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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/27/14

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Holy fuck, they should make every weekend a three day weekend. I got so much masturba-…uh, housework done. It was just the free time I needed to soil two huge piles of clean clothes with my seme-…ummm, fold, I meant fold, not soil. I also was able to wash down my grimey ass stove with a layer of hot jizz. Not a typo. No corrections. I busted a can of spray on the stove. Welcome to Oakland, bitch. Anyways, it’s almost that magical time of the day when Faction stops letting shitty pop music get mixed in with their punk, metal and hip-hop, and Jason Ellis takes over to be all Australian and shit. Today’s show got started with talk about how having a huge cock should be something that people admire personally. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a big public thing, but if you happen to get into porn, well then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Dingo was in the studio today, being the Dingo, as he’s known to do. He was at some EDC thing in New York over the weekend and if I cared at all about techno music I would have paid attention. Jude also was hanging out today and the guys talked beards and haircuts and how some proper grooming can take years off of your face. Unless you go for the beard implants, then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Tully broke it all down as an equation of how long people are trying to stay in the cool game nowadays, and how they’re all trying too god damn hard and just cause you know how to make a martini with an egg doesn’t mean your saggy balls are worth anybody’s time. The guys listened to some audio of Dingo talking to Cullen about his attempt last week at doing interviews at Street League for the show and how the audio sucked and Jason was a little too harsh about it. Jason apologized, and explained that @shit_toboggan could see lots of the fans on twitter sounded pretty bored with the whole thing, so it maybe wasn’t as much of a success as he was hoping for. Jude made sure to tell Dingo not to suck so bad at interviewing people and to check his god damn sound levels like he’s got some fucking idea what he’s doing and maybe the second try will be a little better. All joking aside though, Ellis, Jude and Tully shared a few war stories of fucked up remote sessions of years past and how it’s not always the host’s fault. Jude once had a porn star taste test his semen on air and forgot to turn on the microphones, but luckily it was against the rules of radio so #Allegedly it didn’t happen. This made Ellis recant that time he tried drinking his piss to try and be like Leo Machida, and he went into great detail about the distinct tang and self loathing that human urine creates when ingested orally. Jason is still healing from his heart surgery last week. He went to take a piss the other day and his stomach was abnormally swollen and he had bruises all around where the doctors went in through his groin to do stuff to his ticker. Jude let us all know that he’s pretty much perfected his ass washing technique, just gotta get some Irish Spring and a washcloth and don’t let anybody know how deep you fist yourself with that washcloth cause it could jeopardize your career in the hip hop industry. The guys talked for a while about ways to market Junkie Piss Popsicles, and all the different ways you could cross promote other cheap last resort ways to get high, like Syzzurp-sicles. And before we get too far off topic, styrofoam really does hold in the cold better than plastic Solo cups. Tully decided to scroll through Dingo’s Instagram photos to see if they could guess who he knows that drinks a lot of syzzurp, and while Dingo wouldn’t necessarily sell them out, there were some guesses that would certainly be believable to the average man with a decent grasp on pop culture. This was a perfect segue for Jude and Dingo to criticize Jason’s nose and give suggestions on how he should fix his mangled honker. After some discussion of plastic surgery, Ellis started thinking that if hair implants don’t work, it may be time to start investing in wigs. Jude gave his two cents on how people who get laser hair removal around the giblets are probably doing the world a disservice when they get older cause that’s when people are more likely to be inspecting that whole area. But on the plus side, America has won the war against crabs. No, not the ones from New England, I mean the ones that crawl on your nuts and fuck up a perfectly good set of sheets while making you itch so god damn hard you’ll rip your scrotum off if it would just make the pain stop. Jude started getting hot and bothered talking about Princess Leia in her slave outfit at Jabba’s Palace, which is when Ellis broke the news that he’s gonna get a dungeon so that he can consensually sexually abuse people. Dingo completely misunderstood what Jason meant by dungeon and started imagining a place with outside access to order a pizza, DirecTV and an Xbox. Like an in-law cottage or something off the back of someone’s house. Jude remembers one time when he went to a BDSM bar and came across a lady who was unnaturally tall but it turns out she just had a guy who would follow her around and lay down for her to stand on everywhere she went. That said, foreallyshow.com and the new release of Hyena should be out in a few months, so get the fuck on it. Tully tried to drive around the city giving out burgers but all the homeless people were on vacation and also his wife shut him the fuck down. Also, he tried to give one to a gay prostitute but his wife didn’t want a gay Mexican hooker following them home begging for scraps. The guys took some calls and stuff. There was some talk about a Grenade/Wolfknives crossover product of some sort, then Dingo brought up a picture Katie put on Instagram of a fake penis tattoo on her foot that Kelly Osbourne saw. Somebody has been obsessively tweeting a petition to save the rhinos at Ellis and Dingo and the guys talked for a while about how stupid it is to drive an entire species out of existence just cause you think that rhino horn is gonna give you a stronger erection. The guys all aired out the massively overgrown pubes adorning their hippie vags and had an environmental awareness session to remind the human race that it really is our fault for everything, and it’s kind of true except for the few who try to make a difference. Tully found a news story about the guy who invented Soylent (which will surely cause him a lawsuit for plagiarizing the name of the famous Charlton Heston movie) and how it would be good for the world as a whole if more people could climb on board with the whole “drink all of your meals in a slightly semen-like concoction that an overworked programmer came up with because he couldn’t be bothered to go grocery shopping and cook properly” train. Fucking nutrients and shit. Remember when I mentioned Ellis’ swollen stomach? Well apparently he’s also had apocalyptic flatulence for the last few days. Chicken-egg, something like that, but all the same he’s a model rocket engine waiting for a light. While we all laugh to ourselves about other people’s intestinal disfunctions, let’s have some awesome world to remind us that heaven has naked bitches and chocolate everywhere and a pretty sweet ramp.

 

MOTO NEWS YA BEE-YIE-ITCH!!! Some guys rode some dirtbikes at Glen Helen over the weekend, and a good time was had by all. The guys talked about how much people in TV need to maybe give it a rest, like Oprah Winfrey and that god damn Lindsay Lohan show that really doesn’t give any important information or solve any problems or exist for any reason other than existing. Somebody sent in a sweet little RC car ramp for Jason to jump those cars that Ken Block gave him. In particular today, the ramps were used as a testing session for a future wheel of doom loser who would have to lie down the long way between the launch and landing and see if the cars could clear it. With Cumtard being the show’s whipping post for now and probably all time, he was the one to get in the hot seat to see if these miniature machines can fly as hard and far as they are assumed to be able to. After a few rough runs in practice, with coming up short and front flips and smashing the fuck out of Dingo’s knee and all kinds of other mishaps, Kevin finally got in place to make his attempt not to lose a testicle for the show, and in true tard fashion he decided to guard his face instead, but luckily for him the car got right over him with no great catastrophes. The guys talked for a bit about the UFC fights that happened this weekend and that one guy who kept fighting despite his ankle being shattered and not just kept fighting but KICKED SOME FUCKIN’ ASS!!! There was more MMA talk as there tends to be whenever the topic comes up. I went out for dinner last night and wound up watching a few minutes of MMA with some folks over outrageously overpriced burgers and a milkshake that ended up being more calories than I’m used to but absolutely delicious and satisfying at the same time. So there’s that, fighting and red meat. As much as I talk about leaving America, I did partake in two of our oldest pastimes. That said, the guys decided to take a break which was promptly derailed by malfunctioning equipment at SiriusXM in which they fucked up a Beatles song, and a bumper, and then a Machine Head song, but in the end it sorted itself out.

 

HAVE YOU BEEN TO HATEBEAN.COM?!?!?! It basically just links to the one HateBean shirt on Ellis’ website, but before that, you can read some incredible slack-jawed engrish that will surely put a smile on your face. Before you do that though, Doug Benson came by the studio to hang out for a while. They talked accents and how Jason can occasionally turn his off when he needs it and Dingo tried to be an American but it was like a New York Jew from the 23rd layer of hell. Jason told the story of how he was talking to a friend from the motherland and was really shook by just how Australian he was. Doug noticed that there was a box of kleenex, a bottle of purell, and a blu-ray copy of the Korean version of the movie Old Boy, and that brought up the question have you ever jerked off with purell? And if so, how bad does it sting? Dougs answer was yes, and I didn’t start smoking weed till 28 when I was a comic on the road. While Jason was cleaning up the shelf he couldn’t help but notice that there was other weird crap on their like nuts, dental floss, a timer, and all kinds of other chotchkies that apparently didn’t get the memo that there would be no chotchkies in the new studio. The guys talked for a bit about how purell is a steaming load of commercialist fear mongering and how WILSON needs to stop napping on the torture couch and get himself a real apartment, even though he’s never gonna be there cause he works 72 hours a day. The boys talked psychology and how it’s really stupid that there’s a guy who can give you a reference to the guy who’s gonna give you the actual treatment, and how the guy who gives you the treatment could at least pretend to be a little more interested in performing some sort of treatment on another person’s mental state so they don’t have sleepwalking murder episodes. A psychological professional called in to explain the difference between all the psychological professionals and what their different ranks mean and it made enough sense, aside from the fact that no one can figure out which one gets to say when you can stop dumping medication in your face. Doug got called out for being really friendly with the porn community, but still complaining that he’s not getting laid often enough, and he responded by demanding a lie detector test. Basically, he wants his blow jobs to have some feeling behind them, and not just a love of sucking dick or crystal meth or proving someone’s dad right. And fuck what you heard, comedians don’t have groupies. The group basically settled the whole matter by coming up with a game where Doug tears through a slew of hot ladies and the world holds up their hands for for him to high five at his leisure. And if that fails, Bonnie Rotten and Ronda Rousey get to fight for the Benson dick. Or maybe Doug can just plow through a whole bunch of his fans, cause they’re great people in his eyes and he loves hanging out with them, so if they happen to want to blow him, he’s pretty much got the pick of the litter. Doug told a few stories about getting kicked out of hotels for smoking weed in the rooms, and swimming with sharks, and how to cook up the best romantic getaway for him to share a bongload with the victor of the “Win Doug Benson’s Semen” death match that will almost surely be part of EllisMania 10. There was some talk about what celebrities would be best to invite onto Doug’s YouTube show “Getting Doug With High” and there have been some memorable ones, like David Cross and Eric Andre, but some of the suggestions floated were for the likes of Nick Swardson (who probably wouldn’t because he drinks too much to smoke weed) and Joe Rogan (who probably wouldn’t cause he tends to run his own performance more than anything else). The guys took a break so Doug could get some water and Cheetos, then came back with a game for Doug to join in with.

 

Don’t forget, unsigned bands still happens from time to time, and might be happening again soon, so send your shit in to submittoellis@gmail.com and you might get a week of unsolicited airplay between noon and 4PM on a satellite radio station. Someone sent in a burnout video of a guy who had purple smoke tires, which I have seen and they are a hilarious addition to any burnout video or drift compilation. I know Kumho Tire makes red, yellow, and blue, but I haven’t seen the purple ones. There’s a couple other companies that make them too, but only for select wheel sizes, so if you feel like adding to these YouTube sensations of rubber shredding destruction, order yourself a pair and fire up the go-pro. That said, IT’S TIME FOR ELLIS JEOPARDY!!! As is par for the course, it’s hilarious to hear a dyslexic Australian try to describe things for other people to figure out, especially when one of the people is a career pothead and another one is an Australian who always seems a bit off track with what’s going on in his immediate vicinity, unless it’s something radical. Frogs are lubey, Doug wants Bonnie Rotten to taste the golden spray, Tully is a pot smoker bordering on addict levels, Whitney Houston is still dead but was wasted like a mother fucker all the way, Dingo can’t keep his dick out of frogs, Chong is constantly cock-blocking Cheech, Yoda is more grey than green but still pretty green, XXX: State Of The Union would have been impossible cause Ice Cube doesn’t have the arm span to jump off a building and grab a helicopter, The Breakfast Club was a classic but it really did bomb for a good reason before it reached cult classic status, Jaws really didn’t need any sequels but when has that ever stopped Hollywood from letting them happen, Bill Murray has jungle fever, and there were no final calls cause Tony Hawk was live and Jeopardy took the whole final hour. Now go stick it so far up your ass you can blow your nose with it.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/20/14

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Ellis is having his heart surgery today, so it’s a best of.

 

And I went on eBay and ordered myself a new keyboard to replace the one that died on me last week, only to find it would show up just in time for me not to need it.

 

You’re more than welcome to hold your own candlelight vigil or satanic mass in solidarity for our beloved afternoon radio host.

 

I’m gonna get a burrito.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

 

Seriously though, Jason, we’re pulling for you. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/13/14

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At the end of the world, whose watch was still beating? Who was still sleeping and missed the whole thing? While you were away who crapped on your mistress and rolled on your mattress and smeared up the sheets?!?!?! THE DOGS COULDN’T DO IT!!! THEY LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND DROOLED!!! BUT THE STRANGER WHO BRINGS YOU MILK EVERY WEEK IS DOING THE THINGS OU’D NEVER LET HIM DO!!! Away in a drawer there’s a box that is covered in old pairs of socks in which hides a gun, but it won’t be used so it doesn’t matter, she cleaned up the splatters before you got home! THE DOGS JUST LOOKED IN AND THEY KNOW THAT THE POOP THAT THEY SMELLED ISN’T YOURS!!! THEY’RE MORE HURT CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE MORE FUN TO BE CARELESSLY POOPING INSIDE ON THE FLOOR!!! Ah, yes, I have a song in my heart today folks. If you haven’t checked out Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits after all the times I’ve mentioned them, you are seriously missing the fuck out. So many songs about scat play and fucking your mom and the downfall of human civilization, they really run the entire gammit of being hilarious by exposing what truly is not hilarious about humanity’s many faults and shortcomings. But that’s not what’s important right now, I just wanted to sing about shitting on someone cause the life of an auto shop customer service representative brings about a true understanding of what is wrong with this species that I am occasionally ashamed to be a part of. Fuck all that though, it’s time for the Jason Ellis Show!!! And maybe some lunch too, if that god damn phone would just stop ringing to entice me with business funding or lower credit card processing rates. Today, the show got rolling with a lot of talk of death, cause sometimes that’s just what you can’t help thinking about, but the upswing of this is that if you get a photo taken of you wearing a speedo, that shit will live on for hundreds of years beyond your time, but seriously don’t let that happen. Boardshorts are where it’s at. Unless you got a booty worth showing off, Then you can get as high cut in the rear as you want. Tully was at the pool last night and some uppity fuck who wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, started fucking up pool traffic in the lanes and it was a serious affront to Tully’s personal pool rules, which he made up himself and has never officially made known to anyone. WILSON came into the studio to be harassed about the fact that no one ever sees him swimming at any of the Ellismania live shows, just moping around being creepy and chain smoking, in his high water shorts and black Dickies button-up. The guys suggested that Will should start boosting his cardio with a little pool time so that Cumtard doesn’t gas him out when they fight at EM10. Of course, this being Pendarvis, he was horribly abusive and combative to this idea, while moping and chain smoking and being creepy in his black Dickies button-up and high water shorts (those shins though, my god those majestical shins). Pretty much the only thing that wouldn’t do those shins justice would be a speedo, so the guys suggested he wear an old timey one piece from the 1850s. Tully floated the idea that the Hard Rock should post the odds for the fights when they come to town, but the logistics just wouldn’t work, so if you want to place some money on a particular character at this year’s festivities, just talk to Tully, and be ready to pay or he will throw a McGook baby at you. There was some discussion about who might participate in the ten on one fight that Ellis may or may not be part of, and whether or not they would have them all picked out in advance, or just cherry pick them in the crowd the day before, or maybe make a few of them known but then sort out the other ones on the night of the fights, and really that last one seems the most interesting for all of us fans, but then, seeing a retired Australian skateboarder fight ten people should be a spectacle in and of itself. Jason had another doctors appointment today to get things checked over for his impending heart surgery, and although it’s a pretty routine procedure, there’s no escaping that feeling like something is gonna go wrong when someone cuts you open and fucks around with your heart and lasers, or whatever it is they’re doing. Ellis was on Loveline last night filling in for Psycho Mike, and somehow he couldn’t help but say “shit” right in the first couple minutes. It didn’t slow things down much, just got him a stern warning that things are different when the customer doesn’t pay you directly to spew bullshit out the side of your neck. It reminded Jason and Tully about how difficult it can be sometimes to keep the foul language to yourself when you’re around your kids, cause the majority of society today is like a pack of fucking undereducated children, but also because they both have ACTUAL kids and it’s generally a mark in the “plus” column for you as a parent if your kids don’t sound characters in a Guy Ritchie movie. The guys turned to the more recent Hollywood news to banter about the Jay-Z/Solange ass whooping that occurred recently, and I just gotta say, there’s only one Jay-z song anywhere in my music collection, and when it comes up on shuffle, I usually skip it, even if it is kinda catchy once in a while. That said, I could give less than a fraction of a fuck about this whole thing. Jude stopped by to give his two cents though, and it basically seems like a problem of the one sibling getting more attention cause she actually accomplished something, unlike the one who’s been trying to ride some coattails all the way to fame and success a la the entire Kardashian family. However, there’s always the “go to a foreign country and overthrow something just cause nobody would stop you” route. Beyonce should have stepped in to remind her sister that her parents only kept her cause they didn’t know how pulling out works, and that she should be grateful there were no coat hangers to be found in the whole nine months she was inside mom’s belly. Tully floated the idea that Jay-Z and Beyonce have spoiled their kid beyond the measure of human sanity, and that it might not be anything that Jay-Z would voluntarily do, and that he’s basically only doing it to be nice to his most favorite possession and keep her family off his ass so he can keep parading her around like some sort of “you too can get out of the ghetto and do great things” banner. Jude on the other hand views this as the panultimate bitch move, which I kind of agree with, cause if your wife wouldn’t have your back when her sister tried to throw blows at you, she doesn’t seem like she gives that much of a fuck about supporting your team. The guys all debated whether or not it’s OK to throw blows at people in return when someone else starts it, no matter how one-sided of a fight it might turn into. This turned the conversation towards how badly the Sirius/XM floor of the building needs a ladies touch, just as long as it’s not one of those coattail riding intern bitches that they had a while ago. Some people called in to give their opinion, and much like assholes I try to avoid them unless absolutely necessary. Jude had to step out, as he was dealing with lawyers before and now had to go do his real job, but HE’LL BE BACK!!! The guys took some more calls on men fighting ladies, and it seems like there’s probably a whole lot more layers to this subject than equal opportunity ass whoopings, so the guys decided to take a break and revel in their own awesome talent with a pair of tasty jams from Death!Death!Die!

 

The guys came back to remind everyone that they can still sign up for the biggest loser fight, and that was the perfect segue to play a video of some lady named Whitney Miller who I guess was a beauty pageant winner or something and now wants to move on to MMA and it looks like she’s got a pretty good chance kicking some serious ass in the ring, if only she could get over that whole “human compassion after seriously injuring someone without intending to” thing. Ellis talked a while about how he’d like to be involved in some sort of fight sport till the end of time, but getting punched in the face is quickly reaching it’s expiration date in terms of how much he cn reasonably be expected to take. He’s also got slightly high cholesterol, as told to him by his doctor, which I think may be that turning point in a person’s life when they start realizing that they are in fact “getting old” and medical science still doesn’t have an insurance plan that covers that. You know what else there’s no cure for? Flatulence. And as Kevin Kraft himself said, pretty much anything with an anus can fart, and that’s why the guys decided to make a game for them to see if they can guess whether the fart noise they’re hearing is from a human or an animal. I doubt there’s much recapping I need to do for this, other than to remind everyone that it’s alright to think farts are funny, unless you’re a girl because we men would like to keep some illusion that you’re not as or more disgusting than we are. That said, I could probably duplicate every sound they played, depending on what I’ve had for lunch on any particular day. Indian food? Very similar to a deer, supple yet forceful, commanding and elegant like a military general from olden times. Thai noodles and curry? Dead ringer for a turtle, you might be thinking slow and steady, but for all the patience they exude, they create thundering turbocharged rice rocket backfires of flatus that would rival any European luxury sports machine. Peanut butter and jelly? Near as makes no difference to a lion, the sound is much the way I make one of these delicacies, sloppy and over far too soon. Pizza? you’d never be able to tell the difference between my colonic outbursts and that of a rabbit. Intermittent, staccato drumbeats of intestinal gasses. One of those delicious Afghani/Mexican infusion burritos from that one place near my work that I love with a true Californian’s love for stupid combinations and Mexican food? You’d call me a liar when I tell you it was mine, cause you’d think it was a dog, short, to the point, but inescapable and deadlier than a gunshot wound to the face. Mac and cheese? The most uncanny resemblance of all time to a donkey, slow and steady, but always delivering the goods, no matter how much work it is to get out. I could go on like this for, probably the rest of the evening, but even I’m getting sick of coming up with double entendres and euphamisms for rectal gaseous expulsions, so I’ll just hang back and let this segment finish so I can write something else…

 

*ahem*

 

You want a smoke? I’m gonna go out and have one.

 

Fuckin’, so how’s stuff with you? Doin’ alright?… Right on, man… Ah, that’s lame, I knew that bitch had to be a runner… OOOhhhhh shit, hahahaha well I guesss the joke’s on her then. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, Larry… At least you got out before that shit turned into your problem, herpes ain’t no joke… good news on the job though, that’s cool… oh, shit, show’s back on, let’s roll in…

After the guys got done examining animal rectum sounds, they moved on to the sweet sounds of Steve Caballero and Salman Aga, but first, SHARK NEWS!!! Some guy ran across a hammerhead shark that was pregnant with a fuckton of baby sharks! But anyways, my keyboard died so I’m typing this out on my phone, so I’ll be cutting down on the big words and overall content. Steve Caballero is a huge deal in skateboarding, and Ellis has known him for a long time, same with Salman Aga, apparently, although I’ve never heard of him before, but they all sat around and talked skating and the glory days and it sounds like we all missed the best times of the sport. Everyone hates rollerblading (as well they should) and Agent Orange still tours, so you can catch Steve smashing a bass next time you decide to go out and rage for a night at your local punk venue. Caballero also has a pizza shop in LA, so check that out if you’re nearby. Jason retold the story of the Australian warped tour when he pissed all over himself and then woke up with sunburned piss covered legs being marched across by a colony of ants, so if you’re a more recent fan, there’s that. There were more stories of the glory days of vert skating and people getting into aerial skateboarding fights, a la west side story. This went on until Steve and Salman had to leave. Good times, good times.

Just as soon as the guys got done kicking cunts, Tully came back with a news story about some kind of shit or another, and they got to talking about TMZ and that rapper who cut his dick off and keeps claiming to be part of the Wu-Tang clan. Metallica played a tiny acoustic show and shat all over a Beatles cover, which was probably a real treat for the few who attended. The crew is gonna take another shot at making proper art like that one time they all had to paint sad titties in the rain. Of course, they needed a new theme to play on, so they got the wheels turning and threw out some ideas like “what Canada means to me” and “interpretive portraits” like a toilet with half a soul for Cumtard. They settled on self portraits and the rest of us will have to stay glued to instagram to see the wonder this is going to be. Donald Sterling keeps fucking up any and every chance he possibly can to redeem himself and this time he’s saying that Magic Johnson needs to stop acting better than people just cause he has AIDS, so shout the fuck out to him. Tully found a sex advice video that just couldn’t go without being shown. This lady gave a clinic on how to fuck a grapefruit (or large naval orange if that’s all you have available) and if you’re really crafty you can blindfold a guy and make him believe you’re sucking his dick, just as long as you make the right terrifying suction noises while avoiding making any real effort to sexually gratify someone. Jason is gonna be racing this weekend at lake Elsinore, so if you’ve got the time, you can check that out. There were some final calls and stuff, they kept it short today, and then they got the fuck out while the going was good.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/6/14

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Holy fuck, I was so wrapped up in giving the show ideas for the wheel of doom, I almost forgot it was my day to shit all over the keyboard and call it art… I mean, RECAP THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!!! Hey dude-bros and chick-bitches, how’s it goin’? Good? Shut up, I don’t care, cause it’s time for the Wing to break us off some good times to enjoy our respective lunches/drives home to. The show started with a new sound drop from the movie Red Dragon, cause it just needs to be. Also Jude was in studio, and since that’s never a bad time, well then good on ya. The guys talked movies for a quick minute, mostly cause Jude didn’t know about Red Dragon and all the sequels/prequels of the silence of the lambs franchise. Jason wondered if Jodie Foster is one of those lesbians that goes all natural or if she shaves her ass hair, and after some discussion, it was determined that she probably keeps it as clean as all of Southern California. Jude has a habit of dunking ladies faces in his armpit when he’s plowing them so that they get a good whiff of pheremones and remember the experience the next time they cum. Also, Italian guys have been known to wipe a handkerchief under their balls then wear it in their front pocket, as a way of attracting the opposite (or same, cause y’know, Europe) sex. It all revolves around making sure you know how to approach the subject of stank with your loved ones. Some people can take a little constructive criticism, but other people need to be told that you can’t afford to reupholster the couch every time you guys have company just so you’ll stop getting letters from the city about the biohazard living under your roof. This brought the conversation aroound to how everybody’s balls have a different scent, very similar to that of hairless cats, but just as unique as every snowflake. But it could never trump the theoretical horrors that could be lurking in every vagina. Jude told some stories about ladies that he banged, and I kind of missed most of it cause there was pizza in front of me that I had to start processing into poo, but there was banter and it was good. This all stopped for a minute when Tully announced that one of his wife’s friends listens to the show, so let’s keep it clean and not bring up vaginal disgustingness. But fuck all that, cause before Jude runs off, it’s time for Ellis Jeopardy! And some apologies from Jude to Cumtard for staring deep into his girlfriend’s holes on his show yesterday, he didn’t realize it was already claimed. That said, the guys got jeopardy underway and it was hilarious as always cause of Jason’s odd, disjointed descriptions of things, and the hilarious buzzers that each of the contestants get. Jude won, surprisingly enough, but that didn’t deflect from the guys talking about Cumtard’s girlfriend and the Foreally show, which I have listened to every episode of and it is fucking hilarious. The guys talked for a bit about holistic healers and animal whisperers and I can just bisect all of this and tell you that I was hanging out drinking with a “psychic” while she was off the clock, and she admitted that it really is a load of shit. Jason keeps having problems with his Porsche picking up nails in the tires and Porsche trying to sell him new tires like he’s got liquid rubber spilling out of his dick. Let’s all stew on that mental image and listen to a little target practice.

 

So, have you ever taken your kids to the circus? I went years ago, but that’s back when the animals got legitimately beaten and they didn’t have all these obnoxious French people doing synchronized trapeze or some shit. But anyways, the reason this was brought up is because Tully found a video of a bunch of acrobats basically getting dick slapped by Jesus from high up on top of the American Flag while he was polishing off a Big Mac. That’s what you get for doing away with the bearded lady shooting ping pong balls out of her vag. Jason and Tully talked for a while about the best look for a bearded lady, which got a little too complicated for a whole bunch of talk about someone you’re not gonna be trying to wife up. Jason was checking out a house that he might be buying, and him and Katie noticed that the real estate agent had the most ridonkulous booty that either of them had ever seen on such a short, skinny lady. Jason started talking about a movie he saw about some guy who started a cult and got all his followers to commit suicide, much like Jonestown. This prompted the guys to start talking about how to make a really bitchin’ cult that wouldn’t necessarily have to be all about killing yourself or cutting your nuts off so the head of it will let you stay married to your significant other. The guys took some phone calls about cults and how they’re really fucked up and you should avoid them at all costs, especially the ones with lots of members…like Christianity. And then there was some talk about post WW2 economic prosperity and pimps and the later parts of the industrial revolution, it was kind of hard to string together cause work was really slow and that pizza had me falling asleep at my desk (hey, it takes a lot of energy to turn pizza into poo). But it all came around to how the baby boomers were the first generation to be just entitled enough to think they had it made by not conforming and it was a colossal failure cause hippies are stupid, and the next generation which brought punk rock with it were kind of the same, only a lot more nihilistic and anti-everything than pro-everything. Hardcore didn’t like that analogy, and I think Tully might be missing a certain amount of historical context of some of those things, but he brought it all together with the talk they were having about cults and how it’s basically people who have it pretty good who now have the free time to try new shit and cults are just big groups of people on the same wavelength at the same time. Namely, that they should become eunuchs and sell their children for sex to their benevolent leader and then partake in a mass suicide to secure their place on the ass end of an intergalactic semen. However, there’s money and sweet ass orgies to be had in a cult, so Jason and Tully kicked around the idea of starting their own, complete with pole dancing and any kind of wheeled machine that runs on nitromethane that is available for public purchase. There were some phone calls about cults and people who know cult members and such, and it sounds like cults are fucking shitty. Except for all those guys who were walking around with rolls of quarters in their socks, getting ready to go all Charles Bronson on some fuckin’ aliens and joyride a space ship all the way to your anus (not a typo). There were some more phone calls about cults, and Jason is very happy with some beanie that Tully had made for him that sticks to his head like a fresh sheet of grip tape when he hasn’t shaved his dome for a few days. Long story short, let’s just pray to Monster Energy and go skate and destroy. It seems like a much simpler happier way to live. We’ll even let the longboard guys come hang out, cause shredding a pool isn’t for everybody, some people just gotta bomb hills, and there doesn’t have to be any malice between them. Tully floated the idea for a new reality show that would pit the best of the best of your hillbilly militias versus an army special forces unit and see who can win a full force game of paintball. Jason played some bizarre sound effect he had found on YouTube as a way to try and get callers to guess so they could win some free shit, and I can only describe this sound as something similar to your average cartoon vulture fucking your average cartoon elephant, but in fact it was two lynx talking to eachother. Who knew? So, with that out of the way, the guys got back to talking about kicking a bitch in the cunt, in the form of song, and we all took a few minutes to collect ourselves for what would be next.

 

The guys came back and decided it would be a good idea tp introduce themselves properly and respectfully to the newest subscribers of faction, and they did so by playing audio of Jim Jones preaching to his congregation of insane followers. Let’s just say, if it was in German, it would have sounded really similar to another guy from sometime in, oh, I don’t know, the 1930s. Luckily Charles Manson never had that particular silver tongue, he just had to invite people over for orgies with chicks who had crazy STD’s, which in it’s own way is probably the single greatest weapon ever developed. It would seriously minimize a lot of civilian deaths and debilitate a population. Cumtard bought balloons for his girlfriend, so the guys had to take a few minutes to discuss how this is probably the most dateable he’s ever gonna be, so he better make the best of it and get all he can out of the lady he’s smashing right now. Cumtard shat in the hat (poet and I didn’t know it) to get his sample off to the doctor so that they could figure out what the fuck is wrong with him, other than the fact that he’s in his thirties and still watches the original Ninja Turtles and poops in a plastic fireman’s hat to send it to a doctor because he has diarrhea for weeks at a time. The guys couldn’t help but talk about feces for a while after this, cause you really can make all the jokes in the world somehow come back to the topic of bodily waste. In the midst of this, it was discovered that someone rearranged the buttons and the Cumtard butt-chugging buttons were removed, for no clear reason at all, and a witch hunt would need to be performed to find them. In honor of Kevin making his first solid horse chips in several weeks, the guys decided to make him put on a shock collar and huff a bunch of helium to produce some interesting new screams. He also sang his signature tune “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FUCK!!!!! Sk8r BoiAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! AAAAHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” and the townspeople rejoiced. He also did a pretty awesome rendition of “Mother” by Danzig, and the guys put it in the works to have “electric helium guy” be a permanent contestant on the dating game, should they ever decide to do it again. Then Cumtard did an electric helium rendition of “Hits from the bong” by Cypress Hill, and if B-Real heard it, he would laugh, and then probably kick him in the dick just one time, on principle. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the guys put out a call for suggestions for new things to put on the wheel of doom, and they discussed some of the better suggestions, like getting a “YOLO” tattoo in henna somewhere really visible, like the forehead. There was also drinking coffee that was made with Cumtard’s underwear as a filter, chewing a flavored condom and blowing a bubble, eat anchovies while listening to Bon Jovi, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with your dick then eat it, get blindfolded and try to ID everyone’s feet by their own particular stank, memorize the lyrics to a Coldplay song then sing it, Bengay your armpits, toilet spelunking, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause the guys have stuff to do, like MMA news! Junior Dos Santos fucked up his hand and won’t be able to fight in his next bout, so the main event just got a lot lamer for whatever was gonna be happening in Brazil. There was some more drama about this event from the previous main event between Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva, but it’s kind of up in the air what all the details are, so we’ll just skip that until all the facts come in. Plus, I wasn’t paying that close attention and may have gotten one or more of those names wrong. There was more talk about The Ultimate Fighter and whether or not they may be in China, or Brazil, and whether Chung Li or Blanka may be competing in the next season. In better news though, Vitor Belfort is gonna replace testosterone therapy with prayer, cause really, when has that not ever solved any of the world’s problems? The guys kicked around the idea for a cheater league of MMA fighters that would all be on TRT or roids or crystal meth, and I think that would be awesome, like bumfights but it’s people with money. They talked boxing for a while too, cause there was that Mayweather fight this weekend, and that was apparently a big deal to a lot of folks. The guys watched a video of what allegedly happened to Wanderlei Silva in Brazil that might have caused his back injury that took him out of that one fight, and from the outside looking in, I could certainly believe that it’s a lot of drama I wouldn’t want to be a part of.

 

SCIENCE!!! It keeps telling us important shit that some people refuse to believe, because they don’t grasp the concept that just because they don’t like something doesn’t mean that it’s not an absolute proven fact. But in this particular case, what science has found is that there’s an insect where the lady has a penis and the man has a vagina, and they moved to the Castro District of San Francisco and opened a really gay donut shop that has great krullers, but you will have to try and evade a guy in short shorts and roller skates trying to get your number. This brought up the question of what if this was the way it was all across humanity, and it might be cool for a “Freaky Friday” kind of movie, but it would probably get old, or weird, in a relatively short amount of time, cause if there’s one thing Craigslist has taught me, it’s that people are getting really restless when it comes to new things to try sexually. Of course, the question had to come up, what would porn be like if the organs were reversed? Would guys want to see ladies with 19 inch inverted uteri? Or would we want something a little more reasonable, like ladies generally do? And would guys get PMS? Would we lose the ability to parallel park and get ready to leave the house in five minutes or less? What about that whole “$0.70 on the dollar” thing that’s been keeping me from starving to death for the last 12 years? Would the “Women, Am I Right?” segment all of a sudden become way less interesting cause guys are the ones flipping out and throwing shovels at people? Would “The View” turn from a morning stitch and bitch into a sensible news program? WOULD THE WORD BITCH STILL RETAIN IT’S WONDERFUL ENTERTAINING DEFINITION IN THE MIRRIAM-WEBSTER ENGLISH DICTIONARY?!?!!?!!?! Tully is definitely more concerned about this than anybody, cause Linsanity has recently started having bad dreams and being scared of the dark, to which I would advise him to play Iron Maiden’s “Fear Of The Dark” over and over and over until Linsanity learns to enjoy the darkness, cause it’s necessary for Satanic rituals and criminal activity. Some parents got ornery with a flight attendant cause she was trying to get their daughter, who was getting pounded out in the bathroom, to calm down cause other people couldn’t hear the in flight safety instructions. But hey, what would have happened if she was the one with the dick smashing out some guys man-vag? WOULD THE PARENTS HAVE EVEN GOTTEN INVOLVED?!?!?!?! IT AIN’T THEIR DAUGHTER GETTING BROKE OPEN IN AN AIRPLANE LAVATORY!!! It’s a question that we’ll probably never get an answer to. The guys talked about the new cast of Star Wars for a bit, and how Yoda may have been a supreme Jedi master, but the force couldn’t fix his legs, so maybe it’s not as all powerful as James Earl Jones would like us to believe. The guys were gonna try and skype with some folks, but skype is a dishonest cunt and the production budget of the Jason Ellis Show can’t be stretched far enough to have a permanent IT guy. There were some final calls and stuff, and with Hardcore on the phones, we were able to weed out a lot of the shit that would normally get through and make Jason want to rip the phone out of the wall. Don’t forget, if you want to be in the biggest loser fight at EM10, you’re running out of time to become a big fat fuck and then lose the weight, so get on a philly cheese steak milk shake and start using lard in your morning coffee.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 4/29/14

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I don’t want to hear about your problems. I don’t want to have to explain everything twice. I don’t want to wait till you stop talking so I can answer your questions before you ask another one. I don’t want a buy one get one free of your shitty door to door perfume and make-up sets. I don’t want lower credit card processing rates. I don’t need you to fix my computer. I sure as fuck don’t need no god damned OSHA compliance poster. I just want to skull fuck you. I want to puncture your cranium with my erect penis. I want to take the expression “fucking your mind” to a whole new level. And since I can’t do it in person, let me do it through the internet with my writings about the Jason Ellis Show!!! As soon as the Akka Dakka bagpipe session wrapped up, the show got underway with Jason talking about how the production staff needs to tighten up their game and learn how the equipment works so that the opening of the show can flow a little smoother than 20 seconds of technical difficulties as soon as the intro finishes playing. Jason didn’t flip out over it too much though, cause he actually got good sleep last night. Tully has been sleeping pretty well too, except for the demonically possessed Elmo potty training book that starts playing it’s Satanic hymns at completely random times and wakes up the McGook baby in a flurry of circular vomiting and vertical crab walks. Tully and Linsanity even went hard in the paint recently and ate their cereal outside. Unfortunately, Tully’s god damn gardener has shitty timing and the people who immigrate to California from America’s pants are very much like the movie Gremlins, friendly and wonderful in their homeland, but if you feed them after midnight, they will destroy your tame midwestern town on Christmas. Rude Jude stopped by to corroborate the fact that Mexicans are a wonderful group of people, but very similar to gypsies. Jude and Ellis discussed whether or not Jude would be coming along to Jason’s theoretical future channel and have his own show where he doesn’t have to play so much god damn music. The recanted the tale of how Jason came to having his own show after talking too much between songs, but doing a really good job on Tony Hawk’s Demolition Radio. WILSON came by to reminisce about trying to wrangle Jason into doing things correctly and not calling Tully into the studio if he’s supposed to be running the boards and taking phone calls. Jude is at the cusp of having a similar experience, but Shade45 is too devoted to the hip hop game to go addin’ some bitch ass talking mother fucker. Jude might jump ship and go be number three on the Ellis show though, and the townspeople would rejoice if that were to happen. The guys talked for a while about Donald Sterling and how it’s great when racists get served a fine that they’re never gonna pay cause that’s how rich people work cause this is America and freedom is dependent on how much money your bloodline has been able to amass in however many generations since you’ve been here. But nevermind this, cause Ellis has spotted a flagrant case of plagiarism in the movie Elysium, where they basically ripped off Crue Town, and since I watched this movie on Saturday, I can verify that this is true. After letting Dr. Feelgood play in the background for a while, Tully brought up the rise and fall of Van Halen due to so many shitty fifties covers. Rude Jude being the musical powerhouse that he is, cosigned the fuck out of Tully’s immense musical knowledge and hit him back with some tidbits of Louie Prima and all kinds of other shit. Tully countered with a story about one time when two of the other guys from Van Halen got a groupie to lick their asses and then sent her to David Lee Roth’s room and he put his tongue all over her larynx. Just goes to show you, the REAL party was happening in the seventies. The guys talked for a while about what songs they might cover for the next Hatebean/Death!Death!Die! album and it sounds like a cover album could be a pretty good time for the guys that brought us hits like Party Bot, Cunt Kicker and Monkeys of War. Jason talked for a bit about his future in short course dirt track racing and how going balls to the wall in a 400HP off road go kart is just fucking fun, and there’s a roll cage so you won’t fuck up your spine on a jump. There was also some more talk of how ridiculous and pointless it is for XGames to now include video games, which I agree with, even though I like both skating and video games, just can’t really combine the two. Definitely can’t give the same awards for the two. They’re just different activities. Jason told the story of some great XGames moments just for the sake of comparing it to the fact that video games are nowhere near as dangerous as the mega ramp. Unless you go too far with your Call Of Duty shit talking and your opponent calls the SWAT team on you. The guys talked for a while about the rise and fall of CBGB’s and Hardcore got pissed that Jude said that punk is over, just like hip hop, and I can prove him wrong, but at the same time I can prove him right. So, maybe it’s just pointless to hate it all. Except all that bullshit pop music and the fans who love it. You destroyed the only good radio station in my town, Live105, and made me buy a satellite radio, you fucking cunts. Fuck your entire existence. The guys talked some more about driving, and how Jude totally can’t. He can’t even manage a stick shift, so he could basically never get a license anywhere in Europe. And he can’t parallel park for shit cause he’s got some sort of problem with depth perception. But hey, you play to your strengths. I’m great at taking verbal abuse, hence I work in customer service. I’m not very good at landscape architecture, so I stay the fuck out of other people’s yards unless there’s a barbecue going on, or there’s a good thick hedge for me to hide behind until they go out to the movies so I can rob those mother fuckers. Jason also talked for a while about his last foray into off road motorsports and all the things he learned from it, like not ramming the shit out of your friend’s kids and breaking all the equipment that your pit crew uses to talk to you. Jude stepped out to go half-ass his way through his regular job and still do awesome at it, and Jason suggested that they need to get more guitar equipment so that he doesn’t have to walk around the house playing guitar with his bare fingers. Some guy called (repeatedly) to tell Jason about a crash video he’s already seen. WILSON came in to tell the guys about a video he saw of a guy who hung himself on the outside of a taxi by his arms and got driven around the streets of New York, but fuck all that, cause Taintstick is gonna rock your balls off for a few minutes.

 

I’ll bet you never knew this, but AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION KILLS ONE THOUSAND PEOPLE EVERY YEAR!!! INCLUDING ONE OF THE GREATEST KUNG FU MOVIE ACTORS OF ALL TIME JAMES CARRADINE!!! Just goes to show you, parents jerking off with their kids is the only way to be sure they’re doing it safely. You’re a bad parent if you don’t buff the pig in front of the whole family. It’s a great hostage tactic too, nobody wants to disturb someone who randomly starts masturbating like there’s nobody in the room. You just don’t know what that guy is gonna do. It’s just like potty training, you gotta do it in front of them so they can get comfortable with the idea that it’s completely normal and everybody does it. We also got to hear the horrible sounds from the possessed book of Sesame Street evil that occasionally spews forth from the bowels of hell, and it’s the kind of thing that would certainly make me want to burn my house down and change addresses too. WILSON came in to let Jason accuse him of being racist, not sure why anyone would voluntarily do that, but he did. So there. WILSON had a big problem with that, but he’s definitely not in good shape to argue it, after admitting that he killed his dog with his bare hands last night. The point of this conversation was that Jason is gonna be on TV again, and the guys just wanted to run down all the things you shouldn’t respond to without thinking first. Like throwing your kids in the pool to teach them how to swim, or stroking your sausage to make them comfortable with normal human functions. There was some discussion on this particular parenting technique for a bit, and while there is a certain value to immersion therapy, your kids have to actually be interested in whatever activity you’re thrusting upon them or else they’ll end up hating you and have a drinking problem and a lot of shitty tattoos. Make sure you’re not using them to vicariously make up for your failures too. So maybe you didn’t win that all-state track championship, that doesn’t mean you should drop your son off in Kenya for six years to perfect the craft. It was at this point in the show where I was on about three hours of delay and the workday was done for me. I had to drive to the middle of cock smoking nowhere to see a guy about some weekend work to help finance my trip to Canada, and after letting him talk my ear off for almost 3 and a half hours before agreeing to come back Sunday morning and move some stuff, I got home, reheated some leftover tomato soup I made on Saturday night, and knuckled down to finish this recap, only to find that THERE HAS BEEN A MASSIVE GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM AND THE ON DEMAND ONLY HAS TWO RECORDINGS OF MARKY RAMONE’S PUNK ROCK BLITZKREIG AND THE FOUR OURS OF NORMAL FACTION MUSIC WHICH FOLLOWS IT!!! GOD DAMMIT, MY FIRST RECAP SINCE THE VACATION AND IT IS CUT SHORT BY TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!! MAYBE TULLY WAS RIGHT ABOUT MEXICANS!!! OR NOT, BUT POSSIBLY IT WAS THE FRENCH!!! Needless to say, I missed all of the rest of the hilarity which ensued beyond this point, but there was unsigned bands, which included a FUCKING BANGER from Cassette Coast, who is gonna be on rotation on the show for the next week. There was also probably a bunch of other good shit that I missed, but I’m honestly too exhausted to worry myself about it too much, cause listening to conspiracy theories and life lessons and stories about the sixties really does take it all out of me, and god dammit I needed a nap before the show even started today.

 

Red Dragon Ol’ Hoe Ass Niggas

 

(I’m not apologizing for the N-word, I grew up in Oakland, California)