I gotta tell you folks, EllisFam is a wonderful thing. Friday night I got to go race go karts with a few folks and shoot the shit afterwards, and god dammit it was fun. And we’re catapulting Rude Jude’s book up the bestseller charts like that shit was the sequel to cocaine. Pat yourself on the back guys, you’re awesome. Except that guy that called in talking about nuggets of poo getting trapped in his incredibly hairy ass that one time, that guy can fuck right off. And since it’s been a while since that happened, let’s hope there’s no repeat of it on the show today!!! Coming hot out of the gate, Jason started today’s show talking about how he might just be a half-assed slightly more stylish Adam Carolla. Just not as internationally recognized, but still pretty good. But basically the way he came to this conclusion is that they both box, and do radio, and want to race cars, so pretty much the same guys in different skins. Except that Ellis wouldn’t piss any money away trying to make his own wine. While we’re talking about Adam Carolla, it’s fair to note too that Dr. Drew is bringing Ellis onto his TV show and Podcast as often as he possibly can, which is great for Ellis and for all of Drew’s audience to get a different perspective on things. Plus, it seems like Dr. Drew works blue on his podcast, so he doesn’t have to bow down to the FCC on what he’s allowed to say and you can guarantee that he’s not slingin’ any bullshit. So Jason had a good time there cause it’s just like his show, except with a medical professional on call who asks the tough questions but also will not hesitate to call somebody a mother fucker and tell him to go polish a bull cock. Jason thinks he’s probably gonna be more like Tully in coming years, being that Tully kind of likes having a boring life and staying home after work with his kids and not going out and swinging his dick everywhere that he can. Ellis sent Katie out to get him a proper outfit for Dr. Drew’s show on HLN tonight, y’know, collard shirt and clean draws and shit, so expect to see our favorite overly tattooed Australian metalhead looking a bit more family friendly this evening. Tully is starting to come aroound to the idea that internet and cell phone addiction are real, to which I respond “Hey, I’m not suckin’ anybody’s dick to play sudoku at work or type stupid shit at people who I haven’t met in person” but I get his angle, cause every so often I have to jam on the brakes for some Asian kid who refuses to put down the iPhone long enough to check both ways before crossing the street. Besides, Tully still tries to get away with checking twitter every so often while he’s playing with his son, so you can be a consumer whore and still be an awesome parent. Of course, it will make you a terrible driver, just ask anybody who lives around lot’s of orientals AAAOOO!!! Just kidding folks, I’ve got no grudge against the Asians, they’re good folks, but their women are probably the least coordinated creatures on the planet, they’re like freshly birthed horses learning to walk, except they’re piloting 3,000 pound weapons of mass inconvenience. But seriously, Tully is trying to cut back his internet use and we support him because he’s a good dude and if he thinks it’ll make his days better, then go for it. He’s also pulling back on the drinking in the last few years, so him and the new intern are gonna be broing down blasting the Kevin Seconds acoustic record and writing straight edge manifestos to use as between-song-banter for the next Death!Death!Die! show. Jason is backing this particular life choice, simply because straight edge people seem to be pretty cool about gay rights, so much so that the straight edge community is pretty much just an offshoot of the gays, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, cause everybody likes brunch and lesbians are the most wonderful visual stimuli in all the world. There was an article in the Wall Street Journal today featuring Ellis’ workout routine and a little bit of interviewing with him. I read the piece, and while they probably gave all the information they really set out to, there were a few important facts missing that would have been pertinent, but then again I don’t work for the Wall Street Journal, cause I probably say fuck more often than they would like, plus I’d probably kick an investment banker in the dick, just on principle, on a really regular basis. So the guys talked about the article for a bit and all the companies that should be hooking Ellis up with some free shit sometime in the near future, and you can get a glimpse of EllisMania.com in the background of some photo that for some reason wasn’t on the article I read. But fuck all that, cause THE FUCKING CHURCH OF HADEN is in the studio today to rap with the guys about things and stuff. THC has been in the Wall Street Journal, and he’s also been in a fuckload of really good movies too. He knows how to make creepy voice too, and that is a talent in and of itself. WILSON came in just a few seconds too late to mention that THC has an intro and Thomas declared that it’s basically just a bumper of time for you to check your text messages, but if you’re like Tully, then it’s time for some reflective meditation about the posiitve aspects of life. Thomas has a movie coming out in Canada real soon, and it’ll be available in America real soon, so go check it out if you’re into that kind of thing. Ellis and Thomas bantered back and forth for a while about tacos and rebranding the show as “Talk Metal” because nothing says sell out like rebranding (loves ya, Church, you’re a good dude, not a sell out in the slightest). Ellis gave a quick rundown on what’s going on with the Awesome Guide To Life, but then THC started quoting Rude Jude’s lines from Jack The Cunt and the room got just a little bit more “Master Race-y” for two seconds, then went completely back to normal. Then Thomas started talking about day to day life on his ranch and it went right back to a “Red State” sort of vibe for a little while. But it’s good to know that cats can fend off snakes, should you ever need to know that kind of thing. Owls are pretty fucking savage too, they’ll eat puppies and giraffes and shit, anything stupid enough not to learn how to fly or keep one eye pointed at the nighttime sky. The Church learned this firsthand after he put a box of puppies on the back porch of his house overnight and nevre saw a single one of them again, BUT THE OWLS WERE HOOTING UP A MOTHER FUCKING STORM LIKE THEY JUST GOT HANDED A SMORGASBOARD OF SWEET DELICIOUS BABY CANINES!!! And thus, THC learned about the circle of life. He also saw it happen to Elle MacPherson, and she’s a really well known famous lady so that’s how you know the owls are out to fuck your shit up, cause they don’t slow their roll for celebrity vag. This prompted some talk about fighting animals, because it really is fun to throw around these kinds of scenarios every so often. Fighting an owl seems like it could be a good match up, like a five foot wingspan owl versus a reasonably fit, average to above average sized dude. Or a really drunk dude trying to fight a pig, which I have seen, and oddly enough it happened right here in Oakland, California. How about cows? Well, they may be friendly and stupid most of the time, but they’re just as mad at us for eating them as vegans are at everybody for eating them, so don’t trust them just cause you haven’t seen them move for twenty minutes except to snatch up another mouthful of grass. Then THC mistakenly referred to a titmouse as a type of mouse instead of a bird, but that’s OK cause baby kangaroos and wallabies are about as adorable as Japanese girls being sweetly coerced out of their virginity. Tully isn’t a huge animal guy, but he did make friends with a rat at a punk squat in Manhattan, and there was that sort of stray cat that he used to take care of at his last apartment. THC reminded Ellis about the idea he had for Wolf Wipes, and I’ll tell you what, my ass does feel a touch chapped from this ridiculous paper that society keeps telling me to use. But nevermind that, cause the real issue here is whether or not Thomas Haden Church witnessed/assisted in the murder of Marilyn Monroe, and all he could say was “Yeah I remember that knife.” He’s really happy Jason is enjoying the Porsche though, cause he was getting almost no use out of it and such a fine piece of German engineering shouldn’t be left to the wayside. Some cunt accused THC of only doing a movie for the money, and then he called the fucker out on it and got an apology, cause you betta pay some fuckin’ RUHSPECK to the man that helped kill Marilyn Monroe. There were some phone calls about birds of prey eating household pets, and how the Bald Eagle, symbol of freedom and cheap beer everywhere, is really little more than the dumpster divers of the animal kingdom. And California condors are big enough to steal goats and deer and shit, so if we’re asking who would win that international throwdown, my money’s on the condor, not the drunken Scotsman. There was some talk about peyote and making a hallucinogenic dish similar to vegimite and toast, and if I had known about that when I was still in the Scouts I would have had the best fucking prank ever to play on the leaders. Some guy called in and said an owl snatched a parrot right off his shoulder, which has gotta be the lamest way to lose a pet ever, but still hilarious cause if you’re not a fucking pirate then knock it off with the god damn emotional support parrots in public, I’M TRYING TO GRAB A SANDWICH IN HERE, WHY THE FUCK DOES YOUR BIRD NEED TO BE IN THE SPOT WITH YOU?!??!?!?!?!!!? But that’s neither here nor there, cause the guys are bringing an old bit out of retirement, it’s the very segment that got me hooked on the show so long ago, that’s right, it’s DUDE IS IT GAY!!! But first, Shark news!!! In another show of Australians not giving the slightest bit of a fuck about anything, some guy got bit out in the ocean and didn’t even realize it at first, but after he did he stabbed the fucker then went back to shore, sewed up the wound himself and cracked a tall boy and took a breather before hopping back in the water. Ellis and Thomas threw around a few ideas on how to fight off sharks and monkeys, and it basically is no different from fighting off a human, just mangle the genitals and hope for the best. No creature on this great green earth is gonna come charging at you after that immediate life shattering sting that happens when you stab a mother fucker in the balls. With all that out of the way, let’s get back to the most important question of the day, DUDE!!!! danant danant danant IS IT GAY!!!!! danant danant danant FUCK YEAH!!! danananant danant danant DANNNAAAAAAHH!!! But first, Cumtard had to get a vocal kick to the balls for coming into the studio to tell Jason something and was still choking down a bite of some nasty peanut butter bar. AND NOW WE CAN TELL YOU IF YOU ARE IN FACT A RAGING WONDERFUL MAJESTIC WAY TOO ENTHUSIASTIC DRUM AND BASS JAMMING MIATA DRIVING INCREDIBLY WELL DRESSED FRIEND OF JACK THE CUNT!!! But first, let’s have Cumtard spin the wheel of doom and take his punishment of one Dirty Wilson. First caller we had asked if it was gay to have dreams about licking the tip of his boss’ dick, and since he can’t think of a good reason why he keeps doing it in the dream, like a drunken bet or something, it does very much seem gay, but THC has a theory that it’s a subconscious show of friendly subordination. But still, pretty gay. But gay guys are by and large paid pretty well, so maybe you just need to make that dream a reality, Matt. Next, a guy would go out with his Army buddies and have e-tard massage parties, which is a pretty gay activity no matter how much you fought for our country, but we appreciate the service. After that was a call from a dude who spent the night in a hotel room with two gay guys who kept getting up and switching beds groping the shit out of him while he was sleeping, which is only gay for the gay guys cause, well, they’re gay, and it’s not like he accepted a hummer or some anal off anybody, so not really gay. Next caller had to catch a taste of his own load to get his wife to maybe finally take one on the grille, which is a pretty gay thing to do, but not quite as gay as WILSON!!! rubbing his dirty smoking fingers across Cumtard’s face, complete with ashes and the filth of ten thousand generations of Pendarvis DNA. After that, a guy called to find out if it was gay for him to let his buddy watch porn in their hotel room and snap one off while the other dude was in the shower, then switch off when the other person was finished with whichever activity they were involved in, which isn’t gay, but is just a kind of generally weird thing for a friend to suggest. THC had a similar experience when he was on a road trip with some friends and one of them said he just had to fire off a handful of unborn children, and The Church of Haden had to lay down the law and tell him that if he did, he’d get his ass kicked and get tossed out on the highway cause nobody’s ever jerked off in a van without it somehow becoming a crime scene. Thomas had to leave at this point because he had to go do a taping for the Tonight Show, but before he left, he laid a sound drop for Red Dragons and another one for the Google game, all of which are gonna be great to hear later after the Jingleberries have a chance to play with it. But anyways, after the break, there was more DUDE! IS IT GAY!!! to get through, cause cause it’s been a long time since the last time they did this and guys have been doing some really questionably effeminate and homoerotic shit. This, unfortunately, was quickly derailed when Sam Rubin stopped by the studio to hang out for a while. There was a story that Tully floated about how Toni Braxton declared bankruptcy 6 months ago but just bought a 3 million dollar home in Calabassas, which made Sam mention that Jason’s article in the Wall Street Journal is worth 25,000 square feet of a home in Calabassas. Sam continued to Sam for a while, Samming his Sam and Sam Sam about Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam, while Sam and Sam Sam Sammed Sam Sam Sam Sam his Sam Sam spare tire Sam Sam Sam Sam prostitute Sam Sam Sam Sam thousands of dollars worth of heroin Sam Sam Sam Sam donkey show Sam Sam Sam Sam pork rinds Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Samming Sam in the Sam, during a Sam Sam backseat of a Rolls Royce with Justin Bieber Sam Sam Sam Sam called Queen Elizabeth a Sam and SammaLammaDingDong after Sam Sam Sam up his Sam sideways with rusty broken shovel Sam Sam Sam, and if THAT WASN’T ENOUGH Sam Sam Sam Samdancing to a black metal Sam Sam Sam instead of Sam Sam and a fucking metric cunt satchel of Sam Sam Sam Sam.
It was at this is the point in the show where I bashed myself in the face with a 3/4 inch ratchet handle to see if the fabric of reality was still intact.
After that, I got up, did some dishes, folded my laundry, trimmed my nails (fingers and toes, in case you were wondering), rewrote the first 35 chapters of War & Peace with fifteen new characters and now it takes place on a different planet where marmots are the size of apartment buildings and insects are involved in interspecies pornography, made a pot of chili, served it to the homeless, caught Kony and pulverized his testicles in a bench vice, rewired the smoke detectors in my entire apartment building to play Martha Reeve and the Vandella’s “Heatwave” whenever someone burns something in the oven, started a non-profit sports bar that only plays Curling and PeeWee kickball on the big screen, dug up Joan of Arc to see if she shaved her box or left that shit natural, smacked the shit out of a vegan hobo for denying my leftovers and then calling me an asshole for eating dairy, and knocked out a couple rounds of sudoku while I was waiting for an oil change on the Army surplus helicopter that I bought while I was installing a fully operational cybernetic rectum on a wounded veteran. Judging from what I saw on twitter, it looks like everybody else was just as productive as I was, and that makes me happy cause it’s nice to hear that my friends are getting things done with their time and fulfilling stuff they’ve been meaning to take care of.
Sam was still Sam Sam Sam Samming a water purifier full of gerbil semen Sam Sam Sam Samti-Christ Super Sam, Sam Sam Sam during the Sammer of Sam Sam Sam Sam Sam Sammit, Janet, I love Sam, over at the FrankenSam Place, there’s a SaAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAaaaAAAAMM BURNING IN THE FIRE PLAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEE!!!! LET’S SAM THE SAM SAM AGAAAAAAIIIINNNNNN!!! I’M JUST A SWEET SAMVESTIIIITTTTEE!! FROM SAAAAMMMMMMSEXUAAALLLLLLLL SAMSYLVAAAANNNIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAHHHAAHHAAAA!!! IN JUST SEVEN DAYS…… I CAN MAKE YOU… A SAAAAAAAHHHAAHHAHHAHHAHAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!! I’ve lost all connection with the corporeal world here, people, if I don’t show up for work tomorrow, make sure somebody moves my truck before street sweeping day. And tell my girlfriend to send me a Sam that I can follow to get back to the Sam and hopefully make some contact with Sam before my Sam completely deteriorates and I can’t Sam myself properly anymore. The show ended with Sam graciously leaving us to hear a rant from Oxycotton John about cocks and some phone silence from people who still haven’t figured out the whole don’t die thing. And some guy called in trying to rip off the recap guy and somehow did a Sammier job of it than if the regular recap guy called in.
Red Dragons, SAM ,,rr,