My name is Jason Ellis and I’ll be your captain for this flight.
This baby show just got all growed up. It ate the channel and grew seven dicks and it makes Ellis’ pants fuller because his cock & balls have swollen. No, not because of a dick injury, but because “The New Deal” program has been enacted. Not the series of domestic programs enacted in the United States in the 1930’s, but the new deal with Sirius XM and The Jason Ellis Show. There’s a new channel, with talk and music instead of commercials. And it’s Ellis’, so he’s celebrating with a Shirley Temple. Ding & Ellis hit on some moto news, but I wasn’t taking any notes on that since I wanted to keep focused on the new deal – that still hasn’t been explained as of yet. Ding, Ellis, & Tully hit on some football talk, but I wasn’t taking any notes on that since I wanted to keep focused on the new deal – that still hasn’t been explained as of yet. Dreads & the NFL. Still no details on the contract. But I bet it’s some really cool stuff! Touchdowns are kind of a big deal in football (American football, not soccer you dolts). Contract, we still know nothing about it. Should be exciting though! Ellis got a vocal amp and a microphone from the music store so he and Katie can start a band. I don’t think it has anything to do with his Sirius XM contract, but who knows, maybe it does and he just hasn’t discussed it yet. I bet fans would like to know though. And maybe we will. Or maybe we won’t. Okay, wait. We’ve got a little more news. The contract hasn’t been signed yet, but it’s there. Sounds like it will be signed.
That stripping was rolling off his balls. Allegedly.
So Ellis & Tully got Dingo caught up to speed with the most uncomfortable moment in TJES history. We’re talking about the stripper (that didn’t strip) for Tully. Dingo tried to help a caller how to figure out how to sneak drugs into a festival. Turns out the best way to do that is to get fucked up before you go in and then just drink while you’re at the festival. That or rent an RV and just do what they did in that movie We’re The Millers. Did you know people are dumb? Some fools were forwarding around some shit about a “Dinosaur Hunter” posing next to a triceratops he killed. Yeah. That was Steven Spielberg. Dingo went sailing over the weekend, instead of blacking out like he did the previous weekend. Also Dingo & Danny were at the Agenda trade show over the weekend and have fired their companies (Grenade) CEO. Apparently they’re turning Grenade back around and making it not shitty or something. So back zits, elbow pimples, in-grown ass hairs, and puss – who hasn’t gone through an experience with one or all of them? Nobody, that’s who. What sucks about them now is that Brandon Lee isn’t around to fully squeeze the juice outta them babies for you. Tully’s been taking a #5 to his chest and lower back hair, he’ll take a #2 to the face, but never a #0. #2 as in the shaver length, not a turd. Some guy called in to say he trims his ball hair while he’s on the toilet taking a dump. That’s pretty fucking nasty dude, you should not do that. I don’t know why, but all this reminds of yesterday when I saw everyone doing “bucket list” posts on Instagram yesterday. People know not to tag me with that stuff because I don’t participate, but I almost posted one item that I think would be on my bucket list, and that would be to have a picture of Wilson, on the toilet, in that weird position while you wipe your ass – back is arched and kind of twisted. I don’t know why, but I think that’d be hilarious. Anyway, let’s move on.
MMA News time. Ronda Rousey broke a cyst in her hand and also broke her hand in her last fight, which is why she couldn’t take another fight right away. Dana White says that this week, they will sign a deal with Gina Carano. There was more but I got pulled away temporarily and couldn’t take any notes. Ellis and Mike have decided that with the new upcoming contract, they need to have a meeting about the channel – at Will’s house. Will of course doesn’t want that without a ton of preparation, he feels like it would provide the guys with ammunition for mocking him with. He’s subletting an apartment from a guy who happens to be a very big fan of Batman, so there might allegedly be a lot of Batman stuff around Will’s place. He’s got some old Perry Mason videos. No word on any Murder She Wrote videos, a framed picture of Cumtard, or a bunch of drivers licenses whom he’s flashed his headlights at, tacked to the back of his bathroom door. He also swears up and down that there are no cigarettes to be found at his apartment. Will wants to smoke weed without all the paranoia. He’s also one week into growing a mustache. Then I missed more show because OMG THE INTERNET WENT DOWN! By the time it came back online they went straight into break. But word on the air-waves is that there will be a big guest coming in shortly.
The Internet went down? NOOO!!!
While waiting for the guest to arrive, Ellis made a few new sexual intros about Will. That didn’t last long as Janice Dickinson came into the studio. Straight into plastic surgery talk, which you can almost smell coming through her microphone and out of our radios. She has a son that is 1 year younger than Dingo, so it’s a safe bet he has no idea who she is. She’s not sick of herself yet, I mean her profession, she almost sounded like she took offense to Ellis asking her if she was sick of going all day like she does. She’s too old to remember her Twitter password, which isn’t all that surprising, she is 59 and full of botox. She says she doesn’t need drugs to get wild and crazy and that she doesn’t even drink anymore. She says women are smarter than men, and also that she never understood penises until she had a son, apparently she hasn’t heard any of the “Women, Am I Right?” segments. #HEYOH Anyway, they started talking about the Studio 54 days, sex and I uh… I’m sorry, but I just threw up in my mouth a little and I really don’t care what she has to say so I’m just gonna zone out for a bit. I have to admit, I did have a chuckle when she told Ellis to suck her dick and asked if Tully was a doctor.
Last week on the show during the “Women’s Sexual Bucket List” segment, some girl called to say she wanted to bone Cumtard. Sounds like she might allegedly be able to scratch that one off her list as it sounds like she’ll be flying in to meet his meat sometime this week or so. Janice broke Tully’s computer! Damn it, Janice, I put up with you talking all over everyone for an hour, but now this? I will not stand for you breaking my adopted father’s computer! Fuck it. Time for “Come inside my third brown eye” dream reading session with Ellis. Hotdog had a dream where he was with his friends, all in tuxedos and he was getting married. He didn’t know who the chick was but didn’t wanna be “that guy” so he walked up to the alter and woke up in a cold sweat. Which loosely translated means that he’s worried he won’t find the right one and Janice Dickinson will be your mother-in-law. Dingo had a dream that he just kept on shitting all night long, which of course means he’s rich and hangs out with famous people. This segment took us to the end of the show with callers calling in about their dreams and shit, not knowing that their dreams have already been crushed. Sorry ’bout that, callers. I had a dream that we got more details about this contract that hasn’t been signed yet, but that dream got crushed too. See? It’s not just you callers, we’re all getting our dreams crushed. PEACE OUT!
How I ended this re-cap.