Thursday recap of The Jason Ellis Show is being brought to you by…a woman, again. I know you might be a little nervous, taking something so manly from a little lady, but just relax, I’ll try and make it as enjoyable as possible. Back to your regular programming, Ellis and Tully have rejoined Rawdog back in Los Angeles riding the high of their success in NY, but Ellis is feeling slightly sleep deprived and needs some ginseng up his ass (even though it’s a load of shit and no time is as good as the first time).

Ellis is having a good week, as we all know- he conquered New York and got everything that he wanted, Katie found a box of clothes in the garage which held some goodies that helped him feel more comfortable after not training and eating brownies with ice cream and grilled cheese and chicken fingers, his Porsche has no scratches on it despite being parked sooooooooo close to the wall, he is still getting a Suzuki bike, and it all amounts to him being able to deal with his beard growing out and touching his lips. I never knew before that there was so much thought put into de-weaponizing facial hair for the benefit of the ladies, and I shall go forth more appreciative of not being subjected to getting my cheek grated off every time I want a hug.

Naturally, there was more (somewhat vague) talk about the pending changes coming to the show, and no…Ellis and Tully still can’t believe that it’s really happening. Ellis is planning on calling Tim Sabean just to see if he remembers the ’tattooed guy’ because it otherwise might have all been a dream (that he may later have to interpret). This brought about talk of instituting a Sabean Shake every time they talk in person, because no one would forget a conversation where they were shaken at the end of it, probably for fear of being shaken even harder the next time. 10 years from now we’ll probably be hearing about the new Shaken Sabean Syndrome, which will widely affect people in positions of moderate power trying to give a helping hand to awesome people. We learned that we will be soon losing the smartest intern ever, Jetta, who thinks that he could be the producer and get George Clooney on the show without calling New York. The idea was also tossed around that Ellis would tattoo information about the new improved show/channel on his balls which he would post on Instagram. I think it was decided that there would be a stunt sack, probably Cumtard’s, because it’s listed as a profession on his business card.

The new season of Ultimate Fighter premiered and Ellis watched it on DVR even though his special friend fell asleep and was mad at him for it when she found out. But it’s his job, which is the best excuse ever. This season features male and female fighters in the house, and the guys gave us their opinions of the female fighters based on their headshots and what Ellis said of them. One chick is a nerdy Jay sans Silent Bob (and a good contender) and there’s another woman who is doing it all for her baby……yeah. Rawdog seems to want to see a fight between the best male fighter and the best female fighter, possibly to make him feel better about fighting a woman at Ellismania, but no…there will be both a male and female Ultimate Fighter who won’t have to fight each other causing special interest groups to have the show cancelled and erased from history forever. The men and women contestants will be sharing a house, but it sounds like the bulk of possible romantic shenanigans would be between the females only. Not that anyone would really complain about that. But can you imagine bitches who can fight ripping each others hair out over each other? I can…and I’m going to find a place to pitch this spin off.

If you could either have AIDs or be a vampire, which would you choose? I’m with Ellis on the whole vampire thing, so long as I was an awesome vampire who didn’t feel bad about eating people and got to wear cool clothes and be hot forever, and not a sparkly Robert Pattinson vampire (because otherwise I would also choose AIDs). Tully and Rawdog aren’t quite sold on being vampires and would rather live out their newly shortened lives swallowing a pharmacy in the morning. I mean, come on!!!! Vampires! Don’t feel bad about eating people, you don’t feel bad about eating burgers! It’s just the food chain. Ellis would be the Ultimate Vampire Fighter, never have to worry about cutting weight (because vampires don’t gain weight) and he’d have the self control to not devour his opponent after being him to a pulp because he knows how to fuck shit up without blowing his cover. Night surfing wouldn’t be a problem cause you could hear a shark coming, rip it in half if it tried to bite you, and escape with barely having to touch your toes to the water. Yes, I am that creepy bitch who spends too much time thinking about the perks of being a vampire. The only thing that concerns me is being a vampire in the zombie apocalypse…a point no one managed to bring up.

Eddie Murphy has popped back on the music scene and released a reggae album with a song with collaborating Snoop Lion. This is your New Music Tuesday on Thursday (not Tuesday or Wednesday), complete with Ellis trying to mend burned bridges with the band Youth Code, a release from Nickelodeon star Arianna Grande, a band called Annihilate which sounded sort of like Metallica, one of Tully’s fave bands The Pixies (whom he had no expectations for), Gorguts who doesn’t have enough schtick and should look into murdering a girl in Greenland, and Rawdogs pick- NIN’s new album Hesitation Marks. The segment was filled with the usual banter, Ellis and Tully talking over the epically long build ups to songs that don’t deliver, and talking about which people find it funny to tennis racket shit at people’s heads (and the people who do think it’s funny but would never admit it).

Ellis and his third brown eye interpreted callers’ dreams, which ranged from a man fucking a woman to life before strangling her dead again (because he has a small penis and needs to exercise more willpower to make it larger), to dreams within dreams all the while spent on your knees (because you need some Metamucil and a good shit, you clearly homosexual man), bald eagle hitchhikers beating up rear seated younger passengers (because you hate America), and zombie kittens in haunted houses (because you want to die, or your mom wants to kill you, and you need to deal with your ex wife). The general prescription to rid yourself of these weird dreams? Go fist yourself. And think of Rawdog while you do because he chooses to be flattered by being the object of your self-fisting fantasy. There were real gems in this dream segment, including the man with the manliest dream ever being stuck in a river between a wolf on one bank and a bear on the other, dreaming of being a carpet salesman recruited by a government MIB type (JE: it means you can’t lick pussy good CALLER: Fuck.), and you should just get outta dodge because you can’t spell Godzilla without God.

In between announcing the segment and waiting for callers desperately awaiting their dream interpretation, Tully announced that the Secret Service acts as Presidential Pooper Scoopers who collect all of the president’s urine and feces. Fucking. Awesome. At least I can now confidently say that my tax dollars are being spent on shit, because that shit is a matter of National Security. It must be kinda awesome to have such important bodily functions. “But what about his semen?” Rawdog asks…a good question in my opinion if they are so worried about the other things coming out his pee-hole. That, my friends, is a job for the Monica Lewinski’s of the world. I would kill to be as witty as Hubbs.

It was decided that Rawdog is good at impressions, so long as he doesn’t tell anyone beforehand who is he attempting to do an impression of. Today we heard from a very Sean Connery Al Pacino, drunken Michael J. Fox who is still on top even if he’s really Chris Farley, the Stefan Urquel of Rawdog (also known as Tully), Lady Gaga P. Diddy, and angry Jeff Goldblum. Oh. And Baracktopus, “When they turned me into an octopus they made me insane.” I was laughing so hard my dog barked at me, but I’m sure I didn’t miss anything because everyone on the show couldn’t talk because they were laughing too hard. Rawdog should quit being Rawdog and just be Baracktopus because I thought he was fucking hilarious.

As the show wound down Ellis answered an email over the air from a fan who’s been having a shit time in life and has been through a tragic run of people around him dying. Ellis offered the good advice of seeking professional help to prevent the rest of his life from thoroughly sucking, because that really is something that you can’t just work through alone. Ellis touched on his past in rehab, his experiences dealing with what happened to him at the hands of his father, and finding good help with therapy. More callers decided to talk about their dreams, and we came to learn that if you want to quit smoking you could take Chantix, but you could also very well just skip the doctor visit and kill yourself since apparently that shit is gnarly. It causes suicidal ideation, hallucinations, nightmares, and sleep paralysis. I mean, I know smoking is bad, but I think killing yourself is worse. We heard caller horror stories, including a particularly scary one where a guy almost drove his boat of passengers aground. On purpose. As bad as it is for you, I’m glad that guy started smoking again and quit the Chantix.

If you wanna fight at Ellismania, you have the added reward of a thousand dollar donation going to a charity (like PatriotGuard.org) if you win. Ellismania still needs fighters, so send in your videos and do it for the listeners and fight for charity!

See…that wasn’t so bad, right? Maybe you even forgot I was a chick for a minute. Fuck. I reminded you. Nevermind. Just think of me as Mr. Fuck Fuck New Studio My Balls, and everything will make sense again.

Day 2 of TJES in New York and we have got some HUGE news coming from the meeting that Jason had with SiriusXM execs today. I mean BIG, AWESOME GREAT FUCKING AMAZING NEWS!!!!!! The show is super gnarly now and everything is crazy good.

Me, when I heard the news.

Ellis was thinking about being a rapper, but when he raps inside his own head he’s got a vibe where he is always cappin’ N-Bombs. Problem is, he doesn’t actually cap N-Bombs and it would sound weird coming from a white Australian dude with tattoos to be dropping that kind of shit. Which is probably why there have only been one or two ultra successful white rappers. Because N-Bombs are the key to true hip-hop success. Ellis is wearing a sort of Islamic looking sweatshirt and got big ups from an Islamic looking dude walking down the street for it.

Remember how that chick called yesterday and said she wanted to come down and meet Ellis while he was in New York? Well Ellis decided he would be nice and say hi and make a fan happy. Bad idea, she made him wait an hour and a half outside and for some reason she couldn’t find a parking spot in midtown Manhattan and Ellis had to blow her off.

I feel like I’ve kind of blown over something here….Let me check my notes, I swear there was one important piece of information I’m failing to mention. Oh yeah! Ellis ordered a ton of food from room service last night to really celebrate a night by himself watching movies. He got chicken fingers, brownies and ice cream and a grilled cheese WITH bacon! Oh, that Ellis! Always eating food and stuff. And you know what else is crazy? Last night, Rawdog had the EXACT SAME DINNER!

Me, when I heard that Josh and Jason had the same dinner last night, on opposite coasts.

Alright, alright. The big news from Jason’s meeting today was that they got everything they asked for. Absolutely everything. There were a few things that Jason had to keep tight lipped for now, but the big announcement was that Tim Sabean will now be the boss of the Jason Ellis show. If you don’t know who he is, or don’t know that when someone’s name is highlighted in blue that it’s a link to learn more you fucking twat, Tim Sabean managed Howard Stern’s two channels and staff for a number of years and is always regarded as a guy who gets shit done. Tim’s involvement is particularly interesting for a number of reasons. One, he is a big time name with Sirius and radio in general from his long standing reputation on Howard’s show. Two, it was also recently announced that Sabean will be the new program director of Opie and Anthony. Ellis hinted at possibly having their own channel, a new studio (which he has been hinting at for weeks now) and possibly more staff to grease the squeakier wheels of the show (I.e. call screener, producer, Ellis not having to book guests via twitter). But as far as the O&A tie goes, it may end up that there is a joint channel there where replays are played on both, but that’s all speculation and we will find out sometime in the near future. And hey, maybe on down the road, TJES may get an after-show. If they do go that route, I think they should get a group of people who really love the show and are particularly awesome at finding creative and entertaining ways to relay all of the information presented in the show and compacting it into a very short space. Good luck finding that, though!

When Wilson was married, he would leave for work and tell his wife “I love you honey goodbye.” And she would reply “I love you too, and remember: You’re ugly and nobody likes you.” But she would say it in sort of a endearing and funny way that couple do. Wilson’s point was that if you say stuff like that to a person every day they can start believing it. Ellis doesn’t think so though, sometimes Katie will make him breakfast and he will say “Thanks, ya dumb whore.” But it’s cute and funny and shit when he says it so it’s ok. Also there was a poll in 1978 that said that 50% of men were interested in doing extreme sports like kayaking and skydiving and women were 25%. A similar poll was taken now and found that only 25% of men were interested in that and still 25% of women. They say this could be because of testosterone dropping or something I’m kind of losing what the whole thing was about but the meat of the conversation was this: If you were told towards the end of your life you could live 10 more years as a man, or 30 more years if you had a sex operation and turned into a woman, what would you do? Everyone said they would take the woman route and live a little longer and have a vag and wear dresses and scare their grandkids and shit. Not a bad idea if you ask me, maybe humanity will live a little longer if we have a bunch of hairy trannies running around in pantsuits…..I don’t know what that means just read on, fucker.

If you hear Josh doing the Sara voice in the next few days and calling himself JasonEllis Anderson, it’s because they did a thing where Josh used the voice machine and talked about sucking dick and getting all of his holes filled and it was pretty funny. He’s a little out of the loop being on the west coast, but in all honesty, he is probably having a better time getting blowjobs in Jason’s chair while he is gone. He is probably farting on everything Jason touches during the show. And it’s so hot in that studio, you know his balls are getting sweaty and you know he has to be wiping his greasy ball sweat on Ellis’ microphone.

Josh is celebrating the Jewish new year because they have been counting years longer than Christians but white people just sort of ignore anything before Jesus or anything brown skinned, so happy September 4th bitches. Tully and Cullen reminisced about Real New Year’s they have had in the past and it was riddled with pussy and cocaine and seducing sleeping chicks in bathtubs. Cullen, the old pussy hound he is used to land chicks out of his league with his old friend, Joe Cocaine. Joe Cocaine sounds like the biggest dick at every party I’ve ever been to.

Wilson made a “Name That Tune” style game where he played a Muzak version of popular songs and everyone had to guess what it was. The winning prize would be a very special session with Wilson Pendarvis where he will judge the winner’s butt. I only briefly mention this because the guys are going to make Wilson walk around judging butts at Ellismania now and that is a role that creepy bastard was born to play.

Lastly, a new signature segment “Dude, what’s the worst injury you’ve had while taking a shit.” To sum it up, a LOT of people pass out while taking shits! They crack their heads, wake up on the floor with shit all over them and it sounds like a bad time so don’t do it. One guy was taking a shit in the water and got stung by a Jellyfish.

Another guy started some shit at a bar and a fight spilled outside and while he was beating up a security guard he got hit by a car and shit his pants. You need to talk to your kids about poop. And another guy enema’d himself and unloaded on his girlfriends shower. Pooping is one of the most important things you will do in life and you need to make sure your poop is right. You need to let them know to be proud of each poop they take, knowing that that is hopefully the last they will ever see of the awful bastard who stretched out their anus momentarily. Might I offer up inventing a victory dance to do after every poop, complete with lifting the turd out of the toilet and spiking it back down in the bowl victoriously. Ok, I’m getting a little too loose and gross now so I’m going to go beddy bye now. Fuck off.

I swear to Christ, every time I go on vacation shit just falls apart without me, the shop is all disorganized, I’ve got promo materials all over my desk, paperwork isn’t done right, we got a WOMAN writing recaps for us, dogs and cats living together, IT’S MASS HYSTERIA I TELL YOU!!! But on the plus side, I got to drink lots of Tim Horton’s coffee and get all up in some sweet sweet Canadian tang all week, so I’d call it a win. But that’s not what’s important, what’s important is that it’s time for the Jason Ellis show and I’m gonna give you a nice essay about why my lunchtime would suck without it! Ready? I SAID ARE YOU READY?!?!?! FUCK YOU I SAID ARE YOU READY?!??!?!!?! *Ahem* sorry that’s just my vaginal mesh lawsuit acting up again. Probably cause I still haven’t gotten my settlement from that whole Olestra anal seepage thing yet. Anyways, the show started off today with Ellis complimenting himself on how well he can sing when they played the “New York” intro cause the guys are in NEW YORK! And then there were also volume level problems and some guy set off the fire alarm so all in all a great start. And a chick with big fat titties was walking around so not a whole lot to complain about this tuesday. Ellis was considering getting his nails done instead of visiting one of the jack off booths cause he didn’t bring nail clippers cause the TSA is pretty much unnecessary and solves almost nothing except making me feel like a child molester every time I slide that tray with my wallet and shoes through the X-Ray machine. On the plus side, Tully also forgot his nail clippers but brought a nice cache of fun fun fun prescriptions through so the plane ride would be way more colorful. And even though Tully is a super dad he’d ring your baby’s neck like a rubber chicken if it so much as breathes loud on a plane. Having just got off a flight in San Francisco from Toronto last night after having to get bumped to a different flight for delays and standing in line at the ticket counter and customs for almost two fucking hours, I can safely say that AIR CANADA YOU ROCK FOR HAVING HEADSET TV’S THAT WILL ACCEPT A REGULAR SET OF HEADPHONES AND A USB CHARGING PORT AT EVERY SEAT!!! SHOUT OUT TO YOU AIR CANADA!!! Ellis knows how hard it is to travel with kids and tries to be responsible about it, but you can’t always help it when your kids decide to piss all over something or just need to yell it out or honestly can’t wait for some apple juice. Cullen was live in New York and Rawdog was live in Los Angeles today, and it’s incredibly likely that the LA studios look like a scene from that movie “Blow” only instead of cocaine it’s McNuggets. Rawdog got a bunch of chores and errands and shit done this weekend in his all new Toyota Prius, getting incredible mileage off of that eco-friendly cock in his rectum. Ellis got off the plane wearing his pajama pants and promptly lost his phone in a cab on his way to the studio, but luckily some good Samaritan found it and met up with him to give it back RIGHT AT THE LOCATION WHERE JOHN LENNON WAS SHOT! And luckily there were no repeats of the same kind of activity while Ellis was there. The biggest concern Jason had about losing his phone is that while it was turned off for the plane ride, Katie sent him a shitload of naked pics to keep him from having a need for the jack off booth and god dammit those pictures were EARNED! Rude Jude stopped by the LA studio to sit in with Rawdog and was quickly prompted to shut the fuck up in exchange for monkey business or pretty much anything else. But getting back to the guy that found Jason’s phone, it was some 66 year old Dominican Jew with a 20 year old girlfriend and a thick British accent and lots of stories to tell, whether or not you want him to. According to this guy that 20 year old virgin tang was exquisite when he got around to tearing into it the first time after a few dates. And according to all laws of human decency, nobody wants to hear an old man telling stories about having sex with a girl who was in grade school when I was already a few years deep in the work force. But that didn’t stop this guy from whipping out a pair of her used panties and rubbing it all over Ellis’ receipt for the cab ride. And just to up the creepy factor, Pendarvis slipped in to the conversation get a couple good tugs in before a vengeful god smote him for his carnal sins. Ellis is gonna be doing all kinds of meetings and stuff while he’s in New York to try and get a little more funding for the show and suckle at the corporate teats, as is required from time to time when you want to move ahead in your life. The guys talked a bit about how sketchy it is to be in the park at night in the city. Tully said he tried to sleep in the park with some friends and after getting spotted by the cops rolling a joint and scoping out huge titty magazines, the cops didn’t even look twice, but a little later, they were walking around and gangs had that place staked out like prison. The guys talked about the housing market in New York and how Dakota Fanning sure got off easy getting John Lennon’s old apartment for about $7 million and how most of the really fucking sweet places to live are being bought up by rich people in other countries. Ellis has been working on his cardio and trying not to take any days off that he doesn’t need to, and Gabe is still talking mad shit like EllisMania was a legitimate organization and not just twenty drunken shitheads and a few special guests. Jason is feeling pretty good though, he’s gotten into the ring enough times to know pretty well what his abilities are. Lord Sear was walking around the SiriusXM New York studios in a half woken stupor slowly dying of poor circulation and labored breathing, and speaking of labored breathing, Tully went out of his hotel to have a cigarette and some guy was talking very loudly on his cell phone about the AMAZING cocaine that he has, and if Tully didn’t have a day job and a life to get back to, he would have certainly bought some AMAZING cocaine. Pendarvis chimed in with his own story about how one time he answered his phone and some young ladies were listening over his shoulder and mocking him, but then started talking about buying heroin, so he countered back by telling the guy he was on the phone with that he had a whole backpack full of wonderful delicious heroin. Oh but Tully’s not done yet, after finishing his smoke with the AMAZING cocaine guy, some English guy walked up and the AMAZING cocaine guy ran right over to him and tried to sell him some AMAZING cocaine, cause apparently it really was AMAZING cocaine. Ellis went and saw Danzig the other day and was shocked at how ripped Doyle is. And also, he was shocked at the fact that Glenn Danzig is a tubby midget with absolutely no ass whatsoever. It’s crazy how our rock stars age, isn’t it? All in all though, Danzig hasn’t let a life of murder and Satan worship slow him down though, the show was still awesome and god damn that Doyle is a huge mother fucker, especially in his platform boots swinging his humongous head around and pounding on his guitar like he just put Danzig in a headlock. Rawdog may have allegedly gotten a four hour blow job at the LA studio today, but the world may never know. The guys tossed around a few stories of who may or may not have done some fucking on radio or did a whole show fucked up on acid but kept it under wraps long enough to keep the management happy. Pendarvis has been around long enough to know there’s a few stories that somebody has to tell, but he’s not gonna be the one to do it. Jason and Pendar hashed out how they can get Doyle on the show and Wilson said he’d get right on it, so stay tuned for some awesome shit sometime soon. The guys took some calls and stuff and it was so so. Ellis talked about how there’s a bunch of tourist spots in Australia where drunken yokels buy “I survived a shark attack” t-shirts and then get eaten by fucking sharks because they end up doing something stupid. But on the plus side, women these days are becoming a bit more manly, so in the future we’re never gonna have to search that hard for the clit, we’ll just be asking very politely not to have it stuffed in our ass with no lube (Am I right guys? I mean seriously, am I right?) And of course what better segue to a Queen song than women of the future being able to really cause some rectal damage with the clitoris?

So, after a healthy break, we got to see one of the many things Rawdog was working on over the long weekend, and what he had for us was his very own version of Dave Chappelle! But first, Aussie news!!! Some dude in New Zealand got stranded on an island off the coast after riding his kayak out into the ocean and getting all nervous that a 20 foot crocodile was going to eat him. To be fair, every time he tried to move the kayak the croc would snap at him. This is about the point that Rawdog chimed in with quite possibly one of the most racist impressions a white person has ever done about a black person, but at the same time it was mildly amusing and didn’t actually sound like Dave Chappelle. More like an Australian/Redneck/hairlip boy. Of course, this did make for a lot of great Rawdog shaming, and that makes a lot of people really happy, so there you go. Then he started getting a little closer to spot on, but still not quite. More trial and error didn’t help much, but it was pretty fucking funny. It was pretty god damn close to Barack Obama too, maybe if it was Russell Crowe doing an Obama impression. And Dave Chappelle doing Russell Crowe sounded like Robin Leach. And Chappelle doing Jack Nicholson sounds like Woody Allen. AND NONE OF THEM COULD SAY MILK CORRECTLY AND SO WE NOW KNOW THAT ALL CELEBRITIES SAY MELK!!! So anyways, some 80 year old body builder just recently got busted for steroids, and god damn if I don’t want to just let that slide. He got caught right as he was in the process of trying to set another world record for old mother fuckers that refuse to give up the ghost. Which just goes to prove, the best time to get roided out is when your old, kinda like the best time to strap an extra hundred horsepower to a Toyota Tercel is when you know it’s gonna need a bunch more work soon anyways and you wanna send it out with a bang. Tully is fully on board with getting yoked the fuck out just long enough that his great grandkids could see it so they would all have the experience of finding his corpse all folded up on a Bowflex machine when the shit finally catches up to him. Speaking of fit ass mother fuckers, UFC happened over the weekend, and I didn’t watch it cause I was at a wedding and busy slamming some Canadian vajayjay, but according to the boys it was pretty awesome and if you checked it out yourself, you’d probably agree. There was a bunch more UFC talk that I had trouble following because I don’t keep any track of it and know nothing about organized sports, but it sounded like they all knew what they were talking about. Somehow the conversation turned to Ellis retiring and becoming a pirate, but not one of the sick fucked up modern ones, like a Disneyland ride pirate. The topic turned to retirement and how it sucks to get old and not have that bodybuilder money to pump yourself full of illegal substances with. But if you’re smart about it, you can be like Backbone Cullen’s friend and take your retirement on installments when you’re young, just work your ass off for a couple years at a time then go do some awesome shit for a couple months then come back and do it again. Cullen was also kind enough to bring up Iggy Pop and how he’s pretty much the most ghoulish figure in all of rock and roll, but god damn if he doesn’t look exactly the same as he did in 1992. Could do for a hip replacement and some roids, but other than that he’s pretty much in tip top shape. Tully got the idea that it would be awesome to make a kids movie full of double entandres that would work for the kids to have some good clean fun and the parents are all laughing their asses off at two hours of dick and fart jokes. Ellis was at the beach with the kids and they started yelling about how they were “doing it doggy style” while they were digging in the sand and it just reminded him that kids know way more than we think, and if they don’t, they’re at least hearing stuff they shouldn’t and applying it in their own way. Rawdog promptly finished cumming in something right about this time, as the guys started talking about when it became cool to call your dick a dick. And also why Moby still sucks. Also about how colorizing old black and white movies is a fucking travesty and should never be done and how Ted Turner can smoke a fat rock of crack off Humphrey Bogart’s dead cock. And with that the guys took a break to get ready for a special guest.

POT NEWS TIME GUYS!!! And I know I should be less enthusiastic when I talk about it since it is such a mellow thing to do, but some people are just so into it I really can’t help trying to fuck with them a little bit while they’re trying to settle into a groove. Another great way to harsh someone’s mellow would be to start unleashing naked old people at all the nightclubs they don’t want to go to. But hey, you gotta buy em a drink at least, if they showed up they’ve pretty much earned it. Anyways, some guy who was running a grow operation accidentally killed himself when he tripped a home made piano wire booby trap and came just an inch or two away from decapitating himself. Of course it was hikers that found the body, and they claim that they weren’t on their way to steal from this old fucktarded hippy. The guys toyed around with the question of who would you like to kill most by way of booby trap and what kind of trap would it be? Jason’s idea was to have a shark tank just beyond his front door so that everyone who comes inside walks into a watery grave. Rawdog coked up the idea to have razor wire strung across the street right at head level so that anybody who drove through it would get their head chopped off, of course he didn’t quite consider that it wouldn’t be physically possible to make it happen due to the way cars are engineered today, and the fact that razor wire can pretty much never be strong enough to conquer the framing and double glazing of a windshield, but hey, if it’s a really low hung cable, it might flip the car right over, once again, not quite understanding how physics really works regarding force and motion and the fulcrum effect and metallurgy and tensile strength of the materials in question, but hey, it could still work, right? There was some argument about what is or is not a booby trap and it kinda seems like Tully was the only one who really got it. Tully’s idea was to have a bucket of flaming vegetable oil on top of a door so that everyone who walks through gets doused in some pretty nasty shit. And speaking as someone who almost started a grease fire making some tempura a couple weeks ago, it is totally true what Ron White said about not making bacon naked, cause those teeny little grease splatters landing all over your nips and balls are no fun, just imagine if it was on fire and all over you. That shit would suck. Some debate started over whether or not this would kill anybody, but even if they lived, they would probably pull the plug on themselves as soon as the nurse walked away. Jason got another idea to challenge someone to a dance-off and have the dance floor rigged up to rise out of the foundation in the building and then dump him off to his death. Tully had a more practical idea to just drop a chandelier on them, and Jason agreed that the logistics were probably a little more workable for that than reenacting a scene from Flash Gordon. Rawdog updated his idea to be kind of like a camouflaged hole in the road on the way up to his house and having a big paper mache blanket covering it up right in the middle of Sunset Boulevard and putting some cones around it so only his intended victim would drive over it and not just some poor schmuck who doesn’t know better. Of course, the conversation had to come back around to who would be the victim of all these possible booby traps, and Tully just had to jump on Spike Lee’s ass, and it’s not a black thing, it’s a “You’re done, and the world is done with you” kind of thing. Jason suggested Woody Allen cause banging your adopted daughter is some straight up creepy shit and I couldn’t agree more that he needs to suffer a slapstick end to his existence. Then Tully started doing a little more research and Soon Ye may or may not be a case of human trafficking, but after all these years it seems to almost be a success story. Another great success story that Tully found in the news, is about a guy over in the UK who broke into an acquaintance’s house and forced himself on her, only to find out later on after being arrested for it that the woman was HIV positive! See kids, sometimes Karma just works, maybe not on your personal schedule, but god dammit it works. And please don’t take my exclamation points and upbeat manner of talking that I’m happy about this, I hope this guy dies a slow and painful death in jail, and it sounds like this guy really did get the greatest cosmic punishment that can be levied down upon someone. If I were a church going man, I’d call it a smoting. That mother fucker got properly smote. The guys took some phone calls and right out of the gate the dumbest mother fucker called in to try and debunk Jason’s shark tank booby trap, and someone else called in to try and help Rawdog prove the case of his car shredding cable setup because during filming for the last Transformers movie a cable came loose and shredded one of the extras in her car and made a meat pie out of her and her vehicle. Someone else tried to suggest making a gas leak trap but that shit is lame and every asshole ever has tried that at some point or another. Another guy called to see if Ellis could give him some advice on how he can go visit his daughter cause his crazy bitch of an ex wife won;’t let him, and the best he could get after rattling off the story of what the whole situation is is that maybe the mom is fucking psycho and kicked him out for no reason and has now kind of kidnapped their child. But of course, without going through the proper legal channels, and because none of us have ever actually met this guy, I really wouldn’t know, but it certainly does have all the familiar symptoms of a “bitch being crazy”. Someone called in to suggest setting up a tar and feathering booby trap, cause what’s worse than being melted alive and getting a permanent chicken suit? This led to the topic of what would you be willing to suffer through to save your life if you were being melted alive in some way? Tully suggested that if you were on fire and all your buddies had explosive diarrhea that could potentially put it out, would you let them? And then Rawdog did a dramatic reenactment of this situation that gave us some of the best new sound drop buttons we’re gonna see for quite some time. Tully has been trying to be more respectful about where he smokes cigarettes, and Wilson had  to chime in about how his new hobby is fumigating babies when he steps out for a breather. Someone called in to back up Rawdog’s cable booby trap idea again, as it has been a useful tactic for military personnel in Iraq and the guys finally sorted out the details of how to successfully decapitate your asshole buddy. Basically, you’ve gotta rent a limo, have the driver go out to a predetermined spot and dirve around the same place over and over, stick your whole torso out and enjoy the freedom for a while, then tell your victim that he should try it and when he does, signal the go ahead to whoever you have operating the head separator 9000 system and Robert is your mother’s brother. And just for good measure, add a shit ton of scorpions in case plan A doesn’t pan out as expected. Or rabid raccoons. Or platypus. Tully found a story about a woman who got charged by a raccoon and trapped it under her jacket but couldn’t get up or it would get out and resume the attack, so she wiggled her cell phone out and called her husband and him and the son had to bash the little fucker’s head in for 20 minutes because rabies will keep you going in a manner similar to PCP. And since there’s been so much talk about Meisha Tate coming in, the guys decided to take one last quick break to see if they could get her settled in before the show ends and they all turn into pumpkins.

In sad news, former heavyweight boxing champion Tommy Morrison died recently. He was the guy who starred in Rocky V and he also tested positive for the AIDS, even though he denied that it even existed. His wife was behind his bullshit a hundred and ten percent. But more importantly, Rawdog still can’t do a Dave Chappelle impression without sounding like a 1950’s Klan member. However his Foghorn Leghorn is spot on, turn of the century bigotry and all. Of course this led to Ellis learning a little more about the wonderful history of America’s white devil and the words that have been used that kinda shouldn’t be bad but have become that way cause honkies got no fucking respect. Speaking of racism, Mexico is just like Japan, just not as much rice, other than that, same fucking place. Although I’ve never seen a Mexican eat raw fish or make a cartoon about tentacle rape, but still, same god damn thing. Miesha Tate finally stopped in to chat with the guys for a bit. If you don’t know, shes’ one of the few female UFC fighters in a group that’s starting to grow the bigger the sport gets. According to her, women fighters are just as crazy and catty as regular women, cause her last opponent actually WON and is still acting like a bitch and talking a whole bunch of shit like somehow it’s gonna make her belt bigger or add some 24″ triple chrome spinners on it or some shit. The last time Jason went to see Miesha fight he was stoned out in the crowd and the Diaz brothers were sitting in the same row and just had to get by to hit the bathroom and god damn if they didn’t both fire off a hairy eyeball towards Ellis while he was trying to be polite enough to let them out for a tinkle. There was UFC talk and a few mentions of how it’s hot as fuck to have a girl who won’t tap, but also a little scary, but that actually makes it better. Miesha’s had to flex on a few dudes when they start giving her dirty looks in public and they almost always back down, proving that you don’t always want to tussle with a pro fighter, cause even the ladies would probably lay a pretty well deserved bitch slap across your grille before violating you with their massively engorged clitoris. Miesha has also recently gotten into motocross and Ellis is just that much more enthralled to have this lady on the show after all this time. She’s not gonna be in X-Games anytime soon, cause apparently if you case it on the landing, it does still hurt the vagina, and if it’s one of those really massive future vaginas it’s probably worse than a load of birdshot to the balls for us guys. There was more fight talk about how to adjust your technique to compensate for different fighters (like say, some guy who really likes ice cream sandwiches and called for a rematch even though he said the first fight was rigged?) Ellis would like to be a guest coach at the next Miesha Tate fight just so that he could go way too far with his cage side banter and maybe slice his chest open like that one Native American dude in Predator and talk all kinds of shit to the level of getting escorted out of the building. There was more business talk and Ellis did his best not to mention Miesha’s tits, even though I’m sure he would be very interested in them, as pretty much anybody would cause, c’mon tits dude, fuckin’ tits. There was also some talk about how Jason probably wouldn’t win a fight with her, but if they were going out and he came home after a long day and she was asleep, well then all bets off mother fuckers, cause Jason is from Australia and they’re some savages when they got a chance to gang up on somebody in their sleep. The interview ran all the way through the end of the show, and there were no final calls, so I have no negative remarks for humanity today. But you should all still watch your ass, cause I probably want 80% of you fucking dead.

When I was young, my favorite time of year was Christmas. It was the one time of year when people were friendlier to each other, and the spirit of giving was alive and well, and nobody looked twice at you if you were a kid sitting on the sidewalk in front of a dive bar at the far end of the ghetto waiting for your dad to finish sleeping off how he wasted his Christmas bonus.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,