I swear to Christ, every time I go on vacation shit just falls apart without me, the shop is all disorganized, I’ve got promo materials all over my desk, paperwork isn’t done right, we got a WOMAN writing recaps for us, dogs and cats living together, IT’S MASS HYSTERIA I TELL YOU!!! But on the plus side, I got to drink lots of Tim Horton’s coffee and get all up in some sweet sweet Canadian tang all week, so I’d call it a win. But that’s not what’s important, what’s important is that it’s time for the Jason Ellis show and I’m gonna give you a nice essay about why my lunchtime would suck without it! Ready? I SAID ARE YOU READY?!?!?! FUCK YOU I SAID ARE YOU READY?!??!?!!?! *Ahem* sorry that’s just my vaginal mesh lawsuit acting up again. Probably cause I still haven’t gotten my settlement from that whole Olestra anal seepage thing yet. Anyways, the show started off today with Ellis complimenting himself on how well he can sing when they played the “New York” intro cause the guys are in NEW YORK! And then there were also volume level problems and some guy set off the fire alarm so all in all a great start. And a chick with big fat titties was walking around so not a whole lot to complain about this tuesday. Ellis was considering getting his nails done instead of visiting one of the jack off booths cause he didn’t bring nail clippers cause the TSA is pretty much unnecessary and solves almost nothing except making me feel like a child molester every time I slide that tray with my wallet and shoes through the X-Ray machine. On the plus side, Tully also forgot his nail clippers but brought a nice cache of fun fun fun prescriptions through so the plane ride would be way more colorful. And even though Tully is a super dad he’d ring your baby’s neck like a rubber chicken if it so much as breathes loud on a plane. Having just got off a flight in San Francisco from Toronto last night after having to get bumped to a different flight for delays and standing in line at the ticket counter and customs for almost two fucking hours, I can safely say that AIR CANADA YOU ROCK FOR HAVING HEADSET TV’S THAT WILL ACCEPT A REGULAR SET OF HEADPHONES AND A USB CHARGING PORT AT EVERY SEAT!!! SHOUT OUT TO YOU AIR CANADA!!! Ellis knows how hard it is to travel with kids and tries to be responsible about it, but you can’t always help it when your kids decide to piss all over something or just need to yell it out or honestly can’t wait for some apple juice. Cullen was live in New York and Rawdog was live in Los Angeles today, and it’s incredibly likely that the LA studios look like a scene from that movie “Blow” only instead of cocaine it’s McNuggets. Rawdog got a bunch of chores and errands and shit done this weekend in his all new Toyota Prius, getting incredible mileage off of that eco-friendly cock in his rectum. Ellis got off the plane wearing his pajama pants and promptly lost his phone in a cab on his way to the studio, but luckily some good Samaritan found it and met up with him to give it back RIGHT AT THE LOCATION WHERE JOHN LENNON WAS SHOT! And luckily there were no repeats of the same kind of activity while Ellis was there. The biggest concern Jason had about losing his phone is that while it was turned off for the plane ride, Katie sent him a shitload of naked pics to keep him from having a need for the jack off booth and god dammit those pictures were EARNED! Rude Jude stopped by the LA studio to sit in with Rawdog and was quickly prompted to shut the fuck up in exchange for monkey business or pretty much anything else. But getting back to the guy that found Jason’s phone, it was some 66 year old Dominican Jew with a 20 year old girlfriend and a thick British accent and lots of stories to tell, whether or not you want him to. According to this guy that 20 year old virgin tang was exquisite when he got around to tearing into it the first time after a few dates. And according to all laws of human decency, nobody wants to hear an old man telling stories about having sex with a girl who was in grade school when I was already a few years deep in the work force. But that didn’t stop this guy from whipping out a pair of her used panties and rubbing it all over Ellis’ receipt for the cab ride. And just to up the creepy factor, Pendarvis slipped in to the conversation get a couple good tugs in before a vengeful god smote him for his carnal sins. Ellis is gonna be doing all kinds of meetings and stuff while he’s in New York to try and get a little more funding for the show and suckle at the corporate teats, as is required from time to time when you want to move ahead in your life. The guys talked a bit about how sketchy it is to be in the park at night in the city. Tully said he tried to sleep in the park with some friends and after getting spotted by the cops rolling a joint and scoping out huge titty magazines, the cops didn’t even look twice, but a little later, they were walking around and gangs had that place staked out like prison. The guys talked about the housing market in New York and how Dakota Fanning sure got off easy getting John Lennon’s old apartment for about $7 million and how most of the really fucking sweet places to live are being bought up by rich people in other countries. Ellis has been working on his cardio and trying not to take any days off that he doesn’t need to, and Gabe is still talking mad shit like EllisMania was a legitimate organization and not just twenty drunken shitheads and a few special guests. Jason is feeling pretty good though, he’s gotten into the ring enough times to know pretty well what his abilities are. Lord Sear was walking around the SiriusXM New York studios in a half woken stupor slowly dying of poor circulation and labored breathing, and speaking of labored breathing, Tully went out of his hotel to have a cigarette and some guy was talking very loudly on his cell phone about the AMAZING cocaine that he has, and if Tully didn’t have a day job and a life to get back to, he would have certainly bought some AMAZING cocaine. Pendarvis chimed in with his own story about how one time he answered his phone and some young ladies were listening over his shoulder and mocking him, but then started talking about buying heroin, so he countered back by telling the guy he was on the phone with that he had a whole backpack full of wonderful delicious heroin. Oh but Tully’s not done yet, after finishing his smoke with the AMAZING cocaine guy, some English guy walked up and the AMAZING cocaine guy ran right over to him and tried to sell him some AMAZING cocaine, cause apparently it really was AMAZING cocaine. Ellis went and saw Danzig the other day and was shocked at how ripped Doyle is. And also, he was shocked at the fact that Glenn Danzig is a tubby midget with absolutely no ass whatsoever. It’s crazy how our rock stars age, isn’t it? All in all though, Danzig hasn’t let a life of murder and Satan worship slow him down though, the show was still awesome and god damn that Doyle is a huge mother fucker, especially in his platform boots swinging his humongous head around and pounding on his guitar like he just put Danzig in a headlock. Rawdog may have allegedly gotten a four hour blow job at the LA studio today, but the world may never know. The guys tossed around a few stories of who may or may not have done some fucking on radio or did a whole show fucked up on acid but kept it under wraps long enough to keep the management happy. Pendarvis has been around long enough to know there’s a few stories that somebody has to tell, but he’s not gonna be the one to do it. Jason and Pendar hashed out how they can get Doyle on the show and Wilson said he’d get right on it, so stay tuned for some awesome shit sometime soon. The guys took some calls and stuff and it was so so. Ellis talked about how there’s a bunch of tourist spots in Australia where drunken yokels buy “I survived a shark attack” t-shirts and then get eaten by fucking sharks because they end up doing something stupid. But on the plus side, women these days are becoming a bit more manly, so in the future we’re never gonna have to search that hard for the clit, we’ll just be asking very politely not to have it stuffed in our ass with no lube (Am I right guys? I mean seriously, am I right?) And of course what better segue to a Queen song than women of the future being able to really cause some rectal damage with the clitoris?

So, after a healthy break, we got to see one of the many things Rawdog was working on over the long weekend, and what he had for us was his very own version of Dave Chappelle! But first, Aussie news!!! Some dude in New Zealand got stranded on an island off the coast after riding his kayak out into the ocean and getting all nervous that a 20 foot crocodile was going to eat him. To be fair, every time he tried to move the kayak the croc would snap at him. This is about the point that Rawdog chimed in with quite possibly one of the most racist impressions a white person has ever done about a black person, but at the same time it was mildly amusing and didn’t actually sound like Dave Chappelle. More like an Australian/Redneck/hairlip boy. Of course, this did make for a lot of great Rawdog shaming, and that makes a lot of people really happy, so there you go. Then he started getting a little closer to spot on, but still not quite. More trial and error didn’t help much, but it was pretty fucking funny. It was pretty god damn close to Barack Obama too, maybe if it was Russell Crowe doing an Obama impression. And Dave Chappelle doing Russell Crowe sounded like Robin Leach. And Chappelle doing Jack Nicholson sounds like Woody Allen. AND NONE OF THEM COULD SAY MILK CORRECTLY AND SO WE NOW KNOW THAT ALL CELEBRITIES SAY MELK!!! So anyways, some 80 year old body builder just recently got busted for steroids, and god damn if I don’t want to just let that slide. He got caught right as he was in the process of trying to set another world record for old mother fuckers that refuse to give up the ghost. Which just goes to prove, the best time to get roided out is when your old, kinda like the best time to strap an extra hundred horsepower to a Toyota Tercel is when you know it’s gonna need a bunch more work soon anyways and you wanna send it out with a bang. Tully is fully on board with getting yoked the fuck out just long enough that his great grandkids could see it so they would all have the experience of finding his corpse all folded up on a Bowflex machine when the shit finally catches up to him. Speaking of fit ass mother fuckers, UFC happened over the weekend, and I didn’t watch it cause I was at a wedding and busy slamming some Canadian vajayjay, but according to the boys it was pretty awesome and if you checked it out yourself, you’d probably agree. There was a bunch more UFC talk that I had trouble following because I don’t keep any track of it and know nothing about organized sports, but it sounded like they all knew what they were talking about. Somehow the conversation turned to Ellis retiring and becoming a pirate, but not one of the sick fucked up modern ones, like a Disneyland ride pirate. The topic turned to retirement and how it sucks to get old and not have that bodybuilder money to pump yourself full of illegal substances with. But if you’re smart about it, you can be like Backbone Cullen’s friend and take your retirement on installments when you’re young, just work your ass off for a couple years at a time then go do some awesome shit for a couple months then come back and do it again. Cullen was also kind enough to bring up Iggy Pop and how he’s pretty much the most ghoulish figure in all of rock and roll, but god damn if he doesn’t look exactly the same as he did in 1992. Could do for a hip replacement and some roids, but other than that he’s pretty much in tip top shape. Tully got the idea that it would be awesome to make a kids movie full of double entandres that would work for the kids to have some good clean fun and the parents are all laughing their asses off at two hours of dick and fart jokes. Ellis was at the beach with the kids and they started yelling about how they were “doing it doggy style” while they were digging in the sand and it just reminded him that kids know way more than we think, and if they don’t, they’re at least hearing stuff they shouldn’t and applying it in their own way. Rawdog promptly finished cumming in something right about this time, as the guys started talking about when it became cool to call your dick a dick. And also why Moby still sucks. Also about how colorizing old black and white movies is a fucking travesty and should never be done and how Ted Turner can smoke a fat rock of crack off Humphrey Bogart’s dead cock. And with that the guys took a break to get ready for a special guest.

POT NEWS TIME GUYS!!! And I know I should be less enthusiastic when I talk about it since it is such a mellow thing to do, but some people are just so into it I really can’t help trying to fuck with them a little bit while they’re trying to settle into a groove. Another great way to harsh someone’s mellow would be to start unleashing naked old people at all the nightclubs they don’t want to go to. But hey, you gotta buy em a drink at least, if they showed up they’ve pretty much earned it. Anyways, some guy who was running a grow operation accidentally killed himself when he tripped a home made piano wire booby trap and came just an inch or two away from decapitating himself. Of course it was hikers that found the body, and they claim that they weren’t on their way to steal from this old fucktarded hippy. The guys toyed around with the question of who would you like to kill most by way of booby trap and what kind of trap would it be? Jason’s idea was to have a shark tank just beyond his front door so that everyone who comes inside walks into a watery grave. Rawdog coked up the idea to have razor wire strung across the street right at head level so that anybody who drove through it would get their head chopped off, of course he didn’t quite consider that it wouldn’t be physically possible to make it happen due to the way cars are engineered today, and the fact that razor wire can pretty much never be strong enough to conquer the framing and double glazing of a windshield, but hey, if it’s a really low hung cable, it might flip the car right over, once again, not quite understanding how physics really works regarding force and motion and the fulcrum effect and metallurgy and tensile strength of the materials in question, but hey, it could still work, right? There was some argument about what is or is not a booby trap and it kinda seems like Tully was the only one who really got it. Tully’s idea was to have a bucket of flaming vegetable oil on top of a door so that everyone who walks through gets doused in some pretty nasty shit. And speaking as someone who almost started a grease fire making some tempura a couple weeks ago, it is totally true what Ron White said about not making bacon naked, cause those teeny little grease splatters landing all over your nips and balls are no fun, just imagine if it was on fire and all over you. That shit would suck. Some debate started over whether or not this would kill anybody, but even if they lived, they would probably pull the plug on themselves as soon as the nurse walked away. Jason got another idea to challenge someone to a dance-off and have the dance floor rigged up to rise out of the foundation in the building and then dump him off to his death. Tully had a more practical idea to just drop a chandelier on them, and Jason agreed that the logistics were probably a little more workable for that than reenacting a scene from Flash Gordon. Rawdog updated his idea to be kind of like a camouflaged hole in the road on the way up to his house and having a big paper mache blanket covering it up right in the middle of Sunset Boulevard and putting some cones around it so only his intended victim would drive over it and not just some poor schmuck who doesn’t know better. Of course, the conversation had to come back around to who would be the victim of all these possible booby traps, and Tully just had to jump on Spike Lee’s ass, and it’s not a black thing, it’s a “You’re done, and the world is done with you” kind of thing. Jason suggested Woody Allen cause banging your adopted daughter is some straight up creepy shit and I couldn’t agree more that he needs to suffer a slapstick end to his existence. Then Tully started doing a little more research and Soon Ye may or may not be a case of human trafficking, but after all these years it seems to almost be a success story. Another great success story that Tully found in the news, is about a guy over in the UK who broke into an acquaintance’s house and forced himself on her, only to find out later on after being arrested for it that the woman was HIV positive! See kids, sometimes Karma just works, maybe not on your personal schedule, but god dammit it works. And please don’t take my exclamation points and upbeat manner of talking that I’m happy about this, I hope this guy dies a slow and painful death in jail, and it sounds like this guy really did get the greatest cosmic punishment that can be levied down upon someone. If I were a church going man, I’d call it a smoting. That mother fucker got properly smote. The guys took some phone calls and right out of the gate the dumbest mother fucker called in to try and debunk Jason’s shark tank booby trap, and someone else called in to try and help Rawdog prove the case of his car shredding cable setup because during filming for the last Transformers movie a cable came loose and shredded one of the extras in her car and made a meat pie out of her and her vehicle. Someone else tried to suggest making a gas leak trap but that shit is lame and every asshole ever has tried that at some point or another. Another guy called to see if Ellis could give him some advice on how he can go visit his daughter cause his crazy bitch of an ex wife won;’t let him, and the best he could get after rattling off the story of what the whole situation is is that maybe the mom is fucking psycho and kicked him out for no reason and has now kind of kidnapped their child. But of course, without going through the proper legal channels, and because none of us have ever actually met this guy, I really wouldn’t know, but it certainly does have all the familiar symptoms of a “bitch being crazy”. Someone called in to suggest setting up a tar and feathering booby trap, cause what’s worse than being melted alive and getting a permanent chicken suit? This led to the topic of what would you be willing to suffer through to save your life if you were being melted alive in some way? Tully suggested that if you were on fire and all your buddies had explosive diarrhea that could potentially put it out, would you let them? And then Rawdog did a dramatic reenactment of this situation that gave us some of the best new sound drop buttons we’re gonna see for quite some time. Tully has been trying to be more respectful about where he smokes cigarettes, and Wilson had  to chime in about how his new hobby is fumigating babies when he steps out for a breather. Someone called in to back up Rawdog’s cable booby trap idea again, as it has been a useful tactic for military personnel in Iraq and the guys finally sorted out the details of how to successfully decapitate your asshole buddy. Basically, you’ve gotta rent a limo, have the driver go out to a predetermined spot and dirve around the same place over and over, stick your whole torso out and enjoy the freedom for a while, then tell your victim that he should try it and when he does, signal the go ahead to whoever you have operating the head separator 9000 system and Robert is your mother’s brother. And just for good measure, add a shit ton of scorpions in case plan A doesn’t pan out as expected. Or rabid raccoons. Or platypus. Tully found a story about a woman who got charged by a raccoon and trapped it under her jacket but couldn’t get up or it would get out and resume the attack, so she wiggled her cell phone out and called her husband and him and the son had to bash the little fucker’s head in for 20 minutes because rabies will keep you going in a manner similar to PCP. And since there’s been so much talk about Meisha Tate coming in, the guys decided to take one last quick break to see if they could get her settled in before the show ends and they all turn into pumpkins.

In sad news, former heavyweight boxing champion Tommy Morrison died recently. He was the guy who starred in Rocky V and he also tested positive for the AIDS, even though he denied that it even existed. His wife was behind his bullshit a hundred and ten percent. But more importantly, Rawdog still can’t do a Dave Chappelle impression without sounding like a 1950’s Klan member. However his Foghorn Leghorn is spot on, turn of the century bigotry and all. Of course this led to Ellis learning a little more about the wonderful history of America’s white devil and the words that have been used that kinda shouldn’t be bad but have become that way cause honkies got no fucking respect. Speaking of racism, Mexico is just like Japan, just not as much rice, other than that, same fucking place. Although I’ve never seen a Mexican eat raw fish or make a cartoon about tentacle rape, but still, same god damn thing. Miesha Tate finally stopped in to chat with the guys for a bit. If you don’t know, shes’ one of the few female UFC fighters in a group that’s starting to grow the bigger the sport gets. According to her, women fighters are just as crazy and catty as regular women, cause her last opponent actually WON and is still acting like a bitch and talking a whole bunch of shit like somehow it’s gonna make her belt bigger or add some 24″ triple chrome spinners on it or some shit. The last time Jason went to see Miesha fight he was stoned out in the crowd and the Diaz brothers were sitting in the same row and just had to get by to hit the bathroom and god damn if they didn’t both fire off a hairy eyeball towards Ellis while he was trying to be polite enough to let them out for a tinkle. There was UFC talk and a few mentions of how it’s hot as fuck to have a girl who won’t tap, but also a little scary, but that actually makes it better. Miesha’s had to flex on a few dudes when they start giving her dirty looks in public and they almost always back down, proving that you don’t always want to tussle with a pro fighter, cause even the ladies would probably lay a pretty well deserved bitch slap across your grille before violating you with their massively engorged clitoris. Miesha has also recently gotten into motocross and Ellis is just that much more enthralled to have this lady on the show after all this time. She’s not gonna be in X-Games anytime soon, cause apparently if you case it on the landing, it does still hurt the vagina, and if it’s one of those really massive future vaginas it’s probably worse than a load of birdshot to the balls for us guys. There was more fight talk about how to adjust your technique to compensate for different fighters (like say, some guy who really likes ice cream sandwiches and called for a rematch even though he said the first fight was rigged?) Ellis would like to be a guest coach at the next Miesha Tate fight just so that he could go way too far with his cage side banter and maybe slice his chest open like that one Native American dude in Predator and talk all kinds of shit to the level of getting escorted out of the building. There was more business talk and Ellis did his best not to mention Miesha’s tits, even though I’m sure he would be very interested in them, as pretty much anybody would cause, c’mon tits dude, fuckin’ tits. There was also some talk about how Jason probably wouldn’t win a fight with her, but if they were going out and he came home after a long day and she was asleep, well then all bets off mother fuckers, cause Jason is from Australia and they’re some savages when they got a chance to gang up on somebody in their sleep. The interview ran all the way through the end of the show, and there were no final calls, so I have no negative remarks for humanity today. But you should all still watch your ass, cause I probably want 80% of you fucking dead.

When I was young, my favorite time of year was Christmas. It was the one time of year when people were friendlier to each other, and the spirit of giving was alive and well, and nobody looked twice at you if you were a kid sitting on the sidewalk in front of a dive bar at the far end of the ghetto waiting for your dad to finish sleeping off how he wasted his Christmas bonus.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,