Originally I had thought of a great way to open this recap…but that was around 7 hours ago when the show was starting and I was all excited and pumped and now…now it’s 7 hours later and I’ve lost my mojo a bit and am drawing a big, fat, blank after work, going to the super market, making dinner, playing with my kid, and trying to fix my laptop even though I just did all of the updates last week after fixing it and…sigh…it’s hard being a grown up. I never wanted to be one and it happened anyway. Beeteedubs…if anyone wants to donate to the cause of me being able to buy a laptop that actually works…you know where to find me. I’m mostly joking about that. Keep your money. I need to find a way to keep myself from getting so defeated over these stupid little things like laptop problems. Maybe I should get motivating words tattooed on my thumbs like Ellis is planning on doing. And that, ladies and gents, is what I like to call a segue. Boom. So anyway, yeah, Ellis opened up the show talking about how he wants to get the words ‘Faster’ and ‘Stronger’ tattooed on his thumbs because it will help him remember the things that he is trying to accomplish in life and will motivate him to make good decisions in all aspects of his day to day and professional life because it’ll be right in front of his face at all times, son. It’s like when you write stuff down on paper and keep that paper in your pocket to help you remember things, but then he doesn’t ever have to worry about losing the paper because it’ll be on his skin and if he loses his hands, well…he’ll have a whole lot more shit to worry about other than eating too much cheesecake. Did I mention that this whole ‘let’s get something inspirational tattooed on my thumbs’ was motivated by his inability to say no to the cheesecake that Katie brings home at night when she gets home from work? Ellis, as always, wants to be fit and take care of himself and live a long time and be useful, and since he’s getting heart surgery on Tuesday he isn’t going to be able to work out for three months and he’s really going to have to be on top of his diet and can’t sit around being a fat kid and stuffing his mouth with all of the junk food that he wants. So, he’s planning on stopping by Grant Cobb’s house after he goes to Devin’s school open house to get Faster and Stronger writer down his thumbs because he can’t get faster and stronger if he’s constantly reaching for the cheesecake. They talk about this for a while, and jump back and forth between subjects, but for the sake of cohesiveness (and because my brain feels like it is half falling out at this point), I’m gonna recap it all together. Tully brings up that instead of getting reminder notes tattooed on his hands he could always lock the fridge so he doesn’t stumble to it when he’s half asleep and more apt to stuff his face with junk food, and Ellis isn’t super on board with that because, well, how do you lock a fridge? The other problem is sort of that Katie never thinks that Ellis is fat, because technically he isn’t fat, he’s just heavier than he wants to be, and she keeps buying all these yummy goodies for him to eat. Ellis also wants to get in the habit of practicing what he preaches, since he is always telling all of us listeners that we need to take care of ourselves and eat clean and make sure we stick around for a long time, and he doesn’t always follow his own advice. So, while he’s not working out for three months he’s going to really concentrate on eating well and share what he’s doing with all of us and hopefully he’ll make our lives better. I know that, personally, listening to the show always motivates me to make better lifestyle choices and I’m a much healthier person (mind and body) since I started listening to the show 3 years ago. Annnnnnnnd I can’t believe that it’s been three years…it still kind of feels like I just started listening yesterday. That’s how fresh this show always is! Boom.

There was some talk about how Ellis and the kiddies broke the RC cars he got from Ken Block again, that Tully never realized had been broken a first time, but Ellis is kind of pumped on the whole thing because he’s been fixing them himself and he feels like he’s learning stuff about how to work on cars, because, hey, they’re little cars and he’s making them run and swapping out parts, and he and Tiggie do it together, which is super cool and fun. Two of the cars are gas powered and there is one that is battery powered and Ellis seems to be taking parts from the gas ones and swapping them with parts from the battery powered one, and again, he was doing it with Tiger and they had some good father-son time together. So good, in fact, that when Ellis was done making the fixes and changing the tires with tiny allen keys, he was perfectly okay with the fact that the batteries for the one RC car were plugged in at the studio. Which is a bummer and a lot of five year olds would have had a meltdown over it. Hell yeah Baby Ellis!!

On to other things Ellis had a sit down with the guys at Benchmark, which for those of you who somehow don’t know, are the guys who put out the Wolfknives stuff when you sign up to join the wonderful gang, because Ellis wants to expand the line and make some ‘premium’ Wolfknives gear. Apparently the Wolfknives apparel and accessories are doing really well and even hold allure to people who have no idea about The Jason Ellis Show and it’s ties to the leader of the best wolf pack of all time, and even retailers are interested in the Wolfknives line. That’s all very big and exciting news. Tully talks about how he’s always had the idea where he would design his own logo that he could have sewn on to his clothes because he’s a rather plain-clothed man and that way he could always be walking around wearing ‘his’ line of clothes. He’s brought it up to the wifey, since she is all kinds of in the know when it comes to fashion, and she shot that idea down quick letting Tully know that that would cost a lot of money and he’d have a shit ton of logos and he would have to really, really be dedicated to wearing only ‘his’ line for the rest of his life. So, that’s probably not going to happen. Ellis is pretty stoked about the whole Wolfknives thing, and the expansion of the line, because they’re the clothes that he likes to wear and he would have designed them anyway because even if it flopped, he would always wear it, and it’s pretty awesome that there are a bunch of us crazy people who want to wear it all too.  Speaking of the Wolfknives, Will comes in and has a list of people who are ready to get their names and Tully has a surprise!!! A fan of the show named Russell, created a Wolfknives Name Generator and sent the program or link or whatever to Tully for them to play around with. And, yeah, just in case you were wondering, No You Are did that, like, ages ago, bro, so, you know, way to be late to the party. Now that the snark is out of the way, the generator actually worked pretty well and was able to name a bunch of people some pretty wonderfully horrible things. So, welcome to the pack Queef Rippington, BoJangles Witherspoon, Fart HorseLog, Statutory Fingering, Dick Clit, Testicle Shadows, Emperor Raccoon, The Spanish Cumrag, Bear Driver, Chunky Gape, Lube Cheetos, Stan-In Bastard, Pissburger LadyBoy, Captain Racist, Predator Magnum, Diablo Tuna, Homo RageButt, and Clit Cheetos. The Name Generator worked pretty well, and there were only a couple of times they hit the refresh button more than once, so, hi five Russell, way to steal our site’s idea. And yeah, I’m joking about that, because I’m pretty sure it’s possible for two people to come up with the idea of a name generator without one party ripping it off another. Just know, that it was done first here ;)

Back from the first break, Ellis informs us that there is to be a new protocol for the ‘Don’t Die’ callers, because The Jason Ellis Show will just not give up on making the idea work, because it will, damn you, it will. So, the new deal is that when it comes time for final calls and don’t dies, Ellis and/or his King- Michael Tully, will inform listeners what the, I guess ‘theme’ is an appropriate word, is for the day. It’s going to go along the lines of a segment that the show did yesterday, where callers called in with the dumbest things that they’ve ever done, but it’s going to change every show. It can be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, the smartest thing you’ve ever done, etc. But, this way, people won’t keep dying when they’re supposed to, you know, not die. Will it work? Hopefully! Did it work today? You’ll have to get to the end of this recap to find out!!! Bwah-hah-ha.

Did you know that dog is not always man’s best friend? Maybe. Probably. I mean…some dogs are assholes, I guess, but no one ever really expects it to be cats. I mean, cats are basically notorious assholes, no matter how many cute videos there are of cats doing weird things. They’re more independent and tend to treat us like their pets instead of acting like they’re our pets. I have a cat. By association. She lives at my house at least, and I have to feed her, and sometimes she likes me and does that sweet, sleepy slow blink of cat love, and other times she glares at me like she wants to eat my unborn babies because I brought a puppy home and she fucking hates him. But anyway, there’s a cat in the news who did something so amazing for her little human boy that he or she is going to be featured in the hoity toity Cat Fancy publication. So what did the cat do? It saved a four year old little boy from being eaten by a neighbor’s dog. That’s pretty fucking hardcore. And no, I can’t post the link because my computer is a piece of shit, and I really apologize for that because while I suck at the whole inserting pictures into the recap thing, I have the link thing down and try not to make you do too much work on your own. If you’re interested…Google is totally a thing. I apologize. Think lovingly of my breasts is that appeases you. They’re fabulous. Also, in the news, Tully informs us that some (allegedly) batshit crazy 31 year old lady calling herself Charity convinced some innocent nice people that she was an abused, 15 year old runaway (a plot ripped straight from Law and Order SVU…no joke…it’s a fantastic episode) who then took her in and put her in the local private High School, where she fooled everybody. It’s not completely clear how the truth about the situation came out, but she had everybody fooled. Even the kids she went to school with couldn’t really believe it when the news broke. Pretty effing insane. I look pretty young, especially according to ladies in the supermarket, but even they peg me at 17 or 18, there’s no way I could pass for a 15 year old. I mean, on top of the fact that I have zero fashion knowledge and suck at using makeup…I have too many tattoos to ever be confused for a 15 year old. You know who also probably can’t pass for a 15 year old? Michael Sam. Yeah, really bad transition, but…it’s almost midnight and I was up at 4:30 and I am using that as my excuse right now. Michael Sam hasn’t done anything crazy, but Tully read a story about him that he found worth mentioning as some food for thought. There is a chance that Michael Sam won’t make the team that drafted him, as the Rams apparently are pretty well set in the position that Sam plays, and he’s just wondering if that is going to cause some trouble down the road for The Rams. He doesn’t think that the team would base their decision on Sam making the team on anything other than his football playing, but he kind of leaves it unsaid that there is the possibility that the media could cause a shit storm of badness speculating that maybe, just maybe, if he doesn’t make the team, it has something to do with his sexual orientation. And I wouldn’t put it pass the media, because they’ll do anything for ratings. But, there’s also no saying that if The Rams don’t put him on the team roster that he won’t wind up playing for another NHL Team.

And all that news talk effectively killed enough time for TJ Lavin to get to the studio along with his buddy Corey of Undaunted Clothing, and they are the guys who are kind of responsible for there being no TJES tomorrow. Yup, sorry to break the news, but Ellis is doing that UTV race this weekend and Friday is one of the days that he has to be there. But, you know, he has to go, because this could be the last race he has before he dies. And, really, if you look at the options, there’s a better chance that this really could be the last race that he ever gets to race, and that’s why you should never blindly trust statistics, because in all likelihood Ellis will be able to race again. Did you follow that? Should I break it down? Let me break it down. There are three options: 1) Ellis will be fine following the surgery and be able to go balls to the wall after his three month heart heal time 2) Ellis could die 3) The surgery could not work and Ellis wouldn’t be able to race because it could throw him into A-fib. Now…statistically, the odds are stacked against him when you take those three into account because 2 of the 3 available options means he could never race again, leaving only one good outcome- 33%. But that’s not really true, as there are other factors within those three categories which put the odds more heavily in his favor for being perfectly fine following the heart surgery, like the fact that there is only a 3% chance he could die, and the success rate for patients whose hearts never have a problem again after the surgery. But, really, don’t bitch about there being no show tomorrow. Yes, it’s sad and shitty, but, Big Daddy J needs to follow his bliss and that’s what we love about him. He’s there for us more often than he’s not by a wide margin. Give him a break.

Anyway, TJ Lavin, right? That dude is pretty awesome and I’m pretty sure he was actually a guest on the show in my beginning stages of writing for this wonderful website and that makes me feel good about him in a nostalgic kind of way. Also, I know who he is because I used to watch the Road Rules/Real World challenge back when it was still called that. He did the Inferno one, which is the only name I remember of them. That show is still around, just called The Challenge, and has been green lit for it’s 16th season. Holy freaking shit. I’m only a decade older than that freaking show. It couldn’t even be my baby. TJ and Corey talk a lot with Ellis about the upcoming race and throughout the interview/appearance/whateveryouwannacallit it really kind of comes out the TJ, although he is going to be in a higher classed race, really has zero experience over Ellis, and that is going to be entertaining as fuck. They laugh a lot, share a lot of memories, make a lot of jokes at each other’s expense, and have a good time. Oh god, I almost said that they talked about Mike Tyson, and that’s what happens when you listen to two shows in one day and don’t write your recap for 7 hours. ugh. That was yesterday. Mike Tyson was yesterday. Today was the race in Lake Elsanor talk. Towards the end of the segment the guys take a Skype call from a guy who super loves TJ Lavin is it. Was. Amazeballs. Why? Because it was some guy in a gimp mask and ball gag wearing assless chaps that made out with posters of Lavin. At one point there was a collective, loud, yelling ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ from all the guys in the studio and that’s when Tully informed us that the caller was wearing assless chaps. It was amazing. TJ Lavin thought the dude was awesome, probably because he was rubbing his nipples while talking to him, and it was a good time. There were some other calls to talk to TJ, and they pale in comparison to how awesome that was. I’m not telling you about them. They are nothing. Even though SPOILER ALERT (ha) it was Cumtard. How do I know that? Christian posted a text conversation he was having with Kevin at the time and Kevin said for Christian to text Jetta because he was currently in a closet or something wearing a Gimp Mask. Still. Fucking Epic. Check out the text on Instagram @Kingtrut if you don’t believe me. I salute you, Cumtard, I love you so hard right now.

Back from the break we are informed by Tully that it is National Peace Officer Memorial Day, and there is some back and forth on wtf a peace officer is. A caller calls in and informs everyone that yes, Police Officers and Sherriff’s are peace officers, but also, you can be one too! All you need is to take a class and they give you a badge and you can get a gun and then you are subjected to the same power and regulation as a law enforcement person. Ellis thinks that he and Tully should take the class and become Peace Officers so they can arrest each other all day long and so Ellis can arrest Katie’s Box any time that he wants. Tully takes the opportunity to inform us all that Kentucky police are still looking for information on the murder of Police Officer Jason Ellis and tells us that if anyone has any information on who is responsible for this horrible crime can email the Kentucky Police at EllisCaseEtips@KY.gov. On the offhand chance that any of you fucks reading this know anything about it, do the right thing.

Christian is in the studio for his signature segment of Stripped Vocals. But not. I mean, he was really there, but he didn’t just strip songs down to the vocals this time around, he stripped down to different parts- guitar, drums, orchestral, etc, to show us just how much there is that goes into making these songs. It was pretty awesome and he played us pieces of greats from Stevie Wonder (the best blind drummer of all time), the Beatles, that song Heard it Through the Grapevine, and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Ellis really likes when Christian does these segments because he feels like it’s helping everyone appreciate music on a deeper level, and it exposes a lot of people to music that they wouldn’t normally listen to or wouldn’t normally appreciate. Christian also played some stripped vocals by request and played Firework and Bohemian Rhapsody and it was awesome. Actually…the most awesome part was when Ellis dared the listeners to crank up the volume on their radios for the stripped Katy Perry vocals and take a video of themselves doing it to send to him because…well…if you’re a listener you know why. It’s kind of awesome to juxtapose the image of the typical Jason Ellis Show listener with the musical stylings of Katy Perry. But you’re a real man, or woman, if you crank that shit. There were a bunch of people who sent in videos of themselves in traffic and gas stations and things like that blasting Katy Perry for the world to see/hear and everyone got a good laugh from it. Hubbs asked me why I didn’t do it, and I responded that 1) we were parked in front of a customer’s house in a quiet neighborhood and the system in the work truck would have probably kept the customer from ever calling us again and 2) seeing me blasting Katy Perry is nothing new, I do it on the reg. If he had been in the truck at the time, other than getting the customer to sign the paperwork, I would have felt more compelled to do it, because he’s a big, beefy tattooed guy and it’s funnier. Despite the fact that on one of our first dates he came rolling up blasting Katy Perry, and when we go out and there’s a DJ he always requests that they play the song and dedicate it to me. Fucking mushy wonderful man I have. He listens to “Girlfriend” by Avril too. Seriously. I went to skip it when it came on my ipod once and he said, “What are you doing? I love that song!” and changed it back. If any of you tell him I said this, eat shit and die. But it’s one of the things I love about him. He listens to a wide variety of music, mostly because he has killer systems in his vehicles and everything sounds amazing, but also because he’s a sexy man beast who is totally secure.

At the end of the show there was some Hollywood News which involved the announcement of Li’l Kim being pregnant and putting up her registry info on the internet thereby inviting everyone with access to the internet to send her gifts, the guy who leaked the Solange/Jay-Z video got fired from his job but made 250k for releasing the video…although the police have been informed of his identity and that may be soon going to legal fees, and Justin Bieber is still a little shit. Does that surprise anyone? Not really. He’s a little shit who runs around with a pack of little shits. Together they are one big, blown out, shit up the back baby diaper.

Time for the don’t die! What’s the theme for today? Don’t die and tell me the gayest thing that you have ever done! Unless you’re gay, no wait, especially if you’re gay!!!! The first guy who called got shot off because he was taking too long, but the second caller, Amy, did not die and she regaled us with her succinct tale of how she and her guy friend had sex with a girl who was on her period, and didn’t tell them, and Amy had gone down on her. Red Dragons, bitch!!!!

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Tully wants to sell silver leather pants to the masses. But not really.

There may be a Wolfknives Canadian Hockey Jersey in the works

Gotta dodge the Age Bullets

Parents are too overprotective of their kids these days

Will started taking Ambien to sleep and hasn’t murdered anyone yet, but his pillow was in the freezer this morning

Newscasters have to pretend that they’re objective, but the News would be way better if they were genuine and just lost their shit like everyone else

It’s scary doing motorsports

TJ Lavin will be driving a Pro Lite in a race and he’s only ever done 10 laps in one

Joe Rogan is too busy to be on TJES, but they still all love each other, and that’s cool

The Beatles are very good

Back in the day music was made for adults to enjoy and now the target audience is children

Ellis needs a nap

Once again there will not be a live show tomorrow, Friday, so enjoy the replay and don’t give Ellis shit about it, he has his heart to worry about and this could be his last race ever.