Show Re-cap For Tuesday 2/12/2013

Good Eeeeeeeeeevening, shitheads. Today is sure to be amazing for all of you. I’ve been fighting tech support over my phone for the last five days, so my asshole feels like I got fucked with a handful of rusty brake shavings for lube, but the Ellis show always provides cool, soothing relief to those kinds of injuries. So we start today hearing about how women’s voices are way prettier than men’s, but that they should stick to not trying to be evil. Then this theory was trumped by the Maria Brink “red dragons” button, and will yelling it like a 14 year old boy. This led to a discussion about who the best singers really are. And of course, somebody brought up some Rolling Stone top ten list, and they decided that was mainstream so it’s bullshit. Just like what you like. Burger mate came to guest star on the show today, as well as the only successful drug addict we know, Rude mothafuckin’ Jude. Jude said his headphones sounded like warm robots, so I’m guessing he’s on day three or four of a fucking really good time. They got to talking about how awesome Prince was and how he needs to get back on the map. And how Chuck D is probably plotting Flava Flav’s murder every second of every day for letting “Flavor of Love” happen. And how Bridgette Niellsen is probably gonna be the one to make it happen. Sinead O’Conner started playing in the background and then Jude brought up Kate Bush. Everyone in the building became a raging lesbian for a few minutes. But not the annoying kind, the friendly, tom-boyish kind. The kind we probably all want to hang out with. They mentioned how Sinead tore up that picture of the pope that one time and how if someone did that today nobody would give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock. Some guy called in from Kuwait to see if Ellis would ever come out for a USO tour, he said he would, one day when someone gives him the OK to swing his balls overseas. RawDog made it clear that he does not know who Joey Butta-Foo-okoh is. And everybody shit on him for it. It pays to know about OJ Simpson’s friends. He defended it by saying that poetry brings class to the show. Voice Altemecation lady called in. Shout out to TC Helicon. It reignited the best singer argument. Once again, just like what you like. Fuck everybody. And the best singer in the world is still probably a woman. Could Whitney Houston do a respectable cover of Danzig? I fucking hope we get to find out someday. That would be a crossover for the ages. Would she be covering old misfits stuff? Or Samhain? what about his solo work? Keep your thoughts to yourself, they’re all good ideas. Don’t want anybody stealing them.


So, every time RawDog visits Jason’s house, he doesn’t push the Jew button. For this, Ellis has ejected him from the Jewish community. Collect your foreskin and leave your yarmulke at the door, Josh. No more controlling the media for you. Seriously, though, touch the Jew button. Jew girls are lots of fun in bed. More music talk, then Ellis started telling a story about smoking weed in the mountains building a house somewhere. There were phones ringing at my work, I didn’t catch all of it. After that story, Jude got a  lesson in Metallica. It’s a lesson everybody needs from time to time. He seems to be coming around to the metal. Jude went back to his day job and the music talk kept going. I heard more of Kelly Clarkson than my sins deserve to be repaid, then we heard some Concrete Blonde by suggestion from Tully as a counterpoint to the Clarkson. Being a kid from the 90’s, I am glad we have a Tully to balance out the stream of crap that came out in my early twenties. The conversation went on to reveal that Josh still thinks Mariah Carey is the best singer, and that he’s wrong. Well played, Tussin Wolf.


Great news!!! Right after the Pope announced his resignation, the Vatican got struck by a big fucking mega lightning bolt!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAhhahahahahahahahaha Even I can’t help but laugh at that. So, football players are overpaid shitheads, right? What about moto guys? Both sports are very dangerous, but nobody in football did what Robbie Madison just pulled off. The way I hear it, he went to some airplane graveyard and jumped the entire thing from one end to the other or some such shit. It sounds like really awesome video, if you know how to use technology, go see if you can find it. Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, you’re late as fuck, but check out the Apple Juice video from Taintstick circa 2009. You can see a sveldt young Jewish man lifting weights all greased up and Rob Dyrdek giving the fuck-me eyes to anything in rollerblades that doesn’t have a vagina! This segued into recordings Jason had of Rawdog singing some pop music shit. The music sucked, but it lends itself well to making fun of Rawdog even more than we already do. We got into some religion talk about how badly Rawdog keeps up his end of the Jew bargain. Not sticking to the animal sacrifices in the book of Leviticus and shit. Hanging around ladies while they’re on their period, bein’ all unclean like a fuckin’ savage. Yeah, sounds like a great set of rules for your day to day life. Rawdog considers him a reform Jew, or as Tully says it, a Sizzler Jew. Basically it means he sticks with the stuff that makes sense, and dropped all the other bullshit that sounds like fairy tales and scary stories. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, if it works for you, it works for you. The reform Jews are also cool with the gays, so maybe there’s no reason to talk too much shit. It’s all supposed to be about love, right? Well, nothing says love like letting people know it’s OK to nibble the cookie or stuff your entire fist in another man’s ass. If Tully showed up tomorrow with two big stone tablets proclaiming that they were the ten commandments, how long do you think he would keep a straight face? A caller challenged Rawdog’s diet as a way of saying he’s not much of a Jew. His rebuttal was that “it is not necessary to exclude pork and shellfish to have a healthy diet” and without giving  away too much, I heard a shovel moving thousands of miles an hour and Rawdog’s voice took on an echo like he was some several hundred feet under the studio. Another caller explained just how a lot of religious laws actually were started to keep people healthy in their villages 5,000 years ago. Makes enough sense to me. I’m sure I could wax intellectual on this forever, but These god damn customers keep fucking up my flow. Honestly, I have no idea who’s right or wrong on this kind of stuff, just treat people well, how about that? Don’t be a prick. Seems like a decent way to do it.


The Sirius online player fucked up, and I missed everything that happened between the Yelawolf song and the next break when Jason put on Nirvana, if you heard it, feel free to put it in the comments section and if you missed it, go complain to Sirius that they’re not doing enough to help people copy and share their material. Just going by what I saw on twitter, I think all I missed was New Music Tuesday, and that’s probably for the best, cause there was already plenty of music talk at the beginning of the show. Where it picked back up for me, they were doing a news report about a new heavily caffeinated breakfast drink for kids. Apparently, crystal meth and youthful energy isn’t enough to make it through the third grade anymore. I’m just glad there’s one more way for parents to try to take care of their kids with drugs. Cause everything’s a syndrome, doncha know. While we’re on the topic, fuck the FDA with a broken stick. Twice. The best food you can eat is what your girlfriend grows herself. That’s right, I’m talkin’ PUSSSAAAAAYYYYY!!!! This segued into a news report of a fat bitch who killed herself from a two gallon a day Coca-Cola habit. I’ve heard it said that Karma works, just not on your schedule. Sounds about right to me. Sounds to me like the sugar and caffeine industry is just as evil as Phillip Morris. Too bad, I love my coffee, and sugar, and it goes great with cigarettes. Just try and teach any youngsters or idiots around you better than you had. Now, some people have heard me say that you can allegedly freebase instant coffee. I promise you, this is true. It comes off as a thick yellow smoke. It’s probably a bad idea, but it’s definitely a great party trick.


Hollywood news time came around, Alec Baldwin is about to have his first kid with his wife at the spry young age of 54. Glad to see Scientologists are cutting their dicks off. Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z are going on tour together, which is about as thrilling as watching your grandma knit an afghan. The Iron Sheik is pissed at the Olympics for taking wrestling out of the official games. Fuck the Olympics for that one, seriously. We need to write letters to somebody about this, and make them humble. Or fuck them in the ass, whatever works. The drummer from the Black Keyes has son’ ‘splaining to do because he was talking shit about Justin Bieber winning a Grammy. Bieber of course answered back like a bratty little shithead on twitter, and his fans are why I’m getting a vasectomy as soon as I can find someone to do it at my house. Beyonce may or may not be a stone cold freak, saying that she feels “more like a woman” after having her baby. So I guess Jay-Z is getting blood and scat play, whether he likes it or not. Larry Byrd’s son earned himself a pair of silver bracelets for trying to run his girlfriend down in his car. Proof that bitches will always find a way to push your buttons. Lil’ Wayne got thrown out of a Lakers game for threatening a Miami Heat fan. Allegedly. And when I say allegedly, I mean shitloads of people saw him do it in a crowded stadium. Dick Clark’s carcass is still swimming in money and pussy at his Flintstone’s replica manor somewhere in the Hollywood hills. Janice Dickinson is still an obnoxious cunt. There’s no real story no matter what she does. But this time she stole some jewelry. Don Johnson finally a lawsuit against his former flop of a show Nash Bridges and is now gonna be wiping his ass with hundred dollar bills for the rest of eternity.


Our old friend The WoodsWoman (AKA Sara VanLaningham) called in to thank the guys for playing her rendition of Machinehead’s Darkness Within on her piano. You may remember, this is a fan who sent in a piano cover of Death!Death!Die!’s The Woodsman. And she did a damn good job with both. Check her out, she’s good people. Both songs can be found on YouTube.


The guys debated on whether or not to do final calls. Apparently, CumTard is becoming a bit of a hard ass and not letting every asshole through, but of course, you can’t have evil without good, so it’s hit and miss. Honestly, there’s been some final calls gems, but more often than not it’s all the people who got hung up on earlier (and probably for good reason) making sure they can be heard. They’re not sure that the Tard is the best guy for the phones, but it remains to be seen. A lot of people called in to say thanks for not putting so many callers through. I think the term is “teething problems.” There’s a few things to polish up, but it’s not a final decision on anything yet. So keep calling, and try and make it good. Ellis does like his fans, and he likes hearing what you think, but he only has four hours on the air, so get to the fucking point. Will came in with an idea to do a wrap up sort of thing, which would put us here at noyouare out of business, but it’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard. It would be like that last few minutes of Sesame Street, but with titties!!! A couple ideas that got floated were to read people’s tweets, have some calls then just talk to each other for the last few minutes, all things that could work. And some girl asked who she had to blow to get her Wolfknives name and guess what the answer was? They tried final calls. It was not the worst of any other day. Girth worm called in and we found out that inside the Jew button is a magical scroll of some sort. A few final calls got through. Some guys wife insists on letting the dogs stay in bed while they’re fucking. Some guy called in and got outed for not being a real Eskimo. One guy called in to give an honest thanks for some advice Ellis gave him on final calls a while back, so it’s not a lost cause yet. Then the normal gaggle of slightly inebriated Canadian storytellers and cue the Bruce Lee music. If I learned one thing today, it’s that old people will always expect things to be like they were a long time ago. Offer to do anything for less than a dollar, they’ll be all over that shit like a gorilla eating a bran muffin. Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,

Leave a Reply