Good afternoon you gorgeous bitches, ugly ducklings, social misfits, landscape architects, pee-wee football coaches and professional hooligans! It’s time for another magical recap that I’m gonna make extra bright and happy cause it’s raining in my neighborhood today, and rainy days are when I feel closest TO OUR DARK LORD AND SAVIOR, THE DEMON FROM THE DEPTHS BELOW, THE ONE YOU KNOW AS BEELZEBUB, SSSSSSSSAAATTAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!! So, anyways, the show started off with Jason talking heart to heart with Josh about how things have been kind of rocky between them lately, and that the friendship has some repairs that need to be made, but it’s definitely more his end of things than Josh’s, and he does still want to keep the bromance going for a good long time. Josh was good about accepting the apology, and offering his own for all the stuff that has been bugging Jason lately. They had vag-out session for a few minutes, hugged it out and the rest of the show moved on. Rawdog got to Rawdog his girlfriend a few days ago, so shout out to not preventing pregnancy. Tully rawdogged a lady a while back and now he’s got a shitload of holidays one right after another that he has to keep track of or else he don’t get to smash that calculator-monkey vajayjay for a while. Ellis explained some of the stuff he’s been doing in therapy lately, and how he’s a better learner if you play charades to explain stuff to him. And he talked some more about how he’s working through his issues and stuff like that. I’m not here to do a fucking case study, I’m just here to make dick and fart jokes and kill a few hours while I’m on the clock, y’know? He sounds like he’s making progress so good for him. There was lots of good insight from Tully and (surprisingly) even Rawdog on all the stuff they talked about, so if you want to hear it all, I highly recommend listening to the on demand tomorrow morning. But, with perfect timing, Juder McDuder came in to break the tension and make it a lot more interesting. The guys talked about getting drunk on water and how even Jude is laden with issues, but all his science experiments are a good way to avoid them while you’re trying to enjoy your weekend. And your exes who try to stay your friend are all talking mad shit about you to their new squeeze, post fuck session. While talking about old people yelling at kids to get off their lawn, it was brought to everyone’s attention that a bunch of local shitheads have been using the lawn in front of Rawdog’s apartment building like a dog park. The obvious solution to this? Jack off in the window with the blinds open. Seriously, it solves everything. Try it, tell me how it works out. Or, you can just sit at the window staring blankly at the offending parties while you’re wearing a gimp mask, or whittling away at your window sill with a huge buck knife. The guys played a quick round of Whip-tionary and Rawdog got to make full use of Jason’s apology by whipping the living fuck out of him (Sort of, in his own special way) while Jason had to draw pictures in a way that people could figure out what they are. Jude even got to whip Tully a bit, so all you folks who say he never loses or has to suffer for the show, you can stick a frozen condom full of turd right up your ass. And Tully took it like a god damn warlord. And what better way to segue in to a music break than scaring Jude out of the studio with promises of aggressive anal bead play? RRROOOOOOOOOTTTSS!!!! BLOODY RRRRROOOOOOOOOOTTTTTSS!!!!!!
So, COCK NEWS is probably the most important news to pay attention to, and when you hear about a man mutilating his own cock while high on mushrooms, it’s another good reminder of the importance of moderation. Of all the times I did mushrooms, I never did so many that I mangled up my cock, unless you count that one weekend I spend banging a really sweet Japanese girl while high on mushrooms for a good portion of it, but it was nothing I couldn’t bounce back from. I sure as hell didn’t grab on to the thing and rip a huge piece of it off. But the best part of this story is that the news report covering the story is fucking hilarious. So kids, I guess the most important thing to remember is to have someone babysit you if you’re gonna fuck around with hallucinogenics. They’re a whole lot of fun, but you too could end up as another horrible statistic. And in case you aren’t keeping track, John Wayne Bobbitt celebrated the 20 year anniversary today of having his dick chopped off by his wife Lorena after he came home drunk and forced himself on her. But hey, according to him it made him a better person and a better lover, so maybe it could help a few more people to have their dick hacked off and tossed in to a snowy field for police to look for in the morning. Three consecutive shithead callers called in to confirm this by showing just how fucktarded they are. Some lady called in to tell the guys that her stripper friend used to dance for Bobbitt all the time, but she would never suck it cause there was a permanent scab right across the area that it got cut, but that doesn’t mean there’s any problem taking it in the vagina, it’s not like scabs have ever caused any negative effects down there. Some dude got a job in a rock quarry while he’s in school to be a geologist, and on his most recent trip out in the wilderness by himself, he woke up alone in a tent to a bunch of lights and noises, and there were three guys hanging around in his campsite. He talked to them for a bit, and admitted that they were meth runners and were new to the area and didn’t know the area too well. They also let him know that they just slit a hooker’s throat up the road a ways and had her carcass in the back of their truck. So, dude goes back to his tent, gets a flashlight and a pocket knife and when the three guys told him they can’t let him leave there alive, he started running. He took cover behind some trees while they drove around shooting randomly trying to find him. He stumbled into a swamp and thought he lost them for a bit, but then their truck started up again. He waited all night until they left and he made it out to the road and flagged a guy down for help. The three shitheads were caught by police later and there was no hooker found in the back of their truck, nor was there any evidence that they were involved in meth trafficking. But it’s still a crime to hunt humans for sport, and this one survived, so that’s what these assholes are going away for. This story brings up a good question, how long would you survive in the wilderness with little to no supplies? Well, I was a boy scout for the better part of ten years, so I’m sure I’d be dead in a couple days, but the rest of the population could do to test themselves with this kind of thing. The outdoors are not so fucking terrible, and it teaches you to respect getting dirty and staying away from consumer electronics. The guys told stories about their travels out and about with no provisions around crazy people. Rawdog had the scariest story of the bunch, rehashing his experience of when he lost his car at Coachella last year. They bullshitted some more about folks being sketchy, and the saddle ranch and people losing their cars. Tully picked up some random lady at the Saddle ranch while he was in L.A. training for his job at the Jason Ellis show. And of course, the guys found a new world record burnout on the internet that they had to see. This of course spawned a relatively horrible idea for Ellis to eat 40 donuts. Now, even in the competitive eating world that’s a pretty tall order, but Ellis doesn’t always listen to reason, so the gauntlet was laid down. Starbucks is gonna bump their prices up some more, but i could give a fuck cause they don’t sell coffee, they sell overpriced piss water flavored ice cream. Somehow, the guys got to talking about the philosophical intricacies of hamburgers and hot dogs. Tully visited some shithole of a throw back hot dog restaurant and it was actually delicious. There was more talk about all the people who are taking advantage of Rawdog’s apartment complex lawn. Allegedly, there’s even a dude who will drive to this fucking lawn to let his kids play soccer. And Walt Disney deserves a kick in his cryogenicaly frozen dick because during world war two he tried to sell Mickey Mouse gas masks to the kids so they wouldn’t be so scared of America’s enemies. Just goes to show you, Disney has always been about the money (funny, coming from a guy who was a known anti-semite). The guys found a video of some alley in Las Vegas where homeless people are always pissing and shitting and the residents decided to take matters in their own hands and keep giant water hoses around to fuck with people who shit on their property. The guys had to get ready for a guest at this point, so after some Pantera we can figure out who they’re so pumped about seeing.
So, we just talked about shrooms a while ago, but in pot news, we learned today that Martha Stewart is a god damn joint rolling champion. The story broke because as she was driving out to some appearance, she saw two people in an ice cream truck smoking weed and said “Man, those are some sloppy joints” and then proceeded to show them how shit is supposed to be done when you an OG. Ed Hardy came by the studio to chat with the guys today. As much as I couldn’t possibly give a shit less about his clothing line, he’s done a lot more with his life than just a lot of gaudy T-shirts with way too meany sequins. He wrote a biography a little while ago and it’s being pretty well received. Ed was a tattoo artist a long time ago, back in the days of sailor Jerry and such. He talked about his history in the art world and how some dudes pressured him in to doing the whole clothing line after seeing his work in Juxtapoz magazine. He didn’t even mean to have it go thee, but he rolled with it and made a shitload of money and his name is gonna be out there for the rest of time pretty much. He’s had a pretty eventful life. He pretty much told the abridged version of his life story, the rise and fall and all that kind of stuff, although I don’t really see there being much of a fall except for all the bad press that Jersey Shore caused him. It was kind of like listening to an old guy tell stories about himself, but he actually did stuff that was interesting, not just walking to school uphill both ways in the snow over broken glass and rusty nails with dogs chasing him SEVEN FUCKING DAYS A WEEK EVEN ON CHRISTMAS WITH NO SHOES AND HUNDRED AND FIFTY DEGREE WEATHER ALL YEAR ROUND SURROUNDED BY LIONS AND GORILLAS AND SPOKESMODELS. I mean, those are the kinds of stories I used to hear anyway. Ed Hardy has done a bit more interesting stuff than that. If you feel like reading, you can probably get way more information from his book than you can from me. Overall, it was a pretty mellow, reasonable interview with a guy who’s been around a whole bunch of cool shit. Ed Hardy was there too AAOOOHHHH!!! I kid folks, it was nice chill afternoon. With the threat of forty donuts soon to be fulfilled by an Australian with no sense of self preservation, apparently.
BREAKING NEW MUSIC TUESDAY NEWS!!! Some band called Bad Things just got signed to Warner bros. and their lead guitarist is none other than Shaun “The Flying Tomato” White. The end is extremely fucking nigh, my friends. Jason does not give a fuck if you think he can’t eat 40 donuts, so the bet was made that if he could pack it all in and keep it down for half an hour, Tully would pay him a hundred bucks. And if he couldn’t, Ellis would have to make sweet 8th grade romance with one of the many great predators that has been on the show. And Shaun White’s band continued to suck in the background while they sorted it out. Ellis started eating, Rawdog got up on a perch, and Tully contemplated suicide while all this was happening, I’m sure. The guy who built the dick punching machine came in to hang out with the guys for a while. He offered to help Jason with his “accidentally buffing the pig in front of the window with no blinds” problem. But more importantly, IT’S NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First up from the perch we heard new stuff from the Transplants and I’m a huge fan of Tim Armstrong, and although Transplants have never been my favorite, they seem to be on a pretty good roll right at the moment, so definitely worth checking out more of their new album. Jason was on his fifth donut at this point, and starting to reconsider this challenge, but was interrupted by the new single from Queensryche, which came out of the gate strong but ultimately showed that hair metal will not be making the world a more radical place ever again. After that was Empire Of the Sun, which is an unfortunate strike against all the other things from Australia that are actually cool, these guys just sucked. Next up was the latest from Backstreet Boys doing what they do best, which is pushing me and all other heterosexual men away from their products with the fury of a thousand Zeuses. Next we heard Havok and it had a fucking awesome opening riff reminiscent of early eighties Metallica and the real shocker NO SHITTY COOKIE MONSTER VOICE!!! So give them a try folks. After that was something new from David Yau (or Yow? Yaow? Youuuuuu777788***/==+))^@@? No idea, he was the guy from Jesus Lizard) and it was like a shitty B-movie soundtrack, but not a good B-movie soundtrack, like a really shitty one and the movie doesn’t even have titties or any decent blood effects. It was so bad, it made Jason start puking his guts out live on the air (the donuts didn’t have anything to do with it, I’m sure). Next up was Amon Amarth and it was respectable and not as bad with the cookie monster shit as other bands, but unfortunately, they did it with real lyrics which kind of fucked the whole thing. India Arie dropped a new one, and it wasn’t too different from most of the R&B you’ll hear these days, but if you’re into that kind of thing you’ll probably enjoy it. Next from the vaults of Jewish Claws Richmond was a new one from Bass Drum of Death and it was some more of that indie shite that makes me hunt fixie bikes on the wild semi-urban streets of the south Berkeley/north Oakland part of town where all the coffee and record shops are and there’s that bicycle shop that does nothing but beach cruisers and the block of vintage clothing stores where all the employees are assholes and you can turn in five garbage bags full of clothes for a nickel and an empty pack of Camel Lights then go back the next day and find all of it on sale at prices two times higher than the shit was when you bought it new. After that was the newest track from Wale, and like most modern popular rap it was nothing worth writing home about, but it wasn’t completely terrible. Next was the solo joint from Stone Gossard, that’s right, the guy from Pearl Jam, and as a one man act he’s missing the three things that are really important to making him sound awesome: The other three guys in Pearl Jam AAOOOHHHH!!! Finally, we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week which was The White Man Dingos and it had a nice underground vibe and some interesting rhythms, could be worth trying a little more of them out. I should note at this time, that Ellis lost the bet on imbibing way too many donuts in the name of just absolute fucking idiocy and poor impulse control, so as soon as Someone can come by with an angry fucking animal to bite Jason, we can call it settled. Tully found some clip of Phil Anselmo outtakes, but before we get to that, some dude called in on acid, said he was hanging out with his dog and is driving to bang some MILF that he met on the internet. Phil was a little more entertaining than the day tripper, took a few seconds to get in to the really good gaffes, but it worked pretty nicely. Rawdog is enjoying his new perch, and it works well for the whole layout of the walk in closet the guys call home for four hours a day. There was a running of the bulls type video, but it wasn’t the official running of the bulls, just some random bull that was rampaging through the streets of Spain like a fucking BOSS and then some local took it down with his bare hands like a BOSS! Bas Rutten can’t speak Brazilian. Some guy took a shit in public and it was caught on video, but the commentary was really the gem in that video. Tully and Rawdog started Googling videos of dumb shit just to see what they could find and there could be some gems out there, internet being what it is and all. Rawdog found a clip from some Indian movie from the 60’s of a man arguing with a cow. there were some final calls and stuff, they were OK, but the public is letting me down like always. Then again, that’s probably just my fault for leaving the house and trying to involve myself with the rest of society. Tully found a video of someone using ipecac in public and it sounds like a doozy, the TV host who administered it to some random dude got yakked all over and had to pay him the money he offered for doing the stunt in the first place. The guys were somehow informed about pork coated bullets, for the anti-Islamist in all of us (god bless you hillbillies, it’s not like I got my ass kicked enough times for being white when I was a kid). Also, assholes aren’t paying taxes, but only rich assholes (SHOCKIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!) And if you didn’t already have a reason to hang yourself in a broom closet, there’s gonna be a Broadway musical based on Tupac Shakur!!! And his mom is responsible for letting it happen!!! If only Suge Knight were available on opening night to prevent this debacle from continuing!!! HELP US SUGE KNIGHT!!! The guys rapped about Ellis’ new endeavor into the art of tattooing for a little bit, something tells me it may not work out as well as he’d like but there could be some people who will have awesome stories about “that ONE tattoo” they have and that’s always a good thing to have. But it’s all in the early stages, so let’s not go making any assumptions about the outcome just yet. Seeing as the show is ending, I’d say Jason is gonna have some time to practice, so we’ll just have to wait and see.
When I was growing up, I had a friend who always came to school with an apple in his lunch. I asked him once why his mom always put an apple in his lunch and he told me “Cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away” and I told him “My mom sends me to school with an ounce of weed to go out and earn my lunch money with” and that’s when I grabbed my pen, shanked the apple right out of his hand, made a quick-shooter out of it and packed a fat nugget of some sticky-icky-icky and told my friend “This shit’ll make keeping the doctor away a lot more fun. First ones free. If you want more tomorrow, it’s gonna cost your lunch. But I’ll let you keep the apple.”
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,