I don’t want to hear about your problems. I don’t want to have to explain everything twice. I don’t want to wait till you stop talking so I can answer your questions before you ask another one. I don’t want a buy one get one free of your shitty door to door perfume and make-up sets. I don’t want lower credit card processing rates. I don’t need you to fix my computer. I sure as fuck don’t need no god damned OSHA compliance poster. I just want to skull fuck you. I want to puncture your cranium with my erect penis. I want to take the expression “fucking your mind” to a whole new level. And since I can’t do it in person, let me do it through the internet with my writings about the Jason Ellis Show!!! As soon as the Akka Dakka bagpipe session wrapped up, the show got underway with Jason talking about how the production staff needs to tighten up their game and learn how the equipment works so that the opening of the show can flow a little smoother than 20 seconds of technical difficulties as soon as the intro finishes playing. Jason didn’t flip out over it too much though, cause he actually got good sleep last night. Tully has been sleeping pretty well too, except for the demonically possessed Elmo potty training book that starts playing it’s Satanic hymns at completely random times and wakes up the McGook baby in a flurry of circular vomiting and vertical crab walks. Tully and Linsanity even went hard in the paint recently and ate their cereal outside. Unfortunately, Tully’s god damn gardener has shitty timing and the people who immigrate to California from America’s pants are very much like the movie Gremlins, friendly and wonderful in their homeland, but if you feed them after midnight, they will destroy your tame midwestern town on Christmas. Rude Jude stopped by to corroborate the fact that Mexicans are a wonderful group of people, but very similar to gypsies. Jude and Ellis discussed whether or not Jude would be coming along to Jason’s theoretical future channel and have his own show where he doesn’t have to play so much god damn music. The recanted the tale of how Jason came to having his own show after talking too much between songs, but doing a really good job on Tony Hawk’s Demolition Radio. WILSON came by to reminisce about trying to wrangle Jason into doing things correctly and not calling Tully into the studio if he’s supposed to be running the boards and taking phone calls. Jude is at the cusp of having a similar experience, but Shade45 is too devoted to the hip hop game to go addin’ some bitch ass talking mother fucker. Jude might jump ship and go be number three on the Ellis show though, and the townspeople would rejoice if that were to happen. The guys talked for a while about Donald Sterling and how it’s great when racists get served a fine that they’re never gonna pay cause that’s how rich people work cause this is America and freedom is dependent on how much money your bloodline has been able to amass in however many generations since you’ve been here. But nevermind this, cause Ellis has spotted a flagrant case of plagiarism in the movie Elysium, where they basically ripped off Crue Town, and since I watched this movie on Saturday, I can verify that this is true. After letting Dr. Feelgood play in the background for a while, Tully brought up the rise and fall of Van Halen due to so many shitty fifties covers. Rude Jude being the musical powerhouse that he is, cosigned the fuck out of Tully’s immense musical knowledge and hit him back with some tidbits of Louie Prima and all kinds of other shit. Tully countered with a story about one time when two of the other guys from Van Halen got a groupie to lick their asses and then sent her to David Lee Roth’s room and he put his tongue all over her larynx. Just goes to show you, the REAL party was happening in the seventies. The guys talked for a while about what songs they might cover for the next Hatebean/Death!Death!Die! album and it sounds like a cover album could be a pretty good time for the guys that brought us hits like Party Bot, Cunt Kicker and Monkeys of War. Jason talked for a bit about his future in short course dirt track racing and how going balls to the wall in a 400HP off road go kart is just fucking fun, and there’s a roll cage so you won’t fuck up your spine on a jump. There was also some more talk of how ridiculous and pointless it is for XGames to now include video games, which I agree with, even though I like both skating and video games, just can’t really combine the two. Definitely can’t give the same awards for the two. They’re just different activities. Jason told the story of some great XGames moments just for the sake of comparing it to the fact that video games are nowhere near as dangerous as the mega ramp. Unless you go too far with your Call Of Duty shit talking and your opponent calls the SWAT team on you. The guys talked for a while about the rise and fall of CBGB’s and Hardcore got pissed that Jude said that punk is over, just like hip hop, and I can prove him wrong, but at the same time I can prove him right. So, maybe it’s just pointless to hate it all. Except all that bullshit pop music and the fans who love it. You destroyed the only good radio station in my town, Live105, and made me buy a satellite radio, you fucking cunts. Fuck your entire existence. The guys talked some more about driving, and how Jude totally can’t. He can’t even manage a stick shift, so he could basically never get a license anywhere in Europe. And he can’t parallel park for shit cause he’s got some sort of problem with depth perception. But hey, you play to your strengths. I’m great at taking verbal abuse, hence I work in customer service. I’m not very good at landscape architecture, so I stay the fuck out of other people’s yards unless there’s a barbecue going on, or there’s a good thick hedge for me to hide behind until they go out to the movies so I can rob those mother fuckers. Jason also talked for a while about his last foray into off road motorsports and all the things he learned from it, like not ramming the shit out of your friend’s kids and breaking all the equipment that your pit crew uses to talk to you. Jude stepped out to go half-ass his way through his regular job and still do awesome at it, and Jason suggested that they need to get more guitar equipment so that he doesn’t have to walk around the house playing guitar with his bare fingers. Some guy called (repeatedly) to tell Jason about a crash video he’s already seen. WILSON came in to tell the guys about a video he saw of a guy who hung himself on the outside of a taxi by his arms and got driven around the streets of New York, but fuck all that, cause Taintstick is gonna rock your balls off for a few minutes.
I’ll bet you never knew this, but AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION KILLS ONE THOUSAND PEOPLE EVERY YEAR!!! INCLUDING ONE OF THE GREATEST KUNG FU MOVIE ACTORS OF ALL TIME JAMES CARRADINE!!! Just goes to show you, parents jerking off with their kids is the only way to be sure they’re doing it safely. You’re a bad parent if you don’t buff the pig in front of the whole family. It’s a great hostage tactic too, nobody wants to disturb someone who randomly starts masturbating like there’s nobody in the room. You just don’t know what that guy is gonna do. It’s just like potty training, you gotta do it in front of them so they can get comfortable with the idea that it’s completely normal and everybody does it. We also got to hear the horrible sounds from the possessed book of Sesame Street evil that occasionally spews forth from the bowels of hell, and it’s the kind of thing that would certainly make me want to burn my house down and change addresses too. WILSON came in to let Jason accuse him of being racist, not sure why anyone would voluntarily do that, but he did. So there. WILSON had a big problem with that, but he’s definitely not in good shape to argue it, after admitting that he killed his dog with his bare hands last night. The point of this conversation was that Jason is gonna be on TV again, and the guys just wanted to run down all the things you shouldn’t respond to without thinking first. Like throwing your kids in the pool to teach them how to swim, or stroking your sausage to make them comfortable with normal human functions. There was some discussion on this particular parenting technique for a bit, and while there is a certain value to immersion therapy, your kids have to actually be interested in whatever activity you’re thrusting upon them or else they’ll end up hating you and have a drinking problem and a lot of shitty tattoos. Make sure you’re not using them to vicariously make up for your failures too. So maybe you didn’t win that all-state track championship, that doesn’t mean you should drop your son off in Kenya for six years to perfect the craft. It was at this point in the show where I was on about three hours of delay and the workday was done for me. I had to drive to the middle of cock smoking nowhere to see a guy about some weekend work to help finance my trip to Canada, and after letting him talk my ear off for almost 3 and a half hours before agreeing to come back Sunday morning and move some stuff, I got home, reheated some leftover tomato soup I made on Saturday night, and knuckled down to finish this recap, only to find that THERE HAS BEEN A MASSIVE GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM AND THE ON DEMAND ONLY HAS TWO RECORDINGS OF MARKY RAMONE’S PUNK ROCK BLITZKREIG AND THE FOUR OURS OF NORMAL FACTION MUSIC WHICH FOLLOWS IT!!! GOD DAMMIT, MY FIRST RECAP SINCE THE VACATION AND IT IS CUT SHORT BY TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!!! MAYBE TULLY WAS RIGHT ABOUT MEXICANS!!! OR NOT, BUT POSSIBLY IT WAS THE FRENCH!!! Needless to say, I missed all of the rest of the hilarity which ensued beyond this point, but there was unsigned bands, which included a FUCKING BANGER from Cassette Coast, who is gonna be on rotation on the show for the next week. There was also probably a bunch of other good shit that I missed, but I’m honestly too exhausted to worry myself about it too much, cause listening to conspiracy theories and life lessons and stories about the sixties really does take it all out of me, and god dammit I needed a nap before the show even started today.
Red Dragon Ol’ Hoe Ass Niggas
(I’m not apologizing for the N-word, I grew up in Oakland, California)