Show Re-cap For Monday 4/23/2012

Hellos to people read these bolg, today I likes you and tell of you fans strong of fight and don’t even take a shit if you don’t have to! I tell everyone do not take shits for anyone, only give shits, and see futures in balls. Talking was done over fans, listeners, New York, Chicago, Steve Astephen, fuckings, and monies. Oh noez, I sucks and are a pieces of shits. Okay, okay, I’ll stop talking fucktarded. It’s only funny for a little bit. For everyone whose read “I’m Awesome” all the way through, soon you won’t have to worry about spoiling anything for people by talking about the book, because bits and pieces from the book keep getting talked about on the show. Knowing that, you should probably hurry up and finish reading the book if you haven’t yet.

Ellis and Tully got a ride home from the po-po from Max’s Bar in Chicago, and they even got to go check on a domestic disturbance call. Ellis made out with some hot chick while his face was painted up with death mask makeup, and then Rawdog tried to get a smooch in on the chick too, but sounds like she snuffed him on the lip kiss and presented him with her cheek instead. Rawdog also tried to get all rock and roll on his keyboard and smash it, but the little fella wasn’t doing a very good job at it so Ellis took over and destroyed it for him. The guys met Danny’s mom at one of the book signings in Chicago, and according to Ellis his mom is hot as shit. HotMommyOD5 apparently told Dan’s daddy that Ellis is pretty good looking too – so yeah – this shit could get really fucking weird like really fucking quick.

Rawdog went to pick up his car this morning, everything was as it he had left it, movie props and weed were still there – so let’s just assume nobody but Rawdog and the tow truck driver had stepped foot in his shitbox on wheels. He still likes to share the blame with the local police department, because you know, it sucks having to own up to having a moment of tardness all by yourself. Along with Dingo, Cumtard and Skin stopped by the show today to bullshit and play a little bit of shock trivia and Skin used an annoying fake British (or Scottish) accent. As usual, Cumtard probably got the worst of the treatment – but he likes taking shots for the team so I don’t think he minds too much. It’s weird, because just as Cumtard takes shots for the team, your mom takes shots of man load from hordes of nasty men on a daily basis – for free. OH!

Your mom won an iron

Show Re-cap For Thursday 3/15/2012

Jager BeardHey, hey, hey, it’s fuckin’ Thursday! Did you read that in Fat Albert’s voice? Because I typed it in his voice, so I hope you did. Otherwise it’s just not as funny, it’s like being barefoot and stepping in a fresh dog turd. Today is the day Tully and Rawdog (aka JagerBeard) get plastered on the show in preparation for tomorrow’s show, where they test out “Forgiven”, a supposed hangover cure by TJ Lavin. Tully said he’ll drink later tonight, understandable since he does have a new born baby at home. I mean, it’s way more fun to drink and juggle children than it is to just hold them in a sober state. (<= That’s a joke right there, and for the record I would like to say that I am against drunken baby juggling. Paid for by the committee for more bitPimps in your rectal area.) Today is also the @DanOD5 show, he produces the entire show, coming up with ideas, bits, games, etc. for the guys to do on air.

Jager BeardIn other news, EllisMania 8 is still June 23rd, and I assume will not be live on HDNet, I hope you’re happy everyone who already scheduled your vacations and purchased your hotel rooms, I won’t be able to see it live. I see how it is, fuck me – that’s real nice, real nice. So one of the segments was to take Dan’s phone and call someone in his contacts list, apparently he had some lovey dovey texts to someone he called “poopy face” or “mud butt” er wait, yes, it was “poopy face”. Dan’s cute-o-meter just exploded, all over the place with glitter, streamers, and party hats. Another number was labeled Wang Kong – sounds like a powerful name, but we’ll never know because it went to voicemail. I’m just going to pretend that he was busy fighting Godzilla or buying black market shark fin soup.

Jager BeardJagerBeard, being the gnarly pirate that he is, needed some pudding to take the “Forgiven” pills. Yes, this is the same man that creepily whispers “pussy” to the audiences of the world and calls Tony Hawk’s ramp “rickety” right to his face. Hard. Core. Mother. Fucker. Tully made a spot on observation, claiming he looked less like JagerBeard and more like Slick Rick! That fucking Tully guy, he’s hilarious and if that didn’t make you laugh, then you’re dead on the inside. Poor JagerBeard. The ChexMix chasers caught up to him and he started feeling pretty ill, they had to get the emergency puke bucket but there was no real hurlage, just a bit of a squirt of vomit. If you’ve never heard JagerBeard before, you’re life is incomplete, no words can describe how awesome he is.

And… no, we’re not done here just yet… starting tomorrow, and every Friday from here are on out, in the morning there will be a 2 hour (I believe) “best of” hosted by Rawdog and Rawdog only. Then, at normal afternoon time, the show will be live! That’s right errbody, wipe the stank off your hang down and polish off your ball gags! Seriously, do it! If you do it, I’ll do it. I’m going to be having my hang down de-stanked and my balls gagged on by your mom. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 3/6/2012

ElephantitisHey, it’s “Big Balls” Tuesday and that is no laughing matter. Elephantitis of the nuts is a serious issue affecting at least a handful of people in the world. Speaking of big balls, Rawdog revealed he almost choked to death on a butterscotch candy when he was kid and now he won’t eat them anymore, I assume because he’s afraid he’ll die. I think this is probably where his “small throat” excuse comes from considering he can’t swallow pills or even a mouthful of liquid. Thankfully though, Tully has attended baby CPR classes so should Rawdog start choking on his own spit, Tully can save his life. So naturally, it was time to get Rawdog over his fear of butterscotch hard candies. Will and Dan came in with some butterscotch candies, it took awhile but he was finally victorious over the candy and did not die! Shout out to that legend of a man, beating out a butterscotch candy. Fucking gangster.

Come at me eseTully, Rawdog, and Jude were trash talking and challenging each other to a book report-off. I think I’ve officially heard it all now, especially when Rawdog busted out an “ese” while tough talking Jude. I don’t know much about Jude and his reading habits, but if speech habits have any bearing on the subject, Rawdog’s “book wepowt” is going to be full of mistakes. Tully seems like the front runner on this one, I mean he did go to Oxford, not to mention he can now perform baby CPR. That has to add something to his book report skills, right? On the other hand, Jude just might come out with a masterpiece, especially if he does it while on ketamine.

Mauro RanalloThere was a whole metric fuckload of talk about the recent Rush Limbaugh “scandal” and what is right or wrong or acceptable, advertising, who’s a prostitute or not, etc. It was supposed to be “Dude am I slut? Rush Limbaugh edition” but instead it turned into a circle jerk discussion about freedom of speech. In other news, Bro Brogan (@joerogan) apparently tried to get hair implants and now has a scar from it. I think we can all agree that the “bald” or shaved head look is way more popular today than it ever was. By the way, have you seen Mauro Ranallo after he shaved his head? He looks fucking hilarious / horrible with a shaved head. He also shakes his head a lot when talks and kind of reminds me of Seth MacFarlane.

BellaEllisBelladonna was on the show today and she’s bald too, I mean she has a shaved head now. But her cookie is probably bald as well. She used to come in back when the show was first starting out, and she was always a pretty cool guest. The major topic while she was there was people calling in with strange things they found sexy or hot or whatever. There were quite a few “strange” ones, but I think the blockbuster of the bunch was a guy that called in and said after doing some coke and drinking, he would put lube on his dick, tie rubber bands around his cock to keep it hard, penetrate his ass, wash it off, and then suck his own cock. I think what made the story even better was how matter of fact and dead serious he was while discussing it. He sounded very believable as well, especially with all his cokehead pauses while telling a story.

In other big news, Pendarvis has cleared the way to move the Friday morning shows to it’s normal afternoon time. He says this should happen not this coming Friday, but the next Friday. And you know what that means, the move is probably gonna be delayed indefinitely. HAHAHAHAA Get it? No? Well, fuck you then. Alternatively, you could fuck your mom, everyone else has. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 3/5/2012

It’s just another manic Monday, I wish it was Sunday, fuck that – no I don’t. Sunday’s suck just as bad as Mondays. The Bangles were fuckin’ dumb as shit, man. What I really just want to get across to you here is that it is Monday. So, sounds like Tully has invented something for babies, he’s even got a lawyer involved. He hasn’t eluded to what it is exactly and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to, at least anytime soon. Best of luck to him and his invention as well as his love for chucking spears.

It’s @DanOD5‘s birthday today, he’s 12 now! And Kirk Cameron is fucktarded. Rawdog went on another date and also has a setup for a different date and it sounds like this date might be about a threesome! Or it could be about Rawdog banging this chick while her other guy friend sits in the corner, sweating profusely and masturbating. She mentions something about “it would help if you were into polyamorous relationships”, and apparently she hooks up with another dude who also has online dating profile. So the suggested date includes her, the hookup guy, and Rawdog. I think they may want to treat him as a sex doll.

Dammit JimThe Backbone (@CullenSaidThis) interviewed George Takei today and asked him if and when he was going on The Jason Ellis Show. He was incredibly creepy with his voice and flirting towards Ellis, saying he can’t wait for their “m-e-a-t-i-n-g”. Wow. He also say’s he working on his jealous husband to allow him to go on the show. Moving on, the guys were asking for some suggestions for possible guests on the show. A lot of good ideas came up, some more likely than others, but good none the less. Hopefully something works out on that front.

The show went back to Rawdog and his father’s speech impediment. Rawdog completely denies that he or his dad has a speech problem, but it seems most everyone else in the world hears it, except him. In frustration, Rawdog had his sister Gabby call in to listen to the clips of the Dogfather saying certain words where he clearly is mispronouncing them. Instead of Gabby admitting that any of them have speech issues, she says, “You know both my brothers have a learning disability” I fucking cried laughing for several minutes while Rawdog was dumbfounded at what his sister just said. It was so fucking epic, maybe even just slightly more epic than how your mom looks getting an angry dragon. OH!