Candy apples with razor blades…little dead cats spinnin’ graves…I REMEMBER HALLOWEEN!!! Happy October everyone, it’s a great time of year, leaves start changing colors and on the last day of the month, nobody gives a fuck if you walk out of the house in full bondage gear and a foxtail butt plug, just tell them you’re on your way to a party!!! But more importantly, it’s aboot noontime and that means the Ellis Show is back to make our afternoon great. Today’s show started with some live action Jerry Springer shit happening in front of my shop, then some technical difficulties, then some MxPx and some Everlast, and then some Australian fucker yelling about technical difficulties and how they can harass Tony Hawk. And since Tony Hawk is god, it’s gotta be a pretty special feeling to have god’s phone number and be able to make seductive comments to him through a voice changing machine. And if you didn’t know, Jake “Sick Cunt” Brown is a fan and is gonna be bringing a bunch of his friends to EllisMania 9. He also wanted to have one of his alcoholic friends ref one of the fights, but this was proven to be a fucking horrible idea. There was some conversation over the validity of smoking cigarettes versus smoking weed and what are the appropriate age cutoffs for having a bong stuck to your face. Basically, your thirties aren’t supposed to be fun, but anytime before or after you’re more than welcome to be high as all shit just as long as the rest of your day is taken care of. It’s kinda like french toast, it’s pretty much dessert for breakfast. Sometimes you have to, but it shouldn’t be a daily habit. Or if you’re Rawdog, you can throw fistfulls of frosted flakes down your gullet on a saturday morning after a session with the gravity bong. Ellis was going for a run this morning and some Machine Head came on and the power of the riff compelled him to start sprinting up a hill like a massive tard. And Nick Swardson is getting a great laugh out of hearing that Ellis is training Rawdog and the dog’s only strategy at this point is to get one good dick punch to throw him off long enough for him to run away. Rude Jude stopped by to chat a bit about how Tumbles is gonna get his unconscious dick sucked by a comedian in two weeks. Jude saw Jason’s black eye and the guys started talking about whether or not it makes ladies love you or if it makes you look like you missed the dick and it caught you a few inches higher than you were hoping for. The guys tried taking phone calls to see if the technical difficulties were sorted out and the only problem was that Boon was on the phone. They didn’t wait to hear what Boon wanted, but talked about the dynamic of repeat callers for a minute or two. Some guy called in to talk metal bands and Rob Flynn’s old projects. Jude was thinking of dropping Jack The Cunt on “Hate it or Love it” but he doesn’t want to because the rap community is almost as homophobic as the Westboro Baptist church. But one of the guys may start making random guest appearances as “HomoAtheist” just so Jude doesn’t have to catch everybody’s shit for not hating gay people. The guys played some of Rob Flynn’s old band Violence and then compared it to all the free passes that the public has given to Anthrax for all their crazy projects and crossovers. And if we’re talking metal, Tully has to inject all his musical knowledge. And apparently there’s a bunch of songs I need to go download cause hair metal was way more metal than all of us seem to realize. The guys talked music for a bit and how just because your favorite song is your favorite, doesn’t mean it’s the best, and VH1 has proven this to us every time they interview a band that absolutely despises their biggest hit song many years later. There was more music history talk and the crew started getting more and more aggravated with the performance of the intern Vanessa as stupider and stupider callers getting through. She’s been trying to hustle her air check off to Rude Jude at really inappropriate times, like during lunch and when he’s taking a shit, and it’s getting a little ridiculous. There’s a time and a place for this kind of stuff, and it’s not while someone is about to snap off a hot load while they’re in bed on the other side of town from where you live. Jason decided to humor Vanessa and play her air check and if you want some uppity bitch to start demanding you to buy her drinks then she did a great job. It might work for one those hip hop stations that plays nothing but top 40 club shit, but on SiriusXM, bitch, YOU NEED TO TIGHTEN THAT GAME UP!!! And even though Jude hates rap, and clubs, he does love getting women drunk, so she’s at least got a chance in the industry someday. The rest of the guys spent the next few minutes ripping apart this air check like a pack of wild dogs on a bag of Doritos, and it was kind of well deserved, but for something completely home made it could have been a lot worse. Basically, it was nothing that fifty thousand DJ’s on just as many stations on shit ass terrestrial radio aren’t already doing. Then there was some back and forth and a little bit of heat for Vanessa trying to get Drake to call in to Jude’s show without asking if he wanted it, and some other shit, and this kinda spiraled into some other shit and apparently Vanessa may be trippin’ pretty hard about just what they actually want her to do as an intern. Not that she’s a bad person, just that she needs to intern before she starts trying to be a producer. And that Jude is not gonna take her out for drinks after the show. Or let her give him a blumpkin for a paid position at SirisXM. The guys interviewed Vanessa for a bit about her career and goals and who she is and she’s getting a late start to the higher end of the radio business but she’s been dedicated to it for a while now, so it looks like it’ll be working out in due time. She’s had a lot of the same trials and tribulations as Jason, so he understands when shit in your head doesn’t play out quite the same as you’d like it to in real life and how that can make a person act a little off and not realize it. After a lofty pep talk from Ellis and a brainstorming session about how to approach your mom about helping her get her vagina fixed after you wrecked the place on the way out, everybody had a good cry about how hard life can be and how shit is rough sometimes, then we segued straight into shitting on Five Finger Death Punch and all of their moms. Tully was crying last night while he was watching some clip of Mariano Rivera from the New York Yankees being sent to the dugout for the last time as he passes his pitchers mound to the next in line, and how it’s heartwarming as all fuck cause that was the guy throwing strike outs all through his childhood and it’s almost like letting him go to carousel from Logan’s Run but way lest festive, more like they’re actually gonna kill him not just float him up in the air and set off some fireworks. And since we’re all being vag-ey and emotional, let’s get some classic MJ to make sweet love and dance to while we regroup.
POT NEWS! Only this time with no pot, cause some guy got busted with a whole shitload of cash and the cops said that the money smelled too much like weed to have come from any other source but drug dealing. But seriously, that money REEKED of weed according to the cop. Even though they searched the guy’s car and didn’t find any weed. But they did find some receipts for some grow equipment and a note detailing several strains of weed, so it kind of adds up, but very very loosely, and only if you’re the same type of fucktard who wants to have gravity taken out of high school textbooks cause the bible doesn’t mention it. Basically the only way you could get away with this kind of thing is if you gave Snoop Dogg a ride home and the money fell out of his pocket. All the legal loopholes of this story prompted some talk about the government shutdown and how the house of congress really is a whole bunch of worthless cunts that should just fuck off and die. Even the politicians that I kind of respect, y’all should take a permanent vacation at the business end of an acid bath. Speaking of Decepticons, Rawdog found a news story about human/computer relations and some lady has found that in combat situations, mainly explosives removal, the soldiers are getting attached to their bomb disposal bots like the old shop dog, naming them and slapping bumper stickers on them and even holding funerals when they get blown sky high by a modified 1986 Fiat Panda. So basically, The Matrix is going to happen, and we’re gonna let it cause these things are gonna be our friends just long enough to betray us when we least suspect it. Some kid in southern California recently confessed to federal prosecutors that he was terrorizing a bunch of young women by remotely hacking into their webcams and taking photos of them changing clothes and voyeuristic shit like that, then terrorizing them through their Facebook or email and blackmailing them into live sessions with him on Skype or else he would release all the photos publicly. So, right on dude, tell me how they treat child molesters in prison, I hear they have special traditions for your kind. And to piggyback off yesterdays conversation about naked selfies, if you’re old enough to rent a car just go ahead and make it public and save yourself the drama OR ELSE go back to celluloid film and snail mail. There was some talk about the Elliot Sloan/PLG fight that’s gonna be happening in two weeks THAT I’LL BE ATTENDING and it seems that one of the only wild cards to this fight is that PLG weighs about 20lbs less than Sloan, but he actually knows how to fight and it’s unclear if Sloan has been training at all. The guys took another quick break to sort out a picture of these two ramp savages facing off, then got right back into a video of Willie Nelson and more importantly some old hippie fan of his dancing like the shit was gonna crawl out of his ass and cook up a pot of jambalaya. Somehow this all spawned an argument about a bacon and turd omelet and this required vengeance by way of dick punching machine, unfortunately the dick punching machine is in some storage unit that Wilson doesn’t have keys for. So the guys had to improvise with some sort of spare parts contraption that made Pendarvis talk in circles about how he’s not allowed to fight in EllisMania, even though someone else’s boss’ boss said no, but someone else who’s a muthafuckin’ BAUS said that it’s OK, and the word boss now means absolutely nothing to me. Then Tully convinced Pendarvis to Dutch Rudder a fist into Rawdog’s balls which ended up being Instagram gold. And if you didn’t already hate Rawdog enough to punch him in the dick, it’s NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First song we heard was a late breaking new track from Scott Stapp, courtesy of Bryan “The Backbone” Cullen, and like other Scott Stapp projects it’s HERRRRHHHEEEEEHHHEERRRRYYEEEAAHH! and so is completely invalid as music. Next we heard Rawdog try to defend Fred Durst against Stapp, and has earned himself a future dick punch Dutch rudder, then Tumble played us the new Milk Banana, which is a Japanese noise punk band and the last noise punk show I went to made me want to kick the shit out of somebody, but this was a little more refined being as they’re Japanese. However, it still made me reconsider taking a vacation in Tokyo. After that was the latest from Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and she sure hasn’t hit the wall in the best 80’s semi androgynous way, and her music is still the same style and sound it was before, so it’s clear she’s pretty much the only proven non-sellout rock star. Katy Perry has a new record and I honestly don’t care, but I had to hear the new single off it today and it reinforces my call for her head on a pike in front of my apartment building. Next we got a taste of an all girl Jewish trio called Haim and it was a pretty good throwback to when people played instruments and autotune had been invented then overused and forgotten again and people had to write lyrics. Then there was Deltron 3030, featuring a lot of guest spots and a single with Zach from Rage Against the Machine that had a pretty good beat and would certainly fit the mood at my tattoo shop when they hold art shows (You probably wouldn’t get t if you haven’t been there, but it makes sense to me so go fuck yourself). Next up was some band that I didn’t catch the name of but it was some of Rawdog’s typical electronic bullshit that we have to hear even though nobody else wants to. After that we got a taste of the new one from Korn and while the nineties are gone, one of the few good parts of it is still alive, but unfortunately they’re bringing dubstep along with it. Please Korn, no more dubstep. I’ve liked your work in the past, but you’re gonna need to stomp Skrillex to death live on stage if you really want me as a permanent fan. And if that wasn’t enough, Moby has a new record and I sure hope that next time the record companies pay for him to just stay on hiatus. Luckily though, Moby is allegedly creepy as all fuck, so he might get Roman Polanskie’ed one of these days. After that was the Blind Boys of Alabama and while I’m not into gospel, it at least takes real work and not just a shout out and some studio time from someone who’s already huge and they’ve been doing it for almost 85 ears, so suck on that Rolling Stones. Next was the new single from that girl Lordes who did that song royals and she’s still jocking the shit out of Adele like Adele freed the Jews and built an ark with two of every animal on it all in the same weekend. Nelly dropped a new one and if we don’t ear it played on the radio ever again we can just pretend it didn’t happen and move on. Finally we heard the new one from Randy Travis and if you like country you probably already heard it and bought it and if you don’t like country then just keep moving and if you know what country is really supposed to be, you’ll know it truly died sometime around 1993. The guys took some phone calls about how most of the new music was lacking information or rehashes of other shit that’s already been done, which is kinda true but maybe not as much today as it has been other times. There were also some calls about Waylon Jennings and how he was possibly one of the baddest mother fuckers alive up until his death in 2002. Now he’s the baddest mother fucker in the afterlife, and yes he has a whole collection of wrecked General Lee 1969 Dodge Chargers. Still drives one of the good ones every so often just to blow the cobwebs out and launch it off an incomplete section of freeway over a gorge. And he’s also Yelawolf. And he’s the reason why Keith Richards cannot be killed with conventional weapons.
The guys are kicking around the idea of bringing back unsigned farts. Nothing to do with anything really, just want to let you guys know so you can get some of those good ones on record and maybe get them played on the radio. Ellis is playing around with his diet some more and there’s all kinds of cool stuff you can get from Onnit.com for that and you too can have a much more glorious penis. And live longer and bench more and yada yada yada. The guys talked about how it’s completely inevitable to turn out like your parents. Tully’s dad used to round up his age to the next year after the six month mark and recently Tully has been doing it too. And we all know about Rawdog’s speech impediment. Tully found a news story about a family that threw a surprise party for their son and after they turned out the lights to get the kid, when he turned them back on the entire room was covered in maggots. That’s right, maggots. and that’s when you know shit is serious when you turn the lights off and the entire room is covered in fucking maggots. One time right before Pendarvis’ first kid was born, one of the vents in the bathroom ceiling burst open and a dead bird swarmed in maggots came flying out of his wife’s uterus. Back to the news story, the reason the maggots all cover that room is because there was a dead body in between floors of their apartment building. But hey, they can always do the German Pinata and fist the corpse. The guys did some test and tune on a new segment they want to start doing where they review movies and they wanted to sort out all the finer points. Basically they’re gonna take suggestions from each other on well known classics that one of them has seen and the rest of them haven’t, and then give their rundown on it, almost like you sir are a Moron, but more like a really offensive Siskel and Ebert. The guys threw out a few titles that they think are good reccomendations for each other, like Rambo, Mad Max, Predator, Romper Stomper, and a whole bunch of other ones that mostly Rawdog hasn’t seen which is just a goddamn failing of the American education system if you ask me. The guys turned to the audience for some suggestions and first one up was somebody trying to give Jason some Mega Destroy clothing, which he shot down cause no one’s ever heard of it and live on the radio is not the right time to shop for new sponsors. Jason talked about how Devin is growing up way faster than he’d like and even at just 8 years old she’s got too much of a social life to want to hangout with dad anymore and he’s already plotting how to kill her first boyfriend. The guys took some phone calls and some guy said three things that made no sense and had nothing to do with anything, but he did suggest that the guys watch the Deer Hunter. There were more calls that prove that the intelligence level and attention span of the average person are waning more and more with each passing day. But fuck it, cause sometimes it’s great to have a few thousand idiots in one place, cause they’ll get creative and try to box each other with blindfolds and electric dog collars on or some other hilarious shit. And if you wanna see that happen, there’s a way you can do that in just a couple weeks. CUE BRUCE LEE MUSIC! START TALKING WHEN JASON SAYS DON’T DIE!
One day when I was young, I met an old man who asked me “Hey kid, how hard is it to look where you’re going?” to which I responded “it’s easy as fuck when the view isn’t as ugly as you are.”
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,