Evening, you bags of dicks. Sorry, I’m just trying out this nickname thing Ellis was talking about at the beginning of the show. I think Bag of Dicks looks good on you. Maybe not. How about Baby Bag of Dicks? No? Alright let’s get to the show because this joke isn’t working. Jason started talking about The Edge from U2, and how he was edgier when he first started. Rawdog doubts that he was ever Edgy at all, and Tully backed him up and said he just had to out-stupid Bono. Bono got his nickname from some young ruffians who through a series of nicknames and renames he settled on Bono Vox which translates to Good Voice. Because he’s a prick. Ellis asked why they called Magic Johnson ‘Magic’, and Tully said the guy who gave him AIDS probably names him that BECAUSE THAT DUDE HAS HAD AIDS FOR 30 YEARS AND IS STILL ALIVE MAKING WACKY COMMENTARY DURING BASKETBALL SEASON.

Joanna Angel has a new fleshlight if you’ve ever wanted to know what the inside of her vagina feels like. She asked Ellis to tweet and Instagram about it, but he feels weird about throwing that stuff up there these days. It’s one thing to talk about it on the show and another to throw it up where one of his kids or their friends could see. She is going to be on the show tomorrow though with a friend to do some shit so she’ll be able to plug it. Chances are, if you want a Joanna Angel fleshlight, you are already looking at things online that tell you Joanna Angel has a signature fleshlight.

Ellis has a new trainer, but it’s really his old trainer, Rob Garcia. He also has a new manager, because when you want to be the best you’ve got to pay for that shit. He says if you pay for the best training, you motivate yourself to go more. Same thing goes for therapists, you book it and if you don’t make it you have to pay. The same can also be said about Magic Johnson’s AIDS treatment.

The new Death! Death! Die! album is almost here, and the guys once again talked about the songs on the album which include one song dedicated to Wilson Pendarvis and another featuring Everlast. Once again, they jerked you off until got that little lump in your stomach when you are about to cum and they just let go and punched you in the balls and didn’t play anything. They want to get Bert McCracken or Everlast in to debut the songs, and they also want to fuck with us as much as possible.

You’ve got to do little things to make yourself a little better each day. Jason is going to the gym, Tully is planning on going to the gym, Katie is getting a new haircut and Josh is trying an exfoliating technique. Rawdog is just full of little nuggets(No pun intended) of wimpy little blehhh. He’s got little pieces of pumice in a pomade and his girlfriend is rubbing it all over his doughy naked body and then they do it.

The mysteries surrounding the whereabouts of Bill The Scorpion all but died when the guys moved out of Swinghouse. We all hung our heads as the door shut, thinking that one member of the show staff had not made it out of the studio. He escaped from a Chinese take-out box and scurried off into a world of adventure, baby killing, faggot gook slaughtering and banging bitches. Lo and behold! Like the herpes scars on your mom’s lip Bill the Scorpion has returned. Bill found his way into one of Will’s many boxes and hitched a ride to the new Hollywood studio to play Stump The Scorpion. Wilson asked Bill some questions and Tully and Rawdog had to figure out if he knew the answer to the questions. The thing about the scorpion is, he is so hostile and violently racist it’s hard to get an answer out of him in between his stories about fucking dead babies out of a bird that was flying by. Rawdog thinks Liz Taylor is hot, and Bill says he’s fucked cockroaches better looking. As angry as he is, Bill seems to know his shit.

Barack and Michelle Obama are totally into fisting. Which makes sense because dvansvnwvodvnv obamacare afosdvnsvuion fuck yourself with obvious jokes.

Onnit sent over a new zombie bell, and the guys were pumped on it. I know I’d be pumped if someone sent me one of them. Those guys make amazing products and the Zombie/primal bells are probably the coolest way to throw a fucking kettle bell around. Now is as good of a time as any to remind you fucking dicks that NoYouAre is having a contest sponsored by Onnit where you could win one of these kickass Primal bells so get your ass on that! Remember, all of the answers can be found on NYA or the Onnit website.

Hollywood should knock it off with all of the trilogies because they rarely have enough gas to make a good third movie or a second for that matter. The problem with that though is that Hollywood doesn’t give two shits about reviews or making good movies, they care about asses in seats. Most people will see a movie, like it, and then will go see the 2nd, 3rd, 50th version of it because it has the name attached to it. (i.e. , aw)

The guys played the game where they have to guess what celebrity returns the most google search results. This time it was the shared names edition. Chad Reed beats Chad Muska and Chad Kroeger (Red Dragons), Papa John is Bigger than Papa Smurf, Mr. Clean wipes the floor with Mr. T (I’ll go ahead and punch myself in the dick for that) and Lou Diamond Phillips is the most famous Lou. Lou Gosset Jr. sadly did not do enough Iron Eagle movies to make a dent in any of these categories.

Early in the show, the guys sent Vanessa out to get donuts. Towards the end of the show, the guys noticed the donuts had still not arrived. Wilson became very heated with Vanessa saying he doesn’t have time for women and their donut talk, and passed her off to Jetta. Once the donuts finally arrived, the guys brought Vanessa in to defend herself. She says the GPS she put the address on didn’t give her the name and she was calling Will to find out the name of the place. Of course, being the misogynistic bastard that he is, Will screamed at her that he didn’t have time for her donut talk and called her a slut. (Not Really). It turns out the donuts she got were from a place Jetta looked up and not only were they delicious and not only were they succulent, but they were vegan and gluten free. They are called Faux-Nuts, like what Lance Armstrong has. Will and Rawdog thought they were disgusting because they are healthy. Basically Will hates Vanessa, and just the sound of her voice sets him off.   But at the end of the day, Will needs to check his anger and maybe seek some professional help regarding the way he looks at women getting him donuts.

Ok, I’m tapped out. GO CHECK OUT OUR CONTEST. IT’S SPONSORED BY ONNIT. WE FUCKING RULE.

Ssssssshhhhhhhhh… let’s not turn this rape into a murder…

Now that i have you’re attention, hello! And welcome to the Tuesday recap of the Jason Ellis show. My pancreas is tingling with anticipation. Today, the show kicked off with talk about how thinking is good but you can overdose on it. Especially when you’re a really emotional person and you’ve got a therapist teaching you how to focus your thoughts and all that new age shite. Most of what’s been bugging the Wing lately is some stuff he’s been kind of irresponsible about. Didn’t go into much detail, but if you know him you can take all the guesses you’d like. It was all very melancholy and sounds like Jason may be running himself ragged as he’s known to do from time to time. It’s all due to the fact that he’s constantly got a fight going on in his head over how legit some of his problems are and how much his own mind is making it all seem bigger than it really is (this is all according to Rawdog’s professional psychiatric analysis, and we all know what an expert he is on everything, but this time he sort of actually nailed it). Tully has experienced the same set of feelings and luckily has a super Asian for a wife who explained it all to him. At this point, WILSON decided to kill the mood by highlighting the fact that ARTIE FUCKING LANGE came by to hang out for a while. Right off the bat, the interview started strong and was hilarious as even Artie pointed out that Will is extremely weird to work with even as just a guest, but it’s all those quirks that make him so lovable. The guys talked radio and comedy and all that kind of shit for a while. Artie has a radio show that also gets played on DirecTV and he’s been kicking ass on that for a while. There was some talk about Artie’s health woes and how fun drugs are if you work in show business cause it’s pretty much the only industry other than politics that’ll welcome you back after a multiple year bender. Artie came clean that he and Will are both huge fans of gambling away way more than they should, after Artie told a story about making $140,000 doing standup in Vegas and promptly losing $80,000 of it at the tables and then a bunch more on hookers later that night. Champion, mother fuckers, champion. He explained how when you go to Vegas you can always find a ten thousand dollar hooker and sometimes it won’t be one of the regulars, but just some lady who needs a little extra to top off the rent check. Artie and Stern still talk every so often, but he’s not gonna be back on the Stern show anytime soon cause Howard loves him too much to let him self destruct again with all the hype and pressure. Artie still remembers the time Jason came to the Stern show and had his dick fondled by George Takei. There’s also another book from Artie that’s gonna be coming out soon, perfectly timed to be on sale around the same time as Ellis’ next literary masterpiece, so you can make one run to Barnes & Noble and get all kinds of filth and wisdom without making a second trip. Artie told stories about being in a psych ward and all the hilarity that comes with it, like the roommate who would shit his pants and flip out if anybody tried to help him clean it off, but he would gladly ask for a t-shirt to do it himself. He also spent some time after the psych ward at a resort psych ward and got himself thinking a little better then went to Miami to stay at a country club that also offered drug treatment. It worked pretty well cause he had time to write lots of new material and after his triumphant return to standup, he got the call from DirecTV to put his radio show on TV and BAM! Artie Lange all across your grille. There was more general jaw-jacking and bro-ing down between Ellis and Artie, and Artie is still a funny fucker so it worked really well. And in case you hadn’t heard, yes, Artie got his hooks in a sweet 29 year old and is gonna be getting out of the whoring game for good, cause 46 is too old to be chasing young impressionable women who only want you for a financial transaction (that wasn’t a stab at his fiance, I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady). Also, if you liked Beer League, there’s gonna be another Artie Lange production coming sometime soon, that should certainly trump Dirty Work by several thousand metric tonnes of quality. The guys shared stories and kicked around ideas on stuff for a while longer and it was great to hear everybody doing good this afternoon and Artie is coming back stronger than ever. Lots of funny stuff. Catch it on demand if this recap doesn’t cover enough of it for you, I’ll just go in my dark little corner and cut myself with my frozen tears, you ungrateful fucks.

If you’ve ever gotten pulled over and worried you were gonna get a cavity search, you probably made the grave mistake of clenching your ass cheeks together in fear of a ham fisted cop violating your shit locker. Well, it turns out that that can be grounds for internal reorganization if you live in New Mexico and the cops know which hospital they can take you to to get some crooked medical work done. In particular, this one guy got pulled over for rolling through a stop sign and ended up getting TWO rounds of hands on treatment and TWO medical grade colon flushes, only to reveal that he was not in fact carrying any drugs, he just didn’t step hard enough on the brakes and got a slight case of the jitters that caused him to squeeze his asshole while being harassed by some cops that surely had nothing better to do and wanted to get their jollies at someone else’s expense. And just as these sadistic fucking doctors prepped him for surgery and cut open that chili ring for a 100% thorough look, Attorneys all across the land both jumped for joy and cried tears of horrible defeat because all of this was done on a severely expired temporary search warrant. somehow this brought about the topic of race in movies and how Hollywood was way cooler about putting people in blackface in the 80’s than they would be today, but then again Django Unchained would have probably been put down as the most racist shit ever after Birth Of a Nation. And while we’re on the topic of race, Oakley is making a new line of sunglasses specifically designed to fit Asian people’s heads, and while they do have a certain amount of phlebotomist science to back the new design, it’s probably not something that’s gonna be in huge demand because up until now, nobody I’ve ever met has complained that they’re eyes were “too chinky” for a pair of sunglasses. The guys talked UFC for a bit, Jason is gonna be on the documentary for the 20th anniversary of the organization and if you were already gonna be watching it, then there’s one more face to look for in all the people interviewed about the sport and the phenomenon it has become. There’s also gonna be some new fights too, so get it the fuck up ya and watch a bunch of people beat the shit out of each other. There was some Japanese car TV show going on in the background while the guys were talking about the SEMA show. This reminded Ellis that Ricky Carmichael has some awesome newfangled machine on display there and that somebody on the show needs to start doing G.O.A.T. news, news about Ricky Carmichael, or goats. Ellis was contemplating actually going to SEMA this weekend, but can’t cause he’s going horseback riding with the family. Tully on the other hand, has no problem abandoning his child for a day to go ogle flashy pieces of go fast machinery in Las Vegas. There was more talk about riding horseback and taking up archery and bringing shit back to the days of the white man handing out typhoid blankets in exchange for large tracts of ill gotten land! And of course what more perfect segment to follow that up with than the world premiere of G.O.A.T. NEWS!!! Somewhere in DesMoines, Iowa, a goat got loose and after running across the freeway, wandered into a car dealership and needed a tranquilizer dart in the ass to be brought back to justice, or at the very least, his owner’s house. Around this time, Jason got distracted by an adorable sea otter on the TV and the guys had a nice nature moment watching these noble sea mammals doing their normal day to day routine. And what better way to shatter your perception of reality than to learn that sea otters are known to rape and drown baby seals, and fuck other sea otters so hard that they often kill their mate. Honey badgers of the sea, my friends, honey badgers of the mother fucking sea. Tully had a report in front of him regarding the ratings for the current season of The Ultimate Fighter and lately it hasn’t been doing as good as it has in the past. A lot of it was from when they switched channels, but also probably because to a certain extent people are losing interest in reality TV and other networks are shying away from showing MMA cause if the network can’t make a fuck ton of money off 6 hours of airtime for a game that’s only two and a half hours long, then all it would do is fuck up their profit margin to show a fight that could go 20 minutes, or be over in 3. The guys took some phone calls for a bit, some guy felt guilty for getting a lap dance cause he’s got a wife and kids and shit. Really, the only reason he sort of felt guilty is because the lap dance was good enough to cause a little bit of his soul (AKA jizz) to seep out. But at the core of it, if he would’ve old his wife and she said it was OK, he’d have no reason to feel bad, but he didn’t and now he’s gotta say so or else he’s gonna feel like a creepy asshole. Boone called in to suggest a way for the fans to interact with the show, but like a real way not calling in or chatting with Ellis when he goes live and asks for feedback from the fans. The phone call prompted the idea for a new segment called “Name dropping with the fans” where people can call in and be Sam Rubin for a couple minutes. Rawdog started by telling us about how he met Matt Stone and Trey Parker while his dad was recording something for the first set of South Park DVDs. Tully one-upped that one when he told us how he met Lou Diamond Phillips, just out on the street. Somebody tried to call in and say they met Fred Durst, but that shit doesn’t count cause he’s basically a canned ham with a red baseball cap. But that’s not important right now, cause it’s break time yet again and sometimes music is nice to break things up.

You may remember a little while back that there were rumors of the mayor of Toronto smoking crack. Well… they’re totally true. He just came out and copped to it. Then he shouted “T-DOT, BITCHES!” and dropped the mic. And then Swollen Members said they won’t be supporting is reelection on their next tour, what with Madchild’s new life outlook on staying away from drugs. And then Marion Barry flew up to Toronto to give him a quick fist bump and there was a very shifty looking handshake/bro-hug thing that happened right after. But hey, at least it’s not like he’s a repeat drunk and a fat son of a bitch who might be known for texting and driving! Am I right guys? You’d vote him in again. It’s not like he’d be any worse than most every other shady rapist looking mother fucker that runs for office. Hell, the Hamburglar would probably be a better candidate for most elected positions than some of the repeat offending white collar organ trafficking pro-NAMBLA pieces of shit we’ve had to vote for the last few runs round the track. But hey, that shit is water under someone else’s bridge cause right now we need to go back to the phones and hear about all the celebrity run-ins the fans have had. The first guy said he met Rooftop Escamilla, cause there’s no way Jason could have ever met an action sports athlete. Next was a dude who got invited to Jesse James house after he built him a custom pair of headlights for some project he was building, and he got to hang out with the guy for a couple hours, but he didn’t even offer him a sandwich or a beer or anything. NOT EVEN A FUCKING RED BULL!!! The next guy who called in said he met the one and only Brock “Cock Chest” Lesnar at his brother’s restaurant where they give you your own steak to cook yourself (cause that’s top notch service, going to someone else’s place to cook your own food and pay them to do it). Next was a young lady who, much like Tully, hung out with Lou Diamond Phillips, only this time it was at a Yo-Gabba-Gabba concert, and Lou is a pretty good dude all around. Some guy called in to talk about meeting Bam Margera like Jason couldn’t possibly have ever gotten to rub shoulders with him before. Some guy called in to say he met Green Day, but he can smoke a bag of dicks because I’ve seen Billy Joe’s son’s band and they’re the kids you hated at your high school, but the talent has certainly not been lost in the next generation. The next call that came in was from a guy who met the one and only Kareem Abdul Jabar back when he was a youngster and Kareem was too tall to properly use the bathroom in the mini motel that his uncle owned and he shat all over the wall. There were calls about Bill Paxton, Jeanne Triplehorn (who is allegedly a cunt), Dogg the Bounty Hunter (who may have irritable bowel syndrome), Wee Man, Michael Phelps (who wouldn’t let a handicapped kid use the same public bathroom as him cause that toilet is too good for his shit), Seal (yeah, that Seal) who was cool enough to share a sandwich with a random dude on a ski lift and make porn recommendations, Bruce Willis (who doesn’t know how to gamble but is friendly as hell), Dave Chapelle, Dimebag Darryl, Afroman, Mickey Mantle (who would even shake down a 6 year old for $50 to get an autograph), Shannon Doherty (who cussed out a waiter cause he wouldn’t give her a discount, like the bitch she has always been known to be), Jimmy Fallon, Dexter Holland from the Offspring (who’s been known to have a shitty band and be high on himself like the mayor of Toronto on a $20 rock), Bruce Willis again, Demi Moore, Papa John Schnatter (who tried to fight a guy at a NASCAR race and would have asked his bodyguard to help), Rick Flair, Papa John again (only this time he’s handing out gift cards at the Kentucky Derby), Kid Rock (who still has a little toot every so often), Michael Phelps again (who might have stole/borrowed a super bowl trophy and took a bunch of guys at a restaurant out drinking with Ray Lewis), The Olsen Twins (cause we all still want to fuck them, no matter how evil they are), one more for Papa John (not from somebody who met him, but he’s part of the anti-gay movement), and last but not least, Michael Keaton, who would be awesome as the new Prime Minister of Australia reprising his two most famous roles as Batman and Beetlejuice. Tully found a news story about Richard Simmons who went to a restaurant with 12 friends and no reservation and demanded a table, and after he was seated with his group, he got up on the table and started dancing like a shit head. After the meal, he tried to get out of paying the bill cause FUCK YOU I’M RICHARD SIMMONS. Of course this was after another excursion where him and his friends skipped out on the bar tab at a club the night before. There were more calls about celebrity encounters, like Liam Neeson, Kal Penn, Sergeant Slaughter, Joanna Angel (this mention was from a tweet that I posted about how I met her at a tattoo convention and got her to sign my copy of The Woodsman), Pierce Brosnan, and then the Beatles started playing by accident and we just called it a break cause fuck it why not?

Some metal band has finally come out and said that they are all Beleibers, and that band is Metallica. And deep down, I have to think they’re doing this as a ploy to try and convince him to come to a show and be RIPPED TO FUCKING SHREDS LIKE A PACK OF WOLVES FIGHTING OVER A DEAD ELK!!! But that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. And in case you all forgot what day it is, it’s New Music Tuesday and that means I get to write the most hateful music reviews you’ve ever fucking seen! First up is Eminem’s new one, and I’ve always liked his work and this one was no exception, except that I really don’t care what Rhianna does and she had a guest spot on this track. Then we heard Celine Dion reminding us why even the Canadians hate the French. Next up was Scott Stapp just making sure that Christian rock is never gonna be mainstream cause the shit is just that fucking terrible. After that was he newest from The Melvins and if you like sludgy old punk, these are a few of the guys who are doing all they can to keep it alive. There was a new one from Tech-9 and while I never got that into him, it was a half decent track from what I heard and could be worth checking out the rest of the album for something better. Next was a new one from James Ferraro and with a market massively saturated by abstract R&B indie shit heads, I would like to request that we get a few pop star assassinations in the works to try and thin the herd out a little bit. Stryper dropped a new record and it was a tasty throwback to the days of lead breaks and riffs that usually required a lot of hair metal, only this time with a Christian edge that made Scott Stapp look like a BITCH. Next was a new one from Future and it featured Miley Cyrus and autotune, which are two musical devices that I could not possibly hate any more than I already do unless I caught them raping my mother. After that was the latest from B-Real and the weed has not slowed him down one bit, unlike so many others. Next up was Protest The Hero being all super new metal and shitting all over a craft that used to take years of suffering to perfect, but now only requires two distortion pedals and a lead singer with no real talent. James Blunt had a new one and if he was trying to one-up his last one he should have gone off and overdosed five years ago, cause one-upping “You’re Beautiful” wouldn’t have taken shit other than changing your style to something worth listening to. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week was the new one from M.I.A. and if you like somebody making shitloads of cash off convincing hipsters that this is “world music” and fleecing their college funds of money that would otherwise be spent on vintage cameras and cocaine, then you should get this album. The guys did a few Wolfknives names and took some final calls, and all was right in the world of people being idiots when required to respond to outside stimulus while using a telephone.

Back in my day, I remember that every Christmas, dad would come home and have everyone sit down for a nice family dinner before sending us kids to bed to wait for Santa Claus. One year though, I woke up to use the bathroom and found some big fat fucker in a red suit getting a hummer in the living room from the old man. When I asked what was going on my dad pulled back, let loose a mouthful of jizm and said “You kids are rotten little shits all year round, if you want that new bike you asked for you better turn around and forget what you saw tonight”

Red Dragons, Mother fuckers ,,rr,

Welcome to the Friday edition of The Jason Ellis Show recap where we don’t give a fuck. The show started wonderfully because we didn’t hear anybody named Sam, only a sick cunt named Dingo! Tully has recently learned the irreplaceable value and convenience of double zippers. CJH was also in studio and got the honor of being the first guest to sit on the new Grant Cobb Super Couch Deluxe. They got on the topic of Vegas and how the casinos pump oxygen in but it’s a myth because Tully said so and he’s smarter than you. There defiantly is cocaine on the room cards though. There was a shooting at LAX today. It sucks and we hope for the best for everyone involved except the gunman, he can eat shit and die. Speaking of eating shit, the guys worked their way to the development of a new contest where they judge celebrity shits. Kit Cope has already got a head start by sending in a couple pictures from his feces file. After talking about Kit’s cables they somehow got onto the topic of Snooki’s future boyfriend and how difficult it will be for Ellis to keep his fist out of the inside of their skull.

Siriacha hot sauce is being taken to court because the smell and constant eye burns are making people get their panties in a bunch. Dingos friend, Josh Wood, came in and told the story of how he exploded his neck when he crashed. The doctors told him that he would never walk again but being an extreme sports guy he had the drive to not accept that. Long story short, he was too stupid to stay hurt and four months later he walked out of rehab. If you want to read more check out his new book, Relentless, available at www.joshwood.com.au. Worlds largest chicken nugget is also kosher and also gives gosh a massive boner followed by premature ejaculation. The guys then played Wilson’s most favoritest game in the world, no not The Rape Game, the Google Auto-Complete Game. Some of the entries were, “I’m bleeding from my…”, “Is it normal to have…”, “My vagina doesn’t…”, and many other gut wrenching entries from the mass of idiots on the internet.

A St. Louis Fire Chief blames the triggering of methane detectors on farts in the stadium. An incredibly gross man has infected armpits. And if guys weren’t gross enough, welcome to Women, Am I Right! According to researchers women expend 30% less energy than men during sex. A woman in a battered wife costume beat up her boyfriend who was wearing a battered husband costume. A woman asked police officers, full uniformed police officers, to help her murder her husband. Woman robbed bank police checked google history and found shit like, how to rob a bank, what is the penalty for robbing a bank, am I the stuoidest person in the world. There is a growing craigslist trend of women selling other women positive pregnancy tests, so be careful dudes and remember if your gonna go deep, wrap your meat! Woman in Dublin got arrested for streaking through a golf course. A woman somewhere is terrified by The Muppets, ahhhh hahahahahahaha. And a New Zeland woman is partially paralyzed from a hickey.

[This is where I was gonna put the picture of Sam Rubin being a suck ass but I couldn’t find one symbolizing the immensity of ass that this man has his lips around.]

To end the show the guys started to get Reverse award nominees, Best Man/Woman, Smallest Butthole (Sam Ruben), Most Deserving Celebrity, etc. They also filled in nominees for all the other categories and instead of boring you with them all I will remind you the the Least Beat Up Sausage Box has been cancelled again, nobody will ever be able to take that title from yer mum, OH!