Happy Wednesday fuckers! Do you got rage in you? Snooki Ellis might, she beat up a boy her age at school and Ellis thinks he may have passed on a “dumb and angry gene” to her on account of her struggles she has had with school like he did. He says he knows that’s not really true, but he is going to meet with her therapist and there are some things he needs to work out with his ex to work on Snook’s issues. It’s pretty common with kids who have divorced parents at that age, and either way, the Ellis’ will work it out.
Do you like soup? Of course you do, who doesn’t? I’ll give you three guesses as to which person on the show is not a soup guy. Oh wow, you got it right on the first one, yes, Rawdog does not like soup (Unless it’s Matzos Ball soup OF COURSE) and thinks cheese in soup is a weird concept. I don’t know why anyone is ever surprised at this shit anymore but holy shit, cheese on soup is god damned amazing. Then, Tully told Rawdog about cheese soup and it blew his fucking mind. One of these days they need to get some cheese soup into the studio and have him try it. Maybe if they made chicken nugget cheese soup he’d like it. Holy shit balls chicken nugget cheese soup sounds amazing. We may be onto something there. Jason apologized to Rawdog for skipping over Disturbed on NMT, saying he needs to broaden his horizons musically, and try new things if he is going to lecture Rawdog on foods he should try. I say that is bullshit, because Rawdog may stumble into liking a vegetable, but even vegetables hate Disturbed.
Tully brought up a recent study that reported that the majority of people’s first time having sex set the tone for their sex life forever. This spawned what could be a great new segment: How did you lose your virginity? Tully said he took forever to bust a nut the first time, which explains why he is such a sexual champion. Ellis’ was a little more depressing as we all know, but Twitter and the callers brought out quite a few gem. Some chick called in to say she lost her virginity in a movie theater. What movie was the backdrop to her deflowering you ask? The Rugrats Movie. Yeah. So if the theory is true, that chick dresses dudes up like Reptar and has them chase her around while she’s wearing a diaper. Sleep well with that image tonight kiddies. Another guy called in and said his first time was with a 40-something lady while her 48-year-old husband watched and jerked it in the corner. Yeah, shit’s dark. What could make that a little worse? He was the paperboy. All in all, I hope they bring this back as a permanent segment, because the Ellisfam has some serious doozies. All the talk about deflowering got the guys talking about how easy it seems the kids are getting BJ’s these days, and how it was almost unheard of when they were growing up. Ellis thinks it’s the explosion of porn in the world. I think it’s because your Mom’s been volunteering as a counselor for summer camps across the country. OH!
The return of Doing Stuff With Rawdog, and we have to get this man a TV show. I mean, is there anything this man boy can do? But oh man did we learn some shit today. Did you know soup is basically just water with some other shit thrown in and heated up in the microwave? Blew my mind. If you like Italian wedding soup, just wait for the Mafia Don’s daughter to get hitched, drop a net over the top of the ceremony, drop the net into a soup pot and maintain a rolling boil for 4-6 hours. Oh right, nets! If you have a mole problem, just stick a hose inside the mole hole(Bong Bon) and flush the little bastard out and wait to spring your net over him and Bob’s your uncle. Inserting a catheter may be easier than previously thought, unless the dude is screaming his balls off, in which case you just drug the bastard and jam that tube up the pee hole while he is out. Also, if you have to deliver a baby, drug that bitch and let the little mongrel slide out of there like it’s Magic Mountain. Jumping a car is easy peasy as well, you just have to make sure to listen for the little *bzzz* sound that lets you know the car is charging. You know, sort of like in Super Mario Brothers when you hit the blocks and if you hear the little *bling* sound you know there’s a coin in there. If you’re in a strange town and you need to get your party on, find a 2-star hotel and ask the concierge (Seriously he said concierge for a 2-star hotel) and ask him where the party is. I laughed for half a second before realizing you probably could get some meth at a couple of the shit houses where I live. Hell you could probably get it at Wal-Mart where I live. Having trouble coming down off of your room serviced cocaine? Take some downers and level that biological see-saw out. Coming out of a heroin bender? Drink a Red Bull. It’s that simple when you ask the Dog boy’s and girls.
Hollywood news was up next, and it was a lot of Hollywood types doing Hollywood things. You know, building houses made of Gluten-Free, Organic, Non-GMO Porsches and such. There are rumors that a relatively unknown singer who sounds like Britney Spears may have sung some of her songs for her when she was too busy making sandcastles in the crazy box. Ellis’ didn’t think she sounded like Britney, but she sounded like a dead ringer for me. I couldn’t find the video because I couldn’t remember the chick’s name but if you are interested in hearing it, you can research it you big ol’ sack of gayyyyyyyy. The guys ultimately decided that if you are shocked whenever you hear something from Hollywood was fake, you may require a helmet to keep you licking the windows on the outside of a moving bus. Look’s like the powers that be at Kellogg’s may have gotten the jump on Ellis and Corey Taylor for the Slipknot Cereal. There was a recall on a certain type of Special K with pieces of glass in it. So even Kellogg’s thinks shitting blood is metal and kids these days need to get started early. And hey, if you’re fat and you did eat this glass cereal, wipe the shit out with the freedom wand fatty!
Ellis decided to end the show a bit differently today, dismissing Tully and Josh and doing the last half hour of the show by himself. A ballsy move in my opinion with how shitty the callers have been, but I was wrong! The old man’s still got it and seemed to fall back into answering calls and talking to himself like he used to do. Of course, some dumb asses still called in asking to speak to Jason, and I hope each and every one drove into a guard rail once Jason hung up on them. Let’s make a sweeping rule: Don’t ever ask for Jason OK? If Mickey Mouse answers the phone, you can still drone on about how much you like the show, because we never get tired of hearing that of course. Apparently, Howard Stern mentioned something about not thinking Jason’s head tattoo was real. I didn’t hear the clip but I can’t imagine Howard would doubt that the man that is covered in ink would let the piece of bare skin God took away from him go to waste. Either way, Ellis doesn’t care what anyone thinks and they should all fuck off. And as far as fucking off goes, I think you should do the same, because that was about it for the show today. I got a little lazy today and didn’t put any pictures with the post so you illiterate bastards who just scroll through to laugh at the pictures were shit out of luck. Hey, you should feel happy you got this far without going all Mongo Smash on the inter web machine you water-headed mongoloid.