2014

Posted on May 19, 2014 by bitPimps 中

What’s that? I rolled it again? Oh, you didn’t want me to roll it? What?

Yardsale is back! For today anyway, tomorrow he gets his heart welded on and he’ll need at least 1 day to recover. It’s fucking heart surgery man, so don’t be upset if dude takes a few days off. If it were me, I wouldn’t even be in today, I’d be too much of a wreck to stop puking and shitting. Anyway, you know how he went to race this weekend? Yeah, he rolled his ride again, at least he went most of the race and rolled half way through the last lap. He was 10th out of 18 at that point. But hey, he qualified 17th and at one point was 8th, so that’s doing pretty good for not really being a racer. Besides, Ken Block crashed this weekend too, so there’s that. The main point here is that he had fun. Apparently TJ Lavin did pretty well and Ronnie Faisst sucked. Ellis is trying to stay excited about getting his heart surgery, Tully is excited, and all of Dingo’s innards are revolted at the idea. Dingo was a Jason Ellis Show correspondent at the Street League event this weekend, but we’ll get to that later. Ellis forgot to go on cam this morning like he planned to do each week, but seriously, what’s up with parking tickets in LA, am I right? Speaking of LA, there’s some traveling show about Pompeii or some shit. Why is that a touring festival? That seems weird. It’s like Burning Man, but with lava, pyroclastic flows, and death and shit. I hiked into Haleakalā crater once. Worst experience ever. I thought I was gonna die. Who knew a smoker, hiking out of a crater that doesn’t want to let you leave, in thin-ass air, above the clouds, not wearing sunblock, wouldn’t do so hot in that situation? Looked awesome hiking down, but hiking up was pure hell. Anyway, I’ve gotten side tracked. So dudes, is there a chick you would lock down by getting pregnant? We’re talking you put holes in your condom, but don’t tell the chick so she “mysteriously” gets pregnant and has to stay with you. I guess you have to be clear on your motives. I chose Oprah just so I could make her best friend, Gayle, jealous and be there to watch their relationship deteriorate. Anyway, since Ellis has been thinking about life lately with his upcoming heart surgery, everyone on the show came up with a bucket list over the weekend. But before we get to that, let’s take a moment to realize that Dingo has his own personalized stationary. Fucking. Amazing. Now, on to the bucket lists… after this!

Tired of sitting at work, needing to masturbate, but not having any personal lubricant? Now there’s KY Ink! Sold at stores near you!

And we’re back! Wanna know which 7 jobs have the highest suicide rates? Well just for you, I have the answers! I mean, someone else has the answers, but I can at least link you to them, so that kinda counts, right? What’s up with #7 on the list? The rest made sense to me, but #7 left me confused. So what’s the remedy for all these people in high suicide rate jobs? Get naked and hug a tree. Just go with it, man. Ellis ain’t got time for shit, except putting air in his tires. Turns out, he doesn’t have time for that either because people be blocking the air pump. Then the gas station attendant wouldn’t turn the air compressor on. DAMN THE MAN! Or at least damn the man working at Art’s 76 on Hollywood Blvd. Allegedly. Anyway, on to the bucket lists.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dave! We said get naked & hug a tree. Not just whip it out and start fucking it!

Ellis’ bucket list:

Be number one in radio, satellite or terrestrial.
Race cars.
Have a ten-some.
Own a Lamborghini.
Have a kick boxing fight.
Do a wheelie on a horse.
Not to pay his ex-wife or ever get a divorce again.

Cumtard’s bucket list:

Have his likeness appear in a comic book.
Go to Japan to fulfill his round-eye perviness.
He’d like to fuck a girls butt.
Sell a script he wrote and have it produced.
Do a voice in a cartoon or video game.
Save a life.
Get powers. Like super powers. Which isn’t allowed on the list.

Wilson’s bucket list:

Doing a voice for an animated series. He’s been dreaming of it since he was 9-years-old & even wrote to Mel Blanc.
Have dinner with Jeff Lynne of Electric Light Orchestra.
Own a home.
See a reunited Pink Floyd in concert.
~~Listed on The Jason Ellis Show Wikipedia page.~~
Go on a ride-along with the LAPD.
Wants to see The Jason Ellis Show become the biggest show in the world.

Dingo’s bucket list:

Have a family. Soon.
Go heli-boarding in Alaska with his brother & dad.
Create an award-winning TV show.
Climb Mount Everest
Sail around the world.
I missed it. He went too fast, like he was ashamed.
I missed this one too.

Jetta’s bucket list:

Visit space.
Sit courtside at the NBA finals
Visit the deep sea
Die on film, like fake die on TV or a movie
Write a book
Go see the Amazon rainforest
To be in a massive, no rules, food fight

Tully’s bucket list:

Make at least two more solo music albums
Make a third album with someone he really respects
Make some sort of meaningful contribution to the comedy of someone he likes
Open a sandwich shop that he can afford to run into the ground
Get a fancy, fully stocked, kitchen like they have on TV
Be able to fly to several NBA playoff games first class style, hotel, food, etc.
Have convincing cybersex

Next up, what kind of unusual shit have you fucked? After this!

Carol & Jeff paid good money for these trafficked kids, only to find out the kids are broken. Don’t let this be you. Buy your slightly used kids from Nike!

And we’re back! Ellis will be live on his website at 7PM. Every Monday at 7PM and every Wednesday morning at 8AM. All times are Pacific. So eat a piece of dog shit, you sum bitches! Ellis’ beard is getting really big, it’s grown up right before his eyes. Dingo doesn’t like it, he refuses to kiss a grape from Ellis’ face with that monstrosity. Get this shit. The Spanish town of Fort Kill Jews is set to vote on a name change, the proposed new name? Fort Hill of Jews. Not much of an improvement. Police say a man in Murfreesboro, TN tried to have sex with an ATM and later a picnic table. Wood on wood, that’s a recipe for fire. Tiger & Devin aren’t getting along lately and need some separation time. Ellis woke up with a pee boner. Someone’s watching porn and it’s not an adult. And that is a good segue into the unusual things callers have fucked. In no particular order:

You ready? We’re gonna fuck this Big Mac! No? What about this pickle? Why not? You can’t be so picky!

Prosthetic titties in a dressing room. He came on the titties. Think about that the next time you’re trying on jeans.
A pickle. Yes, the food item. He says it was like a little green pocket pussy. Nothing like a Kosher Dill to get you in the mood!
A Big Mac. A fucking McDonald’s Big Mac. He only did it once though, so it’s cool, right?
A friend’s mom’s underwear. It’s no Big Mac, but it has potential to be pretty gamy. I’m not terrified by this one.
A medical doll. Like the kind you practice medical shit on, putting catheters in, etc. And he finished in it. This guy was a security guard. In other words, a serial rapist / killer in training.

Dingo is totally cool with being nude or having sex in front of people he knows really well. Was this a hint at his willingness to participate in a potential ten-some, or maybe just sit in the dark corner, watching it all go down, and jerking off to it. Bellator 120 fights were this weekend. Does anyone give a shit? How is Bellator even still around? I don’t know, go Google that shit. Speaking of shit, next up is our man on the beat with his ear to the street reporting not live from Street League, Dingo! But first…

Are you raising little shits that think it’s funny to practice CPR on a tube of toothpaste? Great news! Now you can hire Wanda, the meanest bitch this side of hell. She’ll teach them through the ancient art of ridicule and physical punishment. They’ll get to watch nothing but Judge Judy and CSPAN. They’ll eat what they’re given or they’ll starve. By the time your little monkeys are back, they’ll be addressing you as “Lord” or “Lady” and helping to clean the house, even messes they didn’t create! Act now!

And we’re back! Remember when Christian came with the lyrical only version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Ellis put out the call for people to pump that shit in traffic with their windows rolled down and Instagram it? Well it’s going to happen again. But this time, try to really get people to notice and react – but do it nicely. It’s meant to brighten up someone’s day, not a chance for you to be a rude dick. You could win a Wolfknives package and/or a Red Dragons package. And now, over to the extreme sports desk with Dingo. Wait, scratch that – technical difficulties. Wait. No. Scratch that too. Technical difficulties have been fixed. Shit. Wait. No. The audio is not up to Ellis’ standards, it’s not Dingo’s fault, this isn’t his job and he’s not used to this recording stuff. Poor Dingo. He tried and got a lot of people there to give him a minute or two to talk to him for the show. But it just wasn’t cutting the mustard so it was breezed by quickly and cut short. Sorry Dings. Time to talk to callers. Or maybe not. Not unless there’s a guy who had sexual relations with a dead chick. Also, Catheter Ablation, look for the new hit single this summer! I’m just gonna end it here because my daughter has some important shit to tell me about Butterfinger cups. Everyone here at NYA is wishing Ellis the best of luck with his surgery tomorrow and for a speedy, but more importantly, successful and healthy recovery! We’ll have our #1 guy back as soon as possible I’m sure. All hail the king of the west!

Meet Dennis. He’s a dumb motherfucker that doesn’t know how to hotdog. He also probably works for the government. Don’t be a Dennis. Call NYA Tech University today to earn your hotdog degree today!

Dude Am I Slut 2010 With Chris & Wendy

Posted on May 16, 2014 by bitPimps 中

A “Dude, Am I Slut?” segment from 2010, where, Chris reveals she got finger blasted at the bar by her manager, and then banged on the A/C unit outside. Next, Wendy’s husband of 8 years wants her to sleep with her “ex” and wants to watch, she also says her ex has a bigger dick than her husband. Wendy also sounds… familiar. I don’t know.

The real payoff? Ellis and Rawdog want to cum on your shit.

Download (Link to MP3)

Show Recap for Thursday 5/15/2014

Posted on May 15, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Originally I had thought of a great way to open this recap…but that was around 7 hours ago when the show was starting and I was all excited and pumped and now…now it’s 7 hours later and I’ve lost my mojo a bit and am drawing a big, fat, blank after work, going to the super market, making dinner, playing with my kid, and trying to fix my laptop even though I just did all of the updates last week after fixing it and…sigh…it’s hard being a grown up. I never wanted to be one and it happened anyway. Beeteedubs…if anyone wants to donate to the cause of me being able to buy a laptop that actually works…you know where to find me. I’m mostly joking about that. Keep your money. I need to find a way to keep myself from getting so defeated over these stupid little things like laptop problems. Maybe I should get motivating words tattooed on my thumbs like Ellis is planning on doing. And that, ladies and gents, is what I like to call a segue. Boom. So anyway, yeah, Ellis opened up the show talking about how he wants to get the words ‘Faster’ and ‘Stronger’ tattooed on his thumbs because it will help him remember the things that he is trying to accomplish in life and will motivate him to make good decisions in all aspects of his day to day and professional life because it’ll be right in front of his face at all times, son. It’s like when you write stuff down on paper and keep that paper in your pocket to help you remember things, but then he doesn’t ever have to worry about losing the paper because it’ll be on his skin and if he loses his hands, well…he’ll have a whole lot more shit to worry about other than eating too much cheesecake. Did I mention that this whole ‘let’s get something inspirational tattooed on my thumbs’ was motivated by his inability to say no to the cheesecake that Katie brings home at night when she gets home from work? Ellis, as always, wants to be fit and take care of himself and live a long time and be useful, and since he’s getting heart surgery on Tuesday he isn’t going to be able to work out for three months and he’s really going to have to be on top of his diet and can’t sit around being a fat kid and stuffing his mouth with all of the junk food that he wants. So, he’s planning on stopping by Grant Cobb’s house after he goes to Devin’s school open house to get Faster and Stronger writer down his thumbs because he can’t get faster and stronger if he’s constantly reaching for the cheesecake. They talk about this for a while, and jump back and forth between subjects, but for the sake of cohesiveness (and because my brain feels like it is half falling out at this point), I’m gonna recap it all together. Tully brings up that instead of getting reminder notes tattooed on his hands he could always lock the fridge so he doesn’t stumble to it when he’s half asleep and more apt to stuff his face with junk food, and Ellis isn’t super on board with that because, well, how do you lock a fridge? The other problem is sort of that Katie never thinks that Ellis is fat, because technically he isn’t fat, he’s just heavier than he wants to be, and she keeps buying all these yummy goodies for him to eat. Ellis also wants to get in the habit of practicing what he preaches, since he is always telling all of us listeners that we need to take care of ourselves and eat clean and make sure we stick around for a long time, and he doesn’t always follow his own advice. So, while he’s not working out for three months he’s going to really concentrate on eating well and share what he’s doing with all of us and hopefully he’ll make our lives better. I know that, personally, listening to the show always motivates me to make better lifestyle choices and I’m a much healthier person (mind and body) since I started listening to the show 3 years ago. Annnnnnnnd I can’t believe that it’s been three years…it still kind of feels like I just started listening yesterday. That’s how fresh this show always is! Boom.

There was some talk about how Ellis and the kiddies broke the RC cars he got from Ken Block again, that Tully never realized had been broken a first time, but Ellis is kind of pumped on the whole thing because he’s been fixing them himself and he feels like he’s learning stuff about how to work on cars, because, hey, they’re little cars and he’s making them run and swapping out parts, and he and Tiggie do it together, which is super cool and fun. Two of the cars are gas powered and there is one that is battery powered and Ellis seems to be taking parts from the gas ones and swapping them with parts from the battery powered one, and again, he was doing it with Tiger and they had some good father-son time together. So good, in fact, that when Ellis was done making the fixes and changing the tires with tiny allen keys, he was perfectly okay with the fact that the batteries for the one RC car were plugged in at the studio. Which is a bummer and a lot of five year olds would have had a meltdown over it. Hell yeah Baby Ellis!!

On to other things Ellis had a sit down with the guys at Benchmark, which for those of you who somehow don’t know, are the guys who put out the Wolfknives stuff when you sign up to join the wonderful gang, because Ellis wants to expand the line and make some ‘premium’ Wolfknives gear. Apparently the Wolfknives apparel and accessories are doing really well and even hold allure to people who have no idea about The Jason Ellis Show and it’s ties to the leader of the best wolf pack of all time, and even retailers are interested in the Wolfknives line. That’s all very big and exciting news. Tully talks about how he’s always had the idea where he would design his own logo that he could have sewn on to his clothes because he’s a rather plain-clothed man and that way he could always be walking around wearing ‘his’ line of clothes. He’s brought it up to the wifey, since she is all kinds of in the know when it comes to fashion, and she shot that idea down quick letting Tully know that that would cost a lot of money and he’d have a shit ton of logos and he would have to really, really be dedicated to wearing only ‘his’ line for the rest of his life. So, that’s probably not going to happen. Ellis is pretty stoked about the whole Wolfknives thing, and the expansion of the line, because they’re the clothes that he likes to wear and he would have designed them anyway because even if it flopped, he would always wear it, and it’s pretty awesome that there are a bunch of us crazy people who want to wear it all too. Speaking of the Wolfknives, Will comes in and has a list of people who are ready to get their names and Tully has a surprise!!! A fan of the show named Russell, created a Wolfknives Name Generator and sent the program or link or whatever to Tully for them to play around with. And, yeah, just in case you were wondering, No You Are did that, like, ages ago, bro, so, you know, way to be late to the party. Now that the snark is out of the way, the generator actually worked pretty well and was able to name a bunch of people some pretty wonderfully horrible things. So, welcome to the pack Queef Rippington, BoJangles Witherspoon, Fart HorseLog, Statutory Fingering, Dick Clit, Testicle Shadows, Emperor Raccoon, The Spanish Cumrag, Bear Driver, Chunky Gape, Lube Cheetos, Stan-In Bastard, Pissburger LadyBoy, Captain Racist, Predator Magnum, Diablo Tuna, Homo RageButt, and Clit Cheetos. The Name Generator worked pretty well, and there were only a couple of times they hit the refresh button more than once, so, hi five Russell, way to steal our site’s idea. And yeah, I’m joking about that, because I’m pretty sure it’s possible for two people to come up with the idea of a name generator without one party ripping it off another. Just know, that it was done first here ;)

Back from the first break, Ellis informs us that there is to be a new protocol for the ‘Don’t Die’ callers, because The Jason Ellis Show will just not give up on making the idea work, because it will, damn you, it will. So, the new deal is that when it comes time for final calls and don’t dies, Ellis and/or his King- Michael Tully, will inform listeners what the, I guess ‘theme’ is an appropriate word, is for the day. It’s going to go along the lines of a segment that the show did yesterday, where callers called in with the dumbest things that they’ve ever done, but it’s going to change every show. It can be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, the smartest thing you’ve ever done, etc. But, this way, people won’t keep dying when they’re supposed to, you know, not die. Will it work? Hopefully! Did it work today? You’ll have to get to the end of this recap to find out!!! Bwah-hah-ha.

Did you know that dog is not always man’s best friend? Maybe. Probably. I mean…some dogs are assholes, I guess, but no one ever really expects it to be cats. I mean, cats are basically notorious assholes, no matter how many cute videos there are of cats doing weird things. They’re more independent and tend to treat us like their pets instead of acting like they’re our pets. I have a cat. By association. She lives at my house at least, and I have to feed her, and sometimes she likes me and does that sweet, sleepy slow blink of cat love, and other times she glares at me like she wants to eat my unborn babies because I brought a puppy home and she fucking hates him. But anyway, there’s a cat in the news who did something so amazing for her little human boy that he or she is going to be featured in the hoity toity Cat Fancy publication. So what did the cat do? It saved a four year old little boy from being eaten by a neighbor’s dog. That’s pretty fucking hardcore. And no, I can’t post the link because my computer is a piece of shit, and I really apologize for that because while I suck at the whole inserting pictures into the recap thing, I have the link thing down and try not to make you do too much work on your own. If you’re interested…Google is totally a thing. I apologize. Think lovingly of my breasts is that appeases you. They’re fabulous. Also, in the news, Tully informs us that some (allegedly) batshit crazy 31 year old lady calling herself Charity convinced some innocent nice people that she was an abused, 15 year old runaway (a plot ripped straight from Law and Order SVU…no joke…it’s a fantastic episode) who then took her in and put her in the local private High School, where she fooled everybody. It’s not completely clear how the truth about the situation came out, but she had everybody fooled. Even the kids she went to school with couldn’t really believe it when the news broke. Pretty effing insane. I look pretty young, especially according to ladies in the supermarket, but even they peg me at 17 or 18, there’s no way I could pass for a 15 year old. I mean, on top of the fact that I have zero fashion knowledge and suck at using makeup…I have too many tattoos to ever be confused for a 15 year old. You know who also probably can’t pass for a 15 year old? Michael Sam. Yeah, really bad transition, but…it’s almost midnight and I was up at 4:30 and I am using that as my excuse right now. Michael Sam hasn’t done anything crazy, but Tully read a story about him that he found worth mentioning as some food for thought. There is a chance that Michael Sam won’t make the team that drafted him, as the Rams apparently are pretty well set in the position that Sam plays, and he’s just wondering if that is going to cause some trouble down the road for The Rams. He doesn’t think that the team would base their decision on Sam making the team on anything other than his football playing, but he kind of leaves it unsaid that there is the possibility that the media could cause a shit storm of badness speculating that maybe, just maybe, if he doesn’t make the team, it has something to do with his sexual orientation. And I wouldn’t put it pass the media, because they’ll do anything for ratings. But, there’s also no saying that if The Rams don’t put him on the team roster that he won’t wind up playing for another NHL Team.

And all that news talk effectively killed enough time for TJ Lavin to get to the studio along with his buddy Corey of Undaunted Clothing, and they are the guys who are kind of responsible for there being no TJES tomorrow. Yup, sorry to break the news, but Ellis is doing that UTV race this weekend and Friday is one of the days that he has to be there. But, you know, he has to go, because this could be the last race he has before he dies. And, really, if you look at the options, there’s a better chance that this really could be the last race that he ever gets to race, and that’s why you should never blindly trust statistics, because in all likelihood Ellis will be able to race again. Did you follow that? Should I break it down? Let me break it down. There are three options: 1) Ellis will be fine following the surgery and be able to go balls to the wall after his three month heart heal time 2) Ellis could die 3) The surgery could not work and Ellis wouldn’t be able to race because it could throw him into A-fib. Now…statistically, the odds are stacked against him when you take those three into account because 2 of the 3 available options means he could never race again, leaving only one good outcome- 33%. But that’s not really true, as there are other factors within those three categories which put the odds more heavily in his favor for being perfectly fine following the heart surgery, like the fact that there is only a 3% chance he could die, and the success rate for patients whose hearts never have a problem again after the surgery. But, really, don’t bitch about there being no show tomorrow. Yes, it’s sad and shitty, but, Big Daddy J needs to follow his bliss and that’s what we love about him. He’s there for us more often than he’s not by a wide margin. Give him a break.

Anyway, TJ Lavin, right? That dude is pretty awesome and I’m pretty sure he was actually a guest on the show in my beginning stages of writing for this wonderful website and that makes me feel good about him in a nostalgic kind of way. Also, I know who he is because I used to watch the Road Rules/Real World challenge back when it was still called that. He did the Inferno one, which is the only name I remember of them. That show is still around, just called The Challenge, and has been green lit for it’s 16th season. Holy freaking shit. I’m only a decade older than that freaking show. It couldn’t even be my baby. TJ and Corey talk a lot with Ellis about the upcoming race and throughout the interview/appearance/whateveryouwannacallit it really kind of comes out the TJ, although he is going to be in a higher classed race, really has zero experience over Ellis, and that is going to be entertaining as fuck. They laugh a lot, share a lot of memories, make a lot of jokes at each other’s expense, and have a good time. Oh god, I almost said that they talked about Mike Tyson, and that’s what happens when you listen to two shows in one day and don’t write your recap for 7 hours. ugh. That was yesterday. Mike Tyson was yesterday. Today was the race in Lake Elsanor talk. Towards the end of the segment the guys take a Skype call from a guy who super loves TJ Lavin is it. Was. Amazeballs. Why? Because it was some guy in a gimp mask and ball gag wearing assless chaps that made out with posters of Lavin. At one point there was a collective, loud, yelling ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ from all the guys in the studio and that’s when Tully informed us that the caller was wearing assless chaps. It was amazing. TJ Lavin thought the dude was awesome, probably because he was rubbing his nipples while talking to him, and it was a good time. There were some other calls to talk to TJ, and they pale in comparison to how awesome that was. I’m not telling you about them. They are nothing. Even though SPOILER ALERT (ha) it was Cumtard. How do I know that? Christian posted a text conversation he was having with Kevin at the time and Kevin said for Christian to text Jetta because he was currently in a closet or something wearing a Gimp Mask. Still. Fucking Epic. Check out the text on Instagram @Kingtrut if you don’t believe me. I salute you, Cumtard, I love you so hard right now.

Back from the break we are informed by Tully that it is National Peace Officer Memorial Day, and there is some back and forth on wtf a peace officer is. A caller calls in and informs everyone that yes, Police Officers and Sherriff’s are peace officers, but also, you can be one too! All you need is to take a class and they give you a badge and you can get a gun and then you are subjected to the same power and regulation as a law enforcement person. Ellis thinks that he and Tully should take the class and become Peace Officers so they can arrest each other all day long and so Ellis can arrest Katie’s Box any time that he wants. Tully takes the opportunity to inform us all that Kentucky police are still looking for information on the murder of Police Officer Jason Ellis and tells us that if anyone has any information on who is responsible for this horrible crime can email the Kentucky Police at EllisCaseEtips@KY.gov. On the offhand chance that any of you fucks reading this know anything about it, do the right thing.

Christian is in the studio for his signature segment of Stripped Vocals. But not. I mean, he was really there, but he didn’t just strip songs down to the vocals this time around, he stripped down to different parts- guitar, drums, orchestral, etc, to show us just how much there is that goes into making these songs. It was pretty awesome and he played us pieces of greats from Stevie Wonder (the best blind drummer of all time), the Beatles, that song Heard it Through the Grapevine, and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Ellis really likes when Christian does these segments because he feels like it’s helping everyone appreciate music on a deeper level, and it exposes a lot of people to music that they wouldn’t normally listen to or wouldn’t normally appreciate. Christian also played some stripped vocals by request and played Firework and Bohemian Rhapsody and it was awesome. Actually…the most awesome part was when Ellis dared the listeners to crank up the volume on their radios for the stripped Katy Perry vocals and take a video of themselves doing it to send to him because…well…if you’re a listener you know why. It’s kind of awesome to juxtapose the image of the typical Jason Ellis Show listener with the musical stylings of Katy Perry. But you’re a real man, or woman, if you crank that shit. There were a bunch of people who sent in videos of themselves in traffic and gas stations and things like that blasting Katy Perry for the world to see/hear and everyone got a good laugh from it. Hubbs asked me why I didn’t do it, and I responded that 1) we were parked in front of a customer’s house in a quiet neighborhood and the system in the work truck would have probably kept the customer from ever calling us again and 2) seeing me blasting Katy Perry is nothing new, I do it on the reg. If he had been in the truck at the time, other than getting the customer to sign the paperwork, I would have felt more compelled to do it, because he’s a big, beefy tattooed guy and it’s funnier. Despite the fact that on one of our first dates he came rolling up blasting Katy Perry, and when we go out and there’s a DJ he always requests that they play the song and dedicate it to me. Fucking mushy wonderful man I have. He listens to “Girlfriend” by Avril too. Seriously. I went to skip it when it came on my ipod once and he said, “What are you doing? I love that song!” and changed it back. If any of you tell him I said this, eat shit and die. But it’s one of the things I love about him. He listens to a wide variety of music, mostly because he has killer systems in his vehicles and everything sounds amazing, but also because he’s a sexy man beast who is totally secure.

At the end of the show there was some Hollywood News which involved the announcement of Li’l Kim being pregnant and putting up her registry info on the internet thereby inviting everyone with access to the internet to send her gifts, the guy who leaked the Solange/Jay-Z video got fired from his job but made 250k for releasing the video…although the police have been informed of his identity and that may be soon going to legal fees, and Justin Bieber is still a little shit. Does that surprise anyone? Not really. He’s a little shit who runs around with a pack of little shits. Together they are one big, blown out, shit up the back baby diaper.

Time for the don’t die! What’s the theme for today? Don’t die and tell me the gayest thing that you have ever done! Unless you’re gay, no wait, especially if you’re gay!!!! The first guy who called got shot off because he was taking too long, but the second caller, Amy, did not die and she regaled us with her succinct tale of how she and her guy friend had sex with a girl who was on her period, and didn’t tell them, and Amy had gone down on her. Red Dragons, bitch!!!!

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Tully wants to sell silver leather pants to the masses. But not really.

There may be a Wolfknives Canadian Hockey Jersey in the works

Gotta dodge the Age Bullets

Parents are too overprotective of their kids these days

Will started taking Ambien to sleep and hasn’t murdered anyone yet, but his pillow was in the freezer this morning

Newscasters have to pretend that they’re objective, but the News would be way better if they were genuine and just lost their shit like everyone else

It’s scary doing motorsports

TJ Lavin will be driving a Pro Lite in a race and he’s only ever done 10 laps in one

Joe Rogan is too busy to be on TJES, but they still all love each other, and that’s cool

The Beatles are very good

Back in the day music was made for adults to enjoy and now the target audience is children

Ellis needs a nap

Once again there will not be a live show tomorrow, Friday, so enjoy the replay and don’t give Ellis shit about it, he has his heart to worry about and this could be his last race ever.

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/14/2014

Posted on May 14, 2014 by bitPimps 中

No. Yeah! That’s totally art. You did a… umm… good!

Hello my pretties! It’s big daddy bitPimps filling in for that one dude that plays with Triscuits all day long, CrackerStacker6. Time to get it up ya! Everyone got their art on last night (or maybe this morning if you’re name is Jetta), Ellis painted some shit with his dumb fingers, Tully glued some shit with his dumb fingers, Will smoked with his dumb fingers, Jetta stroked his ding-a-ling with his dumb fingers, & Cumtard fingered his dumb butt with his dumb fingers. This is all allegedly of course. Not everybody can produce art, just because you wiped a booger on a wall, doesn’t make you an artist, it makes you a disgusting child. Anyway, everyone did a self-portrait. Tully’s was a collage that featured his cannon dick. Cumtard did a sketch, but of course he’s color blind and used a red pen for part of it. Will drew triangles to represent hair on his chin, even though he has no hair on his chin or shin. Jetta made a little flip book style so the viewer of his masterpiece can change his shoes and such. Ellis painted a Jewish wolfman wearing a yarmulke with a head tattoo. I assume they will be showing these renditions to Justin Bua, an artist that will be on today’s show. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night, and now they want him to do Dr. Drew’s podcast too to fill in for Adam Carolla. All this after he just filled in for Psycho Mike on Loveline. Dude’s been gettin’ busy with Dr. Drew – if you catch my drift. Alec Baldwin was arrested for riding his bike the wrong way, fucking rebel. There was talk about maybe doing a show at night and recording it and playing some time in the morning. This was all talk that including an actual “Ellis Channel” (The Baby?) where Tully could do a night show, Jude could do a show, etc. Sounds like contract negotiations are looking pretty good. You can take a picture with your Wolfknives membership and then tweet the show a song you want in rotation for a day! Everyone discussed possible names for the new channel, it was a real hoot.

Georges St. Pierre AND a Kickboxer remake you say?

The show is looking for a man or woman (let’s face it, it’s gonna be a man) that can build a ramp for Ken Block RC cars to jump 6′ at a low height. Or in other words, 2 bricks and a piece of plywood. Hey, you can see Ellis when he races this weekend on livetrackfeed.com. MMA News, Georges St. Pierre is said to be in a remake of the movie Kickboxer, but he’s not playing JCVD and also nobody cares. Brock Lesnar called Dana White to ask if he would call Pat Barry and tell him to retire. He may also have asked Dana if he could call Bisping to find out where to get a good steak, allegedly. Justin Bua came in bearing a gift, a painting – of something, I’m not sure what it was. Anyway, he’s doing some kind of show for the UFC, he’s been a longtime fan and used to call up Art Davie and pretend to be a reporter just so he could pick his brain. He says that MMA fighting is a lot like art for him, saying, “You and your canvas, one on one.” ~ Kid Rock. He gave a painting to Anderson Silva and it made him cry like a little bitch. So besides being an artist and bringing in a painting, he brought in a bottle of water called “raw water” and swears it tastes better than you know, plain old water water. It’s not his water, it’s just a water he really likes. Did I mention he also makes superfood drink mix stuff called Immortal Machine with some infomercial dude named David Wolfe? Well I just did. Did I mention he’s vegan? Did I also mention he raises his daughter as vegan? Well I just did that too. Go me! He also said Cumtard has a woman-like mouth in real life, as opposed to his self portrait.

Is anyone still reading this? I don’t blame you.

Next up, “What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life?” segment. Callers inundated us with their stories of some of the stupidest things they’ve done. Several were good enough to win themselves some Red Dragons gear. If you get a chance, give it a listen – because I’m not recapping all that, especially about the guy that shot his girlfriend / wife. Total accident. I will tell you about one of them though. Tully was with Cullen, celebrating his birthday. Both got really drunk, Tully went to bed and Cullen ended up having to puke. The next morning, Cullen told Tully about him throwing up, said he went to the bathroom puked, but it was cool because he cleaned it all up. Turns out Cullen passed out on the bathroom floor, Tully’s mom woke up at 5 AM to get ready for work & found Cullen passed out on the floor. Tully’s dad had to carry him to the couch and Tully’s mom cleaned up Cullen’s puke. Tada! In fire news, it sounds like the Four Seasons is on fire in San Diego. I take it you can find some… hot room deals! Or maybe it’s just that someone got… fired! At least it didn’t… spark much debate! HEYOH! I’m sure this is all old news to Wilson and his police scanner.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/13/14

Posted on May 13, 2014 by shit_toboggan

At the end of the world, whose watch was still beating? Who was still sleeping and missed the whole thing? While you were away who crapped on your mistress and rolled on your mattress and smeared up the sheets?!?!?! THE DOGS COULDN’T DO IT!!! THEY LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND DROOLED!!! BUT THE STRANGER WHO BRINGS YOU MILK EVERY WEEK IS DOING THE THINGS OU’D NEVER LET HIM DO!!! Away in a drawer there’s a box that is covered in old pairs of socks in which hides a gun, but it won’t be used so it doesn’t matter, she cleaned up the splatters before you got home! THE DOGS JUST LOOKED IN AND THEY KNOW THAT THE POOP THAT THEY SMELLED ISN’T YOURS!!! THEY’RE MORE HURT CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE MORE FUN TO BE CARELESSLY POOPING INSIDE ON THE FLOOR!!! Ah, yes, I have a song in my heart today folks. If you haven’t checked out Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits after all the times I’ve mentioned them, you are seriously missing the fuck out. So many songs about scat play and fucking your mom and the downfall of human civilization, they really run the entire gammit of being hilarious by exposing what truly is not hilarious about humanity’s many faults and shortcomings. But that’s not what’s important right now, I just wanted to sing about shitting on someone cause the life of an auto shop customer service representative brings about a true understanding of what is wrong with this species that I am occasionally ashamed to be a part of. Fuck all that though, it’s time for the Jason Ellis Show!!! And maybe some lunch too, if that god damn phone would just stop ringing to entice me with business funding or lower credit card processing rates. Today, the show got rolling with a lot of talk of death, cause sometimes that’s just what you can’t help thinking about, but the upswing of this is that if you get a photo taken of you wearing a speedo, that shit will live on for hundreds of years beyond your time, but seriously don’t let that happen. Boardshorts are where it’s at. Unless you got a booty worth showing off, Then you can get as high cut in the rear as you want. Tully was at the pool last night and some uppity fuck who wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, started fucking up pool traffic in the lanes and it was a serious affront to Tully’s personal pool rules, which he made up himself and has never officially made known to anyone. WILSON came into the studio to be harassed about the fact that no one ever sees him swimming at any of the Ellismania live shows, just moping around being creepy and chain smoking, in his high water shorts and black Dickies button-up. The guys suggested that Will should start boosting his cardio with a little pool time so that Cumtard doesn’t gas him out when they fight at EM10. Of course, this being Pendarvis, he was horribly abusive and combative to this idea, while moping and chain smoking and being creepy in his black Dickies button-up and high water shorts (those shins though, my god those majestical shins). Pretty much the only thing that wouldn’t do those shins justice would be a speedo, so the guys suggested he wear an old timey one piece from the 1850s. Tully floated the idea that the Hard Rock should post the odds for the fights when they come to town, but the logistics just wouldn’t work, so if you want to place some money on a particular character at this year’s festivities, just talk to Tully, and be ready to pay or he will throw a McGook baby at you. There was some discussion about who might participate in the ten on one fight that Ellis may or may not be part of, and whether or not they would have them all picked out in advance, or just cherry pick them in the crowd the day before, or maybe make a few of them known but then sort out the other ones on the night of the fights, and really that last one seems the most interesting for all of us fans, but then, seeing a retired Australian skateboarder fight ten people should be a spectacle in and of itself. Jason had another doctors appointment today to get things checked over for his impending heart surgery, and although it’s a pretty routine procedure, there’s no escaping that feeling like something is gonna go wrong when someone cuts you open and fucks around with your heart and lasers, or whatever it is they’re doing. Ellis was on Loveline last night filling in for Psycho Mike, and somehow he couldn’t help but say “shit” right in the first couple minutes. It didn’t slow things down much, just got him a stern warning that things are different when the customer doesn’t pay you directly to spew bullshit out the side of your neck. It reminded Jason and Tully about how difficult it can be sometimes to keep the foul language to yourself when you’re around your kids, cause the majority of society today is like a pack of fucking undereducated children, but also because they both have ACTUAL kids and it’s generally a mark in the “plus” column for you as a parent if your kids don’t sound characters in a Guy Ritchie movie. The guys turned to the more recent Hollywood news to banter about the Jay-Z/Solange ass whooping that occurred recently, and I just gotta say, there’s only one Jay-z song anywhere in my music collection, and when it comes up on shuffle, I usually skip it, even if it is kinda catchy once in a while. That said, I could give less than a fraction of a fuck about this whole thing. Jude stopped by to give his two cents though, and it basically seems like a problem of the one sibling getting more attention cause she actually accomplished something, unlike the one who’s been trying to ride some coattails all the way to fame and success a la the entire Kardashian family. However, there’s always the “go to a foreign country and overthrow something just cause nobody would stop you” route. Beyonce should have stepped in to remind her sister that her parents only kept her cause they didn’t know how pulling out works, and that she should be grateful there were no coat hangers to be found in the whole nine months she was inside mom’s belly. Tully floated the idea that Jay-Z and Beyonce have spoiled their kid beyond the measure of human sanity, and that it might not be anything that Jay-Z would voluntarily do, and that he’s basically only doing it to be nice to his most favorite possession and keep her family off his ass so he can keep parading her around like some sort of “you too can get out of the ghetto and do great things” banner. Jude on the other hand views this as the panultimate bitch move, which I kind of agree with, cause if your wife wouldn’t have your back when her sister tried to throw blows at you, she doesn’t seem like she gives that much of a fuck about supporting your team. The guys all debated whether or not it’s OK to throw blows at people in return when someone else starts it, no matter how one-sided of a fight it might turn into. This turned the conversation towards how badly the Sirius/XM floor of the building needs a ladies touch, just as long as it’s not one of those coattail riding intern bitches that they had a while ago. Some people called in to give their opinion, and much like assholes I try to avoid them unless absolutely necessary. Jude had to step out, as he was dealing with lawyers before and now had to go do his real job, but HE’LL BE BACK!!! The guys took some more calls on men fighting ladies, and it seems like there’s probably a whole lot more layers to this subject than equal opportunity ass whoopings, so the guys decided to take a break and revel in their own awesome talent with a pair of tasty jams from Death!Death!Die!

The guys came back to remind everyone that they can still sign up for the biggest loser fight, and that was the perfect segue to play a video of some lady named Whitney Miller who I guess was a beauty pageant winner or something and now wants to move on to MMA and it looks like she’s got a pretty good chance kicking some serious ass in the ring, if only she could get over that whole “human compassion after seriously injuring someone without intending to” thing. Ellis talked a while about how he’d like to be involved in some sort of fight sport till the end of time, but getting punched in the face is quickly reaching it’s expiration date in terms of how much he cn reasonably be expected to take. He’s also got slightly high cholesterol, as told to him by his doctor, which I think may be that turning point in a person’s life when they start realizing that they are in fact “getting old” and medical science still doesn’t have an insurance plan that covers that. You know what else there’s no cure for? Flatulence. And as Kevin Kraft himself said, pretty much anything with an anus can fart, and that’s why the guys decided to make a game for them to see if they can guess whether the fart noise they’re hearing is from a human or an animal. I doubt there’s much recapping I need to do for this, other than to remind everyone that it’s alright to think farts are funny, unless you’re a girl because we men would like to keep some illusion that you’re not as or more disgusting than we are. That said, I could probably duplicate every sound they played, depending on what I’ve had for lunch on any particular day. Indian food? Very similar to a deer, supple yet forceful, commanding and elegant like a military general from olden times. Thai noodles and curry? Dead ringer for a turtle, you might be thinking slow and steady, but for all the patience they exude, they create thundering turbocharged rice rocket backfires of flatus that would rival any European luxury sports machine. Peanut butter and jelly? Near as makes no difference to a lion, the sound is much the way I make one of these delicacies, sloppy and over far too soon. Pizza? you’d never be able to tell the difference between my colonic outbursts and that of a rabbit. Intermittent, staccato drumbeats of intestinal gasses. One of those delicious Afghani/Mexican infusion burritos from that one place near my work that I love with a true Californian’s love for stupid combinations and Mexican food? You’d call me a liar when I tell you it was mine, cause you’d think it was a dog, short, to the point, but inescapable and deadlier than a gunshot wound to the face. Mac and cheese? The most uncanny resemblance of all time to a donkey, slow and steady, but always delivering the goods, no matter how much work it is to get out. I could go on like this for, probably the rest of the evening, but even I’m getting sick of coming up with double entendres and euphamisms for rectal gaseous expulsions, so I’ll just hang back and let this segment finish so I can write something else…

*ahem*

You want a smoke? I’m gonna go out and have one.

Fuckin’, so how’s stuff with you? Doin’ alright?… Right on, man… Ah, that’s lame, I knew that bitch had to be a runner… OOOhhhhh shit, hahahaha well I guesss the joke’s on her then. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, Larry… At least you got out before that shit turned into your problem, herpes ain’t no joke… good news on the job though, that’s cool… oh, shit, show’s back on, let’s roll in…

After the guys got done examining animal rectum sounds, they moved on to the sweet sounds of Steve Caballero and Salman Aga, but first, SHARK NEWS!!! Some guy ran across a hammerhead shark that was pregnant with a fuckton of baby sharks! But anyways, my keyboard died so I’m typing this out on my phone, so I’ll be cutting down on the big words and overall content. Steve Caballero is a huge deal in skateboarding, and Ellis has known him for a long time, same with Salman Aga, apparently, although I’ve never heard of him before, but they all sat around and talked skating and the glory days and it sounds like we all missed the best times of the sport. Everyone hates rollerblading (as well they should) and Agent Orange still tours, so you can catch Steve smashing a bass next time you decide to go out and rage for a night at your local punk venue. Caballero also has a pizza shop in LA, so check that out if you’re nearby. Jason retold the story of the Australian warped tour when he pissed all over himself and then woke up with sunburned piss covered legs being marched across by a colony of ants, so if you’re a more recent fan, there’s that. There were more stories of the glory days of vert skating and people getting into aerial skateboarding fights, a la west side story. This went on until Steve and Salman had to leave. Good times, good times.

Just as soon as the guys got done kicking cunts, Tully came back with a news story about some kind of shit or another, and they got to talking about TMZ and that rapper who cut his dick off and keeps claiming to be part of the Wu-Tang clan. Metallica played a tiny acoustic show and shat all over a Beatles cover, which was probably a real treat for the few who attended. The crew is gonna take another shot at making proper art like that one time they all had to paint sad titties in the rain. Of course, they needed a new theme to play on, so they got the wheels turning and threw out some ideas like “what Canada means to me” and “interpretive portraits” like a toilet with half a soul for Cumtard. They settled on self portraits and the rest of us will have to stay glued to instagram to see the wonder this is going to be. Donald Sterling keeps fucking up any and every chance he possibly can to redeem himself and this time he’s saying that Magic Johnson needs to stop acting better than people just cause he has AIDS, so shout the fuck out to him. Tully found a sex advice video that just couldn’t go without being shown. This lady gave a clinic on how to fuck a grapefruit (or large naval orange if that’s all you have available) and if you’re really crafty you can blindfold a guy and make him believe you’re sucking his dick, just as long as you make the right terrifying suction noises while avoiding making any real effort to sexually gratify someone. Jason is gonna be racing this weekend at lake Elsinore, so if you’ve got the time, you can check that out. There were some final calls and stuff, they kept it short today, and then they got the fuck out while the going was good.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,