What’s up everybody! Jenni Mazky here to slap you in the face with my recapping lady boner! Haha, fooled you, I’m covering today for Jenni so your gonna get full on man boner today! Ellis started the show off saying that he’s a dude. A manly dude. A manly man dude that pays taxes and watches movies. And that manly man dude went and saw a movie where the guy cheated and then Ellis realized that he hurt a bunch of chicks because he cheated on them and feels bad. So if you’re one of the chicks Ellis screwed around on, he’s sorry, and thank you for reading these recaps. On the topic of movies, there’s a movie out called Walrus by Kevin Smith and, spoiler alert…. IT SUCKS! But not in a “The Notebook” kinda way, more like this movie is so dumb and aweful it’s brilliant. So go see it, but don’t do it sober, and don’t blame me if you don’t like it, you probably weren’t inebriated enough to fully get it. Ellis got shit whipped at gym this morning. He needed some face therapy to get his chakras and tang realigned. Tully brought up the subject of how you cheat. He wasn’t sure of the logistics of it and basically Ellis was all opportunity, if it was available he’d smash it. Tully figures that there’s three underlying reasons people cheat, the victory of the prize, getting to see someone naked, and of course, the sex. Sex is like pizza, even bad three day old cold pizza that’s still in the box feels good when you wrap it around your shaft like a dick pizza burrito.
Horse Force is gonna be in New York tomorrow month! Get your tickets yesterday.
Hogan’s Beach is a place in Florida that is cosigned by Hulk Hogan himself so you’d think it would be a pretty awesome place, well it is. Except for their racist dress code.
- No oversized t-shirts extending past the mid thigh brother!
- No excessively baggy attire brother!
- No low hanging pants or shorts brother!
- No hats facing sideways or back facing brother!
- No oversized or excessive jewelry brother!
- No camouflage (unless with military ID) brother!
- No workout clothing (including track suits, jump suits, sweat pants or basketball shorts) brother!
- No high-top sneakers brother!
This story started off a bit of Hollywood News, it’s been a while so fuck it, here ya go. The Situation and his brother failed to pay taxes on 9mil earned last year and now the IRS is up their ass deeper than Richard Gere’s gerbil. I think the worst part of the story isn’t that they didn’t pay their taxes but that those two douche nossles made 9mil. Fucking bullshit. I need abs and a gay ass haircut. The Edge is building 5 mansions side by side and pissing off his neighbors. They don’t give a shit about the houses, they just want that shitty U2 album off their phones. Enough about Hollywood, there were a couple more stories but I already met my quota. The Ultimate Fighter was the topic of the next discussion. They talked about that one chick that cried, the other chick that cried, and the chick that was crying because everyone makes fun of her because her witch like face is fun to make fun of. It’s only fair that God lets her win every Halloween costume contest and the rest of the year we get to giggle and say “yes my pretty.” But despite all the namby pamby drama there’s still gonna be blood on the mat, and most of it will be from cuts.
A Miami cop got fired because he tested positive for cocaine (shocker) but then he was reinstated after he explained that he never before in his life did bumps and then they figured out it was probably the cock cream he got from a Cuban dude in a dark alley. Fall TV time, basically all the shitty show’s are gonna lead to the end of the world. Nobody will survive, not even the Indians, feather not dot. The dot Indians will probably die too though but the other Indians think they’ll survive because their ancestors used to. Mother fuckers, my ancestors used to build windmills with rocks and wooden hammers, that doesn’t mean I can too. You go kill a buffalo with a sharp stick and show me what to do with every part, even the butthole. And don’t try to tell me they used it as a scrunchie or bracelet either! And on another note, hey Canada, stop being angry at us about Canada stuff, we just live here in regular houses without 14 months of ice and the threat of polar bear attacks. And then there were the callers. You can’t see it but I’m just shaking my head in disappointment like the time your dad caught you dancing to Girls Just Want To Have Fun.
The worlds most awesome mother made her kids class a bunch of cookies, but not just any cookies, vagina shaped cookies complete with love buttons so the kids can become more familiar with female anatomy and eating pussy. Speaking of eating pussy, see that segway, fucking pro, Ash Hollywood came in the studio. She visited, she didn’t actually
cum. So who is this mystery woman you ask. Is she a photographer? Does she work with animals? Does get people off on the radio and do porn? Well if you guessed the first two then you are a raging moron. She works with/for/on the same channel as Joanna and does a show two days a week where she helps lonely men flog the bishop and fulfill their deepest fantasies while parked in a truck stop way in the back. Today she taught Ellis and Tully the art of radio masturbation and then they gave it a shot and let me tell you friends, I’ve never been so turned on. I can only assume that the crotches of every girl in America and parts of Canada are moister than a scissor dance cookie wiggle session with Betty Crocker and Sara Lee. Aside from assisting with roadside wrestle matches with the one eyed purple headed yogurt slinger we learned that Ash is afraid of mall Santas, retards, and loves Pokemon. Okay not the last one but her fucking name is Ash, how could I not jam a Pokemon joke in there. Just like how she got jammed by Mr. Redbull cock and tore her vagina hole. After I thought I heard it all she mentioned the time she gave a chick a Wu-Tang. Now what is a Wu-Tang you ask, surprisingly it has nothing to do with ODB. She said its where you cram your hands into an emotionless body with a hole and make the Wu-Tang signs while smiling over your shoulder at the camera. Cleaner than the dirty waffle but not as much fun as the Cleveland steamer. But don’t take my opinion, just go ask yer mum, she’s the one that taught me the Kennebunkport Surprise, OH!