How sweet it is to be back Ellisfam! It’s been a whole God damned month since I’ve written one of these because I’ve been so busy re-decorating your old room at your mom’s house into an S&M playhouse. It’s great, I’m using all your old posters as jizz mats and your pillowcases are now masks for that beast you called mommy. Today’s show started off with a little chat about dinosaurs, God and body hair. Ellis was talking about how people shaving their body hair to look sexy is a sign of superior evolution, and upon researching the topic, Tully found that ancient Greeks way before Jesus were into shaving their pubes. Except in those days, they had to use arsenic and lye to burn it all off to get that baby smooth texture Jon Stamos is accustomed too. This spurned off into a little (Read:massive) discussion about the application of religion in society. More concisely, it was centered around how 60% of Americans believe everything in the bible to be 100% true in a literal sense.

As is usual with these conversations, Tully spoke up and verbally pimpslapped all comers with his own personal brand of intellect and logic. That guy could probably convince me that drinking water is a bad idea. Basically, science has a few centuries of actual, solid physical evidence on the origins of the universe, and that’s pretty hard to argue with. The fun part in this conversation was hearing Ellis get a little education on just how long the earth has been in existence. Tully asked him how long ago he thought dinosaurs were on the earth. Ellis answered about 5,000 years ago, to which Tully eventually revealed that no, in fact dinosaurs were around 65,000,000-230,000,000 years ago. WILD. The main point of argument that came up again and again was Noah’s ark and how it’s an impossible scenario that could never have happened. A guy named Noah even called in to say he never built an ark and that the story is full of shit, so there you go Christians, I believe you have some editing to get to, good day!

Some Hollywood news happened and a bunch of it was about famous people’s kids being all fucked up. I’m not getting into it here because I don’t care. Go check TMZ if you’re looking for the latest Bieber hat choice.

Nick Swardson was on the show today, and he burst in during a news story about a lawyer who went to a hotel in Vegas, got wasted and proclaimed he was going to “Napalm this hotel” and proceeded to do $100K worth of damage to the establishment. Including destruction of a book of Michelangelo’s(The famous artist, not the Turtle, you mongrel) that was being displayed in the lobby. Funny that a guy like Nick Swardson would show up during a story like this because he is no stranger to getting black out drunk and destroying hotel rooms. Ellis had to run off and get some steroids before he shriveled up, so Nick got a chance to plug his new show coming to FX that I can’t remember the name of because I am not professional at all. Nick said it’s about a bunch of guys who work for a video game company and he developed it with the producers of Grandma’s Boy but it is definitely not Grandma’s Boy but who knows. Ellis came back in and face pumped Nick before they sat down and got into probably the most racist thing against Asians done on radio in a long time. It was a game where everyone had to draw an Asian country out of a hat and do their best impersonation of what the di of alect would sound like. I won’t be able to do any of the impressions justice on here, so I suggest you go back and listen to it on demand because it was pretty great. At least it was pretty great until all the clips that they were using for the reveal of the dialect were women. And since none of the contestants in this game were women, of course no one was going to be able to get it right. So, in came Dom to spin the wheel for fucking up yet again. The wheel span, we all waited patiently on the edge of our seat and landed on ‘The Wet Will’, which is of course a wet willy from Will Pendarvis III. 45 years of cigarette smoke and strange women culminating onto a finger that hasn’t been washed in months stuck right into your ear. Well, as we know, Dom is a giant vagina and started dry heaving before Will ever even fingered him. Once the deed was done, the great Nick Swardson suggested that an addition should be made to the torture in that after the wet willy, the victim should be subjected to a fish hook. So back into the studio Dom came, about ready to vomit on everything. 45 years, ladies and gentleman, of cigarettes, butt wipings, nut scratchings, hair gellings and probably a few DNA samples of missing women directly into your mouth. Dom puked shortly after that as suspected and I imagine he tried to pray the bacteria out of his mouth, but that is a smear of fluid you will never be able to wash out.

The Dolphin(Will) came in today to defend Dolphin Rape. You see, Dolphins are abhorrent creatures that bully, beat and rape their Dolphin women. But the Dolphin says it is all consensual and the women wanted it. Some photographers came into the studio to take some pictures for Swinghouse with the owner of Swinghouse, Paul,  in tow. The guys started jumping on them for interrupting the show and not coming in when they had people puking, or when Nick Swardson were there. Paul jumped in and started asking about those burnout marks inside the studio(That Ellis was responsible) and the blowjobs that have been had in the bathroom(Rawdog is responsible) and it turned out to be pretty funny. I think it would be kind of cool to hear from Paul a little more and get more of a history of the building that our favorite radio show goes down in every day.

Oh, God Damnit! I almost forgot about Ellis’ new chick. As you probably heard earlier in the week, Ellis has a new chick who is a super hot black chick and throughout the show today Ellis spoke on how he had to check her for wearing True Religion jeans. I don’t know what those are, but I’m positive they are a thing I have heard of before. I guess they are just jeans with extra flair on the ass or something. Also, he found out she is a smoker! Like Will!. Well, not exactly like Will, in the sense that his smokes his in front of frightened women bound to chairs in a moldy basement, and she only smokes a couple a day. But Ellis checked her on that too, and the guys found some studies that linked breast cancer to women who smoke and take birth control at the same time, so Ellis is going to scare her into quitting. A lot of people have been taking to IG and Twitter to tell Ellis what a mistake he made dumping Katie and getting with this new chick, but he could care less. In the end, what he reveals on the radio is never even 2/3 of what is actually going on just for privacy sake, so I’m sure he had plenty of good reasons for whatever decision he makes. And ultimately, it’s none of our business. Katie is a super cool chick though, and I hope this new one gets on air soon so we can get a feel for her.

So that’s about it really. Like I said, it’s been about a month since I’ve done one of these and I suppose I’m a bit rusty, so I’m sorry if what you just read was utter shit. Too long of days at work, not long enough days home with the fam. Shit’s a little tough, but babbling on about this radio show really helps sometimes. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, when me and your mom were turning your childhood bedroom into a sex dungeon, I was dry humping your old stuffed animals into her box and she squirted onto a an old photo of you and her, I hope you didn’t want to keep it.

G’day ya fuckin’ wankers, and welcome back from the collective Jason Ellis show Stay-cation! After hearing from Jason yesterday, it sounded like the guys made the best of their time off, and so did we over here at NoYouAre! I don’t know what the rest of the guys did, but I made cookies on Saturday night and played a lot of video games, so I’ll call it a win. Anyways, the guys are back today and it’s gonna be a fucking rip-snorter. Jason started the show talking about what a great day it is until you let the man start getting in to your head and fucking up how awesome everything can be. Basically, you should go out and be a sick cunt. Then Rawdog said something I couldn’t hear cause my boss started talking right next to me. But anyways, go be a sick cunt. Pendarvis was called in to see if he heard what Rawdog said, but he didn’t either, so fuck it. But it must have been good, cause the issue didn’t die for a few minutes. Ellis got some more of his head tattoo done last night and like most tattoo artists/client relations, there was a very esoteric angry masochist session going on until 5 in the morning. Ellis is getting more in to flowers lately, but his inner skeptic thinks that most flowers are probably lying to us about how they really smell, and what we pick up is really just some elaborate scheme to fool humanity. Tully was struck with the horrors of adulthood today when he had to pack a lunch and found that all he had was peanut butter and jelly, and when he got done with the peanut butter half of making his sandwich, he opened his jelly and found it was beyond old and completely unusable. Thus, the circle of suffering is complete. Josh went to Grill ’em All over the weekend and had one of those burgers that has two grilled cheese sandwiches instead of buns and it was epic. Apparently, if you get a Grill ’em All tattoo you’ll get half price food for life, and considering that it may be tasty but probably not that healthy, I doubt it’s hurting their profits too much. So if you like burgers guaranteed to increase your risk of the most metal case of diabeetus ever, go on down and get yourself some, cause Outback hasn’t done a god damn thing for Jason after he got his “shrimp on the barbie” tattoo. The guys got two new interns yesterday, and any day now it’s gonna turn in to a three way battle royale between Anal Gay Lewis and the other two shitheads. Jason is starting to figure out the wonders of Google by helping his kids do homework. It has some pretty awesome features, like “HEY CAPITOL ONE LADY GO FUCK YOURSELF, I’M AT WORK!” sorry, Jason was struck by a telemarketer much the same way that I am constantly every god damn day when I’m at my most enraged after some old lady bitches me out because we can’t fix a noise that only she can hear cause it’s the sound of her cataracts rattling around inside her head whenever she plays hackey sack with her uterus. Our old pal Rude Jude stopped by to welcome the guys back. Jason told him about his head tattoo for a bit. Then they started talking about ripping a man’s adams apple out with your bare hands like a kung fu movie and how difficult it would be just cause of the whole trachea and circulatory system all connected to it. Somehow this all turned to talk about gay sex and murder in prison on TV, which is pretty normal on this show. Then they all ripped into the interns for being complete fuck-ups (except the bridge part of the Eiffel tower, mister Anal Gay Lewis). Tiger Lee Ellis is a filthy mother fucker, true to his Australian heritage. If he wasn’t a 3 year old, I’d call him a sick cunt, like his daddy before him. The guys started pondering what would be the worst platinum album to be associated with. Most everyone agreed that Filter would be the winner, especially after Rawdog gave us a refresher on just why they sucked so bad (Except that one song from the “Spawn” movie soundtrack, that one was fucking classic, and yes I just dinged myself and punched myself in the dick, carry on). The guys talked more about music and all the bands from the past that made songs about experimenting with tranny hookers and Jude singing karaoke and narrowly avoiding being raped. All the guys could agree, if they’re not sure if the lady they’re talking to is a tranny, they gotta get that figured out for sure before anybody starts sucking anything. Ellis is slowly realizing that Burger is probably retarded and he’s becoming her state appointed friend. Thankfully, Tully is married to an Asian, so it’s cool for us all to joke about how many delicious ways you can cook Boston terrier. This got in to the topic of how smoking foods destroys the taste. Rawdog of course had to pipe in with his worldly knowledge of smoked cheeses and how wonderful they are, cause of course he’s a world traveler of the many cuisines that can be enjoyed on any given day. Of course, Rawdog was able to keep his name in the clear by letting Jude know about the two girls he’s smashing his penis into. He’s getting pretty comfortable with the one who actually lives here too, and they both know about each other, to the point they’ve made out on his couch and probably will again. And Ellis can drop all the N-bombs he wants seeing as his new chick is black and he’s already put a load on it, according to Jude. Ellis met her while he was waiting around for his pal Mike Jasper to get in the ring. You can check Ellis’ instagram to see a picture of her and look her up on the internet, I guess she’s a model and a dancer and all kinds of other stuff, plus she’s got tattoos all over and all the best honky features without diluting out the great stuff that comes with a permanent tan. The guys jaw-jacked some more and then Jude had to stroll the fuck out and do whatever the fuck he does between hallucinogenic experiments. Luckily, I promised Mike in Canada that there would be jokes about AIDS, butt fucking and squirrels, so here goes: Why did the AIDS infected squirrel give up sucking dick and start doing butt fucking only? He was sick of people telling him to “Get deez nuts” BOOM. Yeah, short notice, sorry about that.

So, after the most METAL FUCKING ACOUSTIC METAL SONG EVER, the boys came back to give us some HOLLYWOOD NEWS! First things first, Kim Kardashian is finally divorced from Kris “Big Gay Baby” Humphries, so as soon as Kanye’s adorable little antichrist massacres her uterus on the way out, maybe we can stop hearing about her. Kelly Osborne is calling bullshit on Lady GaGa’s support of the gay community, and I for one would love to see GaGa get the shit kicked out of her by fifty burly drag queens for all she’s done to ruin their reputation, so right on Kelly Osborne, the darkness is strong with you, like your father before you. Hollywood news kept getting sidetracked for other things, so I think whatever the guys had is gonna get tabled for a while so some new Wolfknives can get their names and some other shit. The guys talked basketball and gambling for a bit, then Tully had to let the guys know about some pretty fishy goings on in Russia, namely, STEVEN FUCKING SEAGAL was required to organize a meeting between Russian and American leaders, to help encourage communication between the two countries to prevent future threats of terrorism like that seen at the Boston Marathon. Russia is also making a cunt satchel of guns that are personally endorsed by STEVEN MOTHER FUCKING SEAGAL as Russia tries to become a bigger player in the worldwide arms market. The singer from As I Lay Dying is back in the spotlight after calling somebody to kill his wife because it may all be steroids’ fault! Roid rage will do some crazy shit to a man, this has been proven. Jesse James cut off his pinky, probably not intentionally, but if you care there you go. Adam Carolla is getting sued by one of his childhood friends for some things he said and childhood photos he put in a book he wrote, and we can all agree that the childhood friend can go fuck himself. World famous movie reviewer James LLLIIPPPPTTOOOONNN!!!! has just recently been outed for running a brothel in Paris in the 1950’s, so really I take back everything I ever said about him being a monstrous tool bag and having a fucking weird speech impediment that has no rival, that N-bomb is a fuckin’ pimp with a capitol P double I M P. Jesse Eisenberg was told that he’s a huge jerk by some blogger shithead, but the video reveals that the lady interviewing him was an idiot and doesn’t know who Morgan Freeman is. Amanda Bynes is telling people that the New York police slapped her vagina, and I really hope it’s true and that police corruption keeps it from being prosecuted. Beyonce is not pregnant again, she’s just built like a brick shithouse and doesn’t have the free time to work off the weight from the last baby (give her a fucking break, she just had a kid). A pop star named Miguel got caught Chuck Norris-ing a fan, probably by accident, but the victim is saying she got brain damage, and anyways he’s a pop star, so he can cover it. The guys somehow started talking about what celebrity you would let steal food off your plate without saying anything. Kevin Spacey is OK, but Tommy Lee would get put on queer street real quick. Matthew Perry, maybe, Luke Perry could grab the burger, take a bite and drop it back on the plate and keep walking, nobody would say shit. Lou Diamond Phillips would be let off. Shakira better swing them hips to someone else’ table. Lil Wayne would lose a hand if he wanted Tully’s burger that bad. Hologram Tupac could eat anything he wants off of anyone’s table. What are you gonna do, kill him again?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Chelsea Handler can suck this dick, but can’t eat my burger. Kareem Abdul Jabar could get away with it, but he would have to make a sweet ass street ball move out of it. Bill Clinton would be OK, so would Hillary, but not Chelsea. So could Obama. Harrison Ford would be fine. Benicio Del Toro is a split decision. Chuck Lidell gets a pass. Mickey Rourke could do it, but only cause it would look like you’d get a sharpened toothbrush in your neck if you tried to stop him. Robert DeNiro could do it, but not Al Pacino. And nobody would try to stop Morgan Freeman. And Samuel L. Jackson could go ahead and take the fucking thing. Then they started seeing who they would steal a burger from.  Wendy Williams better cover her burger, cause she sure as fuck ain’t getting mine. Amarosa would get hers stolen too. Avril Lavine would get punked out, so would everybody on the View. Kelly Ripa would be a two way street. Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson would both get their burgers jacked. Somehow this all devolved into talk of undead noses rising from the grave to attack us with super suction, of course this is all Rawdog’s brainchild and the logic is a little incomplete, but it’s not the worst movie premise I’ve ever heard. A guy called in to get a Wolfknife name and Anal Gay Lewis showed just how inflated his ego is now that he’s got these two new intern biotches working under him. A guy called in with the SWEETEST real name ever (Troy Champion) and asked for a Wolfknife name, but the only problem is he hadn’t actually signed up. Sorry you didn’t make the team Troy, would have been great to have a guy named Champion in the ranks. Tully thinks that the Dalai Lama ain’t shit and he would totally steal his veggie burger. But y’know, it’s break time and the guys just did pushups and I think we could all use a couple minutes to recharge.

The interns are still having teething problems, as it took all three of them an entire three song break to take a coffee order and not a single one of them actually left the studio to go get the coffee that was requested by the people who were remaining at the studio. Ellis And Tully had to spend a few minutes sorting out what the fuck is really going on and how inept three college students really could be, and this is America, so it’s just like an MTV spring break special, but with no titties and Wiz Khalifa ain’t hanging out anywhere that the rest of us are aware of. But there is a light in this tunnel, cause one of the new guys is still kind of on point and Ellis appointed him head of the interns. Some shithead in Florida (of course it’s in Florida) got arrested for homicide after the dumb mother fucker pocket dialed 911 while he was planning the murder and the operator heard everything, but not before the deed had been done. But that’s not nearly as important as NEW MUSIC FUCK ME IN THE ASS HOMIE TUESDAY!!! AND THERE’S A THREE WEEK BACKLOG OF SHIT YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR AND TUSSIN WOLF’S SPEECH IMPEDIMENT WAS WELL NOTED WHEN HE ANNOUNCED IT!!! Alice in Chains dropped a new single that was actually not bad, just on the riff, and even though the singer is dead, they sure as hell didn’t have to draft anybody from Linkin Park to fill anybody’s spot. After that was Five Finger Death Punch guest starring Rob Halford and it sounds just like that description, so there you go. We were treated to another of the new songs from Alice in Chains and if you’re a fan I do believe that you won’t be disappointed. Next up we got to hear The National which sounded a lot like if Coldplay was from the south instead of from England, with just as much suck and complain, but fewer high notes. Then, we heard the new 30 Seconds to Mars and it’s not the slightest bit obvious at all from hearing this that Jared Leto used to be a heroin addict. After that was Anvil, the most metal band that you’ve never heard of, and they melted our faces off against their balls pretty well with their new single. Next in line was The Dream, singing more of the kind of stuff that white people try to sell to black people for $13.99 on those late night love jam compilations you see advertised on TV late at night on the public access channel. Skinny Puppy dropped a new album that would fit really well if you based your entire fucking life on The Matrix trilogy and shoved 25 ecstasy pills up your ass. Next we heard the new track from Megadeth, and Dave Mustain certainly hasn’t lost his touch, but is still getting mixed reviews, I personally enjoyed it and might actually pay to have it on my computer. After that was Todd Terry and as a house DJ, it’s hard to get respect from people that don’t wear Abercrombie & Fitch, and the streak is still alive of me and my kind wishing he would fuck off and die. Next was Disclosure, who one-upped the fuck out of Todd Terry in the “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS, LARRY!” category of absolute shite techno music. Laura Marling is some lady who made an indie album that is a lot like Zooey Deschanel, acting all fucking better than everybody and shit, like she’s the only bitch that ever went to college and PBR and cocaine that daddy’s money paid for is the only thing that matters in life other than falling in love with some hipster boy who doesn’t mind that she hasn’t used a tampon in a decade because it’s her personal environmental crusade or some other fucking nonsense. Lemme just pause the show for a second and say fuck all these people, and their friends, and their dogs, and their parents, and Forever 21, and that first uppity cunt that told you ladies to burn your bras, and fuck the first beatnik in history, twice, right in his ass, with a rusty broken off shovel, covered in broken glass and hepatitis, while a honey badger systematically removes each and every one of his vital organs in alphabetical order, with THIS FUCKING SONG PLAYING IN THE GOD DAMN BACKGROUND. So yeah, next up we got to hear one of the tracks on the Fast and Furious 6 soundtrack by 2 Chainz and Wiz Khalifa, and it sure does fit the movie it was made for, so there you go. Dirty Beaches has a new album that is STILL ON THE SAME FUCKING HIPSTER VEIN THAT’S MAKING ME WANT TO PERFORM SOME VIGILANTE JUSTICE, RAWDOG YOU FUCK!!! KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE HIPSTER SHIT!!! THEY’LL STOP MAKING IT IF PEOPLE STOP SUPPORTING IT!!! After that was the breakthrough new release by Filter (remember those guys?) and you would never believe it was anybody else, cause most people have self respect and talent and would check their work before they sell it to the public. Finally, we got two picks of the week from Rawdog, first up was Queens of The Stone Age, and I’ve never really liked them but the track wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard, and the second one was a new track from Daft Punk, and while they’re one of the few techno bands I don’t hate, the song was a little too funk for their normal style and doesn’t really fit with two guys wearing robot helmets working a pair of turntables and a drum machine. After that some guy called in to get dating advice from Rawdog, and normally I’d say that’s a terrible idea, but considering recent developments I’m going to allow it. The guy was wondering why a lady would say she’s single but won’t go out with him, and the long and short of it is that bitches be lyin’, plain and simple. Some guy called in to talk about music and it seems like all the best of the old stars just can’t be expected to always play the songs we want to hear. And that’s fair, it’s their gig, and the venue only booked the guy, not the set list, but it’s sad that we don’t get to see all the shit that made us like them in the first place and we’re all running out of time to enjoy that shit the way we didn’t get a chance to when we were kids. Another guy called in to get a recommendation on fucking trannies in Brazil and a better idea would be to just hang out here in the US with some cross dressing junkies until Bob is your Uncle and you get the HIV from a nice afternoon of banging up gutter water with dirty rigs behind a 7-11. Got some more calls about music, and how most of the new stuff sucks, and how computers are making everybody think they’re the shit when they ain’t. Rawdog had to get knocked off his pedestal when Ellis told him what he really thinks of the music he makes. Rawdog gave us a taste of what he’s been cooking up in the lab and if the boys were in the process of making “Slingin’ Cream” this would have been the perfect track for someone sneaking in to Tony Hawk’s ice cream shop to steal some secret recipe. Until it really “kicked in” then it just sounded like an iPod commercial. Some guy called in cause he didn’t know what to do about his girlfriend wanting to bring a dead raccoon into the bedroom when they’re making youngins. Then some guy pulled down two phone numbers and long story short, once again bitches be lyin’. More final calls of exceptionally high quality came down the line, like some dude that really enjoys his girlfriend, she’s hot and totally DTF any old time, but she’s fucking annoying and he’s wondering what to do. Long story short, tell her to fuck off and if she said she had fun, I’m gonna have to refer you to the lesson we learned from the last caller (ahem). Surprise, more relationship calls from guys that needed relationship advice about bitches who be lyin. And more calls about people who think they’re music experts, and then some lady called in to see why she always attracts weird mother fuckers and the long story short is that she’s decent looking and not all fucked up or hunch backed or missing something important and that men like putting their dicks in stuff like that. Some lady called to ask why a dude will have to jack off if you tell him no, but it took way to long for her to actually ask it clearly and she didn’t seem like she knew who she was talking to, but then again, could have been some sort of clever ruse just to get airtime, cause you know how bitches be lyin’ and shit. And Tony hawk was live this afternoon, so the boys had to go, cue Bruce Lee music and yes, I totally meant all that shit in that hipster rant a little further up the page.

When I was young, my dad told me that I could grow up to be anything I wanted. I asked “Can I be an astronaut?” and he said “Sure, if you work hard” then I asked “Can I be a police man?” and he said “Of course, just as long as you always make sure to help everyone and don’t get scared” and then I asked “Can I be a dragon?” and he said “well son, I’d love to say yes but the only problem with that is that dragons aren’t real” and I said “Really? Cause I was a draggin’ my shit stained ass all over the hood of your broke ass car right before bed” and he said “Why do you think I never wash it? A rusted out 1971 Volvo ain’t gonna get diaper rash BIATCH!” and that was when I finally learned what that whole wax-on wax-off thing from Karate Kid was all about.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,