Bert drops by and hears his intro to the show. He reveals that he & his wife’s “couple song” is Kung-Fu Fighting, to which Ellis shares his & Katie’s “couple song.” Bert then promptly sings a little “couples song” ditty more in Ellis’ & Katie’s liking.
Download (link to MP3)
Frank Drebin thinks Will is a creep.
We all know Will is the infamous LA Fire Starter, we all know his affinity for flashing his headlights at innocent young women, but now we’re going deeper down the rabbit hole of Wilson. He listens to police scanners (plural, he has more than one.) He watches COPS. He reads case files, I mean non-fiction books about homicide investigation. Is he just a bored, old lady sticking his nose in everyone else’s business? Is he doing this to make sure he doesn’t get caught while on one of his various crime sprees? There are numerous hours throughout the day that nobody can account Will’s whereabouts. Who knows, nobody knows the real Freddie Wilson Pendarvis Jr. III. He feels his calling in life is to be a homicide investigator. Or maybe, just maybe, we’re dealing with next notorious serial arsonist / rapist / killer in the history of the WORLD! “Frank” (Drebin?) the detective calls to weigh in on the discussion and says Will is a creep. Also, Tully carries a rape whistle? A lot is revealed during the 14 minutes you’re about to listen to below. Who knows, one day it might just be used in a court of law – or maybe this whole thing will be an episode of Law & Order that Ellis gets to watch.
Audio Evidence File
Download (link to MP3)
Good evening and welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of The Jason Ellis Show, I will be your pilot on this text driven journey. Side note, the pilot has to poop, so if at some point I just throw out bullet points really fast and end the recap, it means I’m prairie dogging. And just to clarify, that is 2 days in a row where a NYA recap starts off with us telling you about our bowel movements. So Ellis starts the show remarking on how amazing it is that the geniuses in the green room still haven’t updated the show intro in the system. In fact, they went back to the original one with Gunnz doing pushups, which is a giant step back, and yes this is the third week in the show I’ve bitched about the intro and the thing still isn’t right.
On to the real shit, Tully came up with a theory while he was soaping off his luscious body and presumably fingering deep into his hole in the shower this morning. Men hugging, more to the point, the handshake into a pat on the back hug that dudes do: Where did that shit start? Man hugs in general are an odd concept. Naturally, Tully and Ellis deduced that white people stole it from black people. But now why did black people start doing it? Tully believes they stole it from Italian mob movies, because those dudes hug it out all the time. The conversation progressed into affection in general, specifically with your kids. Tully is a little weirded out by kissing his kid on the lips, but Ellis isn’t. Bottom line is you have to do what you are comfortable doing, and it’s only weird if you make it weird. It would however be incredibly bad ass if you kissed your daughter on the lips in front of her boyfriend and made eye contact with him just to fuck with him. one guy called in to say his 90 year old dad who is on at home dialysis keeps grabbing his wife’s ass all the time. Red Dragons to that old bastard.
The guys are accepting props, any kind of funny thing you may have. Ellis is taking instagram pictures with the guests and they are setting up with props to make them a little more interesting. Maybe you’ve got a My Little Pony strap on, or a Care Bear themed gimp mask you need to get rid of, wipe the finger prints off of it and email SubmitToEllis@gmail.com and if they want your dirty evidence, they will tell you how to send it.
Gina Carano might be fighting Ronda Rousey, but probably not because she hasn’t been working out. Fred Phelps is on his death bed and the world is collectively pondering if it’s better to picket his funeral or take the high road and ignore them. There was a guy who got the cops called on him because he had a tattoo of a gun on his hip, and Tully thinks he should get arrested all the time for being so dumb. It must be a big city thing, the fear of guns. I’ve never understood it because I’ve been around guns my whole life and every single person was responsible with their firearms, and seeing one on a dude’s hip holster in line at the bank isn’t crazy. I see a lot of people getting pissed on Twitter whenever Tully brings guns up, but you gotta look at it from the point of view of someone who isn’t used to it: Guns are illegal to carry in most large cities, therefore the only time people in the cities are exposed to the existence of guns, it is when someone is being shot or there are generally shady things happening. There is a lot of variance in the way people from different areas and walks of life will see the issue and the basis all comes from your personal reality. So maybe give the dude a break sometimes?
They did WK names, so if one of the twelve of you reading this signed up recently, you will get your name shortly.
Will is one of those creepy dudes who listen to police scanners and thinks it would be cool to have a panic room. He even keeps one in his back pack so he can listen on the go. This means one of two things: Either Will is secretly a super hero and responds to crime faster than the cops, or he listens to it to make sure the cops aren’t headed towards him and his freshest kill/capture.
Bert from the Used came on today. He recently came back from 3 months in Australia to jump on his soap box on TJES. As usual, Bert still hates the corporate fat cats maaaaannn because they lie and steal and don’t appreciate art maaaaannn. I like Bert and all, I think he is a funny guest, but he is so far up his own ass about politics and philosophy and art. And he throws the term artist around like crazy for someone who makes bubble gum punk music. He did however mention a new project he and presumably other artists are working on called GAS Union. It’s a concept for an organization based on a kickstarter or gofundme model where people can donate money directly to the artist and get kick backs on concert tickets, shirts and stream the albums for free if they want. It sounded like a pretty forward thinking concept, so maybe next time he is on we will hear more. Once again, I should mention I really like it when Bert is on, I think he, Ellis and Tully all feed off of each other really well, but he was just really on his political kick today and it was kind of annoying.
Heard some new Metallica from a demo they released. It was some good ol’ metallica. Finally, the guys tried the Skype thing and actually got two genuinely good calls out of it. One dude named Wally had a sweet Hank Hill and some character from Princess Bride impression and an even sweeter mustache. Also, Paige Bourne is probably going to be a legendary fan/guest on the show in the future. This is the girl who can dislocate multiple joints on her body, and folded herself in half the last time she was on. Today, she upped the ante by kicking and kneeing herself in the face and became an instant star. Thanks Paige.
Wish I had funnier things to say at the end of these, but I don’t and I have to poop. Good night.
I’m just gonna go ahead and warn you guys…I’ve got a bubbling in my guts that usually foreshadows some bloody diarrhea. It’s probably the stuffed peppers I had for dinner on Sunday night. I regret nothing though, they were absolutely delicious, so keep your eyes on my twitter for the most disturbing live tweet rectal implosion session you’ll probably ever bear witness to. But while we’re waiting for my colon to go supernova, how about some wonderful background noise from the Jason Ellis Show? Today started off like many other with a lot of talk about how not knowing what the hell is going on can be a really good thing sometimes. It’s great when you can just absolve yourself of being a reliable, trustworthy person and throw all your responsibilities to the wind every once in a while. It’s good for the soul. Helps you get your head past some rough shit that might have happened when you were younger. Good times, folks, good times. Tully vouches for this in the way that the internet has let all your average Joe’s lash the fuck out at anybody they want for being a shitty person, regardless of their general status in society. It made enough since at the time, I’m just malnourished at the moment, it’s kind of a busy one today. I haven’t strung a sentence together properly all day. But anyway, it was a lot of conversation about how sometimes when people keep getting kicked around, they just believe it’s their fault, but sometimes you can Rage Against The Machine and they take the power back and Testify about The Ghost Of Tom Joad and the Renegades of Funk (Perfect placement for some musical puns, eh?). Jason feels very lucky to have a Tully, and the sentiment was reciprocated. He tried being modest about it, but he does know how to take a compliment (unlike most of the ladies I’ve ever met. I’m just saying ladies, it ain’t always cause I want a blowjob, sometimes I just think your hair looks nice, OK MOM?!?!?) Tully talked for a while about how he was getting kinda depressed during that period when he had been let go from the show for a year or so and it really did make him realize that it’s good to pay attention to what your mind is doing so you don’t make any bad decisions based on some temporary feelings. Jason chimed in with his experience on the psychological system and it all seemed like a lot of good info for folks who might be thinking about it. Jude stopped by, and he’s a fucking psychopath, so he had plenty of input on this topic. Jude usually doesn’t feel too crazy unless he gets some THC in his system. One time he was trying to get to sleep after a bunch of ketamine and decided to mellow out with some cannabis throat spray, but he took way too much of it and shit went real dark for the rest of the night. The guys talked for a while about parenting and most of Jude’s issues seem to be rooted in his particular level of involvement with his daughter. In his words, more than a sperm donor, not a deadbeat, but not like Jason or Michael. Jason explained to Jude the long ins and outs of how he came about to be a parent and a husband and how he really didn’t make the best set of plays in that situation, looking back on it all. The guys took some phone calls on how people should go about getting psychiatric care and some of the success stories of people who have done it. On a personal, I’ve had lots of years of therapy, and it’s probably the only reason I survived till 21 years old, so that I could get old enough to get my shit together. I’m not gonna write an Awesome Guide to Life on it or anything, just sayin. Jude talked for a while about how he feels about dying and basically he’s fine with it, he just doesn’t want to be a vegetable first, which prompted Tully to ask why he spends so much time trying to turn himself into a vegetable, to which he responded that there’s a part of him that wants a slow painless suicide. He gave us a little more insight to his personal thought processes, and I won’t go into detail, but if you happen to run into Jude, give him a big fat bro-hug and let him know how much you like him as a person. Call him Jude out on the street too, not Rude Jude. That’s how he can tell if you’re a friend or just another fan. So, lots of talks about feelings and stuffs was the main focus of the first hour. It’s good to let it out sometimes. Occasionally, it could even get you laid if you time it just right. Maybe it’ll be a sympathy jam, but you;’ll get a nut off all the same. Jude and Ellis started arguing for a bit about whether or not psychiatric medication is a scam, and that’s kind of up for debate, although I could win it with this one statement: The two separate figures for the number of people who take psychiatric meds and the number of people who need them are probably pretty close, if not dead even, however, the single figure for the number of people who need them and take them is probably much lower. Make of that what you will folks, big pharma would like to inspect your colon for something else they can sell you, and that’s all I have to say about it. Talk it over with your spouse for a bit while your pediatrician asks if he can put your kid on Ritalin. I’m gonna jam out to a Taintstick cover of a J-Lo song.
So, for a change of pace and a spot of good news, The Awesome Guide to Life is a best seller in Canada! Just proving that no ornery uptight Texan bitch who can’t take a joke or take in all the information contained in a complete sentence is gonna stop that book from being a success. Tully found a news story but Jason has more important news, namely that there’s drug dealers camping out in front of his house on the regular. Apparently, these assholes have been parking right at the front of his house leaving cigarette butts and dead hookers all over the front porch when there’s a perfectly good public trash can not more than 30 feet away. Luckily though, Jason called the cops and they didn’t give the slightest fraction of a fuck because nobody was getting shot in the face and there was no money for the city to make off it. Jason did a guest spot on Adam Carolla’s podcast last night, and although it was probably great for most of us to listen to, he didn’t feel like it was his best work, cause he was tired and hungry and jacked up on coffee way later at night than he’s used to. The guys talked for a while about all the dynamics of radio hosts doing appearances on each other’s shows and how some of them have chemistry and some of them don’t, no matter how much they may like each other’s work, sometimes the two of them just don’t make all that interesting of a pair. It’s like mixing sushi and spaghetti, you might like each on their own, but they aren’t the bet pair, no matter how much of a failing wasted college student you might be. The guys took some calls on it and the general consensus is that Jason did a better job than he thinks, but the producer guy talking about his friend who got burned alive really fucked up the whole ambiance of the show. Speaking of people and bad radio, a Playboy model is suing a radio show for a mishap that happened during an appearance where she let the host tee a golf ball off her ass and the fucking moron swinging the club smacked her across the ass with a 3 wood cause morning terrestrial radio sucks and can’t think of anything good to do, so they have shitty hosts think of what might be funny to the lowest common denominator of their listening audience and hope for the best between playing 40 minute commercial free sets of the same three songs you were already sick of hearing within seconds when they first came out three months ago. Tully occasionally drives past the studio on weekends and sometimes when his belly is still warm from that latte he just drank, he gets a hankering to get on the air and ramble for an hour and a half, and if you call then great, and if not, you can listen to him talk hair metal and recap an NBA game. The guys took some calls and did some talking about Cumtard’s performance for his new lady friend yesterday when he had a belly full of scotch and green eggs and onions and I missed the part where he might have vomited on somebody, but it sounds like it was funny to listen to and depressing to watch and painful to live through if your name is Cumtard, and maybe Pendarvis tried to derail the whole thing, but it still happened so there you go. Everybody hashed it all out and Kevin is thinking that Hardcore the intern may be on to something with the whole not drinking thing that he does, and WILSON came in to let the guys know that he would never pull the show off the air, unless someone’s safety was at risk or New York squeezed his nuts especially hard without giving him a good sweet kiss first. Pendarvis has apparently been given trophies for how good of a job he does managing his radio stations, and the guys had to bust his ass for a really long time about this cause, I mean, come on, butt judge extraordinaire, imperial death march, Hate Bean, those shins (my god, those shins SWOON!). Pretty much the only award WILSON couldn’t win was a cookie eating contest when he was a kid, which pretty much set him up to become the man he is today, not quite fat but not really in shape, a little strange but generally a nice guy, can string together a sentence but avoids answering questions, ladies and gentlemen, Wilson Pendarvis the Third. Let’s all take a minute to revel in his glory and regroup.
AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! There’s a video floating around from some drunk wanker who wants you to know exactly how you can go about catching a kangaroo wearing nothing but an emu costume. And speaking of hunting animals, DONALD SCHULTZ IS BACK!!! Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hunt in the traditional sense of the word, but you feel my inflection, mother fuckers. So, the guys watched this video of this Australian fucker, and he’s pretty much THE negative stereotype of Australians. He sounds like a complete hick and he basically spends his days sexually harassing roadkill and making puppets out of the carcasses for internet video fame. Jason and the crew took a good few minutes to ridicule the shit out of this guy cause anybody who would wear a dead emu to try and catch a kangaroo, then lets himself get kicked in the face by aforementioned kangaroo, really doesn’t deserve to reproduce and should be endlessly mocked for his hillbilliness. The guys talked for a while about how there’s more women in Australia than men, and how people in Japan have simply stopped having sex or even genuine human interaction, which gave Tully the great idea that there needs to be a video game where you wake up in a dark room, silently pondering your erection and must find something to do with it or else humanity will end as we know it. The guys kicked around ideas for new ways that Schultz could spice up his sex life with his fiance and basically the only logical move is fucking on the serengeti with a backdrop of lions and other wild predators. Donald has been keeping himself busy as of late, he’s not base jumping anymore, but still goes wing suiting, just not off of mountainsides or anything like that. He’s also been working with Nitro Circus and that hobbit that got his own BBC nature show. The guys did a bit of logistical work on the biggest loser fight that’s gonna be happening at the next EllisMania. This was quickly sidetracked however, and it just went back to a bunch of general random bullshit that was certainly funny but not cohesive enough to make a series of full sentences about. Donald Schultz relayed the story that Chelsea Handler is an absolute cockoholic and without a doubt she fucks all of her animal handler guests, and since I can’t help but believe this, I won’t say “allegedly.” She seems like the type of lady that would totally pull some indecent proposal shit on a sweet, naive, innocent, south African animal wrangler. Donald talked a while about the illegal tiger trade and how Texans are really fucking up the curve for the rest of us and then selling the tigers back to China to make aphrodesiacs with, which is stupid because eating an animal’s penis does not give you their power, a la Highlander Quickening style. This brought the guys back to the topic of Chelsea Handler’s big money vagina and how she would probably light cigars with hundred dollar bills while parading you around the house with a leash and making you eat the pussy at her beck and call. Donald was hobnobbing with Charlize Theron and she tried to get some of her South African roots back up in her, but Donald is a stand up guy and made it very clear that his girlfriend was right there in the room and he’s not fuckin’ around cause she’s South African too and she would cut a bitch and set her on fire. Jane Goodall is in the news because she alleges that Michael Jackson’s former pet monkey Bubbles was an abused animal and MJ was just as disconnected from reality as we all know he was. Jane Goodall also fully believes in Bigfoot, just proving that the internet and celebrity media system has pretty much driven all of them completely insane. But hey, at least there’s totally fictional ghost hunter shows on a network that claims to produce nothing but historically factual TV shows. There was some more ‘Squatch talk, cause the president of Canada needs all the air time he can get, what with the election cycle coming around again soon and all. The guys took a break but when they come back, they’ve got a hell of a crowd participation game for all of us.
So, alcoholic monkeys. It’s totally a real thing. I’ve also heard of junkie monkeys from a friend of mine who grew up in India. They would gather at the river next to a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant and get lit the fuck up off the opium polluted water. True story, Google it. So, a lady named Jayme Foxx (no relation to the comedian) stopped by to hang out and talk with the guys a bit. She’s got a TV show on CMT called Tattoo Titans where tattoo artists compete for cash and prizes or some such shit. And luckily, it’s not another reality show, just a regular game show, so nobody’s hovering over everyone’s shoulder to see if they fuck or fight or fight two people fucking or fuck two people fighting. Jayme talked for a while about how she doesn’t hate country music, but if the corporation tells her to listen to it, you’ll never see a bigger smile on a person’s face while they’re hearing the shite that country music has become. The guys got started on this crowd sourcing game they had where they wanted the listeners to get in contact with the show and let them know what their signature move is in bed. Jayme was doing her best to help weed out the good ones and the snake oil, but I just gotta tell you, some of you guys are way too old to still be acting like you’re in middle school with some of these tricks, and some of you are just as fucked up and twisted as I strive to be, and that none of us should reproduce, so whatever your move is, wrap it up or learn how to pull out properly. That goes double for the guy who called in to tell us that you need to fish hook your lady’s vag with your tongue sticking in her asshole. We also heard from a lady who said that alka-seltzer on the clit is a champion move, just make sure you don’t use too much right off the bat or you can make your lady’s box catch on fire. There were more calls on fun tricks for eating pussy that almost sound like your cannibalizing someone from the uterus out, but some ladies called in to give their two cents on how to properly gorge on that pole. And really, aside from all the special techniques you might use, just don’t dodge the load, ladies. It’s offensive. It makes us feel like you don’t respect the dick. And we thrive on people respecting our dick. And since so many of us are the MacGuyver of eating poontang, it’s only fair you could return the favor at least a little bit. This whole thing went on for a good 45 minutes and you can probably find all of it in Cosmo or Playboy, so I doubt we learned anything that isn’t available in a million other places, but if you’re like me and enjoy surprising the vagina, it would be worth hitting up the on-demand and taking some notes. Just don’t put the Stone-Cold-Stunner on your lady after cumming in her ass and then draw pictures of stuff on her unconscious face. A suplex or a rear naked choke will do the job a whole lot better.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,
Oh you! Thanks for reading!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I don’t get it, but whatever, it gives people an excuse to get shitfaced and eat corned beef & cabbage. Also, happy earthquake day! There was a 4.4 magnitude quake in the greater Los Angeles area today. I don’t get it, but whatever, how exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does. Ellis still does not have aids, Dingo acts like he doesn’t, but he sounds pretty raspy today so it might not be a bad idea for him to get his levels checked. The show intro still needs work, specifically the beginning lines. So if you think you’ve got what it takes, then good for you. I don’t know what I meant by that, but whatever, how do magnets work? Disney World makes approximately bookoo monies per day, which is more than Disneyland. The Ellis children’s went to Disneyland this past weekend, there was a lot of fat people there. Wahlburgers. You seen it? Me neither. You plan to see it? Me neither. Let’s move on. Some Jessica girl called into the show to say Ellis got her out of a ticket because she had an EllisMate or Red Dragons sticker on her car. I’m calling bullshit on that, sorry Jessica. Charles Manson and fam lived with one of the Beach Boys & stabbed a Tater-tot. Dingo’s girlfriend is named Stephanie, and as far as we know, she has not claimed to have gotten out of a speeding ticket because she had a Dingo sticker on her car. Cumtard’s ready to party, he’s going to have some whiskey, some beer, and some green eggs – thanks to Tully. We learned that Cumtard thinks he can see orgasms. And he’s not even drunk yet. But whatever, it’s break time.
Drum roll please.
Kenda called in to discuss MMA News, UFC 171, and drunk chicks on St. Patty’s Day that have to do the walk of shame tomorrow. Ellis thought the undercard was better than the main events, both he and Kenda felt bad for Carlos Condit – so they have that in common. People want to see Nick Diaz fight Johny Hendricks and Kenda says Nick was there at the weigh-ins taunting Hendricks for not making weight and to pitch himself as Hendricks’ next opponent. Anyway, you can check out all that shit online. Sounds like Ellis might be able to race some cars, thanks to TJ Lavin. No details were given because talk instantly went into Ellis & Dingo having a vegemite vehicle, one of them being the passenger and bringing a mad mix tape, and a potential sticker for the truck of Tully bending over backwards and sticking his head between his legs. A guy called in to discuss a dude punching a shark, tully had some video and was trying to set it up while Dingo kept talking, which earned him quick “shut up” from Tully. Cumtard is doing more shots and making gross noises as he does so. His fuck partner, Alexa, is supposed to be coming by the studio so Cumtard can puke on her, but Wilson say’s that’s not allowed. Of course he says that, but let’s just see if anyone listens to him. So Guinness, along with other beer brands, mayors, etc. are pulling out of St. Patrick’s Day parade because lesbian and gay groups aren’t allowed to march openly. And with, it’s break time.
Heidi and Frank Show? No thanks.
That guy with a 132-pound scrote? He’s dead. From unrelated ball poundage, it was diabeetus! Speaking of death, Frank Kramer is in studio. He’s the co-host of the Heidi and Frank show. You heard it? Me neither. You plan to ever listen? Me neither. His illustrious career includes a stint on AM radio. You know you’re big time when you’re delivering the corn report on an AM station. Since he’s a whackety whacko radio guy, he was going to bring in some whiskey. But he didn’t. Not so whacky now, are ya Frank? Then he did a whacky shot with Cumtard. WHACKTASTIC! This is where Wilson found a reason to come in to bond with his terrestrial radio brethren. Anyway, let’s move on. Cumtard isn’t feeling any pain right now and he swears that Mike Catherwood has said the word’s “eating pussy” on Loveline before. Turns out, he did actually say that, which is absolutely WHACK-A-DOODY! I don’t know what else to say here. I don’t know Frank, I don’t know his show. So there ya go. Break time yet? Close enough.
Pull the show off the air?
Moto News time. Except there’s not shit to say about it. People rode their bikes, someone went faster than the others, and we’re all pretty sure Alessi is still a bitch-made ass target ass. Fuckin’ Frank is still here. But Alexa is in studio and instantly goes into how her energy drink isn’t doing nearly as much as her cocaine. Her cocaine isn’t doing a whole lot either so she’s thinking about getting into meth. She calls her relationship with Cumtard a win / lose situation because she’s fucking Cumtard, which raises his street cred while her’s go downhill. So the big question is, even though she has low standards, has Cumtard been getting her off? She says yes, but lets face it, she has no idea. Apparently they had their first little argument the other day because she ate someone elses’ puke and didn’t feel too good and didn’t want to go out. So cute. Their argument, not the vomit eating. Starting to get an idea of the caliber of girl that bangs Cumtard? Frank has a wad of money to pitch in if Cumtard pukes directly into Alexa’s mouth (aka baby bird). Pendarvalis (as drunken Cumtard pronounces it) comes in to say he has to take the show off the air if they go through with it. So what’s next? Alexa spit into Cumtard’s mouth. Not in that gross way, but in the classy way. Just kidding. They tried to get Cumtard to eat more eggs & onions so he would barf, he doesn’t want to eat onions. He continues to keep telling everyone how fun, funny, fun to be around, funner, funny, fun, and fun-fun she is. He finally eats some onion eggs from her asshole but doesn’t vomit. Alexa continues to abuse and emasculate him until the show to ended. And there ya go. Recap over.
