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Show recap for Thursday 7/10/2014

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Hey, you know that whole title that says this is the show recap?!?! Haha..fooled you!!!!

Seriously, though, I woke up this morning with every intention of listening to the show today and recapping as fabulously as I always sincerely try to. I started up my SiriusXM app about an hour before the show and it was like, ‘uh, no, fuck you’ and after trying everything that I could think of, it would still not work. So I put out the SOS to the other extremely wonderful people that write for this site and they offered some suggestions and made me laugh and I stopped worrying and had a plan in place for what I was going to do if my app did not decide to start working.

And then shit got real. How real? How about I literally almost died. I am completely serious. I feel like when I first posted about it on Instagram people were all ‘lol that sucks’ and it’s probably my fault since I’m not a dramatic person, and also I only got one picture of the whole thing at a bad angle after it was all pretty much over, so it sort of just looked like a popped radiator hose. But no…I legit had to bail out of an exploding truck. I don’t know how many of you out there are familiar with diesel engines or diesel trucks…but they do this thing when the oil get sucked into the engine and burnt as fuel and the engine keeps running no matter what you do to it…and yeah. That happened. Thank goodness it happened while we were pulled over in a parking lot because the truck had been really jerky and we were passing a strip mall with a NAPA in it. It was low on oil, cause, you know, that’s what the engine had been burning to keep going, so Joe got some oil to put in it. Put the oil in, I turn the truck on, and fucking boom motherfucker. The engine started screaming…holy fucknuts it was the loudest sound ever. Full rev plus. And Joe starts yelling for me to stop revving it and I tell him “My foot is on the brake!”

“What? Turn the truck off!!”

I turn the truck off. It gets worse. Louder, screechier, and smoke starts pouring out everywhere. I have the key in my motherfucking hand and the truck is still running out of control. So he starts yelling at me to get out of the truck but I literally could not move a muscle. Panicked. Because apparently my fight or flight response is stuck in the ‘stay and motherfucking die’ position. Smoke is pouring out of the engine and the exhaust and suddenly Joe is pulling on me, half tugging me out of the open window because I can’t move. I snapped out of it, opened the door and he pushed me into the auto store in front of him. Now..in the parking lot of this strip mall is a truck spewing smoke out of the engine and the exhaust and there is nothing that we can do about it. The smoke was so bad that you couldn’t see. Anything. We’re about three feet from the truck and the other cars in the parking lot and it’s a brick wall of smoke. Gone. At that point, Joe goes back outside and is yelling telling anyone in earshot (that we aren’t sure are even there) to get away from the truck because the guys in the auto store told us that it’s either going to fully catch fire and explode or the engine is going to seize. Fun fact. This is an HVAC truck filled with about 10 pressurized tanks of various highly flammable substances. So if the fire spread and the shit hit the fan for realsies…it was going to be a goddamn massacre. We set off the indoor fire alarms of the deli in the strip mall. There were then some very loud popping sounds and it stopped. The engine seized. The engine flames and smoke died out quickly thereafter and we didn’t kill a parking lot full of people.

I was shaking so hard I couldn’t speak and Joe called the boss. That was a fun interaction, but Joe/Bossman interactions are always that way. The police/fire people came, we talked to them, the owner of the deli got us some waters, and the rest of the afternoon was filled with tow trucks, me and Joe making each other laugh, and saying, “thank fucking god that didn’t happen while we were driving”. But the thing is, it started while we were driving. About 3 minutes before i pulled into the parking lot I was slowing down for a turn when the engine revved. Again, foot not on the accelerator, on the brake, and the engine was like ‘bbbbbbrrrrrrraaahhhhh’.

And then we were asked to go back to work. After the tow truck guy asked if I wanted to work for him cause he could use a girl like me. I did not listen to Ellis. I did not stalk out people’s twitter accounts for info on what was happening or happened and create a fanfiction to fill in the blanks. I didn’t, and I am sorry about that, because I know that’s basically my whole job and you’re prolly bummed out. I really could have used Ellis today, and I’m sure Joe could have used him too. I’m still freaked out. We got home, hugged the baby, and ate dinner that was enormously delicious because we’re both rattled. It was bad. I’m glad that I have Joe, who is cooler than any cucumber than I have ever encountered. Motherfucker should have been a firefighter. The entire time he didn’t even seem phased by what was going on. The only reason he even yelled about the revving at first and for me to get out of the truck was because he had to yell to be heard over the noise. But he did admit that he was scared to death. He was scared that Biz was gonna die (that’s me, btw, I’m his Bizzle Sticks), he was scared that other people were going to die, and he was scared that he had no idea what was going on. For Joe to say that he was scared is an amazing thing, and that in and of itself is a testament to how fucking brutal this afternoon was.

Again, I’m sorry that this was not the recap you were looking for. But, hey, look on the bright side…I didn’t die, which means that I will be back to properly recap for you again next week!! Also, if anyone is really all that bummed out about this epic fail of a recap, I was told that all inquiries can be directed to Joe on twitter @JoeyHoops. He has all the best pics of my boobs (you’ll never get vag, he says that’s all his).

Love you guys!!! Sorry!!

 

PS…I know I was wondering on here about Hotdog The Intern’s IG, and he found me!!! he’s hotdog_theintern and his instagram account is hotdog_theintern and it made me fall a little bit in love with how adorable he is! Check it out!!

 

Show Recap for Thursday 6/26/2014

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Welcome to the best Thursday Recap on the Best Jason Ellis Show Recap Site that has ever existed!!!!! Woooooo!!!

Getting right into it, that sound that you hear at the end of the intro is a baby wold making sounds and it doesn’t sound too happy, but in the video he looks really happy when he’s making all those yelpy sounding sounds…so don’t worry about it too hard guys, it’s just sounds of a happy baby wolf puppy. Ellis gets right into talking about what would happen if he started capturing people and chopping off their arms and feet, and tying their feet together. Would they turn into snake people and start slithering on their bellies and then Ellis would go down in history as the Man who changed mankind by making snake people? Tully thinks probably not because if he did actually manage to keep it going long enough where people started evolving and adapting and having snake people babies, it would take like a million years, and for the world’s population to turn over into snake people (or aqua babies, which Ellis also brings up) it would probably be about 50 million years. And also, 50 million years down the line, if people did remember that the late, great Big Daddy J was the one who started the ball on snake people rolling, the person that would be praised or hated or whatever would not actually bear any resemblance to Jason Ellis and would be a much bastardized version of the person that we would all love to be best friends with. This conversation devolved, or evolved, or tangentially went on to include talk of what would happen if Ellis went the other way around and started attaching legs to snakes to make walking snakes (or, you know, lizards) and Ellis called bullshit on Tully calling them lizards because they would not be lizards, they would be different, duh, and there aren’t any lizards around who are better walking around on two feet than they are walking around on all four and his snakes with legs would walk like men. Dammit. Twitter answered the unasked call and started tweeting pictures and video links to the Jesus Lizard, aka the Basilisk lizard (yes, Basilisk, like Harry Potter, why do you think I knew the name of the Jesus Lizard in the first place without having to google it?) which is a lizard that can run across the top of water…which is kind of more badass than Jesus being able to walk on water. Just saying. They watched the video and talked about the Jesus Christ lizard for a while and that turned into them talking about pound for pound strength and if Chris Weidman would beat a Basilisk in an MMA fight. They came to the conclusion that the Basilisk would win on points, because those little fucks are really fast and Weidman wouldn’t be able to catch it to knock it out.

Speaking of animals and pound for pound and yesterday’s Eagles (if they were larger and able to kill humans, would humans kill them first?) Tully brings up a story of a woman who got shit-whipped by a goose. Like, landed in the hospital for 5 days kind of shit whipped. I think she just fell off her bike and that’s where most of the damage came from and she didn’t want to admit it. I mean, geese are nasty fucks, and I have personally been terrified of them up close because they WILL try and eat your fingers, but I don’t but that it broke her face. The ground broke her face. Ellis calls bullshit on the story for a while saying that he would totally take out a goose (he actually calls them ducks the whole time, ducks are quackie, geese are whacky) before it made a move on him, but Tully calls bullshit on his bullshit because Ellis goes through life considering every situation that could possibly lead to violence and is always ready for it and knows how to properly defend himself, and not everyone walks around life equipped in that way. Ellis admits that yeah, he’d probably be thrown for a few seconds if a goose actually attacked him, but he’s still pretty sure he could take that motherfucker out. Yako on Twitter made a comment about how every 3 year old Canadian is warned by their 3rd birthday about the ferocity of geese and both Tully and Ellis can see that because, as Tully says, “They weeble, they wobble, and yes, they do, in fact, fall down.” And they have a particularly hard time getting back up. I mean, they’re only 3 years into that body and only 2 years into walking around really, so when they go down, they go through some emotions before they even start to think about getting back up.

Don’t forget, California Ellisfam, the show is going to be live tomorrow from Racer’s Edge Go Karting in Burbank California, and the password to get in (because it’s an Ellisfam exclusive event at this point) is Yer Mum’s House. That’s right, you heard it here if you didn’t hear it there, the password is Yer Mum’s House. How appropriate. Ha…I just looked at the website and it even lists that it’s closed tomorrow from 12 to 4 for a private event. Boom. There’ll be tons of people there aside from the ones you hear from on the show on a daily basis and I wished I lived in California so that I could be there too, because I’m gonna be here, in New York, in my shitty life (shut up, I’m stressed to hell right now) not hanging out with TJES and racing go karts. Maybe I’ll pretend the truck is a go kart. We’ll see how that goes. There will be food, and drinks, and famous people, a radio show and a Dingo there. Why would you not go? Oh, but don’t bring your kids. Unless your kid is 16 or older. There will be cursing, Mike Catherwood’s wife has said her vagina may make an appearance, there could be nipples on Kenda Turn, and then, well, you know the show. Don’t make the guys feel weird about doing their show because you decided to bring your 8 year old. Be responsible so that no one else has to.

At this point they go through the button bar and Ellis says he’ll take phone calls about anything and people start calling about the geese and shit and they push a bunch of buttons and Ellis wants to prank call Katie but she doesn’t answer the phone. Hot Dog says that Ellis can prank call his mom, because his mom is around in town and wanted to come for a visit but she got told no. Tully or Ellis make a joke about how they meet the mom’s of all of the interns and Hot Dog goes, “Well, you already met my mom,” and proceeds to tell Ellis, and the rest of us, that he and his mom were at the Harley Davidson book signing event and met him and Hot Dog, back when he was just Nate, told Ellis that he wanted to intern for him and that he has his own college radio show that is on the AM airwaves and Ellis gave Nate numbers to call and people to bug about being an intern and voila!!! Hot Dog is an intern. And a reverend.

Back from the first break Tully comes at us with a news story where a man is suing a stripper to give him back his $2000 because no one ever told this guy that there is no such thing as a refund when you are dealing with strippers. Poor guy. What seems to be more of a story to Ellis and Tully is the reporting correspondent who is telling us about all of this because that guy looks like he does drugs and could have committed a murder or two. Allegedly. Randy Wallace is the name of the reporter and Tully and Ellis spend a good bit of time riffing on him, his various alleged habits, and finding him on twitter where he is quoted as saying, “I believe Cheesecake, Xanax, and Duct Tape fixes everything.” Yeah, it’s not a hard sell that that guy is tripping balls on all sorts of things all of the time.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!! But first, let’s talk about how Will may or may not be banging that girl Ericka, and okay, if he’s not, then is it cool if Tully and Ellis bang her out instead. Will does his flustered, angry, “We’re friends” thing and eventually Ellis deduces that Will friendzoned himself. But, other than that, welcome to the Wolfknives Death Vender, Body Glover, Huge Muffler, Storm Rapist, Cougar Shaft, Puppy Hitler, Poor Man’s Gary Coleman, Ball Sex, Hot Dog Enthusiast, Eagle Precum, Torellini, Elvis HorseDick, Cock Global, The Great Gaper, and Hot Dog (yes, the intern). Has anyone found Hot Dog’s instagram yet? I mean…he’s a self admitted virgin…he has to have one, right? I suck at finding shit like that, so if anyone knows what it is, hit me up on IG or twitter, I’m jennimazky ;)

Time for some long awaited teen advice, peppered with some other stuff, because this was the show of tangents. Seriously. So many tangents. To the first girl who has a crush on her male BFF who currently has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to be that girl, but kind of does want to be that girl, and to the second teen girl who’s wondering if she should do something to make her ex jealous…the answer is JUST DO IT! But also, honesty is a noble virtue to have, but keep shit like this on the down low as you get older, because, well, that just how bitches roll once they get grown. Stop being so honest. The third question is a girl asking if she will develop serious feelings for someone if she sleeps with them, and both Tully and Ellis seem to agree that yeah, probably. They seem to think that if this girl is thinking about sleeping with someone to begin with that she probably already has some sort of feelings for that person and that also, casual sex tends to come with age for women. I’m a woman, and I honestly don’t know. I mean, some people are wired for casual sex, some aren’t, and some people are really good at lying to themselves. I would advise, however, that if you are a teenager, don’t get into the casual sex game. You’re young and stupid and will probably get pregnant. To the girl asking if her friend is a lesbian, Ellis says that you should fingerbang your friend to find out. Then you’ll know. To the teen girl with a smelly dischargey vagina, please go to the doctor. Tully thinks there is no such thing as being a really religious person and a really fun person at least until the age of 30, so young teenager asking, if you’re really religious, people are probably going to be annoyed by you for like another decade and a half unless they too are really religious, sorry about that. And finally, yes, anonymous teen, ugly is a real thing. Ellis says that he’s gotten uglier as he’s gotten older and Tully informs us that there is nothing wrong with being born ugly because being ugly in the right subculture is kind of a thing that’s just embraced, and being ugly is nowhere near as bad as being fat. Ugly isn’t your fault, for the most part, being fat is. It’s halftime!!! Do your pushups, feel whatever round things exist on your body and check them for cancer, and take some time and go to this website run by recent guest of the show, Jack Osbourne about MS. I just went, and wow, Jack is looking good!

Christian is in the studio to do stripped vocals but first, they are going to talk about a lot of nothing for like, an hour. Sorry, guys, I tried really hard to pay attention and be a good sport and recapper and do my duty for all of you out there, but I basically was not feeling the entire show today. I don’t know what it was. There was a lot of dead. It was humid and gross out and I’m kind of cranky on top of it, so I kind of lost the thread around here a couple of times, but they did talk about Anahita who was on TJES last week and is on the Dr. Drew show on TV with Ellis a lot, and how she is going to be karting with them tomorrow and look forward to her boobies when they come around Kenda Turn. It seems like Kenda won’t be back to go around Kenda Turn, but she’s a busy lady, so she’s forgiven. Tully informs us that the Texting and Driving race got axed for various reasons that don’t make the most sense, but there are still going to be other cool races, like the Main Event, and the Vagisil 5000, and a relay race, as well as all of the racing that Ellisfam can do while the guys are you know, on air, doing the show. Tully has a list of famous figures in history who are alleged to have sexually transmitted diseases and the ones that got mentioned were: Al Capone who was suspected of dying from Syphilis while in prison for tax fraud, Hitler was also thought to have suffered from Syphilis due to his tendency to rant and rave and murder people for no good reason, Honest Abe Lincoln is also thought to be a Syphilis sufferer (though he didn’t murder tons of people because of it) and JFK apparently had the Clap. This turned into a discussion of if they guys got a sexually transmitted disease from Cher, would they tell anyone that it was from Cher, and yes, Tully and Christian would tell their doctors until their doctor believed them, but Ellis wasn’t too down to tell anyone about it. Then Ned Beaty who was a guy who got raped in Deliverance got brought up and they talked about him for a while, about random things that I managed to really not pay attention to, and thennnnnnn the got around to doing stripped vocals and songs and things. At this point I was driving and completely unable of taking notes, but I know that they covered Marvin Gaye, Amy Winehouse, Avenged Sevenfold, Soundgarden, Slayer, Nirvana, and Freddie Mercury and David Bowie, and they all blew Ellis’ mind.

Back from the break they were talking about plans for Fourth of July and Ellis doesn’t know what he’s doing but he doesn’t have the kids that night, and Christian doesn’t know what he and his girlfriend are doing so maybe they should figured out what to do for the holiday together with their girlfriends. There was also some talk about Polar Bears and how they are vicious and Katie doesn’t like them, but Ellis does, and it was because some guy’s 24 Million Dollar Yacht that was all on fire and destroyed was called the Polar Bear. Ellis mentioned that the guy who hit him the other week in his Porsche still hasn’t sent photos of his car to the insurance company, but Ellis has sent his in, and if the other guy doesn’t send pics in then it really really makes it look like it was definitely the other guy’s fault, but Ellis is still expecting something crazy to happen that will screw him over, but you know what, whatever. If he has to pay for the car to be fixed then he’ll pay for the car to be fixed, because he’s the one who bought a Porsche in the first place. Boom.

I’m outtie HomeSlizzles, I’ll see you when the show gets back from being on vacation next week!

Things we learned on TJES today:

Tully calls bullshit on evolution. Always.

Tully played basketball this morning

Ellis is going to be really serious and in the zone while go karting tomorrow, but no one can fault him for that cause people get serious about video games

If a goose approaches you, do the right thing, and take it out before it takes you out

There will be giveaways at Racers Edge tomorrow for the fans

Spongebob “Red Dragons” is done by the real voice of Spongebob

Will thinks Ellis and Tully are trying to tarnish Ericka’s honor

Tully is okay with his wife banging Brad Pitt but he wouldn’t want to watch the video

Tully is a rational motherfucker. For realsies.

Ugly people get the opportunity to connect with other people on a deeper level

Dingo is Kevin Bacon in a Monster hat

Ellis would go full romance with Cher

Show Recap for Thursday 6/19/2014

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Guys…i seriously leveled up in my bee-killing skills today. I mean..it’s kind of ridiculous. I’m the Bane of all Bees. I have never felt like such a skilled killer in my life (which is probably a good thing, all things considered). But yeah…I kept those bees away from the Hubbs. Who is allergic to them, not a pussy who is scared of bees. Honestly, I don’t know what he did before i became his helper. A lot of running, presumably. Jobs certainly took a lot longer to get done. The reason I bring this up is because work was pretty busy today, so I didn’t get to take as many notes as I normally would have, so forgive me if this isn’t quite as detailed as it usually is. I mean…I have a really great memory (some would call it scary…actually…most people call it scary- both to my face and behind my back) but there was a segment in the show that was so side splittingly hilarious, that aside from causing me near death by simultaneous suffocation and car crash and causing me to nearly wet myself as I cried…it made me forget fucking everything. A lot of it has come back as I backtracked, so I’m not copping out THAT hard, but yeah…it was that funny. Are you excited? You should be. You should also be slightly sad that you missed such a fucking hilarious segment. Good thing there’s this wonderful site where there are wonderful people so devoted to filling you in on all of the awesomeness that you might have missed. And, oh yeah, Boom.

So…getting into it…it’s sunny in LA and it sucks for you if where you are it’s not sunny and it’s raining where you are, then boo for you. But actually, if you’re listening where you are, then you probably aren’t running around out in the rain getting rained on and that’s good. Or maybe…maybe it’s bad. Running around outside in the rain is a pretty wonderful and liberating thing. Who doesn’t want to run around singing in the rain like Gene Kelly? Ellis would like to…Tully, being the Thespian that he is, has actually played Gene Kelly in a stage play in high school where his high school was rich enough to have it rain on him on stage while he sang ‘Singing in the Rain’ so…fuck you, Tully. Oh, and by the way, if you were listening to The Jason Ellis Show while outside in the rain a few hours ago, you should have somehow known to send Ellis a picture of yourself standing in the rain listening to the show. What was I doing? I was standing in the rain killing bees with ninja like reflexes listening to The Jason Ellis Show. I curse my absence of a third appendage which would have enabled me to selfie while all of that was going on. Sigh. Anyway.

They quickly switch from singing and dancing in the rain that only exists in their minds to talking about Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die and The Jason Ellis Show hitting the road and doing a radio and band tour of Canada because Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die seriously rocks and are like, kind of like a real band and stuff, and maybe they should get serious about rocking if they so seriously rock. Yeah. I write sentences like that on purpose because I kind of love/hate all of you. Just kidding. I love you. And I love those kinds of sentences that fall back and forth all over each other and make you have to pay attention to really get. They are like little word orgasms to me. I know. I’m weird. But there are people out there in the music world talking about how awesome Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die is and asking about Labels and all that rot, and yeah, Ellis and Tully need to get serious about the rocking that they already do and make some shit happen with the band and the show. Around this time Christian presumably is lurking in the hallway or the green room or somewhere kind of visible to Ellis, who calls him in to chat, because, THE BAND, MAN.

No. No, no, no. I take it back. This is not when Christian Hand The Band, Man, comes into the picture. Forget I said anything about it. Don’t ask me why I didn’t backspace and delete him from this wordly existence, because that is so completely beside the point. I cued him too early, Christian is still in the wings, for all intents and purposes, you don’t yet know that Christian is even in the building, he’s still waiting for his first appearance of the day. Because, Horse Force. Duh. And fuck you caller who says that Zebras aren’t Horses. Obviously you aren’t really gelling with the whole Force of Horses. Get lost. Call back and apologize when you can wrap your mind around everything that is Horse Force. Tully brings up, and then regrets bringing up, that he was googling around the internets last night and sadly found that HorceForce.com is totally already a thing, but was surprised to discover that HorceForce.gov was still up for grabs. And he and Ellis agree that the .gov is way cooler, because that’s all like, exclusive and shit. It gives Horse Force some serious street cred before people even know that Horse Force doesn’t even need street cred because the Force of the Horse is that bad ass, because…government. That’s legit. Or, really not all that legit, depending on which side of the conspiracy you come down on. Ellis tells the boys in the green room to hop on that HorseForce.gov shit right away, but they can’t do it, so Tully goes out and the Goobers come in. They banter back and forth for a while and there is some dead air, but it is talked about how Hot Dog looks a little healthier today, which might be because he didn’t smoke a lot of weed today and didn’t drink last night. Points come against him though for his Run DMC shirt (which he, himself doesn’t feel like he should be wearing, but he had no other clean clothes) and makes him look fat. That’s what I love about Ellis. He’s gonna tell you what he thinks. Hot Dog is also totally down to tour with The Jason Ellis Show and the band and walk around stage in some ridiculous outfit and contribute to the stage presence, cause that’s just the kind of guy that he is. CumTard and Jetta are also down to do some touring, which is great, because what is TJES these days without these guys behind the scenes, or in the scene that some of us can’t see anyway, getting tortured and doing some form of work? Tully is able to get a hold of HorseForce.org and Will chimes in to say that he grabbed HorseForce.TV as well, and throughout this whole time Ellis is taking lots of phone calls, because he feels like he hasn’t been taking that many phone calls lately.

Now, now is when we can remember that Mr. Christian James Hand, does indeed exist, because Ellis calls him in to talk about band stuff. They talk about band stuff and about Ellismania stuffs (just that he wants it to be bigger and better and maybe twice a year, nothing about exactly when and where it’s happening this year), and they come around to talking about the Village People and which ones were gay and which ones were straight, and oh my God, some of them were straight? To be honest, I didn’t even know that some of them were gay, and I didn’t even realize that there was a biker involved at all…though I might be the only one. It turns out that in the original group, the Cop and the Biker guy were the straight ones, but they probably had to suck a dick at least once to be allowed in. There was some mention by Christian about Rosebudding which I actually had Hubbs grab my notebook and write that word down (at this point I was driving) because although it is rather disturbing, I felt like it was too…odd to be ignored. Rosebudding is a thing, apparently, that involves a girl taking her anus out of her physical fleshy butthole and another girl putting it in her mouth. Yeah…that’s what I said. I mean…I’ve had so much sex that I’ve blown my box out before (which is super uncomfortable and Hubbs felt really bad about but kind of proud of at the same time) and I really can’t imagine the sensation of being a girl with a blown out ass that is being mouth fondled by another girl. I mean…I’m all for butt-play…but I’m not checking the box on this one, some things are a little too extreme, even for me.

**THIS PARAGRAPH IS ENTIRELY SKIPPABLE IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT E-CIGS***

And, just a side note, there was a caller who wanted to call and talk about how bad e-cigs are for you and blahblahblahblahblah and, fuck you, guy. FUCK YOU. I know exactly which articles that you have read that are making you think that, and those articles are gigantic piles of bullshit strung together with half truths and ‘surface facts’ (read- bullshit that has since been disproven) and fuck you for trying to poison Will away from e-cigs and back to cigarettes. Are you being paid by CumTard? Are you his corner guy? Did you bet your girl that she could fuck another dude if Will won the fight and are having second thoughts about it? Why do I care?  Because Me, Hubbs, and Mumma R all use E-cig vaporizers that helped us quit smoking e-cigarettes and both Hubbs and I researched the shit out of them. The ‘bad’ ingredient in them that everyone keeps bringing up is propelyne glycol, which is an additive in fucking everything from medicine to food that WE ALL EAT, and yeah, it’s a suspension fluid that is in Anti-Freeze…that makes Anti-Freeze less toxic if you accidentally ingest it. Yes, at one point glycerol was found in one brand of E-cigs from china, which they traced back to a single CONTAMINATED batch that was recalled, and was found in trace amounts. How small of an amount is a trace amount? You would have had to have gone through 750,000 e-cig cartridges in a single day to attain a toxic level. So fuck you. Quitting smoking is not easy. E-cigs have been a fucking godsend to my family. And yes, Tully, they aren’t just non-tobacco…nearly every brand that produces E-liquids for use in vaporizers makes flavors with zero nicotine in them, it’s just flavoring and either the propelyne glycol and vegetable glycerin because the habit of smoking is just as addictive as all those fucking chemicals for the orally fixated, like me. *****END PSA*****

Back from the first break, Tully lets us know that next Friday, one week from tomorrow, the show will be Live from Racers Edge Go-Kart racing track place!!! Woo-hoo. They still aren’t sure if it’s going to be an open to the public G-rated kind of show, or if it’s going to be a full TJES and Ellisfam event where anything goes, but, they will be there and you know it will be fun. Tully then plays a ‘mysterious sound’ which is actually a recording of a sound that is making people go insane. Apparently there is a Hum that can be heard in different parts of the world by a percentage of the population in those areas that once they hear, they can’t unhear, and it makes them lose their minds. It kind of sounds like a diesel engine in the distance rumbling away, and people lose their shit because of it. Ellis calls bullshit on it for a while, and there is talk of government conspiracies and cloud seeding and weather control, but, I think, in the end Ellis understands that it’s not a sound that happens in people’s heads, it’s a real, actual recordable sound that no one has yet been able to explain the source of, or understand why only some people can hear it, and why the people who are being driven insane by it, don’t just fucking move to a place where there is no report of the sound being heard by anyone. I mean…I know that up and moving to another town isn’t the simplest of tasks, but if it’s to keep hold on the last vestiges of sanity that you possess? Hashtag worth it.

Ellis wonders when they can start that really funny segment that I alluded to earlier and the answer is when Katie gets there, but she isn’t there yet, so they can either play the Etsy Game or have CumTard give a shock collar review of 22 Jump Street. They throw it to the listeners to give a call in and vote, and in the meantime Ellis and Tully start talking about Santa for a reason that I just can not remember. But Tully asks Ellis at some point where he thinks Santa came from and whether Santa and Mrs. Claus were ever real people. Oh, and now I remember that this whole Santa conversation began in the realm of bodily functions because Ellis says that Santa poops Cinnamon. Oh god oh god…it started because Tully brought up a picture he posted to Instagram of a doll sold in some (Asian) foreign country (there are a lot of them, give me a break) that is shavable and has hair in places that no human should have that amount of hair. This leads to buttholes with that much hair, and then white butthole hair in that quantity, and Santa. Ellis thinks that Santa and Mrs. Claus used to be real people who lived a superverylong time ago and loved each other and were goodgood people who did good things and when they died at a very very old age in their sleep, at the same time, they got put back into their bodies by magic and turned into Santa and Mrs. Claus and were given a legion of immortal elves to help them do their Christmas stuff. I thought it was a lovely story, so did Tully, but Hubbs was meh on the whole thing because he is The Grinch. It’s why I love him so much, he’s my favorite color. They never get around to taking phone calls for what to do while they are waiting to do the funny segment with Katie when she gets there…and they go to a break.

Back from the break, Katie is in the studio and it is Half Time so feel your boobies! Why should you feel your boobies? Because if you feel a lump, you have to go to the doctor and get that shit taken care of. Katie has a scar on one of her boobs from where she had a lump removed when she was 14, which was not cancerous, but still…see!!! Check your boobs! She also has another scar on that same boob from when she needed to have a chest tube put in when her lung collapsed. So yeah, not only are Katie’s boobs awesome (I have never seen them, personally, but I assume they are awesome because she is and they are a part of her) but they have awesome battle scars!! And now it is time for the super funny segment. Here is the setup. Jetta discovered a phone app called Speech Jammer that works by echoing the noise in the room around you, including your own voice, back through the headphones, which seriously fucks with your thought process when you are trying to speak. Jetta, Hot Dog, CumTard, Will, and Tully are all going to take turns with the headphones and app on and try and hit on Katie. Ellis tries it out first, and it doesn’t bother him, presumably because he doesn’t listen to anything when he’s speaking. It was pretty flawless and impressive, although I did think that it all came out a bit quick as though he were really focusing on just keeping talking so that he wouldn’t get distracted by his own voice. But that’s it, just spoke a bit quick. Hot Dog was also able to talk completely normal and was told to get out of the studio. Will. Oh, Wilson. Wilson, Jetta, and CumTard…they were the absolute worse. I honestly cannot adequately describe what they sounded like talking without being offensive. It was like they were really drunk, really high, really tired, and hallucinating while talking through cotton balls and marbles right after being injected by Novocain by the dentist. Yeah. It totally threw off their cadence, their actual ability to form words…everything. Words got smushed together, words got left out, it was fucking amazing. I wish Hubbs had composure enough to film me trying to listen to this and drive at the same time in rush hour traffic in New York. It’s kind of a miracle we survived the drive to the next job. I was doubled over, unable to breathe from laughing so hard, some ridiculous noise issuing from my mouth that is a laugh I have never heard myself make before, one hand on my chest trying to make sure I was still in fact breathing, squeezing my thighs together trying to not piss myself, WHILE DRIVING. It was fucking amazing. Like, the most amazing amazing. I was dying. Hubbs was dying. It’s amazing we didn’t actually die. I loved it. You, you reading this, need to go to SiriusXM on Demand and fucking listen to it, and the ensuing segment where Jetta and CumTard act out a scene between two Gay guys propositioning each other where Will decides to also throw his hat in the ring. Oh. My. God. Ellis posted a video of it to Instagram and there is the fucking link if you want a 15 second preview. Ohmygod. Radio Magic History Amazingness.

Back from the 3rd break Tully informs us what we all knew, that everyone loved that bit with the Speech Jammer App. And that’s what the app is called. Speech Jammer. Go. Record yourself being a moron on purpose. He also decides to start a conversation with Ellis about how old is the oldest woman he’s ever been attracted to and it evolves into a quick conversation of why older men are deemed more attractive than older women, and it’s probably biological. Why is Tully asking this? Because there’s video going around the internet of a man in his 30’s who is all about banging really old bitches. Like…grandma and great grandma bitches. And God…my google history is a scary place in my search to get links for these things. Ugh. This guy Kyle has always been in to old ladies, has 6 girlfriends over the age of 65 and is 31. One of his girlfriends is 91. Why do I think that this guy is either a psychopath or was abused by a grandmother when he was really little and has severe issues? Am I being a dick? Probably, a little. But…he’s gonna wind up killing these bitches. I mean, seriously, their hearts weren’t meant to have so much sex with such a virile young guy? Why do you think he isn’t in a relationship with just one? Because just one of these old ladies would never be able to keep up with fucking a fucking 30 year old. Ever. But it does make Ellis think that he should start a service called Ellis’ Angels where he hooks up young horny guys with old ladies who want to get boned, because then everyone is a winner, and everyone is having sex, and the world is a better place because of it. And yeah…I’m one of those people who believe that my parents had sex exactly 3 times to conceive each one of us children, and really, it might only be twice because I may be a product of immaculate conception (how else could all of this funny, talented, gorgeousness be explained?). Yeah, I want to fuck myself to the grave, with Hubbs, not actually fucking myself…but that’s different because it’s me, I make the rules, and I’m fucking beautiful and am looking into becoming a vampire so I can be beautiful forever and I don’t have to make sense…because I’m beautiful.

The last segment that I heard before my app got fucked (of course) was a bit called Celebrity Street Fight where Tully, Ellis, and Katie discussed who out of groups of two would win in a street fight. It was funny and I was sad when my app gave me the ‘fuck you’ of doom because I was enjoying it as we drove home (finally! What a long fucking day!). Some of the pairings were Robert Downy Jr and Mr. T, where Mr. T would win because Iron Man is too pretty and Mr. T weighs 500lbs and it’s all heart, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci where Al Pacino would win because, well, do you know who Jo Pesci is? Jason Mamoa and The Rock, where the fight would be so brutal but Mamoa would probably win because, if anything, being a pro-wrestler for a part of his career would work against The Rock because he would instinctively pull his punches and Mamoa throws axes around all day. Justin Timberlake would kick the shit out of Justin Bieber, and so would James Franco, and Jim Carey and basically anyone except for Andy Dick because, Justin Bieber for fuck’s sake. Brad Pitt would knock out Clooney, Statham would destroy Jackman (but, oh my god, sexy!), and my Sirius popped back in for a second during the debate of Ice Cube versus Jay-Z where originally the bets were on Jay-Z, but a caller named Jason was a former bodyguard of Jay-Z’s and turned the tide, and the wave broke when Katie brought up the whole Solange elevator thing, and Ice Cube was declared the winner of that. Like I said, this is where I lost it, unfortunately, but I can’t be all that sad, because of that segment that was so hilarious it was hazardous to my health as well as the health of those driving in traffic around me.

Things we learned on TJES today:

CumTard wants to be Knighted

Jetta+CumTard+Hot Dog= 1/2 Tully

Horse Hoodies on 5yo little girls is pretty next level, and the future of hoodies

Katie is not the Yoko of Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die

Katie has peed in a hot tub in the back of some rockstar dude’s limousine

Ellis wasn’t bothered when a woman took him and his friend away for the weekend and paid for everything

Will’s in charge of lollipops and finances

Ellis wants to make West Coast Candies with real liquor inside and keep the party going all day long

Tully can see older women being more attractive because they’re more confident

Katie is awesome

 

Show Recap for Thursday 6/12/2014

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Have you ever gone to a hoity toity event and been realllllllly under-dressed compared to everyone else who is in a suit while you wear a hoodie and watched some old guy with Ed Harris mostly no hair haircut jump and dance around with some hot chicks to some song that he really liked and thought he was a dickish moron for a minute but then have a life changing thought and just been like, “Wow, that’s a happy dude. Good for you, happy dude, have a great night?” No? Oddly enough, I have, but that’s another story entirely.

Ellis jumps right into it this afternoon on The Jason Ellis Show, maybe because yesterday he cut out early to go get Doug with High and then go to a breast cancer event like the good, caring guy that loves da boobies like he is. After going to the Breast Cancer event that was probably a Susan G Komen event Ellis feels like he wants to do good things to help fight breast cancer, because it didn’t sit well with him that so many women get it and that in the African American community women who have breast cancer are 70% more likely to die from it. Damn. That’s scary. Tully brings up that he finds it surprising that there are so many women who really aren’t on top of checking their own boobies and making sure that they aren’t getting cancer because women are generally more on top of their health as a whole. Which is generally a true statement and probably attributes to the whole ‘women tend to live longer than men’ thing, but Tully then brings up that he has always taken healthcare for granted because he has almost always had health insurance and he feels like he’s wasting money if there’s something off and he doesn’t get it checked out by a doctor because he’s fucking paying for it anyway. Well, therein lies the rub, cause there are a lot of people who don’t have health insurance and going to the OBGYN when you have no health insurance is fucking expensive. And don’t give me that whole planned parenthood/clinic angle either, because they don’t just give away free healthcare either, they go based on your income and there are plenty of people who have an okay income and no health insurance and that means that you are paying a lot of fucking money for preventative healthcare and then you can’t eat or feed your family. It’s a clusterfuck. Ellis and Tully also bring up that it’s important for all you men out there to pay attention to your bodies and check your boob area (because men get breast cancer too) and their ball sac because…if you aren’t checking your balls for lumps or if you don’t notice a lump on your balls basically as soon as it happens…what the fuck are you doing all day? Seriously?!!!! This is why women should play with their boobs while they masturbate or while they’re having sex…it’s dual purpose happy fun sexy time and making sure you’re all good in the hood. Hell yeah. Ellis used to think it was weird when girls played with their boobies during sex acts, but he’s alright with it now, and Tully has alllllllways thought it was a good thing because he learned all that he needed to know about sex in his formative years from 80s porn and 80s movie fake sex. Personally…I know my boobies are all kinds of good because I’m a big fan of playing with them and touching them. Not just during sex or if i happen to be masturbating. I am known to randomly, throughout the day to stick my hands in my shirt and give them a good caress. Because I am a hot, sexy, bitch. And, yeah, Hubbs has actually had to remind me that people can see me and to try not to do it too much in front of customers because they might get the wrong idea. Oooops. But, also, you’re welcome. And, hey, if you aren’t in the position to do pushups during Half Time on the show, do yourself a favor and feel yourself up and make sure that there are no lumps and bumps where there shouldn’t be.

Quick shoutout to Mike In Canada and his dad, by the way, who had a 22lb mass of cancer removed three days ago and is doing well and the doctors are giving the thumbs up. That’s awesome. That’s some pretty serious shit. 22lbs. That’s bigger than a newborn. That’s like a decent sized 3 month old. Glad all is well Mike in Canada and Dad, and I know I’ll be sending some good vibes your way to ensure a speedy post-surgery recovery, and I’m sure a lot of Ellisfam is going to be good-vibing you guys as well.

Aside from being busy donating money to Breast Cancer research and taking amusing photo booth pictures with his hot girlfriend Katie, yesterday, Ellis was Getting Doug with High. So Doug with High, in fact, that he left the show early to do it. He has a steady 50 minute smoke-fest with Host Doug Benson and fellow guest Sam Tripoli….who does not smoke weed. And they apparently were ripping pretty hard and that made Ellis talk too much and make fun of Sam’s haircut a bit too hard, but Ellis had a good time and that’s what matters. I didn’t watch any of it, but Tully played a clip of when a magician with a googly eye came round to do some magic tricks and it sounded pretty funny. Ellis was able to call bullshit on two of the guys tricks, but didn’t know how the third one worked, so he said that one was ‘pretty good’. He also apparently caught some flack from people for how he approached the fact that the magician guy had a googly eye…because he did it in his very unabashed straight forward manner that we have all come to know and love. But…how else was he supposed to react to it? He would have asked the guy about it anyway, and he was high on top of it, so…why not just go for it? It’s better than him trying to pretend that it didn’t exist. He said that he talked to the guy…whose name started with a G but I managed to not write down, and the guy liked Ellis and they were cool and fuck all the haters who hate Ellis for being the guy that he is. Boom. Sam got progressively more quiet as the show went on and managed to not talk at all past one point, but I kind of remember Doug Benson saying that it happened with more people than you would think when they came on the show, because it all of a sudden hits them that they are smoking weed in front of the cameras and that shit used to be Hella Illegal everywhere, instead of just the mostwheres that it’s illegal now.
Goodtimes. Goodtimes.

Moving right along, there was a quick mention of the fact that Ellismania 10 might be on the East Coast, at which point twitter exploded, but there was much more focus on the fact that TJES will be at Racer’s Edge for another round of Go-Karting on Friday 6/27 and there is something that occurs to me is important about that date that I should probably remember…but I can’t remember and hopefully I remember before the time comes around. Hmmmm…shit….this is going to bother me really bad. But yeah, there is going to be some more go kart action and hopefully this time Tully won’t get a speeding ticket on his way there turning him into a top contender for the Vagisil 2001 race…even though I guess he would kind of have to be in that race anyway, right? There are a bunch of people already signed on to participate in the Ellis-Karting including Moto enthusiast Greg Fitzsimmons, Andy Dick, Dingo, Christian Hand, Frank Kramer (Heidi and Frank), and…schedule permitting- Kenda Perez and her fabulous bouncing boobies. They get drawn back to the subject of boobies because they want to see bouncing boobies in go-karts and possibly give Kenda Perez a free and friendly pseudo professional breast exam, and the only names that really get brought up are Sam Rubin (but Will’s boobs are bigger than his) and the Porn Star Elizabeth Star, but her boobs are killing her already without the added help of bouncing go-karting and potential crashes (not to mention the innocent bystanders who might be taken out as well).

The one thing that Ellis didn’t get to do last night was watch Hockey and see The Rangers beat the fucking Kings. Finally. Don’t tell me that The Kings are the better team, I’ve been a Ranger fan since i was four fucking years old and i am well aware that The Kings are an all-around better team and I know that 98% of the reason The NYR are even in the Stanley Cup Finals is because of King Henrik…but FUCK YEAH! TAKE THAT! BOOM! THAT WHOLE GAME WAS A FUCKING CIRCUS!!! I’m kinda sad that Ellis missed it because it was a very exciting game and I know that he’s trying hard to get on board with Hockey and he’s enjoying it, but there was a lot more scuffling in the game last night and two players even got penalties for said scuffling. I think he would have enjoyed it. There was a lot of talk about how the Rangers prolly won’t come back to win The Cup all during which I was yelling at the radio because I am a Ranger fan and I will go down yelling at the radio because if i don’t believe that the Rangers can make a comeback and beat those fucks out in LA (sorry…really nothing personal) then there is no chance of it happening. I truly believe this. Make fun of me all you want. If i could grow a beard, I would have a beard. Hubbs and I shall be wearing the same jersey’s tomorrow night, and I forbade his dad (who watched the game with us and is therefore now included in all superstitions) tfrom trimming his beard. Boom. Let’s go Rangers. We want The Cup.

What Ellis did manage to watch last night was Magic Mike, because, why the fuck not. It actually came down to ‘Well, it’s on television and it’s not bad enough for me to change the channel so…’. And Ellis really didn’t think it was that bad of a movie, and that turned into a whole shebang that I’m pretty sure most listeners didn’t want to hear. At all. Yeah. I saw the movie when it came out because all the girls are work wanted to drool over PermaDumbface Tatum and I find McConaughey sexy enough to be convinced to go along with them…and it was amazing and horrible all wrapped up into a movie about mostly naked guys. Tully tells Jason that Magic Mike was Channing Tatum’s baby because Channing Tatum used to be a male stripper…and there was lots of talk about strippers and stripping and judging from my twitter feed…basically none of you wanted to hear it. So…I will nutshell it to- It would probably be really bad for there to be a male fan strip contest at Ellismania 10, because…yeah.

Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news where there’s kicks and punches and arm bars and all sorts of things going on and people taking TRT. Which is the real issue here. The Nevada State Commission of people who make things more difficult for older fighters to fight have made using Testosterone Replacement Therapy an illegal thing in the UFC and that’s eliminated people like Vitor Bellafor unable to fight anymore because it’s not easy to get off TRT when you need it…and you can’t really get that shit unless you need it. Most recently in the news, Chael Sonnen has also been banned for using the TRT (actually for using things to try and get off of TRT). Ellis is kind of behind Sonnen because the fighter is owning up to using the drugs and not contesting the fact that the drugs were found in his system. That’s called taking it like a man, ladies and gentleman. It’s sad that we are having to say goodbye to some MMA greats because of these new rules and because there was nothing written in to the rule that allows the fighters a period of time to get off of the stuff, but there are a bunch of exciting new up an comers in the UFC and MMA that we’ll be able to watch for years to come.

Now for some Hollywood News!!!! Who Cares??? I dunno…but there are people out there who care about things like Halle Barry having to pay her ex $16 Grand in child support/spousal support, so I’ll take the time to mention it. That’s a lot of money, but she’s in the new X-Men movie, so she can probably spare it with the change in her pocket at the end of the day. Either that, or we can look forward to a good decade of Halle Barry and Nicolas Cage movies that are gloriously horrible. In other Hollywood News, Master P has lost custody of 4 of his children to ex wife Sonia Miller. He didn’t show up for a court date related to the child custody case in a misguided attempt to dispute the custody case which he alleges was brought against him due to his ex’s greedy need for money to support her party habits, when in reality, he probably should have tried showing up and exposing the ex for her booze-hound ways. More kids of celebrities in the news are the late Michael Jackson’s progeny Paris, Blanket, and Prince (who may not actually be his children by birth and are more likely babies brought from Russia) who get a yearly allowance based on the worth of Michael Jackson’s Estate (which is only making more and more money since he died) and that allowance has risen from 5 million per child, per year, to 8 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS PER YEAR, PER CHILD. HOLY FUCKNUTS. I can’t. I just can’t. What do they do with this money…whatever they want, basically, those lucky lucky kids. Damn. Damn. Damn. I can’t talk about this. Can I have an 8 Million Dollar allowance? I mean…even if it’s only a one time allowance? I’m pretty sure I can get some mileage out of that. Sigh. In some other Hollywood news, R. Kelly’s 14 year old child recently came out to the public as Transgender (female to male) and it’s reported that R. Kelly hasn’t spoken to him or doesn’t even know about it. Ellis decides to reserve judgement until it come’s from the horse’s (R Kelly) mouth, and that’s some pretty heavy shit to deal with, especially considering the Hip Hop Scene (I feel soooooo lame saying that for some reason) and their general feelings toward the LBGT community. There is some talk about how Ellis or Tully would cope with a child who comes out as Transgender at such a young age, because once you get into surgery there’s no coming back from that and that’s a pretty drastic undertaking for someone who isn’t a legal adult. But, in the same breath, forcing a child to go through puberty and develop sexual organs that they don’t feel like they should have could be pretty psychologically damaging. That’s pretty tough. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d never try and interfere, I guess, with how my child perceives him or herself, but surgery…man…that’s tough. The only person I know going through the transition is my age (27) and has been living male probably since we were around 18 or 19…but is still in the process of having the surgery. And that’s a lot for him to deal with as an adult…so…being young like that…ugh. Ugh. Life is confusing, guys. And also, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that water has feelings. Ha. Good thing she’s hot.

Time for Half Time! Push ups and Breast Exams!!! and a break!!!

Back from the break there is some pot news!!! There is now a cannibis oil infused lube that gives woman a sexy kind of high because vag’s have super absorby membranes and HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THAT THIS VERY SITE, NO YOU ARE, GOT A SWEET SHOUT OUT FROM TULLY!!!!! All thanks to the Bitpimps, who was conversing with Tully to get a copy of the Jason Ellis Skateboarding Game for the site, which led Tully to register Tweetagram.com aka THE Holy Trinity of Social Media on the Internet (maybe) and yeah…that shout out happened and I was all #boom and felt cool that the wonderful guys here like me and asked me to write for them and I got all nostalgic over my fifteen minutes of fame one year ago in August where my blog was read on air and the warm fuzzies ensued…and I’m really so happy to be a part of something like this. I get to write, I get to interact, I get to hang out with the cool kids…it’s a pretty sweet deal. Thanks guys!!! Hi Tully, if you’re ever reading this, I want to be your friend and talk about books and writing and shit and be lame and annoying and have nothing to say to you regarding Hair Metal, but plenty about babies and marriage and stuff. *waves frantically like a geek*

Okay..so…where is Chad Mendez? Who is Chad Mendez? What’s going on with Chad Mendez? Chaz Mendez is an MMA fighter in the same camp as TJ who was on either last week or the week before (aka The Guy who one punched his way right past Ellis’ punch pad record) and gets trained by Duane to kick better ass in the Octogan. And…at this point I was only half listening to the show because my kid is home and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him last weekend while Hubbs and I were in Jersey so I allowed myself to be super distracted by him and his cute tales of his life since I last saw him (he was asleep by the time we got home Sunday, Monday, and fricking Tuesday :( ) and I’m kind of over the whole  let’s have a fighter on to talk about fighters because I feel like every other show one or two is on and all it really says to me is that Ellis is really itching to get back to training…but the major points I pulled out were that he is slated to fight Jose Aldo, the champ, who has previously knocked him out, but he has been training hard and getting better and Jose Aldo has kind of plateaued, everyone at the camp has known each other for a long time because they mostly came up through wrestling and that’s a pretty small community, their gym is awesome, Ellis is going to go to the gym, he’s fighting Jose Aldo at UFC 176 on August 2nd, and some fat guy tried to fight him in a bar once and Chad slapped him and told him to sit down. He can jump super high, has a girlfriend, didn’t punch the pad, and would not kill Ellis’ parents dressed up as a bear, but maybe as a Cougar.

There was another break and my sirius got a little weird for a minute, and when it popped back in Ellis had mentioned something about Joel and Benji and it took me a minute to figure out what they were talking about, but it had to do with the paparazzi and the private lives of celebrities and TMZ being crazy and paparazzi being sleazy and the whole pedarazzi thing and then the show went out with a don’t die question of ‘If you were 12 years old and had 8 million dollars a year to blow through, what would you do?’. And you know what? A whole lotta callers would want to be Batman. Who the fuck wouldn’t?

Things we learned on TJES today:

Tully is on top of his nuts

Ellis wants to bang an Oil Miner, Crossfit Champ, and Tennis Player

Twitter is 50% fake outrage

It’s fun to fuck with Same Tripoli

McConaughey had to lean back real hard in Magic Mike to make his abs pop

Girls are basically dudes…we’re just better at diguising it

Blanket Jackson should be referred to as Bill from now on

Liz Taylor’s Vergina (Tullyism) has been closed for years

You’d cry too if you were being ‘healed’ by a moron

Petite Mousey Girls are hot

 

My son just told me that he misses me every second that I’m not around and I had one of those ‘I love you so much I might die’ moments…so I’m gonna go be a mom for a while. Love you ellisfam!!!

Recap for Thursday June 5, 2014

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Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show hosted by that guy that we all love with the big powerful voice that can rule the world with his mouth. Boom…did you get that Cullen? Hahaha…I got a good chuckle out of that…but if you’re gonna rule the world with anything, why not your mouth? Especially when you are Jason Ellis, Kind of the West? All sorts of appropriate inappropriateness. Getting right into it, the thing that you have been waiting for that you probably weren’t aware that you were waiting for: Today is the day of the Pile of Shit Games!!!! Woo-hoo! The crowd goes wild! There is cheering and jumping and yelling and riots in the streets because no one knows what the hell is going on anymore!!! Well…the Pile of Shit Games is TJES answer to the shittiness that has become the X Games. They are surely going to be bigger and better than the X Games could ever hope to be, as they are happening on TJES, and because *cue the big booming crescendo-y music* Sal Masekela is going to be in studio today to do what he does best and commentate the Pile of Shit Games. By the way, from this point on the Pile of Shit Games will be referred to as the Excrement Games because one listener is a fucking genius and should have been at the meeting yesterday. Ellis and Tully are super pumped about having Sal Masekela on the show because he is a super cool guy, and they have been trying to get him to come on the show for years. Years! Since Tully was a producer! That’s how many years! Ellis is so pumped on it himself that he’s not even really going to believe that Sal is actually going to be on the show until he sees him there in the Green Room, and who can blame him since apparently they would always get sososososo close to having him on the show and then *poof* no Sal Masekela for Ellis, or Tully, or Jenni. Yeah…I threw myself in there. Fuck you.

In other news, while they’re waiting for Sal to either show or be a no show Ellis talks about how he watched Hockey last night. And Hockey is kind of Mega. Better than Football, mega. So Mega, that if aliens came from another planet to judge us based on the sports we play, they would think Hockey players are the most skilled athletes out of all of the athletes on Earth because damn, there’s a lot that goes into it. Ellis said that 90% of Canadian fans were super thrilled that he was finally giving Hockey a shot, and probably are even more so now that they know that he enjoyed it and didn’t think it was a big wank. I know I’m all squeeeeeeeeeee that Ellis enjoyed the game because I loooooooooove Hockey. It is the only sport that I am into and HOLY FUCK THE RANGERS ARE IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!! They haven’t been in the finals in forever and the last time that they won The Cup was legit 20 years ago. I was seven, in the first grade, and there was only one Islander fan who was booing the Rangers the entire time and his name was James. I remember his last name too, like the creep that I am, but I feel like it’s weird to go blasting it on the internet 20 years later. The Kings won the game last night in OT, and Ellis tweeted some sort of LA Kings positive tweet and a fan got on him for being a jump on the wagon type of guy, which is bullshit, because Ellis just wants to try and get into Hockey for his fans. And yeah, Hockey fans are kind of assholes because no one likes Hockey until they love hockey and there are a tone of people who start loving it this time of year because it’s the finals and that shit is super intense and exciting and some next level shit.

AND HOLY CRAP SAL MASEKELA IS IN THE GREEN ROOM RIGHT NOW. Except…not right now…this was like…5 and a half hours ago right now. You know. Whatever. BUT HE IS FINALLY ON THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!! Cue the entrance music and stop flexing at Ellis through the glass and get your butt in there, Sal Masekela!!! Sal sits down and tells Tully that he caught him Wikipedia-ing him and there was a little sidebar about how Ellis stays away from Wikipedia because it’s kind of bullshit and people change shit around on there just to be dicks. But, Sal Masekela, ESPN correspondent, Red Bull, Clippers Fan, all around awesome guy, is in the studio. Ellis and Sal reminisce for a bit, Sal tells Ellis that he loves Katie and loves seeing his life on Instagram and that he gets a little envious, and they discuss why Sal isn’t with the X Games any longer (they didn’t want to pay him the money that he deserved, and he was getting all excited over the direction that Red Bull was going in) and to be honest, my SiriusXM app was acting like a dick and I kept missing chunks, so I don’t know exactly what they talked about, but when it started working again Sal was telling a story involving George Clooney and an interview that he did with him and how he was traveling with someone else from the same network that he was working with and that bitch was a straight up bitch. And then…the reveal. The bitch. It was Giuliana Rancic. Yeah…that bitch. But, Clooney, being Ca-looney saved the day by being his all around spectacular self and when Giuliana went over on her interview time (they were both supposed to get 7 minutes and she went for 12) Clooney told his publicist that no, Sal Masekela does not have only three minutes with me, he gets to do his interview. Fuck you. I may or may not have added the fuck you. Whatever, Sal says that life is too short to hate on people like Giuliana Rancic, but she’s not nice, and Ellis says that he and Tully will hate on her on his behalf, as well as because they just don’t like her to begin with. She looks like a Chihuahua.

Back from the first break….Dun da-da-da, it is time for the Excrement Games to begin!!!! Sal Masekela slips right into super professional announcer voice and the games begin with the first event- Thumb Wrestling. The first round of thumb wrestling was between Jetta and Tully, a man with a 32″ vertical jump and a 31″ penis and it is a short, but heated match-up. In the end Tully triumphs over Jetta and his floral sneakers, and it goes to Kevin ‘The Man Who is 90% Shit CumTard’ Kraft versus Jason ‘Fuck Your Paper and Your Words’ Ellis. If you were on the edge of your seat reading this wondering who would triumph…you sir, are a moron. Of course Ellis and his Man Hands came out on top of the cyst-y sweaty thumb of CumTard. Silly reader. Next up is the match between Tully and Will, which is more of a nail-biter, because Tully faces elimination at this point, and then gets eliminated, leaving the final round between Will and his girthier than Ellis’ hands and Ellis’ Jiu Jitsu thumbs. There was some back and forth, a quick attempt at submission by Will that Ellis sprang out of just in the nick of time, and some serious yelling by the guys as Ellis becomes the first Medal Winner of the First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by the Jason Ellis Show and hosted by Sal Masekela.

They move right in to the Second Event which was a sexy round of Shake Weight Stare Down!!!! First up, Sal Masekela throws his hat in the ring for medal contention and goes up against Ellis to see who can jack off a shake weight while participating in a staring contest. Sal ‘Two Hand BC Have You Seen My Dick’ Masekela didn’t last long against Jason ‘Don’t Make Love Eyes At Me’ Ellis because he blinks when he cums and Ellis has a beautiful orgasm-inducing face and then there is some talk about how the Shake Weight is the worst thing ever, but the makers of it undoubtedly made a shit ton of money because people are done. Then there was a quick chat about how it’s only okay to cum with your eyes open if the other person isn’t looking or if there is a big, mutual romantic stare down thing going on, and then the second pairing of Michael ‘Eyes Like a Reverse Salamander’ Tully versus Kevin ‘Eyes Will Steal Your Soul’ Kraft. CumTard was the quick winner of this round, as Tully is a rather blinky fellow, and it is time for Ellis and Cumtard to duke it out for Gold while making really offensive faces at one another. But, as we already know, staring into Ellis’ face is the quick path to blinking because it’s hard to stare into something as glorious as the sun for long without blinking or burning out one’s retinas…which I’m sure would also cause you to blink, or close your eyes to staunch the flow of bloody tears falling out of your eye sockets. Jason Ellis…the man with the face who will make you cry blood tears. Before the break Tully informs us that Aubrey Marcus from Onnit will be calling in shortly to continue his series on getting us fucks to be a little more healthy on the daily, and Sal Masekela mentions that starting the Paleo Diet changed his life, because when you start to be able to see the Finish Line, you need to evaluate the things that you are doing in your life.

As we rejoined the show back from the break Sal has put on his sunglasses in an effort to be more like Big Daddy Jay and comments that Ellis really is the best. Ellis talks about how it’s crazy that this is his job because it’s not even really like a job, it’s just awesome, but Sal gives those of us who aren’t a part of OfficialJasonEllis.com a peek behind the scenes of what goes on during the break, saying that they function like a well oiled machine and that Ellis and Tully have the utmost respect for one another’s ideas. Woo! But Aubrey from Onnit is on the phone to keep telling us about ways to have more energy throughout the day. Last week, for a quick recap, you can check out my recap…hahahahahahahaha. This week…he’s phoning in (but not phoning it in) to tell us that we will have more energy in our daily life if we work on eliminating stress from our lives and toxins from our bodies. Humans apparently, weren’t really made to be as stressed as we have all become, we’re supposed to be chill most of the time and then the stress response was supposed to come into play in short bursts like, say, if we were being chased by a predator. Stress releases a hormone called cortisol, which is fine in little doses, but kind of sucks for all of us in the levels that are built up from chronic stress, and cortisol depletes brain function, halts digestion, and affects a bunch of other processes in the body because it’s prepping all of that extra blood to go to things that we would need to function if we were running away from a predator trying to eat us for dinner. So, what are ways that we can work on dealing with the stress? Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as ‘letting it go’ for most people as Sal Masekela suggests, but there are some simple things we can do, like chewing gum (natural sugar is better than fake sugar…or try toothpicks), music, laughter, being in nature, and meditation. Meditation can be tricky, and if you don’t have the time or resources to head down to Peru and try Huachama and Vilke like Aubrey did to help figure out the state that you should be in to get all meditate-y, you can check out sensory deprivation chambers, which will put you in a similar state. There’s also yoga. Yoga is all kinds of chill. I agree with that. I’m turning into a real yogi and that shit is wonderful. Another thing that we can do to up our energy levels is to stop ingesting toxins. At this point, if you’ve been paying attention, we’re pretty aware of what’s in food, drinks, cigarettes, and things like that that are bad for us, but we should also be paying attention to what we put on our skin. Why? Because between 65 and 100% of the chemicals that are in things that we put on our skin get absorbed through the skin and go into our bloodstream. The scrotum is the best at absorbing these chemicals, so stop slathering lead paint on your balls, guys, and the other big offenders are the forehead and armpits. Try switching to organic deodorants that don’t have aluminum and shit like that in them. Also, your toothpaste has a shit ton of chemicals in it, and though we’re not quite sure yet what all the flouride is going to do to us, wouldn’t switching to an organic toothpaste be better?

Back to the Excrement Games, it’s time for Event Number 3- Mario Kart! It’s a rousing round of Mario Kart that the guys play, the leader constantly switching between Jetta, Tully, and Ellis- Will was playing but even though he’s the father of three boys he has absolutely no skills when it comes to playing video games and I’m pretty sure he was never actually in the lead. Jetta, taking advantage of a green shell that Tully expertly aimed at Ellis, who was in the lead, comes from behind and wins it in the third lap, giving him both his first medal and his first gold!! I mean, really, his nickname is Jetta, after his car, at least it almost sort of makes imaginary sense that he won the Mario Kart game.

Event Number Four in the Excrement Games is a Best Trick Competition using the Ken Block RC Cars. Ellis doesn’t want to go first, not wanting to risk that the other guys will copy his sweet moves, so CumTard is the first one to give it a go. He thinks it will be a good idea to drop his pants and display his leather thong while trying to jump his Ken Block car through a piece of paper and from one ramp to another. He fails, because he is CumTarded, and Will is the next one to go…and it looked like he was going to go straight out of the window. But, he didn’t because Jetta and CumTard form a human shield against the window and it winds up not mattering because Will misses and fails to inflict any bodily harm. Ellis is up next and he is going for a classic ramp to ramp jump, nothing complicated, because why pull out all of the stops and give it away to a goober? But! Gasp!!! Ellis jumps the car short, and it is all coming down to Michael ‘I’ve Been Waiting For This My Whole Life’ Tully who tapes some deodorant to  the top of the car and goes for a ramp to ramp ‘Double Pits to Chesty’ AND HE FUCKING NAILED IT!!!!!! At this point Sal tells Tully that he always knew he was a funny guy, but now he knows that Tully is actually a comedic genius, and Tully takes the time to thank his sponsor LinkedIn and his Dark Overlord, Satan.

There’s a quick stoppage in the game for a medal count, which at this point lies thusly, with only 2 events remaining:
CumTard; 1 Gold Medal
Sal Masekela: 1 Bronze Medal
Jason Ellis: 1 Gold Medal, 2 Silver Medals, 1 Gold Medal        IN THE LEAD
Jetta: 1 Gold Medal
Will: 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal
Tully: 1 Gold Medal, 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal

The Fifth Event in the Excrement Games is Rock, Paper, Scissor and they get into it with Will calling out Tully for the first round. Tully’s rock crushed Will’s scissor and he waits on the sidelines to see who he will face in the semi-finals. Jetta’s paper would have covered CumTard’s rock, but Jetta gets DQ’d by Sal Masekela for not adequately throwing out his hand, and CumTard goes to wait in the wings with Tully. The third round in the preliminaries is Ellis versus Sal, and Ellis destroys Sal’s scissor with his mighty rocking fist. Boom. CumTard sizes up Tully and deftly cover’s Tully’s rock with his Paper, and the final round is CumTard versus Ellis in a Best of Three. The first round goes to Ellis. The second round goes to CumTard. Everyone is on the edge of their seat to see who is going to bring home the Gold in this event. There is a misthrow, which Ellis wins, but Sal calls for a re-do. Again…the tension mounts. Who is going to win this EPIC Rock, Paper, Scissors Throwdown? Who? Will it be Ellis, the favorite? Or will it be CumTard, The Underdog? The guy that if Ellis weren’t facing off against, that Ellis would root for, because Ellis loves an underdog? One, two, three!!!! And Jason ‘I Mine Gold For a Living’ Ellis DESTROYS Cumtard and brings home yet another Excrement Games Yellow But Supposed to be Gold Medal!!!! The crowd goes wild! It’s amazing!!! Ellis starts crying and thanking Odin and women are weeping and their panties are dropping….it’s EllisMANIA. Ha.

Time for the Final Event- Hoola Hoop-Off! Of course it’s not at simple as just hoola hooping (which is not simple, in my opinion, because I suck at it) but has the added twist where the hoola hoop-ee will also be under fire by the gallery who are all armed with rubber bands. Will is up first and he manages a respectable guy time of 2.91 seconds while being blasted by rubber bands. Cumtard is up next, pantsless in his leather thong, and lasts a surprising 13.38 seconds, his hips swiveling with such a force that the sight of his dick is unleashed on innocent bystander Sal Masekela who then nails Cumtard in the dick with a rubber band without even looking. Jetta and his coordinated shoes and shirt are up next and he only lasts 2 seconds because Tully couldn’t even press the stop button fast enough. Sal takes up the hoop next and lasts 3 seconds, putting him in silver medal contention, but Tully talks a big game as he picks up the hoop for his turn. He lasts longer than Sal, who calls bullshit, and Tully offers to go again and lasts only 1.34 seconds…or definitely not as long as Sal, so that is the official time. Last up, here comes Jason ‘I Got Kids Motherfucker’ Ellis with a mind boggling 18 second long Hoola Hoop!!!

And that’s the games folks!!! The First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by The Jason Ellis Show and Hosted by Sal Masekela have come to an end!!!! Ellis is the undisputed winner of the games, and Sal doesn’t want to go, but his hot publicist is giving him the ‘It’s Time to Go’ face. He wants to come back soon, and says whenever he’s invited and is in town he will definitely come by. Tully asks him how he feels about being bitten by predators, and since he has no problem with that so long as they’re not venomous, it seems like Sal Masekela might be back sooner rather than later for Sting Pong.

Back from the last break…Tully brings us a news story involving cops and their wives and their swinging ways and the fight they all got in to and pulled guns and nonsense and a cop called the cops on the other cop because cops should probably never be involved in Swinging because there are only two kinds of cops: Fat Cops and Cocaine Cops. The Don’t Die callers are calling to answer the question: What would you do if you just won Gold in the Excrement Games and you got to go home and Fuck your boyfriend who is Al Pacino? My Answer? Lots of lines off of Al Pacino’s cock, that’s what. ;)

Things We Learned on TJES today:

Katie’s Dick Tattoo was just a Sharpie…they’ve got kids, guys

Ellis has a kind heart, but sometimes he’s insecure and hungover and mean to people

Ellis’ cock is back to 150% following his heart surgery

TJES is 360 degrees of awesome lately

Tully would be an evil mastermind of doing insane shit with $100,000 if he were a billionaire

There should be a porn chick named Allie Money

Welcome to the Pack New Wolfknives!!!! Spaghetti Nachos, Leg Room, Scabby 2 Dope, Cock Lightening McQueen, D-Rob, Scleroshima, PooFingers McGee, Juice Hooker, Alligator Snatch, BILF, Bitch Little, Helicopter Plastic, 4 Potatoes and A Log, Dr. AssTeeth, Byron Cullen, Illegal Beefstorm, and Clark Gable!!!!

 

 

 

 

I fucking loved the Excrement Games!!!! Can there be summer and winter ones so I don’t have to wait a year to hear this all again?!?!?!?!?!?!?