Feed your obsession…
People tend to be super addicted to their phones, this is something we all know, but are you so addicted to your phone that you don’t notice there’s a mirror in your bathroom across from the porcelain pee-hole until you’re pooping without having that magic rectangle in your hands? Why am I asking this extremely gross question (because yeah, I’m a girl and I think it’s gross that people sit on the potty and play on their phones)?!?!?!?! Well, this morning Ellis was sitting on the throne taking care of business, when he noticed that there was a mirror across from him so he could see what his face looked like while pooping (I’m dry heaving over here) and do you know what? There’s a big freaking scar across his forehead that he forgot about!! The scar itself is a relic of a tragic (not really) dumpster accident, and Ellis is glad that he has a scar there ’cause he’s getting old and what better way to face getting old than with a face full of scars? Um…there is no way better. He’s probably going to be getting another scar soon, since he’s getting the lump growing on his temple hacked off. But that’s cool, cause, hey, scars. Scars are great, they tell stories, they make you more interesting to look at, and chicks dig scars, man. And yeah, Ellis really did open up the show talking about shit and getting old, how tomorrow is not looking as good as yesterday, and he doesn’t want his body to fall to shit. He’s waiting for old guy ass to set in, but at the same time he really wants to avoid old saggy guy ass for as long as possible. He probably has that shit on lock considering how much he exercises, though he didn’t exercise this morning, but rest assured he’ll be reppin squats like a mother fucker tomorrow. Tully chimes in saying that while you can’t really get around looking older, you can prevent yourself from turning into a puddle of flesh, and Ellis probably is doing better than the guys from Kids in the Hall who look like monsters in their photoshoots….even after applying make up.
Hey!!!! What the fuck is wrong with the TV? You know, the tv that we can’t see anyway? There’s something wrong with it and it’s really distracting Ellis and having no effect whatsoever on Tully since he didn’t notice that it keeps flashing off an on. Ellis tries yelling at Jetta and whomever else he sets his sights on about this, because it’s way beyond the ‘trying to work the kinks’ out of the new studio and is getting more into ‘this shit is just never going to all work at the same time’ territory. Will comes in and it turns out that there is something wrong with the cable, that it isn’t only the tv in their studio, and no- it isn’t a cable issue in the greater Los Angeles area, but localized to the SiriusXM studios somewhere near Hollywood. The tv gets turned off, for really turned off, and the problem is solved. Tully thinks that maybe the studio has already hit its peak in terms of pristine functionality, but at least they are on the air and we can all hear them. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear them since you are reading this to find out what happened…but…you know what I mean, stop being a bitch. :D Ellis really wants everything to work and be at its best because he wants everything to be good for the fans. It’s always all about the fans for him. He wants to be bigger and better constantly and TJES is not a place to sit idly by and be complacent. The formula is working out, he’s an accidental genius and Tully is an actual genius, in terms of radio show hosting, and he’s gonna keep pecking at the big guys in charge so that they aren’t forgotten about. Because, where is the Jason Ellis Channel? Not the one on the app…the one on SiriusXM? But whatever, it’ll happen, and Ellis and Tully are both happy to say that they really like working for SiriusXM (apply whatever level of sarcastic filter you desire to that statement).
Someone (@thegooser) sent Tully a link to an article which was a collection of the 31 best things that Kanye West has said in the year 2013, prompting Tully and Ellis to engage in conversation about the great West, who gets spoken about too much as it is and they are feeding the machine that is already bursting at the seams. Basically….Kanye West is a fucking dick asshole joke of a person who thinks that he is a god (and I’m sorry if you disagree with me and think he’s awesome) and goes about saying how awesome and god-like and egotistical he is and that it’s justified because he needs to be egotistical as a part of his artistic process. Tully is surprised that he read a bunch of dickish things that Kanye said and didn’t then see him as even more of a dick, but found insight into the kind of person that Kanye is and the force that drives him. I do agree with Tully and the parallels that he draws between Ellis and Kanye and how they both need to set the bar high for themselves so they can feel driven enough to try and make leaps and bounds over the bar…but I also have a great dislike for Kanye West and for anyone who thinks that they are better than other people. Yes, Kanye has done some great (?) things musically, but I do some great things in bed and you don’t hear me saying that I’m a goddess who needs to be treated as such by whomever I’m getting on my knees for… Whatever. Ellis and Tully do reach the conclusion that Kanye is, in fact, a dick, but they have a new understanding of the kind of dick that he is. And no, Kanye, Kim Kardashian is not one of the top 10 most beautiful women of all time. In fact, a good friend from the State of the Biggest Dicks (real ones, not personality ones…) assures me that she is not even top 50 in North Dakota.
Dunnn dunnn da-da-da-dunnnn….breaking news!!!! The bid to hang out with Ellis on charitybuzz.com is up to $13,000!! Holy shit!!! That’s insane!!!! It really is amazing and tops what the bid was last year, which was made by now good friend of the show Betsey, and Ellis wants to know if he’s winning. But, more importantly, he and Tully are really happy that they get to be a part of something that helps people- in this case, starving people. WhyHunger is gonna get over $13,000 and feed a whole bunch of starving children here in the US, all because Ellis is King of the West and that’s basically a bargain when you really think about it. What is Ellis going/willing to do with the highest bidder? Whatever they want. Sex? Hang? Whipping? You call the shots Mysterious Money Man/Woman who has bucks to blow (but not really blow cause, you know, charity) to hang out with Jason Ellis. Congrats. I’m really jealous. He humped me for free. Just sayin. And yes, Ellis had the highest bid.
The newly instituted rules and regulations for the Ellis brood have been working!!! Woooooooooo!!! Parenting Win!!! In case you, like the guy who calls in, missed what these new magical parenting tricks being implemented are it is as simple as laying out the rules, alerting the kiddies of the consequences to the broken rules (before they are broken), giving two warnings before consequences are enacted, and sticking to your guns with the consequences if and when the time comes. Ellis says that he is so happy with the way that it is working out, and Devin told him that she really enjoys that Daddy isn’t yelling all of the time. Everybody is happier, the kids aren’t pushing the boundaries because they don’t want to lose skateboards and ice cream and dolls, and that makes life just so much better. This weekend they will be going moto-ing and horseback riding, and Ellis thinks that if Devin enjoys the outing this weekend he may have the whole moto thing clinched with her, which would be awesome.
Tully had a great morning with the Little Dude which began with the Dude waking up at 4 in the morning and getting brought into bed with mommy and daddy with ChooChoo (Thomas the Tank) on the tv until everyone passed out again. Tully awoke a second time feeling refreshed (the kind of refreshed where, for a minute, you’re scared that you’re late for something) and found that it was 7:30 and the Dude and wifey were still sleeping. He got to wake up, stretch, and have a cup of coffee to himself before Little Dude awoke again. He tackle cuddled him, had a baby hand shoved in his mouth, and got to relax and have cuddles and appreciate that it was moments like this that are really what life is about. Awwwwwww. No sarcasm. Just heart swelling girlie awwww. Tully also informs us that Little Dude is no longer a baby (a glorified blob) and is definitely just the littlest kind of human there is now, because he looks like a person with normal, albeit tiny, proportions. He talks about the differences between Daddy play and Mommy play and how mommies and daddies play different roles (but equally important) in babies lives. Daddies drag toddlers around and play fight and make mommies nervous, which is something that often doesn’t occur to mommies, and he feels kind of bad for single moms out there doing it on their own. Ellis talks about how he does enjoy the whole shared parenting act from the perspective of being a 50/50 parent and not having the kiddies all of the time. It gives both him and his ex time to do their own thing and clear their minds, which is great, because missing the kiddies kind of helps you appreciate the time you have with them even more and get more excited to do things with them. Tully says that he does envy Ellis’ ability to have his own time, and also says that when the Little Dude gets a little older he’s sure he’ll be calling upon Ellis for advice and some of his newly acquired parenting skills.
It’s time for Ellis to spin the wheel because he lost his sorta bet with Tully about Tully receiving nudes from 10 separate females over the course of the show the other day (and I am really very surprised Hubbs did not send him my tata’s) and Ellis is gonna spin the wheel because he’s a man and a deals a deal. Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody know-soh it stopped on #6. What is number 6, you ask? Ellis has to get farted on. Where is Kevin Kraft when you need him? Oh, apparently he’ll be around later, so, never fear!!!
Who’s Jordan Graham? Why does Ellis want to know? Well, he wants to know because he is going to (has already been, at this point) be on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and Jordan Graham is a topic to be discussed. So…who is she? Because, yes, Jordan is a she…and she is that girl who pushed her husband of 8 days off the side of a cliff and didn’t tell anyone about it for a while. Why does Dr. Drew want Ellis to talk about this? Because he prolly wants Ellis to say she’s ugly, or stupid, or he deserved it and stir the pot a bit because that right there is what we like to call good entertainment. Or Dr. Drew wants him to get stabbed. While they are talking about this, good old Wilson peeks his head in to inform everybody that the bride turned widow (at a rather impressive turnover rate) has plead guilty to Murder 2, which Ellis succinctly sums up as, so she admitted that she pushed him off the cliff and murdered him, but she didn’t really mean to. So, she’s gonna go to jail. And yeah, Tully is right, murderers should totally be harvested for their organs, because how bad are they really gonna need them in jail? Tully brings up the fact that a lot of women (am I right?) approach the whole marriage thing badly and fall into the trap of getting all caught up in the perfect wedding day and don’t focus enough on the ensuing marriage. It’s an issue because the wedding only lasts a day, and most likely it will not go off without a hitch, and a marriage lasts a lifetime…ish. A lot of women think that marriage is going to change something and make them happy, and fail to realize that marriage doesn’t magically make people happy. Marriage isn’t gonna turn your boyfriend/fiance person into a whole new and improved version of that person. It’s not gonna transform you into another person either. You’re still the same people living to all the same bullshit that was there before so you shouldn’t expect a ring and piece of paper to be a big game changer. Other topics that may be broached with Dr. Drew tonight include that 16 year old who only got probation for essentially murdering four people in a drunk driving accident because he was rich and had lawyers who successfully argued that he suffered from affluenza and therefore was too rich to know his consequences have actions. What’s the best way to show this kid that his actions have consequences? Obviously it’s not to punish him like any other fucking person would be punished in this situation, but to put him on probation. Tully says that he doesn’t think the kid is a monster because it’s hard to define a 16 year old’s entire character based on one bad decision, but doesn’t think it’s right that he was rich enough to get out of jail time. Ellis agrees- you fucking kill someone, you need to go to jail. Because yeah, this kid needs to go to juvie and learn a lesson, not go to a cushy rehab and be told that he has a problem and it isn’t his fault. Four people are dead. Their families lives are altered forever, and someone has to pay the piper. Please let there be an ensuing civil suit. There’s an update on Amanda Bynes who had a lovely descent into the crazy shithouse over the past year. She is out of rehab and is back living with her parents after losing her shit, being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and getting some treatment. She is on the road to recovery, interested in starting a career in fashion, and that’s just great because she seems like a delightful person to be stuck in a revolving door with. People are getting abducted in some town somewhere near to where Jetta is from and Ellis was trying hard to read the name by himself, but Jetta ruined it after being told not to ruin it and got yelled at a bit for being a moron. In all the sounding out and googling to try and figure out what is going on with this news story…Tully can’t figure out who is getting abducted or why, and neither can anyone else, but Vanessa’s hair looked great today.
Ellis takes this opportunity to talk some smack on the Samsung Galaxy phones and the little watches that sometimes go with them. Will says the watch is a useless toy, but then says that it does let him know what’s going on with his schedule, such as alerting him to the fact that guest Greg Fitzsimmons is in the studio today. Ellis thinks the iPhone is superior because he is an iPhone user and generally all iPhone users think that. He takes a call from a girl named Angel and asks her if when she goes out on a first date with a guy and he pulls out a Galaxy does the guy in question get knocked down a peg. After a moment of thinking Angel says that yeah, a guy loses points when he pulls out a Galaxy instead of an iPhone. I’m pretty sure the sound of twitter exploding was heard ’round the world and many wondered why, and the phone lines lit up at the good old Jason Ellis Show studio. Yeah, the Android vs. iPhone debate is probably taken more seriously and argued more vehemently than Republican vs Democrats, and that is a sad sad fact of our culture. Girls with Galaxy phones call, girls with iPhones call, guys with Galaxy phones call, and everyone weighs in about which is the better phone, even though that’s not what Ellis was asking. He was asking which phone girls think are cooler. I am going to call bullshit on the caller who said her Galaxy fits in her lady sized pants pocket. Total bullshit. My iPhone, which is smaller, does not fit in any of my pockets, especially not the front ones. And seriously, if you judge a person based on their phone…go seek professional help or go get sterilized, because you are a part of the problem and we don’t need your progeny.
After the break the guys are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. And I am going to apologize to you now, because it was painful for me to sit through this next hour of show where they caught up on random bullshit and swapped random stories and Ellis was super excited, but, to men, it was like listening to a couple of guys who sort of knew each other but weren’t great friends catching up on whatever random tidbits of their lives occurred since they last awkwardly caught up with one another. I was tuned in and I swear to all that is Bunnies that I took four and a half fucking pages of notes during the hour or so that they talked…and guys…I got nothing. Hubbs put it this way, “Yeah, they talked a lot, and it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. There was some funny stuff in there.” Agreed. They talked about rap, rock and roll (Rolling Stones vs Beatles vs ACDC), bad tempers, being passionate, ex wifey beating Ellis up, right wing assholes, and podcasts. Feel free to hate me for not getting into the nitty gritty detail here, but that’s all I’m giving you, tweet me your hate @jennimazky if you feel the need, or request pics of the 4 1/2 pages of notes I took. You can enlarge them on your computer or zoom in on your phone…I have immaculate fucking handwriting.
Before final calls Tully rejoins the show with an article about an Indianapolis man who was arrested for coptering his cock at two random ladies, who he also may have been trying to abduct, that some lovely listener (FUCKING ME BITCHES) sent his way knowing that Ellis and Co are big fans of the act of swinging their cocks around copter style. And then the person who won the Why Hunger charity auction called the show!!! His name is Justin and he donated over $13,000 to hang with Ellis and feed starving kids. Good on you, Justin!!!!!!!!!! When asked what he wants to do with Ellis he responds that he wants to take Ellis and his fam to a Kings game, which is really wonderful, but I think he’s not getting the fact that Ellis wants to do something for him after he spent $13,000 to hang out with him….which buys a lot of candy bars. Whatever they wind up doing, I am certain that we will hear about it, because Ellis lives his life on the radio. Another round of applause for Justin and his vat of awesomesauce. Wilson has the new intro Ellis requested which was pieced together with soundbytes from yesterday’s show courtesy of Angie Stevenson, her sister and her friend, as well as Will, and Ellis likes it, but it’s not quite there. I’m sure that will be worked on and it will be pristine before we know it. A guy named Sean who has a baby face and wants to be a cop in Cali drops by the studio and Ellis and Tully make pig jokes at him while they can still do it without getting arrested. Kevin Kraft is woefully devoid of flatulence and it looks like Ellis will have to wait until tomorrow to be farted on, because if Kevin goes for it today, in all likelihood, he will get sharted on. And before it’s time for someone to not die, Tully shares that the man who was doing fake sign language for 3 hours are Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has been identified, but still no one is really sure how this guy got the gig. The guy does, in fact, know how to sign, however he reports suffering from a schizophrenic break and hallucinations of angels during his time and that’s why he was signing nonsense. No one is sure how this man got the security clearance required to stand right next to not only our president, but basically all the fucking world leaders, because the people who hired him have vanished into thin air. Oooooookaaaaaaaayyy. Who’s trying not to die? His name is Jerry and no, he is not going to do a recap of the show (good move, Jerry, good move) but he is going to sing a jaunty little tune about his, and everyone’s favorite wookie Chewbacca, on the hunt for intergalactic nookie. Well played.
Things we learned on the show today:
Tully may be getting older, but his feet still look great
Tully is attractive to black women
Ellis always tries to be thankful to the little people…until he gets angry with them
There’s a new Wolfknife Military Hoodie that is super sweet
Betsey sent Ellis the biggest chocolate bar he has ever seen
Ellis can’t touch his own back because his biceps are huuuuuuuuge
You can scare a pack of wolves away with Megadeath’s music
Tully & Ellis relate more to cats than to abductors
Fuck you if you’re trying to get Ellis to look at ‘the bright side’ of things
Different Cultures prefer different sized phones
Ellis’ face falls off if he doesn’t get enough sleep
Greg Fitzsimmons has a bad temper
Revenge is the sweetest thing next to pussy- Tupac- who then was murdered
Ellis has no savings in the bank
Greg Fitzsimmons plays ice hockey, paddle tennis, golf, and beach volleyball
Comedians and writers getting high and bouncing a ball over a net does not constitute a sport
Ellis needs a podcast
New Yorker’s secret to longevity- don’t make eye contact
Ellis follows a certain etiquette when sending a dick pic to the people he bests
Final callers: don’t ask Ellis what he’s up to…you know what he’s up to
Susan Boyle has Aspergers and the voice of an Angel
Tully has to go see Santa