Guys, I gotta pose a question to you. This stems from a conversation I had with someone on twitter the other day. The question is, who do you think would win, vampires or zombies? There was some good back and forth the first time I thought about it, but what do you think? And what if it was werewolves VS. zombies? We can’t ask the werewolves VS vampires question because that’s already been answered, the winner is the first one to get their penis into the other guys shit locker (thank you Twilight for spoiling that one for everybody). But these are questions worth asking, cause god dammit there might be a lot of money to be made gambling on a showdown like that, and then you could get a bunch of coked out vampire bitches to “suck you dry” if you know what I mean. Anyway, I’ll let you guys mull it over for a bit, until then, enjoy this recap that has nothing to do with classic horror movie monsters. Jason started the show talking about how Australians say hello and how it kinda sucks not having people you can call family in your formative years, but if you find something that makes you wanna kick ass and take names and smash shit and take no prisoners and shoot a load all over someone in their sleep, you’re gonna be A-OK. Tully admits that if it weren’t for spite, he’d have no reason to get up in the morning. Somehow they started talking about all the old Beatles movies and Yoko Ono is still a cunt, but at least she’s crazy and talks mad shit about her dead husband who’s monumental band she broke up, but whatever, shit’s all good. The guys talked for a while about how Yoko is the harbinger of Satan and according to Rawdog she’s underrated but this is from a guy who doesn’t think a fast food diet will cause kidney stones. Then he started rattling off names of experimental musicians who the rest of us probably couldn’t give a fuck about, but this point was quickly countered by the fact that just cause you call it art doesn’t mean that anybody’s required to give a fuck. The guys talked music history and shit for a while, and if I was the type who constantly needs to have more degrees to everything than is really necessary, I would have been paying very close attention, but since I just like what I like and try not to be an authority on things, just play free bird and be done with it. Rude Jude stopped by to back up the point that not only does Yoko suck but she also ripped off her schtick from listening to John Lennon’s scream therapy sessions. Jude dropped more of his musical knowledge about stuff and the guys all chatted about future plans for the new studio. Jude is slowly but surely coming around to the new West coast Sirius/XM digs, and no longer feels like he’s dressed too nicely to come to work. Ellis had to take a detour to get to work today and he ended up on some back road that was so gouged out that he very well could have busted something under the Church of Haden’s Porsche. And hopefully, after the Porsche dealer shoots their load all over Ellis’ bank account, he might be able to get the city of Los Angeles to go out and fix the pothole, but not a god damn cent towards the car. Jude told a story about how his little sister got hit by a post office truck and it ended up costing her $35,000 to have other people’s mail delivered to her away from home. Ellis has been trying to take better care of himself lately, like not stressing out so much and getting to sleep on time and keeping the right foot from getting too heavy on the gas pedal because the roads in southern California are fucked. Luckily though, if you really aspire to be some sort of successful fighter, all you gotta do is tap into years of childhood trauma and let that rage fuel you to snap a mother fucker in half. And if you’ve got a self righteous bitch of an ex-wife, well then that’s just all the better. Jude has grown enough that he can understand when not to get bent out of shape about things, and when to take the ultimate control of a situation and get the fuck out if it’s so fucking terrible. Rawdog almost got raped after Jude made this statement, because he’s not the type to react quickly to situations you should get out of. And Tully was able to learn how to handle stress from getting a whole crew of doctors ogle his wonderful Oxford educated balls. Tully lucked out getting a Japanese girl too, cause the McGook baby is at a much lower risk of getting cancer because that’s how Japan rolls, prime stock human DNA with better disease resistance. Unfortunately, the Irish are right near the top in terms of worldwide cancer statistics, so maybe that redheaded almond eyed boy is doomed to suffer for months on end of medical treatments that don’t solve shit. I may be making jokes, but a guy who brings his car to my shop passed away from melanoma a couple weeks ago and I just found out today, and he was a pretty good guy, so maybe I’ll just say this recap is dedicated to him. But hey, more talk about stress and shitty memories can bring anybody out of a funk, as long as it’s someone else doing it and being funny about it. The intern may be a wonderful young lady, but sucks at bringing in tacos when requested to do so. It could have something to do with Rawdog’s molester face which goes completely unchecked when Wilson is out of town. Sam Rubin, who’s going to be fighting Tera Patrick at EllisMania 9, may also be on board with the Asian persuasion, at least the guys think so because he was interviewing one at some red carpet thing and looked like he was about to dishonor her entire family on live TV or something, but Tully was fully on board with this, cause the only way to keep whitey from going extinct due to cancer would be to start diluting them with the superior eastern stock. Jude doesn’t understand what the attraction is, but that’s OK cause most people don’t believe he’s a white guy, probably because he’s just too ethnic to fall into line with the rest of honky kind. The guys decided to have Jude win a date with a white girl at EllisMania and report back on whether or not dat booty smell good doe, so keep an eye out for somebody getting blown under the announcer’s table ringside at The Joint. And while we’re waiting to see this spectacle of white on white crime, how about some Ghostface?
MONKEY BUSINESS MOTHER FUCKERS!!! THEY HAVEN’T STOPPED PLANNING JUST CAUSE WE HAVEN’T BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT THAT MUCH!!! In a little Thai village outside of Bangkok, there’s a village where people are making the worst mistake imaginable and ALLOWING A PACK OF MACAQUES’S TO LIVE AMONG THEM IN A THINLY VEILED PEACE THAT IS SURE TO END IN BLOODSHED because the monkeys have been raiding homes and attacking townspeople at night, stealing food and drugs and even stupid crap like vegetable oil and rice cookers, basically they’re like gremlins but with superhuman strength and no regard for personal space. BUT WAIT FOLKS, SHIT IS WAY WORSE THAN YOU THINK!!! AND ONCE AGAIN PROVING WE NEED TO LOP OFF FLORIDA LIKE A GANGRENOUS TOE there’s a bunch of wild monkeys roaming the everglades passing around the social disease known as HERPES! And you can blame some shithead tour guide who let the animals loose in the first place, but on the plus side it may get rid of everybody in Florida who is fucking up the curve for the rest of us. The guys talked for a bit about shoving a microphone in Rawdog’s ass due to Jason not being able to hit a high note without blowing out everyone’s home speakers. Tully brought gloves and Ellis brought focus mitts and Tussin Wolf is gonna start training TODAY for a fight that will be happening in a few weeks, provided Nick Swardson doesn’t get pulled in too many directions from all the cocaine and vampire hookers he’s gotta burn through in the days leading up to his birthday weekend. Ellis is really working his ass off this year for the whole event, to the point that he’s having stress dreams that he needs to tell his therapist about. Jason is doing a lot to keep everything together so that he can still be a dad and be an awesome mother fucker too, not just some guy that actually takes care of his kids, although that is an achievement in itself nowadays. Also, he’s been having a lot of memories about his dad and lots of other shit coming back lately, and it fucks with him but it drives him too, but it also drives him to not want to do things, it’s a whole complicated web of stuff that I’d probably need to go to college to understand. But the wing is working it out, as only the seventh greatest skateboarder in the world can. There was some talk about whether Death!Death!Die should open for Metallica and as cool as that would be, it’s probably never gonna happen. However, it might be possible to get Jesus Christ and Barack Obama to sit for a private show, that would be pretty cool. There was more melancholy about the job and the show and the definition of success and the fear of it, but it’s nothing the rest of us haven’t gotten to thinking about at some point or another. And then Jason started telling the story of how he snapped his tailbone off at the Plan B ramp with Colin MacKay and how there’s still a big ol’ calcium deposit floating around inside his pelvis. But deep down it was all about motivation and getting off your ass (best term I could think of) and doing something with yourself. And on a less metaphysical note, Chanel from Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory/Ridiculousness might be stopping by the show tomorrow to talk about things and stuff and maybe have a dose of Rawdog’s molester face dropped on her. Ellis has been thinking about how his kids are gonna grow up and having them get into something so they can have goals and be successful, but he also worries about what might be hereditary, cause of all the things he remembers about his own parents. Luckily we have Tully, and he’s the voice of reason for the most part, so he was able to keep Jason from freaking out too much, but at the core of it, it’s just Ellis wanting to make sure his kids have it better than he did, and that’s how parents should be. After all this parenting talk, we finally got around to a nice little training session with the Dog and he’s probably gonna catch a few good ones before Nick Swardson gasses out, but should have enough in him to fire back properly, provided he doesn’t go into kangaroo mode like all those other times we were hoping to see a good fight and ended up watching an afternoon kids show. Tully tried to feed the fire a bit and promised that Rawdog could suck off and rim all of Radiohead if he just trains hard enough to hit a 64 on the punch pad, and although Josh said he wasn’t interested, I think we all heard a little lift in his voice just imagining that scenario. Jason decided to go the other route and instituted the oral rape approach, where after a couple one-twos, if you can’t get away you’re gonna catch an angry blow job. And in remembering EllisManias past, let’s take a breather and listen to Shave My Friends Tonight to get us pumped for this next one.
After coming back, Rawdog started having made up memories about last week when they were kind of play sparring in the studio and he seems to think Ellis cracked him a couple times, but of course you can’t learn if you don’t get hurt, so even if it never happened, it was worth it just for the experience. And in a complete surprise appearance B-Real from Cypress Hill stopped by to shoot the shit for a while. Since the last time he was on the show, he’s been getting fit without having to put the bong away, which is probably not as hard as it sounds. Of course, you can still show up on stoner time, especially if your stoner crew doesn’t tell you that the radio show you’re supposed to be on has moved to a different studio. But at least that’s not as bad of a look as going to the gym all the time being the chunky dude smashing huge weights, when everybody else is actually getting fit doing cardio and crossfit and a mix of other shit. And if you’re a fan of booty, you should get into crossfit, according to B-Real, and he would definitely know a thing or two about some booty. The guys talked about crossfit and how scary it can be to fuck a bodybuilding lady, but even if it’s terrifying, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea. And if you really want it, and you really believe in smashing that poon tang, you will make it happen. The guys talked training and the fights that happened over the weekend and shit like that. B-Real isn’t impressed with most of the boxers these days, cause so many of them probably train with an iPhone duct taped to their massively self important erection trying to watch a video on how to slip and turn, whereas back in the old days when they did 150 round fights and people died or retired poor as fuck, god dammit that’s when people had to learn how to fight. But B-Real is definitely gonna back Mayweather, cause he’s a Cypress Hill fan and that does trump a lot of things you might not want to like him for. B-Real is also an innovator, he just recently came up with an invention that’s a reusable glass tip for you to stick your joint in so you don’t get that cardboard taste from tearing off the top of a matchbook to get all the way to the end. And if you’re a weed smoking fan, it’s worth checking out, so go to phunkyfeeltips.com and get high as a motherfucker without having to cut up your bus pass. and check out breal.tv if you got any spare time, cause he does shit there too. And they don’t discriminate, they have skaters and musicians and fighters (OH MY!!!) all doing shit and being awesome. Before he left we got a round at the punch pad and he scored a respectable 63, landing him at a dead tie with Ken Block and Sebastian Bach. Then he tried it with his left hand and scored dead even with his right hand. And if that wasn’t enough, it’s confirmed that we will be seeing B-Real at EllisMania. And if you’re really feeling adventurous, you can see if he’ll help you perform a chronic colonic. Until then, grab some snacks and try to rejoin reality for a minute while we hear some smooth tunes.
GUYS THERE’S REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF YOU GOTTA KNOW ABOUT YOUR COCK!!! Over in the UK, a guy got into a fight over the price of a bag of crisps or some such shit, and in the whole scuffle, somehow this dude got his knob chomped down on really hard, the crazy part of this story is that the biter only had about two teeth (cause he was British) but was still able to chomp down hard enough that the cock was separated from the body! Just goes to show that you really can’t trust whitey. There was some more jaw jacking and shit, Jason shot down New Music Tuesday so thank fucking Christ for that, the guys did some Wolfknife names for a few people and almost named one of them Yoko but then decided against it cause Yoko is a cunt and doesn’t deserve that kind of respect as being parodied in some afternoon radio show host’s fake scooter gang, then there were a couple of news stories and some final calls and I’m running out of time to finish this fucking recap before the live show, so I’ll just cut it off here and say that YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT WHEN SOMEONE STARTS TALKING TO YOU ON THE PHONE THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY SOMETHING BACK and bla-blah-blah-blah stay off the corner folks, cause crack kills but heroin will make you not care what the crack is doing.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,