Remember the Speech Jammer bit on the show Thursday? Our esteemed colleague @CrackerStacker6 put the speech jammer and his lyrical skills to the test with “Target Practice” by @CassetteCoast and “Put Your Balls On It” by Death! Death! Die! The results? Fucking golden. Don’t believe me? Listen for yourself.
Thursday’s show brought us a little surprise, a bit with a speech jammer app (aka the Canadian Stroke app) for your phone. Basically, the app delay echos what you hear, making it much more difficult to speak normally and concentrate on what you are saying. This was tested out by everyone on the show by doing their best to hit on Katie.
Jason was pretty much unaffected. Either due to his mouth not being connected to his brain or something else. However you rationalize it, he (as well as Nate Hotdog) were pretty much completely unaffected by it. Tully was for the most part unaffected, but you could hear he fought through it more than Ellis & Nate – and it turned out pretty funny. The rest weren’t so lucky. Jetta, Cumtard, Will, and even Katie (a little bit) were much more affected by the Speech Jammer app.
Speculation could lead you to believe Cumtard was “acting” and it certainly seemed that way. Even Ellis and Tully questioned his routine during this bit. And maybe he embellished a little at first, but as time went on, one can clearly see how he might not have been embellishing at all. Jetta and Will both seemed to be nearly as affected by the app as Kevin. The pinnacle was when the 3 of them decided to hit on each other.
This whole bit could potentially start a monster, so lets listen to it’s birth.
Guys…i seriously leveled up in my bee-killing skills today. I mean..it’s kind of ridiculous. I’m the Bane of all Bees. I have never felt like such a skilled killer in my life (which is probably a good thing, all things considered). But yeah…I kept those bees away from the Hubbs. Who is allergic to them, not a pussy who is scared of bees. Honestly, I don’t know what he did before i became his helper. A lot of running, presumably. Jobs certainly took a lot longer to get done. The reason I bring this up is because work was pretty busy today, so I didn’t get to take as many notes as I normally would have, so forgive me if this isn’t quite as detailed as it usually is. I mean…I have a really great memory (some would call it scary…actually…most people call it scary- both to my face and behind my back) but there was a segment in the show that was so side splittingly hilarious, that aside from causing me near death by simultaneous suffocation and car crash and causing me to nearly wet myself as I cried…it made me forget fucking everything. A lot of it has come back as I backtracked, so I’m not copping out THAT hard, but yeah…it was that funny. Are you excited? You should be. You should also be slightly sad that you missed such a fucking hilarious segment. Good thing there’s this wonderful site where there are wonderful people so devoted to filling you in on all of the awesomeness that you might have missed. And, oh yeah, Boom.
So…getting into it…it’s sunny in LA and it sucks for you if where you are it’s not sunny and it’s raining where you are, then boo for you. But actually, if you’re listening where you are, then you probably aren’t running around out in the rain getting rained on and that’s good. Or maybe…maybe it’s bad. Running around outside in the rain is a pretty wonderful and liberating thing. Who doesn’t want to run around singing in the rain like Gene Kelly? Ellis would like to…Tully, being the Thespian that he is, has actually played Gene Kelly in a stage play in high school where his high school was rich enough to have it rain on him on stage while he sang ‘Singing in the Rain’ so…fuck you, Tully. Oh, and by the way, if you were listening to The Jason Ellis Show while outside in the rain a few hours ago, you should have somehow known to send Ellis a picture of yourself standing in the rain listening to the show. What was I doing? I was standing in the rain killing bees with ninja like reflexes listening to The Jason Ellis Show. I curse my absence of a third appendage which would have enabled me to selfie while all of that was going on. Sigh. Anyway.
They quickly switch from singing and dancing in the rain that only exists in their minds to talking about Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die and The Jason Ellis Show hitting the road and doing a radio and band tour of Canada because Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die seriously rocks and are like, kind of like a real band and stuff, and maybe they should get serious about rocking if they so seriously rock. Yeah. I write sentences like that on purpose because I kind of love/hate all of you. Just kidding. I love you. And I love those kinds of sentences that fall back and forth all over each other and make you have to pay attention to really get. They are like little word orgasms to me. I know. I’m weird. But there are people out there in the music world talking about how awesome Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die is and asking about Labels and all that rot, and yeah, Ellis and Tully need to get serious about the rocking that they already do and make some shit happen with the band and the show. Around this time Christian presumably is lurking in the hallway or the green room or somewhere kind of visible to Ellis, who calls him in to chat, because, THE BAND, MAN.
No. No, no, no. I take it back. This is not when Christian Hand The Band, Man, comes into the picture. Forget I said anything about it. Don’t ask me why I didn’t backspace and delete him from this wordly existence, because that is so completely beside the point. I cued him too early, Christian is still in the wings, for all intents and purposes, you don’t yet know that Christian is even in the building, he’s still waiting for his first appearance of the day. Because, Horse Force. Duh. And fuck you caller who says that Zebras aren’t Horses. Obviously you aren’t really gelling with the whole Force of Horses. Get lost. Call back and apologize when you can wrap your mind around everything that is Horse Force. Tully brings up, and then regrets bringing up, that he was googling around the internets last night and sadly found that HorceForce.com is totally already a thing, but was surprised to discover that HorceForce.gov was still up for grabs. And he and Ellis agree that the .gov is way cooler, because that’s all like, exclusive and shit. It gives Horse Force some serious street cred before people even know that Horse Force doesn’t even need street cred because the Force of the Horse is that bad ass, because…government. That’s legit. Or, really not all that legit, depending on which side of the conspiracy you come down on. Ellis tells the boys in the green room to hop on that HorseForce.gov shit right away, but they can’t do it, so Tully goes out and the Goobers come in. They banter back and forth for a while and there is some dead air, but it is talked about how Hot Dog looks a little healthier today, which might be because he didn’t smoke a lot of weed today and didn’t drink last night. Points come against him though for his Run DMC shirt (which he, himself doesn’t feel like he should be wearing, but he had no other clean clothes) and makes him look fat. That’s what I love about Ellis. He’s gonna tell you what he thinks. Hot Dog is also totally down to tour with The Jason Ellis Show and the band and walk around stage in some ridiculous outfit and contribute to the stage presence, cause that’s just the kind of guy that he is. CumTard and Jetta are also down to do some touring, which is great, because what is TJES these days without these guys behind the scenes, or in the scene that some of us can’t see anyway, getting tortured and doing some form of work? Tully is able to get a hold of HorseForce.org and Will chimes in to say that he grabbed HorseForce.TV as well, and throughout this whole time Ellis is taking lots of phone calls, because he feels like he hasn’t been taking that many phone calls lately.
Now, now is when we can remember that Mr. Christian James Hand, does indeed exist, because Ellis calls him in to talk about band stuff. They talk about band stuff and about Ellismania stuffs (just that he wants it to be bigger and better and maybe twice a year, nothing about exactly when and where it’s happening this year), and they come around to talking about the Village People and which ones were gay and which ones were straight, and oh my God, some of them were straight? To be honest, I didn’t even know that some of them were gay, and I didn’t even realize that there was a biker involved at all…though I might be the only one. It turns out that in the original group, the Cop and the Biker guy were the straight ones, but they probably had to suck a dick at least once to be allowed in. There was some mention by Christian about Rosebudding which I actually had Hubbs grab my notebook and write that word down (at this point I was driving) because although it is rather disturbing, I felt like it was too…odd to be ignored. Rosebudding is a thing, apparently, that involves a girl taking her anus out of her physical fleshy butthole and another girl putting it in her mouth. Yeah…that’s what I said. I mean…I’ve had so much sex that I’ve blown my box out before (which is super uncomfortable and Hubbs felt really bad about but kind of proud of at the same time) and I really can’t imagine the sensation of being a girl with a blown out ass that is being mouth fondled by another girl. I mean…I’m all for butt-play…but I’m not checking the box on this one, some things are a little too extreme, even for me.
**THIS PARAGRAPH IS ENTIRELY SKIPPABLE IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT E-CIGS***
And, just a side note, there was a caller who wanted to call and talk about how bad e-cigs are for you and blahblahblahblahblah and, fuck you, guy. FUCK YOU. I know exactly which articles that you have read that are making you think that, and those articles are gigantic piles of bullshit strung together with half truths and ‘surface facts’ (read- bullshit that has since been disproven) and fuck you for trying to poison Will away from e-cigs and back to cigarettes. Are you being paid by CumTard? Are you his corner guy? Did you bet your girl that she could fuck another dude if Will won the fight and are having second thoughts about it? Why do I care? Because Me, Hubbs, and Mumma R all use E-cig vaporizers that helped us quit smoking e-cigarettes and both Hubbs and I researched the shit out of them. The ‘bad’ ingredient in them that everyone keeps bringing up is propelyne glycol, which is an additive in fucking everything from medicine to food that WE ALL EAT, and yeah, it’s a suspension fluid that is in Anti-Freeze…that makes Anti-Freeze less toxic if you accidentally ingest it. Yes, at one point glycerol was found in one brand of E-cigs from china, which they traced back to a single CONTAMINATED batch that was recalled, and was found in trace amounts. How small of an amount is a trace amount? You would have had to have gone through 750,000 e-cig cartridges in a single day to attain a toxic level. So fuck you. Quitting smoking is not easy. E-cigs have been a fucking godsend to my family. And yes, Tully, they aren’t just non-tobacco…nearly every brand that produces E-liquids for use in vaporizers makes flavors with zero nicotine in them, it’s just flavoring and either the propelyne glycol and vegetable glycerin because the habit of smoking is just as addictive as all those fucking chemicals for the orally fixated, like me. *****END PSA*****
Back from the first break, Tully lets us know that next Friday, one week from tomorrow, the show will be Live from Racers Edge Go-Kart racing track place!!! Woo-hoo. They still aren’t sure if it’s going to be an open to the public G-rated kind of show, or if it’s going to be a full TJES and Ellisfam event where anything goes, but, they will be there and you know it will be fun. Tully then plays a ‘mysterious sound’ which is actually a recording of a sound that is making people go insane. Apparently there is a Hum that can be heard in different parts of the world by a percentage of the population in those areas that once they hear, they can’t unhear, and it makes them lose their minds. It kind of sounds like a diesel engine in the distance rumbling away, and people lose their shit because of it. Ellis calls bullshit on it for a while, and there is talk of government conspiracies and cloud seeding and weather control, but, I think, in the end Ellis understands that it’s not a sound that happens in people’s heads, it’s a real, actual recordable sound that no one has yet been able to explain the source of, or understand why only some people can hear it, and why the people who are being driven insane by it, don’t just fucking move to a place where there is no report of the sound being heard by anyone. I mean…I know that up and moving to another town isn’t the simplest of tasks, but if it’s to keep hold on the last vestiges of sanity that you possess? Hashtag worth it.
Ellis wonders when they can start that really funny segment that I alluded to earlier and the answer is when Katie gets there, but she isn’t there yet, so they can either play the Etsy Game or have CumTard give a shock collar review of 22 Jump Street. They throw it to the listeners to give a call in and vote, and in the meantime Ellis and Tully start talking about Santa for a reason that I just can not remember. But Tully asks Ellis at some point where he thinks Santa came from and whether Santa and Mrs. Claus were ever real people. Oh, and now I remember that this whole Santa conversation began in the realm of bodily functions because Ellis says that Santa poops Cinnamon. Oh god oh god…it started because Tully brought up a picture he posted to Instagram of a doll sold in some (Asian) foreign country (there are a lot of them, give me a break) that is shavable and has hair in places that no human should have that amount of hair. This leads to buttholes with that much hair, and then white butthole hair in that quantity, and Santa. Ellis thinks that Santa and Mrs. Claus used to be real people who lived a superverylong time ago and loved each other and were goodgood people who did good things and when they died at a very very old age in their sleep, at the same time, they got put back into their bodies by magic and turned into Santa and Mrs. Claus and were given a legion of immortal elves to help them do their Christmas stuff. I thought it was a lovely story, so did Tully, but Hubbs was meh on the whole thing because he is The Grinch. It’s why I love him so much, he’s my favorite color. They never get around to taking phone calls for what to do while they are waiting to do the funny segment with Katie when she gets there…and they go to a break.
Back from the break, Katie is in the studio and it is Half Time so feel your boobies! Why should you feel your boobies? Because if you feel a lump, you have to go to the doctor and get that shit taken care of. Katie has a scar on one of her boobs from where she had a lump removed when she was 14, which was not cancerous, but still…see!!! Check your boobs! She also has another scar on that same boob from when she needed to have a chest tube put in when her lung collapsed. So yeah, not only are Katie’s boobs awesome (I have never seen them, personally, but I assume they are awesome because she is and they are a part of her) but they have awesome battle scars!! And now it is time for the super funny segment. Here is the setup. Jetta discovered a phone app called Speech Jammer that works by echoing the noise in the room around you, including your own voice, back through the headphones, which seriously fucks with your thought process when you are trying to speak. Jetta, Hot Dog, CumTard, Will, and Tully are all going to take turns with the headphones and app on and try and hit on Katie. Ellis tries it out first, and it doesn’t bother him, presumably because he doesn’t listen to anything when he’s speaking. It was pretty flawless and impressive, although I did think that it all came out a bit quick as though he were really focusing on just keeping talking so that he wouldn’t get distracted by his own voice. But that’s it, just spoke a bit quick. Hot Dog was also able to talk completely normal and was told to get out of the studio. Will. Oh, Wilson. Wilson, Jetta, and CumTard…they were the absolute worse. I honestly cannot adequately describe what they sounded like talking without being offensive. It was like they were really drunk, really high, really tired, and hallucinating while talking through cotton balls and marbles right after being injected by Novocain by the dentist. Yeah. It totally threw off their cadence, their actual ability to form words…everything. Words got smushed together, words got left out, it was fucking amazing. I wish Hubbs had composure enough to film me trying to listen to this and drive at the same time in rush hour traffic in New York. It’s kind of a miracle we survived the drive to the next job. I was doubled over, unable to breathe from laughing so hard, some ridiculous noise issuing from my mouth that is a laugh I have never heard myself make before, one hand on my chest trying to make sure I was still in fact breathing, squeezing my thighs together trying to not piss myself, WHILE DRIVING. It was fucking amazing. Like, the most amazing amazing. I was dying. Hubbs was dying. It’s amazing we didn’t actually die. I loved it. You, you reading this, need to go to SiriusXM on Demand and fucking listen to it, and the ensuing segment where Jetta and CumTard act out a scene between two Gay guys propositioning each other where Will decides to also throw his hat in the ring. Oh. My. God. Ellis posted a video of it to Instagram and there is the fucking link if you want a 15 second preview. Ohmygod. Radio Magic History Amazingness.
Back from the 3rd break Tully informs us what we all knew, that everyone loved that bit with the Speech Jammer App. And that’s what the app is called. Speech Jammer. Go. Record yourself being a moron on purpose. He also decides to start a conversation with Ellis about how old is the oldest woman he’s ever been attracted to and it evolves into a quick conversation of why older men are deemed more attractive than older women, and it’s probably biological. Why is Tully asking this? Because there’s video going around the internet of a man in his 30’s who is all about banging really old bitches. Like…grandma and great grandma bitches. And God…my google history is a scary place in my search to get links for these things. Ugh. This guy Kyle has always been in to old ladies, has 6 girlfriends over the age of 65 and is 31. One of his girlfriends is 91. Why do I think that this guy is either a psychopath or was abused by a grandmother when he was really little and has severe issues? Am I being a dick? Probably, a little. But…he’s gonna wind up killing these bitches. I mean, seriously, their hearts weren’t meant to have so much sex with such a virile young guy? Why do you think he isn’t in a relationship with just one? Because just one of these old ladies would never be able to keep up with fucking a fucking 30 year old. Ever. But it does make Ellis think that he should start a service called Ellis’ Angels where he hooks up young horny guys with old ladies who want to get boned, because then everyone is a winner, and everyone is having sex, and the world is a better place because of it. And yeah…I’m one of those people who believe that my parents had sex exactly 3 times to conceive each one of us children, and really, it might only be twice because I may be a product of immaculate conception (how else could all of this funny, talented, gorgeousness be explained?). Yeah, I want to fuck myself to the grave, with Hubbs, not actually fucking myself…but that’s different because it’s me, I make the rules, and I’m fucking beautiful and am looking into becoming a vampire so I can be beautiful forever and I don’t have to make sense…because I’m beautiful.
The last segment that I heard before my app got fucked (of course) was a bit called Celebrity Street Fight where Tully, Ellis, and Katie discussed who out of groups of two would win in a street fight. It was funny and I was sad when my app gave me the ‘fuck you’ of doom because I was enjoying it as we drove home (finally! What a long fucking day!). Some of the pairings were Robert Downy Jr and Mr. T, where Mr. T would win because Iron Man is too pretty and Mr. T weighs 500lbs and it’s all heart, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci where Al Pacino would win because, well, do you know who Jo Pesci is? Jason Mamoa and The Rock, where the fight would be so brutal but Mamoa would probably win because, if anything, being a pro-wrestler for a part of his career would work against The Rock because he would instinctively pull his punches and Mamoa throws axes around all day. Justin Timberlake would kick the shit out of Justin Bieber, and so would James Franco, and Jim Carey and basically anyone except for Andy Dick because, Justin Bieber for fuck’s sake. Brad Pitt would knock out Clooney, Statham would destroy Jackman (but, oh my god, sexy!), and my Sirius popped back in for a second during the debate of Ice Cube versus Jay-Z where originally the bets were on Jay-Z, but a caller named Jason was a former bodyguard of Jay-Z’s and turned the tide, and the wave broke when Katie brought up the whole Solange elevator thing, and Ice Cube was declared the winner of that. Like I said, this is where I lost it, unfortunately, but I can’t be all that sad, because of that segment that was so hilarious it was hazardous to my health as well as the health of those driving in traffic around me.
Things we learned on TJES today:
CumTard wants to be Knighted
Jetta+CumTard+Hot Dog= 1/2 Tully
Horse Hoodies on 5yo little girls is pretty next level, and the future of hoodies
Katie is not the Yoko of Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die
Katie has peed in a hot tub in the back of some rockstar dude’s limousine
Ellis wasn’t bothered when a woman took him and his friend away for the weekend and paid for everything
Will’s in charge of lollipops and finances
Ellis wants to make West Coast Candies with real liquor inside and keep the party going all day long
Tully can see older women being more attractive because they’re more confident
Katie is awesome
Hey assholes, glad you got sad and lonely enough to bring yourself before us, yet again to read about the show we probably all listened too just a few short hours ago. HOLY SHIT! You remember when Ellis told us about the car wreck he was in today? Ok, so this is easier if I pretend you listened to nothing. Ellis was in a car wreck today. Nothing major, but some asshole stopped short on him and he bumped him or something and fucked up the Porsche. THE PORSCHE. Anyway, it was determined it was the other dude’s fault, but you know insurance companies, they will ram that deductible dick directly into your dumb ass. Speaking of sentences with too many D’s in it: Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show the other day and they played some clips from it where Ellis licked Anahita Sedaminophen’s box. Not her vagina box, her Brady Bunch/Hollywood Squares box that they put all the talking heads into. She’s gonna be going to Go Karts next Friday too so that should be cool. Ellis had a couple one liners on the show that garnered some positive reviews from people who watch that show. I didn’t watch it because I never remember to DVR it, but you should remember to watch it because he is going to be on there every Tuesday and Thursday as a replacement for that one red head chick. She sucked.
Anyways, Jason and Katie are going camping this weekend to scout out spots that don’t suck so they can bring the kids and not having to worry about the spot being full of suck. Tully went to Trampoline World with the kid. He showed his kid how to bounce off the walls and dunk on a 10 foot rim, but little Linsanity couldn’t have given less of a fuck about his Dad’s assisted prowess. Asshole. Katie is becoming a better kickboxer these days, and Ellis is into it. But he tried to film her yesterday and she jumped his shit because he was distracting her from her work. Which means he may have created a monster. Which may be a bad idea when you think about how she is the kind of chick who incorporates pain into sex, and you are teaching her how to throw kicks and punches professionally. Or, you’re into it. I’m not a real man, do what the fuck you want. Speaking of chicks beating up dudes with boners, Kevin came in and they kind of recapped his torture on Monday at the hands of Skin. He’s got some war wounds and he admitted he was getting really pissed off at the repetitive pain in the same spot. Tully says he could see how if that were happening to him, his initial knee jerk reaction would be to deck her in the face. He wouldn’t do it of course, but ya know….He’d wanna smack a bitch. Kevin and Ellis disagreed, but I’m on board with that. I once broke a cupboard because I bashed my head on the sharp corner and the pain woke up the rage monster.
Kevin broke up with his pornstar girlfriend. He says its because he couldn’t help but get hung up on the porn thing. They realized they were getting serious so that kind of freaked him out. He had to defend himself to Ellis a little bit because Ellis thinks him telling her that it’s because of porn was hurtful and that’s not right. Kevin was up front about his feelings and came right out and said it was his own insecurities and he feels like a dick and he still really likes her. I was leaning more to Kevin’s side at first, because I don’t think I could date a porn chick, but we are talking about a dude who had pot smoke blown up his butt and has had multiple things placed on his balls so he could guess what they are, so he doesn’t really have the moral high ground. Meh, whatever. Kevin seemed pretty bummed out so It feels weird to speculate on shit. Let’s talk about squirrels jacking off.
Squirrels jack off. A lot. And they have their very own special way of doing it by humping the fuck out of a tree. Horses masturbate by rubbing their gigantic horse dicks on the ground and by humping posts. You’ve got to be hard up as hell to hump a post. Horse owners need to get the things a pocket pussy or something. I hear your mom is in talks to have her cavernous twat molded for one that might fight. Oh? Dolphins fuck fish heads which is gangster as all fuck. Dolphins are fucking psychos. But probably most evil of all creatures, Penguins are known to gang rape women(penguins), babies (penguins) and dead bodies(doesn’t matter when they are dead, squishy is squishy).
In a retarded Voltron of news media, Dog/Pot/Cock News included a dog who bit the dick of his owner, and when the cops showed up to the scene, they found a massive hash oil operation which may or may not be legal.
Unsigned bands was pretty uneventful, aside from Ellismania MVP champion of the world, Butterballs sending in a band he hasn’t been in in a while. They sort of sounded like Zebrahead to me, which isn’t an insult from me at all. The overall winner though was a band called The Regulators which sounded like a much more polished Hatebean, singing songs about being “Down by the river”/”Man with a shadow” and if you know nothing about the show, you still know that songs are always better when they happen down by the river.
Tully read off a Cosmo article that basically told women they can stop shaving, burp fart and grow dicks and men won’t notice as long as they give them orgasms. Ellis is a bit of a fruit with some things, but he gave a good lashing to the spirit of which the article was meant. Ladies, if you stop giving a shit about leaving some mystery with your men, then whatever shred of humanity he has left hanging on will disappear. You don’t really want to have farting contests with your dude and then have him go down on you do you? Unless that’s your thing I guess. In which case, please leave me your number in the comments.
Will Pendarvis decided to interview the new exciting intern, Hot Dog, so that the listeners could get to know him a little better. Some of the more exciting points about this riveting young man:
Listen, Pendarvis, maybe the next time you want to interview an intern, you need to leave it to the pros. Or maybe Hot Dog is a boring asshole, but that could be what we love about him.
Jesus Christ, I have to remember to write less notes so I can write less recap. The Don’t Die segment was “What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done to a vehicle” Where we (And apparently somebody that Tully knows was listening and very well may be getting into some shit for saying this on air) learned that Tully was responsible for totaling the family Saturn back in the day. I don’t have much else to add to this, but I wanted it down for the record just in case said person reads this site as well. Hi Mrs. Tully!
We all have our words we say that sound funny. Like Rawdog saying “photographer”. Or you saying “wash”. My adopted father is no exception. Matter of fact, it has become kind of a topic in the past month or two. He really takes full advantage of the beginning part. Doritos. How’d you just say that in your head? Now say it like this: “Dough-ritos” or like this “Door-itos” That’s kind of how Tully says it. You can even catch Ellis trying to say it like that at times. The pronunciation rubs off. Tully is my pretend adopted father, so I’m fully within my rights to tease him on how he says “Doritos”.
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