Fuck me running, we’re back at it again!!! If you got a three day weekend like me and the Ellis Show did, I hope you spent it the same way I did, which is knee deep in Canadian pussy. It’s a great time. Anyhow, the show started with Ellis talking about changing up his game a bit. He’s been feeling a bit of a rut going and needs to rededicate himself to the fuckin’ game. Sounds like there’s just lots of assholes in Hollywood that are wearing on him. I can understand, starfuckers are kind of annoying. Apparently the head tattoo is making people question his ability as a parent, which is about the dumbest comparison I’ve ever heard. It’s like telling a doctor they have no business going out dancing, it’s got nothing to do with the fucking job, so how about you just shut the fuck up. This spiraled into talk about whether or not juice cleanses make any sense at all. Sure, we all ingest some nasty shit, but do we really need to make liquid poopies for two weeks to make it all OK? Probably not. But then again, there’s all those ingredients on a box of mac and cheese that even I can’t pronounce, so it’s a chicken/egg debate that will probably never get an answer anyone will be happy with. Tarzana is once again proving itself a shithole. No gym, and the wing can’t find a place to train the way he wants. Ellis is still pissed at Gabe Ruediger for not fighting a little harder at EllisMania 8. Him and Katie had planned to fuck in the dressing room after the fight with Ellis leaking blood all over the place. That would have really made the party in my opinion. How do you think all your favorite faces from popular TV ads are doing? Well, we all know the host of Family Feud killed himself, so the insurance mascots can’t be too much happier. I’m sure “Flo” from Progressive is hiding a massive drinking problem and the black guy from the All state mayhem commercials does everything he can not to be called out by his black friends for being a complete and total sellout. But the real head cases have to be the writers, because they’re the ones who have to come up with 30 seconds of shit to make you give them their money without pissing off the corporate stiffs. Ellis won’t ever try to do that shit with his kids, cause he doesn’t want to turn into one of those shithead pageant moms that turns their kids into an anorexic heroin addict. This segued beautifully into Rawdog having shit in his eye even after taking a shower cause he’s a dirty bastard. He’s still hitting the gym four days a week, so good for him. You can be dirty and fit and still pull down some fresh west Hollywood wool. SiriusXM emailed some wonderful recommendations of what Ellis should listen to, such as Bob Dylan. How cool would it be to have Bob rap off a “Fuck Tully, truck yeah!!!” every so often? Jamie Foxx still doesn’t have anything to do with the FoxxHole, But whatever, it’s not like they’re already paying him way more than he was worth if he was on every afternoon. Oprah Winfrey is gonna be in reruns for the next 600 years, so that ladies with massive vaginas can all have their periods every afternoon for an hour when they should be doing some housework or cooking my dinner. Our old pal The Dingo stopped by, talking about everything from the iPhone 5, to headphones, to Monster Energy, to the Dirtshark, all in a matter of seconds! Shout out to the Sharklets as well, Australian girls don’t give a fuck, and that’s how we like ’em. Ellis went to Beacher’s Madhouse over the weekend with Grant Cobb after having the bald spot inked over. This sparked talk about head tattoos and good parents, Travis Barker, Twitch, Yelawolf, all good guys with head tattoos. So maybe they can’t get a job setting up the produce section at Safeway, but fuck it, leave those jobs for all the high school dropouts of your town. If you wouldn’t buy groceries from somebody just cause of where they have tattoos, you would probably starve in the next five years when that shit is so mainstream that they have a political party.
So, Beacher’s madhouse. Rawdog was specifically excluded from this adventure because he’s too nervous in crowds. Ellis is gonna have a free table reserved for him for life. The bitches there will steal your chairs though, so watch out. Ellis met a lady named Chuckie who was sweet and adorable, then a lady named Ashley showed up with her tits all hanging out, so Chuckie was officially trumped. Uncovered titties are always a win, ladies, keep that in mind. Ashley then followed Ellis around for a few hours with her nipple in his ear, helping him network with people at the club. This got old, because Grant was getting mauled by stupid bitches and Ellis was trying to network his balls all over someone’s face. Just as Grant was leaving, he snapped a pic of Ellis getting a lap dance from some chick. So, all in all not a wasted night. Then the midgets started showing up. And we all know, when the midgets show up, that’s when it turns into a fuckin’ party. Unless you’re in the middle of some drama between a midget and one of his bitches. You could end up getting bottled in the head from a seven foot lady. After all that shit, Ellis ditched the naked lady at the curb on the way out of the club, cause she was starting shit and he didn’t need it. She can have her midget and her drama. But before he left, he did get to sit in the photo booth with hot ladies who were all jocking the shit out of him. And some more hot ladies danced all over his table and some other shit happened and pretty much it was nothing but hot ladies doing stuff on every inch of the room.
Sounds like Katie is becoming more of a champion girlfriend every day, she’s paying to keep Ellis fed, cleans up after the dogs and she’s pretty respectably fucking hot and a stone cold freak. Can’t really think of too many negatives on that whole scenario. Jason could never be wingman for Rawdog, because he’s too weird and awkward. Bestie Madden is a little too good of a Wingman for Ellis, cause all the bitches in Hollywood are all about him. If you go to a club with Benji Madden, it’s almost certain he will be swarmed with ladies who will want nothing to do with you. If you ever call Dingo a poser, he’ll fire back with the fury of a thousand Zeuses and make you delete your Instagram like a BIOTCH!!! Dingo may be developing kidney stones, cue Rawdog’s dietary advice on preventing stones. Lemonade definitely helps, as well as increasing weekly nugget intake. Microwave corn dogs can’t hurt anything either. Just remeber, proper hydration and vitamins are your enemy when it comes to eating healthy. Like it says in the Slipknot cereal commercial “Shitting blood is metal.”
In crystal meth news, we heard a wonderful story about two brothers whose problems started the day they won the lottery. They celebrated their $75,000 win by smoking lots of weed and meth!!! And their celebration caused their house to explode!!! Specifically, they left a bottle of butane loose while refueling a lighter for the bongs they were smoking, the fumes made contact with the pilot light in their heater and wouldn’t you know it, they turned that rape turned into a murder. This earned them a nomination for Fucktard of the week, and rightly so, in my opinion. Would you fuck the woman of your dreams? What if you had to use a bottle of lube with three little shards of glass in it? Still pretty good odds, I’d say. Eight masked gunmen stole $50 million worth of diamonds from a plane in Zurich, or Munich or some place like that. Like a god damn James Bond Movie in this mother fucker. Some guy in Illinois who died with a net value of $1 million left his money to two washed up stars of eighties soap operas cause they replied to some fan mail he sent them thirty years ago. Lesbians are definitely tougher UFC fighters than men, if only for the fact that you can’t kick them in the balls. Ronda Rousey is gonna smash some bitches face and then give her a proper tongue lashing (Which is the part we all really wanna see anyway). Probably shouldn’t bring your kids to a cage match if you wanna keep mom from crawling up your ass about it when your son puts another kid in a triangle lock for his milk money. And all those celebrities who only show up for the main event are fucking posers. So the UFC sounds like it’s gonna be a good time this weekend, if that’s what you’re into I recommend you check it out.
Who do you think would win a boxing match, Mickey Rourke or Steven Segal? We all know Segal is a world class bullshit artist, but that doesn’t make you any better at taking a punch. Then again, Rourke’s facelift may have made him a little easier to put to sleep. Both are guest coaches on the Ultimate Fighter this season. I’d love to see which one provides better insight on the art of fighting. Rawdog brought up some photo shopped pics of celebrities and this led to the conclusion that he needs to jerk off more. And stop taking everything in the media so literally. Almost every photo of a celebrity is airbrushed as all fuck. Except that Paris Hilton sex tape, you couldn’t take the ugly out of that shit if you put a stunt vagina in it. Dingo accidentally admitted having some premature ejaculation much like Rumble McTumbleskin. Once again guys, gotta release that divine fluid as often as possible to prevent shooting a load in your pants when getting heavy with your sweetie. And if you’re anything like Rawdog, once a day is not enough. Mississippi just outlawed slavery. Fuck yeah. Glad they’ve finally come around. All of 150 years after everyone else. America really is the land of progress, isn’t it? Glad all it took was someone who wasn’t even born here watching a dramatized version of the Lincoln presidiency on the silver screen to figure it out. Shout out to that guy. Great news out of Guangdong province, your town is named DONG!!! If you really love the dong, you’ll find a man who will try to commit suicide by picking a fight with an ostrich. Jackson Strong stopped by today, he’s not into the dong enough to fight a flightless bird, because he’s too busy making a dirtbike fly across a stadium in your town. Jackos 1, Ostrich ZERO. Lemme know when you get your head out of the sand and learn how to do a nack-nack, you fucking poser bird. Jackson was partying with a dead kangaroo and his mom was doing some aborigine witchcraft off on the sidelines. Of course when he’s not partying like an Aussie voodoo doctor, he’s a freestyle motocross rider and recently he’s gotten into snowmobiling. Jackson has never had sex with a girl and then fucked her again with the same rubber, like our champion buddy Rawdog has, but he has fallen asleep with the rubber still on and woken up hours later covered in his own powdered load. There was a video from Winter X-Games where Jackson’s snowmobile attacked somebody. It went viral on YouTube and sounds funny as fuck. Then he apparently got a bunch of shit for it on the internet. In all seriousness, these guys go way too hard in the motherfucking paint for the amount of shit they have to put up with from the public. Take it from me, I work with the public, and they can go fuck themselves. They talked about internet trolls and how lame it must be if you are one. Sure, there’s some that make hilarious mischief, there’s some though that are just assholes. Gotta be tough to go from moto to snowmo, but there’s a hell of a party in Aspen when you do it, so lets all make our way to the hot tub and show Charlie Murphy ya TITTAAAAAYYSSS!!! If you ever launch a snowmobile a hundred feet through the air into a fence, make sure you’ve got duct tape. As the old expression goes, duck it, and fuck it. Everybody’s Wikipedia page is completely tampered with. Rawdog’s says he was raped by a crocodile. We all remember that one time when he was actually raped by Dingo!!! And that other time when Ellis raped him. And I think there were a few more times after that too. But all the same, rape isn’t funny, unless you do it to a clown. This led to making stabs at Deegan and the Metal Mullisha. They’re great folks, but in my opinion Dave Mirra got robbed at EllisMania 7 and that octane academy show was not the best use of Deegan’s oral skills. OHHHH!!! We heard more on snowmobiling, moto, Deegan, being a sick cunt, the normal kind of stuff we hear about on the show. If you think you can do a front flip, tell me how that piece of your skull tastes when it ends up in the back of your throat after you take a digger off the roof of your apartment building into the cooler that all your buddies pissed in before they dared you to do a front flip with your kid brother’s BMX. We heard about the Aussie foreskin, which is apparently a pretty normal thing, because the Jews haven’t gotten their claws into Australia quite as much as they have in America. Shout out to the hooded snake. And to our old friends the Jews, keep it in Hollywood, and on retainer at our local law firms.
Hollywood news time!!! Fuck me running, Metta World Peace had the police over at his house after someone called to say that there were a shitload of guys wandering around with guns. Turns out it was just BB guns from a music video they shot, but of course the po-po always gotta try and keep the black man down. Clyde Davis is all about the cock. Mindy McCready was a country star and after some hard times in the music market, she took the easy way and ended her own life. I try not to talk to much shit on people that kill themselves, they got it tough enough already, and their families don’t deserve the bullshit. Vivid video has pulled her sex tape off the shelves. Lindsay Lohan is demanding half a million dollars to hock energy drinks in Dubai, but may not be able to leave the country cause she keeps getting arrested for shit. Alec Baldwin is under investigation for hate crimes due to some remarks about the black people he made to a paparazzo. Smart move, shit brick. Never tell a camera man to suck your dick or a female reporter you want to choke her to death. Someone copied a few tweets before he got a chance to delete them, and he seems to be digging himself a pretty deep angry racist hole. Then again, the reporter is an ex-cop who may have been doing some shady shit with his badge. Fuck the paparazzi, and those capitol one commercials are fucking retarded. Britney Spears is dating some guy named Dave. He works at a law firm, but he’s not a lawyer. He seems like a normal enough guy that may be the counter balance to her internal batshit cray-cray. The two of them have been golfing and going out for sushi on Valentine’s day, and Dave tips pretty well. Lil’ Wayne may or may not be a dumbass, after NOT being banned from any future NBA events for his outburst a little while back. He was leading a chant against the NBA and the Miami Heat after they DIDN’T have any problem letting him back into another game. Then he said he fucked some NBA player’s wife, so shout out? At least he’s a terrible skateboarder. UPDATE!!! The Cop-arazzi is a poser and should be arrested for carrying a fake badge. Fuck the man, fuck him gently and then very passionately. And them smack him across the mouth with your shit covered dick and throw him down the stairs. Leonardo DiCaprio is taking a break from acting to save the rhinos, good for him. No final calls today, just a couple folks chiming in about Young Wahool and then cue the Bruce Lee music. I’ve seen a lot of things in my time, and one thing I can definitely say I’ve learned is that when you build an igloo, you definitely should carve some titties in the wall. But for the love of god, don’t try to fuck them, your dick will turn black and not the way you want it to. Red Dragons mother fuckers. ,,rr,