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Show Re-cap For Friday 8/24/2012

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On this 24th day of August in the year of our Lord John Connor & The Resistance 2012, we celebrate it being a Friday by aggressively not giving a fuck. Amen, brothers and sisters. So big surprise for you sisters, you have balls – no dick, just balls. And that’s okay, but us brothers have dicks to go with them balls, we talk to our dicks, our dicks are cool – just sayin. Housewives need a good pounding, and I couldn’t agree more – I’ve done my fair share of pounding my own wife, right in her twat – and it was sweet. Some bitter dude on Twitter said Ellis sounds like a wanna-be Stern and is a hack, but that turd eater don’t know shit from shinola so, yeah! There’s another you inside you, deep inside you – and it likes to start off slow but quickly gains a faster and faster rhythm until you climaxes.

Ellis and Rawdog are going to see who can last longer in a hot or a cold environment, once again, the bet is Ellis has to eat 3 Rawdog meals and Rawdog has to eat 3 Ellis meals, and Tully’s just gonna eat it all because he’s in-fucking-sane like that. Lance Armstrong, not to be confused with Stretch Armstrong, has been stripped of all of his titles amidst the steroid use controversy. He has been banned for life from the sport as well, which who gives a shit really because I thought he was done anyway. Some caller chimed in to correct this whole situation by stating it was only the US anti-doping agencies are the ones burning Lance at the stake, not the International Cycle Union – which again, who gives a shit. Ken Shamrock tried to break up a chick fight when some massive hose beast jumped on his back and he put her ass on the floor, he thought it was a man. That’s an ugly bitch. Yea, I said it! So what? Suck on my inner me’s dick, man!

One of the hot porn chicks that was part of the super slow-mo shoot Ellis and Rawdog did over the previous weekend came in on the show today. She drinks, smokes weed, sticks things in her vagina, you know – porn star shit. Speaking of porn, Brazzers contacted Ellis yesterday but nobody knows what for yet, they said they’re fans of the show. But I suspect Brazzers might have other business adventures in mind, you hear me Rawdog? You wanna be a star? This could be your big break into the porn industry! There was some Canadian power couples talk on the show today, and I completely zoned out for most of that segment. That is until hordes of Canadians got all butt hurt and called into the show to voice their objections, kill humor, and completely ignore the joke that flew over their heads, dropped bombs, circled back around, dropped more bombs, and then dropped pamphlets to explain the joke. Okay, okay, okay, I was exaggerating about the “hordes” part, it was probably only like a handful or so, but still – holy shitballs!

Can someone please tell me why it’s only Faction 41 that goes out on the app or online player? Seriously, every fucking time the feed goes silent, I switch to any other channel and it plays instantly – go back to 41 and still no fucking feed. Why is it only that channel? This is ridiculous and someone needs to get down to the bottom of this! WILL! Fuck! Okay, I’m done complaining for now. But watch the fuck out channel 41, I’m on to your antics. Some computer tech dude called in on his Bluetooth ear piece, looking like a doof I’m certain. He wants to move in with Ellis, because two straight dudes at 40 years of age living together is pretty much normal. Which reminds me, shortly after, I ran into that same caller and your mom! They came into the same diner I was at, sat down at the counter next to me, and your mom ordered a bowl of chili. The waitress told her that I had just ordered the last bowl, so your mom looks over to see my bowl of chili untouched. She asked me if I was going to eat it. I told her no, so she took the bowl and just starts chowing. About halfway through the bowl, she looks down and sees half of a dead rat. She immediately vomits back into the bowl. I told her, “yea, I made it about that far too.” OH!

Wallpapers

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These are called “wallpapers” and you do stuff with them..

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 8/21/2012

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Jude always gets some sort of applause.

Fair warning here, I missed a lot of the show today, but it’s all good. I think I got enough to make you sweat C & C Music Factory style! Rawdog’s tired today, and probably pilled out from his healthy lifestyle kidney stones. Enough so that Ellis called him on it right when he walked in to the studio before work, which automatically put Rawdog in a weird mood. He hung out with his chiquita (Brocolina) last night and drove her non-driving ass home. He also protected her from a raving, rabid dog on dem mean skreets. And since it’s Tuesday, our pal @rude_jude came on the show today and began talking in his latino home girl accent, confusing Rawdog as he got turned on by the accent and words, but was looking at Jude. Also, just in case Rosie is reading this, you should know that the more you get teased, it just means we love you that much more – well Rawdog really, but by extension I suppose.

Kids these days, golly!

Think about this kiddies, a lot of today’s kids don’t know shit from apple butter, or at least they don’t know a lot of shit some of us older people know. To be more specific, today’s 18 year-old crowd – they’ve never experienced many things that were the standard in some of our times. And now, here are just a few of those things that are completely lost on today’s youth: Mailing a letter (snail mail for you youngins), pointing to your wrist to ask for the time, Nirvana is classic rock to them, Ferris Bueller could be their dad, they’ve never had to watch scrambled porn, OJ Simpson has always been famous for alleged murder instead of football, they have no recollection of Michael Jordon playing basketball, they were not glued to the TV watching the fall of the Berlin Wall, some (or even most) of them probably can’t write in cursive, etc. It’s kind of odd for the older generations to think about these things that were so common, yet have become so obsolete. So there ya go – feeling old now? If not, than you’re probably young.

So you say you’re a new intern?

According to Tully, Geena Davis is the female version of Jeff Goldblum… and he’s fucking right! I’ve never really thought about that – you can understand why I’d block her from my mind – but after him saying that, I’m limp and may have erectile dysfunction. So a big fuck you goes out to both Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum. Potential new intern on the show today, “Charles”, who has worked in radio before, he’s 37 and going back to school for radio – particularly he would like to produce. Thirtyseven. Back to school. If you’re just now learning what you want, the road ahead is going to be bumpier than driving over the trash at an abortion clinic. Is that even a joke? I don’t know, I’m tired and give about zero fucks.

Anyway, he was there, introduced himself, and fielded a few questions from the guys – so we’ll see what happens. I would guess he’ll get his shot at being berated by everyone, so start thinking of nicknames for this third-world crack smokin’, pipe-dream havin’, potential intern. Don’t act like I’m some sort of mean guy. You know how everyone is, we don’t like new people at first and treat them suspect until they get a chance to eat our shit and then we judge them on how well they eat our shit. It’s the same all over the world I tell ya. The first time I shit in your mother’s mouth – I had to punch her in the jaw to help her chew it. She’s obviously gotten a lot better at it, as you can see by the six 1 dollar bills she gets to bring home at the end of a night of shit eating. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 8/20/2012

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Turning women into Wooderson

Hi everybody, it’s Monday. What did you all do over the weekend? Me? I practiced my sultry writing skills a la Fifty Shades style, here’s a sample: After having my gaping clam cavern fucked, he then proceeded to fuck my soft & tight turd-herder. The unrelenting orgasms from him slamming my smush mitten made me come so hard, I began sweating like a whore in church. The thrusting makes me spray my clunge gunge all over his piss pipe. By now, my cod cave was trembling like a tasered slab of chopped liver. So what do you think? Pretty hot, right? That’s the type of shit that will leave a girls axe gash oozing like a broken freezer. Anyway, on with the show… Ellis needs an backiotomy from his achy breaky back, and if you’re familiar with back pain, it sucks the balls of serial rapist baby killers. Also, he and Rawdog did some “work” this weekend, meaning they got to film naked chicks with a high speed camera.

The reverse Gobstopper effect causes kidney stones

Hey guess what? You know that “Goth Club” that Rawdog’s girlfriend wanted him to go to? Yea, it was a gay club. Whoops. Honest mistake on her part I’m sure, I mean especially considering that she also snowballed him and wanted him to wear assless chaps to this “Goth Club”. Super health nut, Rawdog, got some more kidney stones over the weekend – because he’s so healthy and shit. He drove himself to the hospital, had enough pain that he started puking, so they gave him some morphine and some percocets so he could manage and wizz those stones out. Of course, Rawdog believes this all came about again because it’s been a little hot out and he’s been slacking on drinking lemonade, not because of his diet. He’ll fight for McNuggets and against a fucking bite of fruit until his death.

Oh sa-nap

Security guards and women, am I right? Of course I am! Insert all your own stories about either of those groups, there are plenty to go around. Some security guard had to call the real cops for some reason or another and more teachers are banging more students – now in groups! That’s hot. There was only one single story I can remember going around during my time in school, which is not hot. Speaking of which, a roofie story from back in the day, Ellis went to this house where he used to get weed. He was drinking, these young girls wanted to do things with him, he said no – thinks he got roofied and passed out only to wake up in a bedroom with both of them on him. Yay for rape! Would you rather be 10 feet tall or 1 foot tall for the rest of your life? This is just one example of the problems facing our nation today – nobody has a really good answer for that one. There is an answer however as to how your mother can tell all her children apart even though you all have the same first name. You all have different last names. OH!

No better feeling

Show Re-cap For Friday 8/17/2012

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Remember this guy?

Welcome to Friday’s show re-cap! Yo Ease let’s do this… I am a nightmare walking, psychopath talking, king of my jungle just a gangsta’ stalkin’… Wait. Sorry, this isn’t A Tribute To Ice-T’s Colors is it? NO! It’s not! We’re all getting older, time is flying, and some people fuck holes in the ground. Jizzy, jizzy on the wall, which Disney Princess has the biggest tits of them all? An overwhelming majority say Pocahontas. TMZ caught THC, Ellis, and Pendarvis leaving the studio. TMZ wanted to ask THC about his life saving heroism that he mentioned on TJES, but he didn’t want to talk to them about it – which means that you, the listener, got to hear that story exclusively on TJES! We all good on the acronyms?

Oh the things Gabby could show you!

Rawdog’s super hot, sexy as hell, totally fingerable, absolutely fuckable, sister Gabby was on the show today – and so was @OGEverlast, who’s turning 43 tomorrow and just found out he’s having another baby. Get this shit, there’s a real possibility that the Richmond siblings might all be snowballers! Gabby, along with Everlast (and the rest of the world) were floored to hear Rawdog got snowballed, when asked if she did that to her boyfriend, Gabby kind of clammed up and was clearly uncomfortable. I assume probably more because she’s hearing talk about her brother, his load, and him eating his load. That has to be one of the most awkward conversations to have with your brother and/or sister in the room.

Sup bitches!

Donald Schultz had super massive news today, he called in from Switzerland, piss drunk and slurring his words like a motherfucker – to tell us that the huge news is that he’s jumping off some big ass cliff that nobody else has ever jumped off of. Also, having two friends die is better than having three friends die. Next up, listeners got to call in with their favorite Rawdog stories, you know, so Gabby knows just a little bit more about her big brother. If you have been keeping score, she’s learned her brother: Got snowballed, got jacked off by 3 porn stars and ended up finishing by himself in a Popeye’s bathroom, he boned Sparky 2 times with the same rubber, his lost car at Coachella story, and how he washes his ass in the shower.

It’s true.

Listeners also go a treat as we got to hear “Doing Stuff with Gabby”, where she tried to explain how to tap a keg, change a flat bike tire, unload a boat off a trailer into a lake, how to start a gas grill, and how to get rid of a raccoon in your home. There were a couple more, but fuck it – it’s Friday and I don’t give a shit. Ellis will be working hard tonight and tomorrow, slapping porn stars, amongst other things, and recording it with a high speed camera. I don’t care if you film it in HD, high speed, a shaky camcorder, a phone, or a goddamned 8mm projector – hot naked bitches are awesome no matter what. Your mom was filmed in HD once, it was when NASA accidentally landed the Curiosity rover on her fat ass instead of Mars. OH!