Cumtard when the beezin’ really kicks in.
Yo, yo, yo! Wazzup my n-bombs? Just kidding, I doubt any of you are Norwegian. That’d be kinda funny if Norwegians were all thugged out and shooty & stabby, while black people liked cold weather and cross country skiing. Anyway, enough about the stupid things that plague my mind, let’s see what we had for a show today. We don’t know fish, because we don’t get to hang out with them long enough. Even with scuba tanks, it’s still not long enough to really get to know the fish and the fish to get to know us. Ellis is obviously a massive fan of the supercross, but fuck The Offspring. Remember that whole Faction Board of Directors thing? The results are in, but none of us get to know about any of it – so I’m calling bullshit. There’s no directors. There’s no board. I’m not even sure there’s a Faction. Plus, this website doesn’t even exist, this isn’t even a recap either. Ellis saw Thomas Haden Church’s Castaway movie, called Whitewash. In the movie, he accidentally kills a man during a drunken night joyride, I assume on his snowplow. He hides the body then disappears into the woods. Dingo saw some documentary on mass suicide and it wasn’t about Jonestown. Is Dingo planning something? I’m not saying he is, I’m just sayin you might wanna stay on your toes around him. Will watch a TV show about Fargo or some shit. Tully was the only person on Earth who watch the Mayweather fight. What does Katie call blonde-headed bimbos? Shit pigs. Also, she totally boinked Jared Leto, but don’t say anything. Apparently she’s been working lately and Ellis hates it because he misses her. You wanna know what Aussie’s call a beer? A tinny. Know what a slab is? It’s a case of beer. Do you really even care? Of course you don’t. Jetta is looking like shit today, wearing wrinkled clothes, having a “blah” attitude, and being high as fuck while on the job. Shout out to Dirty Sean & the boys! Cumtard felt left out so he tried to get all beezy by trying out the latest trend among the kids, beezin’. Beezin’ didn’t work and Cumtard did not end up pooping in the hat the doctor gave him, even though he’s had diarrhea again this morning. He also failed at using his boner as a towel rack. The dude that played Deebo in the movie Friday drives a Bentley and you know Dingo can vouch for that shit because Dingo knows everyone. Drugs and shark tattoos of a shark eating a man were two other short topics, not at the same time though.
That pinky ring from Kelly?
You got any suggestions for the wheel of doom? Tweet those ideas to the show. Ellis was looking for electronic drum kits, Devin already found a little rhythm and Tiger just goes apeshit like Animal from The Muppets. Tully got checked by TJ Lavin for one of his comments during the show last week. Dingo got gifted a little pinky ring from noted shit pig, Kelly Osbourne. I’m not sayin’ they’re fucking, I’m just sayin’ ewww. Dingo tells us that the delay in Kanye & Ditch Pig’s wedding is because they’re hammering out a prenupt, because he makes a lot of money but also spends a lot of money. Segue into Bakerfield police investigated cummy pubic hair cupcakes some chick made for all the bullies at her school. Jude’s currently looking at Cumtard’s porn girlfriend’s snatch in his studio, which isn’t really breaking news for Jude, Cumtard, or that porn chick’s snatch. By the way, Cumtard is okay with all this. Ellis is trying to be nicer to callers because of this supposed Board of Directors thing saying people want him to be nicer. Today’s Cinco de Mayo, celebrating tequila, tacos, and cheap labor. A caller swears there is a penis fertility test for Cumtard to take to help cure his lazy boner. First he has to do some marathon masturbation in a 16-hour span and then pull his nuts out as far as he can or something. I can’t see how scientific this could be, but I’m backing the idea for Cumtard to do because his dick is gonna be ground up hamburger after 16 hours of whackin’ it.
Travis when someone gets hurt at Pastranaland.
One of Dingo’s friends came in for a visit, Trevor Jacob. He’s a snowboarder, Olympian, in Nitro Circus, and probably has more accolades that I’m not mentioning. He actually met Ellis when he was 6-years-old and Ellis had broken a world record. He went up to Ellis to get an autograph but didn’t have anything for him to sign, so Ellis took off one of the DC shoes he was currently wearing, signed the shoe, and gave it to Trevor. The two reminisced about the past, talked about how they’re both pretty crazy, making dumb decisions, taking some bad spills, and also talked a little about what he’s doing now and plans for the future. They watched a video of Trevor almost dying at Pastranaland and a video of him doing the first double backflip on a skateboard. Dude had to have anal surgery for a broken tailbone too. That’s surgery going through the butthole. A widened butthole. With tools and shit. So many innuendos, too little time. Ever seen a goblin shark? Well now you have. You act like your parents because of you choice of pants. Wait, no. You act like your parents because of your genes jeans. And that’s why you’re a bitch-ass ass-bitch, because you look like your mother wearing mom jeans that go above your belly button and you got that bitch pouch mid-zipper. OH!