Lemme just preface this recap by saying I hate the general public, with the fucking FURY OF A THOUSAND ZEUSES!!! But, I have wonderful afternoon radio to prevent my slow descent into madness. That said, Hi and thanks for stopping in, I love you guys like Rawdog loves Nuggets. Anyway, after eleven minutes of multi-crescendo techno jams, Ellis started the show talking about how it’s probably not easy to be a sailor. He is a man of many talents, but even he has doubts about his own nautical skills. Plus there’s almost as much butt fucking going on in the ocean as there is in prison, so if that’s not your thing, you may want to just avoid boats in general. Rawdog had to chime in to let us know that sailing is good for old people, so when Ellis gets old he’s got a possible fall back hobby for those golden years. Jason started toying with the idea of putting the show on a boat and taking a trip around the world with it. Jason also mentioned Brazil and only getting blowjobs cause shit is sketchy down there right now. This led to some talk about how people are being really irresponsible when it comes to condoms, AIDS and herpes and annoying little bastard kids and all the other bad results, and it seems like folks in general could use a refresher as to why it’s a good idea to keep that thing wrapped up unless you really don’t want to enjoy the rest of your life. And don’t trust the pill either cause, well, women are the ones responsible for taking it and, I mean, women… am I right? Gotta be careful with the pull out method too, cause you might be enjoying yourself more than you realize and you’ll be right in that pre-cum zone, and before you know it that aggressive 7 you pulled down at the dive bar around the corner from your buddy’s house has got her hooks in you for the next 18 Christmases. Rude Jude had to chime in to give his own personal spin on this whole thing, basically he’s way more worried about making another kid than getting AIDS, but he totally endorses more titty fucking. Seriously though, the mental weight of all the unplanned pregnancies he may or may not have taken part in can get really hard to power through, so he wraps his tool. And you can always get blowjobs and be really smart where you aim it so you don’t have any surprises. Jude also had some inside info about all the gold digging hoes that fuck football players and do crazy shit poking holes in condoms and recycling loads with turkey basters and shit. Rawdog had to let Jude know about his adventures titty fucking and shooting a load in a porn stars mouth over the weekend and got his due congratulations for it. Remember folks, be friendly to titties and it can pay off. Our old friend Emily from SD got a shout out on air for posing the question “If men don’t like who they are fucking, then why the fuck are they fucking them?” This led to some good conversation from the guys about how it’s totally possible to like someone without wanting to perpetuate the species with them, and how we men are constantly at war with the things our dick tries to make us do. A few guys called in to talk about times that they have been irresponsible with their dicks and might have gotten people knocked up or had some entrapment pulled on them. The best advice the guys could come up with is to always ask your new fuck doll where she wants it before it’s too late and you’re at a home birthing class surrounded by patchoulie snorting hipsters who refuse to wear any shoes that aren’t completely vegan. Then again, would you let that kind of entrapment happen if it was a hot ass famous celebrity, just to feed your own dreams? You wouldn’t be the first person to go through with that plan (COUGH COUGH Brangelina COUGH Ashton and Demi COUGH COUGH COUGH) and it’s not the worst plan if you really want to be on TMZ. Rawdog read a tweet from the real Scott Stapp from the band creed that he wouldbe answering questions if you use the hashtag #AskScottStapp on twitter. The guys spent a few minutes coming up with the best they could, some of the gems were “Why won’t you die?” “Where’s your god now?” “Have you ever listened to Alice In Chains?” “I heard Creed got back together, why are you doing this to us?” and a few other decent ones. The questions from all us fans on twitter had a few gems as well. Then Tully happened on the sex tape that got released in 2006 of Scott Stapp getting blown on a tour bus with Kid Rock back in 1999. And since none of us want to see that, lets break for some MACHINE FUCKING HEAD!!!

So, Dom is kind of a tard, but in the really lovable way. Rawdog was supposed to do moon news, but the Dom Ass news button was the only one they could find. But fuck it, Doug Benson is here to rap with us about stuff. But definitely not about the moon, although he smokes enough weed that he’s probably visited the moon once or twice. But more importantly, we’ve finally got an answer about that little 6 inch skeleton Beavis they found in south America. Turns out, it was an 8 year old child that was also the smallest human being to ever survive outside the womb. Of course, since midgets live in dog years, eight is like 63, so that little dude definitely got some shit accomplished in his years. This sparked a debate over whether or not this falls into the category of Moon News or Dead Baby News. Rawdog thinks it’s moon news cause everyone thought it was an alien, and Jason says it’s dead baby news because even if it is an alien, it’s a dead baby alien. Anyways, on to more important things, like Doug Benson! I’m sure he didn’t come on the show to hear some bullshit about a six inch sperm cell that got dug up in the amazon. The guys talked TV and movie pitches for a while. It was a good brainstorming session for some old ideas that Ellis had, like Steve Deadload now being six inches tall. Doug also has a podcast that was previously postponed but is now back in the works, so if you’ve got the time go check it out.  They talked celebrity status for a bit and Doug said he definitely knows some people who have probably blown him off just cause of how famous they are, but that he’s getting to the point where he’s got a few people he can pass that along to when he feels like it. And then, Rawdog came to slap his nuts all over the show’s titties and had to do our favorite segment in the world NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! WITH SPECIAL NON MUSICAL GUEST DOUG BENSON!!! AND NO, HE’S NOT GONNA SHARE A BONG RIP WITH YOU RAWDOG, AND YES, IT’S BECAUSE OF NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! So anyway, first up we heard the new single from Big B, with a little assistance from Pink and Butch Walker, and it definitely fits his style nicely, if you’re into what he puts out, then go grab the new album. After that was the new one from Rod Stewart and folks, I gotta tell you, it was *sigh* hard to deal with if you liked the song Maggie May. Next up was a mixtape from Chance the Rapper, it was not the worst I’ve heard from this genre of music, and considering the amount of shitty rap I’ve heard, that’s actually pretty good. Next, we heard Lauryn Hill’s desperate cry to not get arrested for tax evasion and if you’ve always been a fan then I’m not gonna change your mind with anything I have to say. After that we were treated to Beyonce and Andre 3000 doing a cover of An Amy Winehouse song for the Great Gatsby soundtrack, and it made me want to take lots and lots and lots of heroin and have no phone, ever again, while I sit in a cold bathtub reliving all of my issues with everyone at my elementary school who made me hate my childhood. Next up was a new country jam from The Pistol Annies and like most country music, I did my best to tune out so that I don’t support anything the white devil creates. After that we got to hear The Hackson Clone (spell check, or don’t, I don’t care and Rawdog has a speech impediment, so whatever) and it was another of the normal ambient noise based electronic waking comas that Tussin Wolf likes to have going in the background when he’s titty fucking a Rubenesque porn star. After that we got a blast from the past from the boys in 98 Degrees, reminding us all why we didn’t get any action if you went to junior high near the end of the nineties cause all the bitches were all about the boy bands that would never be available to truly satisfy them. The new single from Savages was the next track we heard, and they wrote a kind of catchy punk song about porn star Belladonna, and all the degrading sexual adventures we would all like to have with her, and being a bit of a punk rocker myself, it was pretty catchy. Next we got a taste of the new one from Joe Satriani, and even though Howie Mandel straight ganked his style from day one, Satch is still the fucking boss when it comes to 80’s styled, solo based guitar instrumentals. After that we heard the new single from the metal bad Sodom, and no it wasn’t about anal sex, but it was the kind of music you could certainly have rough sex to while sacrificing a goat to our lord and master, the one known as Beelzebub, his holy darkness Satan. Next we heard the new one from Talib Kwele, and it’s definitely right along the same lines as the stuff he’s released in the past, and that’s not a bad thing, so try a couple more tracks from him and enjoy the tasty grooves. Last but not least, we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week by Mikal Cronin, which made me want to start another instagram account just so I can join in with #ShitStainSaturday with all the other cool kids. At this point, Ellis had to step in and let Rawdog know that he missed one very important new release from the band Silverchair, and that this mistake is pretty much equal in offensiveness to walking into an NAACP meeting in full KKK gear. Luckily, Jason had it on his phone to play for all of us, and as cool as Australia sounds to me, I can’t necessarily stand behind every product that comes out of that country, so there you go. Despite all the fine musical achievements we heard today, Rawdog let us know that this was a tough week for new music, there was so much of it to choose from that he had to cut almost ten songs from the segment today, including Silverchair and She And Him, y’know, Zooey Deschanel’s band. We got a clip of it, and it sounds like she’s just trying to keep proving to all of us that she can make anything a total hipster move if she puts her mind to it. Then, everybody on twitter clued Rawdog in to the fact that that “New” song from Silverchair is actually seven years old, and Rawdog totally fell for it, but the real joke is on Jason, cause he only downloaded it after seeing a tweet from Mark McGrath saying what an awesome tune it was. Thus ends another New Music Tuesday, now for the love of Christ, please play me something I already know I like, that I don’t need to adjust to with the changing of the times, like some Guns and Roses. Yeah, rocket queen, that’s what I want to hear…

Oh fuck me twice like it ain’t gonna hurt either time, it’s HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Jah Rule was in jail, for illegal weapons possession and tax evasion, like so many rappers these days, but just got out, so hopefully he can keep that streak going. Patrick Schwarzenegger got kicked out of a club and then threatened to kick the shit out of the DJ, biggest problem is he’s only 19 and shouldn’t have been at the club in the first place. Kobe Bryant and his mom are suing each other cause she sold a bunch of his old shit so that she could buy a new house, and now he’s saying she actually came and flat out stole shit from him too. Liam Gallagher from the band Oasis (remember them?) almost died from eating a blue M&M, which put him in to an allergic shock due to a previously undiagnosed peanut allergy. Lauryn Hill, who we heard earlier on new music tuesday, is going to jail for tax evasion, and also seems to think that being a musical success is no different than her great great great grandparents experience as slaves. Mick Mars got knocked over on stage, like a BIOTCH but people came and helped him up. Someone attacked Justin Bieber on stage in Dubai, and I want to buy that dude a beer. Bieber also made a lot of Turkish fans happy by stopping the show twice to observe regular Muslim prayer sessions. The Rolling Stones are gonna be doing their 50th anniversary tour, but they’re having trouble selling tickets cause they charge too god damn much, and it’s getting so bad that they might have to renegotiate how much money they demand for making appearances, cause y’know, things are tough all over, and the Stones can certainly do their part to stop being self righteous greedy assholes. Led Zeppelin got back together for the super storm Sandy benefit concert, but what’s really awesome is that they got back together because Bill Clinton asked them personally. One of the producers of Notorious B.I.G.s album “Ready To Die” got caught picking up a man hooker in a parking lot, but the guy he picked up turned out to be an undercover cop. Dr. Drew is putting a stop to Celebrity rehab because people are blaming him for other people who are already drug addicts before he’s even met them or had anything to do with them. Lindsay Lohan is trying to find a way to keep her Adderall while she’s in rehab, but the man isn’t so sure she needs it. Joe Francis, the guy who started girls gone wild, if you’ll remember he got arrested in 2011 for assault and he’s finally gotten convicted of it and will be going to jail. Jake Ellenberger was trying to come in to the studio, but either it’s way more hidden than us fans realize or Dom doesn’t know how to lead anyone in to the parking lot. The guys took a break to get it sorted out cause it’s always nice to have new friends of the show stop by to introduce themselves to the fans.

SHARK NEWS!!! Some 16 year old kid in Florida got attacked by an adult bull shark cause he was dumb enough to go in the water. And his asshole friends went back to the same spot to keep surfing after the ambulance hauled him off. But fuck Florida, Jake Ellenberger came on the show today to talk MMA and bullshit with the guys for a while. Jake is also into moto, so him and Jason click pretty well. The guys talked training for a bit, Jason is just getting back into it after Jake’s recommendation to go to Gracie Jiu Jitsu. Ellis wants to get in fighting shape, at least well enough to convince Jake to take a fight with him (possibly the next EllisMania or the one after?). Jake has been fighting for years, seeing as he has a twin brother and the two of them are both fans of the sport. Jake talked for a while about his quest for a GSP’s belt, and how it’s totally worth it if he gets brain damage along the way. Jason and Jake talked strategy in the ring and about how Ariel Helwani is only so-so at his job cause he’s gotta be all TV friendly when you ask a guy “God Damn, you got the shit kicked out of you, how fucked up does your head feel after all that shit you were talking?” Jake says that Ellis is probably better for the job cause he doesn’t have to really hold his tongue for anybody. They talked about how some people in the UFC may be good folks but still kind of need to get the living fuck beaten out of them. Jake of course had to take a turn with the punch meter and scored right above Tully and dead even with Bert McCracken and Herpes Stroke Face. Of course, after the official score, he took a fourth shot and scored right under Jason, locking his new number in at second place. Jason and Jake talked fighting and MMA bro stuff a little while longer and seemed to get along great, so good on ya boys. Ellis held out an olive branch by offering to get on twitter and destroying whoever might be putting a damper on Jake’s day. While Jake scrolled through his phone book to see who he wanted to fuck with, Tully found a story about a guy who had a runny nose for a solid year and it turned out that he’s leaking fluid out of brain, which is metal as fuck, but really not good for you. Jake couldn’t find anybody who deserved any online wrath from Ellis, but Jake did float the idea that He might buy a Mega boat one day after he gets the built and gets rid of his Nissan Frontier. Of course, the guys had to ask in advance if they could borrow it for the remake of Big Fucking Mega Boat. Rawdog found a story of some guy that was denied entry to the U.K. because he had no arms so he couldn’t provide a fingerprint to a customs agent. Somehow, this spiraled in to talk about making human projectiles with speedboats. Then there was talk of vigilante crime fighting. Then it all came back to what the fuck is up with that dude with no arms and why he shouldn’t need to provide a fingerprint, cause really, you’re easy to spot in a crowd and cause pretty much anyone can take you in a fight. Ellis talked to Dana White a few days ago and was able to confirm that they are definitely still bros. Jason asked for a little help getting fighters to come on the show and without skipping a beat, Dana had people calling Ellis to set shit up, so shout out to that dude. After that we got final calls, so like most days not the best thing to listen to, but considering some previous final call sessions it was not the worst day ever to round out all four hours of fucktarded brilliance that makes up most of the show.

In my younger days, I was always searching for more meaning in my day to day life. It seemed to me that there had to be some greater purpose for me. So one day, I asked a couple friends if they had any ideas about this, and one of them said “I hear that bitch ‘Trina gives good head, how do we make some money off that?” And in that moment I knew, I was born to be a stone cold P.I.M.P.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

What a glorious day to be alive! The sun is shining, I bought comic books over the weekend, and my balls are as smooth as eggs. How’s your day going? Great, fuck you and shut up, it’s recap time. Today’s show started with Jason asking the question “Was your day real?” I’m pretty sure mine was, a customer brought us pastries and they were delicious, so it must have been real. Tully and Rawdog talked a little bit about dreams and Tully has had stress dreams about doing the show in different places and everything starts going wrong. He also had a dream where Courtney Love took over the show for an hour, and that kinda sounds like it would be worth a listen. Knowing what we know about her though, chances are slim that she could pull it off or even show up on time. Jason tried to run Rawdog down in his truck just because, and the dog didn’t even realize it was him. It took two murder attempts and finally Jason yelling at him before he would look up and get the joke. Tully has noticed that nerds are making a pretty big, ummm, hard to say come back, but something kind of like that. It all comes down to being able to do stuff with your brain and how it’s easier to be successful with a computer than it is by tearing your back up at a factory job all your life. Some of them though, are still those creepy guys with way too much acne who live in their mom’s basement and have way more friends that they’ve never actually met face to face than people who get out and do shit like the rest of us. Rawdog used the word “rend” when talking about tearing his shirt off and this prompted Jason to start reading some of the random shit people were tweeting at him and someone on twitter used it in a sentence too. Yay, we’re smart like The Illusionist! Anyway, our old pal Rude Jude stopped by to tell us about all his gay friends with AIDS. They’re in great shape, and apparently there’s all kinds of salon medications for AIDS patients who are having side effects from the AIDS medication. Rawdog went to a party full of gay dudes and had a bit too much to drink and may or may not have gotten molested, but Jude took it to the next level and roofied himself over the weekend. Sure, it was by accident, but it was a party nonetheless. Rawdog was drinking all day before the homo-fest. This got us to the topic of when gay guys flirt with you even when you’re not trying to get them too. It’s happened to all the guys, Jude even gets bummed if he wanders to the store in a gay district and doesn’t get someone trying to get his number. It’s happened to me too, I’m not ashamed to say it, but the ones who try to get a taste of my chili ring are always way too creepy and some of them may or may not have been prostitutes. They aren’t as friendly up in the bay as they are down in So-Cal. All the talk of Rawdog being a massive vagina uncovered a twee from a lady named Jasmyn who said she wanted to rend Rawdog’s cock, and the boys started pushing him to go get a piece (If it’s the Jasmyn I’m thinking of, I fully support this decision too). Jason told us a couple tidbits about how his TV show pitch went yesterday, the guy he talked to is a huge fan of the radio show and that could very well work in Ellis’ favor. Jason still has some unused vacation time that he’s gotta use before it expires and he isn’t sure what he wants to use it for, but he might go to one of those never ending waves that they have at water parks and finally learn how to kind of surf just well enough to go surf someplace that has a reef out in the real world. The guys talked a bit about how funny it would be to try and be a local at the eternal wave and walk to the front of the line every time and kick junior high kids out for no reason at all. Basically, it would be nice to be an asshole surfer dude for a few days just for shits and giggles. And yes, surfers are assholes, nothing like moto guys at all, they’re cool as fuck. Jude finally caught a look at the Jew-manji jar to see what that was all about and promised that he would never make fun of Rawdog’s religion, just his many basic failings at life in general. Jason found a new place to take his dogs, only problem is it’s covered in dog shit because people in Hollywood got no respect for public spaces. And parking there is a mother fucker too. And homeless people shit there after dark. Fuck homeless people, we don’t make you who you are or make you shit where you shit. Maybe we don’t want you to be living in our pristine subway stations just as much as you don’t want to be living in them. Or, you know we could all try and help our fellow human beings or something, but that just wouldn’t be American, so fuck it.

So, there’s been a bunch of bands getting back together this year, and probably the most important one of all is Neutral Milk Hotel!!! I know Rawdog was masturbating furiously when he heard the news on Facebook. Also, some Swedish senior citizen couple got arrested for harassment cause they were blasting Iron Maiden at 4 in the morning. That’s the kind of walking dessicated corpse I want to be someday.

Lemme take a second in the middle of this recap to say that I was listening on a very serious delay from having a really busy afternoon at work, and had to pause the show yet again to answer a call from my favorite phone number ever, area code nine 5 four, nine too oh, nine 9 six oh, (I wholeheartedly invite anyone who has some free time to please call and make these people’s lives a living  hell). This number is from a company that has been harassing my shop pretty much every day for the last month and a half to buy a god damn OSHA compliance poster to hang in the bathroom. Now, it should be said that any asshole can go to Costco and buy one of these for about $5, and you’ll have it right there, and you don’t have to wait for it in the mail or pay the most ridiculous markup for a piece of paper that you’ve ever heard of. Let me also say that I was polite the first 20 or so times I told them not to call back. Then, I was very firm about telling them not to call back. Then I filed a complaint with the FCC, and let them know that the next few times they called. But yesterday, I had an idea straight from the Jason Ellis show. Masking my voice as that of Dom’s character “The Drifter” I would answer as a creepy masturbating man whenever I saw that number from now on. Well folks, guess who called this afternoon? Right from the word “Hello” I could already tell the lady on the other end of the phone was a little bit rattled. She responded to me “Hello?” I said “Yes?” she asked “Is this a business?” to which I replied “No” all three words said in the same gravelly, I-might-try-and-have-sex-with-your-corpse, hey-kid-you-wanna-earn-five-bucks-the-hard-way, I’m-gonna-cum-on-your-shiiiiittttt drifter voice that Dom has recently become known for, and son of a mother fucking whore, the bitch hung up, and not only did she hang up but she sounded like she got the fear of god put in her. I may be reading too much into the whole conversation, sure, but it felt wonderful, so to the Jason Ellis show and crew, I say thank you for the inspiration. I’ll be sure to report back if anything new develops in this coming venture of fucking with telemarketers. Anyhow…

IT’S NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! Hope you got your butt hole greased up proper, cause we’re about to start pounding that ass like we’re making pesto sauce, mother fuckers. First up we heard the new single from Pop Evil, after about ten minutes of Jason telling Thomas Hayden Church that he couldn’t jump on board with all of his music picks, called Trenches and it was like Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit had angry butt sex and gave birth to a living turd baby. After that was the newest one from LL Cool J featuring Travis Barker and Eddie Van Halen and it wasn’t the worst rap rock crossover I’ve ever heard, but still made me want to tell LL to get these balls. After that we heard Icona Pop and it made my dick and balls shrivel up and hide because this is the number 4 song in the world, and they don’t want to be here anymore. Up next was the Melvins bringing us an all covers album, and it’s nice to see that not all the old punks have given up the ghost just yet. After that was the new one from Kenny Chesney, and if you’ve heard me talk about country music, you probably know what I’m gonna say next. Next we got the newest one from Iggy and the Stooges doing their own little reunion record, and even though Iggy Pop is the risen specter of evil, the new album claims that he is in fact ready to die. That Kind of sucks, personally, I like Iggy Pop. After them we heard a band called Amorphous doing some more of that slow building epic orchestrated metal intro with a massively montage worthy riff and half growling half choir boy vocals, so nothing we haven’t heard before really. Next on the chopping block was H.I.M. which is in my opinion one of the shittiest bands around, but I gave this new single a shot and it was just as bad as I remember, but would be great victory music for the next Rocky sequel. We heard the new one from Ch-Ch-Ch which as far as I’m concerned is not a band, it’s a shitty experiment like Chumbawumba (and for all I know, it could be their side project) and it was ignored, and rightfully so. Deep Purple dropped a new album, and as much as we’re all glad they’re not dead, the feeling may have left the band. After that we heard some guy named Hani El Katib (spell check that, cause I have no idea if it’s even close) it sounded like a pretty good rip off of something by Beck, but nothing I would go out of my way to hear again. Next was Coliseum with some more of that wonderful new hard rock that most people would like to just fuck off into oblivion, but with a modern alternative vocal track that made it just that little bit worse. Finally we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week which was not thew worst thing I’ve ever heard, but not worth advertising the name of the band, especially because I didn’t hear what he said it was. This brought up a great question from Tully: how much money would it take for Ellis to go to Coachella, for the whole weekend, only on 40 year old dude drugs and no banging chicks while bands are playing, you gotta stay and hear the bands? $500 a day, which sounds pretty fair, really, cause a ticket for all the shit that whole weekend is about the same price. We got to hear a little more about the time Ellis had pitching TV shows yesterday. He’s feeling good about it, but at the same time he’s a little wary just because there’s so many people doing it, and they’re probably way better at it and until there’s a good firm yes he’s not gonna get too over hyped on what the outcome is going to be. Hopefully it happens, cause there’s definitely some absolute shite on TV and if your gonna waste time in front of the idiot box, there’s ways you can do it that are actually kind of good. Tully gave some of his experience dealing with TV guys and trying to get picked up to work on a show and all the many ins and outs of it and it sounds like it could be fun for some people, and definitely great for your ego when some shithead producer’s assistant makes him drop everything to take a conference call with you. Sounds like the only gripe anybody had with Ellis’ show is that there’s a bit too much porn happening, and I’m sure some fans would agree, but it’s basically cause nobody wants to be on the radio so those are most of the guests that we end up with. Blame the fact that it’s kind of a dying medium, but we as fans can always bring it back by continuing to listen. Some Canadian called in to help Ellis get better at pitching himself to all the beady eyed mole people in the caves of the great white north. Basically, the best plan you could have would be to shoot a pilot first before you pitch it, cause, god damn, everybody’s got the free time and resources to make that happen. Got a few more calls on what to do to make a TV show work out, and some other shit like that. All in all, it sounds like Jason isn’t giving up on it, so keep those remotes handy for when it might hit your screen.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS! As if we haven’t heard enough about the place. Jason Collins is an NBA player who wrote an article for Sports Illustrated to let everyone know he’s gay. Good for the gays, they should be allowed to play sports if they want, it doesn’t make a god damn difference as long as they keep winning, right? This got into a lot of reasonably intelligent conversation about what the future holds as gay people are more accepted in society. The best question posed though, was by Rawdog. He asked us, what if men were the ones who could get pregnant and not women, but you still had to fuck another dude to make children, what would you do? Jason says he’d ro-sham-bo Sluggo on who’s having the kid, but he’d keep a girlfriend on the side. Then we got a call from Gretchen Sheckler, that’s right, Ryan Sheckler’s mom! It’s been a while since we heard from the Sheckler family, and Jason is going to be hanging out with them over the weekend for the annual Scheckler foundation skate contest. Gretchen called in just to let everybody know the event was going down, and that the sponsors have made a lot of good donations and it’s gonna be an awesome time for everyone involved and it’s all for a good cause. check out schecklerfoundation.org to get all the details, and if you’re in the area go on down and show some support and see some awesome skating. Back to Hollywood news, Ireland Baldwin, Alec’s daughter has been trying to get out from under the nasty comments her dad made about her on the news years ago. We got some more calls on the whole gay thing, some pro, some con, long story short it’s one of those issues that’s probably beating a dead horse for some folks, could be the most important thing ever for others. Had some more good insight on the topic from a few callers, sounded like a good session of brainstorming for how to be nice to our fellow gay human beings.

So, UFC 159 was this past weekend. Ellis was sick as a dog, so he chugged some sizzurp and conked out all the way through until right before the fights. Plus he had shit to move to his new house over the weekend, so it’s not like it was a totally wasted weekend. Tully remembered way back before EllisMania 5 when he was sparring with Benji one day and his vision started going black and he needed to go get antibiotics. More importantly though, the results from the Jones/Sonnen fight and more importantly than that, the bet that Ellis and Rawdog made about who’s getting a chicken with Rawdog’s head on their ass, or who’s gonna do a massive MMA gauntlet. Of course, not before talking more UFC, and a little bit of moto talk, and even a call from Thomas Hayden Church. THC called in to back up some of his music suggestions, and defend all the shit that Jason and Rawdog WEREN’T talking about his new movie, and more than likely just to give him shit as all good friends do from time to time. It’s always nice to hear from the Church of Hayden, he’s always been a good dude as far as I can tell. Well, Rawdog lost the bet and he had to go through a series of challenges including (but not limited to) waiting until tomorrow afternoon because they spent too much time bullshitting about UFC and moto and reconnecting with that one guy from SIDEWAYS and SPIDER MAN and even a few LESSER KNOWN NATIONAL LAMPOON TITLES and also SOME COMEDY HORROR MOVIE I SAW THAT I DON’T REMEMBER THE NAME OF WHERE HE’S A HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER WHO’S ALSO SERIAL KILLING HIS STUDENTS. So, instead of Rawdog’s death from exhaustion, we got to hear Tila Tequila spout off a bunch of shit about how she can make energy balls or some complete load of crap, whatever the hell she’s up to today when she’s not getting booed off stage at a gathering of the Juggalos.

There’s been many times when I needed advice, and I always turned to my history teacher Mr. Salem for those really tough problems. One day, I asked him “Hey, what happens when we die?” and he told me “Well, if it happens in my neighborhood your body’s gonna get sent to the county cemetery with no shoes, no wallet and all your gold fillings are gonna be gone. The streets is a mother fucker.” And from that day on, I always made sure to check what colors I’m wearing depending on what neighborhood I was going to be in. Never know who’s gonna need a size ten and a few dollars for lunch.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

Good afternoon, ya bunch of fuckin’ wankers! Come ‘ere and give daddy some sugar, right on the bell end!!! But seriously folks, we need to start selling crack. Crack may have been whack when Whitney Houston was doing it, but it’s time has come again. At least according to Ellis, who will be moving into his sweet new pad on Sunset Blvd. real soon, where he also plans to sell crack. And of course Tully has an awesome story about being robbed by a crackhead who then took their money to buy crack and then made him and his friends cover him from prying eyes while he proceeded to smoke the aforementioned crack. YAY CRACK!!! But more importantly, make sure your mom stops to get me some Brillo and baking soda on the way home. The guys are working on more new Death!Death!Die! songs, and of course after hearing Cunt Kicker on Friday, my dick is definitely hard. Of course, we can’t have a talk about crack without Rude Jude stopping by. The guys talked music and rapping and the upcoming hit single Jack The Cunt that the guys are currently working on. Jude surprisingly admitted that from time to time he will do some karaoke and one of his normal numbers is a Janis Joplin track, and that he can sing the fuck out of some country. Of course, we absolutely needed to hear this, and Jude belted out a vocal track that rivaled the original level of drugged out bluesy fucktardery that Janis gave us 40-plus years ago. The guys had to rehash the basketball game they had last week to Jude and how Will Pendarvis blew his knee-pussy out without leaving the ground. Of course, Jude offered to buy any of Will’s unused painkillers. Ellis called Everlast to double check if he would still be a part of the new Death!Death!Die! album and set up an afternoon to go to the gun range together. Everlast has a new baby, so he understands Jason’s hectic schedule and has vowed to lay some sweet vocals to round out the magnificent project that the new album will be. At this point Jude was graciously released from the album, but still may be a part of it on some shitty karaoke level or another. Maybe as a hype man and groupie control specialist. .We got to hear some great stories about Andy Milonakis being a slobbering pothead from way back  in the day even though he has that Webster disease that makes him look like a high school freshman even though he’s creeping up on 40. And Ellis leaked that he’s gonna be coming on the show this afternoon!!! So that’ll be awesome. Jude was still surprised that the crew played basketball and had to quiz Rawdog on what he knew about it, and of course being Rawdog, he didn’t know shit even though he was an avid basketball fan before. But of course, Rawdog does have his own knowledge base on all kinds of things, like fancy soda. Of course, this was a whole new debate about whether or not celery soda tastes exactly like 7Up or if Rawdog’s hatred of vegetables is why he doesn’t like the taste of celery soda. The guys started giving Josh shit cause he doesn’t broaden his horizons and it got to the topic of how often and to what the dog jerks off to. Tully had to jump in and give a nice description of all the porn he’s been watching since his wife has been out of town and how ropes of jism are streaming from the rafters in his house. Rawdog still didn’t give up the particulars of what he spanks with, but Jude sure did and it all sounded like a good reason for me to make a couple stops on the way home from work today. Jason chimed in that porn is barely even worth breaking out the lotion anymore, because it’s on his TV pretty much all the time and him and Katie have pretty much just become film critics of the adult genre, unless UFC or supercross is on. This all turned into the guys giving Rawdog shit because he tries to keep stuff to himself a little too often and he gets all stubborn and defensive. It can fill a few good minutes of radio, but it does get old to listen to. He gave up a little bit of what his normal rub and tug material is, and it kinda sounds like he’s using a copy of “People” magazine and his old college yearbook. Josh finally admitted that he’s been kinda stalking all the many faces of Facebook that he may or may not have known, and said that he didn’t want to cop to it cause even he feels a little creepy about it. But really, it’s not that creepy. I mean, there’s porn with people eating shit. Trust me, Rawdog, you’re not nearly as weird as you think. The guys had to admit a bunch of other odd facts just to make him feel more comfortable, like how Jude can’t fire off a load from a blow job unless it’s in a dangerous situation, but it’s because he doesn’t feel right about it if the girl doesn’t cum as much or more than he does. And how Jason might finish quicker than normal with a random lady he doesn’t know that well, but if she’s really freaky he can get back up for a second round just as fast. But they didn’t want Rawdog to feel bad about any of it, cause he has years and years of built up sexual rage that he’s gonna unleash all over someone’s uterus in the most disrespectful and torturous way possible, and they’re all pulling for him. Knowing how much of an awkward late blooming mother fucker I have been, I fully endorse Rawdog getting shitfaced on all the free Mangria that Adam Carolla sent in and using the empty bottle on a lady of questionable moral character while she says creepy anti-semetic shit and acts out all her daddy issues in a rilakuma costume on Rawdog’s living room floor. Just don’t forget to lay a tarp down, Tussin Wolf. You could void your security deposit really quickly engaging in these kinds of activities.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS TIME BITCHES!!! And it’s a fucking Rip Snorter today! Justin Bieber used to have a monkey, but not in the creepy erotic way that Michael Jackson did, but customs in Germany seized it cause he didn’t have the right papers to take it on a plane. Will.I.Am can go fuck himself twice with a broken stick, but he’s also a fucking ripoff artist and has been called out and admitted to it. Ben Affleck BREAKING FUCKING NEWS JASON ELLIS OFFICIALLY LIVES IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN but back to Ben Affleck, he has volunteered to live for five days on $1.50 a day in an effort to raise awareness about world hunger, so good for him. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had to get an emergency hernia surgery after injuries he got during WrestleMania, and Michael Bay apologized for that steaming bucket of shit movie Armageddon, but not for Transformers or any of the other cumshots he left on America’s cinematic face. Leonardo DiCaprio did some shit that I didn’t hear cause I was typing, but he still gets honorable mention. Gwyneth Paltrow is catching some flack because some clothing line she came up with has bikinis for kids and everybody hates her according to Star magazine. Ed Norton is a champ, he got married and had a baby and none of you fuckers heard about it till now. The producer Dom called in on the VIP line with the rapeyest voice I’ve ever heard, it’s like he was decapitating a kid and fucking the throat hole right there on the phone, but more importantly he came up with a game about celebrity superstitions and crazy hobbies. We learned some pretty interesting and bizarre shit about a bunch of our favorite movie stars, like how Jessica Alba made everyone at her baby shower wear some leather bracelet with a prayer on it and making them keep it on until the kid was born, or how Travis Pastrana is the number one pop star in the world and says shit about not fucking people you don’t love, and how Meagan Fox always listens to Brittany Spears when she’s on an airplane cause that’s what keeps it from crashing, or how Axl Rose will never play a concert in any city that starts with the letter M, and how Steve Jobs tried an all apple diet to prevent evil spirits or some shit, and that Elvis Presley flew 1800 miles for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a mother fuckin’ BOSS, NIGGA!!! (please excuse the N-bomb, but in a situation like that I really could not help myself) And that Leonardo DiCaprio got outbid on a dinosaur skull by about $276,000 by Nicholas Cage. And Gwyneth Paltrow is even more of a bitch cause she doesn’t let her kids watch TV in english. And Sisqo is convinced that wearing a hat onstage will garauntee your success in the music industry. And former president Ronald Reagan didn’t eat a tomato for 70 years, but how would he even remember if he had, right? Also, Liam Neeson is a big fan of fly fishing. Snooki produces shitty music on her computer. Angelina Jolie collects first edition books and daggers and probably uses one or the other during sex. And Justin Bieber is a big fan of solving rubix cubes fast as fuck. Finally, we learned that Johnny Depp plays with barbie dolls and probably doesn’t have an unmarked white van parked outside your kids school right now. Shout out to Dom’s creepy drifter voice, it really did make the bit. Especially when he started saying things like “Your so close” and then “God no, you fucking people.” The back and forth was epic, if you know anybody who was recording it, have them send you a copy. It’s worth a second listen.

So, we all know that Nordic ladies are pretty easy to stare at, but in Sweden, they’re kind of assholes, cause a modelling agency was sending talent scouts to hang out around an eating disorder clinic to pick up new talent. So yeah, fuck those guys. This got the guys talking about how it’s nice to have a lady who is a good healthy weight, and that women who are too beautiful basically get conditioned by society to be raging cunts. But what’s really important is, Dingo dropped by with Andy Milonakis to talk shop and be a couple awesome mother fuckers for our amusement. Andy is a comedian, he used to have a show on MTV, did some movies, all around interesting and intelligent guy to listen to. And he’s got that Webster disease where he looks like a high school freshman! I’m not trying to be an asshole about it, it’s just funny to say it to me for some reason. Andy is pretty big into sketch comedy, improv and from time to time does a bit of music too. He also gets wasted and bangs shitloads of bitches from time to time, which is the kind of people who are usually pretty sweet to hang out with. Andy gave the dog a little pep talk about getting laid cause god dammit it’s healthy and it’s great for your self esteem. Andy even volunteered to go out on the town with Ellis and Tumble and even mentioned that there’s a lot of porn stars living in his building, so there’s definitely some angles to work to get Rawdog to dive into the beef pool and never look back. This spawned the idea that Rawdog should do one of those public sketch comedy shows where he walks around in a leather jacket eyeballing all the hoes and spitting mad game and at the end of every episode he get’s two inches from the prize, but something happens and destroys everything he worked for. Could be a winner, at least on the internet. So the guys got to bullshit for a while, talk about Andy’s future projects, the TV show he’s trying to work on with Dirt Nasty and some other guy, and all the things that may or may not be gay, apparently there’s a whole rule book on it. It would have been a perfect time to bring back Dude is it gay, but they didn’t bring it up, even though it would have really been a cherry on top to the whole segment. The guys talked about all the fine bitches they would slam, and whether or not you have a good reason to be scared of tossing a girls salad, general consensus is that if you can’t get your mind past the risk of a girl farting on your tongue, you should probably steer clear. We got to hear a track off of Andy’s newest album and it was a little strange but actually not that bad if you’re into the white boy nerd rap kind of thing. They chatted a bit more, Andy is a cool mother fucker, he’s making good things out of the opportunities he’s got and not trying to fuck anybody else in the process. All in all, a good guest on the show. And I’m sure there was plenty more goodness, but thanks to the awesome worthless shitty technology that is the SiriusXM online player, it skipped me past all of it and wouldn’t let me rewind to hear it again, glad to know my membership is funding really productive projects for those guys. I checked on twitter a bit though, looks like a lot of people were enjoying themselves, so I’ll say that it was a good show.

You know, I wasn’t always the caring, sensitive person I am today, I used to be a hopeless, degenerate, scumbag with no hope for a bright future. But that all changed when I found my personal savior, and to think he was there with me the whole time. I thank him and praise him every day, for through him all things are possible.

That’s right folks,

HAIL SATAN

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

FUCK YEAH!!! It’s Tuesday, ya cunts!!! I hope you got those taxes in on time cause you’re gonna need the money for bail after we’re done partying!!! The Ellis show is gonna party too, all over your face and tits cause that’s how the fuck he rolls. Now, I can’t lie, I had a fucking busy morning and was half way through a pretty delicious burrito when I realized I needed to start writing this, so there’s a few details right at the beginning I missed, but the boys all seem to be in pretty good spirits, so it ain’t gonna be three grown ass men having a pity party all afternoon. Jude stopped by the way he often does on Tuesday, he seems to be having a pretty good time. He couldn’t make it to his show yesterday and got a bunch of shit for it on twitter. And of course, being the consummate professional he is, his answer was “OK, Fuck you.” Basically, he knows how hard he works for Shade45 and doesn’t really need your opinion of his work ethic, or your complaints about having to listen to Lord Sear, AKA StackCheddar. This is about the point he started venting about how StankCheddar is always falling asleep on the air, and breathing like a dying walrus on the mic, and how he’s gonna have a heart attack before his kids are old enough to be out of diapers. And how StraplessCheddar is always late and definitely hasn’t trademarked his name cause he’s irresponsible and if he was chasing you all you’d have to do is climb some stairs and wait him out for like ten minutes until he falls asleep again and then walk past him on your merry way. And how even Rawdog could probably beat ShankGouda at almost any physical activity, if only by way of endurance. And how you’re never gonna change anything unless you really fucking want it. Shout out, Jude, you’re right on all counts. This led to talk of how Lord Sear is probably slowly killing himself and SiriusXM is enabling him like a crackhead’s girlfriend who keeps letting him beat her up when he’s on a bender. OK, maybe not that extreme, but kind of. Do you hate the DMV like I hate the DMV? Well so does Rude Jude and everyone else on the Ellis show. That place is a shithole. But the one in Hollywood that they ll go to apparently has a really awesome fruit stand for while you’re waiting in line. Jude started talking about how to move the line along faster by sweet talking the hideous swamp creatures that work behind the counter at the DMV, and it almost sounds like a good idea, unless you’re a shitty liar, then you may be taken out back and drawn and quartered by the four horsemen of the Department of Motor Vehicles. At this point, Jude had to leave, but he made note that Sear is on fucking watch now, and that his shit ain’t gonna be flying much longer, but it’s all out of love.

“…HOLD ME CLOSER TINY DAAAAANNNNCCCEEEEERRRR…”

I don’t know why, but I can’t help singing along with Elton John. Fucking classic if you ask me. Anyways, after the break we came back to hear that kids these days are fucking idiots. I guess the new big thing is to snort condoms and run them through your mouth like that old mental floss trick the carnival people used to do with a piece of spaghetti. So yeah, say what you want about terrorists or abortions or gay marriage or godlessness, but the world is doomed because we don’t take these kids out back and bust their heads over a rock when their born, like in the old days. But on to more important matters, the guys got a call from Christmas Abbot, the bodybuilding first female pit crew member of NASCAR. The guys got to chat with her about the trials and tribulations of super fast tire changes and lifting heavy shit. Christmas owns her own crossfit gym in Raleigh (not sure which one, there’s a few Raleigh’s). She also got rejected by the US military when she was 18, but then got in later and did some awesome shit for America that had nothing to do with people turning left for 5 and a half hours. The guys had a good back and forth about shit that goes fast, and being fit as a mother fucker and how it’s not always good to start fights with people. And how even in NASCAR, steroids are bad. Especially if you want to remain looking like a girl, which is pretty important sometimes, like when you have a vagina. There was more talk about crossfit, which I’m still not sure what it is so I wasn’t paying too much attention, and how she’s really not the first or only pit crew member in NASCAR that has tits, and how Christmas Abbot is kind of an awesome chick, and she definitely sounds like it. So, shout out. After they got off the phone with Christmas, there was some diet talk about how gluten is the devil’s feces and chefs are mostly assholes, especially at trendy chain restaurants in southern California, and how the only way to know exactly what you’re getting is if you grew it and killed it yourself. And then, it got in to talk of Rawdog unleashing locusts from his pants, and I gotta say that sounds like a great opening line. Just start singing MachineHead’s “Unto the Locust” and whip your dick around while a plague is unleashed from your drawers. Hell, I’d like to see my girlfriend do that, shit would be a game changer. This topic all started because Tully read some news about giant fucking rat sized snails that are slowly but surely rotting away at Florida (Almost like a biblical pestilence against this countries nut sack) and these things are just raising all kinds of hell. Personally, I could give a fuck, cause Florida is a shit hole and we keep getting weird news from them that reduces my faith in humanity on a daily basis, so GO MUTANT FUCKING ASSHOLE SNAILS!!! When they win, I’m guessing the land will be a matter for the snails and the gators to sort out. Gonna be an awesome made for TV movie, I’m sure. This led the guys to start thinking up the super hero team they would start to combat the snails, it was a pretty good brainstorming session, with Rawdog getting fucked up on sleeping pills and walking around in black face smashing shit with a golf club and everybody throwing salt on everything like you were trying to get a tax write off for making it rain on bitches (Remember that story about The Game from a few weeks back? Good, so you get the joke. Let’s move on…) Our illustrious producer Herpes Stroke Face actually called the Florida university department of entomology to get some insight on just how this epidemic is playing out. Basically, the siege has already begun and the fight has been going for about a year and a half. Our future snail masters have been putting up a good fight though, they breed like jack rabbits and can live as long as nine years, and yes, humanity is fucked. But the human resistance is doing their best to stay ahead of the curve, developing new poison baits like BEER!!! Which has been the cause of the rise and downfall of so many people and civilizations, so maybe we just need to party with these snails until everyone is too shitfaced to think clearly and let the cross species bar fight that ensues be the true decider in this situation. However, Ellis and the guys are holding strong to the superhero idea, so maybe we’ll get to see Tussin Wolf live in action breaking shit off in the sidelines wearing a golf suit while Beer man and Snail man handle the whole thing. Some fucking tosser called in to say he would help with baiting the snails by sitting in the middle of the street getting drunk to lure them with the sweet smell of a 24 pack of Natural Ice. More people called in to confirm that Florida is gonna be swallowed up by snail trails in a matter of weeks, and that Beer man and the crew are desperately needed. Hopefully, the boys can get it sorted out.

HOLLYWOOD MOTHER FUCKING NEWS!!! Rumors have been circulating that Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have gotten separated, and recently Ozzy got on Facebook to admit that for the last year and a half he’s been drinking and getting high again, but the last month and a half he’s been staying off it.Him and Sharon are giving each other a little space, but by no means are they getting divorced. Coolio is getting some heat cause he may or may not have pushed his girlfriend to the floor and punched her in the face then brought his other girlfriend home and snatched up his kid, bounced out the house and hit the first girlfriend with his car. It truly is a gangsta’s paradise sometimes. And that’s all of it. Glad that Hollywood is keeping everything mellow this week. However, there is some BREAKING NEWS, Tracy McGready is gonna be wearing number one on whatever new team he signed with, sorry I don’t follow basketball, so I wasn’t paying attention when Rawdog announced the trade earlier. The guys started talking about the new Evil Dead movie for a bit, and how it seems to be the movie that Sam Raimi really wanted to make in the first place. It was a fucking awesome too, and I saw it opening weekend, so I know it was a fucking gore fest and one of the few scary movies that makes my skin crawl. Ellis also responded to a fan email about some of the rape jokes that have been floating around the show lately. He understands that it’s a touchy subject for a lot of people, and that working on the edge of comedy means you’re gonna piss some people off, but he wanted to honestly let everyone know that there’s no justification to make what he said OK, and that he is sorry for any hurt he may have caused because he does appreciate all the fans that have kept him going and wouldn’t ever wish any real harm upon them, especially not in that way because he’s been there himself and it’s the kind of thing that’ll scar a person for life. After that, we had the triumphant return of WORLD’S GREATEST GUITAR RIFFS!!! This is gonna be another one of those opinions and assholes segments, I would probably put together a very different list of greatest riffs and declare my own winner as a three way tie between probably ten or fifteen different songs. However, the guys gave their version and it was entertaining to hear everyone’s opinion of what good music is. There were a few kind of surprising and completely non guitar riffs as well. ‘Twas an epic showdown of some of the best in music from the last four decades. And a bunch of people called in to say that Rawdog was an idiot, and that’s usually pretty entertaining.

So, some people in Michigan happened to notice that a FUCKING 6YEAR OLD KID was driving erratically and blockaded the little bastard before he fucked anything up too bad. His story as to why he took the car? Well, first he was on his way to get some Chinese food, but when the cops asked him he said he was on his way to the dealership to fix a couple dings he put in it when he smacked a stop sign. Shout out to that kid, I wasn’t nearly that proactive about anything at that age, I just wanted to watch cartoons. This got the guys talking about how sweet it would be to have a demolition derby of six year old kids in big old 1970’s Cadillacs, which I would be really into watching. And how they would be the new crazy drug addicted grown up child stars. Now THAT would be the kind of celebrity gossip I would want to follow. But enough about that, it’s FUCKING JEW MUSIC ooops, fuck that probably wasn’t cool, that’s my grandpa talking, sorry folks, NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First waste of human life PSY has given us a follow up to Gangnam Style called “Gentlemen”and it’s a fucking dirty needle full of shitty heroin cut with AIDS and leprosy. After that we heard Ghostface Killa dropping a new concept album called 12 Reasons to Die, and it was exactly the kind of quality you would expect from a Wu-Tang side project. Fallout Boy returned even though they should have stayed fucked off into obscurity, and they have a new album for all the thirteen year old girls to have their periods to. Ghost BC is a Swedish Metal band that started off very epic with some choir singing hymns of our dark lord and savior BEELZEBUB and then breaking into a bit of the typical euro metal stuff with the choir continuing to sing over it. Major Laser is some shitty super collaborator that dropped another club hit with all the other more famous DJ’s that is great if you plan on stuffing 25 ecstasy pills up your urethra and pissing a rainbow all over some guys prostate. Problem and Yamsu are two guys from my neck of the woods who are taking the reins of what used to be hyphy that is now called trap and it was exactly the kind of shit I would expect from the shitty rappers that I see hawking their $2 demos over by the train station. K.E.N. Mode is a Canadian metal band, so you know they’re totally friendly with their animal sacrifice and mutilation, but they actually sounded half decent, definitely listenable if you like metal or hardcore. After that was the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, being all emo and lesbian as they’re known to do, but I like lesbians and they’ve got an actual style and play their instruments, so I can’t talk too much shit. Next we’ve got one of my personal favorites and a member of the Battleaxe Warriors (That’s right, Swollen Members and Madchild’s crew, which I’m also a part of) named Slaine and his new album the Boston Project, this shit is not like the shit they play on the radio, it’s actually good, so go buy it you fucks. After far too long, we FINALLY HAVE A NEW UGLY KID JOE ALBUM and it was not the kind of worthless shite that most other hair metal bands that should have hung it up years ago are putting out. Next up we got some Steve Earl giving us another album full of bluesy old timey country music that I generally avoid like herpes. And Willie Nelson dropped a covers album, which I’ll give him credit for just for being the guy he is, but I still don’t want to hear any more country SO KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF RAWDOG! Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week which was put on hold so the guys could try and force the dog to play some of the new Skid Row minus Sebastian Bach album and it was actually acceptable, much more so than Ugly Kid Joe. Then, we got Rawdog’s pick of the week, which was the new Flaming Lips single which I could honestly give a fuck about because they never did anything too interesting to me. It’s the kind of shit you would listen to while a sort of frumpy chick with incredibly oversized glasses gives you a really awkward blowjob while you’re painting and smoking clove cigarettes on a balcony in some really trendy neighborhood in New York but you’re totally not satisfied with the blowjob because life is so pointlessand society is entirely fractured, or y’know, whatever you write in your journal when you’re not snorting coke that you bought with student loan money off of it. Sad news for NFL fans, Pat Summerall passed away. And some asshole tried to mail some poison to a U.S. Senator, so keep your eyes open next time you’re at the post office. After all that we got some final calls about some shit that people think and trying to revive some dead jokes from earlier in the day, all in all a good wind down for an entertaining afternoon.

Since I was very young, I’ve always had a dream that one day I would be so successful that I could wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills. And my mom told me “HAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA Fuck that I’ve seen you, you’re fucked! You’ll be lucky if you’re legal to live by yourself when you’re grown up” and I told that bitch “I know you’re making a whole lot off all that dick you been sucking, and I’m sure your dad wouldn’t be too happy to hear about that” And that was the first thousand dollars I ever earned, but certainly not the last.

Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,

Well, Shit on my sherbet, it’s Tuesday and it’s midday and it’s time for me to give you my own wonderful recap of today’s Jason Ellis show. Now with 20% more anal bleeding jokes!!! Today’s show started with Ellis telling everyone they were great. No real reason, just to say it cause he wanted to. Then he noticed how smooth Rawdog’s forehead was, but it’s still a little weird. Kind of a fivehead almost. Still looks good on him though, definitely better than having to tattoo a wolf’s head on to replace your hairline. (Just kidding, it’s a decent look for some people) What ever happened to that guy Ian Zering from 90210? He got a receding hairline and fucked off into obscurity, that’s what. But hey, at least he’s not advertising products to help stop you from bleeding out your ass. Basically, if you’re bald, you need to do something energetic. It’s a biological advantage to make you faster and fly higher and be that much more awesome. Make the bald work for you god dammit. Don’t let it turn you into a steaming pile of shit, it’s that much less maintenance too. Rawdog was feeling a little down about his skills getting the ladies, but was good enough to share about it. Rude Jude stepped in to let everyone know that their problems are far worse than his are. Jude was in New York last week and got to see that everyone at Sirius/XM New York is fucking down because they work there and everyone is bleeding out of their asshole. Jude on the other hand, is happy as fuck, he’s got a Christian Slater hairline and a whole radio station pretty much to himself. Jason offered to take Rawdog out for food after work to help him meet girls, but Jude had to interject and say that Jason might just cockblock Josh without meaning it. But of course the wing was two steps ahead and said they would only try to pick low hanging fruit. Jude was honestly interested in helping the dog out and had a Q&A session to see what Rawdog’s pussy chasing style is. Basically, Rawdog is kinda awkward in getting to know people, he needs to find a way to let people know that in advance so they know what to expect and work with it and bring out his inner testicular fortitude. More dating tips and stuff for Josh, he seemed to take it in pretty well, definitely brought his mood up knowing that no matter who you are, there is someone who will fuck you and you will probably be at least a little bit mutually attracted to them. Some girls called in to give their take on what Josh should do. There was some good opinions, even a couple ladies who said they would jump his bones no questions asked. That seemed to put a smile on his face. Everybody perked up a lot as soon as Rawdog started feeling better, and that’s what’s really important. Some more girls called in to say that they get weird too, but all you gotta do is own it and swing your dick like a wrecking ball on crack and everything will go just fine. The guys kicked around the idea of staging a Rawdog rescue where Ellis would get creepy aggressive and Rawdog would come and save them with a superman punch. They tried acting the whole scene out and I gotta say, it sounds like it could work. Basically, it could as long as the club manager would let Rawdog Deck Jason, he could be swimming in the beef pool in no time. Change of subject here, but do you think you would have a good time fucking an octopus? I mean it’s pre-lubed, and it does have all the tentacles to do extra stuff with, but if it wasn’t venomous and didn’t have that crazy beak, it would be a good time, right? Doesn’t seem like the type of animal who would do anything that would make your asshole start bleeding. I’m not saying let’s start getting in to beastiality, let’s just make sure we keep our options open. It’s a great big world, there’s all kinds of things to fuck that may or may not be a great time.

Hey, do you need to know how to do stuff? Do you think that Rawdog is a person worth listening to when it could be a matter of life and death or saving your relationship or protecting your home and valuables from harm or raising your children properly or maintaining your physical and mental well being or pretty much anything that the greater population would refer to as common sense? Well, then you’re in for a treat cause it’s time for Doin’ Stuff with Rawdog!!! BUT FIRST IT’S MMA NEWS!!! Matt Mitrione got suspended from the UFC for some comments he made about the transgendered fighter Fallon Fox. And god damn if the Tussin Wolf didn’t give us one of the best Italian/British/New yorker accent ever in quoting what he said too. And it all sounds like a pretty legit argument about whether or not Fallon Fox should still be allowed to fight women, and there’s even science coming in to play about it too. Basically, it seems like someone’s gonna need to dig really deep into this particular situation to make a proper judgement about what the rules are for transgendered fighters. More importantly though, Rawdog needs to teach us how to get out of those sticky situations that don’t have anything to do with getting girl juice on your divining rod. We first learned how to get rid of a tree stump in the back yard. The first problem with this is, if you cut the tree down from too high, you’re gonna leave a stump. So don’t be a dumbass in the first place. Next, a caller needed to know how to get a promotion at his software company. Of course there’s the obvious stuff, new ideas, save the company money, make up something fucking ridiculous that idiots will throw money at, or rip off someone else’s idea and then while pitching it to your boss, suck his dick. The next problem Rawdog was able to solve was how to put tire chains on so you don’t get stuck in the snow. Basically, you gotta reach into the trunk of the truck you’re driving, and it’s a big circular chain with a big hole in the middle, and you line it up with the hub cap, and then you pull the donut part over the tread part of the tire, but don’t forget to jack up the car first so you can get the chain all the way around the tire. Next, we got a few tips on how to fuck a random pregnant lady without hurting the baby, basically it’s a matter of position. Doggy is cool, but don’t let her go completely face down. Missionary won’t work, cause you could crush it from above, and whatever you do, it’s gotta be gentle pumping, seriously she’s about to be a mother. Next caller wanted to know how to make a western omelet for his wife. Of course you need, ingredients and pots and pans and an oven and hands and don’t forget to keep breathing so you don’t die while you’re cooking. And then, you watch the last time Josh made an omelet on Ellismania.com and the rest explains itself. Shouldn’t take you more than about 15 minutes, start to finish. Next, we learned how to wax a snowboard, basically you need a brush and some of that fancy snowboard wax they sell at the snowboard shop, then you brush it on vertically, just like licking pussy, one thin layer, let it dry a couple hours and your good to go. After that, we had to have a special father son talk about the birds and the bees. Rawdog’s best answer for it is how the fuck should I know, my dad never had that conversation with me, but if you’re gonna tell your kids about it, the best way to teach them is porn, and of course to explain it intelligently and give facts and then leave the room as quick as possible so they don’t ask any questions that you don’t want to answer. Next, we learned how to diagnose starting problems on a motorcycle, first check for fuel in the tank, cause we all make a Mulligan sometime, next you gotta check if the engine is working properly, but if it cranks and won’t run, your transmission is shot, don’t even bother just buy a new one, which segues perfectly into the next set of tips about buying a used car. You gotta test drive it, make sure it stops, and the radio hasn’t been stolen, and that the mirrors and shit are all still there, no strange smells that aren’t nugget dipping sauce, and that it’s not a fucked up blue 1996 BMW 318i that your Nana has to buy for you with your trust fund money. Make sure it isn’t haunted either, that brings it’s own whole set of problems. And of course, when negotiating the price, shoot real low until you wear them down to about half whatever they were asking. Or maybe even as low as one fifth the asking price. Don’t be a Jew or nothing, just stick to your guns (Again, kidding, I love the Jews, those fuckers know how to party). Of course we had to learn how to slip it in the poop shoot without causing anal bleeding or premature ejaculation. Basically, you gotta start by romancing the whole woman first, then romance the butthole, maybe with a finger or a tongue, and then you lube that crankshaft and then just ease it on in and keep it mellow until she starts saying creepy angry shit to you, after that you’re clear to bust that ass open like a can of peanuts under a truck tire. Next up, we learned how to make moonshine, and it basically gave us no real information, seeing as the ingredients are top secret, what with it being an ancient American tradition and all, but first you need to grow some wheat, and you know, some barley and shit, water is probably one of the ingredients, yeast and some other shit, and then you leave it in a bath tub for a few months, and then you put it in a jug and get fucking SHIT HAMMERED!!! Next up, we learned that in order to install a new electric dishwasher, first you have to make sure it’s plugged in, then you have to give it a dry run with no dishes in it and you’re golden. Someone wanted to know how to get a cat out of a tree, and if you’re not a whiny bitch who would normally call the fire department, just climb up there and grab the fucker. And of course, bring a satchel to put the cat in once you’ve got him, but don’t punch the cat to calm him down to get him in to the bag. That’s fucked up, and P is for pussy cause cats are adorable. Next, we had a guy who broke a guitar string and needed to replace it so that his shitty Radiohead cover band could make their show, so what he needed to do was unscrew the top and bottom part of the string, and then stretch the new string good and tight then screw it back down and crank the “Suck” up to eleven mother fuckers. Next we got gardening tips about how to make your lawn green to get ready for summer, and the best way to do it is to make sure you keep it watered. And if it won’t behave, fuck it until it loves you. After that we learned how to put a new piston into a motorcycle, the easiest way is to open up the chamber that it’s in, just unscrew the top of it, then undo the latch at the bottom of the piston and pull it out, reverse process to reassemble and enjoy your new boat anchor. Next in line, having a crawfish cook off! Of course a Jewish guy would know, cause carawfish are totally kosher, best way to do it is to grill them all up, just empty the sack you got ’em in right onto your barbecue. Sure hope they were frozen though, otherwise they’ll go bad really quick. I realize I’ve been writing almost a college level essay about the many things that Rawdog can teach us, but you know, it’s so much information that he has for us. And he’s such a source of entertainment, especially in this format. And I can probably go on for hours about how fucking interesting it is every time he does something. Next caller needed a little help because he was stuck in the Amazon jungle with his extremely pregnant wife and now he’s lost and needs to deliver the baby to a panicked woman, oh, did I mention it’s triplets and THEY’RE IN THE FUCKING JUNGLE?!!??!?!? CAUSE THEY ARE!!! First step, make a bed of ferns to lay the hysterical bitch down on and hopefully shut her the fuck up, then check for mildly poisonous snakes that can bite her and get her nicely doped up without killing her or the kids, then get really REALLY focused on the alien that’s about to bursting out of your wife’s forever damaged log flume of a vagina, and after the spawn have been released from hell to destroy any hope you had of enjoying your future, rub two sticks together against the umbilical cord until the friction wears through it, then say bye-bye to the titties you used to love playing with cause they’re pretty much gone forever. Next we had a caller who shot a 1,000 lb. elk and needed to drag it a mile and a half back to his campsite. First, you gotta skin the elk, then chop it into easy to manage pieces and start making relay runs and hope you don’t come back to something more vicious than you when you come back to get whatever you left behind. And tThe last question was what’s the best way to kidnap someone and collect their ransom? Most important thing, it’s gotta be a team effort, then you gotta see what their routine is, corner the fucker and then gang up and shove the fucker into a van while soliciting money for poor people. After that you need to make sure the poor fuck doesn’t go anywhere, steal his cell phone and start calling every number he’s got in it until someone agrees to the $10,000 that you demand for his safe return. If you’re really smart, collect from every fish that bites. And that’s enough knowledge for one day, my mind has been thoroughly blown.

MOON NEWS!!! As if Rawdog hasn’t done enough for us today, back in 1969, when the moon was cool and the clit seemed distant and unreachable, there’s now transcripts from that famous Apollo eleven mission that hint at the possibility of aliens or space ghosts or some asshole who let a deucer float off into the passenger compartment in zero gravity. I can’t help but really really want to pitch a loaf in outer space and let everyone else sort it out. That just sounds like it can’t ever stop being funny, and I don’t give a fuck who you think you are, if you’re watching a live  feed from a space mission and a turd floats past the camera and everybody starts trying to swim out of it’s way, you’re laughing your fucking ass off too. And you’ll be doing it ten times harder if a piece of bloody toilet paper comes into frame while someone’s not looking. And the first woman in space might very well have caught an unsolicited floating zero gravity load in her hair, or gotten railed in deep space. Which raises a good point, how many women have gotten fucked in outer space? There was that one crazy bitch who drove cross country in a diaper to threaten her man’s ex-wife or some such shit, she probably got a mad plowing right up against the airlock. Probably chased the floating money shot too. Somehow, this got to the topic of how much fucking they do in the Olympics, which I happen to know is a lot, cause I knew a girl who was in the Sydney Olympics years ago, and when I met her she was a mother fucking stone cold freak. She might have even gotten pounded so hard she was bleeding out the ass at the starting line. HOLLYWOOD NEWS MINUS LINDSEY LOHAN!!! Beyonce and Jay-Z are catching some heat with the US government cause they took a trip to Cuba, fuck all three of them, Beyonce, Jay-Z and the government have all never done anything I can give a fuck about. Nick Stahl, the guy from Terminator 3, is back on drugs…so yeah. He was also in Sin City and did a fucking good job on that one, really pulled off the mutant child molester thing well. Kid Rock is going on tour with ZZ Top, Kool and the Gang and Uncle Kracker! And he’s making it dirt cheap as a mother fucker and DEMANDING the beer is no more than $4 at every stop. Rick Ross is getting some heat from date rape survivors for singing about dosing girls with molly and banging ’em with no resistance, so basically fuck Rick Ross twice with a jagged broke off rusty shovel. Justin Beiber recently ditched that adorable boy-dyke haircut for the one-side-of-your-head-shaved porn star look, something to try and get in touch with what’s hip probably. And that’s all there is to tell about the stars. Tully hit us with a story about X-Games Brazil, some dude tried to get everybody to work smarter not harder for all the hourly employees cause they’re having problems paying everybody. And they’re asking for people to not take free stuff, and cover as much of their own expenses as possible, and maybe donate some of the money they actually earned back in to the pot to make up for the bad apples that are going to ruin it anyway. And then the memo asks that the workers not be assholes to the locals, as though it’s been some kind of problem and they may not be invited back. It’s starting to sound like the competition is getting the best of the X-Games franchise, what with Dew Tour and all the shit Red Bull puts together and everything else that’s starting to outshine them. They definitely gave it a fucking amazing try, and they were certainly the first, but even I wasn’t that impressed with the last one. There’s been shitloads of great moments, but the core of what ESPN does is a completely different market than the kind of guys that skate and ride BMX and rally and moto. Pretty hard to sell something to someone who was happy with what you were offering before. A caller who was in the know gave us some insight that ESPN has been hacking the budget year after year too, so it kinda seems like they’re doing what they need to to slowly phase it out. Kill the market, the consumer won’t bother you anymore. Then again, It’s all speculation, and the sports are never going to die, so even without ESPN people are still gonna do awesome shit out on the fringe and they’re gonna enjoy it a lot more without all the politics.

More talk about what may or may not become EllisMania 9, of course there was the RapeMania talk from yesterday, they also floated the idea of holding it at Kit Cope’s house without any notice and having everybody fight everybody, or maybe bringing the whole thing up to beautiful Reno Nevada to save a few bucks on organizing the whole affair. The Reno idea isn’t terrible, I’d be able to drive there for less than a plane ticket and door to door salesmen are always coming in to my work with special offers for $50 weekends at the Silver Legacy and shit. It isn’t the worst idea I’ve heard, and it would outsell everything else in town for sure. After a quick metal break, we just had to check in on our old pal Mr. X. He’s been out of the spotlight for a well, doing alright, keeping his nose clean and such, but Tully had a news report about a guy named Mr. A who is reportedly the biggest ecstasy user of all time. He’s taken an estimated 40,000 pills of it in his lifetime, tapering off at a respectable 25 hits a day. Brain scans haven’t determined any long term brain damage, but he did report that after he stopped for a few months, he still felt high and was having anxiety, tunnel vision, and muscle rigidity, probably a bit of anal bleeding that he didn’t feel like reporting too. Of course, with all that ecstasy, you gotta have something to listen to, and who else to give us our soundtrack but Josh “Jewish Claws” Richmond and his signature segment New Music Tuesday. First thing we heard was Brad Paisley singing Accidental racist featuring LL “Get These Balls” Cool J, and it was as depressing as a country song should be, but with LL Cool J shitting all over it and making it that much worse. Ray J dropped a new bomb about how he fucked that ho before you did, the kind of stuff you might normally expect in the mainstream rap game. Stone Sour had a new single this week as well, definitely sounds like actual music, although the song they played wasn’t really my thing, it took a bunch of guys to actually write and perform it, unlike a lot of shit that usually ends up on New Music Tuesday. Next up we heard the new Volbeat single Doc Holiday, and it was not terrible at all, definitely worth a listen. After that was Device covering Nine Inch Nails and it was not the worst cover ever, but a little too close to the original. Some other dude who’s name I didn’t catch wrote some song that sounded like elevator music, totally forgettable, so fuck it. Next we heard NORE, who has changed his name to P.A.P.I. and gained as much weight as a midsize SUV, and dropped an autotuned club hit that got really annoying to me pretty quick, but he’s still an actual gangsta and doesn’t give a fuck what I think, so have fun with that ya tubby bastard. Serenity gave us a track called Wings Of Madness, which ended up being a great intro with an eighties synthesizer and a guy named Fabio Damore queering it up. The next new hit was Drowning Pool doing what they do, with their normal cookie monster bullshit. After that we heard Paramore giving thirteen year old girls their period all over the world, with HEAVY FLOW AND MOOD SWINGS (It could allegedly be anal bleeding too, but I wouldn’t want to talk about girls that young in that way). Next up was Tyga singing about Dope, as rappers often do. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week was the kind of thing you would listen to if you were popping 25 hits of ecstasy a day and not getting laid and didn’t eat very well and got shit on by your boss and your friends all the time for all your bad habits and your shitty haircut and your trust fund and that broke ass 18 year old BMW you drove to work in and how you can’t pronounce the letter L. While that was playing in the background, Tully gave us some news about a Russian Clergyman who said that angels and demons are real, just that you don’t realize it and you think they’re aliens. Makes enough sense I suppose, seeing as both are either someone covering for going out drinking or fucking someone else, or someone who has lost all touch with reality because they’ve stuffed so much ecstasy up the back door that they’re bleeding out the ass profusely. Time for final calls, and it was a lot of hate for Rawdog’s taste in music, which is legitimate, people who just need to say I love you, and not much else. Catch Jason tonight on Loveline with Dr. Drew and Psycho Mike, and maybe see if you can finally give that show the call that rattles Drew to the point that he has to take a commercial break before he can answer.

When I was a kid, we didn’t have all these crazy gluten free, vegan, trans-fat free, crazy fad diets. Hell, we only had four food groups and you were supposed to eat an equal amount of all of them. But my mom cared so much about us kids growing up healthy, she always made sure I got the most important meal of the day, and that’s pussy.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,