Welcome to Monday’s re-cap of TJES! First, a bit of sad news, actor Dennis Farina died at the age of 69 today. And fuck no, he wasn’t most famous for Law & Order. One of my personal favorite lines of his, was when he played Cousin Avi in the movie Snatch, he said:
“Blagged”? Tony, speak English. I thought this country spawned the fucking language, and so far nobody seems to speak it.
A festival full of hipsters & neckbeards? Let’s go!
That’s just awesome, and completely true. Anyways, Dingo is here today, back from Jamaica. Rawdog has returned safely. Tully is there, his evil child has let him live to see another day. Of course Ellis is there. Ellis was thinking about heaven the other day, he assumes you can fly and eat cakes, but you won’t get fat because that would make you un-happy. And do fat people become healthy and skinny in heaven? Rawdog caught some shit for all his Instagrams over the weekend, from his trip to Chicago to go to a music festival, by himself. First he doesn’t post enough, then he posts too much, the guy just can’t win. He didn’t make any new friends, but he did try talking to a few chicks and got blown off. However, he did manage to get a large neckbeard that flipped him off. Dingo thinks Rawdog’s girlfriend gets fucked by 15 different dudes a day, but that’s because he doesn’t pay attention to shit. Will posted an Instagram over the weekend as well that ended up spawning a debate if they should fix the squeaky studio door or not.
Fuck Jamaica, you wanna see some crime? Visit East St. Louis.
Dingo got robbed in Jamaica and he says the begging there is probably worse than in Mexico. He tried to tell more stories about Jamaica and a documentary and Snoop Dogg or something, but he can’t tell a logical story to save his paper bag in a contest. I think that’s how the saying goes, right? He also watched the life go out of a goat’s eyes just before he ate that motherfucker, probably not with a nice bottle of chianti though because let’s face it, he’s not very well refined. Dude doesn’t even know Sandy the Squirrel is a squirrel instead of a beaver. Tully wants to hear an animal scream and then eat it. He says it’s because he wants to make sure he’s okay with eating meat, but we all know he’s harboring a murderous rage inside. This brought us back into heaven conversation, whores, virgins, fucking, sucking, snorting, shooting, and the holiest of holes that you may or may not get to fuck senseless during your stay in club heaven.
Ah, British porn is so fucking hot.
The prince and princess has had their royal baby. That’s right. The whole world has been royally waiting to see what comes out of one woman’s royal vagina. Turns out, it wasn’t an assortment of collectibles and trinkets stolen from Buckingham Palace. Does Obama call Jay-Z his n-bomb? I don’t know how the fuck that or Downzig snuck into the conversation, but they did. This took us into Game of Thrones and I don’t give a royal rat’s ass if there are dragons in that show, I ain’t gonna watch it. A shit ton of convicts, including senior members of al Qaeda who had already been sentenced to death, have broken out of Iraq’s Abu Ghraib jail. So, that’s not good and my ass is guessing that some shit is about to start popping off like a motherfucker. In super gross news, Geraldo Rivera posted a nude selfie to Twitter, saying that 70 is the new 50. He later deleted the photo (don’t worry, it’s in the linked article if you wanna see old ass wang stem) and said note to self, no more posting after 1 AM – which means he was probably poppin’ blue pills and ready for a mean jerk off session. In moto news, Dungey, Villopoto, Reed, Grant, Alessi, and Tickle – bike yeah.
Way more metal than Metallica, it’s the metal piper!
Ellistronic TV started today with Dingo, Katie, and Ellis. It’ll be 3 days a week or less or maybe more or it might go bankrupt, who knows. You can watch it on EllisMania.com and apparently Ellis revealed an uncomfortable story that he’s never said before except to Tully for his 2nd book. Metallica put out another trailer for their new movie while they were at Comic Con, doesn’t that sound like the most metal thing you could ever read? People in New York are paying $400 an hour for consultants to teach their kids how to play with other children. Nick was on the horn, he’s part of the Patriot Guard Riders, the motorcycle enthusiasts created to oppose the WBC and help fend off those vultures from disrespecting the funeral rights of fallen US military personnel. He basically just clarified what exactly the Patriot Guard Riders stand for, what they do, and how they do it.
Right or wrong, it’s time to learn some history and shit.
Then it was time to test everyone’s knowledge of history. Such as the Great Pyramids. How were they built? With the latest in fat chick technology. Why were they built? Because there was no fucking TV back then, life was boring. Now, what about the Cold War? That shit was between America and Russia and it was not about heating coal. It started between Yuri Slobberdickovich and Mike Smith, from Russia and America, respectively. It was basically a big No You Are contest and it ended with Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago. If Rocky can change, and Ivan can change, and Apollo dies, everyone can change! Who was Vlad the Impaler? He invented a muscle car and after dismal sales, Ice Cube told him, “Look homey, you change that name and it’ll sell like that crackrock on them streets.” And that bit of advice gave us the Chevy Impala. The American Revolutionary War was not between The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, but rather it was between America and Britain and dental hygiene. Clearly, we won what that one as well. Pocahontas was the first hot olive skinned chick that the first white man had ever boned, creating an entire group of hot ass models that do cocaine and fuck like only chicks with daddy issues could.
Batman is getting real tired of your shit.
This led us into more talk about Alessi and all the moto shit with shining lasers in opponents eyes and all that good stuff. That, then, put us into final call territory. But we also got a few other gems, like why hasn’t anyone shot Batman in the face? Then the argument of who wins in a fist fight, Batman or Spiderman? What about Superman? What about having sex with all three of them? And what about a fuck, marry, kill scenario between those three? It seems the consensus is to kill Spiderman, marry Batman because he’s rich as fuck and you could go to some kick ass places / parties, and then fuck Superman because you’ll be flying around having the most glorious sexual experiences in your life. Speaking of Batman / Bruce Wayne. Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they don’t know where home is. :( And why do orphans play tennis? Because it’s the only time they get love. OH!