Good afternoon you gorgeous bitches, ugly ducklings, social misfits, landscape architects, pee-wee football coaches and professional hooligans! It’s time for another magical recap that I’m gonna make extra bright and happy cause it’s raining in my neighborhood today, and rainy days are when I feel closest TO OUR DARK LORD AND SAVIOR, THE DEMON FROM THE DEPTHS BELOW, THE ONE YOU KNOW AS BEELZEBUB, SSSSSSSSAAATTAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!! So, anyways, the show started off with Jason talking heart to heart with Josh about how things have been kind of rocky between them lately, and that the friendship has some repairs that need to be made, but it’s definitely more his end of things than Josh’s, and he does still want to keep the bromance going for a good long time. Josh was good about accepting the apology, and offering his own for all the stuff that has been bugging Jason lately. They had vag-out session for a few minutes, hugged it out and the rest of the show moved on. Rawdog got to Rawdog his girlfriend a few days ago, so shout out to not preventing pregnancy. Tully rawdogged a lady a while back and now he’s got a shitload of holidays one right after another that he has to keep track of or else he don’t get to smash that calculator-monkey vajayjay for a while. Ellis explained some of the stuff he’s been doing in therapy lately, and how he’s a better learner if you play charades to explain stuff to him. And he talked some more about how he’s working through his issues and stuff like that. I’m not here to do a fucking case study, I’m just here to make dick and fart jokes and kill a few hours while I’m on the clock, y’know? He sounds like he’s making progress so good for him. There was lots of good insight from Tully and (surprisingly) even Rawdog on all the stuff they talked about, so if you want to hear it all, I highly recommend listening to the on demand tomorrow morning. But, with perfect timing, Juder McDuder came in to break the tension and make it a lot more interesting. The guys talked about getting drunk on water and how even Jude is laden with issues, but all his science experiments are a good way to avoid them while you’re trying to enjoy your weekend. And your exes who try to stay your friend are all talking mad shit about you to their new squeeze, post fuck session. While talking about old people yelling at kids to get off their lawn, it was brought to everyone’s attention that a bunch of local shitheads have been using the lawn in front of Rawdog’s apartment building like a dog park. The obvious solution to this? Jack off in the window with the blinds open. Seriously, it solves everything. Try it, tell me how it works out. Or, you can just sit at the window staring blankly at the offending parties while you’re wearing a gimp mask, or whittling away at your window sill with a huge buck knife. The guys played a quick round of Whip-tionary and Rawdog got to make full use of Jason’s apology by whipping the living fuck out of him (Sort of, in his own special way) while Jason had to draw pictures in a way that people could figure out what they are. Jude even got to whip Tully a bit, so all you folks who say he never loses or has to suffer for the show, you can stick a frozen condom full of turd right up your ass. And Tully took it like a god damn warlord. And what better way to segue in to a music break than scaring Jude out of the studio with promises of aggressive anal bead play? RRROOOOOOOOOTTTSS!!!! BLOODY RRRRROOOOOOOOOOTTTTTSS!!!!!!

So, COCK NEWS is probably the most important news to pay attention to, and when you hear about a man mutilating his own cock while high on mushrooms, it’s another good reminder of the importance of moderation. Of all the times I did mushrooms, I never did so many that I mangled up my cock, unless you count that one weekend I spend banging a really sweet Japanese girl while high on mushrooms for a good portion of it, but it was nothing I couldn’t bounce back from. I sure as hell didn’t grab on to the thing and rip a huge piece of it off. But the best part of this story is that the news report covering the story is fucking hilarious. So kids, I guess the most important thing to remember is to have someone babysit you if you’re gonna fuck around with hallucinogenics. They’re a whole lot of fun, but you too could end up as another horrible statistic. And in case you aren’t keeping track, John Wayne Bobbitt celebrated the 20 year anniversary today of having his dick chopped off by his wife Lorena after he came home drunk and forced himself on her. But hey, according to him it made him a better person and a better lover, so maybe it could help a few more people to have their dick hacked off and tossed in to a snowy field for police to look for in the morning. Three consecutive shithead callers called in to confirm this by showing just how fucktarded they are. Some lady called in to tell the guys that her stripper friend used to dance for Bobbitt all the time, but she would never suck it cause there was a permanent scab right across the area that it got cut, but that doesn’t mean there’s any problem taking it in the vagina, it’s not like scabs have ever caused any negative effects down there. Some dude got a job in a rock quarry while he’s in school to be a geologist, and on his most recent trip out in the wilderness by himself, he woke up alone in a tent to a bunch of lights and noises, and there were three guys hanging around in his campsite. He talked to them for a bit,  and admitted that they were meth runners and were new to the area and didn’t know the area too well. They also let him know that they just slit a hooker’s throat up the road a ways and had her carcass in the back of their truck. So, dude goes back to his tent, gets a flashlight and a pocket knife and when the three guys told him they can’t let him leave there alive, he started running. He took cover behind some trees while they drove around shooting randomly trying to find him. He stumbled into a swamp and thought he lost them for a bit, but  then their truck started up again. He waited all night until they left and he made it out to the road and flagged a guy down for help. The three shitheads were caught by police later and there was no hooker found in the back of their truck, nor was there any evidence that they were involved in meth trafficking. But it’s still a crime to hunt humans for sport, and this one survived, so that’s what these assholes are going away for. This story brings up a good question, how long would you survive in the wilderness with little to no supplies? Well, I was a boy scout for the better part of ten years, so I’m sure I’d be dead in a couple days, but the rest of the population could do to test themselves with this kind of thing. The outdoors are not so fucking terrible, and it teaches you to respect getting dirty and staying away from consumer electronics. The guys told stories about their travels out and about with no provisions around crazy people. Rawdog had the scariest story of the bunch, rehashing his experience of when he lost his car at Coachella last year. They bullshitted some more about folks being sketchy, and the saddle ranch and people losing their cars. Tully picked up some random lady at the Saddle ranch while he was in L.A. training for his job at the Jason Ellis show. And of course, the guys found a new world record burnout on the internet that they had to see. This of course spawned a relatively horrible idea for Ellis to eat 40 donuts. Now, even in the competitive eating world that’s a pretty tall order, but Ellis doesn’t always listen to reason, so the gauntlet was laid down. Starbucks is gonna bump their prices up some more, but i could give a fuck cause they don’t sell coffee, they sell overpriced piss water flavored ice cream. Somehow, the guys got to talking about the philosophical intricacies of hamburgers and hot dogs. Tully visited some shithole of a throw back hot dog restaurant and it was actually delicious. There was more talk about all the people who are taking advantage of Rawdog’s apartment complex lawn. Allegedly, there’s even a dude who will drive to this fucking lawn to let his kids play soccer. And Walt Disney deserves a kick in his cryogenicaly frozen dick because during world war two he tried to sell Mickey Mouse gas masks to the kids so they wouldn’t be so scared of America’s enemies. Just goes to show you, Disney has always been about the money (funny, coming from a guy who was a known anti-semite). The guys found a video of some alley in Las Vegas where homeless people are always pissing and shitting and the residents decided to take matters in their own hands and keep giant water hoses around to fuck with people who shit on their property. The guys had to get ready for a guest at this point, so after some Pantera we can figure out who they’re so pumped about seeing.

So, we just talked about shrooms a while ago, but in pot news, we learned today that Martha Stewart is a god damn joint rolling champion. The story broke because as she was driving out to some appearance, she saw two people in an ice cream truck smoking weed and said “Man, those are some sloppy joints” and then proceeded to show them how shit is supposed to be done when you an OG. Ed Hardy came by the studio to chat with the guys today. As much as I couldn’t possibly give a shit less about his clothing line, he’s done a lot more with his life than just a lot of gaudy T-shirts with way too meany sequins. He wrote a biography a little while ago and it’s being pretty well received. Ed was a tattoo artist a long time ago, back in the days of sailor Jerry and such. He talked about his history in the art world and how some dudes pressured him in to doing the whole clothing line after seeing his work in Juxtapoz magazine. He didn’t even mean to have it go thee, but he rolled with it and made a shitload of money and his name is gonna be out there for the rest of time pretty much. He’s had a pretty eventful life. He pretty much told the abridged version of his life story, the rise and fall and all that kind of stuff, although I don’t really see there being much of a fall except for all the bad press that Jersey Shore caused him. It was kind of like listening to an old guy tell stories about himself, but he actually did stuff that was interesting, not just walking to school uphill both ways in the snow over broken glass and rusty nails with dogs chasing him SEVEN FUCKING DAYS A WEEK EVEN ON CHRISTMAS WITH NO SHOES AND HUNDRED AND FIFTY DEGREE WEATHER ALL YEAR ROUND SURROUNDED BY LIONS AND GORILLAS AND SPOKESMODELS. I mean, those are the kinds of stories I used to hear anyway. Ed Hardy has done a bit more interesting stuff than that. If you feel like reading, you can probably get way more information from his book than you can from me. Overall, it was a pretty mellow, reasonable interview with a guy who’s been around a whole bunch of cool shit. Ed Hardy was there too AAOOOHHHH!!! I kid folks, it was nice chill afternoon. With the threat of forty donuts soon to be fulfilled by an Australian with no sense of self preservation, apparently.

BREAKING NEW MUSIC TUESDAY NEWS!!! Some band called Bad Things just got signed to Warner bros. and their lead guitarist is none other than Shaun “The Flying Tomato” White. The end is extremely fucking nigh, my friends. Jason does not give a fuck if you think he can’t eat 40 donuts, so the bet was made that if he could pack it all in and keep it down for half an hour, Tully would pay him a hundred bucks. And if he couldn’t, Ellis would have to make sweet 8th grade romance with one of the many great predators that has been on the show. And Shaun White’s band continued to suck in the background while they sorted it out. Ellis started eating, Rawdog got up on a perch, and Tully contemplated suicide while all this was happening, I’m sure. The guy who built the dick punching machine came in to hang out with the guys for a while. He offered to help Jason with his “accidentally buffing the pig in front of the window with no blinds” problem. But more importantly, IT’S NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First up from the perch we heard new stuff from the Transplants and I’m a huge fan of Tim Armstrong, and although Transplants have never been my favorite, they seem to be on a pretty good roll right at the moment, so definitely worth checking out more of their new album. Jason was on his fifth donut at this point, and starting to reconsider this challenge, but was interrupted by the new single from Queensryche, which came out of the gate strong but ultimately showed that hair metal will not be making the world a more radical place ever again. After that was Empire Of the Sun, which is an unfortunate strike against all the other things from Australia that are actually cool, these guys just sucked. Next up was the latest from Backstreet Boys doing what they do best, which is pushing me and all other heterosexual men away from their products with the fury of a thousand Zeuses. Next we heard Havok and it had a fucking awesome opening riff reminiscent of early eighties Metallica and the real shocker NO SHITTY COOKIE MONSTER VOICE!!! So give them a try folks. After that was something new from David Yau (or Yow? Yaow? Youuuuuu777788***/==+))^@@? No idea, he was the guy from Jesus Lizard) and it was like a shitty B-movie soundtrack, but not a good B-movie soundtrack, like a really shitty one and the movie doesn’t even have titties or any decent blood effects. It was so bad, it made Jason start puking his guts out live on the air (the donuts didn’t have anything to do with it, I’m sure). Next up was Amon Amarth and it was respectable and not as bad with the cookie monster shit as other bands, but unfortunately, they did it with real lyrics which kind of fucked the whole thing. India Arie dropped a new one, and it wasn’t too different from most of the R&B you’ll hear these days, but if you’re into that kind of thing you’ll probably enjoy it. Next from the vaults of Jewish Claws Richmond was a new one from Bass Drum of Death and it was some more of that indie shite that makes me hunt fixie bikes on the wild semi-urban streets of the south Berkeley/north Oakland part of town where all the coffee and record shops are and there’s that bicycle shop that does nothing but beach cruisers and the block of vintage clothing stores where all the employees are assholes and you can turn in five garbage bags full of clothes for a nickel and an empty pack of Camel Lights then go back the next day and find all of it on sale at prices two times higher than the shit was when you bought it new. After that was the newest track from Wale, and like most modern popular rap it was nothing worth writing home about, but it wasn’t completely terrible. Next was the solo joint from Stone Gossard, that’s right, the guy from Pearl Jam, and as a one man act he’s missing the three things that are really important to making him sound awesome: The other three guys in Pearl Jam AAOOOHHHH!!! Finally, we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week which was The White Man Dingos and it had a nice underground vibe and some interesting rhythms, could be worth trying a little more of them out. I should note at this time, that Ellis lost the bet on imbibing way too many donuts in the name of just absolute fucking idiocy and poor impulse control, so as soon as Someone can come by with an angry fucking animal to bite Jason, we can call it settled. Tully found some clip of Phil Anselmo outtakes, but before we get to that, some dude called in on acid, said he was hanging out with his dog and is driving to bang some MILF that he met on the internet. Phil was a little more entertaining than the day tripper, took a few seconds to get in to the really good gaffes, but it worked pretty nicely. Rawdog is enjoying his new perch, and it works well for the whole layout of the walk in closet the guys call home for four hours a day. There was a running of the bulls type video, but it wasn’t the official running of the bulls, just some random bull that was rampaging through the streets of Spain like a fucking BOSS and then some local took it down with his bare hands like a BOSS! Bas Rutten can’t speak Brazilian. Some guy took a shit in public and it was caught on video, but the commentary was really the gem in that video. Tully and Rawdog started Googling videos of dumb shit just to see what they could find and there could be some gems out there, internet being what it is and all. Rawdog found a clip from some Indian movie from the 60’s of a man arguing with a cow. there were some final calls and stuff, they were OK, but the public is letting me down like always. Then again, that’s probably just my fault for leaving the house and trying to involve myself with the rest of society. Tully found a video of someone using ipecac in public and it sounds like a doozy, the TV host who administered it to some random dude got yakked all over and had to pay him the money he offered for doing the stunt in the first place. The guys were somehow informed about pork coated bullets, for the anti-Islamist in all of us (god bless you hillbillies, it’s not like I got my ass kicked enough times for being white when I was a kid). Also, assholes aren’t paying taxes, but only rich assholes (SHOCKIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!) And if you didn’t already have a reason to hang yourself in a broom closet, there’s gonna be a Broadway musical based on Tupac Shakur!!! And his mom is responsible for letting it happen!!! If only Suge Knight were available on opening night to prevent this debacle from continuing!!! HELP US SUGE KNIGHT!!! The guys rapped about Ellis’ new endeavor into the art of tattooing for a little bit, something tells me it may not work out as well as he’d like but there could be some people who will have awesome stories about “that ONE tattoo” they have and that’s always a good thing to have. But it’s all in the early stages, so let’s not go making any assumptions about the outcome just yet. Seeing as the show is ending, I’d say Jason is gonna have some time to practice, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

When I was growing up, I had a friend who always came to school with an apple in his lunch. I asked him once why his mom always put an apple in his lunch and he told me “Cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away” and I told him “My mom sends me to school with an ounce of weed to go out and earn my lunch money with” and that’s when I grabbed my pen, shanked the apple right out of his hand, made a quick-shooter out of it and packed a fat nugget of some sticky-icky-icky and told my friend “This shit’ll make keeping the doctor away a lot more fun. First ones free. If you want more tomorrow, it’s gonna cost your lunch. But I’ll let you keep the apple.”

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

I never met a Frenchman that I didn’t eventually come to despise. I suppose that has nothing to do with anything, but it just needed to be said. Anyway, it’s time for more adventures in passive entertainment by way of Sirius/XM satellite radio and Jason Ellis! Jason started the show talking about all the different things he may start trying in order to pick up on chicks as his therapist advised him to do, and it all basically boiled down to being as creepy as society will let you. Rawdog was a hundred percent in favor, as it’s kind of his style as well, and since he is slamming two ladies at the moment, he might just have a half decent strategy. Josh then had to start really backing that lurking on people is totally OK and this started a little bit of a disagreement among the guys, since it’s entirely possible to break a law or two while lurking on someone, and not one of the stupid laws like all those old blue laws people hear about, one of the legit ones like conspiracy to commit murder. I just hope they can sort it all out so that I can FINALLY have a nice peaceful thanksgiving without the cops getting involved JUST ONCE GUYS!!! YOU’RE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY, PLEASE STOP YELLING!!! Whoops, anyway, Rude Jude stopped in to shoot the shit for a while. They talked about tattoos and how to convince people of shit that may or may not be true, like “Thug Life” or “Together Forever”. And they made fun of hipsters, which always makes me happy. Rawdog is allegedly a hipster in Jude’s opinion, which prompted a bunch of really racist and hilarious vocal impressions. Jude accidentally called out Rawdog for correcting ladies when they say angry hardcore shit while they’re blowing him. To be fair, he would wait until after they’re done before fact checking them. Jude O.D.’ed last Sunday on some Russian mind control stuff, and it wasn’t as bad as everybody might think. This got Jude to start explaining his scientific method for all the new drugs he tries. Long story short, don’t do Ketamine to try and cure a case of the hiccups. You might end up losing five days and pissing off a bunch of relatives. Tully explained how he’s tried but just can’t get addicted to drugs. He’s got a nice case of Vicodine enthusiasm and that suits him just fine. Rawdog thinks his music is best when he makes it while high, but he also listens to it while high, so the jury is still out for the rest of us. Juder McDuder is pretty much the undeniable proof that the drug war is over, so whatever you want to roll up, chop up or shoot up, go on ahead and get a whole bunch of it up ya. And don’t go cussing anybody out in flip-flops at a Wendy’s drive-thru, even if they did put cheese on your burger. It’s just sad and everybody’s got a camera and will make you look like a dumbass even if you’re right. Tully stepped his game up and threatened to call the cops on the Red Cross after they kept harassing him for a blood donation. After hearing that Jude revealed that he used to be a telemarketer and if anybody ever gave him shit he would immediately put their name right back on the list as a silent fuck you to that ornery mother fucker that didn’t want his time wasted on some stupid overpriced pyramid scheme crap. Ellis got caught buffing the pig because he left his curtains open and a bunch of girls were watching him through the front window and he didn’t realize it until he was cleaning up. Jude used to walk around Korea town with his blood covered dick hanging out. Lemme rephrase that, he’d walk around IN HIS APARTMENT in Korea town with his blood covered dick hanging out after some period sex. Then he talked about shooting up some shit that made him really tan and horny with some rich guy, once again proving, the war on drugs is a losing battle. Don’t forget to follow Juder Mcduder on Instagram and check out the new Rude Jude podcast Forreally or however it might be spelled. Now let’s get some Akka Dakka going and settle in to this nice afternoon.

AUSSIE NEWS FROM A COUPLE YEARS BACK, YA CUNTS! So, apparently Chopper Reed did a public service announcement a couple years ago about not beating up your wife, and it is probably the best PSA ever for anything. The only problem is he might have been a part of this kind of behavior, so it is a little hypocritical, but at the same time, he’s Chopper fucking Reed and he is trying to turn his life around, and telling the public that an Australian murderer is gonna go full sick cunt on you if you beat up a woman or, god forbid, rape somebody, well I think that should put just enough of the fear of god into people that they’ll think twice before they act, and god dammit that’s a Mitzvah! Also, some radio shithead said that prime minister Huge Tits needs to wrap those jugs up cause it’s “improper” or some such shit, but I tell you what, I’d actually enjoy hearing about politics if there were some titties involved, so I say let them fun bags BREATHE!!! To support commander Milk Mounds, ladies across Australia are tweeting cleavage shots and hanging big posters of them in a show of solidarity for General Sweater Puppies. Then some afternoon interview guy accused her husband of being gay, and she said that was a load of crap and he kept stabbing at her because the guy is a hairdresser, but it’s still bullshit. So, throughout history lots of people have died in some pretty fucktarded ways. Currently, Rawdog might be facing a pretty fucktarded death for not mentioning his diabolical schemes for this new segment to anybody else before jumping right in to it, but that’s probably just a side note to this wonderful taste of strange history we’re all about to be witness to. Anyways, there was philosopher who was looking for a way to preserve meat and ended up trying to stuff a chicken full of snow, but ended up freezing to death in the process. Next, an astronomer with a bladder the size of a hummingbird got wasted as a mother fucker at a fancy dinner and died after his bladder exploded because he didn’t want to excuse himself from the table, and the real kicker is that it took him ELEVEN FUCKING DAYS OF INTESTINAL AGONY before he finally kicked the bucket. After that we heard about Attila the Hun who died on his wedding night after he got stuffed full of vittles and booze and drowned on his own nosebleed. Next up was a Greek playwrite who died from an eagle dropping a tortoise on his head, like a fucking boss, seriously, I need to suffer a comical death like that. If that wasn’t enough, the king of Sweden from a couple hundred years back ate his fucking fat ass to death and fucking exploded like a pigeon full of Alka-Seltzer. Jason got sick of all the historical lies at this point and Tully came to ease the tension by telling us the story of a lady who had a whole pack of stray kittens living in a wood pile at her house and when she called animal control, the asshole that showed up told her that the shelters were full and blasted five kittens in front of this poor fucking woman and her kids, like an absolute bastard. AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER HOUSE TOO!!! I bet he didn’t even clean up that shit either, fucking public works, making everything someone else’s problem yet again. And if you didn’t hate your kids enough, Sesame Street has introduced the first character who has a parent who is in jail. They created this Muppet that would probably turn Jim Henson in his grave due to the fact that one in 28 kids have a parent in jail. And of course, it’s so they can be a good influence for other kids who may be going through the same thing, and Sesame Street isn’t the Westboro Baptist Church or anything, but it is still a hard pill to swallow for all of us who remember numbers and letters and nothing else being taught on Sesame Street. There’s some viral video going around about some metal head kids and they’re dreaming big and they’re WAY in to it with their band, so if you’re holding out hope for the future of metal, these kids may be it. Also, some girl in Vancouver, WA wanted really badly to go on a spiritual quest in the woods, so she stripped down to nothing but a fanny pack and waved goodbye to her friends and family and has not been seen since, so keep your eyes open for some especially well fed coyotes in that area. Unless she’s become the bride of Sasquatch, in which case you should probably stop looking for her or else Bigfoot is gonna use his retard strength to make a Barca-Lounger out of your carcass.

Andrew W.K. is about to try and pound the skins for 24 solid hours in Times Square!!! And no, I don’t mean jacking off, I mean drumming! And while it may be a few decent drum solos broken apart by a whole lot of filler, it’s hard to see where the party is happening when that is going on. But more important than all that other shit, it’s fucking Tuesday, and that means it’s FUCKING NEW MUSIC FUCKING TUESDAY!!! Starting off, we heard one of the new singles from Kanye West and while I’ve never really liked his music to start with, and if it weren’t for the Gary Glitter sample, it might have been listenable. But hey, Kim did just give birth to Armageddon personified, so he’s still kind of winning. Next was the solo project from Phil Anselmo and it was pretty fucking savage in all the best ways, so go get it when it comes out as a full album. After that we heard Kelly Rowland from Destiny’s Child, and while she isn’t devoid of talent, but I know Beyonce’s dad sure as fuck didn’t finance Destiny’s Child to help Kelly out for a second, but if you wanna hear some real shit about how it all went down, you can cop this album and hear all about it. Next was Jay Kohl featuring Miguel (yes, the guy who jumped on some chick and crushed her spine at a show about a month ago) and it was more of the same shit that makes top 40 worse and worse every few months. Next out of the gate we heard Valiant Thor and they were raging like it was 1996 all over again, but we’re all allowed to wear better clothes, so fuck yeah. After that was the new one from 3OH3! and it was just as fucking ridiculous and terrible as the bleeding cum shart that their last album was. Phish dropped a 6 CD live box set, so if you haven’t seen them live but you don’t want to “get a contact high, bro” you can buy that and be a lame dying worthless hippie in your fucking living room where I don’t have to see it. Next up was the new one from Kalma and they were doing pretty good, just long enough to be cut off before we found out if there was cookie monster voice or not. Some new shit from Mac Miller came out today and it was definitely not the same shit you always hear, but not something I can get into. After that was Sigur Ros and it made me want to stab my eardrums with an icicle. Next we heard some other band that I didn’t catch and then Rawdog’s pick of the week was our old friends The Mowgli’s! And I actually really like them, and their new album waiting for the dawn is gonna be a fucking masterpiece that you should all get before it’s cool so you can shove a hipster’s face in it while you’re cutting his fixie bike in have with an acetylene torch and stealing that sixer of PBR he had stuffed under his arm to try and use for inspiration to write poetry for his hairy vegan girlfriend. This was a great opportunity to play the only song by Machine Head that I could probably ever play for my mom while the guys collected themselves for a bit.

I don’t know about you guys, but I love hearing what celebrities are sticking in their asses and freebasing, which is a perfect time to get a little HOLLYWOOD NEWS all over that glass dick and take a big old toke of. Lil’ Wayne has told everybody that he doesn’t hate America, but his statement doesn’t really make any good points to defend it. Alan Iverson returned his kids to their mom and told that lying bitch of an ex-wife that they were on vacation, as previously planned, and that she could have come to see them anytime, so she can drop the bullshit kidnapping accusations that that fucking cunt nursery known as TMZ has been spreading. Rhianna had to get some stalker shithead off the roof of her house (to be fair, he got lost and just wandered up there completely by accident), but worse than that she’s been raging just a little too hard and needs to rein it back in cause she’s starting to get a case of party face much like Kat Von D. She’s also got an appointment booked at a live-in women’s only sex addiction treatment facility as soon as her tour is over cause she’s having trouble getting over Chris Brown, even though he’s worth more as a sack of loose organs than he is as a musician. JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER can fuck off and die and may be the only reason America ever declares war on Canada, but recently he ran over some dude in his car in front of a bunch of paparazzi, and the guy with the camera light in his face who was blinding him was the asshole who got hit. Johnny Depp allegedly got close to being trampled by a horse, but the video shows that he just kind of fell off to the side of the horse and he wasn’t in as much danger as people think. Bradley Cooper was photographed eating ice cream, cause apparently that’s worth taking a photo of like somehow there’s some contribution being made to the world by some shithead eating ice cream. Katy Perry got served divorce papers from Russell Brand on New years eve 2011 via text message, and my respect for him grew three sizes that day, even though his comedy annoys the living shite out of me. But the joke’s on him, cause she’s apparently got some juicy bit of gossip about him locked away for a rainy day. Finally, Bruce Lee has finally been given a proper memorial by the City of Los Angeles: A GIANT FUCKING STATUE OF HIM WITH A PAIR OF NUNCHUKS!!! The only problem is that they haven’t built it quite yet so they’re trying to raise money to get it done. In an odd bit of things that the rest of us born after the fifties probably don’t care about, the search for Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse is back underway, cause after all this time there’s not too many places to look, right? So some field in Detroit is getting dug up like that’s gonna make a shitload of difference, and the teamsters are patiently waiting to get closure on their greatest organizer. The Chinese have invented a type of stocking that will hopefully prevent rape, and it almost looks like it could work. Some guy rolled past my work in a pair of fruit boots and I wanted him to die. Twitch called in to jaw jack with the guys for two seconds and let Ellis know he got him a room near Pala raceway for the weekend. The guys had a quick match the crime to the picture session and there was a lady who was convicted of death by unlicensed ass injections! Cause, you know how people just love sticking things in their ass.

Ellis started using the shower as another of his main places to slap the ham and he found that, in stark contrast to Rawdog, just hot water will not get a load off of your hands or feet or walls or prostate or wherever it is that you happen to leave it. Rawdog accidentally reminded Ellis that he does have his girlfriend’s number and could FINALLY get the inside scoop on whether or not the Dog has gotten to hit it doggy style yet. But that’s not important, what’s really worth knowing is that New York magazine put out an article about the mistakes men make when texting shit to their ladies. Number one, emoji’s. They are the font of gay sex and 13 year old girls, cause if you text tell a girl “I (heart) you”, it’s like saying “Let’s go get shoes.” Instead, if you’ve already dropped the L word on your girl, from then on out you can say “I love you, homes” cause then it’s like a permanent bro-type bond and we all know bro’s before ho’s. Net mistake is using too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but that’s just a load of bullshit, in my opinion, no on has ever had a problem with me using a shitload of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And dot dot dot at the end of everything is pretty poor form as well, and I can verify this because my boss does it all the time when it should be actual complete sentences that contain information that people can use instead of us wasting our time trying to read his mind and the mind of the customer who just spent 20 minutes explaining some shit to him that somehow got converted to four or five words and…

…See what I mean? Anyways, next big mistake is going on Wikipedia for pretty much anything. But the good news is, if you’re subtle about it you can make up all kinds of shit just to fuck with people and the webmasters won’t catch it. Using hashtags in a text message is also a big no-no #SoDontDoItYouBastards #Seriously #ItsNotCool #LOLwinkyFace #WhoWantsToGoOutAndTearUpAllTheClubsAndMaybeEndTheNightWithAnAngryHandjobInTheBackOfMyCarForAFairTradeOfSomeRussianMindControlDrugsAndAWholeBunchOfKetamineCauseYouKnowHowIAlwaysGetHiccups but if you place it correctly it can be good for comedic effect. So, elephant in the room, Jason has been having a bad day and it’s pretty obvious to the rest of the guys and a lot of the listeners, and it seems like for the most part the fans are trying their best to cheer him up and Tully and Rawdog are doing all they can to help keep him in a better mood. Near the end of the show, Jason seemed to be feeling better but probably not completely fixed overnight. Then again, we’ve all seen him bounce back from this kind of thing before and when he does he comes out swinging like a penis that weighs six pounds soft. Some more final calls came in that were just more examples of why we need education reform. Some people were playing around on Jason’s Wikipedia page and some of the edits put a smile on his face for a bit, so that’s always good. Some dude called in to be an asshole and make WAAAAA noises at Ellis and that brought everything to a screeching halt when it was just starting to get better again, so fuck that dude with a broken stick and we hope the wing is doing better tomorrow.

When I was just a wee lad, I used to go on such amazing adventures, without ever having to leave my house. I could imagine that I was the greatest king in the land, or that I could shoot across the stars in an instant, or that I could create mountains and forests just by waving my hands…The only problem with all these wonderful experiences is that crack wears off really fast and the hook up isn’t always home when you need him to be. Reality is a dick sometimes.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

Have you ever heard one of those songs that makes you want to kick a belligerent old woman in the head as hard as you can just to see how far you can make her carcass fly? Well chances are you will today, but I’m probably getting ahead of myself. That’s what happens when I start writing while I’m still hungry, and your mom’s box sounds like a pretty tasty lunch to me. Anyways, the show started with Jason telling us about how sometimes shit is tough to figure out. Like whether to go to the gym or get ice cream, or whether to shoot a shitty driver in the face or shoot a load on your passenger’s face. Jason finally got his car registered, but on the downside Kawasaki is asking for their bike back, but on the plus side Ellis is getting another bike one way or another. Tully had to ask the question of when the fuck automakers will do the throwback thing correctly. I personally have to agree that the new Camaro and Mustang don’t fucking count and are kind of blasphemous. Then he showed how little he knows about cars by claiming that the Volkswagen Beetle is from the early 1970’s. Rawdog wants a hybrid Model T and that proves he has no idea what “bad investment” means. Jason is kind of still kicking himself in the balls over some drama that’s happening between him and Katie. He’s getting in better with Andrea though, the two are staying friends very well and that’s what’s best for the kids. The guys talked relationships and had a bleeding vagina puppet show for a while recanting the woes of their former loves. Much like myself and probably all of you, someone has fucked us over very aggressively and we probably passed it on to someone else, but you just gotta power through and smash out a couple sluts and then take some time off and then go back to being awesome. Jason kind of floated the idea that maybe gay guys would be easier to just pound through without all the drama, and while that may be totally true, it could still end up being a total pain in the ass AAOOOOoohhhh!!! Basically, if we could all just take a cue from Bill Cosby, the world could start turning around for the better. Jason read a Yahoo.com prediction about UFC 161 and had some questions about just WHO THE FUCK DO THE PEOPLE AT YAHOO THINK THEY ARE MAKING THESE KINDS OF RIDICULOUS INSINUATIONS ABOUT SPORTS THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT?!?!?!?! The guys talked MMA for a little while at this point, and couldn’t help but mention that Dana White is gonna be on the show later, so if anybody has more information than fucking Yahoo, it would probably be him. We got a clue as to a new segment involving Black Sabbath and physical abuse right before the break, and to keep us on our toes Jason played some of the new album during the first break and we can all only imagine what horrors await in the next hour, probably something that is gonna fuck up Rawdog’s day more than anyone else’s.

So, guys, it’s time for Get The Cock Off Your Chest, and if you’ve got a phallus placed somewhere on the upper half of your torso, this is the show that will let you remove it without having to admit to your buddies that you handled a cock and have them ridicule you mercilessly until you drink yourself to death from the shame. Right, let’s get to it! First we heard a news story though about a guy who was golfing with a few friends and lost his cool over the score and decided to smash a five iron over his buddies arm and then stabbed his other buddy with the broken off end. And to think, I went out to see a band called Five Iron Frenzy on Saturday night, who the fuck would have figured, right? AAOOOoohh!!! Anyways, the first caller told us about a time when he pounded out his dad’s girlfriend’s snatch and kicked her to the curb a month after his dad died. Next guy told us about when he broke up with his girlfriend and knocked up the random ho bag he rebounded with, then he got back together with his ex and doesn’t spend no time with the baby. After that we heard the story of a guy who went to his friends house when they were kids and licked his butt hole and sure enough the dude grew up gay, and now that guys dad hates him for giving his son the gay. Next up we heard about a guy who went to his friends house and got a blow job from his girlfriend and shot his wad in the dude’s coffee. After that the next caller told us that he got paranoid about his wife cheating on him and he turned into a total stalker, and even though she totally was fucking someone else, he felt creepy and lame about it. Next we got to hear about a guy who was dating a girl back in high school and while he was waiting for a ride with her mom after school, he actually banged her mom. No bullshit, this is not a NoYouAre running joke, homeboy actually fucked that ladies mom. Next caller told us about when he was tag teaming his buddies girlfriend and the morning after he went downstairs to get some breakfast and sure enough the dog started licking his balls. Seriously folks, the public finds a new way to let me down every god damn day. After that there was a caller who told us a story about one of his buddies who would get ridiculously fucktarded drunk and become a complete asshole, so some of the guys decided they’d turn the tables on him and piss in his beer. Sure enough, dude chugged it, swallowed it right down, didn’t throw up and somehow got his ass kicked by some other dude’s dad (The story kind of lost me at this point too, speak more clearly please, Canadian alcoholics). Up next was a guy who was banging a girl on his pal’s boat after a whole fuck ton of drinking and shot a load in her mouth, which she spit back up into a big 2 gallon water jug on the boat. Ellis cut  this call off for some reason, probably cause bitches who spit are lame, swallow it or take it on the chin, ya fucking prude, but for the love of Christ and all my free time on the weekends do not let me impregnate you. Next we got to hear from a dude who is having some serious problems holding back his urge to kill people. He was very rational and methodical about it, but all the same, he’s riding a razor’s edge of whether or not he should go out and start whittling away at the moldier bits of the population. After that was a guy who started dating a girl who wouldn’t blow him until they got married, and that story didn’t go anywhere and wasn’t much of a cock off the chest, but he got some decent advice about the whole relationship. Some dude on twitter got airtime when he told the guys a story of how he was fucking a married lady with three kids, and one day the husband came home early and caught them, so he got up and knocked that husband right the fuck OUT BIATCH!!! Like a motha fuckin’ BOSS SON!!! Anyways, the next call we heard was from a guy who was taking lots of painkillers for about 10 years and just needed to let everybody know he’s trying to stop. It turned into another advice call, but it worked out to be a pretty good “hey man go fix your fucking life” call. Next up there was a call from a guy who might have allegedly-not-for-certain-but-it’s-definitely-possible-I-know-I’m-not-a-doctor-but-I’ve-read-a-few-articles-can-you-feel-me-vagina-hey-do-you-know-where-I-can-get-a-great-steak  gotten his buddy’s girlfriend pregnant. Long story short, he’s probably just being paranoid and no matter what she shouldn’t have been fucking around and taking unprotected loads. The next call was from somebody who dumped his girlfriend then went out to the casino and won a bunch of money and bought himself and his pal some cocaine and a couple hookers, then he went home and smashed the gash on the lady he just broke up with.. Not sure what’s really so bad about this story that he’d keep it a secret but I hope you feel better after sharing it, dude bro. After that we got a call from a dude who was dating a girl, they broke up for a good long while, got a call from her out of the blue on Valentine’s day and they went out and got wasted and he went back to her place and fucked her, on her boyfriend’s bed, with one of his rubbers. Pimp with a capital P double I M P. Next we heard from a dude who went out to find a wheelchair and stole it from a senior center for some kind of prank, and the dude needed to take a shit so he used the sink cause he didn’t want to get old people stink on him. I kind of missed some of this story, I have a job and it takes away from all the things I’d rather be doing. Finally, there was a guy who signed up for the army and one night before they shipped out him and some pals went out and smashed on some girl, all up in her ass and with a candlestick and she was holding her C-section scar together and shit. It was fucking metal, that’s why that story ended with Jason playing that new song by Newsted.

Hey, y’know what? It’s time for some fucktarded news!!! So, there’s a guy who worked at a bank and he fell asleep at his desk with his head on the keyboard and accidentally transferred $293 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS into some dudes bank account. The supervisor got fired for not even noticing the transfer, and I think the guy who fell asleep needs to be taken out front of the bank and paddled for about 20 minutes in front of a nice crowd of customers, cause that’s what you kind of have coming for a fuck up like that. The world’s biggest duck, in case you’re wondering, is about 3 feet. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but it was reported to the listeners, so we wanted to make sure you don’t miss out on important things like this. Of course this is a great segue to NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! And to start with we have three wonderful tracks from Black Fucking Sabbath. So go out and sacrifice a goat and pick yourself up a copy, it’s all the original members that aren’t dead back on record for the first time in years! After that was Robin Thicke, the son of the guy from Growing pains and it was kind of a great song to listen to while you hang yourself in a broom closet, but they sampled a decent song from the 70’s. Next we heard Boards of Canada and it was more of the same electronic shit that people keep declaring Jihad on Rawdog for playing. Next on the list was The Lonely Island and if you’re into nerdy comedy rap then go forth and enjoy, and don’t you dare crank that shit in your car anywhere near me or I’ll drag you out of your car and beat you to death in the middle of the street. Next we got a taste of the new Black Dahlia Murder, and new metal doesn’t interest me much, but god damn,  that new Black Sabbath is on point, so go get a copy!!! And fuck the Black Dahlia Murder. Anyway, after that we heard Summoning, continuing the trend of blasphemy against the mighty Black Sabbath and invoking the rage of our dark lord Satan to the point of a thousand years of pestilence. Next we got a real surprise, a new song from the Goo Goo Dolls, and it was nowhere near as depressing as all their old stuff, but it got one of those pop back beats that makes all the rest of the new music out right now on top 40 stations sound like child molestation, so go back to the drawing board guys, Black Balloon was almost catchy and heartwarming and this shit ain’t getting on to any teen romantic comedy soundtrack. Coming in hot is a band called Surfer Blood, and they took it back to the old days when three chords and down strokes were all you needed to make good music, but then the singer kicked in and that was the turd in the bath water. Jimmy Eat World hasn’t fucked off to oblivion just yet, so while they’re hanging around why wouldn’t they put out another album full of music for thirteen year old girls to cut themselves to? Moving on, we got to hear Mister Mother Fuckin’ Esquire on his new mixtape that was not the worst thing I’ve ever heard, but nothing worth blowing up on your local radio station. After that was Prodigy and Alchemist and that was a step better than most of what we heard today, almost listenable really. Finally we got Rawdog’s pick of the week by a band called Death Heaven and it started off a little epic and then crescendoed in a bit of an argument over whether or not the dog got some doggy style from his girlfriend lately. Similar to times in the past, Rawdog is getting weird because he has a girlfriend, much like with Briar, and that Mexican lady he was dating a little while back who wanted to get the puppy and snowballed him, and probably a few other ones that I’m forgetting. And I don’t want to be a dick and pry on things that probably have nothing to do with me, but this is what Josh kind of does once he gets close to a lady. It gets old and the guys give him lots of shit for it, and it’s totally childish, but it also isn’t anybody’s business if he doesn’t want to make it their business. Besides, a lot of the fans hate his guts anyway, why do you want to hear how he’s fucking? I don’t care that much myself, just don’t feel like hearing an argument about it. Ellis’ mood at the end of this talk prompted another break, so that’s what we did. Hopefully Josh gets the clit off his box while we listen to more of the new Sabbath Album.

HOLLYWOOD FUCK YOUR WORTHLESS PEASANT LIFE NEWS!!! Joel Madden, good friend of the show, got kicked out of a hotel in Australia for having a little bit of pot in his room, but really, they’re only doing it for show and to promote the hotel to family tourists. Erin Brockovich got arrested for driving a boat drunk a few days ago, and it all started cause she was drunk and arguing with her husband. And since she’s one of those estrogenical types, of course she can’t parallel park and definitely not in a boat, so that’s why the fuzz got involved. Jessica Simpson is very possibly a fame whore, after she took a picture with some kid at a restaurant but then a doctored version of that pic was released with a different kid on it claiming to be the first glimpse of her new baby, and people think she’s in on the whole deal. I couldn’t give a fuck less really, I haven’t cared about her since the Dukes Of Hazzard movie. Kanye West is also a complete shithead, and when he started being asked questions by the paparazzi he started snapping at them. Sounds pretty normal to me, I would do the same thing. But he did recently make a statement that his god name is Yeezus, so yeah that happened and we all know he has no connection with reality so whatever. Speaking of Kanye, Jay-Z and Beyonce recently gave him and Kim a $13,000 crystal high chair for their little bundle of Armageddon that is soon to burst through Kim’s uterus at the speed of sound bringing an eternal rain of molten glass and darkness to the sun. Chad “Ochocinco like my fucking number isn’t eighty five and nobody in America might speak spanish” Johnson got arrested a little while back cause his wife burned the toast and he reacted accordingly and at his most recent hearing for a probation violation he slapped his lawyers ass, right there in the courtroom, and the judge said “FUCK YOU NO DEAL GO TO JAIL FOR A MONTH YOU DUMB FUCK” and the townspeople rejoiced. Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are arguing with each other again and it may be cause Richie needs some rehab (again) and Bon Jovi would like to keep touring until his dick turns to fucking diamonds or some such shit and Richie understands that everything has to come to an end at some point or another. Pac Man Jones is going to the clink after he knocked out some lady at a night club, and the NFL is officially a non profit organization, so let’s all do our best to hurt that tax free bottom line everybody. Simon Cowell is a fucking tool and during a taping of Britain’s got talent, some lady started pelting him with eggs, so random lady I hope I meet you someday and I will totally buy you a beer. Pink grew her hair back out, except for the part that they’re extensions, but they still look good. Donald Trump’s twitter got hacked and I hope someone made his asshole sting something fierce. Johnny Depp is 50 today, which is definitely shocking to most of us, I just thought he was kind of ageless like Cher or Demi Moore’s unacceptably hairy vagina. Jane Lynch divorced her wife, so go out and get a piece ladies, she could be your lady Liberace but without any AIDS that any of us is aware of. And that pretty much wraps it up for the goings on in Tinsel town. We got more Black Sabbath talk, possibly guest starring Billy Crystal and the runner up Penthouse pet of the year, great movies you could remake with Jim Carey’s ass, and some other great ways to kill a well known star’s career. The guys tried Dom ass news with Herpes stroke face and it didn’t work so great with the cup strapped over his mouth so he was yelling shit and couldn’t breathe. Dom tried learning a new voice to make his news delivery more listenable and that was kind of entertaining. The Australia-maican was a decent touch. Then we found out that someone fucked up and there’s no batteries for the shock collars so no Dom Ass news. So the guys bullshitted with some of the callers, Jason is getting some WolfKnife jewelry made, and the Williams sisters challenged some dude who was a pretty good tennis player and he fucking whooped the shit out of both of them on the court while smiling and drinking beer. There were some final calls and some other stuff, it was all pretty decent. But before we all left, Dom came in and got electrocuted while he read interesting historical facts. And that actually was worth a chuckle. All of these bizarre historical facts however ended up being false, and Dom was properly abused for believing any of it. And that pretty much wrapped it all up.

I remember once when I spent a summer with my grandparents. It was the best summer ever for a lot of reasons, but most importantly were all the things I learned there. Like how to cook crystal meth and what AIDS lesions look like and how if you give a crackhead 25 cents, he will fight you to the death to suck that dick. Crackheads don’t want to be a complete drain on society people, let them earn it, they’re just as human as the rest of us, with all the same needs.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

G’day ya fuckin’ wankers, and welcome back from the collective Jason Ellis show Stay-cation! After hearing from Jason yesterday, it sounded like the guys made the best of their time off, and so did we over here at NoYouAre! I don’t know what the rest of the guys did, but I made cookies on Saturday night and played a lot of video games, so I’ll call it a win. Anyways, the guys are back today and it’s gonna be a fucking rip-snorter. Jason started the show talking about what a great day it is until you let the man start getting in to your head and fucking up how awesome everything can be. Basically, you should go out and be a sick cunt. Then Rawdog said something I couldn’t hear cause my boss started talking right next to me. But anyways, go be a sick cunt. Pendarvis was called in to see if he heard what Rawdog said, but he didn’t either, so fuck it. But it must have been good, cause the issue didn’t die for a few minutes. Ellis got some more of his head tattoo done last night and like most tattoo artists/client relations, there was a very esoteric angry masochist session going on until 5 in the morning. Ellis is getting more in to flowers lately, but his inner skeptic thinks that most flowers are probably lying to us about how they really smell, and what we pick up is really just some elaborate scheme to fool humanity. Tully was struck with the horrors of adulthood today when he had to pack a lunch and found that all he had was peanut butter and jelly, and when he got done with the peanut butter half of making his sandwich, he opened his jelly and found it was beyond old and completely unusable. Thus, the circle of suffering is complete. Josh went to Grill ’em All over the weekend and had one of those burgers that has two grilled cheese sandwiches instead of buns and it was epic. Apparently, if you get a Grill ’em All tattoo you’ll get half price food for life, and considering that it may be tasty but probably not that healthy, I doubt it’s hurting their profits too much. So if you like burgers guaranteed to increase your risk of the most metal case of diabeetus ever, go on down and get yourself some, cause Outback hasn’t done a god damn thing for Jason after he got his “shrimp on the barbie” tattoo. The guys got two new interns yesterday, and any day now it’s gonna turn in to a three way battle royale between Anal Gay Lewis and the other two shitheads. Jason is starting to figure out the wonders of Google by helping his kids do homework. It has some pretty awesome features, like “HEY CAPITOL ONE LADY GO FUCK YOURSELF, I’M AT WORK!” sorry, Jason was struck by a telemarketer much the same way that I am constantly every god damn day when I’m at my most enraged after some old lady bitches me out because we can’t fix a noise that only she can hear cause it’s the sound of her cataracts rattling around inside her head whenever she plays hackey sack with her uterus. Our old pal Rude Jude stopped by to welcome the guys back. Jason told him about his head tattoo for a bit. Then they started talking about ripping a man’s adams apple out with your bare hands like a kung fu movie and how difficult it would be just cause of the whole trachea and circulatory system all connected to it. Somehow this all turned to talk about gay sex and murder in prison on TV, which is pretty normal on this show. Then they all ripped into the interns for being complete fuck-ups (except the bridge part of the Eiffel tower, mister Anal Gay Lewis). Tiger Lee Ellis is a filthy mother fucker, true to his Australian heritage. If he wasn’t a 3 year old, I’d call him a sick cunt, like his daddy before him. The guys started pondering what would be the worst platinum album to be associated with. Most everyone agreed that Filter would be the winner, especially after Rawdog gave us a refresher on just why they sucked so bad (Except that one song from the “Spawn” movie soundtrack, that one was fucking classic, and yes I just dinged myself and punched myself in the dick, carry on). The guys talked more about music and all the bands from the past that made songs about experimenting with tranny hookers and Jude singing karaoke and narrowly avoiding being raped. All the guys could agree, if they’re not sure if the lady they’re talking to is a tranny, they gotta get that figured out for sure before anybody starts sucking anything. Ellis is slowly realizing that Burger is probably retarded and he’s becoming her state appointed friend. Thankfully, Tully is married to an Asian, so it’s cool for us all to joke about how many delicious ways you can cook Boston terrier. This got in to the topic of how smoking foods destroys the taste. Rawdog of course had to pipe in with his worldly knowledge of smoked cheeses and how wonderful they are, cause of course he’s a world traveler of the many cuisines that can be enjoyed on any given day. Of course, Rawdog was able to keep his name in the clear by letting Jude know about the two girls he’s smashing his penis into. He’s getting pretty comfortable with the one who actually lives here too, and they both know about each other, to the point they’ve made out on his couch and probably will again. And Ellis can drop all the N-bombs he wants seeing as his new chick is black and he’s already put a load on it, according to Jude. Ellis met her while he was waiting around for his pal Mike Jasper to get in the ring. You can check Ellis’ instagram to see a picture of her and look her up on the internet, I guess she’s a model and a dancer and all kinds of other stuff, plus she’s got tattoos all over and all the best honky features without diluting out the great stuff that comes with a permanent tan. The guys jaw-jacked some more and then Jude had to stroll the fuck out and do whatever the fuck he does between hallucinogenic experiments. Luckily, I promised Mike in Canada that there would be jokes about AIDS, butt fucking and squirrels, so here goes: Why did the AIDS infected squirrel give up sucking dick and start doing butt fucking only? He was sick of people telling him to “Get deez nuts” BOOM. Yeah, short notice, sorry about that.

So, after the most METAL FUCKING ACOUSTIC METAL SONG EVER, the boys came back to give us some HOLLYWOOD NEWS! First things first, Kim Kardashian is finally divorced from Kris “Big Gay Baby” Humphries, so as soon as Kanye’s adorable little antichrist massacres her uterus on the way out, maybe we can stop hearing about her. Kelly Osborne is calling bullshit on Lady GaGa’s support of the gay community, and I for one would love to see GaGa get the shit kicked out of her by fifty burly drag queens for all she’s done to ruin their reputation, so right on Kelly Osborne, the darkness is strong with you, like your father before you. Hollywood news kept getting sidetracked for other things, so I think whatever the guys had is gonna get tabled for a while so some new Wolfknives can get their names and some other shit. The guys talked basketball and gambling for a bit, then Tully had to let the guys know about some pretty fishy goings on in Russia, namely, STEVEN FUCKING SEAGAL was required to organize a meeting between Russian and American leaders, to help encourage communication between the two countries to prevent future threats of terrorism like that seen at the Boston Marathon. Russia is also making a cunt satchel of guns that are personally endorsed by STEVEN MOTHER FUCKING SEAGAL as Russia tries to become a bigger player in the worldwide arms market. The singer from As I Lay Dying is back in the spotlight after calling somebody to kill his wife because it may all be steroids’ fault! Roid rage will do some crazy shit to a man, this has been proven. Jesse James cut off his pinky, probably not intentionally, but if you care there you go. Adam Carolla is getting sued by one of his childhood friends for some things he said and childhood photos he put in a book he wrote, and we can all agree that the childhood friend can go fuck himself. World famous movie reviewer James LLLIIPPPPTTOOOONNN!!!! has just recently been outed for running a brothel in Paris in the 1950’s, so really I take back everything I ever said about him being a monstrous tool bag and having a fucking weird speech impediment that has no rival, that N-bomb is a fuckin’ pimp with a capitol P double I M P. Jesse Eisenberg was told that he’s a huge jerk by some blogger shithead, but the video reveals that the lady interviewing him was an idiot and doesn’t know who Morgan Freeman is. Amanda Bynes is telling people that the New York police slapped her vagina, and I really hope it’s true and that police corruption keeps it from being prosecuted. Beyonce is not pregnant again, she’s just built like a brick shithouse and doesn’t have the free time to work off the weight from the last baby (give her a fucking break, she just had a kid). A pop star named Miguel got caught Chuck Norris-ing a fan, probably by accident, but the victim is saying she got brain damage, and anyways he’s a pop star, so he can cover it. The guys somehow started talking about what celebrity you would let steal food off your plate without saying anything. Kevin Spacey is OK, but Tommy Lee would get put on queer street real quick. Matthew Perry, maybe, Luke Perry could grab the burger, take a bite and drop it back on the plate and keep walking, nobody would say shit. Lou Diamond Phillips would be let off. Shakira better swing them hips to someone else’ table. Lil Wayne would lose a hand if he wanted Tully’s burger that bad. Hologram Tupac could eat anything he wants off of anyone’s table. What are you gonna do, kill him again?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Chelsea Handler can suck this dick, but can’t eat my burger. Kareem Abdul Jabar could get away with it, but he would have to make a sweet ass street ball move out of it. Bill Clinton would be OK, so would Hillary, but not Chelsea. So could Obama. Harrison Ford would be fine. Benicio Del Toro is a split decision. Chuck Lidell gets a pass. Mickey Rourke could do it, but only cause it would look like you’d get a sharpened toothbrush in your neck if you tried to stop him. Robert DeNiro could do it, but not Al Pacino. And nobody would try to stop Morgan Freeman. And Samuel L. Jackson could go ahead and take the fucking thing. Then they started seeing who they would steal a burger from.  Wendy Williams better cover her burger, cause she sure as fuck ain’t getting mine. Amarosa would get hers stolen too. Avril Lavine would get punked out, so would everybody on the View. Kelly Ripa would be a two way street. Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson would both get their burgers jacked. Somehow this all devolved into talk of undead noses rising from the grave to attack us with super suction, of course this is all Rawdog’s brainchild and the logic is a little incomplete, but it’s not the worst movie premise I’ve ever heard. A guy called in to get a Wolfknife name and Anal Gay Lewis showed just how inflated his ego is now that he’s got these two new intern biotches working under him. A guy called in with the SWEETEST real name ever (Troy Champion) and asked for a Wolfknife name, but the only problem is he hadn’t actually signed up. Sorry you didn’t make the team Troy, would have been great to have a guy named Champion in the ranks. Tully thinks that the Dalai Lama ain’t shit and he would totally steal his veggie burger. But y’know, it’s break time and the guys just did pushups and I think we could all use a couple minutes to recharge.

The interns are still having teething problems, as it took all three of them an entire three song break to take a coffee order and not a single one of them actually left the studio to go get the coffee that was requested by the people who were remaining at the studio. Ellis And Tully had to spend a few minutes sorting out what the fuck is really going on and how inept three college students really could be, and this is America, so it’s just like an MTV spring break special, but with no titties and Wiz Khalifa ain’t hanging out anywhere that the rest of us are aware of. But there is a light in this tunnel, cause one of the new guys is still kind of on point and Ellis appointed him head of the interns. Some shithead in Florida (of course it’s in Florida) got arrested for homicide after the dumb mother fucker pocket dialed 911 while he was planning the murder and the operator heard everything, but not before the deed had been done. But that’s not nearly as important as NEW MUSIC FUCK ME IN THE ASS HOMIE TUESDAY!!! AND THERE’S A THREE WEEK BACKLOG OF SHIT YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR AND TUSSIN WOLF’S SPEECH IMPEDIMENT WAS WELL NOTED WHEN HE ANNOUNCED IT!!! Alice in Chains dropped a new single that was actually not bad, just on the riff, and even though the singer is dead, they sure as hell didn’t have to draft anybody from Linkin Park to fill anybody’s spot. After that was Five Finger Death Punch guest starring Rob Halford and it sounds just like that description, so there you go. We were treated to another of the new songs from Alice in Chains and if you’re a fan I do believe that you won’t be disappointed. Next up we got to hear The National which sounded a lot like if Coldplay was from the south instead of from England, with just as much suck and complain, but fewer high notes. Then, we heard the new 30 Seconds to Mars and it’s not the slightest bit obvious at all from hearing this that Jared Leto used to be a heroin addict. After that was Anvil, the most metal band that you’ve never heard of, and they melted our faces off against their balls pretty well with their new single. Next in line was The Dream, singing more of the kind of stuff that white people try to sell to black people for $13.99 on those late night love jam compilations you see advertised on TV late at night on the public access channel. Skinny Puppy dropped a new album that would fit really well if you based your entire fucking life on The Matrix trilogy and shoved 25 ecstasy pills up your ass. Next we heard the new track from Megadeth, and Dave Mustain certainly hasn’t lost his touch, but is still getting mixed reviews, I personally enjoyed it and might actually pay to have it on my computer. After that was Todd Terry and as a house DJ, it’s hard to get respect from people that don’t wear Abercrombie & Fitch, and the streak is still alive of me and my kind wishing he would fuck off and die. Next was Disclosure, who one-upped the fuck out of Todd Terry in the “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS, LARRY!” category of absolute shite techno music. Laura Marling is some lady who made an indie album that is a lot like Zooey Deschanel, acting all fucking better than everybody and shit, like she’s the only bitch that ever went to college and PBR and cocaine that daddy’s money paid for is the only thing that matters in life other than falling in love with some hipster boy who doesn’t mind that she hasn’t used a tampon in a decade because it’s her personal environmental crusade or some other fucking nonsense. Lemme just pause the show for a second and say fuck all these people, and their friends, and their dogs, and their parents, and Forever 21, and that first uppity cunt that told you ladies to burn your bras, and fuck the first beatnik in history, twice, right in his ass, with a rusty broken off shovel, covered in broken glass and hepatitis, while a honey badger systematically removes each and every one of his vital organs in alphabetical order, with THIS FUCKING SONG PLAYING IN THE GOD DAMN BACKGROUND. So yeah, next up we got to hear one of the tracks on the Fast and Furious 6 soundtrack by 2 Chainz and Wiz Khalifa, and it sure does fit the movie it was made for, so there you go. Dirty Beaches has a new album that is STILL ON THE SAME FUCKING HIPSTER VEIN THAT’S MAKING ME WANT TO PERFORM SOME VIGILANTE JUSTICE, RAWDOG YOU FUCK!!! KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE HIPSTER SHIT!!! THEY’LL STOP MAKING IT IF PEOPLE STOP SUPPORTING IT!!! After that was the breakthrough new release by Filter (remember those guys?) and you would never believe it was anybody else, cause most people have self respect and talent and would check their work before they sell it to the public. Finally, we got two picks of the week from Rawdog, first up was Queens of The Stone Age, and I’ve never really liked them but the track wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard, and the second one was a new track from Daft Punk, and while they’re one of the few techno bands I don’t hate, the song was a little too funk for their normal style and doesn’t really fit with two guys wearing robot helmets working a pair of turntables and a drum machine. After that some guy called in to get dating advice from Rawdog, and normally I’d say that’s a terrible idea, but considering recent developments I’m going to allow it. The guy was wondering why a lady would say she’s single but won’t go out with him, and the long and short of it is that bitches be lyin’, plain and simple. Some guy called in to talk about music and it seems like all the best of the old stars just can’t be expected to always play the songs we want to hear. And that’s fair, it’s their gig, and the venue only booked the guy, not the set list, but it’s sad that we don’t get to see all the shit that made us like them in the first place and we’re all running out of time to enjoy that shit the way we didn’t get a chance to when we were kids. Another guy called in to get a recommendation on fucking trannies in Brazil and a better idea would be to just hang out here in the US with some cross dressing junkies until Bob is your Uncle and you get the HIV from a nice afternoon of banging up gutter water with dirty rigs behind a 7-11. Got some more calls about music, and how most of the new stuff sucks, and how computers are making everybody think they’re the shit when they ain’t. Rawdog had to get knocked off his pedestal when Ellis told him what he really thinks of the music he makes. Rawdog gave us a taste of what he’s been cooking up in the lab and if the boys were in the process of making “Slingin’ Cream” this would have been the perfect track for someone sneaking in to Tony Hawk’s ice cream shop to steal some secret recipe. Until it really “kicked in” then it just sounded like an iPod commercial. Some guy called in cause he didn’t know what to do about his girlfriend wanting to bring a dead raccoon into the bedroom when they’re making youngins. Then some guy pulled down two phone numbers and long story short, once again bitches be lyin’. More final calls of exceptionally high quality came down the line, like some dude that really enjoys his girlfriend, she’s hot and totally DTF any old time, but she’s fucking annoying and he’s wondering what to do. Long story short, tell her to fuck off and if she said she had fun, I’m gonna have to refer you to the lesson we learned from the last caller (ahem). Surprise, more relationship calls from guys that needed relationship advice about bitches who be lyin. And more calls about people who think they’re music experts, and then some lady called in to see why she always attracts weird mother fuckers and the long story short is that she’s decent looking and not all fucked up or hunch backed or missing something important and that men like putting their dicks in stuff like that. Some lady called to ask why a dude will have to jack off if you tell him no, but it took way to long for her to actually ask it clearly and she didn’t seem like she knew who she was talking to, but then again, could have been some sort of clever ruse just to get airtime, cause you know how bitches be lyin’ and shit. And Tony hawk was live this afternoon, so the boys had to go, cue Bruce Lee music and yes, I totally meant all that shit in that hipster rant a little further up the page.

When I was young, my dad told me that I could grow up to be anything I wanted. I asked “Can I be an astronaut?” and he said “Sure, if you work hard” then I asked “Can I be a police man?” and he said “Of course, just as long as you always make sure to help everyone and don’t get scared” and then I asked “Can I be a dragon?” and he said “well son, I’d love to say yes but the only problem with that is that dragons aren’t real” and I said “Really? Cause I was a draggin’ my shit stained ass all over the hood of your broke ass car right before bed” and he said “Why do you think I never wash it? A rusted out 1971 Volvo ain’t gonna get diaper rash BIATCH!” and that was when I finally learned what that whole wax-on wax-off thing from Karate Kid was all about.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

If a dick gets hard in the forest and no one’s there to jerk it, will it still shoot a load? Better question, where did this stand-alone dick with no person attached to it come from? These are the questions you probably never asked without severe chemical influences, but this shit plagues me daily. However, I do have a nice four hour distraction in the afternoon that keeps me from going crazy, and it’s just about to start. Let me tell you all about it, so today, Jason started the show by playing all nine minutes of Money for Nothing, the song that won Greatest Riff, and we all got to watch some 8-bit 3D animation in our heads for a while remembering when that shit was high tech (If you’ve never seen the video, you need to go youtube that shit right now). Then, Jason started talking about how people are all different, but we can all get to be better people by working the shit out of your body. Hopefully, I phrased that pretty well and didn’t just accidentally tell everyone to go overdose on laxatives. Ellis is really happy that he’s back to training again. Then he started talking about that show “Taboo” and how fucked up some people are, which is totally true. But this brought up that Jason is feeling a lot smarter and faster and stronger now that he’s pumped full of supplements from Onnit.com, so go get some up ya and tell me how it works out. Then Jason got a text message from Phoenix Askani, one of the many lovely ladies of BurningAngel.com who has graced the show before, asking him to change a flat tire. Not wanting to be a complete dick when people ask him for a hand, he decided to go help her out. Of course, he gets there way past his bedtime, she’s nowhere to be found just chilling in the fucking house, then some other RIDICULOUSLY hot girl comes by to tell Ellis to get out of her parking spot, and in a classic tale of “women, am I right?” she blocks Ellis in so that he can get out of her parking space easier. After all that, Ellis got  to work changing the tire and felt MANLIER THAN A CAVEMAN SWINGING A BRONTOSAURUS BY THE DICK AGAINST A TYRANNOSAURUS REX AND WINNING!!! She thanked him, and he disappeared like a creepy tattooed batman or some shit. Rawdog got to trade parking spots with Ellis for the day, but Tully spotted him parking like he’s making a viral video for youtube. Then, he allegedly tried to run over JizzCult, but whatever, he’s used to people abusing him, he just shrugged that shit off with all his shiny shinned glory. Of course the rest of the guys had to rip into Rawdog relentlessly for how bad he is at parking and the dog did everything possible to try and pass the buck. This prompted the idea that they should put internet and cameras in the car to watch Rawdog while he drives. Somehow this got the guys talking about what the best time of day is to eat Lucky charms. Rawdog says it has to be at breakfast time, cause that’s the only time of day you add milk to things, Ellis and Tully said it’s whenever the fuck you want cause you’re an adult god dammit or whenever you’re too high to cook. Ellis is liking his new training so much that while he’s on vacation next week, he’s gonna try and become Brazilian. Cause, y’know, then it would be official that he’s a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu specialist. Plus they got great asses, and we all know that Ellis has a slightly malformed ass from years of skateboard injuries. Some guy called in about Jiu Jitsu because he works at a prison and when shit gets out of line all the guards are able to handle it cause the criminals are all boxers and have no ground game. A couple other cops called in to talk about how MMA works well in law enforcement. Criminals apparently can’t fight for shit and even with a belt full of equipment it’s totally possible to get somebody in an armbar or kick them in the head if you know what you’re doing. Some guy called in to talk about being a firefighter and training in MMA, but it doesn’t have the same effect on fire as it does on people. But the same guy had to fight a guy who was on bath salts and was able to get a hold on him so he couldn’t eat anybody’s face, so it’s not all bad I guess. The man is trying to lower the legal blood alcohol limit for people who get stopped for DUI, and it’s not the most unreasonable level they’re trying to drop it to. And considering how fucktarded most members of the public are, somehow when you put them behind the wheel of a 3000 pound weapon their IQ drops another 15 points. Probably best not to add alcohol to that mixture. Canada is ahead of the curve, they already dropped the legal limit lower than it is here in America. They’ll also impound your shit for a certain amount of time, depending how high of a reading you blow. Unfortunately, the drivers test to get a license in the first place doesn’t cover enough to account for the fact that the herd is getting dumber by the minute, so my advice is put a roll cage in it and pucker your asshole real tight before you go driving. Of course, your best bet is to go back to the days of horses, cause you can’t get caught for driving drunk if you’re riding a horse. Unless you’re like Rawdog and you get so drunk you decide to feed booze to your horse. Tully does think it might be possible that road rage will get ten times worse if a dickhead in a new Fiat cuts you off and the horse gets a boner for vengeance. It would be awesome to see someone get horse kicked through a car window though, raining broken glass and a steel point to the side of the head, that’s way more dangerous than when you piss off a hipster and they throw a bike lock through the window. Rawdog was having computer trouble, so the guys decided to take a breather and let him sort out his massively inflamed vagina. Then we heard some Pink Floyd, wich I can personally never stop being sick of, but that’s only because I lived with hippies for a little while. Seriously though, if you ever put on a String Cheese Incident CD at my house, I’ll throw you off the fucking balcony and drop the People’s Elbow on your dick. #TeamBringIt

So in England, some soccer hooligan from Newcastle was pissed about his team losing and this asshole fucking went up and punched a horse, and the cops pounded his liver with truncheons like they were trying to make Haggis. Now, I understand that soccer hooligans are usually drunken assholes no matter what the circumstance, but you gotta be a dumb mother fucker to punch a horse, A POLICE HORSE NO LESS, and think you’re gonna get away with it. Some massage therapist lady stopped by to help Ellis with his pinched nerve and get her name out on the air for a little free publicity. According to Ellis she smelled like coconut and needs to get back in to moto but it’s cool that she surfs. So Ellis got a massage on air and it was a little creepy just for the fact there was a holster of stuff the masseuse had to put on first, it almost felt like a dom/sub session, but it seemed to do the trick. And then there was HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! First up, of course we had to hear about how Angelina Jolie had her tits removed and replaced with suitable aftermarket parts because she found out she has a really high risk for breast cancer, and wants to stay around to be with her kids as long as possible, which is a totally fair reason to get your tits taken out. Somehow the guys got sidetracked at this point and started dissecting the plot of Superman 3 and how it might not have been the best decision Richard Pryor ever made, but definitely the best thing that ever happened to Christopher Reeve’s career. They made a lot of really good points about just what a convoluted piece of shit that movie was, like how there’s almost endless amounts of contradiction on every single point of the plot, and how evil Superman should have spray painted “Muska Kills” on the side of that oil tanker he punched a hole in, and how the evil super computer becomes self aware and wrecking shit, but just moments before it was running off a job site generator, but after that it takes the power of several cities just to stay running. And then there was that lady who’s body it invaded who started shooting lasers out of her fingers and shit. AND HOW THE FUCK IS SUPERMAN AN ALCOHOLIC IN PUBLIC AND NOBODY EVEN LOOKS TWICE!??!?!?! Anyways, back to Hollywood news, so Angelina Jolie got her tits removed, and we’re sad but there’s lots of titties in the world so hope is not lost. Jayden Smith, Will Smith’s son, has asked his dad for an emancipation for his fifteenth birthday, so stay tuned to TMZ for everything that’s about to go wrong for that kid. Then again, when Will told us about how he discipline’s his kids, and it is a pretty unique approach, maybe Jayden is going to be a champion of all humanity. The singer of Puddle of Mudd got picked up by the cops after he got spotted in public slapping up his wife, and I gotta believe that he’s about to find out what they do to wife beaters in jail. Holly Madison, one of the original “Girl’s Next Door” that was in the four way relationship with Hugh Hefner, is gonna marry some dude, but right after the announcement the GROOM to be was in court facing 13 years for embezzlement and fraud, way to pick ’em Holly! Arnold Schwarzenegger is in talks to be the star of a remake of The Toxic Avenger! Which just makes me want to avoid the movies more and more. Leonardo DiCaprio held a charity auction to save the tigers and raised about $39,000,000 so shout out to that guy. Justin Bieber played a concert in South Africa for mother’s day and the police spotted a bunch of guys pulling some classic Italian Job type shit and got away with some $300,000 from the safe at the venue. And finally, Beyonce missed some work and blamed it on “dehydration”, but there are rumors floating around that she’s pregnant again with another one of Jay-Z’s evil music mogul spawn. And then the dick punching machine came out after Rawdog had to drop the story about Nicholas Cage being a vampire, first shot got him in the stomach and the second shot was dead center on the cock. After that the guys took a break and we got some tasty eighties saxophone grooves from Bob Seger.

AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! Craig Emerson, a politician, sang and danced on TV during an interview about new taxes for industries that pollute too much. Only problem was, his voice is fucking terrible and he has absolutely no soul or timing. But on to bigger things, Big B stopped by to talk about his new album. He rode his motorcycle all the way to LA from San Francisco just to be on the show. I saw him live at EllisMania 7 and it was a great time. They talked about how T.J. Lavin could have done a lot of good for the X-Games if they would have just called him, but he’s a total sellout for being a non drinker and selling anti hangover pills. Tully let us know he’s a total alcoholic cause he would drink just to have a reason to take Forgiven and from time to time he uses a 20 dollar bill to get it down. Big B is occasionally known to get a little too much whiskey in him and start talking shit, and he’s got the scars to prove it. And this all led up to NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! And since most new music sucks and they have a real musician in studio, this ought to be good. First, Ellis said fuck no to some new country music, and I had a moment with him over the air, thanks Ellis. Big B got him to open his mind and give it a listen though, and it was just like everything I always hate in country music. Next we heard some more country and I revoked my moment with Jason because he didn’t use the dick punching machine on Rawdog again. After that was some prog-rock from Wolf People and it was very very hipsterish in all the ways that make me want to hunt anybody with a scarf and skinny jeans and a fixie bike. Up next we got a taste of Florida Georgia Line which was about as hard to listen to as the decapitation of a toddler with a hacksaw. After that came The Fall with a new album that was very noise punk, and pretty ridiculous and the kind of thing I sure as fuck wouldn’t pay to see. Next we heard some from Demi Lovato, and as much as I hate pop music it’s not nearly as bad as Demi Moore’s SSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPEEER hairy bush from that early 80’s Playboy audition photo. Bobby McFarren came out with a new album of gospel covers done in a more bluesy style, respect for the craft and it sounded like it actually required some talent, but Sunday School hymns ain’t my cup of tea. Mindless Self Indulgence did a cover of The Logical Song on their new album, and if you’re into that kind of thing, you should go get it, but since I’m not a scene whore I can’t get into it. There’s a new record from Eve and it’s a little self indulgent, but you probably couldn’t do it yourself so why not toot your horn if you’ve got the skill to do it? After that we got to hear Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats and for a bunch of British people, they could have put a bit more in to the production, but all in all not the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Next up was Dillinger Escape Plan doing their typical modern super fast metal with the worst lead singer ever, but it kind of worked a little better than most of the cookie monster shit. Finally we got Rawdog’s pick of the week which was some more worthless shite from some obscure indie band called Vampire Weekend and it made me want to take a couple days off to go down to L.A. and rob Rawdog at gunpoint a few times when he’s out and about doing stuff. Y’know, just to put him in his place. The guys chatted with Big B a bit more about how all their mutual friends from Hart and Huntington are doing. A little more about bikes and riding and music and fighting and Instagram and bitches who tag their photos with #ModelLife. They took some phone calls about being too big for moto and being a rock star and all that shit. Then we got a run at the punch pad and Big B secured his spot tied up with Doug Benson, former intern Fruitler and Blasko. Update on the Apocalypse 6000, in case you were wondering, the guys at Divine One Customs that Ellis gave the truck to have fixed it all up and it’s purring like a walrus. Big B even drove it to 7-11 the other day. Big B accused the guys of having a rigged punch pad because of course the guys know technology and can rig up microprocessors for pressure readings whenever they like. The guys took another break and we got to hear someone yelling SURPRISE! You’re dead over a pretty tasty metal beat.

So, some guy in Illinois got shit hammered and fell on top of his mom, causing her to become trapped. She was stuck under her fat drunk worthless jobless unconscious shithead son for hours before anyone else in the house would call an ambulance, and she got a broken hip out of the whole deal. After hearing such a heart warming, life affirming story, of  course we had to bring Dom in for some abuse. In particular, a brainstorming session to figure out which guests he should invite to the show. First suggestion was Jennifer Love-Hewitt, which the guys kind of had to nix because she probably wouldn’t get along well with the guys, despite having million dollar tits. Next suggestion Dom had was to bring a food truck in on Friday, and that got all the ears in the room perked up, especially when Ellis mentioned having Grill ‘Em All and the ice cream sandwich guys. Next idea Dom floated was Sophia Monk, I don’t know who that is but she got shot down. Dom threw the name Sugar Ray Leonard and they gave it a maybe. Some dude named Hector Alonzo whose name I don’t recognize also got shut down. J.J. Abrams came up next, but they think he may be a little too big time to actually come on the show. Adam Levine was suggested, and I would love to see the guys rip his butthole to shreds but it’s probably never going to happen. Heather Graham would probably be a good guest, so the guys kept that one on the table. Chris pine, the new Captain Kirk from the revamped Star Trek movies was another idea, but I don’t think that would fly. Hell, I haven’t even seen the newStar Trek movies and I don’t give a fuck what he has to say. Chris Tucker was suggested too, the guys would be totally down so long as he shows up. After that we got a few final calls and some more brainstorming about how the fuck a food truck is going to make an appearance on a radio show. I say just get a sledge hammer and bust a fucking wall out in that roach motel they broadcast from, then hang up a couple tarps before the rainy season comes. There was another appearance of my new favorite piece of technology, the dick punching machine, after Rawdog may or may not have said “banneded”. Now, i heard him say “…banned it’s…” while referring to a school that was prohibiting students from wearing thick glasses, because hipsters can get fucked with fenceposts covered in barbed wire. But, whatever, the real issue here is that I want a dick punching machine for my own personal use. I would wear that thing out in a couple days with some of the people I deal with. The guys argued with Dom a bit more over whether or not wine is an acceptable beverage. Sure, Ellis and Tully are standing behind the theory that wine is a fad and Dom sucks, much like a lot of the fans, but what they’re all forgetting is that the best wine comes in space bags and can be made into delicious ghetto Mimosas if you add Sprite and Tang powder. Mmmmmm it’s like flunking out of high school all over again. Rawdog accidentally admitted that he is known to listen to audio books from time to time, confirming that he does in fact have a vagina, and fellas, it’s flaring up something fierce.

In my many travels, I have seen a whole world of fantastic sites and rich cultures. But the most amazing thing I’ve seen is when five Thai ladyboys get into a brawl in front of a McDonalds over a 6 piece McNuggets they found in the trash and somehow it breaks down into all of them offering free blowjobs to whoever walks by in exchange for scrap metal. That shit is priceless, no matter how many fucking times you see it.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,