It’s a tale of boy meets girl. They share an intimate night at EllisMania. Unbeknownst to the other, one of them falls in love. Thus begins one of the greatest love stories of our time between two beautiful people.
Hey, you know that whole title that says this is the show recap?!?! Haha..fooled you!!!!
Seriously, though, I woke up this morning with every intention of listening to the show today and recapping as fabulously as I always sincerely try to. I started up my SiriusXM app about an hour before the show and it was like, ‘uh, no, fuck you’ and after trying everything that I could think of, it would still not work. So I put out the SOS to the other extremely wonderful people that write for this site and they offered some suggestions and made me laugh and I stopped worrying and had a plan in place for what I was going to do if my app did not decide to start working.
And then shit got real. How real? How about I literally almost died. I am completely serious. I feel like when I first posted about it on Instagram people were all ‘lol that sucks’ and it’s probably my fault since I’m not a dramatic person, and also I only got one picture of the whole thing at a bad angle after it was all pretty much over, so it sort of just looked like a popped radiator hose. But no…I legit had to bail out of an exploding truck. I don’t know how many of you out there are familiar with diesel engines or diesel trucks…but they do this thing when the oil get sucked into the engine and burnt as fuel and the engine keeps running no matter what you do to it…and yeah. That happened. Thank goodness it happened while we were pulled over in a parking lot because the truck had been really jerky and we were passing a strip mall with a NAPA in it. It was low on oil, cause, you know, that’s what the engine had been burning to keep going, so Joe got some oil to put in it. Put the oil in, I turn the truck on, and fucking boom motherfucker. The engine started screaming…holy fucknuts it was the loudest sound ever. Full rev plus. And Joe starts yelling for me to stop revving it and I tell him “My foot is on the brake!”
“What? Turn the truck off!!”
I turn the truck off. It gets worse. Louder, screechier, and smoke starts pouring out everywhere. I have the key in my motherfucking hand and the truck is still running out of control. So he starts yelling at me to get out of the truck but I literally could not move a muscle. Panicked. Because apparently my fight or flight response is stuck in the ‘stay and motherfucking die’ position. Smoke is pouring out of the engine and the exhaust and suddenly Joe is pulling on me, half tugging me out of the open window because I can’t move. I snapped out of it, opened the door and he pushed me into the auto store in front of him. Now..in the parking lot of this strip mall is a truck spewing smoke out of the engine and the exhaust and there is nothing that we can do about it. The smoke was so bad that you couldn’t see. Anything. We’re about three feet from the truck and the other cars in the parking lot and it’s a brick wall of smoke. Gone. At that point, Joe goes back outside and is yelling telling anyone in earshot (that we aren’t sure are even there) to get away from the truck because the guys in the auto store told us that it’s either going to fully catch fire and explode or the engine is going to seize. Fun fact. This is an HVAC truck filled with about 10 pressurized tanks of various highly flammable substances. So if the fire spread and the shit hit the fan for realsies…it was going to be a goddamn massacre. We set off the indoor fire alarms of the deli in the strip mall. There were then some very loud popping sounds and it stopped. The engine seized. The engine flames and smoke died out quickly thereafter and we didn’t kill a parking lot full of people.
I was shaking so hard I couldn’t speak and Joe called the boss. That was a fun interaction, but Joe/Bossman interactions are always that way. The police/fire people came, we talked to them, the owner of the deli got us some waters, and the rest of the afternoon was filled with tow trucks, me and Joe making each other laugh, and saying, “thank fucking god that didn’t happen while we were driving”. But the thing is, it started while we were driving. About 3 minutes before i pulled into the parking lot I was slowing down for a turn when the engine revved. Again, foot not on the accelerator, on the brake, and the engine was like ‘bbbbbbrrrrrrraaahhhhh’.
And then we were asked to go back to work. After the tow truck guy asked if I wanted to work for him cause he could use a girl like me. I did not listen to Ellis. I did not stalk out people’s twitter accounts for info on what was happening or happened and create a fanfiction to fill in the blanks. I didn’t, and I am sorry about that, because I know that’s basically my whole job and you’re prolly bummed out. I really could have used Ellis today, and I’m sure Joe could have used him too. I’m still freaked out. We got home, hugged the baby, and ate dinner that was enormously delicious because we’re both rattled. It was bad. I’m glad that I have Joe, who is cooler than any cucumber than I have ever encountered. Motherfucker should have been a firefighter. The entire time he didn’t even seem phased by what was going on. The only reason he even yelled about the revving at first and for me to get out of the truck was because he had to yell to be heard over the noise. But he did admit that he was scared to death. He was scared that Biz was gonna die (that’s me, btw, I’m his Bizzle Sticks), he was scared that other people were going to die, and he was scared that he had no idea what was going on. For Joe to say that he was scared is an amazing thing, and that in and of itself is a testament to how fucking brutal this afternoon was.
Again, I’m sorry that this was not the recap you were looking for. But, hey, look on the bright side…I didn’t die, which means that I will be back to properly recap for you again next week!! Also, if anyone is really all that bummed out about this epic fail of a recap, I was told that all inquiries can be directed to Joe on twitter @JoeyHoops. He has all the best pics of my boobs (you’ll never get vag, he says that’s all his).
Love you guys!!! Sorry!!
PS…I know I was wondering on here about Hotdog The Intern’s IG, and he found me!!! he’s hotdog_theintern and his instagram account is hotdog_theintern and it made me fall a little bit in love with how adorable he is! Check it out!!
This is the 2nd installment of the “What Is The Dumbest Thing You’ve Ever Done” segment. The 1st one was chock full of callers with all sorts of stupid. So much so that they had to do another round.
All of them are worth listening to, but I would say a few of the highlights were: Brian threatens the police, Josiah shoots himself in the hand, Bob shits off a bridge, Tully stabs his sister, Cullen celebrates Tully’s birthday, and Jason shoots his wife.
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! Today is a very special recap because today, ladies and gentleman, is the return of the DRUNKEN WEDNESDAY RECAP! CHEERS! I barely heard all of the show and some of it is a little fuzzy. But I have half-assed notes and a can-do attitude so let’s do this shit!
Alien isn’t really that scary upon a second viewing because back in those days, special effects, much like my childhood, amounted to basically lube and rubber masks. Ellis is thinking about getting fake hair as a goof for a while because he wants to see people’s reaction to it on Drew’s show. (Tuesdays and Thursday nights on HLN by the way. I saw a few people on Twitter asking, so here is our public service, you fucks) So the debate became what style should he get? Bitpimps had some thoughts. That dude works really hard for someone who gets nothing back from the show. Reach around for you. Ellis wondered what it would be like if he had black people hair. But a white dude with a fro might be un-becoming of a dude with tattoos. Those people’s hair always invites suspicion from normal white……ABORT ABORT!!!! SIRIUSXM WARNING!!!! ABORT ABORT!!!
Ellis follows Miley Cyrus on IG and was talking about how he liked a video she posted of her singing which was pretty cool. Tully started to bring it up, but the internet sucks because of Will and the FUCKING GOVERNMENT COCK FUCK. So to fill time, our future leaders, China pretty much refuse to give two shits about what Round Eye thinks of them killing Rhino’s and shit for dick-enhancing powders that don’t actually work. They are pretty much going to…..Miley Cyrus videos are up! She is kind of high and belting out “Wrecking Ball” in a pretty funny way. Tully comments on how the tongue thing became her deal. I thought about how her tongue thing perfectly reflects the curvature of my ball sack. So yeah, as long as China doesn’t come over here and kill our jail bait pop stars, we are gonna be ok is what I took from this segment.
So, I know not a lot of people care about the Anthony Cumia Firing thing, but I listen to them, so I’ll indulge this for a moment. Ellis has been getting hate mail because a lot of O&A fans somehow feel compelled to point blame for their hero’s firing on Ellis. Obviously it’s a bunch of misplaced anger because of the recent rivalry which I won’t get into. But some people went as far as saying Ellis was in cahoots with SiriusXM to get Anthony fired, which is god damned mother fucking retarded. And even O&A would have to agree with that. Anyway, as a fan of both shows, I can say: It has nothing to do with this show, or this site, so this is the last I will speak of it.
So there was a study about people being cool in high school vs. how their lives were ten years later. And the results were that the cool kid’s lives sucked and the nerdy kid’s lives were awesome. Anyway, Ellis talked a bit about how he was bullied when he was in school. I don’t know, I never saw the classic bully situations in high school where the jock beat up the nerds. But then again, we did offer a class to get your tractor license, so maybe it was a different landscape.
The guys decided to hit golf balls at Cumtard’s testicle balls for a while. Hot Dog the Magnificent Intern Of Marvelous Talent’s revealed he was a varsity golfer in high school , so he was plucked to tee off on Cumtard’s balls. They whacked his balls and smacked his balls. Then they threw the speech jammer on him and made him talk like Fabio while they bashed his balls. All I have to say about this is that Kevin sort of sounded like Hitler cumming from anal punishment while he was getting hit. Catch that on demand.
Meth and bulldozers are a bad idea because ya know, meth and bulldozers. A dude name Steve Sims came on the show. I had never heard of him before, but he is basically an extreme concierge for rich people. When I say rich people I mean, taking a shit in a toilet with gold flakes in the water rich people. He finds ways to make people’s wildest dreams come true, for the right price. He’s an Englishman, which means he is a headbutting psychopath. He actually rides moto and boxes at legends, he was a cool fucking dude. You could tell he wasn’t really familiar with the show’s humor, so it took a bit of catching on as it usually does, but he was laughing and cracking jokes so it was a good interview. A few examples of things he has done were: Getting a client to sing on stage with Journey, organizing lunches with celebrities and a few other things. My fucking notes seriously read like this:
Like I’m supposed to remember details from that? What fucking homo would think that would get him details? Jesus Christ I’m fucking retarded. Anyway, he doesn’t take on pricks as clients, so none of you will be able to murder a midget over a stripper dressed as Santa Claus. A lot of people called in with different situations and ideas of what Steve could do and a good barometer is that if you want a bunch of hot bitches on a yacht to pretend like they like you and possibly blow you, it’s gonna cost $30-$50K.
I don’t remember the last hour of the show. And I don’t remember giving a fuck what you think? So I think It’s time you just give me a break. Maybe take some responsibility for finding out what happened on the show yourself! Maybe I’m not your fucking nanny who has to tell you everything that happened! Yeah! I’m talking to you Will Pendarvis! Maybe pay attention to the show when it happens instead of taking the easy way out and reading this shit every day. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT IM OUT!
Ellis is talking about some possible wig work, so here are a few ideas I toyed around with as possible NYA Wig Solutions ™
Featuring: “The Belieber”, “The House Party”, “The Lethal Weapon”, and Katie’s personal favorite, “The Leto”.
