If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably wondering, “Who the fuck is Cody and why is this asshole putting words on my screen?!” Well, let me enlighten you: I’m your mum’s favorite play thing, your new step-daddy, and the newest Sherpa to lead you on the journey of debauchery that is TJES. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the show. Ellis starts off by mentioning how slick his back is and that being slick means being more aerodynamic, which in turn means being more on-point and awesome. Ellis also mentions that we’re all fish people since we came out of the water (which is technically true. Score one for Ellis). Tully is back from playing doctor with his family, who I presume got some of that dang ol’ Ebola going around these days. DAMN YOU, AFRICA! Wolfscrub, the coffee-based body scrub that Katie’s friend made, is now available for purchase so you too can rub coffee grounds all over yourself like a deranged barista whose had to make one too many pumpkin spice lattes to fuel the endless horde of white girls in yoga pants and Uggs that ravage the land during Fall. It’s OK, buddy, it’ll all be over soon. You can purchase the scrub at etsy.com/shop/wolfscrub.

Ellis was on Dr. Drew last night and had a little accident on his way there. Ellis arrived a little early to CNN and decided to hang outside and soak up the sun, but his stomach was still bothering him from a bug he contracted from Tiger. After wandering around for a bit, Ellis stopped to lean against a pole and felt a rumble in his stomach, a signal that can mean one of two things: either you fart and it’s no worries or you shit your pants like a filthy animal. Unfortunately for Ellis, it was the latter. With a fresh serving of butt-butter in his pants, Ellis ran over to a sports bar (where he used to fuck a chick on a bar-stool because he’s Ellis and that’s not the least bit surprising) to address his now soiled undies. After cleaning himself up and throwing his boxers away, he headed back to the CNN building. Ellis wanted to avoid being called out for any potential shit smell that might be lingering on him, so he decided to hang out on the green room couch. All the girls on the show decided to surround him for a photo, unaware of the atrocity that had befell him mere minutes ago.  Poor Ellis.

The UFC put some footage of Connor McGregor’s visit to the show in a video package promoting the upcoming fight, much to the delight of Ellis. Will stopped in to mention the Tony Hawk event that’s happening soon and a chance to win tickets to it. Go to siriusxm.com/faction for more info. Ellis is going to Australia for his Xmas vacation while Tully is going to Hawaii. How do you say, “Come at me, bitch!” in Hawaiian?

After the break, Hot Dog revealed that he also once shit his pants. He was watching TV and let out what he thought he was a fart, but it turned out to be a “soupie poopie”. He cleaned himself up and went back to watching TV. A few minutes later, he felt another fart coming and shit his pants yet again. Back-to-back pants shitting is about as rare as seeing Will run any distance for any length of time. It’s like a double rainbow or some shit. Ellis mentioned his TeraCross races being on CBS Sports in the coming weeks and Tully revealed that he will be crying like a little bitch on Sunday when he watches Derek Jeter play in his final game. Don’t worry, Tully, I cry over sports too because I’m a man whose comfortable with his feelings and FUCK YOU, I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO! Tully made-up a new game for Ellis and Hot Dog to play where they have to determine whether a crime was committed by legit gang members or Faygo-swilling Juggalos. Turns out Juggalos are pretty hardcore and are willing to carve letters into someone’s chest and tie-up their grandma, beat her with pots and pans, and steal her car to prove that they’re down with clown. WOOP! WOOP!

The true face of crime.

Horse Force’s show in NYC was brought up and Ellis invited fans to hang out with them while they’re there for the week. Just don’t follow them to dinner or something like that, you fucking stalker. Ellis confirmed that Ellis Mania 10 will be happening early next year in Vegas, but no official date or exact location can be revealed yet. The guys took some ideas for the fight that’s happening at the Horse Force show and decided on tying bungee cords to the fighters waists and feet, which can result in them toppling over like a drunkard trying to throw a punch. The best two fighters will get to fight at EM10.

We came back from the break with Heidi and Frank in the studio to play a game of Password. I’ll be honest, Heidi annoyed the ever living fuck out of me and sounded like a frat guy with her obnoxious laugh and painfully unfunny attempt at humor, so I wasn’t really listening too intently. Heidi and Frank ended up winning the game and everyone started talking about shitting their pants (a common theme on today’s show). Heidi said she pooed in her vag and got a UTI as a result. Women, am I right? Apparently some chick “dropped a clot” in Frank’s truck one time and he didn’t know it until he opened his truck and smelled it after it had sat in the sun all day.

The Ultimate Fighter was mentioned and Ellis is behind the Ozzy chick (of course) while Tully is a fan of the “Scottish Care Bear”, as he put it. AC/DC is losing one of their founding members, Malcolm Young, to retirement and will be replacing him with Malcolm’s nephew. Good luck playing those same three riffs over and over. New “Faction with Jason Ellis” bumpers were reviewed with mixed results. Will came in and decided to quiz Ellis and Tully on current world news. Turns out Ellis doesn’t know shit. Shocking. Oh, and apparently the White House likes to keep the front door unlocked. Great plan, guys. What could go wrong? More Wolfknives names were handed out and some lucky bastards saw their hard-earned money pay for names such as “Mr. Dead Uterus”, “Infected Shuttle”, and “Chitty-Chitty Gang-Bang”. Cullen stopped in for final calls and the show wrapped.

So there we have it, my first recap is in the books. Normally, this is where I’d say “thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it”, but fuck that. The only fuck I give is the one I give to your mum on a nightly basis. Later, bitches!