It’s always good to have people you can depend on, folks. The kind of friends who will tuck your prolapse back in after an aggressive experiment in fisting, or tell you how well a pair of Lululemon’s makes the outline of your balls look. Friends like us at No You Are who will tell you how wonderful/horrifying it can be to fuck your mom, and more importantly, friends like the guys at the Jason Ellis show, who can turn a dog training device into a reason to travel to Vegas and watch a bunch of people get punched in the face. The show started today with talk about how even if you’re in a wheelchair you can still be a sick cunt. You can even go to extremechairing.org and find out how if that’s what you really want to do. Or you can ask yourself why the hell dogs keep eating fresh turds and ponder how fucked up nature is for way too much of a day that could be spent on more productive things. The guys watched a video of Ryan Dungey and some French shithead going through a rhythm section and Dungey unfortunately was not the victor, despite the fact that KTM sucks and French people are fucking lame. But if you were wondering why dogs eat shit, it’s to make up for digestive enzymes that they may be lacking. Rude Jude stopped by to talk baldness and how bad of a driver he is. Ellis caught him shitting all over himself trying to back into his parking space, but Jude swears it’s just a depth perception problem. Nothing like Josh “The Natural” Richmond. However Jude may be getting a chance to put that title to the test whenever Ellis can finish sorting out the logistics of a go kart race for the entire crew. The guys took some calls about moto and who was riding what and how much money Red Bull put down for a shakedown lap on some dirt just to have a place too hang some banners. Jude is getting called to come up to New York more often to try and sort out issues on his show, but if you don’t want to wait for that to happen you can always catch him on the forreallyshow podcast. Jude admitted that he’s not a “man’s man” just for the fact that he’s no good with tools and doesn’t do extreme shit like jumping a flaming dirt bike off a 100 foot cock shaped ramp into a 20 foot plywood cutout of a herpes infected vagina, and things like that. Ellis admits that he’s not too much of one himself, but that Katie probably likes him a lot more for having sweet ass tattoos and being able to correctly punch somebody in the face. But none of that matters if you get attacked by a bear, cause Josh could probably take a marmot, but a mountain lion would be an unmatched rival and a bear would basically have him for a snack. And if you get talk robbed, you’re probably not the most physically superior specimen, but losing a wallet sure beats getting stabbed, especially with today’s rising costs of emergency health care. And it’s probably fair to say that Rawdog wouldn’t be the first to try and protect his girlfriend or tell her not to back down, but he might take a punch in the face for her if the offending person/wild predator looks like a fair match for him. Jason started telling some story about visiting a Tijuana crack house and I forget exactly how it came about but it was something to do with how people don’t fuck with you as much when you’re a stupid friendly hick, even when the people are kind of questionable to start with, like Tijuana crack dealers. Some dude called in claiming to have little man syndrome but it turns out the dude is over six foot tall and is just generally an asshole, but he does know about how most of the population is pretty self absorbed and wouldn’t look twice at you if you were vomiting gold nuggets and sprouting vaginas on every square inch of your body. Then Rawdog told him he was writing checks his ass can’t cash and he started popping off really at nothing for no reason at all and Henry Winkler was mentioned as a possible contender for a back alley knife fight but then they all patched it up. Jaosn had a dream that Katie got eaten by a shark, but since you can do anything in your dreams I’m sure it finished with Ellis riding down a mega ramp on that fucker’s back with a fresh pair of limited edition Globe Sharksies, the new surf/skate crossover shoe. Tully was talking about having nightmares after drinking a Blue Moon before bed and everybody else just had to believe he wasn’t drunk enough to properly turn it off, the way real alcoholics do. Jude hasn’t done ketamine in over a month, but he’s thinking of going back to it because eBay is way more fun with psychoactive animal medications. Jude also hasn’t driven a stick shift in so long that his ass hymen is growing back and he’s feeling like that’s one of those things you should just learn. Josh wants to learn to drive an actual stick, because he’s one of those guys who’s deeply rooted in his fantasies and seems to be having plenty of fun with that so I guess the joke’s on all of us. The guys talked a little more about the fight or flight response and how quickly everyone might surprise themselves one way or the other and either jump on the grenade or hot-potato that fucker right into their newborn child’s stroller. People called in with stories about fucked up dreams from drinking Blue Moon and grizzly bear attacks and tall dudes with short man complexes (AKA lying shitheads who just want a special name for being a cunt satchel). One guy said he fought a bear with a shovel in his garage or some shit but luckily after that the park rangers showed up and hauled the bear off to some different wilderness to keep it from trying to be domesticated. Oh, and fuck possums, we need room for sweatshops. Let’s thrash out to some A7X and see about making that happen.

Hey, when’s the last time you heard some news about crystal meth? Well today, there’s a story circulating about some british dude who was handed a bottle of some sort of fruit drink from his daughter, but when he drank it it ended up being a ruse! It was actually a bottle of liquified meth disguised for some dealer refine and sell at a later time. Apparently, it got mailed to the house but to someone else’s name, and the daughter just held on to it for a few years cause why the hell not? Well, young lady, you don’t do shit like that cause if you’re dad takes a swill of liquid crystal meth, it will not likely quench his thirst, more likely it’ll just kill him. But hey, what a way to go, guzzling $55,000 worth of liquid meth and then exploding all over your adult offspring in your peaceful English home. Speaking of English people, there’s nothing more British than parkour, and what better way to let it milk our prostates than to have Ellis and company film their own parkour videos! It was at this point that I had built up a fuckload of delay on the online player from constantly pausing to answer phones and deal with customers at work, and then had to try and break into a customer’s car for half an hour after I was already supposed to be on my way home, but luckily, the on demand never came up last night, so I couldn’t write about all the details of this experiment in free running (AKA walking with flair), but fortunately for you all, there’s instagram videos from Ellis and company to get the point across of how lame and figure skating-like this sport really is. I’d love to say more about it, but I don’t own enough neon track suits or five-toe shoes to report on it in a way that would do justice to how unlike a French military tactic it really is. That said, there was probably lots of hilarious comments on it and a music break shortly after. And at some point in the show, Lisa Donelly (the female voice of the Triple D) stopped by to hang and chat and share some of her latest music with the boys. She’s a pretty cool lady, if you’ve ever had the chance to meet her, so good for her and everything she’s doing.

Yelawolf stopped by the show today to hang out and chat with the guys. He also brought along his tour manager Bobby Straight-Edge, whose face is riddled with tattoos but in a really awesome way so it’s not like he’s a serial killer or anything. The folks chatted about Bobby Straight-Edge’s head sleeve and being a tour manager for Yelawolf and the many adventures it can bring about, like prison and living two doors over from the Amish in Lancaster, PA. Ellis and Yelawolf talked for a while about music and how Jason never shows up to support, even though he was there at the House of Blues and hung out with him in the green room. If you didn’t catch it recently, Yelawolf did a project with Travis Barker that was pretty successful (and actually decent to listen to) and he’s got a great respect for how Travis bangs the skins. Yelawolf doesn’t make bad decisions with the money he makes from touring and music, like fancy cars and huge homes, but he does put a lot of it down on the booze cause god damn it it’s nice to party like a rock star, especially if you actually are a rock star. Yel’s got all his shit in storage right now cause banks are full of shitheads and won’t let a person with bad credit buy a house in cash, but even if you can’t buy a home you can always skate your balls off then play a show and see if a groupie’s got some free couch space. Seeing as Yelawolf was in studio, it was only fair that he ask about the Wolfknives, so Ellis explained how it used to be a scooter gang until some rat bastard Mongolian pulled out in traffic and fucked his scooter in the ass sideways, but it’s still a sweet ass logo to slap on a T-shirt. Ellis told Yel about his band and how they’ve got a new album coming out but there’s no way that Yelawolf fans are gonna go for a comedy metal opener at his next show. Before he had to take off, Yela gave the boys a copy of his new album and gave a shout out to some of the mixtapes and collabs he’s got in progress/about to come out soon/out now. They played a track and had a nice time breaking down the well cut samples and flowing with the sweet honky rhyme scheme. And lemme go ahead and take back that groupies comment, cause it turns out Yelawolf has a fiance and doesn’t fuck around with hoes, cause they really are an army of drama laden idiots and I can vouch for that, but apparently you’re not supposed to admit that when you’re in the rap game. After that, Death!Death!Die! gave us a taste of their new album by playing us Butt Town, featuring AJ from the Backstreet Boys. After a whole lot of chit chat about the creative process and sound scan and how stupid Jay-Z was for trying to get an album to go platinum before release, that is. But anyway, back to the song, so if you like Backstreet Boys and dick and fart jokes you’d probably love it, or if you like each of those exclusively you have a 70-30 chance of liking it. Or if you’re like me and are shackled to the fuck worthless SiriusXM online player and didn’t get to hear it, you’ll have to go by twitter’s reaction which was generally “how fucking high are all of you idiots that you would actually charge money for this song?” So, seeing as New Music Tuesday may or may not have happened, that’ll have to suffice for my normal hateful music reviews.

There were some elections last week, and you might be shocked to know that the political system is so fucked that now we’re electing convicted felons. Apparently, it’s not enough that Washington D.C. reelected a crack addict 3 times, but Michigan went ahead and voted in a murderer. The guys talked a while about iPhone cases and the sweet stealth battery one that Jason has and how much better it would be if it was made of black marble with an RDS logo in rubies, and still kept the battery from draining out in six hours. And since I was wrong about them playing that song Butt Town, let me retract another statement and just say that I’m probably still gonna load that song on my MP3 player, but I’m almost guaranteed to skip it every time it comes up. Although it was nice to finally hear a musician sing about stuffing their toes in someone’s cunt. And that saxophone hook was everything great about the 80’s smeared in shit and cum. And Rawdog out creeped himself on every line, despite the fact that according to Shoebox he sounds like a goat. So, maybe the rest of the album will take some growing on you except the few tracks we’ve heard that we already do or don’t like. And while we’re talking strange sex, Pakistan is using trannies to go door to door to collect taxes, cause only 1% of the people actually do it, and 100% don’t want to be seen associating with trannies and will gladly pay to keep them from hanging around too long. There was some chatting about using Butt Town to market Butt Water, cause why the tap dancing fuck not? And if you can make a million dollars selling tap water that’s been run down your ass crack then why not throw a giant middle finger at the world and fart in a five gallon cooler tank? And what better use for butt water than demanding your doctor give you a prostate exam? According to Tully, getting a prostate exam will give you the sensation of needing to urinate and defecate all at the same time, but if you do have cancer it will be like the doctor stabbing himself in the hand with a soldering iron. The guys talked about the McRib for a while, cause we Americans are dumb enough to treat this thing like the second coming of Lesus Christ and nobody has gotten wise to the fact that it’s obviously a turd that’s been run through a Play-Doh mold. But hey, at least it’s not as bad as the meatball lasagne pie sub from Subway. The guys took some final calls that were slightly abridged due to the morning replay, but probably not worth listening to anyway cause that’s just how they are a lot of the time, and after that I slowly died on the inside a little cause I had to get back to a life of customer service and fielding asshole telemarketer calls. But on the plus side, it’s payday and I slept like absolute shit last night, and I’m running out of clean socks and underwear, but god damn if it isn’t almost lunchtime and time for another rollicking good episode of TJES in a few minutes. Have a good one folks!

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Ssssssshhhhhhhhh… let’s not turn this rape into a murder…

Now that i have you’re attention, hello! And welcome to the Tuesday recap of the Jason Ellis show. My pancreas is tingling with anticipation. Today, the show kicked off with talk about how thinking is good but you can overdose on it. Especially when you’re a really emotional person and you’ve got a therapist teaching you how to focus your thoughts and all that new age shite. Most of what’s been bugging the Wing lately is some stuff he’s been kind of irresponsible about. Didn’t go into much detail, but if you know him you can take all the guesses you’d like. It was all very melancholy and sounds like Jason may be running himself ragged as he’s known to do from time to time. It’s all due to the fact that he’s constantly got a fight going on in his head over how legit some of his problems are and how much his own mind is making it all seem bigger than it really is (this is all according to Rawdog’s professional psychiatric analysis, and we all know what an expert he is on everything, but this time he sort of actually nailed it). Tully has experienced the same set of feelings and luckily has a super Asian for a wife who explained it all to him. At this point, WILSON decided to kill the mood by highlighting the fact that ARTIE FUCKING LANGE came by to hang out for a while. Right off the bat, the interview started strong and was hilarious as even Artie pointed out that Will is extremely weird to work with even as just a guest, but it’s all those quirks that make him so lovable. The guys talked radio and comedy and all that kind of shit for a while. Artie has a radio show that also gets played on DirecTV and he’s been kicking ass on that for a while. There was some talk about Artie’s health woes and how fun drugs are if you work in show business cause it’s pretty much the only industry other than politics that’ll welcome you back after a multiple year bender. Artie came clean that he and Will are both huge fans of gambling away way more than they should, after Artie told a story about making $140,000 doing standup in Vegas and promptly losing $80,000 of it at the tables and then a bunch more on hookers later that night. Champion, mother fuckers, champion. He explained how when you go to Vegas you can always find a ten thousand dollar hooker and sometimes it won’t be one of the regulars, but just some lady who needs a little extra to top off the rent check. Artie and Stern still talk every so often, but he’s not gonna be back on the Stern show anytime soon cause Howard loves him too much to let him self destruct again with all the hype and pressure. Artie still remembers the time Jason came to the Stern show and had his dick fondled by George Takei. There’s also another book from Artie that’s gonna be coming out soon, perfectly timed to be on sale around the same time as Ellis’ next literary masterpiece, so you can make one run to Barnes & Noble and get all kinds of filth and wisdom without making a second trip. Artie told stories about being in a psych ward and all the hilarity that comes with it, like the roommate who would shit his pants and flip out if anybody tried to help him clean it off, but he would gladly ask for a t-shirt to do it himself. He also spent some time after the psych ward at a resort psych ward and got himself thinking a little better then went to Miami to stay at a country club that also offered drug treatment. It worked pretty well cause he had time to write lots of new material and after his triumphant return to standup, he got the call from DirecTV to put his radio show on TV and BAM! Artie Lange all across your grille. There was more general jaw-jacking and bro-ing down between Ellis and Artie, and Artie is still a funny fucker so it worked really well. And in case you hadn’t heard, yes, Artie got his hooks in a sweet 29 year old and is gonna be getting out of the whoring game for good, cause 46 is too old to be chasing young impressionable women who only want you for a financial transaction (that wasn’t a stab at his fiance, I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady). Also, if you liked Beer League, there’s gonna be another Artie Lange production coming sometime soon, that should certainly trump Dirty Work by several thousand metric tonnes of quality. The guys shared stories and kicked around ideas on stuff for a while longer and it was great to hear everybody doing good this afternoon and Artie is coming back stronger than ever. Lots of funny stuff. Catch it on demand if this recap doesn’t cover enough of it for you, I’ll just go in my dark little corner and cut myself with my frozen tears, you ungrateful fucks.

If you’ve ever gotten pulled over and worried you were gonna get a cavity search, you probably made the grave mistake of clenching your ass cheeks together in fear of a ham fisted cop violating your shit locker. Well, it turns out that that can be grounds for internal reorganization if you live in New Mexico and the cops know which hospital they can take you to to get some crooked medical work done. In particular, this one guy got pulled over for rolling through a stop sign and ended up getting TWO rounds of hands on treatment and TWO medical grade colon flushes, only to reveal that he was not in fact carrying any drugs, he just didn’t step hard enough on the brakes and got a slight case of the jitters that caused him to squeeze his asshole while being harassed by some cops that surely had nothing better to do and wanted to get their jollies at someone else’s expense. And just as these sadistic fucking doctors prepped him for surgery and cut open that chili ring for a 100% thorough look, Attorneys all across the land both jumped for joy and cried tears of horrible defeat because all of this was done on a severely expired temporary search warrant. somehow this brought about the topic of race in movies and how Hollywood was way cooler about putting people in blackface in the 80’s than they would be today, but then again Django Unchained would have probably been put down as the most racist shit ever after Birth Of a Nation. And while we’re on the topic of race, Oakley is making a new line of sunglasses specifically designed to fit Asian people’s heads, and while they do have a certain amount of phlebotomist science to back the new design, it’s probably not something that’s gonna be in huge demand because up until now, nobody I’ve ever met has complained that they’re eyes were “too chinky” for a pair of sunglasses. The guys talked UFC for a bit, Jason is gonna be on the documentary for the 20th anniversary of the organization and if you were already gonna be watching it, then there’s one more face to look for in all the people interviewed about the sport and the phenomenon it has become. There’s also gonna be some new fights too, so get it the fuck up ya and watch a bunch of people beat the shit out of each other. There was some Japanese car TV show going on in the background while the guys were talking about the SEMA show. This reminded Ellis that Ricky Carmichael has some awesome newfangled machine on display there and that somebody on the show needs to start doing G.O.A.T. news, news about Ricky Carmichael, or goats. Ellis was contemplating actually going to SEMA this weekend, but can’t cause he’s going horseback riding with the family. Tully on the other hand, has no problem abandoning his child for a day to go ogle flashy pieces of go fast machinery in Las Vegas. There was more talk about riding horseback and taking up archery and bringing shit back to the days of the white man handing out typhoid blankets in exchange for large tracts of ill gotten land! And of course what more perfect segment to follow that up with than the world premiere of G.O.A.T. NEWS!!! Somewhere in DesMoines, Iowa, a goat got loose and after running across the freeway, wandered into a car dealership and needed a tranquilizer dart in the ass to be brought back to justice, or at the very least, his owner’s house. Around this time, Jason got distracted by an adorable sea otter on the TV and the guys had a nice nature moment watching these noble sea mammals doing their normal day to day routine. And what better way to shatter your perception of reality than to learn that sea otters are known to rape and drown baby seals, and fuck other sea otters so hard that they often kill their mate. Honey badgers of the sea, my friends, honey badgers of the mother fucking sea. Tully had a report in front of him regarding the ratings for the current season of The Ultimate Fighter and lately it hasn’t been doing as good as it has in the past. A lot of it was from when they switched channels, but also probably because to a certain extent people are losing interest in reality TV and other networks are shying away from showing MMA cause if the network can’t make a fuck ton of money off 6 hours of airtime for a game that’s only two and a half hours long, then all it would do is fuck up their profit margin to show a fight that could go 20 minutes, or be over in 3. The guys took some phone calls for a bit, some guy felt guilty for getting a lap dance cause he’s got a wife and kids and shit. Really, the only reason he sort of felt guilty is because the lap dance was good enough to cause a little bit of his soul (AKA jizz) to seep out. But at the core of it, if he would’ve old his wife and she said it was OK, he’d have no reason to feel bad, but he didn’t and now he’s gotta say so or else he’s gonna feel like a creepy asshole. Boone called in to suggest a way for the fans to interact with the show, but like a real way not calling in or chatting with Ellis when he goes live and asks for feedback from the fans. The phone call prompted the idea for a new segment called “Name dropping with the fans” where people can call in and be Sam Rubin for a couple minutes. Rawdog started by telling us about how he met Matt Stone and Trey Parker while his dad was recording something for the first set of South Park DVDs. Tully one-upped that one when he told us how he met Lou Diamond Phillips, just out on the street. Somebody tried to call in and say they met Fred Durst, but that shit doesn’t count cause he’s basically a canned ham with a red baseball cap. But that’s not important right now, cause it’s break time yet again and sometimes music is nice to break things up.

You may remember a little while back that there were rumors of the mayor of Toronto smoking crack. Well… they’re totally true. He just came out and copped to it. Then he shouted “T-DOT, BITCHES!” and dropped the mic. And then Swollen Members said they won’t be supporting is reelection on their next tour, what with Madchild’s new life outlook on staying away from drugs. And then Marion Barry flew up to Toronto to give him a quick fist bump and there was a very shifty looking handshake/bro-hug thing that happened right after. But hey, at least it’s not like he’s a repeat drunk and a fat son of a bitch who might be known for texting and driving! Am I right guys? You’d vote him in again. It’s not like he’d be any worse than most every other shady rapist looking mother fucker that runs for office. Hell, the Hamburglar would probably be a better candidate for most elected positions than some of the repeat offending white collar organ trafficking pro-NAMBLA pieces of shit we’ve had to vote for the last few runs round the track. But hey, that shit is water under someone else’s bridge cause right now we need to go back to the phones and hear about all the celebrity run-ins the fans have had. The first guy said he met Rooftop Escamilla, cause there’s no way Jason could have ever met an action sports athlete. Next was a dude who got invited to Jesse James house after he built him a custom pair of headlights for some project he was building, and he got to hang out with the guy for a couple hours, but he didn’t even offer him a sandwich or a beer or anything. NOT EVEN A FUCKING RED BULL!!! The next guy who called in said he met the one and only Brock “Cock Chest” Lesnar at his brother’s restaurant where they give you your own steak to cook yourself (cause that’s top notch service, going to someone else’s place to cook your own food and pay them to do it). Next was a young lady who, much like Tully, hung out with Lou Diamond Phillips, only this time it was at a Yo-Gabba-Gabba concert, and Lou is a pretty good dude all around. Some guy called in to talk about meeting Bam Margera like Jason couldn’t possibly have ever gotten to rub shoulders with him before. Some guy called in to say he met Green Day, but he can smoke a bag of dicks because I’ve seen Billy Joe’s son’s band and they’re the kids you hated at your high school, but the talent has certainly not been lost in the next generation. The next call that came in was from a guy who met the one and only Kareem Abdul Jabar back when he was a youngster and Kareem was too tall to properly use the bathroom in the mini motel that his uncle owned and he shat all over the wall. There were calls about Bill Paxton, Jeanne Triplehorn (who is allegedly a cunt), Dogg the Bounty Hunter (who may have irritable bowel syndrome), Wee Man, Michael Phelps (who wouldn’t let a handicapped kid use the same public bathroom as him cause that toilet is too good for his shit), Seal (yeah, that Seal) who was cool enough to share a sandwich with a random dude on a ski lift and make porn recommendations, Bruce Willis (who doesn’t know how to gamble but is friendly as hell), Dave Chapelle, Dimebag Darryl, Afroman, Mickey Mantle (who would even shake down a 6 year old for $50 to get an autograph), Shannon Doherty (who cussed out a waiter cause he wouldn’t give her a discount, like the bitch she has always been known to be), Jimmy Fallon, Dexter Holland from the Offspring (who’s been known to have a shitty band and be high on himself like the mayor of Toronto on a $20 rock), Bruce Willis again, Demi Moore, Papa John Schnatter (who tried to fight a guy at a NASCAR race and would have asked his bodyguard to help), Rick Flair, Papa John again (only this time he’s handing out gift cards at the Kentucky Derby), Kid Rock (who still has a little toot every so often), Michael Phelps again (who might have stole/borrowed a super bowl trophy and took a bunch of guys at a restaurant out drinking with Ray Lewis), The Olsen Twins (cause we all still want to fuck them, no matter how evil they are), one more for Papa John (not from somebody who met him, but he’s part of the anti-gay movement), and last but not least, Michael Keaton, who would be awesome as the new Prime Minister of Australia reprising his two most famous roles as Batman and Beetlejuice. Tully found a news story about Richard Simmons who went to a restaurant with 12 friends and no reservation and demanded a table, and after he was seated with his group, he got up on the table and started dancing like a shit head. After the meal, he tried to get out of paying the bill cause FUCK YOU I’M RICHARD SIMMONS. Of course this was after another excursion where him and his friends skipped out on the bar tab at a club the night before. There were more calls about celebrity encounters, like Liam Neeson, Kal Penn, Sergeant Slaughter, Joanna Angel (this mention was from a tweet that I posted about how I met her at a tattoo convention and got her to sign my copy of The Woodsman), Pierce Brosnan, and then the Beatles started playing by accident and we just called it a break cause fuck it why not?

Some metal band has finally come out and said that they are all Beleibers, and that band is Metallica. And deep down, I have to think they’re doing this as a ploy to try and convince him to come to a show and be RIPPED TO FUCKING SHREDS LIKE A PACK OF WOLVES FIGHTING OVER A DEAD ELK!!! But that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. And in case you all forgot what day it is, it’s New Music Tuesday and that means I get to write the most hateful music reviews you’ve ever fucking seen! First up is Eminem’s new one, and I’ve always liked his work and this one was no exception, except that I really don’t care what Rhianna does and she had a guest spot on this track. Then we heard Celine Dion reminding us why even the Canadians hate the French. Next up was Scott Stapp just making sure that Christian rock is never gonna be mainstream cause the shit is just that fucking terrible. After that was he newest from The Melvins and if you like sludgy old punk, these are a few of the guys who are doing all they can to keep it alive. There was a new one from Tech-9 and while I never got that into him, it was a half decent track from what I heard and could be worth checking out the rest of the album for something better. Next was a new one from James Ferraro and with a market massively saturated by abstract R&B indie shit heads, I would like to request that we get a few pop star assassinations in the works to try and thin the herd out a little bit. Stryper dropped a new record and it was a tasty throwback to the days of lead breaks and riffs that usually required a lot of hair metal, only this time with a Christian edge that made Scott Stapp look like a BITCH. Next was a new one from Future and it featured Miley Cyrus and autotune, which are two musical devices that I could not possibly hate any more than I already do unless I caught them raping my mother. After that was the latest from B-Real and the weed has not slowed him down one bit, unlike so many others. Next up was Protest The Hero being all super new metal and shitting all over a craft that used to take years of suffering to perfect, but now only requires two distortion pedals and a lead singer with no real talent. James Blunt had a new one and if he was trying to one-up his last one he should have gone off and overdosed five years ago, cause one-upping “You’re Beautiful” wouldn’t have taken shit other than changing your style to something worth listening to. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week was the new one from M.I.A. and if you like somebody making shitloads of cash off convincing hipsters that this is “world music” and fleecing their college funds of money that would otherwise be spent on vintage cameras and cocaine, then you should get this album. The guys did a few Wolfknives names and took some final calls, and all was right in the world of people being idiots when required to respond to outside stimulus while using a telephone.

Back in my day, I remember that every Christmas, dad would come home and have everyone sit down for a nice family dinner before sending us kids to bed to wait for Santa Claus. One year though, I woke up to use the bathroom and found some big fat fucker in a red suit getting a hummer in the living room from the old man. When I asked what was going on my dad pulled back, let loose a mouthful of jizm and said “You kids are rotten little shits all year round, if you want that new bike you asked for you better turn around and forget what you saw tonight”

Red Dragons, Mother fuckers ,,rr,

Here we are again folks! It feels like it’s been god damn near forever since you and I got to sit down for some magical creepy relative story time about shit you really wish you could unhear, BUT I’M BACK MOTHAFUCKAAAAA AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And y’know who else is back>? My favorite afternoon radio personality, Jason Ellis. And oh, the stories he and the boys have for us today. The show started this afternoon with a little Velvet Underground, in tribute to our fallen friend Lou Reed (just this one time, I won’t make an “I AM THE TABLE!!!” joke about that whole LouTallica debacle, cause he’s dead and that would be fucked up. Gotta wait for the corpse to cool off a little bit) and then a bit of DAVID LEE ROTH REMINDING US THAT SOMETIMES YOU GET A FUCKING SWEET VACATION IN PANAMA IF YOU FUCKING WORK YOUR BALLS OFF FOR IT and then the guys actually started talking. Ellis was immediately impressed with how well the microphones were working, like maybe someone had cleaned them while they were away. It was a feeling very similar to a freshly shaven asshole, as he put it. One thing Jason liked the most about being on vacation was not having to put up with the god damn internet and all the annoying bullshit that comes along with it, but of course there was a rash of Instagram photos like a herpes outbreak as soon as the plane landed. Most of his gripe with the internet is that it’s hard to be negative on twitter when everyone expects you to be such a motivator, but if he were to follow me he would have no problem firing off fifty c-bombs then going silent for a weekend then coming back to it on Monday with a fresh perspective on why humanity is fucked and why that’s OK. Tully has gotten this down to a science that basically states that the more happy you are online, the more of a basket case you are when you don’t have a screen in front of you. Which begs the question, how fucked in the head is Duane “The Rock” Johnson? Rawdog gave us the details of his time off, he went to San Francisco with Karla because she’d never been and they did all the touristy shite that makes all the locals wish that tourists would fucking die slow horrible deaths. And of course when he mentioned how popular the Golden Gate Bridge is for plummeting to one’s own death, the guys started talking suicide and how ridiculous it is that almost everybody immediately says to themselves “FUCK, I shouldn’t have done that” as soon as they jump. Then of course it got darker and they started tossing around ideas on the best way to take yourself out and landed at good old heroin, cause it’s how all the rock stars go out and they always seem to have no more pain after banging a freezer bag full of black tar smack up their veins. Jason said that if he was gonna opt out, he would want to drive a Lamborghini off a cliff, and if there’s some heroin mixed in with the whole errand, well then good on ya. Rawdog told Jason about the low rent hotel that he had to stay at cause that’s what he could afford, which prompted Jason to let us know THAT THE NEW DEATH!DEATH!DIE! ALBUM IS DONE AND WILL BE AVAILABLE SOON! That’s what’s really important, not Josh’s bank account. And none of the songs on it are gonna be the kind of club hits that are gonna be on repeat eleven times in an hour on the dance floor like Niggas in Paris or Walkin’ on Sunshine, it’s gonna be real, authentic music with instruments and everything. Tully was next to give us a rundown on his vacation, but not before calling in Wilson to interrogate him on how he shaved his beard and whether or not there was any sub-par butt judging during their time off. Pendarvis basically just worked on sorting out all the finer things that haven’t been finished up since they moved in to the new studio, but he also got called in for jury duty on a pretty legit assault case involving some Armenian on Armenian violence that did not culminate in a new System Of A Down album. So, back to Tully, while the guys were away, Tully got approved for a new apartment for himself and his geisha and McGook baby. He also went to Cabo and got to wander around in the sun with his freshly toned form after completing the Onnit look good naked challenge. Also, thanks to the workout, Mike T. was able to stroll through the resort and absolutely despise the way everybody else looked because Americans are fat lazy mother fuckers, not counting the one lady who was about 7 months pregnant, she was at least kinda fuckable. Just one more reason, folks, one more reason to get the fuck up and move around a few minutes every day before your knees fall apart and you get tennis elbow from aggressively changing channels, that one reason is that Mike Tully thinks you’re a fuck ugly mook, and I support this belief. But aside from a crowd that looked like a jar of smashed asses, the rest of the vacation sounded like a pretty nice time the way he told it, and there were some really classic white trash t-shirts on every other few people. And the food was respectable and Linsanity got his own kiddie pool most of the time, so everybody got the best they could have hoped for. And when the Tully family got back to the U.S. they went to a pumpkin patch where they ran into Rambo, Glenn Danzig, Usher, Fred Durst, Dave “The Snake” Sabo, Gwyneth Paltrow, The Madden Brothers, MacGuyver, and (these ones are factual not just a joke) Tom Morello and Johnny Knoxville! Lets ponder all that for a bit while Danzig sings us sweet Satanic lullabies…

So, we return to the show now with a bit of the best news we can get, Jews News! Recently, the Hassidic Yeshiva of a famous Jewish school has banned the students from any soy based foods because it may promote gay sex. And I’ll tell you from experience, nothing makes me want a 10 inch cock more than a dash of soy milk in my coffee, especially the stuff from the bottom of the carton cause it’s got the same consistency as all that wonderful cock snot that I’m gonna be working for in the time that I spend waiting for my veggie burger to thaw out. But apparently this guy making weird homophobic rules isn’t new, because a while ago he tried to get same sex handshakes banned cause that’s how patient zero got infected with the queer, and we all know that’s true cause we’ve seen video of it, just like 9/11. It just makes you wonder though, who takes it upon themselves to become so gay that they think they know what the rights of gays should and shouldn’t be? Cause really, to be that preoccupied with what gay people are doing, you just have to be so incredibly fabulously gay that your interior design diploma is laminated and framed in pink plastic. Jason had an interesting talk with some cops about politics and Piers Morgan while they were searching his bag and it turns out that cops will still make you feel like an asshole even while they’re in the middle of making you feel like they’re your buddy. Jason also did some talking about his vacation in PAAAANNNAAAAMMAAAAA DUNT DANT!! DUNT DAANNAAANNTT DANNNNAAANNTTT!! First the plane got delayed out of LAX for like six hours and then there was another flight delay in Panama city and Ellis started getting sick along the way and it was overall a pretty rocky start, but it smoothed out and after powering through the stress cold there was some touring of a bat cave (unfortunately Christian Bale was not available, but Michael Keaton did make an appearance), and some drinking and boat rides and shitty south American dirt weed and alligators and sandy beaches and sketchy drug stores that won’t sell codeine over the counter but you can fill up on Cialis all day and night. One strange thing he noted was that the closer he is to the Caribbean, his boner started working overtime for absolutely no clear reason at all, which might explain why people in the south keep breeding like gerbils but the Japanese have all but sworn off sex as a country. There was also lots of good bonding time with Katie and the two of them are pretty much a power couple at this point, on whatever level of a power couple you can be when you work in radio. Also while Ellis was relaxing, he got a pen and paper and drew up fantastic plans for a new event called EllisManiaCross, a cross-collaboration of moto, football, skating, fire hoses, probably porn cause why the hell not, boxing, and just about every physical challenge there is all together to make one incredible race. It sounds like something I would volunteer for too, even though I’ve never ridden a dirtbike and I flunked every P.E. class I ever took and the last physical challenge I was a part of ended in me smoking a joint full of hair in front of a few thousand people. There was more talk of how sweet it is to be free from distraction and how the tropics are way more peaceful especially with bottle service and how it’s a pretty good feeling when you catch a guy checking out your girlfriend and you shoot him that look that says “Yep, I’m tapping that, but it’s cool if you go back to your room and snap one off thinking about it.” All in all the vacation was good and refreshing and has given Jason a new lease on life, the universe and PatriotGuard.org, as well as not fighting anymore cause the bridge is kind of over for that whole experience, but it’s still great for fitness so there’s gonna be that stuff to hear about. In the meantime, it’s Britney, bitch.

Speaking of Britney, some crazy fuck got isolated audio of a live performance and she can’t reproduce results quite as well outside of the studio. Granted, it’s way more of a workout with all the dancing added, but even a certain amount of natural talent should shine through that. If you were listening to it, you’d think it was an episode of World’s greatest karaoke failures or something. Proof once again that pop stars are a god damn lie and some people should have thrown in the towel a long time ago. BREAKING NEWS courtesy of Wilson Pendarvis, but it’s not actually breaking news it’s just Will coming in the studio and sitting down. The real news is that with the new studio has a system where you can talk to the on air talent without having to run into the studio but Will refuses to use it because then he would risk irrelevancy. But the guys did kick around the idea of how backing tracks should be used in live performances, and whether Death!Death!Die! could make good use of a boys choir on Cunt Kicker. And if you cut your balls off do you think that could get you at east one platinum album? The boys turned to the phones for the first time in the show and like most times, it reminded me why I need a job where I don’t deal with people cause sooner or later, I’ll meet one of the callers, and I will murder them. And people, if you’re gonna be a musician steer clear of the woodwinds cause nobody will fuck you. That’s right, NOBODY will fuck you, not even for money, or crack cocaine. And while we’re on the topic of music it’s NEW MUSIC TUESDAY WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO JUMP RIGHT BACK INTO AFTER TWO WEEKS WITHOUT IT BUT FUCK ME RIGHT IF I HATED IT THAT MUCH I CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!!!!!! Seriously though, I don’t hate Rawdog for this segment, I hate new music. Let’s hear more about things I hate, shall we? First one down the pipe was the new Motorhead single and as much as I like pretty much anything Lemmy does, I’m not much of a blues guy, so this one kind of flew over my head. After that was Katy Perry’s newest and if you ever catch your daughter filming herself getting gangbanged by a college rugby team, go right on ahead and thank Katy Perry for the soundtrack. Next up we got a taste of Arayan (spell check that with a load of my jizz all over your stomach) and for a Queen throwback type of sound, it was not so terrible. One Direction dropped a new single called story of my life, and I might actually like it if in the middle of the second verse, Mike Ness and the boys broke in and kicked the shit out of them and started playing Story of my life in a style and format that a person with some god damn soul might actually want to hear. Next we heard Skye Ferrara regurgitating the same kind of shit you might hear on a laptop commercial while they’re telling you about all the cool music editing capabilities it has. After that we found out that Linkin Park just dropped a remix album, and it’s not remixes of Stone Temple Pilots it’s actually their own work, and while I’m not huge on Linkin Park they’ve brought yet another level to their style that the fans are sure to appreciate. DJ Rashad was the next one we heard and like most DJ’s in his genre, if you’re not trying to score coke and Adderall at an art gallery opening, there’s no reason to be listening to it. Next we got to listen to one of my favorites, Bad Religion, off of their Christmas album, and the proceeds from this album are going to SNAP, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (no joke, Greg Graffin is still the fucking man thirty plus years into the game). And I’m sure we were all surprised to hear that Avril Lavine has a new song featuring Chad Kroeger cause they’re both so gay and lame for each other it’s sickening and like most everything either of them has ever done, I’d like it sent back to a part of Canada where it can be buried and never exhumed. After that was the newest from Metal Church and if we’re talking undiscovered local metal bands these guys started off pretty solid and then kind of lost it with the vocals, but they didn’t go all cookie monster so it may be worth checking out more of them. Kalela (again, spell check, jism, all over yourself) dropped a song that was as remarkably forgettable as the sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Next up was a special jab at Tully’s hatred of the band Live, because their singer Ed Kowalczyk has a solo album and if this is all that’s left of nineties rock, well then it needs to die and never be mentioned again cause WE AIN’T GOIN’ OUT LIKE THAT, BIOTCH!!! Personally, I kind of liked Live, but this shit is unacceptable. After that was a new track from Skeletonwitch, and if you like getting your kidneys stomped in the pit this is the perfect music for it. Last but not least was the new one by the Arcade Fire and like most indie hipster shit it made me want to take a short ride north on Telegraph avenue, just past little Korea town, and hunt down every fixie riding, scarf wearing, horn rim glasses sporting mother fucker and crush their fucking head with a brick. And now that that’s over, lets all take a few minutes to contemplate getting pumped full of heroin and driving a Lamborghini off a cliff.

Tully was really excited to find out that while he was on vacation, a guy who was part of a Mexican drug cartel got murdered by hitmen dressed as clowns! And if there’s one thing that shitty horror movies from the late 70’s/early 80’s have taught me, it’s that clowns are not ever to be trusted. Hell, they were probably behind 9/11, but I’d have to watch the video again to be sure. Rawdog accidentally admitted that at UC Santa Cruz there were a few clowning classes, and Tully surely gave him the same kind of look that J. Edgar Hoover must have given himself every time he looked in the mirror and found himself wearing a dress and feeling fantastic about it. The guys turned to the phones for a bit to field some questions and comments from the general public, such as what’s next in metal, and what supplements you should use if you’re allergic to caffeine, and whether or not people in Alberta are really working in the oil fields or if they just live in holes and skateboard a few months a year when there’s no hockey on TV. Some guy called in to try and defend UC Santa Cruz and got immediately hung up on, and as someone who’s been to Santa Cruz, it’s great if you’ve got career aspirations in pot smoking but if it got washed away by a tsunami everyone would just go out and rent The Lost Boys to remember what it looked like and then never think of it again. Music started playing spontaneously during phone calls and oddly enough it was that Avril/Kroeger song that we were all cumming on just a few minutes ago. Ah, it wouldn’t be the Jason Ellis show without technical difficulties from time to time. Some guy tried to throw down the gauntlet between Ellis and Henry Rollins and apparently he missed that whole thing earlier about how there’s not gonna be any more random fights with people anymore.

When I was but a wee lad, there was a man who used to come to my mom’s house every Friday afternoon. He always left just as dinner time rolled around and left a hundred dollar bill on the table on his way out. One night I asked him if he was going to stay and eat with us and he said “Kid, I would never eat out a whore and I already paid a hundred bucks, I don’t have enough for a family show”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

God damn, folks, it’s great that I don’t have to read this shit out loud to you cause my voice is still thrashed from a four day weekend of chain smoking and yelling at EllisMania. I got a fuck wad of pics and even got to kick it with Ellis, Katie, Butterballs, Crazy Jerr and Cechnicki for a nice Sunday brunch that was only about 2% gay (it bumped up to 5% when Mike Jasper showed up). As well as hanging out with all the other awesome fuckers I saw this weekend, there was a whole bunch of awesome shit going on, so if you missed it you can come on over and tongue my balls and taint before I wash all the Las Vegas off me. In any event, today’s show started with an extra long block of music with song choices that people on twitter were taking way too literally, but when the guys started talking it was Jason and Josh hashing out the shit that went on over the weekend with Karla and the whole spiked drink situation, and it got angry as fuck real fast. It’s a lot to write down, and it’s really easy to get lost in spouting opinion so I’m gonna leave it at this, Rawdog gave his side of it, Ellis gave his side of it, some objective opinions from the rest of the crew were heard and they went to the phones to hear what the fans think (which is sometimes a horrible idea). Then there was some arguing back and forth and Ellis wanted the fighting to stop so he called Karla to squash beef and just have the situation be done with. FREE BIRD!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!

Intermission

We return from break to hear from the only guy who got truly knocked the fuck out this weekend, Mike Jasper! I bro’d down with that guy for a few minutes on Sunday too, he’s a good dude. And a few hundred million people are Googling hemorrhoids, with numbers growing every year. Mike was still kinda punchy from the weekend, where Kit accidentally put his entire psyche on queer street. Mike talked about the whole experience and seeing the replays and twitter photos and how hilarious it was to get knocked out and then start firing off like the wrath of Satan at everybody but the ref. Jason decided to be a generous host and pass the god damn sick cunt of an MVP trophy to Mike for being the most dedicated fighter of the night. The guys all talked about the fights and sparring Ellis’ girlfriend and what a bunch of sick cunts almost all of the fights were (and even though they didn’t say so, I’m sure Mike wants to strangle the fuck out of Sam Rubin and Tara Patrick for the bullshit festival they came out with). Rawdog gave a little rundown on his fight with Nick Swardson and all the bruises from it that he’s got going on right now, which is crazy as fuck cause nobody really expected that from Nick and Josh stayed in it a lot longer than he might have at previous EllisMania’s. Josh even went for a whole bunch of dick punches before Swardson landed all those body shots that finished the job. Ellis interviewed with a guy to be his new manager too, so next year it won’t be such a stress basket of cunt and monkey feces on the production end of things. Of course, all bullshit aside, this EllisMania was one of the best ones yet and everyone involved is thrilled at the outcome. There was plenty more EllisMania talk, cause it did just happen and they want everybody’s take on it. One of the guys that was in the fight with Mike Jasper called in to say thanks for the fun times and general kudos to the crew. Then we had another musical interlude about an Australian gay rights activist.

So there’s a workout supplement on the streets right now called Craze that is essentially a new type of crystal meth. Unfortunately, it’ll also make you stay awake until you hallucinate and suck dick for $5. And of course, what could this conversation lead to other than talking UFC and in particular, Georges St. Pierre. He’s an all around great guy and just about impossible not to like, unless he retires after his next fight, in which case everyone who still wants to see him destroying faces in the octagon will have a fucking tantrum like that one lady on YouTube who ended up getting served with divorce papers cause of how bad she wanted to go to the lake. There was more talk about fighting and getting fit and cutting weight, and a lot of the kind of stuff that we’ve probably all heard a bunch of times now, I’d go into it but I’m still delirious from staying up till 3AM four days in a row in crazy ass Las Vegas air conditioning that dries out my sinuses and leaves a distinctly chapped feeling around my butthole. The guys took phone calls about things and stuff, and that went better than normal. And this season on The Ultimate Fighter, Dana White is gonna be pulling some mafia marketing maneuvers and it’s gonna be some fucking incredible TV. And in breaking “Women, am I right?” news, Katie accidentally let Burger out and some guy called in to the show to let Ellis know that he was gonna put him back in the yard. Long story short, blue balls is the way to win any fight. And if you still wanna try the old way of doing things and eat healthy and shit, there’s an app for that! Yes, you can buy a device to plug into your phone and get all the aromas of wonderful things covered in butter and cheese and chocolate syrup to try and trick yourself into enjoying a nice tasty block of reprocessed Ikea furniture. In my opinion the better idea would be to just eat some god damn food and enjoy that shit cause life is way too short. Try anal, people…….try anal….. Y’know what I’m saying? And how sweet would it be if airplanes had Faction so you could hear Death!Death!Die! screaming “cunt” over the PA? Or even something more radio friendly like Party Bot?

Some old guy is going around saying that he’s had OVER 1,000 SEXUAL PARTNERS!!! The only thing is, only one of them was an actual human being, all the rest were cars. So if you have ever parked in a public garage, it’s entirely possible that your car has been molested by this guy. He also said he fucked a helicopter, which is just gansta as al fuck and if that guy wants to get in touch with me, I’ll do a  reissue of the #TeamShitToboggan T-shirts and send him a couple. Lately though, this guy has settled down with a Volkswagen Beetle (which makes no sense to me because I work in auto repair and the Volkswagen Beetle is the most hateful, vile machine ever created and you’re an anti-semite or a masochist in a really bad way if you own one). Tully came back from that story with more of our favorite segment, teen advice! First up we heard from a young lady who was having concerns because her boyfriend hadn’t called her all summer. Short answer t this is that he’s a teenager, and therefore an idiot, and also h is male, and therefore an idiot, so the best course of action is to bang the entire football team while you’re still young enough to do it without being labeled anything negative like “slut” or “Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.” Next was a rather concerning letter from someone who was not quite sure if they may have become a vampire. Generally, I tend to look for symptoms on this kind of problem, like drinking blood and catching fire when you step inside a church, or having a totally homoerotic love/hate relationship with a werewolf while trying to protect your “girlfriend” AKA “hag” from a violent death that her facial expression genuinely deserves. Somehow the conversation turned to being a boxcar hobo and how it would all be sweet living as an alcoholic troubadour, right up until the aggressive homeless gay sex that inevitably seems to happen in the hobo community (it’s true, I seen it). Next letter we heard was from a young go-getter who is putting way too much effort into being popular and is starting to collapse under the weight of it all. The guys were really helpful on this one, giving all the best recommendations like cutting and pills and anything you can possibly do to mask the pain without sacrificing your integrity. Some kid wanted to know what the best flirty comeback would be when a girl calls you gay and the best response is always to start fisting her vagina AND butthole, or try turning the conversation into some good old fashioned Jew bashing. The guys took puse to reflect on one of the big influences on the kids these days, and that’s music. Now, if you’ve read my music reviews on most new music Tuesdays, you know my opinion of how shitty and stupid most of the crap that kids are being fed is, which is also part of why I hate the god damn kids these days KNOCK OFF THAT GOD DAMN RACKET, I NEED PIECE AND QUIET WHILE I’M WRITING *ahem* sorry, upstairs neighbors, anyway the big point of it all was that there’s not much to really inspire the kids the way it was back in the old days. And almost everything is cobbled together by a bunch of back room mother fuckers who are only putting the tunes together for a paycheck. And the shit that comes out these days doesn’t even have roots you can trace it back to, it pretty much all started right around the end of the nineties when popular music died and it took my local alternative rock station with it (The same station that gave Green Day and Radiohead their big break, now plays Ke$ha three times an hour and still claims to be as great as they always were). Katie swung by to do the Onnit look good naked challenge again, after Tully did his session of it. I gotta say, I was a little whatever about the whole workout radio bit at first, but it really does soundlike audio porn without breaking any FCC regulations, and I do enjoy a bit of porn in my day, so it actually kind of works having Katie make physical exertion noises like something just wonderful is happening somewhere in her midsection. Ellis is still having problems with the local assholes parking in his driveway, as Katie told him about how she had to yell at two dumb mother fuckers that just insisted on using someone else’s driveway like that shit’s available for public consumption. There was a bit of pre-planning for the next EllisMania, including finding a way to get Sam Rubin assassinated in the ring, and finding a fight for the ring girl who let Ellis electrocute her vagina between rounds. Some people called in during all this talk of bacon and fighting and how Katie should be diabetic but instead is just awesome. There were questions about food and how much bacon is not enough bacon, and how as great as bacon is it goes great with avocados and cheese and fucking self hatred and a crippling lack of sex. In case nobody knew, the winning fighters at EllisMania got a charitable donation made in their names. Betsy, the lady handling all the logistics of this, called in to chat with Ellis for a second and apologize for being drunk as all fuck on Friday night. A few other people called in with more of the dumbest questions ever that have cemented my demand for birth control in every public building in America. And France. Because fuck the French. Seriously, if even the Canadians hate you, you’re fucking up hard. There were more calls of generally pointless crap, but there were some thank you’s from the fans for a great weekend. Katie finished out the rest of the workout in what sounded like an angry climax and we all stepped out for a smoke and a drink of water. While that happened, there were more calls about the upcoming wedding of Wilson Pendarvis and Erika Ashley, and what Ellis sounds like when he works out (y’know, for the ladies) to which Ellis responded with an Instagram video of him smashing pads which totally is not as interesting to listen to as Katie doing burpees. Crazy Jerr called in to chat for a bit about how he’s still partying and Pendarvis better step his game up or Erika Ashley is gonna be Erika Crazy Jerr. And then some dude explained the most ripped off ultimate bacon cheeseburger ever, based entirely on a recipe from Grill ‘Em All. Then a half dozen fucktards shat all over the ending of the show and normality was restored in the universe.

In all the talk of things and stuff today, there was one tweet I posted that summed it up quite well and was also pretty funny. It went like this: The non stick coating on my favorite skillet is wearing off, I demand Woody Harrelson apologize to Matt Damon for the Star Wars prequels.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

OMGGGGGZZZZZZ I’M GUNNA SEEEE ABUNCH OB YOU GUISE IN A COUPLE DAYS AT ELLISMANIA 9 LOLOLOLOL JK LMFAO BUT NOT THE BAND CAUSE THOSE GUYS SUCKED! But seriously, I’m excited. Gonna be a great weekend. It’s making my boner for violence and suffering throb with anticipation. So anyways, today’s show started off much like many others with some Metallica and an Australian man yelling stuff about stuff. In particular, yelling about how you gotta remind yourself how good every day really is, even if it’s bullshit, cause if you believe it long enough it’ll come true eventually. There was also some talk about how great it’s been becoming a fighter now that skating isn’t really that good of an option anymore. But even if your first option comes to an end without accomplishing everything you wanted to, you can always get passionate about something else and give that a good solid try. It’s been tough planning this EllisMania too, seeing as there’s no manager to drop the whole project on, so Ellis has been losing sight of what a great time EllisMania can be. But he’s back on the train to have a fucking great weekend. As the event is drawing closer, the guys are all abuzz about it, so that’s most of what the talk was for a while. Planning, logistics, who’s bringing lube, Lil’ Miss Ellis, and such and such. Long story short, if you miss it you might as well put an old tire over your shoulders and set it on fire, cause shit is gonna be poppin’ the fuck off. Tully almost went to the bar where Rawdog’s sister works, but then he read the Yelp reviews and unless you’re paying a whole night for bottle service you ain’t getting a seat, and unless you know somebody, you might as well just stay home (even though nobody there is famous or important). Of course, the Tussin Wolf doesn’t have to worry about nightclub problems, cause he’s gonna be in his room with everybody who gets past the clog in the door to bang the living shit out of him and his girlfriend. Whether he is actually planning it or not, whether he wants it or not, whether he survives Nick Swardson’s blow job or not, Rawdog is gonna be part of a meat pile that would put ancient Greece to shame. And as much as he tries to back pedal on the offer that he placed to make it happen, Tully and Jason are full steam ahead to have him made into an airtight ski pole by anyone who wants to partake. The TV was going in the background and Ellis saw a pelican covered in oil and it gave him the idea that someone should make a car that runs on blood. It would get 3,000 miles to the pint and have enough power to pull a 20ft. boat up the Donner pass.  If anybody out there reading this is into science, I would like to see you make this happen (Even though I’m quite confident that no one reading this is into science). The guys were talking guns for a bit and Rawdog had to get weird and start talking about how absolutely badass it would be to own a musket, and Tully got the notion that it would be even more badass to watch Rawdog try to actually use the thing and gamble on whether or not any spectators of this debacle would survive. Hey, what would you do if marijuana grew human vaginas? Like a pussy flower or something? You’d fuck it, right, cause a garden of pussy is pretty much the American dream, and you can smoke your own cum and nobody would say you’re a creepy mother fucker for stuffing your wad in a gravity bong. Let’s ponder this over some comedy metal ballad about one man’s vision of heaven.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS!  Andy Dick was spotted high as all fuck out on the town the other night, so basically just being Andy Dick. The guys tried calling Andy Dick but might have accidentally hung up while the phone was still ringing, so they thought about calling Dingo instead, but decided it was probably better to just try Andy again. He wasn’t available so Jason left a message, and then called Dingo anyways cause it’s entertaining to hear him talk sometimes. The guys talked about the MVP trophy that was made for EllisMania by one Aaron Hunzinger (ahdidit.com @AHdidit on the twitter) and from all reports, it sounds like the kind of thing I would like to have made for myself. Plus I’ve seen it on Instagram and it kicks the cunt out of every peewee soccer trophy your kids will ever earn. In unfortunate news regarding EllisMania, Madchild isn’t gonna be able to make it because Canadian customs is kind of a bitch and won’t let him out of the country for a weekend to go to Vegas and perform at his friends event, cause it’s not like a musician would have any reason to ever do that or anything. Luckily though, the rest of the weekend will still be awesome and it’s not like Madchild is dead or anything, so you can always keep an eye out for him coming to a spot near you. And you might get to hear a girl trying to sing Primus or possibly Slayer. And maybe some dude is gonna be forced to sing Xanadu in front of a crowd of people too. The guys played around with some questions to ask the Lil Miss Ellis contestants too, like what would you do if you were a part of the Rawdog Fuck Fest 10,000? or Why does Santa Claus hate the Jews so much? Or why do the Jews and Gays all want to bang Santa in the ass and hear about how much he loves it? Some dude called to try and get footage of Rawdog and Karla together and then started talking some dumb shit and got thrown off the air for being a tard. Word of advice kids, your mom’s probably gone ass to mouth and maybe even let somebody piss in her hair. It’s totally possible whether you want to admit it or not, so sometimes the idiocy that you want to let spill out of your mouth needs to just stay where it is. And if the only thing you’re known for is rolling a three paper joint I’VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU MOTHER FUCKER I ROLLED A QUARTER OUNCER IN ONE SHOT AND IT WAS PERFECTLY STRAIGHT FROM END TO END AND WE GOT HIGH AS FUCK but I got no reason to go advertising it cause it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things. There were some more phone calls that were not as stupid as the first two and it redeemed a little bit of my faith in humanity, but not a whole lot, so lets have some Ozzy to remind us all why evil is just fantastic and then regroup.

You’d be amazed to know that most people check their phones about 110 times a day, so roughly 4 times an hour if you stay up for 24 hours straight. But since we all know that smart phones are the new crystal meth, let’s move on to something way more important, like old timey slang words! It should be obvious at this point that Rawdog is doing this whole bunch of stuff, because he’s secretly a Steam-goth who would like things to return to the way it was in Victorian England but with computers and house music. A couple of them were decent, like calling cigarettes gaspers, or an engagement ring a handcuff, but for the most part people have progressed to things that are newer and better like NEW MUSIC TUESDAY! Today, I’ve actually got a bunch of shit to do this afternoon to get ready for EllisMania, so I’m gonna keep this short and just say that pop music really sucks and a lot of the bands you were expecting to hear probably didn’t get played and it’s almost certain nothing debuted today will ever be played on Faction for any reason ever again. If you want to check out some stuff that may be new to you even if it’s not brand new, I recommend Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits, The South Central Skankers, Dear Landlord, Snuff, and Dan P And The Bricks. Just give them a try, if you don’t like anything from any of those guys, I will gladly refund you the $0 you spent having me tell you about them. I completely skipped NMT cause seriously, I can’t stay up late doing this shit tonight. I love you guys, but I gotta pack so that I’m actually wearing clothes when I meet all of you in Vegas on thursday and don’t have a hobo face beard and mad National Geographic style pubes. If you’ve ever seen me hold a recap over till the next morning, it’s cause I’m a terrible procrastinator. Or the on demand replay didn’t get put up till late. Anyways, PANTERA!!! GOOGLY BOO!!! STOP FOCUSING ON MY SHORTCOMINGS!!!

Not really sure what point I came back to the show at cause I was getting fumigated with exhaust and industrial chemicals (allegedly it was on accident), but what I’m gonna pick back up on is that somehow the guys started talking about eagles and trying to compare the kind of predatory shit they do and if Dikembe Mutumbo is a more vicious killing machine, compared to a less black person like LL Cool J or Blair Underwood. The final conclusion is that by today’s standards, the Eagles wouldn’t be able to do much damage, but in the “Hotel California” and “cocaine is not habit forming” days, they could rip a deer’s spine out before the fucker hit the ground. And Rawdog seems to think that a seagull would need to be possessed by some sort of apocalyptic force to be the absolute bastard of the waterfowl world that we all already know that it is. Of course the perfect segue for all this bird talk is to bring up a story about some pro skateboarder trying to stimulate his asshole with a toaster, after Tully found a news story of a guy who got his dick stuck in one over in England. Of course, when you hear a story like this you can’t help but try to play out the logistics of it in your head, and while you’re pondering it, you can listen to Tully and Katie pound out the look good naked workout, providing us great audio of Katie as she may or may not sound during sex (depending how it’s done to her, cause ladies can make different sounds depending how you pound it (I’ve done enough research to know this)). The guy who built the MVP trophy called in to thank Ellis for the shout out and swing his balls just a bit cause why the hell wouldn’t you in a situation like that? There were some more phone calls while the workout was going on and most of it was pretty standard fare, like people not knowing that Ellis is the one answering the phones. One guy called with a real problem, he’s been mixing up painkillers and his kids ADD meds and snorting the mixture up on his free time, and he’s starting to realize that shit’s getting bad and he needs to tell his wife and ask for some help. As it usually goes, Ellis let him know that telling him and the listeners is a good first step, but he’s gonna have to go talk to a professional and be ready to dump all this on his wife and be honest, and that shit may not go exactly how he wants but it’s gonna be better than being a doped out shithead. There were some diet questions and how smoking crack never really seems like a good idea unless you’re already smoking crack and not being a snooping bitch and stealing stuff from your friend’s medicine cabinet and ruining their Christmas party and how going to the gym and having whiskey for dinner gives you the kind of look that men used to have when men were still men. And some other shit. And if anybody’s still using MySpace, and wants to see Ellis’ cock, then you better start betting on Ruediger to win this Saturday cause the gauntlet has been thrown down between Jason and the guys and the stakes are one beautifully artistic frame of Australian shaft on MySpace for one week if Ellis loses. And as the workout is winding down and we all stop looking over our shoulders to make sure management doesn’t catch us grinding out a handful of goo, some more phone calls that were generally forgettable and an insult to Alexander Graham Bell’s legacy, aaaaaaaaanndd BRUCE LEE MUSIC!

As EllisMania draws closer, I am excited to see so many of my old friends and see a bunch of people drunk that I probably wouldn’t hang out with when they’re sober, but we’ll all bro down and watch a gang of dumb mother fuckers throwing shitty haymakers and getting cracked in the head at random by cheap shots from professionals with no actual involvement in the original brawl, as only one event can promise. To one very special reader of this recap, it won’t be the same without you there, you really made my birthday last year. To the rest of you, I still have some Team Shit Toboggan panties that I would really like out of my house before I start feeling any creepier than I already know I am.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,