Lunch time!!! For me that means waiting in the office for the boss to get back and Ellis show time. Jason started the show talking about testicles. And how the show has a vibe that oozes man. More specifically, a show that’s for people who want to get shit done. About being dangerous and muscle-ey. Basically a show that’s not gay, but still, very very forceful . People are apparently giving the show a little but of hassle cause they’re surprised it’s actually good. This prompted Tully to actually start following Rawdog on twitter, to help him reach his twitter goal of beating Carlos Mencia in the follower count. Somebody sent Ellis a waterproof iPhone case, and the boys decided to put it to the test. I’m guessing if it works, we may be seeing some underwater poontang from the Ellis home pool. This brought up the topic of the movie Waterworld. Kevin Costner is a half-fish, wife-and-child-beating shithead. He also has a lot of disposable income to write, direct, star in and suckify half decent movie premises for his own amusement. He’s also going bald though, so karma does definitely work. I’m probably just hating cause I don’t have that kind of fuck you money just yet. Wait for it though, it could happen. The guys noticed that Dane Cook sure as fuck fell off the map. Which is good, he kinda sucked and was a hack. Our favorite pal Rude Jude stopped by. He’s been fighting of a touch of the super AIDS for the last couple days, so there were no bro-hugs this afternoon. He found some old picture of Ellis with hair and the guys got a good laugh at how much things can change in just a little while. You ever checked out old pics to see how awesome you used to think you were and how bad you would kick your ass if you met you now? Give it a try, it’s pretty fun. The guys talked baldness and getting old for a bit, how much it must suck to go bald when you’re in your 20’s, and then the waterproof phone case test started. Somebody sent in some Rockstar in all kinds of fancy dick slobbing flavors. I happen to know the guy, it was @Hollow_NorCal https://twitter.com/Hollow_NorCal on twitter and he’s a solid dude. If you’re in the Santa Rosa, CA area, check him out at Wine Country Body Art.

The waterproof case ended up working pretty well, so EllisMania.com and Rawdog’s parking stub are moving on to future glory. Rude Jude was wearing a sweater worthy of comment by Tully. The rest of us probably don’t put that much thought into a sweater. Kanye West is a bitch, and had some kind of shit to talk about Jay-Z and Beyonce. He’s probably jealous that Jay got Beyonce and all he could pick up was Kim K. But then again, Kanye always has some shit to talk about something that probably has nothing to do with anything, so fuck him. He’s the N-Bomb we all love to hate. If this proves anything about society as a whole, we will watch a mother fucker get hit by a bus over and over and over, in slow-mo, in reverse, through a different camera filter, in 3D, on Skype, through a glory hole and on pay-per-view live from the Oakland Coliseum. Prince is kind of the same as Kanye, but he can at least play a guitar and make us believe his bullshit if he really wants us to. Careful how you use the N-bomb, folks. You can get away with it on your birthday, if you’re rapping along with the strip club DJ and you’re Australian, but the rest of the time it’s kinda sketchy and you could get your ass kicked really hard. Jude has had trouble with that word cause everybody thinks he’s black and would drop it all the time, but he’s not black, he’s just a white guy with rhythm and a touch of class, so he tries to steer clear of it. If you feel like dropping the N-bomb, just take a shit in someone’s moms mouth instead. If there’s a mom to use, it’s definitely Rawdog’s mom, as she is an avid listener of the show. Yesterday was Tiger Lee Ellis’ birthday, and he got a sweet ass monster truck hot-wheels set up from the dad. That kid is a champ in training, I tell ya. Jude remembers how awesome hot wheels were, but thinks that kids these days are losing their imagination to having too much stuff to play with. What ever happened to playing with sticks or talking to your mom? I blame the French, but then so does everyone. Did your parents ever make you walk home in the snow? Mine didn’t cause it doesn’t snow here, but I’ve wandered home from school in some bad fucking rain and hail and East Oakland, so it’s just as dangerous. Tully’s kid is about to be going to daycare, so he’s gonna start training him to defend himself. If some kid pushes you in the sandbox, go take a shit in his mom’s mouth. This inspired Rawdog to bring up his future offspring, who are probably gonna be eating way better than he will, by way of them hopefully having a mom. Luckily, Rawdog is enough of a people pleaser that he’ll probably ditch the hot pockets and nuggets if his lady is pushy enough. It’s hard to be in a relationship, there’s lots of give and take, and if you’re Rawdog, it’s her giving him shit and him taking it. He’s gonna be sneaking microwave corndogs the whole time, but he’ll be taking it.

Remember that story Tully told about shitting in a washing machine? we dived into that story a little deeper today, apparently it was kind of planned, and even hipsters hate hipsters. Especially ten years ago when there weren’t that many of them. Maybe when you don’t know how to work a washing machine, you might be tempted to shit in it too. Of course, if you’ve got friends you hate, you may shit in it on purpose, not due to ignorance of the technology in front of you. This sparked a talk about people being idiots and shitting on things as a prank/revenge/cause it was funny/America/drugs and or alcohol. Ellis actually did see somebody shit in a fish tank once, it’s not just a joke. Ellis and his friends tried to blow up a microwave and the owner kicked his ass for it. Jude used to boost car radios, and his buddy would come along and slash tires and piss in the cars after Jude was done getting that Bose. This dude was apparently one of the dumbest criminals ever, he got arrested for robbing a pizza shop two blocks from his house with no mask on. FOR $53!!! SPLIT THREE WAYS!!! Tully had to chime in that police are kind of like day care for adults, and in a way a lot of them are. Depends where you live, I guess. If you’re on crack having an argument with another dude on crack, make sure it’s not in public or you might get arrested. Maybe the cops need to just start letting the crackheads in L.A. kill eachother. It would free up some squat space for the next crop of heroin addicted failed movie stars that are sure to be rolling through any minute.

JaaaiiiilllllllBREAK!!! JaaaaaiiiillllllBREAK!!! ALL IN THE NAME OF LIBERTYYYY!!!!! Sorry, couldn’t help but sing along there, Akka Dakka makes me wanna fight a bitch. Plus they were just talking about cops. Kinda fits I suppose. Anyways, MMA news time, UFC doesn’t seem to be paying what people think they should, but then again the fighters themselves are getting paid from sponsors and such. Plus there’s signing bonuses and some of the big name fights may or may not be getting a percentage of the pay-per-view bottom line. So they’re not getting fucked as hard industry wide as other jobs you can get with no skill set and no college degree. Then again, bench warmers on some of the shittiest NFL teams are still brining home $10 million a season, which makes me want to go to the Oakland Raiders boot camp and throw dead animals at them while they’re running drills. But the UFC was in debt pretty deep until about ten years ago, and now that it’s finally in the black, of course the talent is gonna start bringing home a little more than they used to. Dana White did get a chance to not officially release numbers, but let an investigative reporter know that the last thing he wants is to fuck the fighters for all they put into his brand. Ellis got reminded of his skateboarding days and how doing it could pay really good, but only if you were really good and could do it consistently. Even the sponsors can’t pay the skaters much, and running a skateboard company is a pain in the ass. Bestie Madden called in for a long overdue chat with the boys before heading into the studio to record another panty dropper for the ladies. His take on the UFC thing is that, of course they’ve got expenses, and sure there’s money coming in, but they gotta promote the shit too, and then there’s people that show up, so by way of lots of math, the fighters aren’t getting fucked, it’s just the circumstances of the game, a lot like the music industry. Benji is growing his hair out again, just as Ellis is getting his replaced with a bad ass fucking wolf tattoo. Benji of course, is growing the hair out because pussy is a wonderful thing. Can’t really blame a guy for that. It’s like buying some new shoes so you can get a better job and get more pussy. There was more talk about sports player money and I got lost in a really good bacon cheeseburger for it, but it seemed like somebody might have said something smart about it.

Tiger box is fast approaching!!! If you haven’t heard, it’s an event Ellis is hosting dedicated to Metal, hot bitches and punching stuff. If you can make it on march 15th, bring a pack of panties to throw at the band/crowd/employees of the viper room. Bestie Madden may show up, and Mayhem is gonna be there, probably some other folks we all know as well. I’ve used up my travel for the next few months, so I expect pictures and panties from whoever can make it. If you go there as a couple, do some role playing. Be a whore for a night, fuck somebody on the hood of your car, smoke crack off a light bulb while you’re getting a blow job, see if there really is no sex in the champagne room, go nuts. Breaking Moto news, Travis Pastrana is having his first baby!!! Good for him, glad to see all those concussions haven’t done any damage to the ol’ wrinkle stick. What do you think the Pastranas should name their babay? Rawdog thinks Baby, and Jason thinks Backflip. Either way, that baby’s delivery is gonna be sponsored by Red Bull. What do think we should be doing “with the stars” next? There’s gonna be a show about competitive olympic style diving with the stars, what else could they do for more money and exposure? Ellis thinks skateboarding with the stars could be some quality entertainment. I propose either bicicle racing to the death or fighting with meter maids. Hollywood news!!! Carrie Fisher, that’s right, Princess Leia, was performing on a Caribbean cruise and in the middle of singing like absolute shit, while her dog took a massive shit on the stage. Shit like that is why I refuse to go on a cruise, no escape when shit goes wrong. Next thing you know, Darth Vader is gonna pop out from behind the curtains and try to make you drink some Jesus juice. Justin Beiber is promoting some Christian book and has made it a top seller. He’s promoting the book because he heard the guy who wrote it preaching and it sounded really good, and no one is making allegations that the guy had sex with any kids, so it might not be all bad. Some guy called in to say that Selena Gomez is blabbing about Beiber having a small dick, and it could be true, but if it was that bad she wouldn’t have kept clinging when people started saying he was fucking Rhianna. Vivid videos burnt down, so there’s a lot of porn that we’re never gonna get a second printing of. Luckily, the guy who runs Vivid owns ALL of the celebrity sex tapes in known existence, and they were in a safe when it happened, so the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is safe for future generations. There may be some other sex tapes that we haven’t heard of yet, but they’re all in good hands. Some guy from one of the Twilight movies got drunk and pissed on the floor in the middle of an airport somewhere, and he’s finally been sentenced to some community service and a bunch of AA meetings like any of us would. He had to get on twitter and confirm that he did not get caught getting a blowjob from a tranny while smoking meth. Janet Jackson is married again, to a Qatari billionaire. Why? Well, if the Jackson family did things that made sense, we wouldn’t have had Michael and the Neverland ranch. But apparently, the guy she’s marrying roped one above his level, so shout out to that dude. Lindsay Lohan is pretty much immortal to the point of not being worth mentioning anymore. But you’ll be able to buy silkscreened patches of her face at Hot Topic in a few months so you can be metal as fuck like all the other kids in the mall. Not really news, but in 1997 the Taliban was pissed at Leonardo DiCaprio’s haircut in the movie Titanic. See why there needs to be a separation of church and state? Do you fucking get it? DO YOU?!??!! But hey, when our society dissolves due to slightly feathered haircuts styled impeccably after the greatest young icon of our time, I will totally let you snort meth off the ridge under my foreskin while I’m shitting in your mom’s mouth.

Some guy got pulled over for driving while brown, and police said they smelled marijuana. After being arrested for absolutely no reason, while having his cavities searched at the county jail the police found 100 bags of heroin in his ass. So, sometimes racial profiling isn’t as bad as we make it sound, I guess. This segued perfectly into New Music Tuesday!!! Which basically means I started trying to build a time machine to go back to 1984 to abort myself. Before that though, the guys got to talking about whether or not anything in recent music releases would ever become timeless. Personally? I fucking hope not. Then again, if you don’t pay attention to history, you’re doomed to repeat it, and I don’t want dubstep to happen again when I’m falling apart at the seams in a nursing home someday. Frank Ocean will never write anything that’ll become a classic. Nowhere near the level of the Beatles, or Stevie Wonder, or even the fucking Cranberries for fucks sake. Am I Evil? will always be the riff you can’t deny, and five finger death punch WILL NOT ever top it. All in all, I feel old despite being under thirty. I suppose that’s the real point of this rant. Rawdog tried to argue the point that this stuff will be classic to an entire generation of ungrateful, self absorbed kids. And some guy called in to see if Ellis would go to riot fest. Probably not, but liquid metal does broadcast from there sometimes, so you can enjoy that. And then nugget boy tried to call Ellis and Tully closed minded. Which is a fucking spectacular argument for someone who can’t choke down a strawberry. But hey, it’s not like everybody wasn’t ripping everybody else off before either. So whatever, opinions, assholes, you know the rest. Pffftt.. Fucking Skrillex can suck my dick too. Anyways, after the debate which was actually decent radio, They actually played some music and debated whether or not the guys should become crime fighters. Kinda like the premise of Kick-Ass. Which would be a pretty sweet bunch of YouTube clips. Tully would be a pyromaniac, Tussin Wolf would hide in the shadows and do stealth shit, and of course Ellis would just come in swingin’ and hope for the best. Oh yeah, there was new music after all that as well. None of it peaked my interest, but if you heard it and liked anything they played, go buy it. I’ll be spinning my old Rancid and NOFX 45’s in the corner enjoying the shit out of myself. After all the music there was more music debate, once again, opinions, assholes, your mom’s mouth and so on. But we did hear a gem about MC Hammer doing a music video in some zebra undies next to the pool surrounded by bitches, swinging his barely covered dick ‘n’ balls at everything dumb enough to wander too close to him. Can’t really argue with his flow, he was kinda timeless………ya can’t touch this…..

After the NMT debacle, the guys came back with a wonderful story about the alligator penis. Before now, little was known about the alligator cock, but science has now finally got around to inspecting one and found that they have a permanent boner!!! One more reason the alligator is always gonna be a timelessly scary animal. Not like that shithead Frank Ocean.  And next time Rawdog loses a bet, he’s probably gonna have to blow an alligator or get the living shit kicked out of him. This of course segued into Ellis Jeopardy: The movie edition!!! Hilarious as always because of the clues that Ellis gives and how hard the guys have to try to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. The intern lost pretty fucking badly this time around, but he did get a chance to tell us a few of the shitty jokes from his soon to be failed stand up comedy act. India has some pretty interesting people to vote for this election, including Frankenstein and Adolf Hitler!!! I wish this was a joke, but seriously, these are the names of actual people who are running for office in India right now. Mickey Rourke just guest starred on the Ultimate Fighter, and god damn his face is in bad shape after years of cocaine, booze and facelifts. He’s still an awesome actor, but he’s been having a hard time getting good roles lately. And that was all the boys had time for because Tony Hawk was live today. In my years of travel and search of knowledge, I’ve learned some truly useful things about human nature. Most importantly, when life gives you lemons, put them in a big ziplock bag with a bunch of ground beef, piss, strawberries, and whatever else you feel like, put that in an old steel ammo can, bury it in the backyard for a few weeks, and the next time somebody pisses you off, dig it up and throw the bag at that asshole’s front door out the window of your car. That stink isn’t gonna wash off for at least a month and everyone who comes in the house is gonna be pissed they live there. Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

Fuck me running, we’re back at it again!!! If you got a three day weekend like me and the Ellis Show did, I hope you spent it the same way I did, which is knee deep in Canadian pussy. It’s a great time. Anyhow, the show started with Ellis talking about changing up his game a bit. He’s been feeling a bit of a rut going and needs to rededicate himself to the fuckin’ game. Sounds like there’s just lots of assholes in Hollywood that are wearing on him. I can understand, starfuckers are kind of annoying. Apparently the head tattoo is making people question his ability as a parent, which is about the dumbest comparison I’ve ever heard. It’s like telling a doctor they have no business going out dancing, it’s got nothing to do with the fucking job, so how about you just shut the fuck up. This spiraled into talk about whether or not juice cleanses make any sense at all. Sure, we all ingest some nasty shit, but do we really need to make liquid poopies for two weeks to make it all OK? Probably not. But then again, there’s all those ingredients on a box of mac and cheese that even I can’t pronounce, so it’s a chicken/egg debate that will probably never get an answer anyone will be happy with. Tarzana is once again proving itself a shithole. No gym, and the wing can’t find a place to train the way he wants. Ellis is still pissed at Gabe Ruediger for not fighting a little harder at EllisMania 8. Him and Katie had planned to fuck in the dressing room after the fight with Ellis leaking blood all over the place. That would have really made the party in my opinion. How do you think all your favorite faces from popular TV ads are doing? Well, we all know the host of Family Feud killed himself, so the insurance mascots can’t be too much happier. I’m sure “Flo” from Progressive is hiding a massive drinking problem and the black guy from the All state mayhem commercials does everything he can not to be called out by his black friends for being a complete and total sellout. But the real head cases have to be the writers, because they’re the ones who have to come up with 30 seconds of shit to make you give them their money without pissing off the corporate stiffs. Ellis won’t ever try to do that shit with his kids, cause he doesn’t want to turn into one of those shithead pageant moms that turns their kids into an anorexic heroin addict. This segued beautifully into Rawdog having shit in his eye even after taking a shower cause he’s a dirty bastard. He’s still hitting the gym four days a week, so good for him. You can be dirty and fit and still pull down some fresh west Hollywood wool. SiriusXM emailed some wonderful recommendations of what Ellis should listen to, such as Bob Dylan. How cool would it be to have Bob rap off a “Fuck Tully, truck yeah!!!” every so often? Jamie Foxx still doesn’t have anything to do with the FoxxHole, But whatever, it’s not like they’re already paying him way more than he was worth if he was on every afternoon. Oprah Winfrey is gonna be in reruns for the next 600 years, so that ladies with massive vaginas can all have their periods every afternoon for an hour when they should be doing some housework or cooking my dinner. Our old pal The Dingo stopped by, talking about everything from the iPhone 5, to headphones, to Monster Energy, to the Dirtshark, all in a matter of seconds! Shout out to the Sharklets as well, Australian girls don’t give a fuck, and that’s how we like ’em. Ellis went to Beacher’s Madhouse over the weekend with Grant Cobb after having the bald spot inked over. This sparked talk about head tattoos and good parents, Travis Barker, Twitch, Yelawolf, all good guys with head tattoos. So maybe they can’t get a job setting up the produce section at Safeway, but fuck it, leave those jobs for all the high school dropouts of your town. If you wouldn’t buy groceries from somebody just cause of where they have tattoos, you would probably starve in the next five years when that shit is so mainstream that they have a political party.

So, Beacher’s madhouse. Rawdog was specifically excluded from this adventure because he’s too nervous in crowds. Ellis is gonna have a free table reserved for him for life. The bitches there will steal your chairs though, so watch out. Ellis met a lady named Chuckie who was sweet and adorable, then a lady named Ashley showed up with her tits all hanging out, so Chuckie was officially trumped. Uncovered titties are always a win, ladies, keep that in mind. Ashley then followed Ellis around for a few hours with her nipple in his ear, helping him network with people at the club. This got old, because Grant was getting mauled by stupid bitches and Ellis was trying to network his balls all over someone’s face. Just as Grant was leaving, he snapped a pic of Ellis getting a lap dance from some chick. So, all in all not a wasted night. Then the midgets started showing up. And we all know, when the midgets show up, that’s when it turns into a fuckin’ party. Unless you’re in the middle of some drama between a midget and one of his bitches. You could end up getting bottled in the head from a seven foot lady. After all that shit, Ellis ditched the naked lady at the curb on the way out of the club, cause she was starting shit and he didn’t need it. She can have her midget and her drama. But before he left, he did get to sit in the photo booth with hot ladies who were all jocking the shit out of him. And some more hot ladies danced all over his table and some other shit happened and pretty much it was nothing but hot ladies doing stuff on every inch of the room.

Sounds like Katie is becoming more of a champion girlfriend every day, she’s paying to keep Ellis fed, cleans up after the dogs and she’s pretty respectably fucking hot and a stone cold freak. Can’t really think of too many negatives on that whole scenario. Jason could never be wingman for Rawdog, because he’s too weird and awkward. Bestie Madden is a little too good of a Wingman for Ellis, cause all the bitches in Hollywood are all about him. If you go to a club with Benji Madden, it’s almost certain he will be swarmed with ladies who will want nothing to do with you. If you ever call Dingo a poser, he’ll fire back with the fury of a thousand Zeuses and make you delete your Instagram like a BIOTCH!!! Dingo may be developing kidney stones, cue Rawdog’s dietary advice on preventing stones. Lemonade definitely helps, as well as increasing weekly nugget intake. Microwave corn dogs can’t hurt anything either. Just remeber, proper hydration and vitamins are your enemy when it comes to eating healthy. Like it says in the Slipknot cereal commercial “Shitting blood is metal.”

In crystal meth news, we heard a wonderful story about two brothers whose problems started the day they won the lottery. They celebrated their $75,000 win by smoking lots of weed and meth!!! And their celebration caused their house to explode!!! Specifically, they left a bottle of butane loose while refueling a lighter for the bongs they were smoking, the fumes made contact with the pilot light in their heater and wouldn’t you know it, they turned that rape turned into a murder. This earned them a nomination for Fucktard of the week, and rightly so, in my opinion. Would you fuck the woman of your dreams? What if you had to use a bottle of lube with three little shards of glass in it? Still pretty good odds, I’d say. Eight masked gunmen stole $50 million worth of diamonds from a plane in Zurich, or Munich or some place like that. Like a god damn James Bond Movie in this mother fucker. Some guy in Illinois who died with a net value of $1 million left his money to two washed up stars of eighties soap operas cause they replied to some fan mail he sent them thirty years ago. Lesbians are definitely tougher UFC fighters than men, if only for the fact that you can’t kick them in the balls. Ronda Rousey is gonna smash some bitches face and then give her a proper tongue lashing (Which is the part we all really wanna see anyway). Probably shouldn’t bring your kids to a cage match if you wanna keep mom from crawling up your ass about it when your son puts another kid in a triangle lock for his milk money. And all those celebrities who only show up for the main event are fucking posers. So the UFC sounds like it’s gonna be a good time this weekend, if that’s what you’re into I recommend you check it out.

Who do you think would win a boxing match, Mickey Rourke or Steven Segal? We all know Segal is a world class bullshit artist, but that doesn’t make you any better at taking a punch. Then again, Rourke’s facelift may have made him a little easier to put to sleep. Both are guest coaches on the Ultimate Fighter this season. I’d love to see which one provides better insight on the art of fighting. Rawdog brought up some photo shopped pics of celebrities and this led to the conclusion that he needs to jerk off more. And stop taking everything in the media so literally. Almost every photo of a celebrity is airbrushed as all fuck. Except that Paris Hilton sex tape, you couldn’t take the ugly out of that shit if you put a stunt vagina in it. Dingo accidentally admitted having some premature ejaculation much like Rumble McTumbleskin. Once again guys, gotta release that divine fluid as often as possible to prevent shooting a load in your pants when getting heavy with your sweetie. And if you’re anything like Rawdog, once a day is not enough. Mississippi just outlawed slavery. Fuck yeah. Glad they’ve finally come around. All of 150 years after everyone else. America really is the land of progress, isn’t it? Glad all it took was someone who wasn’t even born here watching a dramatized version of the Lincoln presidiency on the silver screen to figure it out. Shout out to that guy. Great news out of Guangdong province, your town is named DONG!!! If you really love the dong, you’ll find a man who will try to commit suicide by picking a fight with an ostrich. Jackson Strong stopped by today, he’s not into the dong enough to fight a flightless bird, because he’s too busy making a dirtbike fly across a stadium in your town. Jackos 1, Ostrich ZERO. Lemme know when you get your head out of the sand and learn how to do a nack-nack, you fucking poser bird. Jackson was partying with a dead kangaroo and his mom was doing some aborigine witchcraft off on the sidelines. Of course when he’s not partying like an Aussie voodoo doctor, he’s a freestyle motocross rider and recently he’s gotten into snowmobiling. Jackson has never had sex with a girl and then fucked her again with the same rubber, like our champion buddy Rawdog has, but he has fallen asleep with the rubber still on and woken up hours later covered in his own powdered load. There was a video from Winter X-Games where Jackson’s snowmobile attacked somebody. It went viral on YouTube and sounds funny as fuck. Then he apparently got a bunch of shit for it on the internet. In all seriousness, these guys go way too hard in the motherfucking paint for the amount of shit they have to put up with from the public. Take it from me, I work with the public, and they can go fuck themselves. They talked about internet trolls and how lame it must be if you are one. Sure, there’s some that make hilarious mischief, there’s some though that are just assholes. Gotta be tough to go from moto to snowmo, but there’s a hell of a party in Aspen when you do it, so lets all make our way to the hot tub and show Charlie Murphy ya TITTAAAAAYYSSS!!! If you ever launch a snowmobile a hundred feet through the air into a fence, make sure you’ve got duct tape. As the old expression goes, duck it, and fuck it. Everybody’s Wikipedia page is completely tampered with. Rawdog’s says he was raped by a crocodile. We all remember that one time when he was actually raped by Dingo!!! And that other time when Ellis raped him. And I think there were a few more times after that too. But all the same, rape isn’t funny, unless you do it to a clown. This led to making stabs at Deegan and the Metal Mullisha. They’re great folks, but in my opinion Dave Mirra got robbed at EllisMania 7 and that octane academy show was not the best use of Deegan’s oral skills. OHHHH!!! We heard more on snowmobiling, moto, Deegan, being a sick cunt, the normal kind of stuff we hear about on the show. If you think you can do a front flip, tell me how that piece of your skull tastes when it ends up in the back of your throat after you take a digger off the roof of your apartment building into the cooler that all your buddies pissed in before they dared you to do a front flip with your kid brother’s BMX. We heard about the Aussie foreskin, which is apparently a pretty normal thing, because the Jews haven’t gotten their claws into Australia quite as much as they have in America. Shout out to the hooded snake. And to our old friends the Jews, keep it in Hollywood, and on retainer at our local law firms.

Hollywood news time!!! Fuck me running, Metta World Peace had the police over at his house after someone called to say that there were a shitload of guys wandering around with guns. Turns out it was just BB guns from a music video they shot, but of course the po-po always gotta try and keep the black man down. Clyde Davis is all about the cock. Mindy McCready was a country star and after some hard times in the music market, she took the easy way and ended her own life. I try not to talk to much shit on people that kill themselves, they got it tough enough already, and their families don’t deserve the bullshit. Vivid video has pulled her sex tape off the shelves. Lindsay Lohan is demanding half a million dollars to hock energy drinks in Dubai, but may not be able to leave the country cause she keeps getting arrested for shit. Alec Baldwin is under investigation for hate crimes due to some remarks about the black people he made to a paparazzo. Smart move, shit brick. Never tell a camera man to suck your dick or a female reporter you want to choke her to death. Someone copied a few tweets before he got a chance to delete them, and he seems to be digging himself a pretty deep angry racist hole. Then again, the reporter is an ex-cop who may have been doing some shady shit with his badge. Fuck the paparazzi, and those capitol one commercials are fucking retarded. Britney Spears is dating some guy named Dave. He works at a law firm, but he’s not a lawyer. He seems like a normal enough guy that may be the counter balance to her internal batshit cray-cray. The two of them have been golfing and going out for sushi on Valentine’s day, and Dave tips pretty well. Lil’ Wayne may or may not be a dumbass, after NOT being banned from any future NBA events for his outburst a little while back. He was leading a chant against the NBA and the Miami Heat after they DIDN’T have any problem letting him back into another game. Then he said he fucked some NBA player’s wife, so shout out? At least he’s a terrible skateboarder. UPDATE!!! The Cop-arazzi is a poser and should be arrested for carrying a fake badge. Fuck the man, fuck him gently and then very passionately. And them smack him across the mouth with your shit covered dick and throw him down the stairs. Leonardo DiCaprio is taking a break from acting to save the rhinos, good for him. No final calls today, just a couple folks chiming in about Young Wahool and then cue the Bruce Lee music. I’ve seen a lot of things in my time, and one thing I can definitely say I’ve learned is that when you build an igloo, you definitely should carve some titties in the wall. But for the love of god, don’t try to fuck them, your dick will turn black and not the way you want it to. Red Dragons mother fuckers. ,,rr,

Good Eeeeeeeeeevening, shitheads. Today is sure to be amazing for all of you. I’ve been fighting tech support over my phone for the last five days, so my asshole feels like I got fucked with a handful of rusty brake shavings for lube, but the Ellis show always provides cool, soothing relief to those kinds of injuries. So we start today hearing about how women’s voices are way prettier than men’s, but that they should stick to not trying to be evil. Then this theory was trumped by the Maria Brink “red dragons” button, and will yelling it like a 14 year old boy. This led to a discussion about who the best singers really are. And of course, somebody brought up some Rolling Stone top ten list, and they decided that was mainstream so it’s bullshit. Just like what you like. Burger mate came to guest star on the show today, as well as the only successful drug addict we know, Rude mothafuckin’ Jude. Jude said his headphones sounded like warm robots, so I’m guessing he’s on day three or four of a fucking really good time. They got to talking about how awesome Prince was and how he needs to get back on the map. And how Chuck D is probably plotting Flava Flav’s murder every second of every day for letting “Flavor of Love” happen. And how Bridgette Niellsen is probably gonna be the one to make it happen. Sinead O’Conner started playing in the background and then Jude brought up Kate Bush. Everyone in the building became a raging lesbian for a few minutes. But not the annoying kind, the friendly, tom-boyish kind. The kind we probably all want to hang out with. They mentioned how Sinead tore up that picture of the pope that one time and how if someone did that today nobody would give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock. Some guy called in from Kuwait to see if Ellis would ever come out for a USO tour, he said he would, one day when someone gives him the OK to swing his balls overseas. RawDog made it clear that he does not know who Joey Butta-Foo-okoh is. And everybody shit on him for it. It pays to know about OJ Simpson’s friends. He defended it by saying that poetry brings class to the show. Voice Altemecation lady called in. Shout out to TC Helicon. It reignited the best singer argument. Once again, just like what you like. Fuck everybody. And the best singer in the world is still probably a woman. Could Whitney Houston do a respectable cover of Danzig? I fucking hope we get to find out someday. That would be a crossover for the ages. Would she be covering old misfits stuff? Or Samhain? what about his solo work? Keep your thoughts to yourself, they’re all good ideas. Don’t want anybody stealing them.

So, every time RawDog visits Jason’s house, he doesn’t push the Jew button. For this, Ellis has ejected him from the Jewish community. Collect your foreskin and leave your yarmulke at the door, Josh. No more controlling the media for you. Seriously, though, touch the Jew button. Jew girls are lots of fun in bed. More music talk, then Ellis started telling a story about smoking weed in the mountains building a house somewhere. There were phones ringing at my work, I didn’t catch all of it. After that story, Jude got a  lesson in Metallica. It’s a lesson everybody needs from time to time. He seems to be coming around to the metal. Jude went back to his day job and the music talk kept going. I heard more of Kelly Clarkson than my sins deserve to be repaid, then we heard some Concrete Blonde by suggestion from Tully as a counterpoint to the Clarkson. Being a kid from the 90’s, I am glad we have a Tully to balance out the stream of crap that came out in my early twenties. The conversation went on to reveal that Josh still thinks Mariah Carey is the best singer, and that he’s wrong. Well played, Tussin Wolf.

Great news!!! Right after the Pope announced his resignation, the Vatican got struck by a big fucking mega lightning bolt!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAhhahahahahahahahaha Even I can’t help but laugh at that. So, football players are overpaid shitheads, right? What about moto guys? Both sports are very dangerous, but nobody in football did what Robbie Madison just pulled off. The way I hear it, he went to some airplane graveyard and jumped the entire thing from one end to the other or some such shit. It sounds like really awesome video, if you know how to use technology, go see if you can find it. Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, you’re late as fuck, but check out the Apple Juice video from Taintstick circa 2009. You can see a sveldt young Jewish man lifting weights all greased up and Rob Dyrdek giving the fuck-me eyes to anything in rollerblades that doesn’t have a vagina! This segued into recordings Jason had of Rawdog singing some pop music shit. The music sucked, but it lends itself well to making fun of Rawdog even more than we already do. We got into some religion talk about how badly Rawdog keeps up his end of the Jew bargain. Not sticking to the animal sacrifices in the book of Leviticus and shit. Hanging around ladies while they’re on their period, bein’ all unclean like a fuckin’ savage. Yeah, sounds like a great set of rules for your day to day life. Rawdog considers him a reform Jew, or as Tully says it, a Sizzler Jew. Basically it means he sticks with the stuff that makes sense, and dropped all the other bullshit that sounds like fairy tales and scary stories. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, if it works for you, it works for you. The reform Jews are also cool with the gays, so maybe there’s no reason to talk too much shit. It’s all supposed to be about love, right? Well, nothing says love like letting people know it’s OK to nibble the cookie or stuff your entire fist in another man’s ass. If Tully showed up tomorrow with two big stone tablets proclaiming that they were the ten commandments, how long do you think he would keep a straight face? A caller challenged Rawdog’s diet as a way of saying he’s not much of a Jew. His rebuttal was that “it is not necessary to exclude pork and shellfish to have a healthy diet” and without giving  away too much, I heard a shovel moving thousands of miles an hour and Rawdog’s voice took on an echo like he was some several hundred feet under the studio. Another caller explained just how a lot of religious laws actually were started to keep people healthy in their villages 5,000 years ago. Makes enough sense to me. I’m sure I could wax intellectual on this forever, but These god damn customers keep fucking up my flow. Honestly, I have no idea who’s right or wrong on this kind of stuff, just treat people well, how about that? Don’t be a prick. Seems like a decent way to do it.

The Sirius online player fucked up, and I missed everything that happened between the Yelawolf song and the next break when Jason put on Nirvana, if you heard it, feel free to put it in the comments section and if you missed it, go complain to Sirius that they’re not doing enough to help people copy and share their material. Just going by what I saw on twitter, I think all I missed was New Music Tuesday, and that’s probably for the best, cause there was already plenty of music talk at the beginning of the show. Where it picked back up for me, they were doing a news report about a new heavily caffeinated breakfast drink for kids. Apparently, crystal meth and youthful energy isn’t enough to make it through the third grade anymore. I’m just glad there’s one more way for parents to try to take care of their kids with drugs. Cause everything’s a syndrome, doncha know. While we’re on the topic, fuck the FDA with a broken stick. Twice. The best food you can eat is what your girlfriend grows herself. That’s right, I’m talkin’ PUSSSAAAAAYYYYY!!!! This segued into a news report of a fat bitch who killed herself from a two gallon a day Coca-Cola habit. I’ve heard it said that Karma works, just not on your schedule. Sounds about right to me. Sounds to me like the sugar and caffeine industry is just as evil as Phillip Morris. Too bad, I love my coffee, and sugar, and it goes great with cigarettes. Just try and teach any youngsters or idiots around you better than you had. Now, some people have heard me say that you can allegedly freebase instant coffee. I promise you, this is true. It comes off as a thick yellow smoke. It’s probably a bad idea, but it’s definitely a great party trick.

Hollywood news time came around, Alec Baldwin is about to have his first kid with his wife at the spry young age of 54. Glad to see Scientologists are cutting their dicks off. Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z are going on tour together, which is about as thrilling as watching your grandma knit an afghan. The Iron Sheik is pissed at the Olympics for taking wrestling out of the official games. Fuck the Olympics for that one, seriously. We need to write letters to somebody about this, and make them humble. Or fuck them in the ass, whatever works. The drummer from the Black Keyes has son’ ‘splaining to do because he was talking shit about Justin Bieber winning a Grammy. Bieber of course answered back like a bratty little shithead on twitter, and his fans are why I’m getting a vasectomy as soon as I can find someone to do it at my house. Beyonce may or may not be a stone cold freak, saying that she feels “more like a woman” after having her baby. So I guess Jay-Z is getting blood and scat play, whether he likes it or not. Larry Byrd’s son earned himself a pair of silver bracelets for trying to run his girlfriend down in his car. Proof that bitches will always find a way to push your buttons. Lil’ Wayne got thrown out of a Lakers game for threatening a Miami Heat fan. Allegedly. And when I say allegedly, I mean shitloads of people saw him do it in a crowded stadium. Dick Clark’s carcass is still swimming in money and pussy at his Flintstone’s replica manor somewhere in the Hollywood hills. Janice Dickinson is still an obnoxious cunt. There’s no real story no matter what she does. But this time she stole some jewelry. Don Johnson finally a lawsuit against his former flop of a show Nash Bridges and is now gonna be wiping his ass with hundred dollar bills for the rest of eternity.

Our old friend The WoodsWoman (AKA Sara VanLaningham) called in to thank the guys for playing her rendition of Machinehead’s Darkness Within on her piano. You may remember, this is a fan who sent in a piano cover of Death!Death!Die!’s The Woodsman. And she did a damn good job with both. Check her out, she’s good people. Both songs can be found on YouTube.

The guys debated on whether or not to do final calls. Apparently, CumTard is becoming a bit of a hard ass and not letting every asshole through, but of course, you can’t have evil without good, so it’s hit and miss. Honestly, there’s been some final calls gems, but more often than not it’s all the people who got hung up on earlier (and probably for good reason) making sure they can be heard. They’re not sure that the Tard is the best guy for the phones, but it remains to be seen. A lot of people called in to say thanks for not putting so many callers through. I think the term is “teething problems.” There’s a few things to polish up, but it’s not a final decision on anything yet. So keep calling, and try and make it good. Ellis does like his fans, and he likes hearing what you think, but he only has four hours on the air, so get to the fucking point. Will came in with an idea to do a wrap up sort of thing, which would put us here at noyouare out of business, but it’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard. It would be like that last few minutes of Sesame Street, but with titties!!! A couple ideas that got floated were to read people’s tweets, have some calls then just talk to each other for the last few minutes, all things that could work. And some girl asked who she had to blow to get her Wolfknives name and guess what the answer was? They tried final calls. It was not the worst of any other day. Girth worm called in and we found out that inside the Jew button is a magical scroll of some sort. A few final calls got through. Some guys wife insists on letting the dogs stay in bed while they’re fucking. Some guy called in and got outed for not being a real Eskimo. One guy called in to give an honest thanks for some advice Ellis gave him on final calls a while back, so it’s not a lost cause yet. Then the normal gaggle of slightly inebriated Canadian storytellers and cue the Bruce Lee music. If I learned one thing today, it’s that old people will always expect things to be like they were a long time ago. Offer to do anything for less than a dollar, they’ll be all over that shit like a gorilla eating a bran muffin. Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,

Well how about that shit, it’s Tuesday, I’m horribly sleep deprived from fucking your mum last night and I’m in charge of telling you what you missed on the show today. Ellis started the show talking about some dude calling him baby. Ellis didn’t take it too well, cause nobody puts Baby in the corner or some such shit. The way he described it, it was like there’s a voice in his head saying “baby, it’ll be alright” but it sounded like it was another person standing there. Stay in drugs kids. And don’t do school. Before the show, Ellis spent the whole morning looking for a new gym. Apparently, all the ones in Tarzana suck massive smegma covered dick, so it’s back to the home gym till someone decides to build something worth looking at out in the valley. The way he tells it, the new gym thing is part of a bigger plan, possibly coming to theaters near you this summer. Then Ellis got to talking about how his neighborhood kinda sucks, everybody seems disconnected with reality and nobody’s flashing titties when the mood strikes them. That’s fucked up. Nobody is ever mad when titties come out to say hi. I feel for the Wing, I lived near the suburbs, and that shit was boring. No titties, none at all. Tully joined in to tell us that the valley is a lot like New Jersey. It’s not a bad place, just not a good fit for everybody. Hey, did you ever think your kids could learn to read if you found a way to make it not so damn boring? Well, Tiger Lee Ellis is starting to learn how to read because of moto, according to something Ellis heard about him looking at some moto toys at the store and knowing who everybody is, then reading all the magazines about it. Sounds like he’s already off to a great start, moto, books, shit like that, that kid’s gonna be knee deep in moto whores by the time he’s in junior high. Ellis said he talked to some guy named Dave (I don’t give guys named Dave any credit, there’s too many of them in my family) and there’s maybe a track where they can abuse RawDog on two wheels, live on the air, for all our sadistic enjoyment. Yay!!! Then we got a lesson on the physics of being an extreme athlete (yes, I punched myself in the dick for saying that). Some ideas were tossed around about cool shit to do at this track, shooting loads on people, Yucko the Clown throwing cow pies, titties (maybe they didn’t mention titties, but it would liven up the atmosphere), all the friends of the show getting hurt learning to ride bikes beyond their skill levels, lots of good stuff. Then the talk switched to needles. And all the sweet ass drugs that doctors can give you for routine procedures. Tully let us know that nitrous never made him laugh. RawDog told us about getting put under and maybe touched inappropriately by his dentist.  Then Jude came by, and that’s where the drug talk got really good, cause that mother fucker parties. Jude let Ellis know that his show on Shade 45 is still growing, and Jason is getting closer to the top every week. Just look at the guests!!! Jude never had Drew Barrymore, or Slash, or Steven Tyler, or The fuckin’ Church of Hayden. Jude ain’t bitter though, just giving credit where credit is due. And Jude has to take shit from the management cause Eminem doesn’t actually come on the radio. Politics, my favorite. ‘Sall good in the hood though, they’re keeping it going till the wheels fall off. Jude is especially motivated cause he was still on some Valium from the night before. Jude has a crazy submissive chick who’s been hanging off his nuts like a winter coat. She may or may not be blowing him in the next room as we speak. Or baking him some cookies. Or rigging up some contraption for Jude to hang her from while he verbally abuses her. What’s the best time to tell your wife you fucked a bunch of other people? According to Jude and Tully, it’s while she’s doing the dishes. And if your boy get’s a sweet blow job from a top notch lady, don’t high five him on Facebook for it.

Ellis is now gonna be the proud owner of a lizard, who may or may not be named Supercross. That is, if Snookie doesn’t get her way and name it Santa McSomethingOrOther. Women…..Am I right? Jude used to know a guy who bought used pets off of crackheads who shoplifted them from pet stores. Sounds like the kind of guy I want to party with. We heard some talk about when the next EllisMania may allegedly be happening. Early signs are inconclusive, but there’s two big name assholes for the main event, and Ellis is thinking of fighting ten fans at once, no matter how drunk and invincible they might be after two days in the Nevada desert. Sun stroke and dehydration mean nothing when you get in a ten on one fight and you’re part of the ten.

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So the new Death!Death!Die! album is coming along nicely. AJ from the backstreet boys dropped his verse for the new single Butt Town. Judging by the behind the scenes audio we heard, it’s something worth being excited about. Like AJ is almost a real musician, who won’t be won over by Shoebox’s digital remastering charms. Jason relayed a text message conference between himself and Dingo and something about midgets and hot ass may be in our listening future. But we’ll get to that when the time comes. Now, it’s time for unsigned farts. And man, if there weren’t some fucking amazing ones. I don’t give a fuck how juvenile you think I am, that shit is always gonna be funny. Know why? Cause I’m a human male between the ages of birth and death. And guess what, it’s going all week. So be prepared for more gaseous releases from a pack of stupid assholes. (OH!!!!) Hey, does your house need lights? Well pay your fuckin’ bills, you lazy biatch! Or, if that’s not why you eat your mac ‘n’ cheese in the dark, you can check out the new line of luxury home lighting designs by Vanilla Ice!!! I have no joke for that!!! It just writes itself!!! But seriously, he’s doing light fixtures now. I’m sure there’s a place on the web where you can go and reserve judgement for yourself. Did you know that guy had a TV show on the DIY network where he flipped houses? Me neither, cause DIY is one of those channels that’ll give you the gay, and I’d like to die with my behymen intact. RawDog allegedly found his perfect woman, the heiress to the In-N-Out burger empire!!! If she’s anything like what I’m imagining, I’d go have a taste of those beef curtains. Maybe even get it animal style. (Zing!!! Fuck me, this always happens after lunch, alright I’m back). As much shit as I may want to talk about the guy, seems like he’s turned his one hit wonder status into a semi lucrative career, so shout out to Vanilla, he’s as Cool as Ice in my book. Jason was recognized by a cop while he was getting pulled over for some sweet ass illegal traffic move. That’s gotta be a good feeling. I’ve been recognized by cops before, but never for anything cool. After that we heard about a hobo fighting a guy with a hatchet. Apparently, one of them thought he was the son of Barry or some shit. And we got sweet commentary from a guy who sounded either stoned or Canadian. Justin Timberlake did a show and donated all the profits to charity, so he’s steering clear of the Jew box this time. Some guy tried to make a lady working at the massage parlor give him a happy ending, and she wasn’t having that shit. The guy who runs American Apparel is fucking every model who’s ever done an ad for them. Chris Brown is trying to skip out on his probation, Justin Bieber is still a little teenage lesbian, only now he’s poundin’ sizurp every so often. This led to a debate about which one is scarier, a shark or a gay man? Remember, there’s no such thing as homophobia, you’re just a shit head. We heard an adorable story about this one time when Pink and Carey Hart broke up for a little bit then got back together. So that’s what happened in the news today.

And of course, it was another wonderful edition of new music Tuesday today. First we got a taste of the new Yelawolf. Then there was a seemingly abrupt end to new music Tuesdays to talk about what a crotchety old woman RawDog is. He would like all these young kids to pipe down with their big hot rod cars and their crazy speakers. Apparently the vibration from a pair of 18″ subs will jar one of his kidney stones loose. Back to NMT, We heard a new ones from Joe Budden, then more debate about public noise ordinances, the new Coheed and Cambria, some other band I never heard of, Another one, some new Red Hot Chili Peppers, Some more shit I never heard of and then it trailed off to a music break and then into cock news. Apparently, prisoners are geting so bored in jail that they’re doing cock implants out in the yard. I don’t know if that’s a red dragons or a cue to go hang yourself, but it’s fucking crazy nonetheless. Then there was final calls, where the best of the fans got a chance to show what great contributions they are to the human race. If I can leave you with one great piece of advice, I would tell you that if you’re gonna sleep on a crust punks couch, make sure you burn your clothes the next day. Scabies are a mother fucker. Red Dragons bitches ,,rr,