTTTEE!! FROM SAAAAMMMMMMSEXUAAALLLLLLLL SAMSYLVAAAANNNIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAHHHAAHHAAAA!!! IN JUST SEVEN DAYS…… I CAN MAKE YOU… A SAAAAAAAHHHAAHHAHHAHHAHAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!! I’ve lost all connection with the corporeal world here, people, if I don’t show up for work tomorrow, make sure somebody moves my truck before street sweeping day. And tell my girlfriend to send me a Sam that I can follow to get back to the Sam and hopefully make some contact with Sam before my Sam completely deteriorates and I can’t Sam myself properly anymore. The show ended with Sam graciously leaving us to hear a rant from Oxycotton John about cocks and some phone silence from people who still haven’t figured out the whole don’t die thing. And some guy called in trying to rip off the recap guy and somehow did a Sammier job of it than if the regular recap guy called in.

Red Dragons, SAM ,,rr,

Wanna know why the whole “Women, Am I Right?” bit is completely not offensive to anyone? Cause that shit is true! Case in point to all my feminists out there, this morning when I left the house to drive to work, I pulled out of my parking spot and turned the corner and about halfway up the block a lady flagged me down. Now, I don’t live in the ghetto, but the one house at the bottom of the hill I’m on looks like it may have been transplanted from one of America’s many fine ghettos, and I’m not a completely soulless individual, so if someone might need protection from the 7 AM meth lab crew that allegedly could be residing a stone’s throw away from my back porch, I’ve got enough compassion to remove them from the situation so they can seek proper assistance. I stopped, and this bitch hops in the passenger seat and says “Hey, I need a ride, and I got $10, or maybe I don’t, anyways whatever, let’s go.” First off folks, I’m not a morning person, and I know enough about the city of Oakland, CA to know that this lady is obviously either a hooker or a cop, and considering she just told me she needs a ride but wouldn’t say where to, I’d be more inclined to believe hooker, plus I may not be in the ghetto, but I’m relatively close to it, so there could be some outlying street love sales representatives wandering around. So I promptly tell this girl “I’m on my way to work, so get out” and this bitch has the nerve to start playing dumb and acting like she cant operate a car door and put her fucking feet back to the pavement so I can resume getting 3 miles to the dollar with my vehicle in motion, rather than paying $0.40 per minute leaving it idling in the middle of the road, reminding some lady that just cause I haven’t planted a footprint on her ass doesn’t mean we’re about to go on a fucking adventure or some such shit. Let’s just say I can’t wait to move to Canada, where the hookers have enough common courtesy to ask before they try to get a mother fucker hemmed up for some dumb shit. AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?!!?!?! Anyways, enough about my day, how are all of you? Good, shut the fuck up, collaborate and listen, cause it’s time for my favorite part of the day, the Jason Ellis show! Today’s show started with some talk about Chad Reed, cause he kicked some ass in Supercross this weekend and Jason is a huge fan, so he got to have his geek session and fantasize about blowing him for a while. Tully had a dream that he was bragging to Steven Tyler about some girl he almost had sex with, but then got struck with the realization that Steven could fuck anybody he wants, even that fine piece of ass Liv Tyler. Aside from the good times at Supercross, Jason had a rough weekend due to his lack of sleep aids and staying up too late at a porn convention, and that sounds like the kind of thing that would have pretty much anybody running a little ragged. But despite all that, Jason got the first class treatment at the races and so did the kids, and that’s what it’s all about. There was some talk about how the races went, and I didn’t watch cause I bought Gran Turismo 6 on sunday and did a little bit of racing of my own in a 1988 Volvo station wagon, cause nothing is funnier than a video game where you can spank a slew of rice rockets one after another in a Reagan-Era Swedish land-yacht. Some racer this weekend was throwing punches on his bike at the starting line this weekend, and somehow that has reversed Jason’s opinion on KTM making a shitty dirtbike. If you remember the Episode of Top Gear where the British hosts faced off with the Australian hosts, you’ll remember that KTM’s are great for sheep herding, as are Australians, so maybe they’re not completely worthless. All in all though, it sounded like a great show for everyone involved, and Ryan Villapoto is the Darth Vader of motocross and will strangle a mother fucker with his thoughts, if that’s what the race conditions call for. And Bubba Stewart kicked over Poto’s bike, so surely the Death Star is charging the main cannon as we speak. Chad Reed won though, so the joke’s on both of them. All of this has inspired Ellis to get back on the Dolce Diet and wants to fight at 170 in his next bout, which in this reporter’s opinion, will make Jason so incredibly pissed off from lack of cheese and free time that he will actually snap a mother fucker in half Hacksaw Jim Dugan style. There was more moto talk, including phone calls and stuff, it sounds like everyone was enjoying the whole topic. Ryan Dungey may not have won, but he was a super cool guy the whole time, all signing autographs for the fans and not swearing in front of kids and shit. DISRESPECTFUL TELEMARKETING CUNT! Sorry, they get me at the worst times, and that was two in a row. Rude Jude stopped by to hang out for a bit. Jude apparently has some really fantastic cologne and Tully couldn’t give a fuck less, cause he’s a dad and his wife is Japanese, and in her culture, scents and perfumes are a practice reserved for whores. Tully finished Jude’s book over the weekend and ranked it far above the caliber of Morrissey’s cunt session on paper. Tully’s wife is really into Jude’s story about eating the miscarriage. Just had to relay that, it doesn’t stop being funny. Jude said the whole experience didn’t bother him nearly as much as it should have because when he was growing up, his dad would get super pissed if you wasted food, so anytime Jude didn’t finish a sandwich and threw it out, dad would come in and feed it back to him straight out of the can. The only story Tully has about dumpster diving is one time when his sister got caught in one and he had to climb in and save her (AM I RIGHT??!?!?!? *ahem*). FUCK YOU WE DON’T NEED TOP PLACEMENT ON GOOGLE AND YOU CAN’T MAKE IT HAPPEN ANYWAYS!!! (Sorry, telemarketers again. They’re really breakin’ that ass open for our dollars today. Straight up beggin’ for the dick). Jude was equally inspired after Ellis explained the Chad Reed moto warlord comeback from this past weekend. And WILSON is incredibly creeped out by Jude’s existence, mostly for the fact that the stillbirth he ingested may have given him special black man illegitimate baby powers, like making great ribs and not needing current stickers on your license plate. But Jude still is super powered in his whiteness cause he’s seen the absolute worst that cunnilingus has to offer, so you can show up pissing battery acid and he’ll still nibble that cookie. The guys talked instagram for a bit, apparently Jude is working on getting a massive following and then getting kicked off again, while Ellis still has to check his @-mentions really often to try and keep track of what the fans/anti-fans are arguing about in the comment section of photos of hairless cats and his kids. Somebody brought up drugs in relation to Peet’s Coffee (which is both an accurate assessment, and a delicious brand of coffee) and somehow this made the conversation steer towards how much fun hallucinogens are. As a guy who was pretty much the only person in my high school who had the balls too try it, I gotta say I’m glad I “tried” them all those times, that shit was classic. Except that one time when I ended up paralyzed, lying on the floor in the hallway at that weird rich guy’s house that my brother was house sitting for and all his friends were there and a guy was doing coke and got some phone call that pissed him off and he went and smashed a bunch of shit while I was having a catatonic hardwood floor session for a couple hours. Jude has already gone way beyond that level, he erased his memory for the better part of a week using some Russian truth syrum and snorting massive amounts of ketamine, but that’s just cause he is a mother fucking champion. Jude once was hanging out with a girl who accidentally dosed herself with 30 hits of acid that she thought was liquid breath mints and she lost her shit for a few days, but what kept her going was the comfort of the fact that she might never come back and if this is a party then partying forever must be a really good thing. Ellis knows that he can pretty much never even attempt any of it again, cause some people have a shelf life for their drug use and once you reach it, you gotta cut it the fuck out. The guys kicked around the idea of which you would pick at this point in the game, having a finger smashed under a rubber mallet, or getting dosed. Tully is kind of on the fence, but definitely leaning more towards not having a finger smashed, cause it still feels like there could be some good times to be had with the acid, just that one last go round. Jude wouldn’t even resist taking the acid, just not while he’s on the clock. He’s a true professional, god dammit. Jude spotted Ellis’ bottles of Pedialyte and cough syrup, BUT WAIT THERE’S SPRITE TOO!!! So all the hype is bullshit, cause The Wing is sippin’ on some sizzurp, and not only that, but Justin Bieber is on some super high class $800 a bottle sizzurp like the shit was coming out of his faucet. Jude had to clear up some misconceptions about sizzurp by reminding the kids that you can pop a couple Vicodine and drink a Dr. Pepper and get way more fucked up, way cheaper. Interesting fact, mixing opiates and caffeine will get you fucked up like the highest high grade peyote. We could go on like this for hours, or you can go to Amazon and get Rude Jude’s book Hyena and have yourself a giggle anytime you like. Hey, it’ll keep you from getting your face worn out like a flight attendant. Some lady called in to explain sizzurp, and then explain that she didn’t know what sizzurp is, and then look like a complete idiot for calling in about sizzurp and not knowing shit about it, but another guy called in to clarify what the last lady might have meant and now it’s a dead issue. While we contemplate how we’re gonna allegedly start mixing household substances and medical compounds for spiritual enlightenment, let’s have a little Metallica to fuel our imaginations. After that, let’s head on over to Crue town.

HEY WANNA KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON IN AUSTRALIA?!?!??!! WELL GET A LOAD OF THIS SHIT!!! On the Australian incarnation of the Today Show, some dudes dropped their buddy in a fucking ridiculously flimsy cage into shark infested waters, cause that’s just how Aussies roll. Now, as you might assume, the sharks basically viewed this party animal like one of those rice candies where you eat the candy with the paper still on it, and promptly attempted to treat him like belated Christmas candy. And the guys who made this whole stunt happen gave some of the most ridiculously Australian commentary on the planning and execution of this event which was thoroughly entertaining to hear. They even invited the news caster to come by for a beer after the one guy renno’s the doghouse his wife has put him in. Some Australian kids made a YouTube video about how to resist peer pressure, cause nobody knows how to make responsible decisions like kids do! And man, these kids really know how to turn down massive amounts of cocaine like they’re trying to avoid dairy for 30 days or something. And the clip with the girl trying to convince the kid to get high is absolutely perfect, because we all know that one teenager who always turned down the chance at a hot girl showing them the slightest sign of affection in exchange for free drugs. It just keeps getting better too, there’s one bit where they think one of their friend’s has overdosed and the most intense reaction is one guy who just says “ah, shit.” If I had time to play on YouTube, I would find a way to make this my desktop or something, cause just the sound track is hilarious. Wilson came in to help Jason do a few Wolfkinves names, today we welcome to the ranks our newest brethren Robo-Whipped, Evil Worshiper, Street Ball, The Long Island Lolita, Buster Brown (which actually is the guy’s real name, so no nickname for him), Blood Goblet, Satan’s Ball Bag, Spermophobe, Gutter Eagle Stab Master, and Diamond Republican! We salute you, you fuckin’ wankers!!! Professional skateboarder Chris Cole stopped by to hang for a while. If you don’t know, he’s pretty much the new Ryan Sheckler, just not quite as southern Californian. I’ve seen quite a few contests and demos that feature him, and he is the fucking real deal when it comes to four wheels on a piece of wood going far beyond what anyone ever thought they could. Chris talked for a while about all of what he came up through to become the grand master that he is, and how it’s great to have a tight group of friends when you’re a kid, but it shelters you from having to learn how hard real life is cause you never get the joy of having your spirit crushed and having to duct tape the pieces back together to drag your sorry ass through another day. Chris has been lucky enough that he still gets to be a kid to some extent, but can handle the grown up responsible stuff when he needs to. And his wife doesn’t say dude, which is one of those really true marks of success. The guys talked for a while about the progression of skate boarding and how just cause you’re successful doesn’t mean you have to be a total prick or a sellout when you’re grown up and have more than one thing to do in your day besides riding that curb at the liquor store. Chris is proud of one particular high point of his skills, he’s definitely good at correcting mistakes. The guys talked a bit about the dynamics of sticking a good run and how Chris knows he’s not robotic and the real world doesn’t allow for perfectly repeatable circumstances every time, so it’s good to be able to adjust when shit isn’t going exactly how you were hoping and also makes for a great looking athletic spectacle. There was talk about skate contests, and stuff, and things, and that’s all well and good. I’m recovering from a wonderful pizza lunch, which is starting to feel like deja vu since I remember writing about pizza last week, and something about it makes me a far less hateful person for just a few minutes of the day, and that’s also how I feel about skateboarding, cause that shit is therapeutic. While Chris was still in studio, Dana White called in to chat with everybody for a while about UFC stuff. Long story short, there’s gonna be some more fights and another UFC real soon, but in breaking news, Dana is gonna be starting a new Ultimate Fighter type show, but this one is boxers only, so if you’re not into all that 5% gay shit that happens in MMA, you can stick with the tried and true brutality that is boxing! There was a little more bro session with Dana then he had to go back and continue mafiosoing his fight organization, so back to Chris Cole. One time, Chris met a gas station attendant who wanted to be Jason Ellis for Halloween, which would be weird if there wasn’t already a Jason Ellis impersonator roaming around Las Vegas trying to be everybody’s friend. This gave Ellis the idea to make a latex skull cap so you could mimic the head tattoo, and those lycra tattoo sleeves that are copies of his own tattoos, then all you need is an RDS T-shirt and a Dodge truck and you too can be Ellis for Halloween!!! The guys talked music for a bit cause Chris is a pretty varied guy musically, but Jason had to cut Katie off all the heavy shit cause her black metal doesn’t mesh well with the fact that she has road rage. There was some interesting talk on music, since music and skating go so well together (i.e. Steve Caballero and Agent Orange, to name one) and Tully thinks Chris Cole’s wife is weird for being into hardcore cause he’s never been all that into any music scene where he needed to worry about dropping his guard at a show. But it was interesting nonetheless hearing about everyone’s experience going to shows and fighting security guards and whose fingerwork they pay attention to when they’re watching somebody perform. The talk turned to parenting for a bit, cause as we all know, Jason is a dad and so is Chris, and Tully is the fucking super dad of a McGook baby who will stomp out the city of Tokyo with a handle of Johnnie Walker in his hands at all times one day in his not so distant future. There was a quick return to moto talk cause Chris is planning on going to Supercross this soon, so coordinating with Ellis about meeting up and being awesome with their kids seemed like it was worth planning, plus Ellis had to give Chris a bit of shit cause he’s too scared to try and jump a dirtbike but he’ll skate his balls and shaft off all day and night. And Chris can’t surf either cause he’s got shit for lung capacity, so it’s just one more strike against him being an awesome athlete, even though it’s been proven time and time again that he is. Surprisingly enough though, his punching skills landed him a spot on the wall just above Dr. Drew and just below Mike Jasper, so not all too terrible really. All this from a guy that doesn’t train in the slightest, just shreds all day and hangs out with his family when he’s not on tour, which is kind of everybody’s dream to some degree, I think. Shout out to the Cobra, let’s take a few minutes to regroup and have a bicycle race with Freddie Mercury.

Chris Cole mentioned that he knows a girl who’s awesome at moto, and this prompted the guys to bring up a video of a little Russian girl who is absolutely adorable, but she’s also a ridiculously high level boxer for someone who’s not even out of kindergarten. And much like the whole theory of EllisMania, we do love an underdog, and if there’s ever an underdog, it’s children. Tully knows that one day he’s gonna get some equipment around the house and maybe slap the pads with Linsanity, and that one day he’s gonna catch a hot one full of the combined geneoligy of drunken bar brawlers and centuries old martial artists, and on that day, Tully will murder his son, but not before casting a hex that will revive him to be a five year old abuse victim for all of eternity. And while that’s going on, the Russians are still being anti gay assholes and the Olympics are only getting closer, which means the figure skating couples is gonna get really awkward for Vladimir Putin when somebody gets hoisted in the air by the dick with the other skater’s mouth during a triple axle. Jetta put together a game for the guys to play, but not before Ellis and Pendarvis hammered out an idea for Chad Reed’s new signature cereal, Speedie Reedie’s, cause even pro motocross riders need breakfast, and you can be a sick cunt too kids, just stay focused, wide open, and eat your Reedie’s. The guys also kicked around the idea of making a Monster energy cereal too, but that might be a bad move cause they’re kind of getting looked at sideways lately cause they’re marketing to kids almost as hard as big tobacco used to do. So, the game, it’s the Etsy game again, if you don’t remember last time, Jason did all his Christmas shopping on Etsy cause people sell some wacky shit there and Katie really needed some taxidermied animals and a fox tail butt plug. The game is to guess how much stuff is selling for, like pornographic press on nails with cocks on every single one which are going for $25 a set, or a black tar foetus sculpture, roughly one foot tall, complete with dirty needles and broken glass, which you can own for a respectable $185 out the door. Or even a dissected unborn mummified baby pig, which you could accent your entertainment center with all for the low price of $67.99. And how can we forget to mention the Victorian Steampunk bustier, cause the steampunk thing refuses to die and there’s money to be made on this crap, specifically $125 for this poorly facelifted Victoria’s Secret gem. And no wall treatment is complete without a plaque of dead baby arms! Add style and disturbia to your home decor for only $20 and not a god damn penny more! What else could we try to top that with? HOW ABOUT REUSABLE WOOL MENSTRUAL PADS!!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!! LEMME CLEAN UP THIS VOMIT ALL OVER MYSELF AND THEN I’LL TAKE YOUR $13.50 AND YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF! And how about a snake vertebrae bracelet? It actually sounds like a half decent gift for a few people I know, and if I felt like getting those freeloading mother fuckers anything, it would only cost me $45. Next up, we’ve got some howling wolf pasties, for the classy stripper who works at a go-go bar and sometimes doesn’t feel like displaying all her emotional trauma every night of the week, and now she can keep that under wraps, for a paltry $12 of denial! And coming out of the gate next, we’ve got bright red finger shaped soaps that would almost certainly look like bloody turds as soon as you get them wet, and you can own them for just $6 and have all your friends think you’re an idiot! And if that’s not enough, you can get a moving blinking eye rig for your finger so that you can creep out anybody watching you while you play sudoku on your phone on the bus, and what’s more you can get this anti-poon device for a mere $32 and use the savings on porn. Next up, we have a piss and turd Christmas ornament, cause sometimes you need to leave a reminder for your family of why you never fucking visit, and it’s perfectly attainable at a squalid $6.75. After that, we’ve just gotta show you the maggot infested hair ties, so that you can look like a high class hipster hobo, and like you can’t see far enough in front of your face to notice how fucking ridiculous this shite is, and you can have it for just, well fuck I don’t know cause WIIIILLLLL interrupted to let the guys know that he’s been writing down all the really memorable stuff from the show today and started reading it, poetry jam style. And with no context, it sounds much deeper than it probably all really was, but if someone felt like recording and picking out all these lines, I’m sure it would be far less serious. Then he started ranting about a dead fetus and a toenail with a dick on it, and that shit just felt right coming out of Will’s mouth. And then for absolutely no clear reason at all, the last half hour turned into dead air on the on-demand, so fuck everything, I’m gonna have some ice cream and maybe get to bed at a reasonable god damn hour, so that tomorrow I’ll be clear headed enough that when a stranger tries to get in my truck that I’ll just sidestep the clutch and rooster the bitch.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

I just want to preface this post with a congratulations to our good friend and old school EllisFam member @emilyinSD who recently became pregnant with the second coming of Christ, which I have affectionately nicknamed the #SanDiegoSaviour, AND ALSO has kicked methamphetamines for good. Shout out to you, Emily, now go make that baby free some Jews and turn lake Tahoe into wine so us Nor-Cal folks can have a fuckin’ rager that’ll make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a coma ward. While we’re all making completely unfounded rumors about things and stuff just cause it’s funny, let’s have some fresh Jason Ellis show in the background! Today’s show started with fourteen minutes of Pink Floyd and I demand they refund my time for listening to that crap, and then Jason started talking about what a weird and overly depressing guy Will Pendarvis is to be around. But then, it’s kinda great cause he’s an endless source of entertainment in his own way. Jason is riding a wave of letting himself be a little fatter and this time he seems to be enjoying the shit out of it. Tully was kind of doing the same thing recently, but had to pull the plug on it when he started eying the snacks that were set out for the guests of his son’s birthday party, and he realized they were eating all the sub=par day old shit that him and the wife would never keep around, so he went and got some fresh top quality junk food for himself the next day. Jason has been trying to take all of life a little more easily these days. The neighbors he would normally be ready to grapple with over blocking his driveway, he’s just letting those guys slide. It all just kind of depends how stressed you are, really. Tully made the great analogy of some guy he saw losing his fuck mind on the freeway in traffic, white knuckling the steering wheel like he was about ready to suck a dick for some heroin, and how if you’re day isn’t quite as jam packed you can laugh at that guy, but just as easily turn into him if you end up having a bunch more things fill your schedule later on. There was some more talk about appreciating the journey and some shit, I was slightly distracted by some tasty ass birthday cake so I kinda missed it, but it sounded like something I’m sure someone needed to hear today. Might have helped Billy Corgan get over the crippling emotional trauma of going bald. Jason fell asleep watching episode after episode of Teen Wolf last night to try and get a better understanding of the show’s new friend Tyler Posey. It’s too far removed from the original for me to give a shit, but if you’re the type of Twilight-ey, sparkly vampire obsessed teenager that inhabits most of the young population these days, you should stop reading this and go to bed. There’s probably gonna be adult language that you’re not ready for in this recap. The guys talked acting and movies and TV for a little bit, with special guest WILSON! Long story short, Tyler has a new stalker named WILSON! and he may also be the newest member of Death!Death!Die! Jude stopped by to listen to an aircheck of WILSON and make fun of him with the rest of the guys, but that ended up not happening till later. Jude has been steering clear of all the wonderful substances that give him some of his best stories, but that’s never a bad thing. Jude tried to make it to Tully’s son’s birthday but missed it, and we would have loved to hear the recap of this. Linsanity has been all about Thomas the Tank Engine lately and Tully is convinced this shit is basically crack for children. Jude may not be doing drugs right now, but he’s back on the ho train, which Thomas could never be a part of cause he’s British and a wanker, but he could at least carry around all the schrapnel. Jude is thinking of getting into working out a little more, and Jason was happy to pass along his tips for keeping it from getting boring. Jude kept trying to scare Tully into staying out of the pool though, cause poor people make them way too contaminated with fecal matter. Jude couldn’t sop saying cunt hair so Ellis declared him an honorary Australian and we all have to get #CuntHair trending on twitter. The guys played WILSON’S aircheck from 1995 and sweet shit of Christ it was hilarious. He was basically the announcer for some radio station called “The Edge” and it sounded like that was the one part of his life when he actually might have gone ahead and hung himself on some basement plumbing. AND IT JUST WENT ON AND ON AND ON AND DIDN’T STOP BEING AWESOME HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! Oh, Will. We love you dude. Even if you are shitty at butt judging and make everything way more sad and creepy. Will left to go turn up the internet so the EllisMania feed would work again, and the rest of the guys gave their critique on all of Will’s undocumented talent for radio. There was some talk about ending the Sasquatch debate permanently by sending the Illuminati out to wrestle him into submission and then have him rip a guy’s face off live on the internet. Some dude says he’s already got one, but he’s been revealed for having a fake Sasquatch corpse in the past, so unless you can examine it yourself, don’t go wasting your money at the gift shop in the back of his house. Besides, we all know that Sasquatch is essentially the Canadian Jesus, so after Emily’s done giving birth to the #SanDiegoSaviour, Sasquatch is headed north for some poutine and a Leafs game and maybe a little rapture after all that’s over with. Somehow the conversation turned to Jesus being an ass baby, and I think that’s just rude cause I’m pretty sure Emily isn’t into that kind of thing and the #SanDiegoSaviour deserves a little more respect than that. Jude’s book has been selling like hot cakes and he wants to thank all the EllisFam that bought one, from the bottom of his twisted fucked up heart. Let’s take it back to the early 80’s and regroup after hearing about Prince wanting to fuck us until dawn.

MMA NEWS! Meisha Tate is gonna be back in the octagon on April 19th fighting Liz Carmouch, and since there’s almost no other women in professional MMA, it’s fair to say that this isn’t the last time these two will be squaring off against each other. There was some more talk about women’s mixed martial arts and unfortunately it doesn’t equate to gay female porn the same way men’s MMA does, so I kinda went glassy and contemplated the pizza in my stomach slowly digesting itself into poo and also setting off a wonderful rush of endorphins from all that delicious mozzarella and garlic that went into making it, but Tully read some article about how women’s bodies top out a lot younger than men’s do, so even the fittest of the fit aren’t performing as well at 30 as they did when they were 18. On a sad note though, Cat Zingano’s husband passed away yesterday and there’s rumors it was a suicide, and since that shit is a fucked up ride no matter who you are, we here at NYA extend our condolences cause nobody deserves to go through that. Somebody’s alleging that they want to crank out 57 babies with Ronda Rousey, but she would probably snap the poor fucker in half in a hormone rage while giving birth to number 7 or 8. Just my opinion, if we’re taking educated guesses and making hypotheses or Vegas odds about the whole idea. Ellis wouldn’t let that shit happen though, he’d have those kids living in dog crates and foraging the wilderness for food by the time they’re old enough to crawl. But fuck all that, cause if you haven’t heard, Jason has a second book and it’s getting closer to hitting the shelves every day. He’s gonna be hitting the road promoting the fuck out of it like some old timey medicine salesman too, y’know, like before big pharma took over the medical industry and raped it’s entire customer base, selling you diseases that don’t exist so you have to take medications that won’t cure anything and have side effects that make you need more medication. But Jason would really love to do more TV spots this time around, and not just from people that he already knows, big time people like Conan and that obnoxious bitch Chelsea Handler. The guys kicked around some ideas and turned to twitter and the phones for ideas on how to help market the book and it all boils down to making it more female friendly, cause us men really do need you ladies more than you’re ever gonna need us, so it’s not a bad idea to get in your good graces before the vaginal uprising of 2029 that will certainly be the downfall of anything with a penis. There was one idea to go on a late night talk show tattoo tour and have every single talk show host tattoo Jason’s ass, but the hosts are likely too squeamish to go through with it. Or possibly Joe Rogan choking him out on TV and then having Donald Schultz come in and fire snakes out of a t-shirt cannon at him or some such shit. A girl suggested stealing the social media move from Betty White that got her a guest spot on SNL, but Tully knows from radio experience that the same trick has been used for years by band with fan clubs and doesn’t always guarantee quality of product so most people don’t pander to it. Someone else suggested having a Taintstick Reunion tour, complete with Hologram Tony Hawk and absolutely no music from the later “Triple D” years, but of course that guy is a god damn moron and probably doesn’t realize that all of the same members are in D!D!D! as there are in Taintstick, not counting the guest vocals that are on  few of the tracks from the later releases. The Tom Green podcast was suggested as a possible show to guest on, as well as going on Conan and titty fucking that porky bitch Andy Richter. Tully suggested going on the price is right and plugging the hell out of the book every chance he could get. There were suggestions for racing Jimmy Fallon in the crazy carts, or eating a slurry of fear factor-esque disgusting animal parts, or starting your own late night show and interviewing yourself. The guys took a break to try out some undiscovered Johnny Cash tunes fresh out of the archives of some shit he wrote back in the 80’s way before he was dead. If you like Cash, you probably enjoyed it, but if you don’t like Johnny Cash well then I invite you to throw yourself into traffic and maybe it’ll learn you something.

A guy who may or may not be what is classically known as a “pimp” has filed a lawsuit against Nike for not suitably disclaiming that a pair of shoes could be used as a deadly weapon, after he may or may not have been involved in some sort of physical altercation where an old school Mexican child rearing session took place involving a Nike shoe. WILSON knows plenty about frivolous lawsuits, cause one time he got in a car accident and the lady who hit him sued him for being in her way, cause y’know, women, am I right? The crew  was about to take some time to assign a few new Wolfknives names, after listening to a classic WILSON aircheck of him giving birth to a baby live on some top 40 rock station he used to work for that probably canned his ass afterwards for making a mess in the studio and refusing to pay for a carpet shampooer rental. Not long after, Ellis and WILSON had a little marital spat that even the #SanDiegoSaviour wouldn’t have been able to resolve. While WILSON took a few minutes to change tampons, Tully read off a news story about some hillbilly hunting group that was auctioning off a trip to go kill some super endangered rhinos, TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT ENDANGERED RHINOS AND DONATE THE PROCEEDS TO PROTECT THE RHINOS FROM STUPID FUCKING HILLBILLIES! Cause I guess it’s in their best interest to make sure they’re still around for future generations to kill. Makes enough since, I suppose, and they’re only gonna kill one of the over the hill, out to pasture, on his way out rhinos, not a spry young breeding grade rhino. Perfect fucking logic, like making birth control harder to get AND refusing to teach people about safe sex and using protection. Some guy who’s done a bit of hunting in Africa called in to try and defend it, but was quickly shut the fuck down cause rich assholes are really bad at trying to be worldly and need to knock it the fuck off. A girl with a humongous clit called in to say she’s done beating herself up about her micro penis and has even gone as far as decorating it for Christmas and making the best of what you’ve been given. She even woke up to a birthday hummer from her boyfriend, who has never had an issue with her monstrous happy switch and is happily turning it into his own personal doom spigot.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS! Justin Bieber had the cops show up to his house and there was a bunch of yayo right the fuck out in the open, just proving that he’s well on his way to either joining the 27 club, or becoming a 400lb white supremacist’s concubine in federal prison. Luckily that shithead Lil’ Za is under arrest for narcotics related stuff after this incident, and since the Biebs is retired, he no longer has pop star diplomatic immunity, so he should keep the pipes clean for a while unless he wants to eat jello out of a serial killer’s rectum for five to ten. Kanye West got into some shit with some guy who was trying to help Kim into the hospital while the paparazzi was swarming her at the door, but then the guy started shouting N-bombs and gay slurs at everybody involved and being a general asshole, even going so far as to call Kim a N-bomb lover. The guys kicked around the idea of having angry voyeuristic talking cabbage patch kid dolls and I for one think that it’s pretty much the next sort of evolution in the whole furrie/bronie/bear-and-twink/watch-me-fuck-your-girlfriend-while-you-chain-smoke-and-ream-your-ass-with-a-crown-of-broccoli scene of people who have weird sex that really isn’t as strange as your average person is taking part in cause we’re all kinda fucked up nowadays and want to put our parts on and into things that we wouldn’t have thought to put them on and in way back in the day. TECHNOLOGY!!! Fuck yeah! Making normal people have sadistic sexual urges!!! Doug Benson was supposed to stop by today, but Cumtard forgot to pass along the address to the new studio so it’s unclear if he’s gonna be showing up. To make up for this, the Tard had to spin the wheel of doom and landed on the shock taco, which involves eating a taco while being electrocuted, which is that much worse for Kevin because his body doesn’t react well to onions, and a really well made taco is gonna have at least some onions somewhere in the mix of everything inside of it. Kevin tried to get out of it by offering to piss into his own mouth every day for a week, but WILSON decided that somehow the logistics of that weren’t acceptable for SiriusXM’s insurance, so back to electrocutions and vomiting. If you like hearing Kevin scream in pain and dry heave over shit that really doesn’t phase anybody else, then you probably enjoyed hearing it just as much as I enjoy fucking with recording assisted telemarketing calls regarding top placement for my company on Google, as though that were actually something that could be purchased from any company other than Google. The guys took some phone calls for a bit and they didn’t really pan out to anyone actually responding to anything but SparkleHorse called in and it’s always nice to here from the gay motorcycle mechanic mascot of the Wolfknives. Jason took a little time to rattle off ideas for some of the on air ads for his book and since it’s gonna be on every other channel on SiriusXM, it was a real challenge trying to keep a promo G-rated when a big percentage of the book is all about smashing the gash and shitting in people’s holes, or something like that. But it’ll teach you what haircut goes best with dropping a splattery deuce all over someone’s ovaries, so there’s that. WILSON tried to help with this, and that seemed to streamline the process of coming up with advertisements for a book about defecation into people’s orifices, but still kept it all pretty light hearted and informative for some of us who might not know all the ins and outs of what Jason does to be the guy he is. Jason is gonna become Miley Cyrus for some portion of the book advertising campaign, cause apparently she’s got an album coming out ten years ago in two weeks last month in the distant future a long time ago in a galaxy far far away tomorrow nine and a half weeks from now inside of Mother Theresa’s mummified nasal cavity where the wild things are, and in channeling this Disney star turned pop culture shill, Jason is gonna hopefully get a couple more views on Amazon which should help cover production costs for the new book. Considering how badly Cumtard fucked most of the plans for the show today, the guys were very happy with the outcome of events today and were happy and jovial in the last half hour. Tully had a really surreal moment over the winter vacation where he was listening to the Jason Ellis channel and got an email from Jason and saw his name appear twice on his home screen and slipped into a K-hole of wonderment over the fact that he knows the guy he’s listening to on the radio, and in this particular case he’s not talking about himself. There were some final calls on a whole range of topics like the German language, Cumtard drinking obscure bodily fluids, vomiting while playing the drums, the great new directions the show is taking, Sasquatch being the real president of Canada as well as their Messiah and everyone’s personal confidante and little league football coach, ripping off Tim the Toolman Taylor, and after a long pouty delay, WILSON came back in to do Wolfknife names. Today we got to salute the newest members President Squatch, The Shit Man, Inspector Log, Shit Warrior, ConstiPeyton Manning, Darryl Shitberry, Shiny Horse Log, Alanis Morrishit, The Exfoliator of Shit, Turd Gurgler, Shit Kicker, Kyron Pepper, and Zeus God Lord. The recap guy called in to be dry and boring and that was annoying, but luckily it’s over andeverything before that was pretty goddamn fantastic, so we can just move on and enjoy the rest of whatever the day holds for us and count our blessings if our Wolfknives name doesn’t have the word shit in it…

the way mine does…

Son of a bitch.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Let me just start this by letting you all know that I’m incredibly sore all over, and not from fucking your mom cause I got that ho on lock and she paid for a massage with a happy ending after I blasted out her vag. No, my kind of sore is from putting in real legitimate work, unlike this website where I am blessed with the opportunity to have brain diarrhea all over your face in almost complete anonymity. Oh, and a belated happy new year or Kwanzaa or whatever excuse you use to get raging drunk and eat too much and try to stab one of your relatives in December. Today is the SECOND all new Jason Ellis show of 2014 and it kicked off with Ellis and the boys reporting live from the Agenda trade show, where all the makers of action sports clothing and accessories meet up to hawk their wares like some old timey Arabian bazaar. If you don’t remember the story, Ellis once missed a trade show to stay in his hotel room all weekend doing cocaine with a guy that seemed like he was gonna either die from a heart attack or bust through a wall Kool-Aid man style because he “had to get out of there.” But today is a different story, cause the only booth Ellis has to work is the radio booth. However, since it’s in public, I’m guessing they’re not gonna be allowed to rip anybody’s nuts off with an RC car or make anybody get naked and abuse someone with a strap on, but I’ve never been to the Agenda show so maybe they’ll let it fly. Ellis started the show talking about how his ego probably runs a big part of his day, but at the same time, Tully is Queen of the West, so maybe it’s more common than everybody thinks. Right off the bat, Ellis noticed that there’s a good looking crowd at the trade show, and Tully has to agree. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show last night and met Anderson Cooper, who is apparently a gay man who burned his eyeballs. I don’t watch news, so I couldn’t verify this, but it seems to be a correct assessment of the situation. The Drew show is way more serious than Ellis, but he was able to weigh in on important subjects that are floating around the news, like that girl who’s brain dead after getting her tonsils removed, that the parents want to keep alive on the insurance company’s dime. Now, since I work in the auto industry, I know just how good it feels to fuck the insurance man in the ass with a broken shovel. However, there’s more layers to this story than my asinine jokes, so I’ll leave this to the people who are actually involved with it. Ellis spotted pro skateboarder Jay Thomas out in the crowd and gave him a shout out. There was also some old guy with a fuckload of tattoos walking around dressed as a cop. There was some talk about the history of this particular trade show and how hot bitches are really the greatest marketing tool in all of history. Ellis is learning things about politics from all his guest appearances on Dr. Drew’s show lately, and while I can’t stand the shit, it’s making the homo-mance between Ellis and Tully that much stronger, because Tully is getting more into moto from all the time he spends with Jason. Cumtard is officially an employee now, and came by to talk about how much it sucks to be out of a job and sell shit on eBay to survive, and it’s even worse when eBay sends you a bill for using their service a month after all your checks cleared and you have to start writing new ones. The guys ran down some of the names of people who are gonna be visiting the show while they’re at Agenda and it sounds like there’s gonna be some good back and forth between the Ellis Show crew and some industry insiders, as well as anybody in the food court next to the radio booth that wants to say hi and maybe get their titties slapped around for a couple minutes. While we all sit and ponder how nice that sounds, let’s have some Pantera and go break a bunch of shit for no reason.

AH MATE! IT’S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I HEARD ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON IN AUSTRALIA!!! Luckily, Tully found a particularly good piece of Aussie News for us today. Police in Australia had to rescue a naked man who got stuck in a washing machine during a game of hide and seek. Yep, stuck in a washing machine. Like a fuckin’ BAUS! There were more hot chick sightings, and if there was somebody on scene who worked for creepshots.com, I’m sure they’re busy putting up all sorts of content right now as we speak. Apparently, it’s pretty easy to pull down a sweet piece of tang at a trade show too, so if you’re in the area, no need for chloroform and you can take the Camry instead of the panel van, IF ya know what I’m sayin’. Some dude started arguing live with Ellis about trying to get Jason sponsored by Metal Mullisha, but it was a load of shite, and Cumtard was reprimanded for not taking his position as producer/show security/whipping post/hand holder seriously enough. To counter that, Kevin erected a wall of chairs to try and keep the crowds at bay. Remy Stratton stopped by to shoot the shit with Jason and tell old war stories about skating and doing acid and breaking groupies off back in the day. Him and Ellis were bros way back when, so they had lots of good times to look back on about dropping into the same bowl and shooting hairy eyeballs at each other from opposite sides of the ramp. Remy has kids now, so he can’t rage like he used to, and Ellis knows this all too well from cranking out two of his own. Remy fucked up his back a while ago too, so now he’s vice president of the Volcom skate division and gets to have a normal job doing marketing stuff and whatever else it is that the guy who’s VP of skateboarding at Volcom does. Ellis softly shit a brick after Remy told him that Volcom is no longer sponsoring motocross at all, NOT EVEN POTO!!! But it’s OK, cause that means they can focus on the core of the business, which is shiftless kids who want to hang out in the sun and do things that cause them to get in fights with rent-a-cops. There was some talk about doing naked tranny skateboard demos for advertising purposes, and I’m sure somebody’s really into that, but the rest of us probably need to crank up some Akka Dakka and try to get the image out of our head so we can continue being productive with our day.

HEY DO YOU SMOKE LOTS OF WEED?!?!?!?! Then you probably wanna hear some pot news!!! As we all know, it’s totally legal to smoke weed in Colorado now, well that uppity cunt Nancy Grace seems to think that this is gonna make the baby Jesus have a hissy fit and he won’t come back and rapture all the good Aryans back up to heaven away from the sodomites, communists and intelligent persons, so she’s making it her personal mission to get it made illegal again. And since I’m calling out white ladies that need to make good use of national blowjob day and keep their fucking mouths shut unless they’re sliding a 17 inch cock into it, Fuck you too Ann Coulter. Just cause (LOL NO WINKY FACE DEVIL HORNS BITCHWHATMAKESYOUTHINKIWONTFUCKINGCUTYOU). The guys took some phone calls, one guy said he gets sunburns on his eyes all the time and the cops are always trying to search him for that plant that brown people like to smoke that gives them the kind of superpowers that will prevent the OBVIOUSLY superior members of the American people from maintaining political and economic control. And since we’re talking other cultures, we can’t leave out Satanists. Specifically, in Oklahoma, the Satanic church has filed a request to be allowed to erect a “Buddy Satan” statue in front of a government building, right next to a statue of the ten commandments, and I for one am backing this harder than Bill Clinton loves cankles. Oh, and this particular Satan statue doubles as a public bench, so pregnant ladies and the elderly have a place to rest on the way from the far end of the parking lot to the state offices when they’re filing for a building permit or whatever the hell our government is supposed to be doing at these regional state offices. Ellis spotted an Asian lady with a fantastic ass wandering around at the trade show and I gently high fived my computer speakers, desperately hoping it made it’s way there so he could understand how much I appreciate being told about these kinds of things. There were more hot chick sightings, and a really terrible Mr. T impression, but all in all it was the guys just riffing. There was Asian lesbian lady, and tattooed lady with the pregnant friend, and pretty much every other possibility in between. There was even a white girl with an ass that could explode a pair of toughskins. So, basically if you couldn’t make it to Agenda, you missed out on some really good ogling. Even Tully, with his wonderful uninterested wife and awesome diluted Japanese baby, could not help but watch the hormones flow out on the sales floor. I’m just gonna let you all go snap one off while Slayer gently crushes your skulls.

WANNA HEAR ABOUT SHARKS MOTHER FUCKERS!!?!?!?!?! I GOT SHARKS FOR YOU!!! A government research firm in western Australia has recently put a bunch of sharks on twitter. But of course, none of them are as entertaining as @SharkPeople could be if they would just get over that whole “hurricane Sandy ended” thing and start using that account again. But I’m sure they have some pretty terrifying Vine videos. There was some more people watching and character assassination of hot lady’s bathroom habits, cause I guess that’s just how the afternoon is gonna play out. Blake Henderson from that show Workaholics stopped by to hang out for a bit and chat with the guys about making funny TV shows and how you too can be a successful pothead if you do it Juuuuuuuuuuust right. Blake gave a little back story on how he got into show business by making stupid internet videos that happened to be hilarious. The guys discussed making a grappling hook/tethered long range weapon out of one’s genitalia and how hilarious it would be to randomly lasso people with your dick, especially if you just took a piss and there was still a little bit left in the pipes to spritz your victim in the face with. Blake had to tell on himself and admit to his family and the world that he and his girlfriend are kinda hitched and got a youngster on the way. He also is the second person to stop by the show to day who’s suffered a back injury. A couple years ago, Blake was playing a fucking intense game of beer pong and exploded his spine, but he was still walking around afterwards, so it was a very Australian approach to the situation. Cumtard cam in to play a game where the winner got to mangle his hair however they like. The game was basically a trivia quiz about how weird and sad Cumtard’s life is and Blake was at a slight disadvantage just from the fact that he isn’t around the Tard very often, but when all was said and done, Kevin has led a very depressing, stupid life, but it’s all turning around for the better nowadays, and Blake didn’t get a single question right, so the winner was Ellis and he got to break out the clippers and was gracious enough to let Blake use some scissors and they fucked up Cumtard’s head piece like it was 1986 all over again. And according to everyone participating, Kevin’s hair is like cat hair full of product and dander. But a good time was had by all, so that’s what’s really important. There was some more crowd watching and just when the guys thought they had spotted the worst dressed guy in the building, they realized it was Chad Muska, and Muska kills so there should be no more talk about how he looks like a really stylish middle eastern young adult. The guys took a few minutes for some Hollywood news, I’ll do a quick summary for you. Steven Segal is running for mayor in some Arizona town cause politics needs more waist-high spin kicks. Also, Clay Aiken is running for the senate, and considering that nobody else there is doing a god damn thing then why the fuck not? Evander Hollyfield was on Celebrity Big Brother and had some choice words about the gays, but then again he’s been punched in the head for most of his life, so it’s not impossible that things aren’t firing off normally for him. That one guy from Duck Dynasty is gonna be allowed back on TV to continue making white people look bad, like we didn’t have enough help with that as it is. Shia LeBouf is a commercial whore and apologizing for things that aren’t even his fault cause he just wants people to keep looking at him so he doesn’t have to look at himself. Tully wants him dead and I’d pay double to see them fight at EllisMania 10. 50 Cent is about to get sued for filming Rick Ross’ ex girlfriend fucking some other guy and posting the video online. The sequel to Paul Blart Mall Cop is definitely going to happen, and Jason has not been contacted about it but would be happy to reprise his role as Prancer and go all action sports extreme criminal on some shit. There was a bunch more crowd watching and now, apparently, everyone looks like Blossom, better known as Soleil Moon-Frye, or the greatest pair of tits to ever appear on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Cameron Diaz wrote a book that makes some claims that pubes are wonderful and everybody should grow a big old British hedge row across they’re vag that an American would have to design a plow tip for their tanks to mow through so that the underside isn’t vulnerable to gunfire from hidden Nazi troops as the hedges lift the tank off the ground (This is actually a piece of historical fact. I had a teacher in third grade whose dad was the inventor of just such a device that turned the tide of the defense campaign in England during world war II. Just an interesting tidbit for you, now back to cunt jokes). Cameron Diaz also thinks growing pubes is a good idea cause it adds a layer of support so that your pussy lips don’t sag too much as gravity does it’s job on you over the years. And finally Madonna Instagrammed a picture of her 13 year old son pounding a handle of gin like a muthafuckin P DOUBLE I M P NYUGGA!!! Jason and Tully contemplated the many things that Madonna probably does with her well aged and incredibly distended vagina lips, and it’s very likely that it’s a parental disciplinary tool that gets the god damn message across that homework should be done before TV and that your room is gonna get cleaned. The guys turned to the phones for final calls and it was some of the usual slew of people asking for advice and poor cellular reception, but that one guy who recaps the show live called in, and as a person who takes a lot of time doing it and doesn’t sound like someone who spends too much time in their mom’s basement, I want this man dead. Or at least severely beaten. Or maybe just go egg his car. Something to get the message across that NYA is already doing a better job than he is and to get a different gimmick if he’s gonna keep calling in.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Much the same way that Walter doesn’t roll on Shabbas, I don’t recap on Christmas eve.

Plus the guys are on vacation.

I’ll have an incredibly worthless collection of words for you every Tuesday of next year.

Until then, Merry Christmas.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,