Mom, Dad… One day I’m going to grow up and become the Tsar of Candyland!
It’s Monday and the only thing that could be worse would be if your wiener was so chapped, it just kept flaking and peeling until you were left with a nub. You on your ass game? Keeping that shit smooth and buttery? No? Ellis is. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog is looking mello today, like a smooth criminal. His beauty secret? He’s tired and didn’t use any product in his hair. It’s finally starting to sink in, Rawdog is going to have to suck on a dead horse’s dick – and it’s starting to trouble him. Especially when he thinks about his parents seeing pictures of him suck on said dead horse’s dick, and how he’s going to have to explain that to his parents. How will this happen? Because he’s friends with his parents on Facebook. What’s more? They hate Ellis, allegedly. He’s asked them at times to not listen to the show, but sometimes they still do. One way that was discussed to get them to butt out of his work life a little… take pictures of himself fucking his mom’s underwear and send her the pictures. Tully was name dropping some big guns, speaking of him walking / talking with Cameron Crowe, only to end up walking into a room only to see some other famous person and Elton John playing The Bitch Is Back. Ellis went to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, said they sucked and Axl Rose sucked, but has stage presence, and I don’t think any of us listeners were surprised by that news.
One of the bigger differences between men and women?
Here we go, Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up, but wait! There may still be hope for the two forlorn, star crossed, lovers. Prepubescent teens and grown ups everywhere are devastated, but hopeful. Elmo of Sesame Street fame, actually the man (Kevin Clash) that does Elmo’s voice, is denying that he molested a 16 year-old boy. Instead, he waited until the boy was 18, and then fucked him senseless. Something again about Lindsay Lohan and a Barbara Walters interview. I don’t know, I’m still puking / making jokes about Elmo molesting children. Matthew McConaughey has looks like he has AIDs, it’s for a role in some new movie he’s doing – I think it’s called Elmo Strikes Again. The Mowgli’s (of Death! Death! Die! fame) will be on Leno sometime in the upcoming days, so shout out to those happy indie pop-rock artists of the future.
If robots want to become women, this is how it can be done.
CIA Director David Petraeus resigned amid an extra-marital affair and people are full on circle jerking about his judgement and decision making. But what women and their decision making, am I right? HA-HA! There was some kind of big brawl in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup race over the weekend. Some feller crashed into another good’ole boy, who later crashed into that first daggum sunnuva-gun too, then there was some bull malarkey in the gal-durned pits, dude ran to a NASCAR trailer and by golly if other dude didn’t trot on over to fight that dude, but then all these other dudes from dem der pits startied fighting other pit dudes, and then everyone high fived, drank beers, hit women, and shit ike-at. YEEHAW, YOU SONS A BITCHES!!! Do you know the secret to a longer, healthier, and happier life? No, it’s not NASCAR, it’s sex bots! Except the big problem with that is, they don’t actually exist yet so until I get to fuck a sex bot, I’m calling bullshit. However, I will fully back a US Rapebot for freedom and democracy across the globe, and until every man, woman, and child has been raped by a robot until they are free – I will not rest. Bad news on the home front today, your mom got stuck in a tree. But it’s okay now, the noose was cut and she is now out of the tree and tied to a bumper. OH!