What a glorious day to be alive! The sun is shining, I bought comic books over the weekend, and my balls are as smooth as eggs. How’s your day going? Great, fuck you and shut up, it’s recap time. Today’s show started with Jason asking the question “Was your day real?” I’m pretty sure mine was, a customer brought us pastries and they were delicious, so it must have been real. Tully and Rawdog talked a little bit about dreams and Tully has had stress dreams about doing the show in different places and everything starts going wrong. He also had a dream where Courtney Love took over the show for an hour, and that kinda sounds like it would be worth a listen. Knowing what we know about her though, chances are slim that she could pull it off or even show up on time. Jason tried to run Rawdog down in his truck just because, and the dog didn’t even realize it was him. It took two murder attempts and finally Jason yelling at him before he would look up and get the joke. Tully has noticed that nerds are making a pretty big, ummm, hard to say come back, but something kind of like that. It all comes down to being able to do stuff with your brain and how it’s easier to be successful with a computer than it is by tearing your back up at a factory job all your life. Some of them though, are still those creepy guys with way too much acne who live in their mom’s basement and have way more friends that they’ve never actually met face to face than people who get out and do shit like the rest of us. Rawdog used the word “rend” when talking about tearing his shirt off and this prompted Jason to start reading some of the random shit people were tweeting at him and someone on twitter used it in a sentence too. Yay, we’re smart like The Illusionist! Anyway, our old pal Rude Jude stopped by to tell us about all his gay friends with AIDS. They’re in great shape, and apparently there’s all kinds of salon medications for AIDS patients who are having side effects from the AIDS medication. Rawdog went to a party full of gay dudes and had a bit too much to drink and may or may not have gotten molested, but Jude took it to the next level and roofied himself over the weekend. Sure, it was by accident, but it was a party nonetheless. Rawdog was drinking all day before the homo-fest. This got us to the topic of when gay guys flirt with you even when you’re not trying to get them too. It’s happened to all the guys, Jude even gets bummed if he wanders to the store in a gay district and doesn’t get someone trying to get his number. It’s happened to me too, I’m not ashamed to say it, but the ones who try to get a taste of my chili ring are always way too creepy and some of them may or may not have been prostitutes. They aren’t as friendly up in the bay as they are down in So-Cal. All the talk of Rawdog being a massive vagina uncovered a twee from a lady named Jasmyn who said she wanted to rend Rawdog’s cock, and the boys started pushing him to go get a piece (If it’s the Jasmyn I’m thinking of, I fully support this decision too). Jason told us a couple tidbits about how his TV show pitch went yesterday, the guy he talked to is a huge fan of the radio show and that could very well work in Ellis’ favor. Jason still has some unused vacation time that he’s gotta use before it expires and he isn’t sure what he wants to use it for, but he might go to one of those never ending waves that they have at water parks and finally learn how to kind of surf just well enough to go surf someplace that has a reef out in the real world. The guys talked a bit about how funny it would be to try and be a local at the eternal wave and walk to the front of the line every time and kick junior high kids out for no reason at all. Basically, it would be nice to be an asshole surfer dude for a few days just for shits and giggles. And yes, surfers are assholes, nothing like moto guys at all, they’re cool as fuck. Jude finally caught a look at the Jew-manji jar to see what that was all about and promised that he would never make fun of Rawdog’s religion, just his many basic failings at life in general. Jason found a new place to take his dogs, only problem is it’s covered in dog shit because people in Hollywood got no respect for public spaces. And parking there is a mother fucker too. And homeless people shit there after dark. Fuck homeless people, we don’t make you who you are or make you shit where you shit. Maybe we don’t want you to be living in our pristine subway stations just as much as you don’t want to be living in them. Or, you know we could all try and help our fellow human beings or something, but that just wouldn’t be American, so fuck it.
So, there’s been a bunch of bands getting back together this year, and probably the most important one of all is Neutral Milk Hotel!!! I know Rawdog was masturbating furiously when he heard the news on Facebook. Also, some Swedish senior citizen couple got arrested for harassment cause they were blasting Iron Maiden at 4 in the morning. That’s the kind of walking dessicated corpse I want to be someday.
Lemme take a second in the middle of this recap to say that I was listening on a very serious delay from having a really busy afternoon at work, and had to pause the show yet again to answer a call from my favorite phone number ever, area code nine 5 four, nine too oh, nine 9 six oh, (I wholeheartedly invite anyone who has some free time to please call and make these people’s lives a living hell). This number is from a company that has been harassing my shop pretty much every day for the last month and a half to buy a god damn OSHA compliance poster to hang in the bathroom. Now, it should be said that any asshole can go to Costco and buy one of these for about $5, and you’ll have it right there, and you don’t have to wait for it in the mail or pay the most ridiculous markup for a piece of paper that you’ve ever heard of. Let me also say that I was polite the first 20 or so times I told them not to call back. Then, I was very firm about telling them not to call back. Then I filed a complaint with the FCC, and let them know that the next few times they called. But yesterday, I had an idea straight from the Jason Ellis show. Masking my voice as that of Dom’s character “The Drifter” I would answer as a creepy masturbating man whenever I saw that number from now on. Well folks, guess who called this afternoon? Right from the word “Hello” I could already tell the lady on the other end of the phone was a little bit rattled. She responded to me “Hello?” I said “Yes?” she asked “Is this a business?” to which I replied “No” all three words said in the same gravelly, I-might-try-and-have-sex-with-your-corpse, hey-kid-you-wanna-earn-five-bucks-the-hard-way, I’m-gonna-cum-on-your-shiiiiittttt drifter voice that Dom has recently become known for, and son of a mother fucking whore, the bitch hung up, and not only did she hang up but she sounded like she got the fear of god put in her. I may be reading too much into the whole conversation, sure, but it felt wonderful, so to the Jason Ellis show and crew, I say thank you for the inspiration. I’ll be sure to report back if anything new develops in this coming venture of fucking with telemarketers. Anyhow…
IT’S NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! Hope you got your butt hole greased up proper, cause we’re about to start pounding that ass like we’re making pesto sauce, mother fuckers. First up we heard the new single from Pop Evil, after about ten minutes of Jason telling Thomas Hayden Church that he couldn’t jump on board with all of his music picks, called Trenches and it was like Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit had angry butt sex and gave birth to a living turd baby. After that was the newest one from LL Cool J featuring Travis Barker and Eddie Van Halen and it wasn’t the worst rap rock crossover I’ve ever heard, but still made me want to tell LL to get these balls. After that we heard Icona Pop and it made my dick and balls shrivel up and hide because this is the number 4 song in the world, and they don’t want to be here anymore. Up next was the Melvins bringing us an all covers album, and it’s nice to see that not all the old punks have given up the ghost just yet. After that was the new one from Kenny Chesney, and if you’ve heard me talk about country music, you probably know what I’m gonna say next. Next we got the newest one from Iggy and the Stooges doing their own little reunion record, and even though Iggy Pop is the risen specter of evil, the new album claims that he is in fact ready to die. That Kind of sucks, personally, I like Iggy Pop. After them we heard a band called Amorphous doing some more of that slow building epic orchestrated metal intro with a massively montage worthy riff and half growling half choir boy vocals, so nothing we haven’t heard before really. Next on the chopping block was H.I.M. which is in my opinion one of the shittiest bands around, but I gave this new single a shot and it was just as bad as I remember, but would be great victory music for the next Rocky sequel. We heard the new one from Ch-Ch-Ch which as far as I’m concerned is not a band, it’s a shitty experiment like Chumbawumba (and for all I know, it could be their side project) and it was ignored, and rightfully so. Deep Purple dropped a new album, and as much as we’re all glad they’re not dead, the feeling may have left the band. After that we heard some guy named Hani El Katib (spell check that, cause I have no idea if it’s even close) it sounded like a pretty good rip off of something by Beck, but nothing I would go out of my way to hear again. Next was Coliseum with some more of that wonderful new hard rock that most people would like to just fuck off into oblivion, but with a modern alternative vocal track that made it just that little bit worse. Finally we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week which was not thew worst thing I’ve ever heard, but not worth advertising the name of the band, especially because I didn’t hear what he said it was. This brought up a great question from Tully: how much money would it take for Ellis to go to Coachella, for the whole weekend, only on 40 year old dude drugs and no banging chicks while bands are playing, you gotta stay and hear the bands? $500 a day, which sounds pretty fair, really, cause a ticket for all the shit that whole weekend is about the same price. We got to hear a little more about the time Ellis had pitching TV shows yesterday. He’s feeling good about it, but at the same time he’s a little wary just because there’s so many people doing it, and they’re probably way better at it and until there’s a good firm yes he’s not gonna get too over hyped on what the outcome is going to be. Hopefully it happens, cause there’s definitely some absolute shite on TV and if your gonna waste time in front of the idiot box, there’s ways you can do it that are actually kind of good. Tully gave some of his experience dealing with TV guys and trying to get picked up to work on a show and all the many ins and outs of it and it sounds like it could be fun for some people, and definitely great for your ego when some shithead producer’s assistant makes him drop everything to take a conference call with you. Sounds like the only gripe anybody had with Ellis’ show is that there’s a bit too much porn happening, and I’m sure some fans would agree, but it’s basically cause nobody wants to be on the radio so those are most of the guests that we end up with. Blame the fact that it’s kind of a dying medium, but we as fans can always bring it back by continuing to listen. Some Canadian called in to help Ellis get better at pitching himself to all the beady eyed mole people in the caves of the great white north. Basically, the best plan you could have would be to shoot a pilot first before you pitch it, cause, god damn, everybody’s got the free time and resources to make that happen. Got a few more calls on what to do to make a TV show work out, and some other shit like that. All in all, it sounds like Jason isn’t giving up on it, so keep those remotes handy for when it might hit your screen.
HOLLYWOOD NEWS! As if we haven’t heard enough about the place. Jason Collins is an NBA player who wrote an article for Sports Illustrated to let everyone know he’s gay. Good for the gays, they should be allowed to play sports if they want, it doesn’t make a god damn difference as long as they keep winning, right? This got into a lot of reasonably intelligent conversation about what the future holds as gay people are more accepted in society. The best question posed though, was by Rawdog. He asked us, what if men were the ones who could get pregnant and not women, but you still had to fuck another dude to make children, what would you do? Jason says he’d ro-sham-bo Sluggo on who’s having the kid, but he’d keep a girlfriend on the side. Then we got a call from Gretchen Sheckler, that’s right, Ryan Sheckler’s mom! It’s been a while since we heard from the Sheckler family, and Jason is going to be hanging out with them over the weekend for the annual Scheckler foundation skate contest. Gretchen called in just to let everybody know the event was going down, and that the sponsors have made a lot of good donations and it’s gonna be an awesome time for everyone involved and it’s all for a good cause. check out schecklerfoundation.org to get all the details, and if you’re in the area go on down and show some support and see some awesome skating. Back to Hollywood news, Ireland Baldwin, Alec’s daughter has been trying to get out from under the nasty comments her dad made about her on the news years ago. We got some more calls on the whole gay thing, some pro, some con, long story short it’s one of those issues that’s probably beating a dead horse for some folks, could be the most important thing ever for others. Had some more good insight on the topic from a few callers, sounded like a good session of brainstorming for how to be nice to our fellow gay human beings.
So, UFC 159 was this past weekend. Ellis was sick as a dog, so he chugged some sizzurp and conked out all the way through until right before the fights. Plus he had shit to move to his new house over the weekend, so it’s not like it was a totally wasted weekend. Tully remembered way back before EllisMania 5 when he was sparring with Benji one day and his vision started going black and he needed to go get antibiotics. More importantly though, the results from the Jones/Sonnen fight and more importantly than that, the bet that Ellis and Rawdog made about who’s getting a chicken with Rawdog’s head on their ass, or who’s gonna do a massive MMA gauntlet. Of course, not before talking more UFC, and a little bit of moto talk, and even a call from Thomas Hayden Church. THC called in to back up some of his music suggestions, and defend all the shit that Jason and Rawdog WEREN’T talking about his new movie, and more than likely just to give him shit as all good friends do from time to time. It’s always nice to hear from the Church of Hayden, he’s always been a good dude as far as I can tell. Well, Rawdog lost the bet and he had to go through a series of challenges including (but not limited to) waiting until tomorrow afternoon because they spent too much time bullshitting about UFC and moto and reconnecting with that one guy from SIDEWAYS and SPIDER MAN and even a few LESSER KNOWN NATIONAL LAMPOON TITLES and also SOME COMEDY HORROR MOVIE I SAW THAT I DON’T REMEMBER THE NAME OF WHERE HE’S A HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER WHO’S ALSO SERIAL KILLING HIS STUDENTS. So, instead of Rawdog’s death from exhaustion, we got to hear Tila Tequila spout off a bunch of shit about how she can make energy balls or some complete load of crap, whatever the hell she’s up to today when she’s not getting booed off stage at a gathering of the Juggalos.
There’s been many times when I needed advice, and I always turned to my history teacher Mr. Salem for those really tough problems. One day, I asked him “Hey, what happens when we die?” and he told me “Well, if it happens in my neighborhood your body’s gonna get sent to the county cemetery with no shoes, no wallet and all your gold fillings are gonna be gone. The streets is a mother fucker.” And from that day on, I always made sure to check what colors I’m wearing depending on what neighborhood I was going to be in. Never know who’s gonna need a size ten and a few dollars for lunch.
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,