I’m going to tell you a story about me, a man, and a dog. I know how that may sound. But this isn’t your typical story about me, a man, and a dog. This one is different.
I had just gotten home from work, I was outside setting up sprinklers to water my lawn when I noticed someone walking down the street with a dog in front on a leash. The owner was tugging back and forth and scolding the dog the entire way. Clearly this dog did not want to listen and just did whatever it wanted, the owner was just along from the ride. As the man and dog kept walking and approached closer, I realized he and the dog seemed familiar. My mind raced to place the face with a name, but I was drawing a blank. I remember thinking, “It’s just a neighbor, neighbor’s friend, or a family member I just haven’t noticed before.”
As I stayed busy adjusting the sprinklers for optimal coverage, I kept an eye on the semi-familiar man and his dog walking down the street. As they came closer, the dog was straining to get to me, not in a “I want to bite you” sort of way, but in a playful and curious sort of way. I was not frightened. I bent down and held my hand out as the owner let some slack out on the leash to allow his dog to come closer. “Don’t worry, he won’t bite!”, shouted the man. I could tell this just by the dog’s attitude and looks, and trusted the mans words. The dog instantly approached me and began to push his wet snout into my hand. “That’s a good boy! Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy, that’s right!” I repeat.
The man catches up and starts to make typical, friendly chit-chat. “How are you doing? It’s pretty hot out here isn’t it?” I exclaim, “No doubt! It hot enough to make me consider quitting smoking!” We share a small laugh as the dog has become increasingly infatuated with me and had gone from smelling my hand, to licking my hand and using his nose as if he was showing me how he wanted me to pet him. I pet the dog, gave him a few “that’s a good boy” slaps on the ass and he was instantly my best friend. As the man and I continue to make small talk, the dog rolls over on his belly and starts motioning with his paws, as if to be saying “Hey, come on man, rub my belly, please!” He was so cute, I couldn’t bare to disappoint him, so I obliged and began to scratch his belly, chest, and armpits. We was in heaven.
The man continues, “Wow, he’s really taking a liking to you. Tell ya’ what. I’m getting ready to move for work and I can’t bring the dog with me. He seems to really like you, would you want him?” Perplexed and caught off guard, I began to fumble my words, almost just blurting out the stream of conscious racing through my head. “Well… I don’t… What does he even… How would I… I guess, dude.” Did that just come out of my mouth? Yes. Yes it did. I just agreed to take this familiar looking stranger’s, familiar looking dog, as my own. What the fuck was I thinking?! I didn’t know, I felt numb. The man can tell I’m scrambling to think, he interjects “Tell you what. I’m going to go get his papers to show you and while I do, why don’t you take this leash and keep on eye on the dog. I’ll be right back.” I’m instantly thinking this guy is just leaving me with his dog and is never returning.
I’m waiting. each minute feels like a half hour. As I’m looking at the dog and trying to think of what the fuck I’m supposed to do, I realize I’m gazing at the dog. He’s licking his legs, his ass, his balls, and now he’s concentrated on his little doggy dick. “Dude! What the fuck?! Stop! You sick fucker! Your pink thing is out now, you moron!” I yelled. His tongue is still going a million miles an hour and I’m thinking that I’m about to watch this fucking dog climax. I don’t know if I should smack him with a shovel or just leave and abandon this fucking dog. Suddenly I hear a shout “STOP THAT! STOP! STOP IT!” The man is running down the street, shouting at this fucking dog to stop giving himself head. I’m still in shock, a dog is leaning against my legs and ready to climax, and a strange man with a faux-hawk hair style is running towards me. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.
As the man is getting closer, he pulls out brownie and the dog starts kind of sitting / laying on the ground and dragging himself forwards. “Dude! Is this fucking dog jizzing all over my grass?” I exclaimed. “Man, I’m real sorry about that. It’s gross, but he does that sometimes. Usually I can give him a brownie and he chills out and won’t do that.” the man explains. He continues to show the dog this brownie, the dog has finished and is now lumbering towards his treat. I don’t know if it’s telling the dog “good job” or if it’s to calm this fucker down. The dog gobbles up the treat and is soon sprawled out and napping right where he was. “Here man, I brought over his papers. I swear that doesn’t happen often. Just give him one of these brownies right when you see him getting worked up and he’ll pass out instead.” says the man. I some what reluctantly go along with all of this for some reason. I’m still in shock of what just happened to my life in the span of 10 minutes.
The man continues to rattle off things about the dog, his eating habits, what to do, what not to do, etc. I’m trying to let all this sink in as much as possible. I felt like I was being given keys to safe that I never knew existed and it was filled with gold. As the man continues blurting out all sorts of information to me, my mind starts to slow down. In a split second, I’m thinking “Brain! Don’t do this right now, you can’t shut down on me! We really need this information!” My brain isn’t responding. it’s slowing down no matter what I want. Another thought pops into my head. I know this man! I know this dog! I’m filled with clarity now, I realize everything in a flash. I’ve got it!
As the man hands me a pack of rolling papers, I realize the bag of brownies he gave me are pot brownies. I look down at the dog and mutter, “I’m on to you!” and quickly turn to the man and say, “Look dude, I’m taking these pot brownies and these rolling papers, but the dog goes back with you! I hadn’t realize it before, but I now know exactly who you and your dog are.” The man looked shocked, even his dog looked shocked. They were busted, and they knew it. As I turned to go back and continue watering my lawn, as if to tell the pair that I was on to them and they should’ve known better, I said my final words to them before they walked off down the street. I said, “See ya Pendarvis, and stop cumming on people’s shit, Rawdog! Love the show, by the way!”
BOOM!
It’s Friday people, I’m glad you give enough of a fuck to read this because I barely give enough of a fuck to write it. So here we fucking go. French people are annoying shit fucks and this has been proven yet again by Tully annoying incredibly tanned neighbors. Even the French that are in Canada. I’ve been told by my beady eyed friends that they don’t like them much either. The A6K is broke again, or still. Lights, smoke, bells, the familiar sounds of the A6K. The guys were talking about Sammy Davis Jr mostly because they played Mr Bojangles before the show, and if you haven’t seen the video then you will here. Just try not to stare too hard at the Anaconda that he’s smuggling. Will “look at those shins” Pendarvis did Hollywood news and I have come to the conclusion that Hollywood is really fucked up. I could go into more detail about it but then I couldn’t tell every one that a woman is needed for the final scene in Big Fucking Mega Boat. That’s right ladies, if you can make your pussy sing that sweet sweet song and queef for the camera, you can be on Big Fucking Mega Boat, just send an email to jellis@siriusxm.com.
Tully did his new signature segment, Women, Am I Right?, and I am beginning to think that there are a lot of crazy broads out there. Better learn to sleep with one eye open and a finger on the trigger. I’m joking, I can’t sleep with an eye open. Breaking news, Justin Bieber’s balls have finally dropped and police in California ticketed him for going 100 miles per hour on the freeway. Kit Cope might not be at EllisMania 8 next week for reasons that are currently unknown so if he does pull out the pro shock collar fight will be cancelled. Final calls were more listenable than usual, still not saying much. A dude called in that got “shot” yesterday because he didn’t get his story out in a reasonable amount of time, and guess what, same thing happened today. So if you know this guy, give him a few leg kicks for us. A college girl called in with a Dude Am I A Slut, and she has banged about 6 guys on the water polo team, bareback. Yup, she’s a slut and the water polo team can’t stop giving each other high fives. Speaking of polo teams, yer mum had quite the tear through the polo team when she was in college, unfortunately the riders kept getting mad because she was only blowing the horses, OH!
We heard yer mum was going to be here.
It’s Monday
How-do my fine young cannibal folk? It’s Monday, nobody likey Monday unless it’s their first day of vacation, but even then – Monday’s just an asshole so it can still suck a herpes infested dick. And just so you know, I could use a picture of a herpes infected dick, but I won’t do that to you, not today at least – today you get Bugs Bunny in prison. We all know this next fact, but the Swinghouse studio is falling apart. It seems like every week there’s a new fiasco in that shitheep, and today was something to do with the voice altermication machine, according to Slick Shins Willy (that’s right, I’m using a new name for Shiney Shins Pendarvis for today) it was a bypass button that should have been checked prior to the show, but wasn’t. See? Slick Shins Willy does come to the rescue for fans as well as the talent. Ellis took a half black shit today so he’s thinking he might have internal bleeding, my initial diagnosis is maybe he’s shitting out evil, because evil is typically black in the movies. Ellis wants to shave off his beard now because the person he grew it for (I assume Katie) hates him (according to him) so he wants it off his face.
Get rid of your cock breath!
Today is make-out party day with hot chicks, they’re quickly trying to find a third chick to participate because one of the original girls set to appear missed her flight because she got roofied. Red Dragons!? One of the chicks coming in is Alexis Ford (@alexisford), a Penthouse Pet of The Month, and the same chick from New York whose button is her talking about “the loads coming down”, meaning the load in her butt. A caller chimed in to say that he’s seen her suck dick and so maybe they should think twice about making out with her, but as Tully said, your mom has sucked a dick and you still kiss her. Plus, they make after dick mints, so it’s all good. The other chick, which was kind of a surprise to the listeners until she came in for her turn in the contest, was Sparky (@Sparky_Fett)! Yes, the one and only chick that Rawdog banged twice with one condom! RawDerp, knowing he’s supposed to make-out with hot chicks today, decided it would be a good idea to not take a fucking shower today – but he did go to the dentist this morning and shaved his facial hair (as did Ellis) so I guess that’s about the best one could hope for.
Alexis’s boobs just about fell out.
For the contest, Rawdog will be known as “Fisty LaRue” and Ellis will be known as “Acockolypse Now” and during this segment, the chicks are blindfolded and have to guess who they are making out with. Alexis kissed Fisty LaRue first and immediately afterwards said “I hope contestant #2 is better”, ouch. Her initial reaction was “the first guy had bigger lips, he didn’t use any tongue at first – like he was nervous or something, and he needs some more work”. Acockolypse Now was next, afterwards she said “he had soft lips, a nice wet mouth, was more passionate, and he used more tongue. He was good, but felt he didn’t give it his all.” After these criticisms from Alexis, the guys went in for another round to see if their make-out techniques had improved. Afterwards, she said kissing Fisty LaRue reminded her of making out in highschool, while she said Acockolypse Now gave her exactly what she wanted. So overall, it sounds like Ellis won that first round.
Sparky could turn Kermit into gaping.
Next to come in blindfolded was Sparky. After kissing Fisty LaRue, she immediately knew who she was kissing, as she’s kissed him before. Her constructive criticism was that he should use a little more tongue, but also said that he had gotten better since their last encounter. Oh, and she grabbed his balls while she was making out with him! Obviously Ellis was next, she said she liked that he started off slow, and he was very sensual, but she said it seemed like it also lacked passion – I guess like he didn’t go for it more. After criticisms, they went for a second round. For Fisty LaRue, she said it was better, but she still wanted more dedication. So she kissed him for a third time, like the way she wants to be kissed. On Acockolypse Now’s second attempt, not to be outdone by Fisty, she said it was perfect and she was a little speechless afterwards. I think there might have been some slightly illegal touching in there, but you show me in the rule book where it says not pussy patting.
Rawdog getting a kissy in public?
RawDog went out on another date this weekend and started making out with the chick while they were at the bar. He doesn’t really remember much because by that point he had a few drinks, but he thinks she made the first move, however he did go for a titty grab while at the bar and she brushed his hand away. No word yet on if after the girl left, he stopped by a fast food bathroom to whack off. The Pacquiao vs Bradley fight was this weekend, supposedly everyone who knows what they are talking about said Pacquiao won, but the judges disagreed and gave the win to Bradley, oh and boxing is corrupt like politicians are… uh, corrupt. Fuck, that was witty.
Breaking news, Grant “Bubble Tits” Cobb has retired from his illustrious boxing career at Ellismania, therefore the interim musical chair champion (@Butterballs_EM6) get’s his belt back. Spots were also getting chosen today for the musical chair fight, there doesn’t seem to be any shortage of people who want in. Penguins full on practice necrophilia, which is odd because you’d think a dead penguin’s holes would be frozen shut, but hey, what do I know. It’s not like I work for National Geographic or watched Happy Feet 3. Actually, I do know this… You’re mom got dressed up like Cinderella once and do you know what happened when she got to the ball? She gagged. OH!
Your mom has the classiest pictures hanging in her stall in the barn.
Ellis went to see The Cult over the weekend with Will Pendarvis and a few chicks that are pro (fake) wrestlers for NWA or some shit, and it sounds like he had an alright time, sister. Rawdog’s rendition of any song by The Cult sounds like Michael Bolton to me, hotdog, sister. He also did not get laid this weekend, but did go in a sensory deprivation tank, where he could feel himself bump into the sides every so often. You know, that whole depriving the senses thing. The big news? Hold on to your hats, parking wasn’t $7, it was $15! Some Glee chick did something or another, or didn’t do something or another, I don’t know or care which. Seriously, the first two hours of the show was very oddly uneventful, it was actually a bit weird.
Everlast will be performing at EllisMania 8, along with of course Death! Death! Die!, and there is a bikini contest as well! There’s going to be an EllisMania Hall of Fame at some point, where specific contestants will be inducted, sounds like this might actually be in the future rather than this time around. Jon Jones got arrested for DWI and his mom had to come bail him out of jail. I ain’t makin’ no jokes about that dude or his mom because he could smash his elbow through my face, through the floor, and into the bowels of hell. Chyna passed out at a porn convention, apparently it was the 3rd time in the past 3 days. Unfortunately for her, something tells me we might be reading her obituary sooner rather than later. A father sewed his fourteen year old son’s butt together in an attempt to cure his Crohn’s disease. Fourteen. Butt sewn shut. And by dad. The fuck? Also, your mom’s sluttestry knows no bounds. Your mom went to see the doctor this morning for her annual check-up. He told your mom that she had to stop sucking dick. When she asked why the doctor said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!” OH!
