It’s what we’ve all been waiting for since Ellis signed off on Tuesday, guys, it’s time to find out what went on in New York City in the big contract meeting of doom that may or may not have been all that doomy and equally may or may not have involved lots and lots of use of the Daddy Voice!! As you probably know there was a ‘Best Of’ in place of the regular show for Wednesday as Ellis took a trip to NYC (we over here on the East Coast just call it The City because we all know that, really, it’s the only city that matters) to talk contract with SiriusXM big-wearing wigs…or maybe the wigs are big and the guys are small…or the wigs just look big but they big bosses have small heads…whatever…SiriusXM BigWigs were Daddy Voiced into submission by Ellis and then he returned to California to be the voice on the radio that you didn’t listen to today (I assume since you are here reading this lovely recap on this even lovelier website) and he is happy to be back under the California sun and probably even happier because all of the bullshit is over and done with. Ellis informed us that it was sunny in NY as well, which actually surprised the hell outta me since I woke up yesterday morning and my car was floating down the driveway, just about, thanks to the twelve inches of rain that fell a mere 45 minutes east of Manhattan…but no one really cares about me, everyone wants to know what’s up with the contract!!!!
not gonna tell you yet though cause before Ellis talks contract he needs HotDog to get him some coffee and by the way HotDog, do you ever go out in the sun and OH NY GOD YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY TAKE CARE OF YOUR BACK OF THE NECK HAIR BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS AT LEADT THREE LEVELS OF OFFENSIVE! Back of the neck HotDog hair (and btw saying hotdog hair in my head as I write this has made me never ever want to eat a hotdog again cause…ick) was exposed when HotDog was telling Ellis that he does go out in the sun and yesterday while Ellis was negotiating his still hairless balls off, the Hotdog and family were at Universal Studios doing it up Gangster Style with a VIP ultra inclusive behind the scenes tour- so take that!!
On to the juicy- Ellis stayed at The Night Hotel in NYC which he explicitly did a shout out for because of how much they fucking sucked!!!! Ellis laments that he was late to all of his meetings because his key card to get into the room was constantly faulty and he didn’t know why he bothered anyway as he was only traveling with a backpack and he only used the room to shower because the bed in his room was 5yo race car bed sized. Total bust. Ellis then went on to say that he wasn’t a fan of NYC in general to which I said, “whatever,” but he was more interested in the grassy bits he had to pass to get back to the airport where he hung out for four hours to unwind rather than try and figure out something to do in THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD. But, whatever, kept you hanging on long enough so I’ll get to the contract. WIN. Ellis is soon to be signed on (cause no actual signing has taken place as of yet) for two more years at SiriusXM, though he is not contractually obligated to continue broadcasting in the event of some tragic untimely death in those 2 years. Ellis wasn’t completely handed over control of his own channel but Faction is going to be Faction With Jason Ellis and Ellis has control over 10 solid hours of Faction in addition to being able to add a one hour show, and also he, Tully, Wilson, and Backbone will have more day over what is played on Faction with Jason Ellis. Also, Rawdog Channel will soon commence playing TJES replays on the weekends and one weekend per month there will be a TJES takeover on Faction. To the behind the scenes stuff…starting Monday the show will have an engineer on staff to help with any I that pesky microphone buzzing or spun issues or computer issues or whatever an engineer does to help prevent a wide array of technical difficulties. TJES will also have a Real Producer who has all kinds of credentials and radio street cred who can book fancy guests that don’t want to be on the show now because they communicate with Cumtard. Sorry, love you Cumtard. The show has also been given a bigger budget and approval to do more remote shows and things like that to let them interact more with all of us wonderful fans!! Ellis is pretty happy with the whole thing and says that it’s probably better he wasn’t really given his whole own separate channel at this point in the game because he never really realized how much went into all of this shite and he doesn’t really want to be aggravated about what’s going on on the radio at two in the morning with some stupid DJ doing something moronic that doesn’t involve doing kettle bell swings between playing songs. Ellis talks a little bit about plans for October since there will be no Ellismania this year and it seems there will be some sort of event going on in that terrible New York City place October 18 – 26 involving HorseForce, maybe a cricket game, and an EMX qualifier fight. I got bummed a little bit cause I have a wedding to attend on the 19th…but then I was like ‘weddings are for getting drunk (such a romantic, I am) so who’s gonna care if I show up hungover and proceed with some Hair of the Dog type cure?!?! Fucking no one.
After that talk turns quickly over to the fact that Ellis is going to be racing UTV’s Saturday and Sunday at Lake Elsinore (thank you google for spelling assistance on that one) and everyone and anyone is invited to check that out. Ellis is a little wary because he has to bring the kiddies and he knows Devin isn’t going to be all that into it, but you know what, tough shit. Sometimes being a kid means doing things and going places that you don’t. Tully is quick to agree with this because he has suddenly found himself being a parent who goes to the park every night because that’s what his kid wants to do and he doesn’t really want to go to the park every night but not he’s caught in the vicious cycle of routine. They talk back and forth about the good old days before portable computers that fit in your pocket where you had a grand old time playing with sticks and rocks and the magic substance created when you added water to dirt. Ellis thinks kids today are nowhere near up to the snuff of kids of yesteryear and if he were five years old today going up against any of the five year olds of today, he’d be able to shit whip any of them. To subject you all to my own perspective, Hubbs and I are currently knee deep in the whole issue of having a kid used to his iPad or going to fairs and festivals or bounce houses every weekend and, now that he’s five cannot stop telling us how bored he is if we are not constantly entertaining him. Ugh. Seriously he tried telling me the other day I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to leave him in our fenced in non-pool backyard for two minutes the other day while I ran inside to gets his nerf gun. I dealt with this by laughing, telling him I’m sure he would be alright standing on the porch alone for two minutes and taking my sweet ass time finding new batteries for the nerf gun. Ellis took a couple of calls from fans congratulating him on the contract and electing themselves for a one hour show and we got to hear from OxyCotten John whose idea for ‘Sober Hour with Oxy John’ is a decidedly terrible one.
Back from the break there is a guest in studio who looks like Ellis, is from Australia, and has no idea what TJES is just that’s he’s heard that he looks like the guy who hosts the show…his name is Paul de Gelder and he even sounds a lot like Ellis except that Ellis has that twinge of American in his accent that reveals that he has sold his soul to America. Paul de Gelder is a former Navy Paratrooper/diver kind of guy, which he explains is like the equivalent of being a US Navy Seal who is a current Motivation Speaker and Shark Weeker and Shark Attack Survivor. In other words, he is Ellis’ future Aussie Bestie. They went through Aussie Bro-downs throughout the interview- talking about drinking beer, where they grew up and went to school (which from the way they talked was pretty close to one another), and Ellis expressed a lot of envy over Paul’s robot arm, robot leg, and shark attack story. What was the shark attack story? Well, to try and nutshell it, Paul was swimming in Sydney Harbor for a training exercise and was on his back when a shark came swimming along, thought he looked enough like a seal and chomped into his right thigh. Paul said his first instinct was to do what, by now, we’ve all heard is the thing to do and try and poke it in it’s eye and punch it’s nose, but he wasn’t completely able to because the shark also had his right hand which had been at his side and he couldn’t quite reach it with the left hand. The shark pulled him under the water and started in on the death shake which ripped out his hamstring along with other thigh meat and destroyed his hand. He gets out of the sharks mouth and goes to swim towards his safety boat when he realizes that he can’t swim with his right non-hand and bitten leg and does the best as he can with his left side while trying to keep his right arm above his heart (which he credits to his army training). He gets pulled on to the boats by his friends and promptly passes out and they tourniquet his leg and awakes to his friend Tom-O punching his chest because he thinks his heart stopped and Paul was dying. Paul says this is when he started thinking “today sucks” and the seriousness of the situation sunk in because his friends could not stop swearing and he made the request to Tom-o to “get someone to look after my motorcycle” cause, Aussie Priorities, yo. He was given lots and lots of drugs for the pain including medical grade cocaine (Red Dragons) and after having his hand amputated and the Doctor telling him that if they saved his leg it could catch on fire and he wouldn’t even realize it, Paul recalls telling the doctor, “Doc, just take my leg and turn me into a terminator.” This guy was really funny, I loved it. He talked about his robot hand and prosthetic leg a bunch, describing the different things his hand could do like ‘beer drinking mode’, ‘nipple gripple mode’, and ‘robot gentleman mode’, and demonstrated to Ellis and Tully a button the sir that made it go all floppy. They talked a bit about fighting and training and how they have twin floppy noses from being broken and Ellis catching punches with his nose as a fighting tactic, and then they talked sharks. Paul holds no Ill will towards the animals and, in fact, loves them and is up to his eyeballs in Shark Activism to save the sharks as they are being killed off and as Apex Predators (aka the things at the top of the food chain) killing them has very far reaching effects that would come to harm humans as well. He mentions that he’ll be going in Shark After Dark that night for Shark Week on the Discovery channel (he was awesome, I watched ye replay of it at like one in the morning and he was super funny and charming and didn’t let Chelsea Handler’s epic plastic surgery face spook him) and he talked a bit about the special he filmed for shark week called Great White Matrix which will air on Saturday involving studying Great White Pups and how they learn to be Great White Predators. All in all he was a great guest and will hopefully be back as a guest in the future after he moves from Australia to Los Angeles with his Beauty Queen girlfriend. He was a great, very entertaining and charming guest and if you have On Demand I would definitely recommend checking out Paul de Gelder on TJES, and in the meantime check him out on social media he is pauldegelder everywhere.
Back from the break following the Aussie Bro Down invasion Tully brings us some random news stories which included some guy who was a caretaker at an old house and found a bunch of whiskey from 1912 that was valued at over a hundred thousand dollars and proceeded to drink it all and then die before he can get prosecuted (from something that probably wasn’t related to drinking all of that whiskey). Also some old lady managed to fly on a plane without paying for a ticket but she won’t explain to the media exactly how she dd it because she’s an American and doesn’t want the terrorists to know. In other news more directly related to The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis has been challenged to the ALS ice bucket challenge by Sam Schacher and he wants to make it really awesome because he’s been challenged a couple of times and this time he really has to actually get it done. They toss ideas back and forth and take calls from listeners where Ellis thinks about doing a Moto jump through a sheet of ice, but eventually settles on getting a bucket of ice water dumped on his head after being punched by Keith Jardine since they’re sparring in the morning anyway. And Ellis is gonna make the $100 donation to ALS research as well.
Next up Tully has a clip of yet another weird and disturbing Canadian PSA which featured puppets singing a song about not putting things in their mouth. It was cheery and prolly should have been remixed to include a ‘that’s what she said’ after every line and I got a good tweet out of it involving me sucking Hubbs’ cock so it didn’t bring me down. Will comes in to get some Wolfknives names out of the way and they only do a couple because Mike Catherwood showed up (leaving me wondering what happened with the whole Heidi and Frank versus Ellis and Tully password game that was discussed on Tuesday) so welcome to the pack Pool Hogan, Gamma Gangster, Wet Blowjob, El Guzy, and Shark Dick!!!!
Mike Catherwood is in the studio for yet another show within a show, but this time it’s a different show within a show with a sick into called Fuckline. So, you know, it’s like Loveline except with Dr. Ellis and Dr. Tully cohosting and a lot more cursing and a lot less beating around the bush using sciencey sounding words. It was a great, hilarious segment that was not lacking for calls from fans looking for advice in their sex lives and we mostly learned that most sex acts can be made successful with the use of poppers and vicodin. It also comes out that you either have sexual chemistry with someone or you don’t and if you’re wife just wants you to whore fuck her all the time there are deeper issues in the relationship, but if you masturbate so much that you no longer want to bother with the whole intimacy thing thn you should just whore fuck her and get it over with. A call comes in from a girl looking for advice as she’s been getting sexually suggestive picture messages from a coworker at in opportune times, but Mike calls out the caller ‘Tiffany’ as Sam Schacher and tells her it’s alright if she’s really calling about the anal sex problem she and her husband have because he’s hung like a horse. Another female caller who wanted to suggest having a female cohost for Fuckline gets brought in on the call and advises Sam to reach for the tequila and feel lucky that she has Luxury Problems. Fuckline was really hilarious an was interspersed with conversations about what could be making Ellis’s jaw all cracky and painful and what he should do about it. They settle on the fact that it’s probably TMJ caused by chomping down on too much Beave…and talk about Luxury Problems! Haha…I’m sympathetic to the whole TMJ thing because I suffer from it and it really does hurt and it’s really annoying and it was always mildly embarrassing getting it treated because I got the treatment from my boss and another coworker and they would routinely advise me to refrain from sucking so much dick…and I think we all know how well that worked out.
And that’s about all folks!!!! A great show this Thursday, sorry for the delay in posting the recap!!!! Xoxo