Candy apples with razor blades…little dead cats spinnin’ graves…I REMEMBER HALLOWEEN!!! Happy October everyone, it’s a great time of year, leaves start changing colors and on the last day of the month, nobody gives a fuck if you walk out of the house in full bondage gear and a foxtail butt plug, just tell them you’re on your way to a party!!! But more importantly, it’s aboot noontime and that means the Ellis Show is back to make our afternoon great. Today’s show started with some live action Jerry Springer shit happening in front of my shop, then some technical difficulties, then some MxPx and some Everlast, and then some Australian fucker yelling about technical difficulties and how they can harass Tony Hawk. And since Tony Hawk is god, it’s gotta be a pretty special feeling to have god’s phone number and be able to make seductive comments to him through a voice changing machine. And if you didn’t know, Jake “Sick Cunt” Brown is a fan and is gonna be bringing a bunch of his friends to EllisMania 9. He also wanted to have one of his alcoholic friends ref one of the fights, but this was proven to be a fucking horrible idea. There was some conversation over the validity of smoking cigarettes versus smoking weed and what are the appropriate age cutoffs for having a bong stuck to your face. Basically, your thirties aren’t supposed to be fun, but anytime before or after you’re more than welcome to be high as all shit just as long as the rest of your day is taken care of. It’s kinda like french toast, it’s pretty much dessert for breakfast. Sometimes you have to, but it shouldn’t be a daily habit. Or if you’re Rawdog, you can throw fistfulls of frosted flakes down your gullet on a saturday morning after a session with the gravity bong. Ellis was going for a run this morning and some Machine Head came on and the power of the riff compelled him to start sprinting up a hill like a massive tard. And Nick Swardson is getting a great laugh out of hearing that Ellis is training Rawdog and the dog’s only strategy at this point is to get one good dick punch to throw him off long enough for him to run away. Rude Jude stopped by to chat a bit about how Tumbles is gonna get his unconscious dick sucked by a comedian in two weeks. Jude saw Jason’s black eye and the guys started talking about whether or not it makes ladies love you or if it makes you look like you missed the dick and it caught you a few inches higher than you were hoping for. The guys tried taking phone calls to see if the technical difficulties were sorted out and the only problem was that Boon was on the phone. They didn’t wait to hear what Boon wanted, but talked about the dynamic of repeat callers for a minute or two. Some guy called in to talk metal bands and Rob Flynn’s old projects. Jude was thinking of dropping Jack The Cunt on “Hate it or Love it” but he doesn’t want to because the rap community is almost as homophobic as the Westboro Baptist church. But one of the guys may start making random guest appearances as “HomoAtheist” just so Jude doesn’t have to catch everybody’s shit for not hating gay people. The guys played some of Rob Flynn’s old band Violence and then compared it to all the free passes that the public has given to Anthrax for all their crazy projects and crossovers. And if we’re talking metal, Tully has to inject all his musical knowledge. And apparently there’s a bunch of songs I need to go download cause hair metal was way more metal than all of us seem to realize. The guys talked music for a bit and how just because your favorite song is your favorite, doesn’t mean it’s the best, and VH1 has proven this to us every time they interview a band that absolutely despises their biggest hit song many years later. There was more music history talk and the crew started getting more and more aggravated with the performance of the intern Vanessa as stupider and stupider callers getting through. She’s been trying to hustle her air check off to Rude Jude at really inappropriate times, like during lunch and when he’s taking a shit, and it’s getting a little ridiculous. There’s a time and a place for this kind of stuff, and it’s not while someone is about to snap off a hot load while they’re in bed on the other side of town from where you live. Jason decided to humor Vanessa and play her air check and if you want some uppity bitch to start demanding you to buy her drinks then she did a great job. It might work for one those hip hop stations that plays nothing but top 40 club shit, but on SiriusXM, bitch, YOU NEED TO TIGHTEN THAT GAME UP!!! And even though Jude hates rap, and clubs, he does love getting women drunk, so she’s at least got a chance in the industry someday. The rest of the guys spent the next few minutes ripping apart this air check like a pack of wild dogs on a bag of Doritos, and it was kind of well deserved, but for something completely home made it could have been a lot worse. Basically, it was nothing that fifty thousand DJ’s on just as many stations on shit ass terrestrial radio aren’t already doing. Then there was some back and forth and a little bit of heat for Vanessa trying to get Drake to call in to Jude’s show without asking if he wanted it, and some other shit, and this kinda spiraled into some other shit and apparently Vanessa may be trippin’ pretty hard about just what they actually want her to do as an intern. Not that she’s a bad person, just that she needs to intern before she starts trying to be a producer. And that Jude is not gonna take her out for drinks after the show. Or let her give him a blumpkin for a paid position at SirisXM. The guys interviewed Vanessa for a bit about her career and goals and who she is and she’s getting a late start to the higher end of the radio business but she’s been dedicated to it for a while now, so it looks like it’ll be working out in due time. She’s had a lot of the same trials and tribulations as Jason, so he understands when shit in your head doesn’t play out quite the same as you’d like it to in real life and how that can make a person act a little off and not realize it. After a lofty pep talk from Ellis and a brainstorming session about how to approach your mom about helping her get her vagina fixed after you wrecked the place on the way out, everybody had a good cry about how hard life can be and how shit is rough sometimes, then we segued straight into shitting on Five Finger Death Punch and all of their moms. Tully was crying last night while he was watching some clip of Mariano Rivera from the New York Yankees being sent to the dugout for the last time as he passes his pitchers mound to the next in line, and how it’s heartwarming as all fuck cause that was the guy throwing strike outs all through his childhood and it’s almost like letting him go to carousel from Logan’s Run but way lest festive, more like they’re actually gonna kill him not just float him up in the air and set off some fireworks. And since we’re all being vag-ey and emotional, let’s get some classic MJ to make sweet love and dance to while we regroup.

POT NEWS! Only this time with no pot, cause some guy got busted with a whole shitload of cash and the cops said that the money smelled too much like weed to have come from any other source but drug dealing. But seriously, that money REEKED of weed according to the cop. Even though they searched the guy’s car and didn’t find any weed. But they did find some receipts for some grow equipment and a note detailing several strains of weed, so it kind of adds up, but very very loosely, and only if you’re the same type of fucktard who wants to have gravity taken out of high school textbooks cause the bible doesn’t mention it. Basically the only way you could get away with this kind of thing is if you gave Snoop Dogg a ride home and the money fell out of his pocket. All the legal loopholes of this story prompted some talk about the government shutdown and how the house of congress really is a whole bunch of worthless cunts that should just fuck off and die. Even the politicians that I kind of respect, y’all should take a permanent vacation at the business end of an acid bath. Speaking of Decepticons, Rawdog found a news story about human/computer relations and some lady has found that in combat situations, mainly explosives removal, the soldiers are getting attached to their bomb disposal bots like the old shop dog, naming them and slapping bumper stickers on them and even holding funerals when they get blown sky high by a modified 1986 Fiat Panda. So basically, The Matrix is going to happen, and we’re gonna let it cause these things are gonna be our friends just long enough to betray us when we least suspect it. Some kid in southern California recently confessed to federal prosecutors that he was terrorizing a bunch of young women by remotely hacking into their webcams and taking photos of them changing clothes and voyeuristic shit like that, then terrorizing them through their Facebook or email and blackmailing them into live sessions with him on Skype or else he would release all the photos publicly. So, right on dude, tell me how they treat child molesters in prison, I hear they have special traditions for your kind. And to piggyback off yesterdays conversation about naked selfies, if you’re old enough to rent a car just go ahead and make it public and save yourself the drama OR ELSE go back to celluloid film and snail mail. There was some talk about the Elliot Sloan/PLG fight that’s gonna be happening in two weeks THAT I’LL BE ATTENDING and it seems that one of the only wild cards to this fight is that PLG weighs about 20lbs less than Sloan, but he actually knows how to fight and it’s unclear if Sloan has been training at all. The guys took another quick break to sort out a picture of these two ramp savages facing off, then got right back into a video of Willie Nelson and more importantly some old hippie fan of his dancing like the shit was gonna crawl out of his ass and cook up a pot of jambalaya. Somehow this all spawned an argument about a bacon and turd omelet and this required vengeance by way of dick punching machine, unfortunately the dick punching machine is in some storage unit that Wilson doesn’t have keys for. So the guys had to improvise with some sort of spare parts contraption that made Pendarvis talk in circles about how he’s not allowed to fight in EllisMania, even though someone else’s boss’ boss said no, but someone else who’s a muthafuckin’ BAUS said that it’s OK, and the word boss now means absolutely nothing to me. Then Tully convinced Pendarvis to Dutch Rudder a fist into Rawdog’s balls which ended up being Instagram gold. And if you didn’t already hate Rawdog enough to punch him in the dick, it’s NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First song we heard was a late breaking new track from Scott Stapp, courtesy of Bryan “The Backbone” Cullen, and like other Scott Stapp projects it’s HERRRRHHHEEEEEHHHEERRRRYYEEEAAHH! and so is completely invalid as music. Next we heard Rawdog try to defend Fred Durst against Stapp, and has earned himself a future dick punch Dutch rudder, then Tumble played us the new Milk Banana, which is a Japanese noise punk band and the last noise punk show I went to made me want to kick the shit out of somebody, but this was a little more refined being as they’re Japanese. However, it still made me reconsider taking a vacation in Tokyo. After that was the latest from Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and she sure hasn’t hit the wall in the best 80’s semi androgynous way, and her music is still the same style and sound it was before, so it’s clear she’s pretty much the only proven non-sellout rock star. Katy Perry has a new record and I honestly don’t care, but I had to hear the new single off it today and it reinforces my call for her head on a pike in front of my apartment building. Next we got a taste of an all girl Jewish trio called Haim and it was a pretty good throwback to when people played instruments and autotune had been invented then overused and forgotten again and people had to write lyrics. Then there was Deltron 3030, featuring a lot of guest spots and a single with Zach from Rage Against the Machine that had a pretty good beat and would certainly fit the mood at my tattoo shop when they hold art shows (You probably wouldn’t get t if you haven’t been there, but it makes sense to me so go fuck yourself). Next up was some band that I didn’t catch the name of but it was some of Rawdog’s typical electronic bullshit that we have to hear even though nobody else wants to. After that we got a taste of the new one from Korn and while the nineties are gone, one of the few good parts of it is still alive, but unfortunately they’re bringing dubstep along with it. Please Korn, no more dubstep. I’ve liked your work in the past, but you’re gonna need to stomp Skrillex to death live on stage if you really want me as a permanent fan. And if that wasn’t enough, Moby has a new record and I sure hope that next time the record companies pay for him to just stay on hiatus. Luckily though, Moby is allegedly creepy as all fuck, so he might get Roman Polanskie’ed one of these days. After that was the Blind Boys of Alabama and while I’m not into gospel, it at least takes real work and not just a shout out and some studio time from someone who’s already huge and they’ve been doing it for almost 85 ears, so suck on that Rolling Stones. Next was the new single from that girl Lordes who did that song royals and she’s still jocking the shit out of Adele like Adele freed the Jews and built an ark with two of every animal on it all in the same weekend. Nelly dropped a new one and if we don’t ear it played on the radio ever again we can just pretend it didn’t happen and move on. Finally we heard the new one from Randy Travis and if you like country you probably already heard it and bought it and if you don’t like country then just keep moving and if you know what country is really supposed to be, you’ll know it truly died sometime around 1993. The guys took some phone calls about how most of the new music was lacking information or rehashes of other shit that’s already been done, which is kinda true but maybe not as much today as it has been other times. There were also some calls about Waylon Jennings and how he was possibly one of the baddest mother fuckers alive up until his death in 2002. Now he’s the baddest mother fucker in the afterlife, and yes he has a whole collection of wrecked General Lee 1969 Dodge Chargers. Still drives one of the good ones every so often just to blow the cobwebs out and launch it off an incomplete section of freeway over a gorge. And he’s also Yelawolf. And he’s the reason why Keith Richards cannot be killed with conventional weapons.

The guys are kicking around the idea of bringing back unsigned farts. Nothing to do with anything really, just want to let you guys know so you can get some of those good ones on record and maybe get them played on the radio. Ellis is playing around with his diet some more and there’s all kinds of cool stuff you can get from Onnit.com for that and you too can have a much more glorious penis. And live longer and bench more and yada yada yada. The guys talked about how it’s completely inevitable to turn out like your parents. Tully’s dad used to round up his age to the next year after the six month mark and recently Tully has been doing it too. And we all know about Rawdog’s speech impediment. Tully found a news story about a family that threw a surprise party for their son and after they turned out the lights to get the kid, when he turned them back on the entire room was covered in maggots. That’s right, maggots. and that’s when you know shit is serious when you turn the lights off and the entire room is covered in fucking maggots. One time right before Pendarvis’ first kid was born, one of the vents in the bathroom ceiling burst open and a dead bird swarmed in maggots came flying out of his wife’s uterus. Back to the news story, the reason the maggots all cover that room is because there was a dead body in between floors of their apartment building. But hey, they can always do the German Pinata and fist the corpse. The guys did some test and tune on a new segment they want to start doing where they review movies and they wanted to sort out all the finer points. Basically they’re gonna take suggestions from each other on well known classics that one of them has seen and the rest of them haven’t, and then give their rundown on it, almost like you sir are a Moron, but more like a really offensive Siskel and Ebert. The guys threw out a few titles that they think are good reccomendations for each other, like Rambo, Mad Max, Predator, Romper Stomper, and a whole bunch of other ones that mostly Rawdog hasn’t seen which is just a goddamn failing of the American education system if you ask me. The guys turned to the audience for some suggestions and first one up was somebody trying to give Jason some Mega Destroy clothing, which he shot down cause no one’s ever heard of it and live on the radio is not the right time to shop for new sponsors. Jason talked about how Devin is growing up way faster than he’d like and even at just 8 years old she’s got too much of a social life to want to hangout with dad anymore and he’s already plotting how to kill her first boyfriend. The guys took some phone calls and some guy said three things that made no sense and had nothing to do with anything, but he did suggest that the guys watch the Deer Hunter. There were more calls that prove that the intelligence level and attention span of the average person are waning more and more with each passing day. But fuck it, cause sometimes it’s great to have a few thousand idiots in one place, cause they’ll get creative and try to box each other with blindfolds and electric dog collars on or some other hilarious shit. And if you wanna see that happen, there’s a way you can do that in just a couple weeks. CUE BRUCE LEE MUSIC! START TALKING WHEN JASON SAYS DON’T DIE!

One day when I was young, I met an old man who asked me “Hey kid, how hard is it to look where you’re going?” to which I responded “it’s easy as fuck when the view isn’t as ugly as you are.”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Have you ever taken one of those shits where you just know it can’t be good, then you look in the bowl and you’d be more scared if your asshole isn’t bleeding, and then you wipe a few times and run out of paper but that last wipe was pretty clean but you still think it would be a good idea to have a rinse, but you’re at work and there’s no showers and you can’t put your ass on the sink cause all your coworkers are gonna wonder what the fuck is wrong with you, and so you just say fuck it and carry on with the day and hope for the best? I did that just a few minutes ago, and it’s kind of liberating. Anyways, you’re not here to listen to shit jokes, you’re here to read about today’s Jason Ellis show! And that’s what I’m gonna tell you all about. The show started with Ellis talking about how sometimes it’s great to just forget what the hell you’re doing sometimes. Like starting your radio show as the man with no name and forgetting everything you intended to say. And about how voice altermacation machine would be way more fun if he could program the voices he wants to use instead of having to remember all of the settings and do a couple minutes of trial and error first. Somebody told Jason that this year’s EllisMania was gonna be the biggest one yet but the ticket sales aren’t convincing him. As much as Ellis would love to see all your beautiful sparkling faces there, he understands if you can’t make it or just don’t want to, and he doesn’t want to be a whore for the corporate dollar the way some people are. He seemed a little bummed at the numbers, but for somebody like me who dropped out of high school, numbers aren’t worth getting upset over for too long. He also talked about how if you’re having fun you never work a day in your life, and right now it’s kinda feeling like work. What’s really important is that the fans who always come are gonna have a fucking awesome time, and I’ll be there the whole weekend partying like the craziest sober mother fucker you ever seen. And there’s gonna be fights, and maybe another lesbian wedding and bro hugs all over the place and you might even see a hot mess of a woman get shit faced like they’re giving out seconds at communion and piss herself. It’s a good time folks, seriously. I make no money advertising this shit, so you can trust me. There was talk about market demographics and some other shit and Canada and punching European people. Tully has been having similar problems of having lots of shit to do and not enough hours in the day, but he’s a super dad so he pulls shit off. Good friend of the show Erika Ashley stopped by today, and it’s Rude Jude’s Australian birthday today, so I’m sure he’s having a great time ogling the fuck out of one of the few white girls he might have a chance with. Slash had a movie come out recently, and oddly enough it’s a slasher flick, and Rawdog was there too. But more importantly, SLASH was there, and sat right down next to Jason while the movie was playing. One of the guys from Korn, or possibly Bush was also there, but needless to say it was a good time for all. Rawdog brought his girlfriend to the movie too but had to do some serious vaginal convincing because she’s not a fan of scary movies and Slash has probably lived way too hard for this one not to be a humdinger. Erika Ashley and Rude Jude came in to chat with the guys for a bit about things and stuff. Jude sat in while Ellis made Erika do the Onnit “Look Good Naked” workout, and while I wasn’t there to watch I’m sure there was more than one raging erection happening in the studio today. This also led to some of the best/creepiest audio of a man talking to a woman that has probably ever been recorded without a script. But it gave me lots of good material for the next time I bang my girlfriend, like telling her “YEAH GIRL, YOU SMELL LIKE WET DOG, COME GET SOME!” and many other wonderful love noises. Erika is gonna be fighting three other girls at EllisMania 9 in a dizzy one armed fight. And Erika is still lesbian married to a Canadian from the last EllisMania. Jude is unfortunately not gonna be able to make it this year cause some dickhead friends of his are getting hitched and have no respect for someone else wanting to see comedy boxing and do drugs in Vegas all weekend. Rawdog on the other hand is sure to be there, and while he’s not officially single, his dick would love to make your acquaintance! The guys and gal talked about all the different ways the Tussin Wolf is gonna be rearranging his schedule to fuck any and every one that might be interested in him, his girlfriend, or any combination of the two, not specifically excluding anyone except other guys and Carrot Top, but that one is only because his penis doesn’t do prop comedy. To be fair though, we can’t prove that it doesn’t, we’ve just never seen it happen. While we ponder that, let’s take in some tasty beats and regroup real quick.

Some dude was in Zimbabwe staying at a fancy hotel and and on his first night there, he was awoken by the sound of his roomie SCREAMING HER FUCKING LUNGS OUT LIKE IT WAS A SEPULTURA CONCERT CAUSE THERE WAS AN 8 FOOT CROCODILE UNDER THE DUDE’S BED!!! Which is really pretty mellow, cause crocs like to be warm too and you shouldn’t have to be born into privilege to have a spot to stay UN-frosty. So, ESPN still has shitty announcers, especially when it comes to action sports. If you saw the X-Games, the athletes were going balls to your mum the whole fucking weekend, but the commentators could have just taken the whole thing as a vacation and kept all the questions they asked the celebrities to an Instagram comment. But in particular, Ellis was watching a surf competition this weekend and the talking heads at the event did the shittiest job filling the time between waves. It would have been more interesting to watch someone get dental work done. Long story short COME BACK SAL MASAKELA WE NEED YOU but I understand that there’s way bigger shit you can do and if ESPN doesn’t think you’re worth their time then fuck ’em. It makes you wonder what’s in the future for BMX kids and skaters and moto riders in the world of professional events and how badly TV is gonna do promoting it. My answer? Let’s have some of these over the hill shredders go renegade and pirate a bunch of local access channels with the help of Red Bull and Monster Energy (cause they’re the ones pumping most of the money into it these days anyway). Seriously, let’s have Tony Alva and Mike McGill and Steve Caballero pull some DIY shit and broadcast out of a basement with homemade movies again, like in the old days when nobody thought you were an idiot for wearing Vision Streetwear, and breaking into foreclosed homes to skate pools was the norm, and catalytic converters weren’t required on race bikes, and beer was beer, and Ronald Reagan was still the enemy, and fighting with the cops was a perfectly normal Friday night activity, and long time pros weren’t getting one-upped by rich kids whose parents can afford to send them to a camp where they’ll learn how to do a 1440 Christ air on a razor scooter. LET’S TAKE THIS SHIT BACK MOTHER FUCKERS! But I digress, cause the same thing is kinda true of other sports, and no matter what, somebody is pissed that grown ups can make good money doing high school activities for the rest of their lives. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, I just hope that when I have kids they learn how to get hurt and brush it off and smash shit and get along well squatting in an abandoned warehouse with a sketchy ramp and seven gutter punks. Or, we let reality TV have it all and keep your eyes out for the Ultimate Surfer this fall on FUZE. In the meantime, while our society is sorting it out, let’s all go kick the shit out of Daniel Tosh because Tosh.0 is dumber than a bag of hammers. And if Conan O’Brian stomps his liver into a fine slurry while the rest of us crush his skull with cinder blocks, all the better. And this is where Wilson Pendarvis comes in and shits all over metal dudes for being poor and/or cheap, except for metal whores because they convince their dudes to drop a few bucks on things like OzzFest and fresh leather when their shit starts getting worn out. Some dude called in to say that he likes Tosh.0 except for that part where it has Daniel Tosh. Somebody else called in to massage Ellis into asking Rob Dyrdek to advertise EllisMania and if Rob is any kind of real friend he’ll do it, but no hard feelings if he doesn’t, just don’t expect to have anywhere to hang out this thanksgiving. There were some more calls on stuff and things and cunts, and most of it was reasonably forgettable. But on the plus side, we can all look forward to Travis Pastrana’s retirement when he gets sponsored by Budweiser and becomes the funniest saddest alcoholic who ever lived. One lucky caller won the the grand prize threesome with Rawdog and Karla when he told the guys he’s working on getting his passport just so that he can come to Vegas for EllisMania. And if you’re blonde with huge fake tits, you don’t even need to call in, you’ve already won! Just go on up get yourself a piece, they’ll probably be staying in the paradise tower. While the guys sort out who’s gonna be on top, CUNT KICKER!!!

Our old pal Gabe Ruediger stopped by the show to prove that he does in fact have thumbs, not just a freakish five fingered hand with opposable digits to work things like the keys of a piano, or a victory at EllisMania 9. But really it’s all in good fun, we’re just ribbing, nobody really hates each other at EllisMania, except Riki Rachtman, but that guy had it coming. The guys took a few verbal swings at each other but deep down it’s clear that there’s no real bad blood between them, even though Gabe had a party by himself after taking a nap in front of a few thousand people last summer. Ellis called out Pendarvis for not washing his hairy ass properly and destroying whatever sweet aroma may have been left on Gabe’s chair after Tera Patrick visited the other day. Jason and Gabe rehashed the whole debate about the headgear and gloves from last time, and the general consensus was that Jason’s former manager can go smoke a dick. Gabe may or may not be working on a secret punch that will be like an atom bomb wrapped in brand new Hayabusa 16 oz. gloves, but that has yet to be confirmed by Rawdog and his girlfriend when Gabe gets the consolation prize of an awkward, semi-Jewish threesome with them. But in all seriousness, It’s gonna be a hell of a match, and no more ice cream sandwich jokes, shit is gonna be popping off this year. Allegedly. Maybe, I don’t know. I’ll be there, I can tell you all about it when I recap the Tuesday after. All I can say for sure is that anyone could be on steroids, especially Nick Swardson, so if you see him rappel from the rafters with a battleaxe and start swinging like it was the 1300’s all over again, then we know the weekend is gonna be a success. Before Gabe left the studio, he took a test run at the punch machine and decided to be a total vag about it and not give it the cheese like everyone else who came in, even the people who can’t punch for shit. But we’ll get the real test on October 12th, so stay tuned until then. The guys took some phone calls and once again it was mostly forgettable shit, except the one guy who posed the question that you could have sex with anyone you want, but John Madden would appear and do a play by play on it, would you still do it? We remember that guy because he deserves to be kicked in the head by a mule, if he hasn’t been already.

One of the players for the Baltimore Ravens whose been out on injury for a while, recently injured himself again while he was on a party bus with a couple of his fellow players and some ladies of the night. No, his injury isn’t herpes, but instead, a fucking giant bottle of champagne got swung upside his head by a stripper named Sweet Pea, which is the god damn lamest injury ever, if only for the bitch’s name. So shout out to the Baltimore Ravens, it’s great to know that you can all plow through a bunch of full grown farm fed guys on the field but every single one of you would be on queer street the second some hoodrat cracks you in the dome with a magnum of “Ace Of Spades” champagne that she only asked for cause Jay-Z told her to drink it. In other NFL news, Tully found a story about one of the Arizona Cardinals who lost a chunk of his middle finger covering a tackle on a punt return. In other news, if you’re a lady, and a waitress, and you get on a bus wearing your work uniform, IT’S LEGAL FOR US TO SEE YOUR TITTIES AND GET A LAP DANCE CAUSE YOU’RE A BUS WAITRESS!!! You’ll get way better tips than you will working at Chili’s! Oprah almost had a nervous breakdown last year, but that’s probably just because she’s Oprah and shit is always a problem when you’re Oprah, but seriously, it’s just because she was busy as fuck, y’know being Oprah and calling racism on some Swiss mother fucker that may or may not have been true. She realized she was losing her shit when she was interviewing the Kony 2012 documentary guy who got “dehydrated” and ended up getting arrested for being drunk and naked and obscene in public and making a documentary that didn’t actually give anyone any new or correct information, and Oprah started feeling like that kind of behavior just made perfect sense. In happier news, some guy performed CPR on a baby wallaby in the outback after some wild dogs chased it into a creek and it started to drown. Sure, maybe after ten minutes it seems like your just fellating a marsupials head, but if you get the added bonus of saving an animals life then you just go on ahead and molest away. Final calls started rolling in and it may not have been said during the show but even YOU could get in on the EllisMania 9 Corduroy cock fest happening in Rawdog’s room featuring his girlfriend and a special invite for blondes with knockers, repeat BLONDES WITH SOME TIG OL’ BITTIES ARE EXTREMELY INVITED. Some guy called to say that he also lost a chunk of his finger playing football, but he’s still got enough left over to put a bowling ball grip on Rumble McTumble and his girlfriend. And apparently this shit is a lot more common than we all realize, cause there were a couple folks that called in with stories about hands getting caught in the face guards and under everybody during a tackle and puling back fewer digits than they entered with. Some guy in the UK cut his balls off and then harassed a wedding while it was in progress, only to show up too late to make the ceremony not happen. There were more calls and stuff, and they were alright, quite friendly and not much stupid bullshit, except for the guy who believed his girlfriend when she said she had a hysterectomy and was examining his jizz with a microscope after he fired one off inside her. To be fair though, that girl has a touch of the cray-cray if she’s gonna go all CSI on your cum even though she no longer has the parts necessary to make a human life out of it. And also fuck Boone for calling over and over and bringing up the Chyna thing again even though nobody fucking cares anymore. Some elementary school in Connecticut is in hot water right now for taking kids on a field trip and reenacting American slavery, n-bombs and all. And that’s it, so if you haven’t got your tickets yet for Ellismania, don’t even bother cause the fights outside Rawdog’s girlfriend’s vagina are gonna be way more epic.

There was a friend of mine when I was young who used to always wear a wig every day. One day when we were walking home from school I asked him why. He told me “because it goes great with these heels and I can make a lot more money at the bus stop before I head back to the house”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Guys, I gotta pose a question to you. This stems from a conversation I had with someone on twitter the other day. The question is, who do you think would win, vampires or zombies? There was some good back and forth the first time I thought about it, but what do you think? And what if it was werewolves VS. zombies? We can’t ask the werewolves VS vampires question because that’s already been answered, the winner is the first one to get their penis into the other guys shit locker (thank you Twilight for spoiling that one for everybody). But these are questions worth asking, cause god dammit there might be a lot of money to be made gambling on a showdown like that, and then you could get a bunch of coked out vampire bitches to “suck you dry” if you know what I mean. Anyway, I’ll let you guys mull it over for a bit, until then, enjoy this recap that has nothing to do with classic horror movie monsters. Jason started the show talking about how Australians say hello and how it kinda sucks not having people you can call family in your formative years, but if you find something that makes you wanna kick ass and take names and smash shit and take no prisoners and shoot a load all over someone in their sleep, you’re gonna be A-OK. Tully admits that if it weren’t for spite, he’d have no reason to get up in the morning. Somehow they started talking about all the old Beatles movies and Yoko Ono is still a cunt, but at least she’s crazy and talks mad shit about her dead husband who’s monumental band she broke up, but whatever, shit’s all good. The guys talked for a while about how Yoko is the harbinger of Satan and according to Rawdog she’s underrated but this is from a guy who doesn’t think a fast food diet will cause kidney stones. Then he started rattling off names of experimental musicians who the rest of us probably couldn’t give a fuck about, but this point was quickly countered by the fact that just cause you call it art doesn’t mean that anybody’s required to give a fuck. The guys talked music history and shit for a while, and if I was the type who constantly needs to have more degrees to everything than is really necessary, I would have been paying very close attention, but since I just like what I like and try not to be an authority on things, just play free bird and be done with it. Rude Jude stopped by to back up the point that not only does Yoko suck but she also ripped off her schtick from listening to John Lennon’s scream therapy sessions. Jude dropped more of his musical knowledge about stuff and the guys all chatted about future plans for the new studio. Jude is slowly but surely coming around to the new West coast Sirius/XM digs, and no longer feels like he’s dressed too nicely to come to work. Ellis had to take a detour to get to work today and he ended up on some back road that was so gouged out that he very well could have busted something under the Church of Haden’s Porsche. And hopefully, after the Porsche dealer shoots their load all over Ellis’ bank account, he might be able to get the city of Los Angeles to go out and fix the pothole, but not a god damn cent towards the car. Jude told a story about how his little sister got hit by a post office truck and it ended up costing her $35,000 to have other people’s mail delivered to her away from home. Ellis has been trying to take better care of himself lately, like not stressing out so much and getting to sleep on time and keeping the right foot from getting too heavy on the gas pedal because the roads in southern California are fucked. Luckily though, if you really aspire to be some sort of successful fighter, all you gotta do is tap into years of childhood trauma and let that rage fuel you to snap a mother fucker in half. And if you’ve got a self righteous bitch of an ex-wife, well then that’s just all the better. Jude has grown enough that he can understand when not to get bent out of shape about things, and when to take the ultimate control of a situation and get the fuck out if it’s so fucking terrible. Rawdog almost got raped after Jude made this statement, because he’s not the type to react quickly to situations you should get out of. And Tully was able to learn how to handle stress from getting a whole crew of doctors ogle his wonderful Oxford educated balls. Tully lucked out getting a Japanese girl too, cause the McGook baby is at a much lower risk of getting cancer because that’s how Japan rolls, prime stock human DNA with better disease resistance. Unfortunately, the Irish are right near the top in terms of worldwide cancer statistics, so maybe that redheaded almond eyed boy is doomed to suffer for months on end of medical treatments that don’t solve shit. I may be making jokes, but a guy who brings his car to my shop passed away from melanoma a couple weeks ago and I just found out today, and he was a pretty good guy, so maybe I’ll just say this recap is dedicated to him. But hey, more talk about stress and shitty memories can bring anybody out of a funk, as long as it’s someone else doing it and being funny about it. The intern may be a wonderful young lady, but sucks at bringing in tacos when requested to do so. It could have something to do with Rawdog’s molester face which goes completely unchecked when Wilson is out of town. Sam Rubin, who’s going to be fighting Tera Patrick at EllisMania 9, may also be on board with the Asian persuasion, at least the guys think so because he was interviewing one at some red carpet thing and looked like he was about to dishonor her entire family on live TV or something, but Tully was fully on board with this, cause the only way to keep whitey from going extinct due to cancer would be to start diluting them with the superior eastern stock. Jude doesn’t understand what the attraction is, but that’s OK cause most people don’t believe he’s a white guy, probably because he’s just too ethnic to fall into line with the rest of honky kind. The guys decided to have Jude win a date with a white girl at EllisMania and report back on whether or not dat booty smell good doe, so keep an eye out for somebody getting blown under the announcer’s table ringside at The Joint. And while we’re waiting to see this spectacle of white on white crime, how about some Ghostface?

MONKEY BUSINESS MOTHER FUCKERS!!! THEY HAVEN’T STOPPED PLANNING JUST CAUSE WE HAVEN’T BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT THAT MUCH!!! In a little Thai village outside of Bangkok, there’s a village where people are making the worst mistake imaginable and ALLOWING A PACK OF MACAQUES’S TO LIVE AMONG THEM IN A THINLY VEILED PEACE THAT IS SURE TO END IN BLOODSHED because the monkeys have been raiding homes and attacking townspeople at night, stealing food and drugs and even stupid crap like vegetable oil and rice cookers, basically they’re like gremlins but with superhuman strength and no regard for personal space. BUT WAIT FOLKS, SHIT IS WAY WORSE THAN YOU THINK!!! AND ONCE AGAIN PROVING WE NEED TO LOP OFF FLORIDA LIKE A GANGRENOUS TOE there’s a bunch of wild monkeys roaming the everglades passing around the social disease known as HERPES! And you can blame some shithead tour guide who let the animals loose in the first place, but on the plus side it may get rid of everybody in Florida who is fucking up the curve for the rest of us. The guys talked for a bit about shoving a microphone in Rawdog’s ass due to Jason not being able to hit a high note without blowing out everyone’s home speakers. Tully brought gloves and Ellis brought focus mitts and Tussin Wolf is gonna start training TODAY for a fight that will be happening in a few weeks, provided Nick Swardson doesn’t get pulled in too many directions from all the cocaine and vampire hookers he’s gotta burn through in the days leading up to his birthday weekend. Ellis is really working his ass off this year for the whole event, to the point that he’s having stress dreams that he needs to tell his therapist about. Jason is doing a lot to keep everything together so that he can still be a dad and be an awesome mother fucker too, not just some guy that actually takes care of his kids, although that is an achievement in itself nowadays. Also, he’s been having a lot of memories about his dad and lots of other shit coming back lately, and it fucks with him but it drives him too, but it also drives him to not want to do things, it’s a whole complicated web of stuff that I’d probably need to go to college to understand. But the wing is working it out, as only the seventh greatest skateboarder in the world can. There was some talk about whether Death!Death!Die should open for Metallica and as cool as that would be, it’s probably never gonna happen. However, it might be possible to get Jesus Christ and Barack Obama to sit for a private show, that would be pretty cool. There was more melancholy about the job and the show and the definition of success and the fear of it, but it’s nothing the rest of us haven’t gotten to thinking about at some point or another. And then Jason started telling the story of how he snapped his tailbone off at the Plan B ramp with Colin MacKay and how there’s still a big ol’ calcium deposit floating around inside his pelvis. But deep down it was all about motivation and getting off your ass (best term I could think of) and doing something with yourself. And on a less metaphysical note, Chanel from Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory/Ridiculousness might be stopping by the show tomorrow to talk about things and stuff and maybe have a dose of Rawdog’s molester face dropped on her. Ellis has been thinking about how his kids are gonna grow up and having them get into something so they can have goals and be successful, but he also worries about what might be hereditary, cause of all the things he remembers about his own parents. Luckily we have Tully, and he’s the voice of reason for the most part, so he was able to keep Jason from freaking out too much, but at the core of it, it’s just Ellis wanting to make sure his kids have it better than he did, and that’s how parents should be. After all this parenting talk, we finally got around to a nice little training session with the Dog and he’s probably gonna catch a few good ones before Nick Swardson gasses out, but should have enough in him to fire back properly, provided he doesn’t go into kangaroo mode like all those other times we were hoping to see a good fight and ended up watching an afternoon kids show. Tully tried to feed the fire a bit and promised that Rawdog could suck off and rim all of Radiohead if he just trains hard enough to hit a 64 on the punch pad, and although Josh said he wasn’t interested, I think we all heard a little lift in his voice just imagining that scenario. Jason decided to go the other route and instituted the oral rape approach, where after a couple one-twos, if you can’t get away you’re gonna catch an angry blow job. And in remembering EllisManias past, let’s take a breather and listen to Shave My Friends Tonight to get us pumped for this next one.

After coming back, Rawdog started having made up memories about last week when they were kind of play sparring in the studio and he seems to think Ellis cracked him a couple times, but of course you can’t learn if you don’t get hurt, so even if it never happened, it was worth it just for the experience. And in a complete surprise appearance B-Real from Cypress Hill stopped by to shoot the shit for a while. Since the last time he was on the show, he’s been getting fit without having to put the bong away, which is probably not as hard as it sounds. Of course, you can still show up on stoner time, especially if your stoner crew doesn’t tell you that the radio show you’re supposed to be on has moved to a different studio. But at least that’s not as bad of a look as going to the gym all the time being the chunky dude smashing huge weights, when everybody else is actually getting fit doing cardio and crossfit and a mix of other shit. And if you’re a fan of booty, you should get into crossfit, according to B-Real, and he would definitely know a thing or two about some booty. The guys talked about crossfit and how scary it can be to fuck a bodybuilding lady, but even if it’s terrifying, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea. And if you really want it, and you really believe in smashing that poon tang, you will make it happen. The guys talked training and the fights that happened over the weekend and shit like that. B-Real isn’t impressed with most of the boxers these days, cause so many of them probably train with an iPhone duct taped to their massively self important erection trying to watch a video on how to slip and turn, whereas back in the old days when they did 150 round fights and people died or retired poor as fuck, god dammit that’s when people had to learn how to fight. But B-Real is definitely gonna back Mayweather, cause he’s a Cypress Hill fan and that does trump a lot of things you might not want to like him for. B-Real is also an innovator, he just recently came up with an invention that’s a reusable glass tip for you to stick your joint in so you don’t get that cardboard taste from tearing off the top of a matchbook to get all the way to the end. And if you’re a weed smoking fan, it’s worth checking out, so go to phunkyfeeltips.com and get high as a motherfucker without having to cut up your bus pass. and check out breal.tv if you got any spare time, cause he does shit there too. And they don’t discriminate, they have skaters and musicians and fighters (OH MY!!!) all doing shit and being awesome. Before he left we got a round at the punch pad and he scored a respectable 63, landing him at a dead tie with Ken Block and Sebastian Bach. Then he tried it with his left hand and scored dead even with his right hand. And if that wasn’t enough, it’s confirmed that we will be seeing B-Real at EllisMania. And if you’re really feeling adventurous, you can see if he’ll help you perform a chronic colonic. Until then, grab some snacks and try to rejoin reality for a minute while we hear some smooth tunes.

GUYS THERE’S REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF YOU GOTTA KNOW ABOUT YOUR COCK!!! Over in the UK, a guy got into a fight over the price of a bag of crisps or some such shit, and in the whole scuffle, somehow this dude got his knob chomped down on really hard, the crazy part of this story is that the biter only had about two teeth (cause he was British) but was still able to chomp down hard enough that the cock was separated from the body! Just goes to show that you really can’t trust whitey. There was some more jaw jacking and shit, Jason shot down New Music Tuesday so thank fucking Christ for that, the guys did some Wolfknife names for a few people and almost named one of them Yoko but then decided against it cause Yoko is a cunt and doesn’t deserve that kind of respect as being parodied in some afternoon radio show host’s fake scooter gang, then there were a couple of news stories and some final calls and I’m running out of time to finish this fucking recap before the live show, so I’ll just cut it off here and say that YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT WHEN SOMEONE STARTS TALKING TO YOU ON THE PHONE THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY SOMETHING BACK and bla-blah-blah-blah stay off the corner folks, cause crack kills but heroin will make you not care what the crack is doing.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Huh? What? Fuck you, you mean I gotta take a break from my internet porn addiction and do something productive? Well then what the hell did I show up to work for? So many god damn questions and the answers will drive you crazy before bringing any internal peace. But hey, it’s lunch time and there’s lots of good places to eat near work, plus we’ve got THE KING OF THE WEST to make the time go by a little faster. So let’s get into it, shall we? Ellis started the show FROM HIS NEW STUDIO WHICH IS MUCH FURTHER FROM RAWDOG’S HOUSE THAN THE OLD ONE SO HE GETS TO TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF HIS NEW TOYOTA PRIUS’S AWESOME GAS MILEAGE talking about how the new studio is not set up the way the old one is, and although it’s way better, it lacks that “lived in” charm. But hey the soundproofing is awesome, they can actually hear the phones ringing out in their new green room/prize chamber/mobile crime scene. And the microphones sound funny and Josh was kinda fading in and out and I got mentioned for reporting it and there were sound level issues but fuck it, it’s tuesday, they have four more days before the weekend to twist the nipples till it squeals just right. And there’s a funny corporate, hospitally kind of smell but that just means you take your job seriously even though none of them do cause they worked at SwingHouse for the last eight years. Just kidding guys, we all know you take your job seriously. Except for Josh. And Rude Jude could probably take it or leave it but would get by just fine without. But on the plus side, everybody has a parking space and their own knob!!! And when Pendarvis tried to talk to the guys nobody listening at home could hear all the racist, sexist, hillbilly shit that normally comes flowing out of his mouth when he doesn’t think anyone’s listening. The guys tried taking a phone call and the phone works great, just a loose nut on the other end of the line. And everybody on twitter was kinda bummed out that the door doesn’t squeak anymore and you can’t hear the traffic and construction crews outside. Jason has gotten horribly addicted to that Mio water flavoring stuff mixed with Perrier water and Will said he’d bring him a case of both for a blowy after the show. Jason declined and started sorting out the audio levels for the button bar and voice altermacation machine and then yelled at Pendar for not having them all organized in advance. So basically, the guys just spent the early part of the show nesting and marking their territories with NO CHOTCHKI’S, so blood, piss and cumshots are all over the walls and it’s only day one. And then we heard Shannon ShenanigunzGunz Gunz panting loudly while Tom Hanks yelled the name “Wilson” over and over again, like he’s fucking her and thinking of a volleyball with a hand print on it. Jason toyed with the idea of having a hidden camera reality show where he would have Metallica sneak up on people and belt out the opening from Master of Puppets on the unsuspecting victims. Then the guys started cooking up ideas about having metal bands go perform for remote tribes that have never seen electricity. After talking a while about Andrew W.K. smashing himself in the face with a brick, the guys started contemplating what it would be like if the Jews hadn’t caused humanity to evolve with protruding noses. And anthropomorphic shit like having a six inch prehensile nose and how it would probably look like a cock, but you could totally be that much lazier when you eat buffalo wings, plus you could make one of the best sad faces ever by letting your trunk-cock-nose droop and sway when you get bummed out. And with all this talk of dick, the guys couldn’t help but notice that they now have a mirrored ceiling. So if anybody’s gonna be doing some fucky fucky before heading home for the day, they’ve got their own porno set to do it in. And there’s a great view from the new place too! Right down every female guest’s top when you look in the mirrored ceiling! And out to some hills and shit too but that’s really secondary to tits. And while we’re on the subject of tits, the next Corey Feldman extravaganza may include a live edition of the Jason Ellis show! And maybe they can finally figure out what REALLY killed Corey Haim. Rawdog and Pendarvis got into an argument about proper nutrition after Josh “heard” will say something about eating fruit off of corn starch, because that’s totally normal and a great way to get one serving each of two of the more important food groups, all at once. And god damn if they dind’t think of the best collaboration project/cover song ever, but we may hear Death!Death!Die! covering Corey Feldman’s “Ascension Millenium” cause what better way to drag that song out of the acid bath than to have a comedy metal band cover it? Granted, it’s a fucking awesome comedy metal band, I’m just saying, it’s not like Rhianna’s gonna try to bring that spotlight back around to you. Not nearly as well as Alien Ant Farm did when they covered that has been Michael Jackson. And on that note, time for the first break in the new digs so the boys can collectively smash some shit and make the place their own.

So here’s a question for you, if one of your favorite bands was talking some internet shit about one of your other favorite bands, would you propose a musical death match to determine once and for all which one is truly the master of their domain? Well, Rob Flynn from Machine Head was giving Avenged Sevenfold a bit of friendly ribbing about their new album. He gave a quick review of their new album including a few ball busters and a top ten list of what he considered the best jokes he could write about them. And since a couple of the jokes maybe weren’t that funny, maybe it’s fair to say that Avenged is not a joke of a band and has earned the respect of another guy who’s a pretty impressive force in the world of metal. Tully, being the intellectual powerhouse of musical knowledge that he is, broke it all down in a way that made everyone stay friends and we all gathered round the burning trash can, cooked up a bit o’ the old black tar heroin, and made s’mores while sacrificing a goat. Apparently the new A7X album has a lot of songs where you can pick bits and pieces out and find exactly where they got the vibe from a bunch of classic metal congs, but what’s really important is that if it’s catchy, and hot freaky metal chicks will fuck you for playing it, and maybe you can make a few million bucks doing it, well then why the fuck wouldn’t you? They’ve even admitted that they are doing their best to make music that is true to metal’s roots, so really, there’s no reason to talk any shit, cause nobody else is doing synchronized lead breaks anymore cause the kids would rather hear Dan Fogelberg shit his lungs out all over Woodstock nine. The guys talked music and about all the stuff they liked for a while, and made a point to shit all over a lot of people who have legitimately sucked for most of their careers. Tully has been a great co-host and has been keeping a list of all the stuff they might want to add to the next EllisMania just to put the cherry on top of the whole event. So far, they’re still looking for a fill in singer for the D!D!D! concert, no word from Tera Patrick on how badly she’s gonna skull fuck Sam Rubin, Little Miss Jason Ellis contest (which I’m almost considering entering), Wilson Pendarvis Butt-Judging (it’s not rape, but it could be) and of course the last few bits of cannon fodder to wander into the ring for all the multi-competitor fights. But luckily, we all know that Gabe Ruediger is gonna be training like Rocky 6 for the whole event. And while we’re on the subject, science thinks they’ve finally figured out what makes men shitty fathers, and in case you guessed wrong, it’s them big old flapping testicles you got. That’s why you’re a shitty parent. So if you’ve got huge balls, just be ready now for your son to get arrested for robbing a liquor store and your daughter to appear in a future spank video purchase. I’m just trying to warn you guys, if you got nuts so big you could ride them like a mini horse, it’s probably a good idea not to let them get anybody pregnant. We got enough shithead kids out there without you fucking up the curve even more than your kind already have. There was some more idle chit-chat and shit and talk of fanciful future adventures for the show and it’s crew, but for now, how about some Avenged Sevenfold?

There was a guy in Michigan who’s house was about to get torn down and he got the bright idea to switch the number on his house with the guy next door, AND GOD DAMN IF IT DID’NT WORK LIKE A FUCKING CHARM!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHHA But seriously that’s fucked up, cause everybody in the neighborhood wanting that shithole gone and it was coming close to being a crackhouse anyway so it was due to be razed in a somewhat biblical fashion. BUT THAT SHIT MEANS NOTHING BECAUSE THE JEWISH CLAWS ARE BACK TO RIP YOUR EARDRUMS APART WITH A ROUSING EDITION OF NEW MUSIC TUESDAY THAT PROBABLY WILL NOT BE WORTH AS MUCH FANFARE AS I’M GIVING IT BUT WE WILL STILL LISTEN CAUSE SOMETHING BETTER WILL HAPPEN AFTERWARDS!!! Probably. Good time to have a stretch and grab a snack folks, just saying. First one we heard today was a new joint by 2Chainz and Ellis nixed it before plying one note because 2Chainz can suck a barrel full of cock. And then Ellis saw a picture of himself next to Oprah so I think we all know who our next target is. And then Wilson came in to fix the CD player so that we could actually listen to the rest of new music Tuesday and the townspeople rejoiced. Tully broke in for a second to play a bluegrass cover of Metallica’s Enter Sandman and I heard this on the internet yesterday and god dammit it was actually pretty good, and that’s from somebody who fucking despises bluegrass. Oh, and we heard 2Chainz and it was a waste of studio time for everyone involved. After that we heard the new one from the Arctic Monkeys and Britain still hasn’t recovered from Oasis breaking up, so this is the best they got. It wasn’t terrible, but nothing I’d try to pay for *cough cough bring back limewire cough cough*. Next up we got to hear Keith Urban being an Australian cowboy and having a hairstyle that would work if you’re not a cowboy or Australian. After that was some guy named Willis Earl Beale doing a bluesey number and after recording twenty seconds of tuning his guitar and a sound sample of some shit that Gnarls Barkley might have already recorded, we got to hear some proper blues vocals which tied it together fairly well. Next was one of the singles from Rise Against’s new b-sides and covers album and if anybody could cover Any way you want it by Journey better, well you’re welcome to try and fight four angry anarchist vegans from Chicago to see if you’re right. Then we got a taste of MIA doing whatever incredibly worldly hipsterish thing she’s doing now, so that’s what that was. Then we all collectively wished the dick punching machine would have made it’s way to the new studio, but that remains to be seen at the moment. After that we heard what is supposed to be the farewell offering from Ministry and it may not ding a lang dang your dang long ling long but it would be worth checking out the rest of the album. And if I’m the only person who knows what Ministry song I just quoted, then you can all go fuck yourselves cause I’m gonna go hang myself in a broom closet. Next up we got to hear 14 Karat and as far as rap goes these days it had a nice strong dose of funk, but it took way too long to get to the lyrics so fuck it, next one, which was the new single from Boy/Head featuring THE LEGENDARY Kim Gordon from THE LEGENDARY Sonic Youth and if you liked Sonic Youth you probably wrecked a perfectly good pair of draws when you cum and shat all over yourself, but to the rest of us it was just indie rock. After that was a suggestion from the intern Jetta, for a band called Moving Mountains and it had some wonderful undertones of being born with a silver spoon and a paper plate in front of you while you were being fed caviar and Wonderbread. Next up was some dude who calls himself The Weekend and if you’re into abstract hipster shit that would be really good mixed with a little bit of cocaine and molly, then you’ll love this shit. And finally for Rawdog’s pick of the week we heard the new single by Janelle Monet and if that name sounds familiar, it’s because for no clear reason at all, her name was plastered all over a Sonos iPod speaker commercial where herself and a family of black hipsters (who I must remind you, do not exist, because their blackness is too great and powerful to let them become something as lame as hipsters) are all dancing in their living room on a carpet that is actually a sheet of Bermuda grass all dressed in their Sunday best like they just got back from a wedding or some shit. And lemme just say, this track would probably not be on anybody’s radar without a guest appearance from Erykah Badu, cause it’s the same shit we’ve been hearing on the R&B pop stations for a long fucking time. But on the plus side, it has brought Rawdog around to the side of all white men who really wanna bang a black girl at some point in their life, so go get him ladies.

So if you troll all the news websites you might have come across a video of Eminem doing an interview during a college football halftime show where they played the new video for his song Berzerk and found him looking a little spacey and nonchalant in most of his answers, almost like he’d rather just make music and not do press junkets, OR MAYBE HE’S BACK ON THE PILLS but maybe he just hates being interviewed by sports announcers that have no business doing music interviews. Wilson came in to help sort out more of the technical difficulties like making the voice altermacation machine work and the guys played around with that for a while. We also got to find out that Dingo was a great baby and his mom doesn’t suck the cock, but we all have moms and we’ve all had or been a girl at some point or another so we know that can’t possibly be true. While sorting out the voice machine issues, i was revealed that during testing before the show, Jason caught Wilson practicing with the voice machine and saying some shit that was just epic. We got a dramatic reenactment from the man himself and that was pretty wonderful. Pendar as an 18-65 year old slutty chick is pretty fucking funny. And then trying to transition from old lady back to young is kinda scary in that really whorish in a bad way kind of vibe. Then Will just started playing with all the buttons and changing voices mid sentence and we landed on the Intergalactic Pervert, who is quite possibly the next big thing in special guest appearances. Ever wonder which non actor on air personality makes the most money in TV today? You might be shocked to know that it’s Judge Judy, who is pulling down a staggering $47 million in afternoon courtroom reality money that I have to believe is probably at least in part paid by taxpayers so that she can re-up on her Geritol and disposable catheters. If I haven’t said it yet today, YOU let this happen America, YOU. LET. THIS. HAPPEN. Just gotta make sure we’re clear on that. Josh tried to break in with a story about Apple and some new announcement they had about upgrading Siri but it still won’t give you a blowjob and costs a fuckload more than it should for what is technologically a tricycle. And besides, Siri is a lying fucking cunt, so BURN IN HELL STEVE JOBS! That may be going a little far, how about we just lynch Ashton Kutcher for playing him in that movie? We cool on that? Sweet. Gwyneth Paltrow got caught on video riding a Vespa with her daughter on the back and dicing shit up in traffic like she would be really happy to have one less mouth to feed, so shout out to the most beautiful woman and best parent in the world. Shoebox came b to check out the new digs and he was so impressed with it he just had to show up in his pajamas for such an auspicious occasion. There was some discussion of how the place was gonna be decorated and how bad it probably is gonna get wrecked once somebody breaks down and decides to start making good use of that porn studio ceiling. Shoebox is lucky enough to live right around the corner from the new studio so he can stroll over pretty much whenever he wants to double bass the shit out of something and overmodulate the voice levels. The guys talked about how great it’s gonna be being the crazy guys in the corporate building, high fiving everybody when they get off the elevator and being way too pumped about the work day. But on the plus side, the valet is a great kid. There was some debate about where honey comes from when Josh made the statement that bees are full of honey, but not quite, it’s the byproduct of bees who are bulimic. In the process of the debate, it was found that this is one of those rare times when the dog is actually not as far off as he normally is. Apparently it’s a whole big process where bees are actually all swapping vomit like one of the more fucked up Greek orgies from way back in the day, so score half of one for the Tussin Wolf. The guys took some phone calls about vasectomies, fucked up album covers, everybody’s wife shitting on them, if and when the Ellis channel is going to happen, Rawdog riding a bike, and a whole lot of congratulations on the new studio. Cue the Enter The Dragon theme song aaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd……….

SCENE!

In my youth, there was a wise old man in my neighborhood who used to walk around dispensing knowledge to anyone who passed. He would say things like “Help me out with a little change, man”, a touching reminder of how the good nature of humanity is falling by the wayside, and “Fuckin’ pigs took my suitcase, I had all my shit in it!” to remind us all that greed was the quickest path to self destruction. One day, he stopped me and said “Hey kid, you gotta buy this fax machine off me real quic before somebody comes looking for it” and as I pondered the deeper meaning of this request, seven guys hopped out of a Chevy Suburban with one of the windows broken out and proceeded to stomp his internal organs into a fine gruel.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

I swear to Christ, every time I go on vacation shit just falls apart without me, the shop is all disorganized, I’ve got promo materials all over my desk, paperwork isn’t done right, we got a WOMAN writing recaps for us, dogs and cats living together, IT’S MASS HYSTERIA I TELL YOU!!! But on the plus side, I got to drink lots of Tim Horton’s coffee and get all up in some sweet sweet Canadian tang all week, so I’d call it a win. But that’s not what’s important, what’s important is that it’s time for the Jason Ellis show and I’m gonna give you a nice essay about why my lunchtime would suck without it! Ready? I SAID ARE YOU READY?!?!?! FUCK YOU I SAID ARE YOU READY?!??!?!!?! *Ahem* sorry that’s just my vaginal mesh lawsuit acting up again. Probably cause I still haven’t gotten my settlement from that whole Olestra anal seepage thing yet. Anyways, the show started off today with Ellis complimenting himself on how well he can sing when they played the “New York” intro cause the guys are in NEW YORK! And then there were also volume level problems and some guy set off the fire alarm so all in all a great start. And a chick with big fat titties was walking around so not a whole lot to complain about this tuesday. Ellis was considering getting his nails done instead of visiting one of the jack off booths cause he didn’t bring nail clippers cause the TSA is pretty much unnecessary and solves almost nothing except making me feel like a child molester every time I slide that tray with my wallet and shoes through the X-Ray machine. On the plus side, Tully also forgot his nail clippers but brought a nice cache of fun fun fun prescriptions through so the plane ride would be way more colorful. And even though Tully is a super dad he’d ring your baby’s neck like a rubber chicken if it so much as breathes loud on a plane. Having just got off a flight in San Francisco from Toronto last night after having to get bumped to a different flight for delays and standing in line at the ticket counter and customs for almost two fucking hours, I can safely say that AIR CANADA YOU ROCK FOR HAVING HEADSET TV’S THAT WILL ACCEPT A REGULAR SET OF HEADPHONES AND A USB CHARGING PORT AT EVERY SEAT!!! SHOUT OUT TO YOU AIR CANADA!!! Ellis knows how hard it is to travel with kids and tries to be responsible about it, but you can’t always help it when your kids decide to piss all over something or just need to yell it out or honestly can’t wait for some apple juice. Cullen was live in New York and Rawdog was live in Los Angeles today, and it’s incredibly likely that the LA studios look like a scene from that movie “Blow” only instead of cocaine it’s McNuggets. Rawdog got a bunch of chores and errands and shit done this weekend in his all new Toyota Prius, getting incredible mileage off of that eco-friendly cock in his rectum. Ellis got off the plane wearing his pajama pants and promptly lost his phone in a cab on his way to the studio, but luckily some good Samaritan found it and met up with him to give it back RIGHT AT THE LOCATION WHERE JOHN LENNON WAS SHOT! And luckily there were no repeats of the same kind of activity while Ellis was there. The biggest concern Jason had about losing his phone is that while it was turned off for the plane ride, Katie sent him a shitload of naked pics to keep him from having a need for the jack off booth and god dammit those pictures were EARNED! Rude Jude stopped by the LA studio to sit in with Rawdog and was quickly prompted to shut the fuck up in exchange for monkey business or pretty much anything else. But getting back to the guy that found Jason’s phone, it was some 66 year old Dominican Jew with a 20 year old girlfriend and a thick British accent and lots of stories to tell, whether or not you want him to. According to this guy that 20 year old virgin tang was exquisite when he got around to tearing into it the first time after a few dates. And according to all laws of human decency, nobody wants to hear an old man telling stories about having sex with a girl who was in grade school when I was already a few years deep in the work force. But that didn’t stop this guy from whipping out a pair of her used panties and rubbing it all over Ellis’ receipt for the cab ride. And just to up the creepy factor, Pendarvis slipped in to the conversation get a couple good tugs in before a vengeful god smote him for his carnal sins. Ellis is gonna be doing all kinds of meetings and stuff while he’s in New York to try and get a little more funding for the show and suckle at the corporate teats, as is required from time to time when you want to move ahead in your life. The guys talked a bit about how sketchy it is to be in the park at night in the city. Tully said he tried to sleep in the park with some friends and after getting spotted by the cops rolling a joint and scoping out huge titty magazines, the cops didn’t even look twice, but a little later, they were walking around and gangs had that place staked out like prison. The guys talked about the housing market in New York and how Dakota Fanning sure got off easy getting John Lennon’s old apartment for about $7 million and how most of the really fucking sweet places to live are being bought up by rich people in other countries. Ellis has been working on his cardio and trying not to take any days off that he doesn’t need to, and Gabe is still talking mad shit like EllisMania was a legitimate organization and not just twenty drunken shitheads and a few special guests. Jason is feeling pretty good though, he’s gotten into the ring enough times to know pretty well what his abilities are. Lord Sear was walking around the SiriusXM New York studios in a half woken stupor slowly dying of poor circulation and labored breathing, and speaking of labored breathing, Tully went out of his hotel to have a cigarette and some guy was talking very loudly on his cell phone about the AMAZING cocaine that he has, and if Tully didn’t have a day job and a life to get back to, he would have certainly bought some AMAZING cocaine. Pendarvis chimed in with his own story about how one time he answered his phone and some young ladies were listening over his shoulder and mocking him, but then started talking about buying heroin, so he countered back by telling the guy he was on the phone with that he had a whole backpack full of wonderful delicious heroin. Oh but Tully’s not done yet, after finishing his smoke with the AMAZING cocaine guy, some English guy walked up and the AMAZING cocaine guy ran right over to him and tried to sell him some AMAZING cocaine, cause apparently it really was AMAZING cocaine. Ellis went and saw Danzig the other day and was shocked at how ripped Doyle is. And also, he was shocked at the fact that Glenn Danzig is a tubby midget with absolutely no ass whatsoever. It’s crazy how our rock stars age, isn’t it? All in all though, Danzig hasn’t let a life of murder and Satan worship slow him down though, the show was still awesome and god damn that Doyle is a huge mother fucker, especially in his platform boots swinging his humongous head around and pounding on his guitar like he just put Danzig in a headlock. Rawdog may have allegedly gotten a four hour blow job at the LA studio today, but the world may never know. The guys tossed around a few stories of who may or may not have done some fucking on radio or did a whole show fucked up on acid but kept it under wraps long enough to keep the management happy. Pendarvis has been around long enough to know there’s a few stories that somebody has to tell, but he’s not gonna be the one to do it. Jason and Pendar hashed out how they can get Doyle on the show and Wilson said he’d get right on it, so stay tuned for some awesome shit sometime soon. The guys took some calls and stuff and it was so so. Ellis talked about how there’s a bunch of tourist spots in Australia where drunken yokels buy “I survived a shark attack” t-shirts and then get eaten by fucking sharks because they end up doing something stupid. But on the plus side, women these days are becoming a bit more manly, so in the future we’re never gonna have to search that hard for the clit, we’ll just be asking very politely not to have it stuffed in our ass with no lube (Am I right guys? I mean seriously, am I right?) And of course what better segue to a Queen song than women of the future being able to really cause some rectal damage with the clitoris?

So, after a healthy break, we got to see one of the many things Rawdog was working on over the long weekend, and what he had for us was his very own version of Dave Chappelle! But first, Aussie news!!! Some dude in New Zealand got stranded on an island off the coast after riding his kayak out into the ocean and getting all nervous that a 20 foot crocodile was going to eat him. To be fair, every time he tried to move the kayak the croc would snap at him. This is about the point that Rawdog chimed in with quite possibly one of the most racist impressions a white person has ever done about a black person, but at the same time it was mildly amusing and didn’t actually sound like Dave Chappelle. More like an Australian/Redneck/hairlip boy. Of course, this did make for a lot of great Rawdog shaming, and that makes a lot of people really happy, so there you go. Then he started getting a little closer to spot on, but still not quite. More trial and error didn’t help much, but it was pretty fucking funny. It was pretty god damn close to Barack Obama too, maybe if it was Russell Crowe doing an Obama impression. And Dave Chappelle doing Russell Crowe sounded like Robin Leach. And Chappelle doing Jack Nicholson sounds like Woody Allen. AND NONE OF THEM COULD SAY MILK CORRECTLY AND SO WE NOW KNOW THAT ALL CELEBRITIES SAY MELK!!! So anyways, some 80 year old body builder just recently got busted for steroids, and god damn if I don’t want to just let that slide. He got caught right as he was in the process of trying to set another world record for old mother fuckers that refuse to give up the ghost. Which just goes to prove, the best time to get roided out is when your old, kinda like the best time to strap an extra hundred horsepower to a Toyota Tercel is when you know it’s gonna need a bunch more work soon anyways and you wanna send it out with a bang. Tully is fully on board with getting yoked the fuck out just long enough that his great grandkids could see it so they would all have the experience of finding his corpse all folded up on a Bowflex machine when the shit finally catches up to him. Speaking of fit ass mother fuckers, UFC happened over the weekend, and I didn’t watch it cause I was at a wedding and busy slamming some Canadian vajayjay, but according to the boys it was pretty awesome and if you checked it out yourself, you’d probably agree. There was a bunch more UFC talk that I had trouble following because I don’t keep any track of it and know nothing about organized sports, but it sounded like they all knew what they were talking about. Somehow the conversation turned to Ellis retiring and becoming a pirate, but not one of the sick fucked up modern ones, like a Disneyland ride pirate. The topic turned to retirement and how it sucks to get old and not have that bodybuilder money to pump yourself full of illegal substances with. But if you’re smart about it, you can be like Backbone Cullen’s friend and take your retirement on installments when you’re young, just work your ass off for a couple years at a time then go do some awesome shit for a couple months then come back and do it again. Cullen was also kind enough to bring up Iggy Pop and how he’s pretty much the most ghoulish figure in all of rock and roll, but god damn if he doesn’t look exactly the same as he did in 1992. Could do for a hip replacement and some roids, but other than that he’s pretty much in tip top shape. Tully got the idea that it would be awesome to make a kids movie full of double entandres that would work for the kids to have some good clean fun and the parents are all laughing their asses off at two hours of dick and fart jokes. Ellis was at the beach with the kids and they started yelling about how they were “doing it doggy style” while they were digging in the sand and it just reminded him that kids know way more than we think, and if they don’t, they’re at least hearing stuff they shouldn’t and applying it in their own way. Rawdog promptly finished cumming in something right about this time, as the guys started talking about when it became cool to call your dick a dick. And also why Moby still sucks. Also about how colorizing old black and white movies is a fucking travesty and should never be done and how Ted Turner can smoke a fat rock of crack off Humphrey Bogart’s dead cock. And with that the guys took a break to get ready for a special guest.

POT NEWS TIME GUYS!!! And I know I should be less enthusiastic when I talk about it since it is such a mellow thing to do, but some people are just so into it I really can’t help trying to fuck with them a little bit while they’re trying to settle into a groove. Another great way to harsh someone’s mellow would be to start unleashing naked old people at all the nightclubs they don’t want to go to. But hey, you gotta buy em a drink at least, if they showed up they’ve pretty much earned it. Anyways, some guy who was running a grow operation accidentally killed himself when he tripped a home made piano wire booby trap and came just an inch or two away from decapitating himself. Of course it was hikers that found the body, and they claim that they weren’t on their way to steal from this old fucktarded hippy. The guys toyed around with the question of who would you like to kill most by way of booby trap and what kind of trap would it be? Jason’s idea was to have a shark tank just beyond his front door so that everyone who comes inside walks into a watery grave. Rawdog coked up the idea to have razor wire strung across the street right at head level so that anybody who drove through it would get their head chopped off, of course he didn’t quite consider that it wouldn’t be physically possible to make it happen due to the way cars are engineered today, and the fact that razor wire can pretty much never be strong enough to conquer the framing and double glazing of a windshield, but hey, if it’s a really low hung cable, it might flip the car right over, once again, not quite understanding how physics really works regarding force and motion and the fulcrum effect and metallurgy and tensile strength of the materials in question, but hey, it could still work, right? There was some argument about what is or is not a booby trap and it kinda seems like Tully was the only one who really got it. Tully’s idea was to have a bucket of flaming vegetable oil on top of a door so that everyone who walks through gets doused in some pretty nasty shit. And speaking as someone who almost started a grease fire making some tempura a couple weeks ago, it is totally true what Ron White said about not making bacon naked, cause those teeny little grease splatters landing all over your nips and balls are no fun, just imagine if it was on fire and all over you. That shit would suck. Some debate started over whether or not this would kill anybody, but even if they lived, they would probably pull the plug on themselves as soon as the nurse walked away. Jason got another idea to challenge someone to a dance-off and have the dance floor rigged up to rise out of the foundation in the building and then dump him off to his death. Tully had a more practical idea to just drop a chandelier on them, and Jason agreed that the logistics were probably a little more workable for that than reenacting a scene from Flash Gordon. Rawdog updated his idea to be kind of like a camouflaged hole in the road on the way up to his house and having a big paper mache blanket covering it up right in the middle of Sunset Boulevard and putting some cones around it so only his intended victim would drive over it and not just some poor schmuck who doesn’t know better. Of course, the conversation had to come back around to who would be the victim of all these possible booby traps, and Tully just had to jump on Spike Lee’s ass, and it’s not a black thing, it’s a “You’re done, and the world is done with you” kind of thing. Jason suggested Woody Allen cause banging your adopted daughter is some straight up creepy shit and I couldn’t agree more that he needs to suffer a slapstick end to his existence. Then Tully started doing a little more research and Soon Ye may or may not be a case of human trafficking, but after all these years it seems to almost be a success story. Another great success story that Tully found in the news, is about a guy over in the UK who broke into an acquaintance’s house and forced himself on her, only to find out later on after being arrested for it that the woman was HIV positive! See kids, sometimes Karma just works, maybe not on your personal schedule, but god dammit it works. And please don’t take my exclamation points and upbeat manner of talking that I’m happy about this, I hope this guy dies a slow and painful death in jail, and it sounds like this guy really did get the greatest cosmic punishment that can be levied down upon someone. If I were a church going man, I’d call it a smoting. That mother fucker got properly smote. The guys took some phone calls and right out of the gate the dumbest mother fucker called in to try and debunk Jason’s shark tank booby trap, and someone else called in to try and help Rawdog prove the case of his car shredding cable setup because during filming for the last Transformers movie a cable came loose and shredded one of the extras in her car and made a meat pie out of her and her vehicle. Someone else tried to suggest making a gas leak trap but that shit is lame and every asshole ever has tried that at some point or another. Another guy called to see if Ellis could give him some advice on how he can go visit his daughter cause his crazy bitch of an ex wife won;’t let him, and the best he could get after rattling off the story of what the whole situation is is that maybe the mom is fucking psycho and kicked him out for no reason and has now kind of kidnapped their child. But of course, without going through the proper legal channels, and because none of us have ever actually met this guy, I really wouldn’t know, but it certainly does have all the familiar symptoms of a “bitch being crazy”. Someone called in to suggest setting up a tar and feathering booby trap, cause what’s worse than being melted alive and getting a permanent chicken suit? This led to the topic of what would you be willing to suffer through to save your life if you were being melted alive in some way? Tully suggested that if you were on fire and all your buddies had explosive diarrhea that could potentially put it out, would you let them? And then Rawdog did a dramatic reenactment of this situation that gave us some of the best new sound drop buttons we’re gonna see for quite some time. Tully has been trying to be more respectful about where he smokes cigarettes, and Wilson had  to chime in about how his new hobby is fumigating babies when he steps out for a breather. Someone called in to back up Rawdog’s cable booby trap idea again, as it has been a useful tactic for military personnel in Iraq and the guys finally sorted out the details of how to successfully decapitate your asshole buddy. Basically, you’ve gotta rent a limo, have the driver go out to a predetermined spot and dirve around the same place over and over, stick your whole torso out and enjoy the freedom for a while, then tell your victim that he should try it and when he does, signal the go ahead to whoever you have operating the head separator 9000 system and Robert is your mother’s brother. And just for good measure, add a shit ton of scorpions in case plan A doesn’t pan out as expected. Or rabid raccoons. Or platypus. Tully found a story about a woman who got charged by a raccoon and trapped it under her jacket but couldn’t get up or it would get out and resume the attack, so she wiggled her cell phone out and called her husband and him and the son had to bash the little fucker’s head in for 20 minutes because rabies will keep you going in a manner similar to PCP. And since there’s been so much talk about Meisha Tate coming in, the guys decided to take one last quick break to see if they could get her settled in before the show ends and they all turn into pumpkins.

In sad news, former heavyweight boxing champion Tommy Morrison died recently. He was the guy who starred in Rocky V and he also tested positive for the AIDS, even though he denied that it even existed. His wife was behind his bullshit a hundred and ten percent. But more importantly, Rawdog still can’t do a Dave Chappelle impression without sounding like a 1950’s Klan member. However his Foghorn Leghorn is spot on, turn of the century bigotry and all. Of course this led to Ellis learning a little more about the wonderful history of America’s white devil and the words that have been used that kinda shouldn’t be bad but have become that way cause honkies got no fucking respect. Speaking of racism, Mexico is just like Japan, just not as much rice, other than that, same fucking place. Although I’ve never seen a Mexican eat raw fish or make a cartoon about tentacle rape, but still, same god damn thing. Miesha Tate finally stopped in to chat with the guys for a bit. If you don’t know, shes’ one of the few female UFC fighters in a group that’s starting to grow the bigger the sport gets. According to her, women fighters are just as crazy and catty as regular women, cause her last opponent actually WON and is still acting like a bitch and talking a whole bunch of shit like somehow it’s gonna make her belt bigger or add some 24″ triple chrome spinners on it or some shit. The last time Jason went to see Miesha fight he was stoned out in the crowd and the Diaz brothers were sitting in the same row and just had to get by to hit the bathroom and god damn if they didn’t both fire off a hairy eyeball towards Ellis while he was trying to be polite enough to let them out for a tinkle. There was UFC talk and a few mentions of how it’s hot as fuck to have a girl who won’t tap, but also a little scary, but that actually makes it better. Miesha’s had to flex on a few dudes when they start giving her dirty looks in public and they almost always back down, proving that you don’t always want to tussle with a pro fighter, cause even the ladies would probably lay a pretty well deserved bitch slap across your grille before violating you with their massively engorged clitoris. Miesha has also recently gotten into motocross and Ellis is just that much more enthralled to have this lady on the show after all this time. She’s not gonna be in X-Games anytime soon, cause apparently if you case it on the landing, it does still hurt the vagina, and if it’s one of those really massive future vaginas it’s probably worse than a load of birdshot to the balls for us guys. There was more fight talk about how to adjust your technique to compensate for different fighters (like say, some guy who really likes ice cream sandwiches and called for a rematch even though he said the first fight was rigged?) Ellis would like to be a guest coach at the next Miesha Tate fight just so that he could go way too far with his cage side banter and maybe slice his chest open like that one Native American dude in Predator and talk all kinds of shit to the level of getting escorted out of the building. There was more business talk and Ellis did his best not to mention Miesha’s tits, even though I’m sure he would be very interested in them, as pretty much anybody would cause, c’mon tits dude, fuckin’ tits. There was also some talk about how Jason probably wouldn’t win a fight with her, but if they were going out and he came home after a long day and she was asleep, well then all bets off mother fuckers, cause Jason is from Australia and they’re some savages when they got a chance to gang up on somebody in their sleep. The interview ran all the way through the end of the show, and there were no final calls, so I have no negative remarks for humanity today. But you should all still watch your ass, cause I probably want 80% of you fucking dead.

When I was young, my favorite time of year was Christmas. It was the one time of year when people were friendlier to each other, and the spirit of giving was alive and well, and nobody looked twice at you if you were a kid sitting on the sidewalk in front of a dive bar at the far end of the ghetto waiting for your dad to finish sleeping off how he wasted his Christmas bonus.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,