A Bitch’s Opinion on The Awesome Guide To Life

Here’s the deal- I’m a girl (woman/female/lady/bitch please feel free to use whichever, because I basically don’t care) and I am a listener of The Jason Ellis Show. I also write for the wonderful fansite, No You Are, which is where you’re reading this now- in case you got lost. I’ve been pretty excited for The Awesome Guide to Life to be released and I finished it in one sitting because I’m weird like that. I loved it. Straight up loved it- especially the end. If you haven’t gotten there yet, I don’t intend to spoil it for you, but I found it so uplifting. So motivating. But…I have a problem.

The problem I’m having is with the slew of negative reviews coming from my fellow females (and I’m personally cringing as I label them ‘fellows’ but genetics are what they are) which are centered solely around one chapter, “How To Be A Chick”. The derision is aimed at his referencing females as ‘girls’ as opposed to ‘women’, his opinion on how girls talk, how girls dress, how girls handle themselves, how girls handle dicks, you know…anything that he says about women in the space of 13 pages. I could quip, I could make fun of these reviewers for their bad jokes or misplaced defensiveness, or hate on them for the underhanded stabs they take at Ellis’ character without knowing a thing about him, but I’m trying to be the better person here, and I’m just going to give you my honest opinion instead.

First off- I’m not sure if any of these lady reviewers got the memo…but this book isn’t exactly supposed to be taken seriously. Or maybe I was the only one who got the memo and it was a prank to make me look bad, but…I laughed a lot reading this. I mean, yeah, I found this in the ‘Self-Improvement’ section of the bookstore, but everyone knows this is rather satirical, right? Yeah, the bare bones of the text are meant as a loose guide on how to live a better life, but it is not a literal suggestion of everything that you should do in life. Yes, there is a chapter on picking up strippers and prostitutes, but that chapter also says that it isn’t for everyone. Yes, there is a chapter on how to party which talks about taking drugs, but that chapter tells you that drugs are bad and dangerous and aren’t for everyone. Do I need to go on, or are you catching what I’m throwing?

Secondly- Jason Ellis is not hating on…anyone. Ugh…lie…he’s hating on people who are choosing to not live their life to the fullest. Yes, he makes comments about fat people being stupid, because it disappoints him that people become sedentary, become comfortable, and give up. No one’s yelling at the man for calling smokers disgusting. Why? Because smoking fucking kills you. Guess what? So does being obese. Ellis is urging readers to take better care of themselves, take responsibility for their health, and informing them that there is hope and a way to change. Don’t be a pile of shit- start jogging now. That reaction from the Houston Press Blogger really got me- she made a big deal of mentioning that she shouldn’t jog for cardiovascular health or for it feeling good but so she doesn’t turn into a bag of shit. And I’m over here like, “Yeah, well, jogging is good for your heart, good for stress, and all that…so it definitely sounds like it helps you to not be a bag of shit, now doesn’t it?”

Third- I’m sure that these reviews have been done with reactionary purposes in mind (to get people talking about their blog/website/etc) as they blatantly ignore or gloss over any of the irrefutable positive aspects of the book. But Jenni, how can there possibly be something positive in a book written by a chauvinist, ego-maniacal, homophobe? I hate you, if you really think that, but those are some of the words being used to describe the author, so I thought I’d throw them out there. This book spends a lot of time telling guys to not be dicks to ladies, to take responsibility for themselves, their relationships, to be good fathers and partners (even after a divorce, if it happens), and that you are in control of your life so you better do something good with it. He tells the readers that they can accomplish great things by putting in the time and effort, because he came from nothing. Nothing. He lived through terrible shit and didn’t throw himself a pity party…he made something out of himself, and he wants to tell people that if he can do it, so can they. Yeah, he’s a dick.

Now…How To Be A Chick. It’s the big hot button right now…and I don’t know what to really say about it. How about, you’re welcome ladies, for getting pure, unfiltered insight into the male mind? I don’t know if it’s because I love someone who expresses himself just as bluntly as Ellis tends to and I’m used to it, or if it’s because I am familiar with the concept of subtext, but I wasn’t offended in the least by this chapter. Again, it probably helps that I read the rest of the book where he talks about always being nice to women, leaving them love notes, buying them flowers because you love them and not because it’s Valentine’s day, and always being a gentleman, but I see no harm in him expressing to women that yeah, sex sells, but a guy would rather have a hint of cleavage then a full on nip-slip waiting to happen, that guys will notice your feet so keep that in mind around pedicure time, and yeah, you should probably take care of yourself if you want to live for a long time. He wrote one chapter on how to be a chick…he wrote the rest of the goddamn book about how not to be a shitbag, loser, guy who will never have sex. Ladies, we kind of got off easy here. And so far as him being a chauvinist, or a pig, or anti-feminist or whatever…how about this to think about- he said the same shit to us that he said to the men, treated us no different, and didn’t sugar coat it because we have boobies. He treated us equally. So stop bitching about it.

I listen to The Jason Ellis Show damn near every day. The show has helped me through some of the worst times in my adult life. I talk to hundreds, if not thousands, of fellow fans. He has helped people with drug addictions, with depression, with their weight- he genuinely wants people to be healthy and happy. He is a supporter of gay rights, a friend to many classes of people that most people of any notoriety tend to treat with kid gloves if not outright ignore them, and he thinks women are awesome, beautiful, and should be treated with the utmost respect. Okay, he is really rough around the edges- but, as he said himself- he was born with a kind heart. If you’re not in on the joke, take some time and listen to his radio show on SiriusXM. There’s a 30 day free trial on the website…you can listen to him for a month for free. Maybe actually go back and read the book, and the first one for that matter, and come back here and tell me your mind hasn’t been changed.

 

Hate me for my opinion? Feel free to tweet me @jennimazky on twitter.

 

 

Show Recap for Friday 2/14/2014

Yesterisday as you may or may not know, yours truly was on air with Rude Jude at SiriusXM in New York City!! That’s not the point, though. The point is that Jude brought us down to where Cullen aka The Backbone works to give him a good natured ribbing about how shitty the SiriusXM app is…he wasn’t there…and today the app fucked with my life big time. Of course. And yeah, I know he has no control over how good or bad the app is, it was gonna be an LOL sesh…and it just sort of figures that today it decided to give me a shit time. Honestly, I am still so pumped after all that happened yesterday (which I will do a full write up of that will be posted tomorrow, I promise :) that I’m not as pissed abound it as I would be on an ordinary day, but I do apologize in advance if this recap is not quite up to snuff. But, you love me, right?

Today is valentine’s day! Which is weird, so says Ellis, and I tend to agree with him o  that one. Ellis proclaims thay v-day is a fake holiday because he doesn’t get a day off for it and he doesn’t need the government telling him when to tell his chick that he loves her. Cause he loves her everyday. Son. Ellis says he does feel the pressure a bit because Katie has ‘hopeless romantic’ tattooed on her forearm, but she’s also the dummy who fell in love with a guy who forgets stuff. Not to worry though, cause he did get her flowers and made her a card. Tully thinks more people think of v-day as a greeting card holiday as opposed to a government conspiracy holiday, and speaking of greeting cards and conspiracies…why the fuck do cards cost 4 times as much now than they did 10 years ago? And for that matter,  how come Hallmark has the monopoly on greeting cards? Sure, there are other greeting card companies, but no one brings in the dough like the gold crown does, and if you disagree- it’s because you’re lying to yourself. Ellis talks about how he thinks that people think that if you go around making a card for your chick that you aren’t all that awesome because it doesn’t usually result in a professional looking object. Tully adds a qualifier stating that it’s uncool if you go around making things as gifts for people because you’re cheap, but if you do it because you really love that person and want to give them something one of a kind and from the heart, then you’re pretty cool. I agree…if you make me something- I keep that shit forever. Before we started working together Hubbs dropped by my office and doodled something for me on a post it note while I was helping a patient and I still have that post it note doodle. Homemade shit is the best.

Tully mentions that he sounds all nasally, which you couldn’t hear since you’re reading this and probably didn’t therefore listen to the show at all and it’s because he has allergies. No, it wasn’t because of his allergies that yesterday was a ‘Best Of’ day instead of a live show. It’s allergies…if he had been sick again and was gonna miss the show they would have just had Christian in like on Monday. No, the reason that there was no show yesterday had nothing to do with the fact that I couldn’t listen because I was hanging with Rude Jude (yeah, I’m mentioning it again…it’s gonna make me feel cool for…ever, or at least like a week or something) and Ellis thought it was best not to test the loyalty of Ellisfam should he be disappointed (like I would win, anyway, way to be flattering Ellis), it was because Ellis was really sleep deprived and in the throes of an all day panic attack. Ellis takes some pills to help him sleep at night and it can be hard for him to get to the doctor’s office to get his prescription because he is a busy man doing radio, making books, and trying to entertain us like the super amazing man that he is, and his script ran out. He did talk to his doctor’s receptionist who he said became super interested in helping him out once he mentioned that he had a book out, but due to a communication error between him and Katie, the prescription was never picked up. At first Ellis thought that he was gonna going to be okay but after falling asleep at midnight and waking up an hour later he kind of knew that shit was going to suck hard. And it did. He sent texts out canceling his plans for yesterday, and by ten in the morning he was in full panic attack mode and didn’t even want to be near his phone. He said having panic attacks isn’t as bad as it used to be, because at this point he knows what they are and knows that he isn’t going to die, but they still suck mad balls, yo. He hung with the kids, although he wasn’t on top of his Daddy Ellis game due to the anxiety and sleep deprivation, but he still was a good dad and got kicked in the balls a few times whole wrestling around with Tiggie. By the end of the night he had his prescription and put Devin to bed before passing out, although he is pretty sure he fell asleep before Devin did.

A crazy person said some shit to Katie this morning but promptly shut the fuck up after Ellis told him that if he didn’t that he would have the crazy smacked from his face. Tully said he and his wife and DudeBro encountered a crazy person on their walk last night and they talked about how a lot of crazy people pop off at the mouth at women because they are easy targets. Tully thinks that it’s because everyone in the world likes to feel powerful and exercise that power in some way, and when you’re a crazy person, the only people you can really have power over are ladies. Last night in Manhattan Hubbs and I had a crazy person incident (and really we were lucky cause, you know, Manhattan) and Hubbs went the Ellis route and told the guy he’d slap the teeth out of his mouth if he kept bothering me. And poof…all of a sudden the guy wasn’t that crazy anymore and he walked away with an apology, probably to go bother some other girl who didn’t have a scary tattooed guy with her. They then discuss that there is definitely a difference between crazy on drugs people and crazy mentally disabled people and the people who can’t help being crazy get a pass because most of the time they aren’t aware that they are on Earth and the people around them aren’t soul sucking monsters. Ellis also went on a riff about Detective Stabler from Law and Order SVU and his batshit crazy daughter and crazy batshit mom and…I don’t feel the need to rehash it because if you are a fan of Law and Order SVU you already know what I’m talking about, and if you aren’t…it’s on Netflix and this schmabibble erupts around season 8.

Time for some Wolfknives names with Will!!! But first, Ellis gives him a home made Valentine that says “Will you bean mine?” Which is awesome on so many levels that it’s hard to comprehend. Without further ado…welcome to the Wolfknives The Spanish Crowe, Hot Box, B.A. Baracus, Necklace Raccoon, Ol’ Scabby, Charlie Chapstick, Dave the Grapest, The Grapey, Ass To Mouth, Huge Tits, The Sweaty Latino, Squatch, and Loogie Howser!!!! Do us proud!!!

Tully brings up that Katie is going to be dropping by, and Ellis says that yeah, she is, but first she’s dropping something off somewhere for Devin’s braces. Ellis says that Devin is adjusting really well to life with braces and says that she feels like it’s also helping to open her nasal passages so she can breathe better. Two birds…one stone. Tully mentions that he slept with a nose strip on last night because apparently he is a horrible snorer and his wife asked him to do it (most likely because his allergies are acting up) and that shit worked like a charm. How bad is his snoring? Well, back when he was younger one of his girlfriends invited her friend over just to listen to him snore. That sounds pretty bad to me, I mean, if one of my friends made me come over to hear her man snore, the walls better be shaking. All I’m saying. He used to even tell his girlfriends to kick him out of bed if his snoring was too loud, because he didn’t want to listen to them complain about not being able to sleep because of him. Ellis says that he snores every once in a while also, but usually only when Fifty is in bed snoring with him. Which is kind of weird.

Back from the break is where my app fucked up and decided to jump around in time and I came in in the middle of a conversation about some lady who wrote a negative review about Ellis’ new book The Awesome Guide To Life, which is available for pre-order right now at theawesomeguidetolife.com. She seems to take issue with the fact that Ellis is a chauvenistic pig, which she thinks because she obviously has never heard a joke before and lives an exceptionally literal lifestyle.  SMH it’s girls like her that give the rest of us a bad name. But anyway,  now Katie is in the studio to draw an accurate representation of Ellis’ dick in one copy of the book,  which one lucky customer will receive in the mail in only a few days time!!!!!!!!! Katie wants to draw it on Ellis’ face,  but gets beaten down by him and Tully and agrees the best place for it is probably on the plain white title page. Ellis takes his dick out of his pants and after some discussion as to how it should be drawn, Katie sets to work. Ellis stops her about halfway through because he is offended that she isn’t drawing it actual size and makes her label it as such. She then starts to work on a new book and Tully almost sees Jason’s manhood when he leans back in his chair and sees the mirrored ceiling staring back at him. HAHA. I dont believe that he didn’t see it, but would rather keep it to himself and cherish that memory forever. When Katie is done Will wants to see the drawing and then  immediately regrets it because Katie is a good artist and he will never be able to unsee that image. This makes Ellis not want to give the book away because he wants to posess something that can so easily amd effectively ruin someone’s life.

Tully made some special Valentine’s chocolates with some gnarly ingredients for Jetta and Cumtard to try in their V-day themed game.  Wilson helps out by rattling off some statistics and the guys have to try and guess if they’re accurate or not.  During this game we learn that 25% of americans would consider religious conversion for love,  Cumtard would rather eat a chocolate covered dog turd than a chocolate covered onion,  51% of married couples would rather spend today with their pet than their spouse,  49% of guys would dump their girlfriend if she got fat,  and chocolate candy really shouldn’t be made with Japanese spices,  mayonnaise, garlic, oysters,  or peppers.

Back from another break Fat Mike from NoFX is in the studio with his fiancee,  and as today is the holiday of love they are here to talk about when you love someone and you love either beating the shit out of them, or loving when they beat the shit out of you. BDSM is a game this couple has been in for a while now and they give a pretty good explanation of it to Ellis, or at least I think they do because my app shit out about thirty times while they were on the air, which is so sad because I really love the BDSM scene and so does Joe and inspiration is a wonderful thing.  My app does come back to life to hear Fat Mike’s fiancée whip Katie and I will definitely be downloading the episode on demand so I can hear whatever other goodies I may have missed during this segment.

At the end of the show Tully and Ellis bring Cumtard in to talK more about his love life and that’s when my app decided to die for good.  Sorry for how anticlimactic that was. I’m sure it was insightful and hilarious, and Cumtard probably still refused to embrace buttplay at some point. Final calls were probably very much like how final calls normally are,  and there may have even been a recapper… That I still prolly owned with this three quarters of a recap that I have spent the past hour and fifteen minutes typing out on my phone (because technology is really not on my side today and I am dedicated enough to do this from my fucking iphone because I love you guys and try not to suck too hard).

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!!