It’s “Who gives a fuck about your problems internal restructuring week” here at NoYouAre and god damn if I’m not excited for all the wonderful changes that are gonna be taking place in the near future. For one thing, I’m gonna be writing recaps with thigh earmuffs from now on unless my schedule doesn’t allow it or they find my naked corpse face down in the snow, y’know whatevs, and the new guy is getting his trial by fire real soon and people are switching days and FUCK IT’S GONNA BE A GOD DAMN AWESOME NEW CHAPTER OF DICK AND FART JOKE RELAY RACING FROM THE SATELLITE TO THE RADIO TO THE KEYBOARDS OF A BUNCH OF FOLKS WHO SHOULD PROBABLY EAT LESS CHEESE AND TRY SLEEPING AT MORE APPROPRIATE HOURS!!! But anyways, enough about us, cause we do this to talk about someone else and that someone else is the entity known as the Jason Ellis show. Today got rolling with Jason rolling completely solo cause everybody’s either sick or fired! Who’s on which list of shitcanned or shitting blood? We’ll possibly find out later! Hopefully! Jason has been getting mostly positive but still mixed reviews of having his abridged replays in the morning and some people are flat out cunts on twitter and basically exist to complain about things just cause nobody has ever taught them what productivity is. Tony Hawk still believes in Faction with Jason Ellis! Jason has been working through a lot of stuff in his issues and behaviors and things that make a person go crazy and do stupid shit sometimes. Cumtard and Jetta are both no longer members of the staff, and Tully is home with his entire family spewing putrid fluids from every orifice in the most metal vomit and diarrhea festival known to the ages. Jason isnot huge into soccer, so he’s trying to get the kids into MMA and if they like it then awesome and if not then you can’t say nobody tried. Jason does appreciate the work his therapist puts in, but it couldn’t hurt if he hired a janitor because one time he left a water bottle in the waiting room and it sat there for two weeks. After his last session, Jason visited the Zen garden nearby and wandered the boardwalk watching everyone in L.A. be a god damn kook in the water. So, basically, lots of pondering and stuff up in the air right now. Cumtard apparently took a week off and it’s unsure whether he’s coming back after that, and not much more information I can give there. Anyways, back to Jason and the Zen garden, a while ago he tried asking one of the caretakers how such a luxurious establishment exists and somehow got corralled into the back to learn about meditation and the guy leading the class was spending way too much time checking Ellis’ bulge (which I’m told is fantastic and beautiful). Then, the other shoe dropped and she told him it was $250 for a one hour session with sitting and tranquility and 8 inch balls and all that. So Jason just went for a 20 minute shakedown run through Zen and the art of Xenophobia since he had another appointment nearby, and god damn if the first thing this lady did was one healthy dick tap. Then she did some questions and smacked a gong around and some other stuff that didn’t seem like it was worth $75 bucks for 20 fucking minutes starting with a slap to the balls and no orgasm at the end of it. It all seems to tie in with the fact that Jason appreciates women and they can convince him of just about anything if they word it correctly. Luckily, he got the fuck out before she could convince him to do a follow-up appointment so no extra stuff on the wing’s plate and he can focus on what’s important, like teaching his kids to crush skulls in the octagon! It all reminded Jason of this time when one of his ex’s former friends started claiming that she could do Raiki on pets over the phone and how psychics and mystics are often times completely full of shit like a rectum that hasn’t been purged for several days. And since I’ve known some interesting people, it’s worth noting that one time I was hanging out with a psychic off the clock and they got drunk as shit and pretty much told me it’s all a god damn lie, so y’know, grain of salt and all that. Jason took some phone calls on the black arts and no I don’t mean motown, I’m talking about the arcane and magical. Some of it seemed to encourage the feeling that if you believe enough it will come true and that’s all well and good, but didn’t rule out the possibility that Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson are just trying to take your millions with the help of two other completely unknown stars as their assistants. Jason reminded us of some lady who was bitching at Tiger the last time he dropped him off at school and the bitch was there again today giving the hairy eyeball to Tiger and she followed him across the yard to start some shit but wouldn’t dare attempt it with a guy who has a wolf tattooed on his head. Tiger seemed pretty upset about the whole thing and for the first time ever didn’t want to go home with dad and wanted to be with mom, which surely hurts any dad’s feelings, but you know what? A boy’s best friend is his mother (hopefully). And to top it all off, Jason needs more waxing so that he can counter the effects of getting old, but GOD DAMMIT HAVING A REAL LIFE GETS IN THE WAY OF GETTING THINGS DONE! AND WHY CAN’T JASON HAVE SOME HAIR?!?!? IS JESUS TOO BUSY TO GIVE JASON SOME HAIR?!?!? ANSWER ME MAGIC JEW!!! He did eventually get around to the waxing place, but the conversation with his waxer was annoying as shit and dude sounded like he needed to experience some real shit like selling crack to make rent. Some really fucking homeless looking dude came in to the waxing place too and it seemed really bizarre that a place so god damn ritzy wouldn’t get the Aryan nation to toss him out of their master race propaganda center. Some British chick who’s actually Australian was giving him the stank/fuck me eyes too, and that just seemed out of place for a man covered in tattoos waiting to get his back waxed. Jason will still do it though, just so long as she stays hydrated. Ellis took some calls on things and stuff, one guy wanted to know about the requirements to race UTV’s which of course Jason couldn’t answer cause he doesn’t work for the sanctioning bodies, but still he tried to encourage the dude to learn more about it and try to find a way to get some seat time. Another guy called to tell Ellis that he won’t be banging that not quite British Australian lady cause she prefers a box lunch at the Y, but Jason just took it as a challenge to bust it open like no woman ever could. Somehow, this brought about the question “is it gay to let a man rub his knob on your crack?” To which the answer is of course “Yes, a resounding and undeniable yes, but if you’re into it, it’s nobody else’s business.” There were more calls and stuff and it all seemed pretty friendly and good natured after the turmoil of the first part of the show. There was a guy who needed to hear that sometimes divorce is the right thing to do when you’re both sick of each other and the kids need two happy fulfilled people in their lives and if neither of them can say that about themselves when they’re together than they shouldn’t be. Jason decided to take a break after all that solo gum flapping, which was probably a good thing cause he’s gonna need them pipes for another three hours.
Since Jason is still running the show alone, he got a chance to provide some input on how great it feels when hot ladies announce your show by saying they want to run parts of their bodies over parts of yours, and people, the creepier the better. Jason has been trying to exercise during the breaks, as well as pumping himself full of every medicine available to man cause fuck it why not? But he’s especially pissed that Theraflu is getting taken off the market cause it worked too good for there not to be something sweet as all fuck in it. Jason took a few minutes to listen through some of the music being suggested for the channel and get a little feedback about what people would like to not hear again. Before all that though, Jason and Will chatted for a while about Mike Tyson and how Jason has often under appreciated skills in the world of business and comedy. And substance abuse, skating, the old days, yer mum, and a whole lot of other things. A lot of what’s been tough going for Jason lately is all the stuff with his family that he’s been dealing with. We’ve all of course heard the seemingly endless issues with his mom, and of course he wants to patch it up with her just well enough that his kids can form their own opinion of her without his experience being all they base it on, and that’s all well and good, but it’s still a struggle cause some people can get all the polite treatment you can dish out and still have something negative as fuck to send back. And some people just refuse to handle the truth about things that have gone on with the people closest to them, so no matter what you want them to understand, it’s just not gonna get through to them. This is all kind of exterior to the what’s really important though, and that’s today and how awesome it can be when you do stuff that’s good for you and productive, so let’s get back on that train. So, new music, before any of it we heard a couple phone calls and some banter about how Jason kinda hates Death!Death!Die! but is still proud of the product and there’s a few tracks that he’s really happy with. Then, WILSON popped in a CD with stuff for them to sample. First band was Death From Above and they sounded kind of like The Hives, and I actually like The Hives a bit but not any of their radio tracks, and this was a bit more like one of their radio tracks. I wouldn’t complain to anybody if it was playing, but wouldn’t go out of my way to play it myself. Next up we heard some modern metal that wasn’t at all cookie monster from Mastodon and I’ve heard a few tracks from them that I like and they are talented musicians, this track wasn’t my style though. After that we got a listen of Royal Blood and it wasn’t terrible, kind of a Jack White vibe and catchy as all fuck. Next track Will played was from The Gallows and I’ve never much like the monotonous voice of their singer but I could understand if someone else liked them. Next was a band that I’ve actually fallen madly in love with recently called the Interrupters, and sure, they’re one of Tim Timebomb’s prodigies on Hellcat records, but they’re also fucking good at their craft and when I saw them live at Tim’s brother’s birthday a while back, they brought the fucking thunder and had the whole room skanking to the beat. After that was some band covering the Ramones that Will didn’t feel like mentioning the name of. Then we got a track from Yelawolf that was a bit different from his normal stuff but still pretty good. Next was more modern metal WITHOUT THE COOKIE MONSTER (squeee) that quickly shat the bed when the singer busted out sounding like Morrissey after an entire box of whippets and was deemed not good enough and I kinda had to agree. Up next we listened to a few bars from a post hardcore band that again, Will didn’t feel like naming but nonetheless would be put in rotation to either be picked apart by wolves or become champion of the arena and slaughter Caesar. After that we heard a rather emo band for a few seconds and it was quickly nixed. Then we got a strong thrash intro that segued into a high pitched and gravel throated Bruce Dickinson tribute-sounding singer from Exodus and it might work on some stations, but a little too far out of left field for Jason. However, it grew on The Wing and he let it fly. After that we heard a respectable tribute to the epicness of 80’s metal and double-kick drums and then the cookie monster started raging like his meth boner had exploded and left him dying of exsanguination, and Jason would not have another second of Scar Symmetry. And that was all of it, with only a few kicked to the curb outright and the playlist still wide open for suggestions. The guys turned to the phones to get some feedback from the audience and it seemed pretty good for the most part minus all the people who insist on suggesting new songs even though they said that was going to be reserved for a later date. Jason got a text from Sluggo which reminded him that he’s trying to get back into skateboarding and that he should get started by actually making use of his sponsor Globe’s mini-ramp so that he can get his legs back and hoon the fuck out of himself at a beginner level. After all that, Jason told a story about getting a vitamin B injection in his ass at some Hollywood spa place and it all started with him not filling in the date on some piece of paperwork cause he’s dyslexic and nobody usually gives a fuck. The lady at the counter appreciated the fact that he didn’t fill in the date cause he’s had an over privileged life, being a New York Times best seller even though he’s never read a thing and hasn’t had a whole lot of reason to start in his line of work. Jason went to this spa to recoup after all the hard work of racing in North Carolina and everything was feeling great right up until he got to the ass cheek puncturing session, while Jason was in the locker room, a guy actually asked if Malin Ackerman really signed and tattooed his ass, to which he had to respond “Yeah.” In the process of confirming with Hot Dog and Wilson that you can in fact see her name from a distance, and displayed his hole to the CEO and intern all in one fell swoop. This whole story really got Jason thinking that it’s time to get rid of the Rawdog and Joe Willy tattoos cause frankly it’s been long enough since he’s had any dealings with either of them, so he decided to do an impromptu “World’s Greatest Tuesday” by turning to the fans to ask what the best replacement tattoo would be for his freshly waxed infant smooth ass. He also got a better look at the Malin Ackerman tattoo and even that is kind of unacceptable simply for the fact that she has no experience whatsoever doing tattoos and it really put Jason in a headspin so he decided full cheek cover up that would eradicate all of it. His first idea was something race inspired like a dirt track or a pirate ship. Some of the ideas from the callers were a second ass (black ass, cause it needs to cover), Cat in the Hat fishing in the rectum, Gene Simmons with the trademark tongue going towards the hole, Dimebag Darryl (for shame, everyone, that’s just mean), The World, Joe Willy actually called in to say that it’s perfectly acceptable to cover his name since it’s not even spelled right, and suggested he get a shark eating its own heart, a red dragon breathing fire into the hole, Katie’s hand print, Ozzy’s head eating a bat, Jason’s moto license plate, or possibly Chad Reed’s with his autograph underneath, the giant underground slug from Tremors (which would probably just look like a turd in the long run, which would be even more bizarre to get tattooed on your ass), Bigfoot reaching into his rectum, the flaming Hindenburg, “Juicy” (of course suggested by a dude that could not have made it any less obvious he wants to take a spray of Jason’s DNA across his grille), The Sistine Chapel ceiling, A dinosaur or pretty much any lizard because the scales do a great job covering up writing and that inspired Jason to get his pet bearded dragon Supercross on his ass, Andy Dick doing a line of coke, Shaq or John Madden saying “BOOM”, hamburgers so you can tell people you have Asperger’s, a dogsled complete with Eskimo bull whipping the dogs, Rocktopus, A caution flag, A huge double sided battle axe, a skater jumping the crack, Bill Nye the Science Guy, the tail end of Jason’s Porsche, a viking warship, and that last one basically sealed it cause Gene Simmons is a sellout and owns an indoor football team. BREAK TIME!
Jason came back from the break to do a game with WILSON and Hot Dog about Marilyn Monroe, and in the midst of this WILSON admitted that he barely uses the e-cig anymore and still hasn’t gone back to regular smokes, so he’s sticking to his word like a mother fucking champion. But anyways, back to Hot Dog and Marilyn Monroe, but more importantly whether or not Hot Dog knows who a whole bunch of other well known figures are. To keep it short, he knew Al Gore was a vice president who “bullshittedly” got a Nobel peace price for some movie he made, he didn’t know who Malin Ackerman was but Googled her and found out she was an actress, he knew Alfred Hitchcock was a director that may or may not have raped or otherwise been inappropriate with all the women on his movie sets, he knew Billy Crystal but not from When Harry Met Sally, he didn’t know Bob Hope was the greatest contributor to soldier morale at all the USO shows ever, but thought that he was a singer from the fifties who wrote music about long skirts and grilling with your dad, he knew Boy George was a singer with a spray on coif and a long string of male prostitute beatings as of late, he knew that Cassius Clay was a boxer also known as Muhammad Ali, he thought that Cindy Crawfordwas an actress (which is technically true because she did star in a movie with Billy Baldwin way back in the days, although I wouldn’t call her an “actress” from that particular display of big screen forgetability) and did not know that her main claim to fame is as a super model who does not age thanks to an African melon extract that you can buy at 3 AM on QVC for just $29.99, he didn’t know that Colin Powell was an army general and politician, but thought that he was a humanitarian doctor helping kids with cleft palettes in Africa, he knew Dan Aykroyd as an amazing force of comedy and that David Hasselhoff is taken way more seriously in Germany than the US, he knew Dick Clark hosted late night TV, he knew Goldie Hawn was an actress who took some dick and made the fine specimen known as Kate Hudson, he couldn’t tell you who Julius Irving was if it would prevent him from getting shot in the face, knows Mario Andretti cause of that one time he did donuts in a formula 1 car at the opening ceremony of the Olympics one time, definitely knew that Mark Hamill was Luke Skywalker, knows less than a fraction of a shite about Rock Hudson but knows he got paid for being a bad mother fucker simply on principle, knew Wynona Ryder was in Beetlejuice and got arrested for stealing jewelry repeatedly after spurning Johnny Depp’s world class penis, and finally he knew that Winston Churchill was definitely the prime minister of Britain. And as the tiebreaker for Jason and Wilson, Hot Dog knew that Lane Staley was the lead singer for Alice in Chains. The guys all turned to the phones to get some final calls and banter with everybody out in the rest of the world for a while. Some lady asked if Hot Dog was a Quaker cause obviously Jason has the answer for that, what with all his experience dealing with those shifty Quakers all across the wilds of Australia, more dangerous than the Amish in them parts. The lady with three tits that the guys talked about yesterday was proven pretty much fake, but Jason didn’t listen to the guy who was calling to pass that along, however it is entirely true cause in a YouTube video the third titty is obviously a different color and no one has seen the top and bottom at the same time, not to mention that she’s obviously making a play to get famous cause people don’t want talent on TV anymore they just want bullshit, which is really all MTV has done for about a decade now. Jason is gonna do more racing in the future and loves the Italians. A couple more suggestions came in for the ass tattoo but right now the viking warship seems to be the best option. Some more folks called in and it was a lot of the normal faire, as it often is, and then the show came to a close with some dude bitching about his wife and his full time job, cause obviously nobody’s ever been able to enjoy their life with either of those things.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
And let me just say, with my big move coming up I’ve been really appreciating the support of all of you guys, as well as my friends and family outside of this wonderful little community bound together by an afternoon radio show. We’re sorting out a lot of things here, like if my schedule might allow me to keep doing this, and believe me I would love to, it’s been a blast from the start and it’s great to know how much people enjoy it and be part of some of the things this website has done. If this is the last piece I ever write for this website, just know I thank all of you for reading this and every other brain vomit session I’ve put out here, and if it’s not, I hope everything else I do here gives you all the enjoyment I get making it.
Sincerely,
That guy who got his ass kicked in front of 3,000 people for talking a lot of smack,
And coined the term “CumShart”,
And can’t seem to cut a run-on sentence short,
shit_toboggan
