Lunch time!!! For me that means waiting in the office for the boss to get back and Ellis show time. Jason started the show talking about testicles. And how the show has a vibe that oozes man. More specifically, a show that’s for people who want to get shit done. About being dangerous and muscle-ey. Basically a show that’s not gay, but still, very very forceful . People are apparently giving the show a little but of hassle cause they’re surprised it’s actually good. This prompted Tully to actually start following Rawdog on twitter, to help him reach his twitter goal of beating Carlos Mencia in the follower count. Somebody sent Ellis a waterproof iPhone case, and the boys decided to put it to the test. I’m guessing if it works, we may be seeing some underwater poontang from the Ellis home pool. This brought up the topic of the movie Waterworld. Kevin Costner is a half-fish, wife-and-child-beating shithead. He also has a lot of disposable income to write, direct, star in and suckify half decent movie premises for his own amusement. He’s also going bald though, so karma does definitely work. I’m probably just hating cause I don’t have that kind of fuck you money just yet. Wait for it though, it could happen. The guys noticed that Dane Cook sure as fuck fell off the map. Which is good, he kinda sucked and was a hack. Our favorite pal Rude Jude stopped by. He’s been fighting of a touch of the super AIDS for the last couple days, so there were no bro-hugs this afternoon. He found some old picture of Ellis with hair and the guys got a good laugh at how much things can change in just a little while. You ever checked out old pics to see how awesome you used to think you were and how bad you would kick your ass if you met you now? Give it a try, it’s pretty fun. The guys talked baldness and getting old for a bit, how much it must suck to go bald when you’re in your 20’s, and then the waterproof phone case test started. Somebody sent in some Rockstar in all kinds of fancy dick slobbing flavors. I happen to know the guy, it was @Hollow_NorCal https://twitter.com/Hollow_NorCal on twitter and he’s a solid dude. If you’re in the Santa Rosa, CA area, check him out at Wine Country Body Art.
The waterproof case ended up working pretty well, so EllisMania.com and Rawdog’s parking stub are moving on to future glory. Rude Jude was wearing a sweater worthy of comment by Tully. The rest of us probably don’t put that much thought into a sweater. Kanye West is a bitch, and had some kind of shit to talk about Jay-Z and Beyonce. He’s probably jealous that Jay got Beyonce and all he could pick up was Kim K. But then again, Kanye always has some shit to talk about something that probably has nothing to do with anything, so fuck him. He’s the N-Bomb we all love to hate. If this proves anything about society as a whole, we will watch a mother fucker get hit by a bus over and over and over, in slow-mo, in reverse, through a different camera filter, in 3D, on Skype, through a glory hole and on pay-per-view live from the Oakland Coliseum. Prince is kind of the same as Kanye, but he can at least play a guitar and make us believe his bullshit if he really wants us to. Careful how you use the N-bomb, folks. You can get away with it on your birthday, if you’re rapping along with the strip club DJ and you’re Australian, but the rest of the time it’s kinda sketchy and you could get your ass kicked really hard. Jude has had trouble with that word cause everybody thinks he’s black and would drop it all the time, but he’s not black, he’s just a white guy with rhythm and a touch of class, so he tries to steer clear of it. If you feel like dropping the N-bomb, just take a shit in someone’s moms mouth instead. If there’s a mom to use, it’s definitely Rawdog’s mom, as she is an avid listener of the show. Yesterday was Tiger Lee Ellis’ birthday, and he got a sweet ass monster truck hot-wheels set up from the dad. That kid is a champ in training, I tell ya. Jude remembers how awesome hot wheels were, but thinks that kids these days are losing their imagination to having too much stuff to play with. What ever happened to playing with sticks or talking to your mom? I blame the French, but then so does everyone. Did your parents ever make you walk home in the snow? Mine didn’t cause it doesn’t snow here, but I’ve wandered home from school in some bad fucking rain and hail and East Oakland, so it’s just as dangerous. Tully’s kid is about to be going to daycare, so he’s gonna start training him to defend himself. If some kid pushes you in the sandbox, go take a shit in his mom’s mouth. This inspired Rawdog to bring up his future offspring, who are probably gonna be eating way better than he will, by way of them hopefully having a mom. Luckily, Rawdog is enough of a people pleaser that he’ll probably ditch the hot pockets and nuggets if his lady is pushy enough. It’s hard to be in a relationship, there’s lots of give and take, and if you’re Rawdog, it’s her giving him shit and him taking it. He’s gonna be sneaking microwave corndogs the whole time, but he’ll be taking it.
Remember that story Tully told about shitting in a washing machine? we dived into that story a little deeper today, apparently it was kind of planned, and even hipsters hate hipsters. Especially ten years ago when there weren’t that many of them. Maybe when you don’t know how to work a washing machine, you might be tempted to shit in it too. Of course, if you’ve got friends you hate, you may shit in it on purpose, not due to ignorance of the technology in front of you. This sparked a talk about people being idiots and shitting on things as a prank/revenge/cause it was funny/America/drugs and or alcohol. Ellis actually did see somebody shit in a fish tank once, it’s not just a joke. Ellis and his friends tried to blow up a microwave and the owner kicked his ass for it. Jude used to boost car radios, and his buddy would come along and slash tires and piss in the cars after Jude was done getting that Bose. This dude was apparently one of the dumbest criminals ever, he got arrested for robbing a pizza shop two blocks from his house with no mask on. FOR $53!!! SPLIT THREE WAYS!!! Tully had to chime in that police are kind of like day care for adults, and in a way a lot of them are. Depends where you live, I guess. If you’re on crack having an argument with another dude on crack, make sure it’s not in public or you might get arrested. Maybe the cops need to just start letting the crackheads in L.A. kill eachother. It would free up some squat space for the next crop of heroin addicted failed movie stars that are sure to be rolling through any minute.
JaaaiiiilllllllBREAK!!! JaaaaaiiiillllllBREAK!!! ALL IN THE NAME OF LIBERTYYYY!!!!! Sorry, couldn’t help but sing along there, Akka Dakka makes me wanna fight a bitch. Plus they were just talking about cops. Kinda fits I suppose. Anyways, MMA news time, UFC doesn’t seem to be paying what people think they should, but then again the fighters themselves are getting paid from sponsors and such. Plus there’s signing bonuses and some of the big name fights may or may not be getting a percentage of the pay-per-view bottom line. So they’re not getting fucked as hard industry wide as other jobs you can get with no skill set and no college degree. Then again, bench warmers on some of the shittiest NFL teams are still brining home $10 million a season, which makes me want to go to the Oakland Raiders boot camp and throw dead animals at them while they’re running drills. But the UFC was in debt pretty deep until about ten years ago, and now that it’s finally in the black, of course the talent is gonna start bringing home a little more than they used to. Dana White did get a chance to not officially release numbers, but let an investigative reporter know that the last thing he wants is to fuck the fighters for all they put into his brand. Ellis got reminded of his skateboarding days and how doing it could pay really good, but only if you were really good and could do it consistently. Even the sponsors can’t pay the skaters much, and running a skateboard company is a pain in the ass. Bestie Madden called in for a long overdue chat with the boys before heading into the studio to record another panty dropper for the ladies. His take on the UFC thing is that, of course they’ve got expenses, and sure there’s money coming in, but they gotta promote the shit too, and then there’s people that show up, so by way of lots of math, the fighters aren’t getting fucked, it’s just the circumstances of the game, a lot like the music industry. Benji is growing his hair out again, just as Ellis is getting his replaced with a bad ass fucking wolf tattoo. Benji of course, is growing the hair out because pussy is a wonderful thing. Can’t really blame a guy for that. It’s like buying some new shoes so you can get a better job and get more pussy. There was more talk about sports player money and I got lost in a really good bacon cheeseburger for it, but it seemed like somebody might have said something smart about it.
Tiger box is fast approaching!!! If you haven’t heard, it’s an event Ellis is hosting dedicated to Metal, hot bitches and punching stuff. If you can make it on march 15th, bring a pack of panties to throw at the band/crowd/employees of the viper room. Bestie Madden may show up, and Mayhem is gonna be there, probably some other folks we all know as well. I’ve used up my travel for the next few months, so I expect pictures and panties from whoever can make it. If you go there as a couple, do some role playing. Be a whore for a night, fuck somebody on the hood of your car, smoke crack off a light bulb while you’re getting a blow job, see if there really is no sex in the champagne room, go nuts. Breaking Moto news, Travis Pastrana is having his first baby!!! Good for him, glad to see all those concussions haven’t done any damage to the ol’ wrinkle stick. What do you think the Pastranas should name their babay? Rawdog thinks Baby, and Jason thinks Backflip. Either way, that baby’s delivery is gonna be sponsored by Red Bull. What do think we should be doing “with the stars” next? There’s gonna be a show about competitive olympic style diving with the stars, what else could they do for more money and exposure? Ellis thinks skateboarding with the stars could be some quality entertainment. I propose either bicicle racing to the death or fighting with meter maids. Hollywood news!!! Carrie Fisher, that’s right, Princess Leia, was performing on a Caribbean cruise and in the middle of singing like absolute shit, while her dog took a massive shit on the stage. Shit like that is why I refuse to go on a cruise, no escape when shit goes wrong. Next thing you know, Darth Vader is gonna pop out from behind the curtains and try to make you drink some Jesus juice. Justin Beiber is promoting some Christian book and has made it a top seller. He’s promoting the book because he heard the guy who wrote it preaching and it sounded really good, and no one is making allegations that the guy had sex with any kids, so it might not be all bad. Some guy called in to say that Selena Gomez is blabbing about Beiber having a small dick, and it could be true, but if it was that bad she wouldn’t have kept clinging when people started saying he was fucking Rhianna. Vivid videos burnt down, so there’s a lot of porn that we’re never gonna get a second printing of. Luckily, the guy who runs Vivid owns ALL of the celebrity sex tapes in known existence, and they were in a safe when it happened, so the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is safe for future generations. There may be some other sex tapes that we haven’t heard of yet, but they’re all in good hands. Some guy from one of the Twilight movies got drunk and pissed on the floor in the middle of an airport somewhere, and he’s finally been sentenced to some community service and a bunch of AA meetings like any of us would. He had to get on twitter and confirm that he did not get caught getting a blowjob from a tranny while smoking meth. Janet Jackson is married again, to a Qatari billionaire. Why? Well, if the Jackson family did things that made sense, we wouldn’t have had Michael and the Neverland ranch. But apparently, the guy she’s marrying roped one above his level, so shout out to that dude. Lindsay Lohan is pretty much immortal to the point of not being worth mentioning anymore. But you’ll be able to buy silkscreened patches of her face at Hot Topic in a few months so you can be metal as fuck like all the other kids in the mall. Not really news, but in 1997 the Taliban was pissed at Leonardo DiCaprio’s haircut in the movie Titanic. See why there needs to be a separation of church and state? Do you fucking get it? DO YOU?!??!! But hey, when our society dissolves due to slightly feathered haircuts styled impeccably after the greatest young icon of our time, I will totally let you snort meth off the ridge under my foreskin while I’m shitting in your mom’s mouth.
Some guy got pulled over for driving while brown, and police said they smelled marijuana. After being arrested for absolutely no reason, while having his cavities searched at the county jail the police found 100 bags of heroin in his ass. So, sometimes racial profiling isn’t as bad as we make it sound, I guess. This segued perfectly into New Music Tuesday!!! Which basically means I started trying to build a time machine to go back to 1984 to abort myself. Before that though, the guys got to talking about whether or not anything in recent music releases would ever become timeless. Personally? I fucking hope not. Then again, if you don’t pay attention to history, you’re doomed to repeat it, and I don’t want dubstep to happen again when I’m falling apart at the seams in a nursing home someday. Frank Ocean will never write anything that’ll become a classic. Nowhere near the level of the Beatles, or Stevie Wonder, or even the fucking Cranberries for fucks sake. Am I Evil? will always be the riff you can’t deny, and five finger death punch WILL NOT ever top it. All in all, I feel old despite being under thirty. I suppose that’s the real point of this rant. Rawdog tried to argue the point that this stuff will be classic to an entire generation of ungrateful, self absorbed kids. And some guy called in to see if Ellis would go to riot fest. Probably not, but liquid metal does broadcast from there sometimes, so you can enjoy that. And then nugget boy tried to call Ellis and Tully closed minded. Which is a fucking spectacular argument for someone who can’t choke down a strawberry. But hey, it’s not like everybody wasn’t ripping everybody else off before either. So whatever, opinions, assholes, you know the rest. Pffftt.. Fucking Skrillex can suck my dick too. Anyways, after the debate which was actually decent radio, They actually played some music and debated whether or not the guys should become crime fighters. Kinda like the premise of Kick-Ass. Which would be a pretty sweet bunch of YouTube clips. Tully would be a pyromaniac, Tussin Wolf would hide in the shadows and do stealth shit, and of course Ellis would just come in swingin’ and hope for the best. Oh yeah, there was new music after all that as well. None of it peaked my interest, but if you heard it and liked anything they played, go buy it. I’ll be spinning my old Rancid and NOFX 45’s in the corner enjoying the shit out of myself. After all the music there was more music debate, once again, opinions, assholes, your mom’s mouth and so on. But we did hear a gem about MC Hammer doing a music video in some zebra undies next to the pool surrounded by bitches, swinging his barely covered dick ‘n’ balls at everything dumb enough to wander too close to him. Can’t really argue with his flow, he was kinda timeless………ya can’t touch this…..
After the NMT debacle, the guys came back with a wonderful story about the alligator penis. Before now, little was known about the alligator cock, but science has now finally got around to inspecting one and found that they have a permanent boner!!! One more reason the alligator is always gonna be a timelessly scary animal. Not like that shithead Frank Ocean. And next time Rawdog loses a bet, he’s probably gonna have to blow an alligator or get the living shit kicked out of him. This of course segued into Ellis Jeopardy: The movie edition!!! Hilarious as always because of the clues that Ellis gives and how hard the guys have to try to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. The intern lost pretty fucking badly this time around, but he did get a chance to tell us a few of the shitty jokes from his soon to be failed stand up comedy act. India has some pretty interesting people to vote for this election, including Frankenstein and Adolf Hitler!!! I wish this was a joke, but seriously, these are the names of actual people who are running for office in India right now. Mickey Rourke just guest starred on the Ultimate Fighter, and god damn his face is in bad shape after years of cocaine, booze and facelifts. He’s still an awesome actor, but he’s been having a hard time getting good roles lately. And that was all the boys had time for because Tony Hawk was live today. In my years of travel and search of knowledge, I’ve learned some truly useful things about human nature. Most importantly, when life gives you lemons, put them in a big ziplock bag with a bunch of ground beef, piss, strawberries, and whatever else you feel like, put that in an old steel ammo can, bury it in the backyard for a few weeks, and the next time somebody pisses you off, dig it up and throw the bag at that asshole’s front door out the window of your car. That stink isn’t gonna wash off for at least a month and everyone who comes in the house is gonna be pissed they live there. Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,