Good afternoon, you fuck ugly mooks! And when I say fuck ugly I mean wonderful people, unless I’m yelling out my window in traffic, in which case you are most certainly a fuck ugly mook and have probably done something that warrants my verbal abuse. Yay verbal abuse! But more importantly, it’s time for me to enjoy my lunch and stop hating everyone for a few hours while I tell you all about the Jason Ellis show! Today’s show started with Ellis talking about how bullying is wrong, but it would be pretty sweet if people had fur, but not in the genital area. Tully just read a news story about dogsled racing in Alaska and some Russian mother fucker had a pack of dogs so hairy that the officials couldn’t test them for steroids. “Boom Boom” Mancini was at Jason’s gym again today and those two are getting to be real pals. Jason is still training his nuts off, so if you missed it the first time last year when he smacked the bitch off of Gabe Ruediger, you better not miss it this time. And in case nobody noticed, Ellis and Katie are officially an item again, and not only that but she’s also becoming an integral part of the business of Jason Ellis, like graphic design and providing poontang to the boss on occasion. Ellis was on Loveline last night, and while he always loves being there, they play too fucking many commercials. Pendarvis came in to share his experience with radio companies and how the whole commercial thing works and why terrestrial radio probably has a higher suicide rate than dentists and religious extremists combined. Which basically reaffirms the belief that SiriusXM is way better than all the other shit you could listen to. So go swing your dick around like a helicopter on top of a mountain, you’re part of the next big thing! Thomas Haden Church is gonna be in town soon, so at some point he’s gonna be back on the show and maybe the guys will take a field trip over to KROQ studios to watch Dr. Drew fight Geraldo Riviera, WHICH WOULD BE FUCKING EPIC TO SEE NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE!!! Rude Jude stopped by to hang out and talk about how SiriusXM may be the best thing in radio, but they could sure do to trickle down some money for a few more pairs of headphones in the Los Angeles studio. Jude has been seeing a German and the strong European work ethic is proving to be right about the limit of his sexual stamina. And morning sex is out of the question, cause he’s a fucking busy man. Tully on the other hand has a ferocious morning boner and would like to get it out of the way before he has anything important to do. Jason is lucky enough that he can pretty much ask and receive, just as long as nothing is immediately urgent. Jude has an OCD type thing where he has to make sure his lady get’s equal or more rocks off than he does or else he won’t even bother, cause god dammit, Jude believes in women having the right to bust a nut too. It’s hard to drop a wad when you’ve got the TV going in the background though, especially if CNN is really doing their job and you have to know what the fuck is happening in the middle east. Jason has been slowly turning into a home made soda connoisseur like Tully. He’s been mixing those Mio sugar free plus electrolyte things in with fucking Perrier, which is almost ghetto fabulous, and he does still like soul food, so his honorary black status is still in effect. Jude posed the great point that black people and rednecks have a lot in common, which is really true if you think about it. And before I go insulting black people, let me just say that whatever I say negative about the black man, it probably goes double for whitey. But it’s weird how you don’t usually see black people at a monster truck pull. Or NASCAR. Tully want’s to be a born-again pro wrestling fan. He’s got a bunch of the classics on his Netflix queue. And even Rude Jude has been known to limbo from time to time, like our old pal Rumble McTumble. And in case you missed him last time, Rude Jude will be at EllisMania again this year, so be sure to get your tolerance for pills up, there may be some excessive designer east European hallucinogens floating around the Hard Rock that weekend, IF ya know what I mean, mates. Jude proposed the idea that Jason should fight Gabe in MMA, rather than straight boxing, to which Jason basically replied “Why don’t I just smack my head into a wall until I can’t stand up anymore?” The guys rehashed old EllisMania fights and how some lady in the crowd was telling Jude last time that she would whoop Rawdog’s ass (and considering where my seats were, it might have been my girlfriend). Ellis talked about brain damage and crying in the shower and Rude Jude admitted that there was an orange juice commercial that made him sob like a bitch. And he’s all for women’s rights too, like hot women who want to punch each other in the face for entertainment purposes. Tully floated the idea to have Jude call some of his freestyle rapper friends to come down and get electrocuted while rhyming. Pendarvis came in to give the guys a rundown of all the special guests that would be appearing in the next few days and it sounds like a lot of good shit to listen to coming real soon. And if you get really successful, you should rent a helicopter so that you can drop crocodiles on people. Westboro Baptist was suggested, but I wouldn’t suppress my disdain for humanity by just focusing on one group. Robin Williams is making some fucking sitcom, and I can’t really bring myself to care cause it’s just not the same when he’s not on coke. But god damn it’s a shame what happened to Phil Hartman. These all tie together in the way that Tully was talking about financial security and how it’s better to have a good life in place to happen than have shit handed to you. There was more talk about how people are fucked up and there’s always gonna be a gap in how everyone’s treated and it’s all gonna be for some stupid superficial shit. But hey, doesn’t mean we all can’t make the best of it and party our nuts off. Just make sure you don’t go too far towards the dark side cause there might be no coming back if you end up shooting a loved one or blowing your kidneys out after a six year bender or some shit like that. Then there was some religion talk that was not all  a complete waste of time, but if you want a much better take on it, I suggest Jesus Christ: In The Name Of The Gun on jesuschristcomic.com, there’s a great moment where he has explosive diarrhea all over Adolf Hitler’s face. Or just surrender your will to the church of Tony Hawk. Basically, just don’t be an asshole and always try and make good use of your best qualities and you’ll be OK. And what better way to set up hearing Rawdog’s idea of the meaning of life than by hearing from two severely damaged people who died of unnatural causes, A la Michael Jackson overdosing and Kurt Cobain’s self inflicted gunshot wound?

So, Rawdog’s idea of the meaning of life is not 42 (as so many people would probably assume he would say), but instead he believes that there is some reason that there are humans on the planet and even if we don’t understand the “how”, we are the dominant intelligent species and we would not be here unless there is something we are supposed to accomplish. Even if it’s not in this generation, we have to put it in motion for the people of the future to do it. Step one: Learn everything from previous generations of people that you can, step two: make your own judgement about what was right or wrong or good or bad about them, and step three is to teach the future generations, so that even when we’ve been a bad example of humanity, we can let people know what not to do. Tully had to counter this by asking “what is it that people are actually supposed to accomplish?” to which Rawdog responded by talking about aliens and colonizing other planets, much as we all probably figured he would. Some guy called in to relate it to another theory he read about, and Josh started talking about how it’s impossible to know if we’re really living in The Matrix, but it’s totally possible because on the sub-sub-sub-sub-atomic level, everything looks like an old school computer game. And why the fuck do people need to make bread in laboratories nowadays anyhow? It should just be bread and be fucking tasty as a side to pretty much every dish you can make, and be great for putting stuff inside of to make sandwiches, how come everything’s gotta be a fucking experiment? The guys took some phone calls on everything they’ve been talking about and the first and best one was a guy who called and said “I just called because what the fuck?” The guys talked about some old stunts they did on the radio a couple years ago and they traced the meaning of life down to ol’ Shiny Shins fucking up the Matrix when he deletes all their old sound drops. But on the plus side, WE GOT TO HEAR WHAT PENDARVIS’ FIRST NAME IS AND IT’S NOT WILLIAM IT’S WILSON!!! So shout the fuck out to WILSOOOOOONNNN!!!! Pendarvis. And apparently there’s a scene in the movie Castaway where Tom Hanks just keeps screaming “WILSON” so the guys left that playing as long as they possibly could and it just didn’t stop being funny. The T-shirt contest was extended for a few days to give the rest of the contenders a shot at runner up status and at least a little of the glory. And lest we forget, it’s Dimebag Darrel’s birthday today, so tip that half gallon of vodka you were washing down your lunch with and pour one out for the homies. Some kid is on a YouTube video driving a mini dirt race car and getting buttery as fuck all over the track. The official Twitter of Loveline asked Ellis if he could possibly setup the bare knuckled Geraldo beating, and I for one could not be more excited to see this happen. SO if Ellis or any of the staff are reading this ridiculous fucking drivel that has little to no purpose other than a fun hobby for a bunch of fans of a radio dhow, I implore you, GET ELLIS TO SET UP THE GERALDO FIGHT!!! We also got to listen to the guys watching a video of the worst karate demo ever where the instructor couldn’t even break a board but he sure did knock it out of someone’s hands into a little girl’s head. And in Geraldo fighting news, some guy who’s relative does a bit of work for Geraldo, said he would pass along the message that the pain train is about to come non stop to the side of that fucking mustache. The guys took a phone call from the lady who runs EllisMania.com to sort out some more details on how the T-shirt contest is gonna work in the second round, and this one is all about what the fans vote for, so go put all your little thumbs up on the design that you might actually wear on facebook.com/ellismania. There was some talk about having Tera Patrick fight Ruby Renegade, and I’m sure there’s a few thousand future erections that would love for that to happen. The guys took some phone calls about shit, some dude watched a Bret Hart documentary, and some lady called for something or other, somebody floated the idea to have two big humongous mother fuckers fight each other at EllisMania and then promise to lose X amount and fight each other again at the next one, and some other shit as well. Ellis has been drinking a lot of those coffee smoothies he came up with a little while ago, and has probably gotten really regular. It may be a bad time to try and tell him that you can totally freebase instant coffee, but he’s been training as hard as he can lately. The guys kicked around more ideas about who Tera Patrick could fight cause apparently it’s gonna be the most important fucking thing ever if she shows up. One idea was a round robin three way fight between Rawdg, Tera and Nick Swardson which would possibly be some fun shit to see. Then Ellis suggested having her fight three dudes all tied together, and naming it “The Tera-dactyl fight.” Some guy called to talk to “EllisMania” and said he had been on hold for two months, and then when they told him to ask his question he went silent and was hung up on, so apparently his problems weren’t that important, but important enough to spend eight weeks listening to the on hold music of Swinghouse Studios. More Tera Patrick fight ideas started flowing, such as eight guys with their hands bound getting patched up, and if she can’t knock them down she has to start taking clothes off, and even more future erections are cheering in approval of this idea. And someday there will be a dude hanging upside down from the rafters getting the piss knocked out of him at EllisMania, and the townspeople will rejoice.

So, a new poll from Business Insider has asked Americans in every state to make it public just how much they hate people in the other states, further bolstering 237 years of the government keeping it’s citizens divided so they’ll always have an “enemy” that will convince them they need to buy stuff (cause really, why the hell else would Business Insider need to do this but to keep the rich rich?). Long and short of it, America’s most favorite state is California and the least favorite is Texas. The best food comes from New York and the worst is in Alaska which is really just an STD that we got from Canada (Yeah, I said it, bitches). The state with the ugliest residents is Alabama and the hottest are from California (Booyaakashaaaaaaa but our sales tax and cost of living is ridicuous and we’re at best number 48 in school spending and number 2 or 3 in prison spending, but who the fuck is counting really). The drunkest state in America is Louisiana, and I’m not sure why that’s an achievement but congratulations. Minnesota is the friendliest state but that’s only because it’s actually part of Canada where manners and poutine are king. The most arrogant state is New York (Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking). The smartest state is Massachusetts and the dumbest bunch of people you know probably have relatives in Mississippi, so the stupid and the ugly can happily breed with each other in their little pocket of swamp lands away from the rest of us attractive intelligent people. And what state does America wish it could get rid of like a torn, cum stained pleather couch covered in scabies? That’s right, it’s Texas, with California coming in a close second. And California also got an honorable mention for being the most overrated (see anti-establishment rant above and then do some fucking research and tell me I’m wrong, avocados aren’t worth a 9.5% sales tax and a high school diploma that won’t even get me into a college in THIS FUCKING STATE but I’m not mad or nothing). The most underrated state however is Oregon, and people are probably only saying that cause they watch way too much Portlandia on IFC. But fuck all that noise, cause we can all come together to hate a bunch of other noise commonly referred to as NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! And to start it off, let’s all hear the newest one from Watain, which is Rawdog’s pick of the week. It was also not completely terrible for a new metal track, which wasn’t completely shit on by a vocalist doing the cookie monster voice. Perfect segue for the new track by John Mayer, which will make all your girlfriends wish you treated them better like he would, cause he’s such a sensitive soulful mother fucker, you know he’d make you cum at least a dozen times before he even thought about finishing cause that’s the kind of romantic sexual respect he just has oozing out of every single orifice on his fucking body. After that was a band called No Age which was not too different from most of the indie shite that seams to be completely mainstream despite how hard they always try not to be, and seeing as how hipsters are becoming the new norm, I for one am welcoming nuclear holocaust with arms wide open, more so than Scott Stapp from Creed in that shitty song they did. Next up was A$ap Ferg, one of the guys in A$ap Rocky’s crew, who’s branching out and doing a solo project that is not terrible but impossible to pick out of a crowd of other rap music that isn’t particularly noteworthy. Next one down the pipe was some Norwegian teenager named Lorde who is biting HARD off of Adele’s style like she’d been locked in a basement and it was the first piece of bread that’s been thrown down the stairs in two weeks. After that was a guy named Tai Seagal (I hope to fuck it’s no relation to Steven Seagal, but then again he was married to two people in two counties at the same time, while helping expand Russia’s immortality research department) and it was a stripped down version of his normal garage rock stuff, like if a shitty action star decided to change up his normal blues type stuff and do a prog rock album. And the award for best band name goes to the next group showcased today, Diarrhea Planet, with a new one from their album I’m Rich Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, proving that they are fucking rock stars to the very core of their beings, the only problem is that the song was like an entire galactic body made of liquid feces. Next up was one of the guy’s from Odd Future’s solo project, Earl Sweatshirt, proving that nerd rap isn’t going anywhere, unless heroin is involved. And if that wasn’t your thing, you might like Flashgod Apocalypse, bringing us more of the slow building, over orchestrated metal that is a little too epic to be reproduced continuously, and then COOKIE MONSTERING OVER A FUCKING SWEET ASS OPENING RIFF LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET REVENGE ON SOMEONE FOR GIVING YOU HEPATITIS but it’s cool cause when you’re in the record store, it’s not set up like Ikea so you don’t have to stop and look at every god damn thing even though you came there for something else. And in case you were about to have an aneurysm out of sheer anticipation, there’s a new record from the band Travis, proving that four men can all have one collective vagina that doesn’t ever stop bleeding. After that we heard the newest from Superchunk, and if you miss the 90’s here’s a decent little taste of what everybody was into back when we couldn’t figure out what to wear and everything sucked and Brittany Murphy probably wasn’t a cokehead yet but she sure was charming as the tomboy grunge rocker in Clueless. Finally, we got a taste of the newest one from Jimmy Buffet, and I get the feeling that he hasn’t left Margaritaville in quite some time. Tully heard some story about Justin Bieber and Michael Jackson are working on a collaboration, and I think Justin may be confused about making it work out seeing as MJ died like four years ago, but Bieber can smoke a fucking dick and slit his throat with his next platinum album and it wouldn’t slow down my day for a second. Some guy called in to see what he should do about some ex that he’s obsessing over and pretty much everyone can agree to just get over it and if she was really that much of a bitch then why waste all that mental energy on it? And if you need help doing that, I suggest banging one of her friends. It totally works, trust me.

I bet you never thought you’d hear a news story about a Hollywood celebrity doing something strange, but it’s a lot more common than you might think, so how about some Hollywood news? The lead singer of the band The Calling is claiming he was abducted, beaten and robbed after playing a festival in Michigan and they demanded his “Hollywood Money” and they only held back from shooting him in the face when he told them he was gonna be having  kid soon, but he did get pretty well roughed up, lost a tooth, concussion, broke his lower back getting tossed out of a van, and probably won’t be making any late nineties one hit love jams tailor made for a teen romantic comedy anytime soon. In light of this incident, Tully floated the idea that there should be a council of good musicians to come together and start regulating the amount of absolute donkey shit that makes it onto the radio today and have Metallica be their hit squad, which I would totally be in favor of. Lilly Tomlin is a raging lesbian and finally got around to marrying her girlfriend of 42 fucking years, and seeing as most marriages don’t even last that long, I say kudos to any two women who can put up with each other that long and still want to take their relationship to a new level. Sean “Diddy” “Puffy” “Puff Daddy” P. Diddy” Combs recently got sued by another unpaid intern who doesn’t quite seem to understand that an intern IS AN UNPAID POSITION WHERE YOU DO ABSOLUTE SHIT WORK THAT IS BORING AND MENIAL AND DOES NOT PROVIDE MUCH EXPERIENCE OTHER THAN SHOWING UP ON TIME AND LISTENING TO DIRECTIONS WHICH IS STILL A HIGHLY UNDERVALUED SET OF SKILLS THAT PEOPLE AREN’T BEING TAUGHT ENOUGH OF THESE DAYS (and I’m one to talk cause I actually overslept and showed up to work an hour and a half late today, but that’s beside the point) AND IF YOU EXPRESS THESE SKILLS WELL THEN YOU GET A GOOD RECOMMENDATION AND POSSIBLY A PAID POSITION AFTER YOUR INTERNSHIP IS COMPLETED but hey job skills are pointless to teach, right? Any dickhead can become famous, just look at the Sham-Wow guy. Chris Brown was recently sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service, but will probably never do it cause he’s rich, but much like that shitty sweater that grandma made you every Christmas with the mismatched arms that was either too big or too small and the neck hole was way the fuck off center, it’s the thought that counts. And Olivia Newton-John had another dead body found at her house this weekend, in an apparent suicide committed by a contractor while working on her house. And as an interesting sidebar, the house that he shot himself in was in the process of being sold to Rosie O’Donnell. Scott Storch is a pretty well known hip-hop producer from a few years back, and recently he got robbed outside of a hotel in New York, which is what happens when you spend a bunch of years doing cocaine to the point where you don’t keep money in the bank and your famous for being a fiend and going bankrupt and now you carry your money around in a briefcase very similar to people who have all of their worldly possessions neatly cataloged in a train of shopping carts. And Dick Van Dyke fell asleep at the wheel in traffic on he 101 yesterday and the Jaguar he was “driving” started to catch on fire while he was in it, and wouldn’t have made it out alive if it weren’t for a friendly fellow motorist, which is just about fucking impossible to find in rush hour traffic in LA on the 101. And LA is gonna be getting a new football team, officially owned by KISS! And they will be: The Los Angeles KISS. I kinda wish they would have bout the Raiders back from Oakland, but you can’t pick how everyone else is gonna waste their money. And the MTV Video Music Awards are gonna be happening this weekend and in honor of Justin Timberlake’s lifetime achievement award, N*sync might just do a reunion show. Some phone calls came through and my wish for an Armageddon level plague to thin the herd is just as strong as it ever was. There were a couple of movies that came out this weekend that were pretty fucking terrible and their opening weekend profits are starting to reflect that.Hopefully this sends enough of a message that Hollywood needs to step their game up or porn is gonna be the only movies worth watching. On a lighter note though, the Steve Jobs movie got pretty well shat on by the public, so that makes me feel all tingly in my favorite parts. A guy called in to volunteer his brother for that fat dude weight loss fight, and sounds like an honestly concerned family member trying to get his relative some motivation to make some good moves in his life. Some dude called in and said he hung out with Jason Bieber at a house party but he sounded like kind of a tard and probably didn’t actually get too close to him except to hand him a beer and say hi if he even met the guy at all. Some more people called in to give more people who work at AT&T a reason to stop working so hard to keep everyone in contact with each other. The guys talked about how interns are probably being ungrateful as all fuck, but at the same time corporations are relying on them too much when they could just hire entry level employees who would kind of cost them less in the long run and be good for the economy. Rawdog admitted that he kind of scammed the system when he was an intern and got college credit for working at Sirius even though he went to school 6 hours north because one of his professors helped him fill out the paperwork. Then three shitheads talked back and forth to each other for about ten seconds and some guy called Rawdog a bitch for thinking that people might want to get paid for working. Bruce lee music aaaaaaaannnnddddddd……Done.

In all the lessons I’ve been taught, the most important was the one my friend Pat Wright told me. He said: We all enter this world naked, screaming and covered in someone else’s blood so why should the fun end there?

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Am I the only one that thinks we should add another month on at the end of the year so that we can have 13/13/13? I mean, it would make so many douchebag rockabilly guys really happy and there would be so many knuckle tattoos commemorating the date for really stupid reasons, I think it just needs to happen. Anyways, grab a seat and something to eat and shut the fuck up and put your mother fucking hands where I can see ’em and grab your ankles and don’t you fucking scream or I’ll fucking slit that pretty little throat of yours, it’s RECAP TIME!!! Today’s show started with Jason telling us that we should all give ourselves a pat on the back for being awesome and just sit and enjoy it for a while. Jason is still training for the rematch with Gabe Ruediger and is feeling faster and stronger and less like a forty year old washed up skateboarder every day. Dingo was in the studio being his normal awesome self. Jason told him how much he would like to fornicate with Dingo’s life schedule. The guys got into a conversation about how Siri is a dishonest cunt, much like many other Apple products, but since they’re going to be raising their own army soon to overthrow Google, it’s probably a moot point. Dingo started feeling things he wasn’t prepared for when Jason decide to do the radio shirtless, and it just got creepier from there. @TheDingoInSnow compared Ellis to Benji Madden, which pretty much cements just what type of friends he would like to be. Jason even got to talk about training with his therapist, who has every normal right to ask questions when a patient comes in with a black eye. But luckily, that eye is still good enough to enjoy the living piss out of Game Of Thrones, and lately he’s been doing just that. I haven’t gotten into it and I don’t read cause that shit is for pansies, but it sounds like it was probably pretty epic. Last night while watching a little G.O.T., Ellis was about to go to sleep and heard a loud noise. He checked to see what it was and there were two guys sitting in an SUV parked across his driveway. Somebody came and needed to get into the parking lot and needed these guys to move, and when they did, they parked right up on that shit and started having a pow-wow with these guys with “Eye of the Tiger” blasting out the windows of his Prius. Then one of them started stretching like he was about to start break dancing or some shit and Ellis was starting to wonder if they wanted him to come down and try their own version of one of the scenes from West Side Story, and J wasn’t having that shit cause he’s got a job and needs to get some shut-eye. So Jason called the cops to have them move these guys along and the operator was really shocked that some fifty year old fat guy was doing calisthenics in front of an apartment building with eighties power montage music going. Long story short, the guy was just waiting to pick somebody up and when they came down, the whole troop went on their merry way. Dingo recently made the news because he was drunk as fuck and a friend of his who used to regularly book Kevin Federline for gigs (although there’s really no reason why anybody should, ever) and when they went back to the suite to make some wedding they were supposed to be at, K-Fed is standing in the hall near the room and there was a small group of folks all gathered for the ceremony who saw Dingo in his boardshorts and sunglasses three sheets to the wind just fuckin’ parting his nuts off like he normally does. But the kicker is that K-Fed had a speech that wouldn’t fucking end and was all of the cheesiest shit that might have kept Britney around if she wasn’t nuttier than a jar of chunky Jif. Jokes on all of us though, cause Federline is still collecting child support of her. Pendarvis stepped in with a story he read about the kind of ridiculous expenses that he claims to get that paycheck that every other divorced man prays for until the day they die. The guys talked off road trucks for a bit, cause old friend Ricky Carmichael is gonna be in the torque series trying to make a name for himself as the GOAT of another dirt and gasoline sport. There was more talk of Wolf Wipes: the wipes that take the bite out of dropping a deuce. Rawdog explained what Kickstarter is to Ellis so that he might try and get some donations to make it happen, but Jason decided to keep it oldschool and start the company from the bottom. Then everybody started throwing around theories about how Ken Block takes care of his butthole, and it was generally agreed that there’s no way he’s treating that thing with any less respect than it deserves. The guys talked about energy drinks for a while and how fucking lame it is that Monster sponsors everybody’s friends but not the Ellis Show. This led to talk about how the energy drink game is kind of like the new Nike, spreading the sponsorship so all the kids think they can be better at their sport of choice by using their product, and since not as many kids are into the normal sports these days, the reins are being passed to all the “extreme” guys cause that’s the kind of people who want to be pumped full of caffeine and B-vitamins. And the energy drinks have made it so that pro skaters and dirt bike riders can’t be anything without it, which is probably why ESPN is letting the X-Games turn to shit. It’s also probably why all the major sports are becoming less major, what with general interest dying off despite all the sponsors dumping more and more money into it. Not to mention that more and more people are finding out that it’s not that interesting to watch people stand in a field for four and a half hours chewing tobacco and trying not to let their muscles atrophy. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t get your kids in to sports, just make sure they’re doing they’re homework and shit too. Ellis got to spar next to Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini today, I’ve never heard the name but apparently he’s a big deal in the boxing world, so if you’ve been following that sport for a while I’m sure you’d be happy to hang out with that guy too. He’s in great shape too, considering his age and his record, 29 and 5 out of a total 34 fights. The guys talked football and shit for a while after this, and I’ve never been into it so I was kinda tuned out, but it was nicer background noise than the all R&B and Disco channel that my laziest shit head of a mechanic insists on playing through the shop stereo even though no one else wants to hear it. We heard stories of how awesome it feels to accomplish really awesome shit that you didn’t think your body could do and how golf is still gonna be the athletic equivalent to Nazi Germany until hell freezes over. And Tully’s parents grew up to be lazy drunks, so they’ll never know how to do a frontside boneless over the spine. And while we’re talking sports, cheer leading isn’t one. It’s all run by one big corporation that answers to no one and they just want to take your money and turn your teenage daughters into sex objects. But, hey what the fuck would I know, right? It’s not like all this shit is well documented or anything. The guys played around with Siri for a bit to see if it could buy EllisMania tickets and it sure enough, it’s not completely worthless. Prefect time for the guys to regroup while Creedence tells us about being Born on the Bayou…

So, a guy got arrested for burglarizing a house, but didn’t realize that the guy he was trying to rob was a retired boxer, so he pretty much got his ass kicked by an old man and ended up in the klink because of it. Couldn’t possible be worse than NEW MUSIC TUESDAY THOUGH!!! And to start with, we heard a verse from Kendrick Lamar, some people are saying it’s the best thing all year, I personally couldn’t give a fuck about your autotuned knob slobbing fest where you call out every other rapper for doing pretty much the same thing that you’re doing. If it was all that good, it would have been a whole song, not just a verse on someone else’s mixtape. After that was the new Katy Perry single which didn’t make me change my opinion about her kind needing to be exterminated. Next we heard the new one from Lady GaGa and I still want to strangle a toddler every time she gets a new song played on the radio (but Tully made an awesome Missing Persons joke for all the eighties kids and that made me smile). After we all finished having our period, we got to hear the new one from Luke Bryan and if you haven’t tried to romance a twice removed relative down by the crick in the back of your dad’s pickup truck, this should put you in the mood to do it. And an old “friend” of the show Aubrey O’day released an album that made me wish about six million AND ONE Jews (I’m pointing a finger at a particular one) had died in the holocaust (and I know that’s really tasteless, but that’s what kind of day I’m having). After that was some elevator music shit that was not worth mentioning but still made it’s way on this segment (SUR-FUCKING-PRISE). Next was a band called Sembla and it was very Scandinavian, but not in the awesome viking way, more like the “what the fuck is wrong with northern Europe?” way. Jason brought back the dick punching machine and it was a well earned treat for the rest of us. Then we got a taste of the new one from Vegan Bot and like most animal rights activists, it’s a noble cause executed very poorly. But hey, I’m sure Tupac is having a great time spinning in his grave. Next up was a new track from Nine Inch Nails and it may not be what the purists like, but it wasn’t too bad, so first good find this week. Nice work Tussin Wolf. After that was Avichi (spellcheck my freshly shaven asshole) and if you like all the people that are ripping off Paul Simon, Mumford and Sons, Neutral Milk Hotel, and every other indie mother fucker that doesn’t want to be famous but insists on making sure you know who they are, then go cop this album and stick it up your ass the flat way so you can sit on top of your CD player and spin yourself into a turbulent vomit spraying death. Then we heard the new side project from the singer of Dream Theater and at this point I was about ready to start a pit against the side of Rawdog’s head, so it fit the moment perfectly. Finally, we got the pick of the week which was Deltron 3030 and if you like hip hop that takes some effort and intelligence to make instead of one famous friend with a voice modulator, then you ought to like this one. The guys took some calls on a wide range of topics, like moto, and marketing your own ass cleaning rags, and all Jason’s favorite shows on TBS, and why fourteen year olds should NEVER be listening to the show, especially when they could be going to school or cleaning their rooms, and cum rags and more about Wolf Wipes and moisturizing your anus cause god dammit it feels majestic, and having Ellis’ penis inside of people, and some other shit too. Some guy called in to prove that he is obviously one of those fans that only listens once every two weeks and never takes full advantage of the replays or on demand or NoYouAre.lixlink.com and it was funny hearing him get shit on. Which makes it a great time to hear some Johnny fucking Cash and remember why we should give him a reason to wear something a little more festive.

That was a “Man in Black” joke and I really hope I’m not the only one who got it.

Fuck the kids.

So, there’s a company called Darts motors, and in case you don’t remember, a couple years ago the boys found a news story about this company using whale foreskin to upholster the interiors of the cars they built, and some fruit nut and granola hippie got her fucking dreadlocked pubes all up in a bundle over this, so they came up with a synthetic whale foreskin to use instead. But recently, this company has gotten back in the news because Kanye mother fucking west is gonna be mounting a car seat in one of these vehicles, and each one is a $1.2 million armored high performance SUV. So really, fuck your problems, Kanye needs his baby to be swaddled in whale cock and be safe from a rolling IED. And what’s more, he needs two of these fucking monstrosities. And remember when Oprah went to Switzerland and tried to look at a $38,000 purse and the clerk told her she “probably couldn’t afford it”? Well, according to another guy at the store, Oprah is a DISHONEST CUNT and I’m really happy someone said it so that nobody can call me any names when I say it. Fuck the OWN network taking up space on my DirecTV channel lineup that could have perfectly good softcore porn or unedited BBC shows that don’t have the best 20 minutes cut out once it’s a rerun. And while we’re at it why the fuck am I paying so much for TV when 30 of my 145 channels are just different incarnations of the home shopping network? AND THE RELIGION CHANNELS?!?!?! I’VE BEEN DVR’ING ACTION MOVIES AND TEEN SEX COMEDIES AND EIGHTIES HORROR AND SCI-FI FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS AND YOU MOTHER FUCKERS THINK I NEED TWELVE DIFFERENT WAYS TO WATCH THE 700 CLUB?!?!?! *Ahem* but let’s ignore my issues, Tully wants to fuck Oprah and I sure hope he records it and makes it the creepiest slam session ever caught on film. Tully of course has thought it out long and hard and wants a really romantic environment that would satisfy the Oprah physically and mentally, much the way he wants to. I mean, it’s like a little girls wedding fantasy the way he had this shit all planned out. But the most important thing is that it would make him feel manly to make her cum, and god dammit that’s not weird, that makes you a real fucking man. Rawdog on the other hand, wouldn’t do it unless he could make her try his 7 inches and get drunk on dick on top of a pile of money, which would also make him a real man cause who the fuck doesn’t want to do that to somebody? Soulja boy got booted off an airplane cause he refused to sit down and kept pacing up and down the aisle fucking with one of the overhead bins. But lucky for him, he can just do the Super Man and get wherever he needs to go. Pendarvis almost got kicked off of a plane this weekend too when his kid had to sit way up at the other end of the plane and no one would trade seats with a glorious pair of shins. I’m gonna be taking a few plane rides in the near future and as long as some old lady doesn’t insist on asking me questions for five hours or some uppity cunt of a flight attendant doesn’t start harassing me about having my seat reclined a half a degree then I should have no problems. Of course, Rawdog had to go plug the shit out of that new bullet train that they’re planning to build between LA and SF, and while it may ease some traffic on the grapevine and free up a few spots in the airport, it would make more people think they need to migrate here and our traffic is fucked up enough as it is. Lindsay Lohan is in a movie that is only in one theater in America, and no one is going to see it, and that’s a shame cause this is her big break into softcore porn, which will eventually lead her into hardcore porn, which you’ve all wanted to see her in for years anyway because apparently nobody remembers that she was in that remake  of The Parent Trap when she was like twelve and now that image is gonna haunt you every time you try and find all the stills of her naked on the internet from this movie so that you can snap a quick one off before you go visit your mom. And Amanda Bynes missed a court date and started crying uncontrollably about how fucked up shit is for her lately, and the fact that she’s crying is good cause people with real mental problems don’t have emotions the same way others do, so maybe she’s getting at least a little help. But fuck all that, Rob Dyrdek is making another TV show and that’s the most important thing that’s happened in the last few days, so you can just tune out of everything else now. There were some more phone calls about relationship stuff and whether you should let your girlfriend’s angry fucking attack dog watch when you’re busting her gash open. Personally, I’d just be glad it’s not a horse hanging out in the corner waiting for shit to happen. Things could get way worse than a few dog bites, if ya know what I mean.

Some dude wanted to talk some shit about the show on twitter, but was proven to be a dumbass. But more importantly, the guys have been getting a lot of submissions for the chance to sing with Death!Death!Die! live at the Hard Rock at EllisMania 9. They took a few minutes to judge some of them and see if they were any good. But first, they spent a little more time talking about being Oprah’s trophy husband and making her walk around the house in a dog collar and using her as a foot stool but still being a good enough guy to kill spiders and snuggle with her when it’s all stormy out. And about blackmailing her when you catch her face first in the trough gorging herself at three in the morning like a donkey eating a toaster waffle. But back to shitheads singing on Instagram for a shot at five minutes of crowd admiration at the Hard Rock. The reigning Lil’ Miss Ellis sent in quite a few and some of them were pretty good, but no conclusion on him being picked just yet. Another guy named Zach sang us some Pain of time and it was pretty god damn good. I’m sure there’s more but there’s plenty of time to find a winner. Tully started Ellis and Dingo off on a game to see how much they knew about history. First up, the Berlin Wall. Today is the anniversary of the ground breaking of the Berlin Wall. Dingo and Ellis both are not college graduates, so they had to spend a few minutes arguing about what the wall actually was and Dingo was a little closer to correct. And Charles Darwin was a guy who either gave lobotomies or might have been a pilot or something, or maybe he wrote a book about the royal family. Or maybe he came up with the theory of evolution, but it took a really long time for anybody in the room who didn’t know to figure out. The industrial revolution is when people started making music like Nine Inch Nails and Ministry and Thrill Kill Kult. But also, there was a bunch of wars about steel and aluminum and shit. The first Thanksgiving is when a bunch of pilgrims massacred a bunch of natives and then had a big feast to celebrate. And that was kind of the uneducated joke answer that Jason gave, but it’s also kind of the truth in a roundabout way, so to-MAY-to, to-MAH-to. Galileo was the dude from that Queen song that they sang at the beginning of Wayne’s World. He also loves house music and garlic bread. He might have also gone to war with the Spanish, or possibly Mexicans, but he was also a scientist who came up with the theory that the earth revolves around the sun. He also invented the back shaver. George Washington is not just on the one dollar bill, but he was not the first president, he has been the cause of lots of confusion whenever people say that they are from Washington and you have to ask if they mean the one up north or D.C. He also only served one presidential term and he killed werewolves. Leonardo DaVinci cut off his ear so he had to wear earmuffs, but then he invented headphones so that he could look cool and listen to music while he was out and about. Then the guys just brushed off that lame history shit when everyone dressed all fruity and lame and decided to take some phone calls. They were not as bad as a lot of the usual faire, but nothing too surprising or noteworthy. It was however, not a bunch of uncatalogued organ donors being let out of the pen to play with the talk box, so that actually was better than normal by quite a bit.

Back in my day, there used to be a kid in our neighborhood who would always wander around by himself, even late at night. One night, I saw him out my bedroom window and called out to him. I asked him what he was doing and he pulled his lower lip down and said “turnin’ rocks into gold, whatchoo want?” And I pulled out my chrome .45 and told him “I want everything in your pockets and I want you to never work my block again. Shit on lock out here, BIATCH!”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,

Ahoy fucksticks, it’s me again, here to lay waste to your mum’s butthole with a colon scorching recap of everything awesome that happened on the Jason Ellis show this afternoon! Right out of the gate, Jason was talking about how internet pop-up ads are about as good for the world as an island of tiger feces in the Atlantic Ocean, and equally good for an afternoon radio show when the co-host is trying to prime a video for an upcoming segment. But more importantly, he’s been getting the most out of therapy and training to butt fuck Gabe Rudiger’s soul again on October 12th at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. And he’s come to the realization that the show doesn’t need to be huge to be good. He’s been coming to grips with the fact that no matter how awesome you are, everybody get’s old and you can’t go full sick cunt forever, but you can be pretty fucking close for a good long time. Couldn’t do any harm to wear a helmet for most of it though, brain damage on a super high level doesn’t work out well for anybody. Plus, not drooling all over yourself in a wheelchair for the rest of your life means you can hang out with your kids, and if you actually like your kids then that’s probably a good thing too. But no matter what, you should be pushing yourself to the absolute max, till you’re shitting blood and bleeding shit, or something like that. And maybe don’t spend as much time on the couch as you were originally planning on. So, long story short, I think Ellis is having a good day. There was more talk of the old skating days and pushing yourself to be the James Brown of whatever it is you want to be, and other things along those lines. Tully’s wife has been out of town and just recently got back so he can have some free time to hang out with somebody other than Linsanity and maybe an open morning to go get that whole “yeasty cock hole” thing checked out. Dingo is still hungover from X-Games this weekend, but he went out for some runny eggs and a shitload of coffee and should be back to being a radical dude in no time, thanks in part to Ellis leaving a message on his phone as Dingo’s mum. Jason was thinking of calling up Ken Block’s wife to fuck with her after his X-Games defeat, but decided against it cause that would probably be a real asshole move. But if Tanner Faust want to take over being Ken Block the world would welcome him with open arms (check out Gymkhana 6, live in the streets of St. Louis, Missouri, cause why the fuck not?). The guys took some calls and stuff and some of it was OK, like a guy suggesting skate videos to watch on YouTube, and how street skaters may not get hurt as much but they’re probably working the shit out of that board on a whole different level from vert guys. Some guy called to say thanks to Ellis for starting the show off on a good note and giving him the kick in the ass he needed to pull some shit off, and it’s been a while since one of those real good thank you calls came through. The guys at CMT called Ellis to let him pitch his TV show and much like Jason, I’m shocked that CMT want’s anything to do with him, not cause he’s a bad guy but because WHAT THE FUCK DOES COUNTRY MUSIC TELEVISION WANT WITH THE WING?!?!??!! It just defies logic. I mean, this is the network that has a reality show about fat cops, called Fat Cops (the victory is right there in the title). Some dude named Blair called in and since his name is Blair I’m just gonna say his dad was pussy whipped and move on. The guys talked TV pitches and how the man is really a bitch and all that kind of stuff. Pendarvis came back today and his shins are still fucking fantastic. You know who’s shins are beyond fucked up though? Dog and Beth Chapman, and what better place to put them under a spotlight than CMT! WHHHOOOoooooooo yeah, get it up ya! Tully has been watching just enough TV to know that humanity is doomed and I have to side with him on that, but specifically he was watching Piers Morgan give us his opinion of why the whole A-Rod steroid scandal is just one of many parts of the downfall of society. Now, I know that society is going down the shitter cause we keep letting stupid people breed, but we’re not exactly being better people if we just start imprisoning and executing them, so there’s not much we can do but let Darwinism bide it’s time for a few more generations. There was more phone calls and stuff, bunch of people talking about how great it feels to be a sick cunt and get things done. Ellis has noticed that his daughter is growing up and finally starting to really be a girl. He’s getting really excited about beating up her future boyfriends though. Nothing like fucking up some smart ass kids day for trying to get next to a member of your family. The guys talked about how much you should all love the new Jason Ellis channel and how hard the faction crew works to make it happen, even though most of the SiriusXM crew are a shitload of corporate mother fuckers. And how everybody gets their shows promo’d on other channels but nobody is doing shit to hype the wing. The guys kicked around ideas for Jason’s new CMT show, basically they’re thinking that he’s gonna have to play the Aussie angle and build his own Thunderdome where Tony Hawk can slap people with handfuls of money and bring shock collar boxing to a bigger audience. Or maybe have some of the famous friends of the show like Pink and Benji Madden come down and destroy everybody’s self esteem when they try to sing in the Thunderdome. Or feed some adrenaline junkie hillbillies to a shark or some other such shit. I’m sure they’ll figure out some truly awesome ideas and it’ll be enough to trump the amount of stupid crap that normally fills the TV airwaves.

So, as we all know, Rawdog is not an authority on X-Games or action sports in general, or for that matter most things that exist in the world that the majority of the population has some level of knowledge about. But he does definitely stand behind his bullshit. And we all know that Tully sure can read a news story like it’s nobody’s fuckin’ business, like the one about a guy in Connecticut that’s in jail right now for driving a laming truck without a front tire for about fifteen miles. If I had to take a guess, I’d have to believe either alcohol or crystal meth was involved, but whatever it was it sounds like a party. Oh, and homeboy was driving through bushes and hanging out the window cause his windshield was smashed, so if that guy is free any time soon, we should party. Some guy called n to tell everybody how he fought a raccoon the other day and THE MOTHER FUCKER DIDN’T GO DOWN AFTER THE FIRST SHOT AND TOOK SEVEN MORE BEFORE IT FINALLY HIT THE GROUND AND STAYED THERE! That’s one gangsta’ ass raccoon. I lived with some friends for a couple years and we had raccoons living in the ceiling, that was a trip. We’d wake up hearing them fighting or fucking or whatever it is that raccoons do. Another guy called in to tell the story of how his friend got drunk and crashed his car into a tree and drove all the way home on his fucked up car with no front wheels. Let’s all just pull back on driving flaming cars with no wheels, that hit could get a little hectic, especially don’t do it during rush hour. Pendarvis came in at this point (and what better time to do it) to start off another wonderful round of YOU SIR ARE A MORON!!! First topic, would you rather be able to sleep well at night, or not be able to smell anything? I can say from experience, my sense of smell is pretty much shot, and when I get to bed at a reasonable hour it’s not a bad time, I’d kind of like both, but I’m not gonna kill myself over either one being removed from my life. So HUNTINGTON BEACH BAD BOY, YOU SIR ARE A MORON! Anyways, next question, when do you think there will be a war fought on American soil? And I’m sure we’re not talking about the war on drugs, or the war on black people’s success, or the war against the poor, or the war on media piracy, or the war on women’s rights, or the war on good TV, or the war on my god damn webcam working so that I can have a video fap-session with my hot ass Canadian girlfriend, or any of the other things we’re constantly doing with American money that could be much better spent wiping our asses with it b the handful, I think we’re talking about an actual war. Ellis thinks it’s probably never gonna happen, but more than that he just would prefer not to think about it cause it sucks being paranoid about shit. Tully does seem to think that if the war on drugs as to escalate, there might be troops marching down the streets in east Oakland taking out pretty much everybody with baggy pants and a 98 Buick on some 24’s. Ellis accidentally found an intro button for cum on your shit news and I’d love to see what they could do with that segment. Rawdog thinks that probably in about a hundred years the corporations will be fighting wars more than nations will, and it might happen here. Careful folks, Apple VS Google is gonna be a mother fucker when it finally starts poppin’ shots off. This one went way further, with Rawdog going really deep into his theory that Apple might actually be able to topple a developed country like England and in fifty years they’ll be bringing in enough money to out spend America. Next question, what will you tell your kids about drinking and drugs Ad the general consensus was that they’re great and people will like you more and you’ll have more fun with it, so I’d say nobody in the room is a moron in this particular case. And Tully is pretty much gonna let it ride when the McGook bab is a McGook junior high schooler, once again making all of us wish we had cooler parents. Jason is probably gonna end up being really cool with it until shit starts getting out of hand and then he’s going full sick cunt on whoever the fuck he has too and it’s gonna be like a Vietnamese prison until shit’s back under control. Next question: What celebrity that everyone thinks is hot do you think is ugly? The nominees were Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweiger, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Upton, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Scarlett Johansen (which I’m seriously against, and fuck you Tully for saying it) Lady GaGa (which I’m totally backing cause she always had a face like a jar full of smashed asses) Selma Hayek, and then Pendarvis came to shit on everyone’s hate session and ask who of these celebrities do yo think you could marry and it was unanimous that famous bitches be trippin’ too god damn much and none of them really sounds like a good idea even for a weekend with an 8 ball of coke and a penthouse suite at the Bellagio. But in the spirit of good sportsmanship, some of the possibilities were Ellen Degeneres (just gotta make her come back around to the old pogo stick) Pink (cause you gotta throw your friends wives under the bus sometimes) Chrissy Hines from The Pretenders, Wendy Williams, Mila Kunis, Christmas Abbott, Ronda Rousey, Meisha Tate, and Randy Cotour. Rawdog suggested Angelina Jolie and basically admitted that he’s just fucking her wallet and making the best of a good time. Ellis threw Russell Brand’s name into the ring and he could probably do it if Russell was having a good enough night when they meet. NEXT QUESTION!!! I SAID NEXT QUESTION!!!! What job would you hate the most? Obviously they haven’t done customer service at an auto repair shop, but some of the suggestions were sewage diver, prison warden, nursing home attendant, really pretty much anything in the medical profession cause at some point you have to clean up a grown man’s shit, airport security, anything at the DMV, Elton John’s assistant, and Paris Hilton’s dog. Pendarvis’ next question, would you rather be dumb and happy or smart and depressed? Rawdog had a roundabout way of explaining that he didn’t understand the question but doesn’t want to admit it and wants to over explain everything to try and weasel out of it. Everybody else pounced like a pack of gorillas on a plate of chocolate chip cookies and it went on like this a nice long time. Long story short, Rawdog would rather be smart and some day I’m sure he’ll make it happen. Finally, what non-english speaking country would you live in? Mexico was suggested, so was France and Italy, and Canada, but nowhere in Africa or Asia cause people are still pissed when whitey shows up there. I guess we got a bad history over in those places or something. then Jason mentioned Thailand and it was decided that street fights and cheap hookers is the best way to spend your golden years. And what better way to introduce Awesome World by Death!Death!Die! than by talking about a place where lots of tourists die every year?

You know what time it is guys, it’s NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! First up was a couple old enemies of the show, We Outspoken with their new EP that would make them eligible for another ass whooping at an upcoming EllisMania, maybe number ten when they start the Hall Of Fame thing for greatest band to get beaten to a pulp by a forty year old guy with arthritis in his knees. After that we heard BREAKING NEWS about Miesha Tate and she may be coming on the show sometime soon. Next up was one from the General of the Battleaxe Warriors, MADCHILD and if you like music that takes effort and skill, you should go buy Lawnmower Man and crank it the fuck up. Next down the line was from Revocation and the intro was great and then it broke into a solid banjo riff shortly thereafter followed by a vocalist that didn’t sound like a 19 year old man on his period. Next was a rapper named Ka and it sounded pretty much like the kind of hip hop you hear at a graffiti gallery opening, but not the worst shit I’ve ever heard. After that was the new single from all the other guys in Disturbed, calling themselves Fight or Flight and much like Disturbed, the only thing disturbing is the fact that these guys are getting paid for this shit. Next waste of valuable studio time we heard was Capitol Cities and if you feel like dumping money into a bucket of period blood, go on ahead and grab that album. After that we got a taste of the new Newsted album and I’m glad there’s somebody keeping the original sound of metal alive so the kids don’t forget where they got all the shit they liked. Elvis Costello hasn’t retired yet and we got to hear what he’s been doing lately and it wasn’t really my thing, but it’s Elvis Costello and Weezer wouldn’t be shit without biting his style so there you go. Next we heard Power Wolf and they did not immediately live up to their name, but then followed that up with super poppy German rock sounds that sound very familiar to an emo band trying to rip off Rise Against. And then after we all got that giant rubber fist out of our ass, we got to hear Iwrestledabearonce and I’ve been hearing this band’s name for a long time, but never actually heard about them wrestling a bear. Oh, right the music, it was actually pretty good, and for a female lead singer to be belting out metal riffs is a fuckin’ champion move. Next we got to die a little while listening to the third reinvention of Marc Anthony and while he might have smashed that J-Lo pussy, that doesn’t redeem anything else about his music, but Benji and Joel Madden like him, so maybe I’m wrong. After that was a new one from Exhumed and it was cookie monster bullshit but the drummer was fuckin’ raging. The Polyphonic Spree should have died in a plane crash, but instead they released a new album that makes me want them to die in an even more horrifying plane crash. Yep, all 23 of those assholes. And Finally Rawdog’s pick of the week was some guy who used to be in Husker Du and it was of course his normal uncategorizable shit that has no real genre or talent associated with it. And now that that’s out of the way, how about some Stevie Nicks?

SHARK FUCKING NEWS!!! I mean, not news about fucking a shark, but fucking news… that has sharks… yeah. A guy got his leg all fucked up by a shark while he was spear fishing and now he’s waiting for a skin graft cause the ocean doesn’t need your help controlling the animal population. Interesting sidenote to this story, this guy has also been beaten up by monkeys TWICE which makes me think that medical science needs to stop repairing his injuries and let the circle of life just do what it’s gonna do. Just goes to show you that some people just insist on getting killed doing stupid shit with animals that they shouldn’t be poking. Rawdog found a pretty awesome story about a news caster who discovered his true feelings that he wanted to live as a woman, but a couple weeks ago he woke up from a case of amnesia to find that he didn’t want to be a woman but he totally had some titties and was in a dress, maybe thought that he was just waking up from a really bitchin’ kegger and his friends were playing a prank on him. If you watched the UFC this weekend, you may have noticed Jose Aldo limping a bit it’s because he broke his fucking foot in the first round then kept going. And in other news, American law enforcement needs to chill the fuck out because now for some reason they think they’re allowed to arrest people in Canada, and I say FUCK YOU PIGS! YOUR SWAT TEAM IS NO MATCH FOR THOUSANDS OF DRUNKEN HOCKEY FANS ON MOOSE BACK!!! And in case you give a fuck, Bill Clinton has been vegan for the last three years, probably cause of that whole heart condition thing he had going on. And two honky ass Mormons straight hustled a couple black guys in a game of street B-Ball and the video is all over the internet. Ellis decided to get proactive about how shitty final calls can be, so he tweeted that it was gonna be final calls time, and that there’s not gonna be a phone screener, and that if you have something to say, make sure it’s good and don’t waste any time getting it out of your mouth. It seemed to start off pretty well with legitimate questions about how EllisMania is gonna play out and people responded to “hello” quickly, there may be a new WolfKnives shoe from Globe and the t-shirt contest has some awesome entries that are getting close to being put in the final decision. Still a few guys that had to ask what number they were calling, but for the most part it was better than normal. Maybe this could prevent the wave of stupidity that always fills the last fifteen minutes of the day. It would certainly start restoring some of my faith in humanity.

So I’m not gonna end this recap with one of my normal surreal life lessons, what I am gonna say is a big congratulations to my sister who had a healthy baby boy named Ryan Thomas Garrity at 1 o’clock yesterday afternoon. 8 lbs. 15 oz and all the right parts in all the right places. She’s doing well and everybody’s happy to meet him.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up feeling like you got hit in the face with a sock full of shit? I’m asking for a friend you guys, let’s not go making assumptions about the homeless people I may or may not be paying in copious amounts of drugs to fight in hilarious ways for my amusement. Anyways, while you ponder that, you can feed your brain with more of the most low-brow shit ever by reading my recap of the Jason Ellis show! The show started today with Ellis giving us a quick synopsis of how the show is gonna be awesome and some people have always got it worse than you, so you gotta be grateful for how things are sometimes. And sometimes you gotta call people on their shit too, and be willing to accept it when someone does it to you. Ellis has been working on making himself a better person lately and he’s feeling pretty good about how it’s going. He’s been bringing back those slapping videos he has been known to do on Vine, only now they’re TWO AND A HALF TIMES LONGER ON INSTAGRAM!!! And people are accusing him of animal cruelty for it, but apparently they’ve never heard the Death!Death!Die! song “A is for Anal.” Ellis has been enjoying spending time with his kids a lot more lately, the only time it bums him out is when he’s got them over and the man wants to make him do some dancing monkey type bullshit for his daily takings. Tully was able to chime in on this and say that he also loves kicking it with the McGook baby, but sometimes it can get a little old just doing kid shit. But the payoff is way better than the cost, so hang out with your kids and enjoy that shit everybody. It’s like going to the gym, sometimes you don’t want to, but once you do it you’re gonna feel great about pissing blood cause you tried to lift way too much in hopes of catching some girl’s eye. Ellis talked about how his ex is telling the kids they shouldn’t Google him, but forgot to mention that you can Gizoogle anybody and it all becomes fun and kid friendly. Jason has been thinking that the show is degrading to women, and what better person to bounce that off of than Rude Jude! Jude has also felt like he’s not giving the ladies a fair break, so from now on he’s gonna be talking to his hoes a lot more respectfully and not exercising the pimp hand quite as hard. Jude is also looking for a therapist cause we’ve all got some shit we need to dump and out on the radio isn’t always the best place for it. And of course we all can’t help but turn into our parents at least a bit, so once again, be good to your kids or else they’ll grow up to be assholes like you. The guys all had a pow-wow with Jude and put him on the road to not being a doped up womanizer, and that’s not a bad thing to strive for. But on a lighter note, when you donate to a charity, make sure they feed poor people caviar. That crazy shirtless DJ from Bar Rescue hit up the show on twitter and was acting a god damn fool, so no word yet on whether or not he’s gonna be a permanent installation on the show. Jude has known one of the founding members of Filter for a long time and Jude didn’t even know it, but the guys were happy to make him feel humiliated for not kicking that dude in the cunt years ago. Pendarvis came into the studio to try and play Tarzan off Filter’s nuts for a bit, but it didn’t work and Filter continued to suck. Pendar wouldn’t commit to telling anybody what bands he doesn’t like though, being that he probably needed to take a conference call or catch up on some old Saturday Night live episodes. But we can all agree that Incubus might as well just be a shitstain on the CEOs hands. Some people called in to let Ellis know that the show is not as degrading to women or gays or any other group as Jason seems to think, and if you’ve read any of the recaps on NoYouAre.lixlink.com you know that we’re way more offensive than the Ellis show would ever allow themselves to be, but we don’t get paid for any of it so we don’t have to worry about anyone cutting us loose except for our family and friends, and their opinions aren’t that important in the first place. The guys all kicked around how they feel about how gay people and women are inferior to heterosexual white men with money, but no seriously, they don’t do that kind of shit, that would just be uncalled for. Ellis is mostly on the topic of women because Jason looks at his daughter and can’t help but wonder if the stuff he does on the show now is gonna give her a complex later. That’s a hard one to rationalize, so I’m not gonna try and state what anyone’s opinion on the matter should be. Personally, it’s all about what kind of an example you set at home, cause most people are way different when they’re on the clock. Like me for instance, I fucking despise 80% of humanity from 8am to 5:30 pm monday through friday, but on my own time, I’m probably one of the friendliest people you’re gonna meet. And skanks aren’t all a product of shitty parents, some of them are just born to get fucked, that’s just who they are, that’s just how they want to be. And if they can’t take a joke, well then fuck ’em. Ellis promoted Jetta from intern to phone screener/whipping post. A lady called in to let Ellis know that the show is not degrading to women any more than normal guy stuff, and it’s actually really helpful to her cause she’s had alcohol and eating disorder issues in her life. I remember that’s one of the things that made me really like the show in the first place, that past all of the physical abuse of the less capable (like Rawdog blowing a massive strap on or a porn star shoving a cell phone in her ass (which never allegedly happened even though I remember it really clearly)) that Ellis really does want to do something good for the world by way of his radio show. One way to be better to the ladies, learn how to cook, cause they’re not all gonna like your shitty band, but every lady likes a hot load of something in their mouth (AAAOOOHHH!!!). The guys had a discussion about how the fans aren’t always firing off very well and can’t seem to understand that when an Australian man says “Jason Ellis Show” that means that they have gotten in touch with exactly who they were trying to contact. Some dude got another Rock-topus tattoo and had to call in and share about it. There were some more calls and some of them made absolutely no sense and a couple people brought up Horse Force and we all wondered if Jude slipped us something from the top shelf of his medicine cabinet. And Rawdog doesn’t believe that sluts will sleep with quite as high a percentage of men that most people would think, but that doesn’t make sluts any less wonderful. After all that I think it’s a perfect time for some Alice in Chains and Aerosmith while we all ponder whether or not a cartoon about alcoholic super horses led by a mouse who fight against a cybernetic Robert Redford should actually exist.

DOLPHIN NEWS TIME GUYS!!! FROM A DOLPHIN WHO SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO AND WHO MAY ALLEGEDLY BE ONE OF THE MANY DOLPHINS WHO IS IN FACT A RAPIST!!! Starting August first, there’s gonna be a new channel on SiriusXM online that will be ALL JASON ELLIS! So if you miss it live, you can catch as many replays as it takes to put NoYouAre.lixlink.com out of business! But we’ll always gonna be around guys, jerking off in the corner of the room no matter what you’re doing, just biding our time until we can all collectively Spiderman you at the least convenient time. Jason is gonna be at the X-Games on Friday and is gonna be taking a ride in Ken Block’s rally car to give us a first person experience of just what a sick cunt he is behind the wheel. And just to throw him off his game, Jason may do some semi-homoerotic shit in the passenger seat to really put the fear of god in old K.B. Or just punch him in the face or grab the steering wheel or some low level prankster shit like that, cause nobody’s trying to get killed out there. The guys took some calls on how people tend to listen to the show and whether or not internet is gonna work for them, and it sounds like it should be relatively successful as long as the internet doesn’t turn into a whiny bitch and start making it some sort of a problem. Rawdog watched Sharknado over the weekend and as pretty much everyone else can confirm, Tara Reid may not be dead but her career sure as fuck did, and the guy from 90210 who also did a bunch of cartoon voices and was in that movie Domino about the contract killer where we all got to see  Kira Knightley’s tits, that dude held the whole Sharknado together. But what’s more important is that for the first time in a long time, there’s been a movie that is such a staming bowl of elephant piss that is still successful and awesome in it’s own way. Last one I could think of is the Evil Dead trilogy, and that’s been over twenty years now since the last one. Rawdog played some new video from Beyonce and as much as I try I can’t bring myself to give a fuck, much less like, anything she does. She wasn’t even that good in the last Austin Powers movie for cunt’s sake. The guys brought back the argument of whether it’s lame to have a girlfriend or wife that makes a lot more money than they do, and quite frankly, it’s one of those things that’s only a problem if you make it one. Sure it may bum you out for a while, but once you learn to accept the fact that your dreams are less profitable than others and be happy to have the opportunity to pursue them, than what the fuck have you really got to complain about? Besides, I’ve always been told that you can’t argue with free, so if she offers to cover the bill, fuck it man, go enjoy that shit. Some of it is affecting people’s kids though, and it always sucks when your kid calls you a bitch cause mom is the one bringing home the bacon, but you can always say to that kid “I might make less money, but I can choke you out a lot easier than your mom can” and that’ll keep a healthy level of respect going for everyone in the house. Just as long as you don’t let your wife start treating you the way you would have treated them back in the 1950’s, shit could work pretty well. But don’t worry fellas, we’ll always be better drivers. A few people called in who actually have this dynamic going in their relationship and it seems to be working just fine. But then, not all of them. Cause money basically just makes everybody start keeping it as real as real can get, and if we remember how it went on the Dave Chappelle show, keeping it real can go horribly horribly wrong. While we’re on the topic of keeping it real, Yoko Ono is evil and definitely crazy, but she did say that John Lennon was a racist and gay, and she probably knows better than the rest of us……Just stew on that for a minute guys….She also said he was a wife beater……ponder and discuss, everybody.

So, good friend of the show and one of the founding members of NoYouAre.lixlink.com, BitPimps sent a news story in to the show and the guys were pretty in to it. Basically, there’s a town somewhere out in the midwest that has a bunch of stuff named Hitler, like a road and a public park and some other shit. Turns out they were an actual family who lived there since the 1700’s. And they were really good people too, they made lots of charitable contributions and such, one of them was even the town dentist during the 1940s. And his name was: DOCTOR GAY HITLER!!! I know, we’re all writing a campy B-movie sexploitation horror flick in our heads just hearing it, just please folks, lets not go jumping the gun to get it made until we can scrounge up the perfect cast for it. Somehow Jason came up with the Idea that poor people should move back in to the ocean and evolve into fish people and then they can wage covert operations against the rich every time a fishing boat that goes to catch their caviar accidentally gets one of them in their nets. I gotta say, it’s a real incentive not to be poor if you’re not much of a water person. But fuck all that, cause I think we’ve just added a surprising twist to the Dr. Gay Hitler movie series, Gay Hitler VS. The Fish Hobos!!! It’s gonna be indie movie gold people, and I hereby declare it my own intellectual property so you have been warned that I will sue you for a case of DVD’s if you do in fact make this movie (cause I don’t have the free time or startup capitol to make it happen, so please go make my movie so I can sue you for a crate full of DVDs). But hey, why are we jaw-jacking about all that bullshit when we could be enjoying NEW MUSIC TUESDAY??!?!?! Well, it’s probably because most people don’t enjoy New music Tuesday, me personally I just kinda hate most new music, but sometimes Rumble McTumbleBlumpkin does dig up a gem, so let’s see what he’s got for us this time. And we got three weeks of it today, cause of all the times they nixed it recently, so get yourself ready to crank the “suck” up to ELEVEN!!! First out of the gate we heard the new single from Everlast and I’ve always appreciated his style and this little bluesy number was pretty catchy, so keep an eye out for the album when it drops next month. After that was the new one from Backstreet Boys and if you liked them before, you’ll probably like this one, but if you’re anything like me you’ll wish there was a fast forward button on the SiriusXM internet player (Get on that shit, SiriusXM, seriously). Next up was a new project from Tech9 and a whole bunch of other guys, and it was not too different from a lot of stuff you might hear today, but that doesn’t mean it was bad and the first verse was a banger, so give it a try and decide for yourself. Then we heard the new one from Phil Anselmo and his side project, and it was fast loud and angry, so if that’s your thing and you don’t think Anselmo is a sell out then give that one a listen. Next up was the latest from Chamillionaire and much like most of the pop-rap-dance-crossover shit that somehow makes platinum albums, it’s really obvious that some people couldn’t give a fuck about their fans as long as the check doesn’t bounce. One Direction sucks like a Dyson power ball and is basically a waste of time to mention or listen to but they dropped a new album this week. Then we heard Five Finger Death Punch and like all the stuff they made before, it was a warm, slightly firm turd that took at least seven flushes worth of paper to wipe off completely. After that was Aluna George and I’m sure Rawdog was jamming the fuck out while the rest of us started planning his assassination. Next in line was Serj Tankian doing something a little different than his normal stuff, he’s got a new album that’s all jazz and mostly instrumentals. We heard the opening bar of the song but not enough to judge whether or not Serj should go back to his roots and stay there. Next up was an album I’ve actually been waiting to check out, the new one from Against Me! featuring the now transgendered lead singer Laura Jane Grace (previously known as Tom Gabel) and it was in line with the acoustic stuff they’ve put out in the past and the lead singer’s voice hasn’t changed much, so still worth hearing a few other tracks from it to see if it’s worth buying. Coming up next we heard the new chart topper from Robin Thicke and if I was a fifteen year old girl snorting adderall in my parents’ bathroom while making an appointment to get my fake ID so I could hang out at the club, I’d probably be into it. Then we got a taste of some new metal from the band Mercenary and it had a great opening that was fucked in the ass with a broken champagne bottle by the lead singer. Next track was the new tune from Gogol Bordello and although it’s not the normal stuff you hear being called punk, I like it a lot and Eugene Hutz is actually a decent actor too, so go get a copy. The Hieroglyphics dropped a new album that was a refreshing return to when hip hop was good and didn’t require a pitbull and an AK-47 to be sold in the mainstream. Then we heard a band that I’ve actually seen live called Hunx and his Punx, and yep, you guessed it, it’s full on homo-core (I’m not being a bigot, that’s actually what  they call themselves) and while I don’t hate gay punks, gay punk music seems to be pretty fucking terrible by a pretty sizable margin from the amount that I’ve heard and seen live. Then we heard the new one from Selena Gomez and I’d prefer it if she’d stay away from a fucking microphone until she’s a truly cold fucking corpse. Finally we heard Rawdog’s pick of the week which was a band called Fuck buttons and while Tussin Wolf was getting a side arm, the rest of us were purchasing a side arm. Tully found a news story about a football player who had a contract with his girlfriend that if he ever got her pregnant that she would get an abortion and he would bay her $25,000 and stay with her for another year. Then Rawdog started trying to justify how awesome his shitty indie band was and Tully cut him off by asking us all “Do you remember how stupid republicans are?” And after all that music, what better than a quick break for some music that was made when music was still good? Like Jimi Hendrix and the original Van Halen (before the Red Rocker came and had his period all over the band).

Hey BITCH! In particular, the bitch in North Carolina who had it coming when he got arrested for throwing pizza at his girlfriend cause she left the bathroom floor wet. Meanwhile, in South Carolina, another bitch ALSO got arrested for throwing pizza at his girlfriend. I got one question for these bitches, why the fuck is bitches so mothafuckin’ cray cray? We’ll probably never know. But in Hollywood news, we can hear all about what’s happening here in the real world! Like how the Gay Jewish White supremacist who was stalking Anderson Cooper has finally been arrested. Also, Sylvester Stallone tweeted that there’s gonna be an Expendables 3 with 2 new stars, Victor Ortiz and Ronda Rousey, making yet another fighter/actor crossover film that’s probably not gonna amount to much in the long run. Stallone also announced that he’s gonna play rocky one last time in a spinoff as the coach of Apollo Creed’s grandson. Unfortunately though, there’s also a stage musical of Rocky is also making it’s way across Europe right now, so if you were looking for a good day to kill yourself, it would be opening day of that show in your town. In sadder news, Johnny Depp is pretty seriously considering retirement (cause you can’t be Tim Burton’s go-to guy forever) and so is Quentin Tarantino who I will miss dearly because he’s one of the last guys who still has some god damn respect for what movies are supposed to be. Greg Hetson from Bad Religion is definitely still punk rock as fuck, because him and his wife are both saying that the other one is letting arguments go to blows, but his stories seem a lot more believable just for the strange shit he says that she’s been doing, like shoving an apple down his throat and attacking him with hockey equipment and stealing money from their joint bank account. If it is true, I would personally love to see Greg and Brett come down there and go 1983 all over the situation, but we can’t all get everything we wish for. The guy from Puddle Of Mudd is back in action, this time he took a power saw to his neighbor’s deck cause it just barely spilled onto his property or some such shit. And Ice-T really wants you to see him without a shirt. So, go ahead and do that I guess. And two of the guys from Queen are busy right now working on a couple of songs that Freddy Mercury did with Michael Jackson right before he died. The guys took some phone calls that were not all completely ridiculous. there was talk of the Fish Hobos and just what there physical capabilities would be on land and how much of a threat they would really be to the rest of us. The guys were talking about the TV shows Bar Rescue and Kitchen Nightmares, and (shocker of all shockers, like somehow having three fingers in each whole but it’s only one hand) there’s only been a 10% success rate of all the restaurants that have been on Kitchen nightmares since the show started. Fuck you in the face hole, Gordon Ramsey. And in sadder news for those of us who grew up in the 90’s, Sam Simon, co-creator of The Simpsons, is dying of cancer, but the silver lining is that he’s incredibly rich and he’s donating a pretty good amount of it to feeding the hungry and rescuing animals. DMX got another DUI, which is barely even news anymore. And if you haven’t heard anything about Lindsay Lohan in a while, just a quick update, Ellis wants to try the 40 donut challenge again, but will settle for ten donuts and a coffee and some fucking peace and quiet. Pendarvis is a bastard and suggested that Jason shit all over the passenger seat of Ken Block’s car because that wouldn’t be the most disrespectful thing a person could do to one of their oldest friends or anything. Kelly from Destiny’s Child got lost at sea when the guy running her yacht completely lost his sense of direction and had to call the coast guard. Some more people called in to suggest new fights for EllisMania and a couple were half decent and some were definitely the product of a pack of savage fucktards. Then there were some other calls that were essentially pointless. Except for the text that Thomas Haden Church sent in to suggest a fight at EllisMania where two guys are wearing humongous diving flippers. Might be awesome to see, but a pretty high potential for error. The idea was suggested that one big guy hold one little guy and it becomes like Kuato VS. Kuato in a rather interesting fight. Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan, she published some list of a hundred people she knows and has whittled it down to a bunch of people she wants to get the fuck off her coat tails. Amanda Bynes got 5150’d after she started a fire in her neighbor’s driveway and running away with the ladies dog and some other shit, some people are saying she’s crazy, some people are saying that all the people trying to help her are WHY she’s crazy, I don’t have any real gripe with her but if she really is nuts I hope she gets some help, cause I’ve been around people going through that and it sure doesn’t look like fun. Final calls kept rolling through, and it was all about people shitting their pants and some other bull shite and nobody can seem to answer when someone says “Hello” and the whole final calls thing still isn’t getting through to anybody. And some asshole suggested having a cancer patient fight a veteran, like somehow there’s a good one to root against or something. But fuck it, it’s tuesday, I get paid tomorrow, and I don’t have to unclog the drain if I go home and jerk off in my shower so much that the wad clogs up everyone on the same floor of my apartment building.

In my youth, I can clearly remember that first day of school every fall.

It was the one day a year that I always had to submit to a paternity test. At least once throughout the day.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Holla atcha boy, bitches! It’s recap time yet again and god damn if my knob ain’t getting sticky just thinking about it. Ellis was off yesterday cause he was feeling a little flu-ey, and he took today off again! Cause nobody gets over the flu overnight, ya dumb fuck! That’s why it still kills old people. And while we’re on the topic of old people, have you ever had one of your friends moms give you a boner? On purpose or otherwise, I’m just wondering. None of my friends had moms that were all too attractive to me, but one buddy of mine had a totally fuckable sister. I’ve met a few extended relatives of some of my friends too and the genes are not too shabby. I never fucked any of them though, would have been too close to home, like banging one of your own relatives or something. Yes folks, this is exactly how my mind jumps around during the day, I can go from talking about an afternoon radio show to banging an extended family member just that quick.

To quote a sticker I saw on the wall of a punk rock club “We all come into this world naked, screaming and covered in someone else’s blood. Why should the fun stop there?”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,