Daily Archives: June 10, 2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/10/2013

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i_love_you

No matter how fugly you are, somebody loves you!

The calendar say’s it is Monday, but who really knows – it’s all made up and you’re still implanted in the Matrix – shooting hot wads out of your moist dick. Also, if you’be been following the news at all, go ahead and say hello to the NSA, they’re already very familiar with you and your antics. Wankers and Wankettes might soon be on TJES street team, handing out stickers and shit – but probably not, because they both suck. So actually, don’t even bother looking for that at all. Character is better than looks, because if you have character, bitches can look past your hideously, grotesquely flawed features. The Gracie’s will not only teach you jiu-jitsu, they’ll teach you life lessons – that’s right, you can earn your black belt in life and rub your balls all up in life’s face! Why do people consider the 1950’s the “golden age” and the best time in America? Is it because they are racists? Why was Happy Days such a big hit? And why isn’t now considered the best time in America? Nobody ever shot hot wads in the 50’s, but they sure as fuck do now. Dave England, of Jackass fame, called in to give his 2 shits on the subject, but Ellis didn’t believe it was really him. Welp, looks like it really was him, whoops! Speaking of the 1950’s, here’s a masturbation PSA from 1975, where Ricky’s mom catches him masturbating. Rawdog went to LA’s gay pride festival over the weekend, he saw a dude on all fours in a dog mask, barking at another dude on all fours. You probably can’t appreciate the image that sentence creates in your mind, but it’s going to have to do because Rawdog didn’t take a picture or video of it. But, never fear, Ellis was there for 6 seconds and saw a firetruck full of gay dudes. And guess what? He made a Vine of it so you don’t have to wonder what that might look like. You know what’s better than McDonald’s french fries? Oreo cookies, liquor, and blow jobs.

fluffer

No, this wasn’t meant for Rawdog.

Hollywood news time, kids! Kobe Bryant and his mom said something to each other, the rapper 2 Chainz crew are cockroaches, Justin Bieber’s fucking stupid, Erin Brockovich drunk on a boat and stuff, Burger Ellis has turned into a woman, Russell Brand can’t talk no more, Amy Schumer might overeat, and John Malkovich is really a super hero. And there you have it, your in-depth coverage of Hollywood news as brought to you by the leader’s in Hollywood news! MMA news time, childrens! Fabricio Werdum submitted Antônio Rodrigo Nogueira by yelling “your mom” jokes at him (according to Rawdog). Thiago Silva defeated Rafael “Teijao” Cavalcante, I think in a more manly fashion and not be yelling loudly at his opponent. Mark Hunt underwent surgery for the infected hematoma in his leg after his loss to Junior dos Santos. BJ Penn wants to come back as a lightweight while Dana White wants him to quit, because gosh darn it, Dana cares. Also, the “BJ” in BJ Penn’s name doesn’t stand for any of the following: Baby Jesus, Blow Job, Baby Job, Black Jew, Brazzer’s Job, or Beef Jerky. Now you know.

chokes_on_pill

Yes, this was meant for Rawdog.

Aubrey Marcus from OnnIt™ was on the show after the break to talk about Tully’s parking ticket that he got today and to help get Rawdog even more ripped than he already is, and to get him on a healthier eating regiment. Aubrey was warned about how Rawdog thinks about food, but he was still blown away at what Rawdog likes and dislikes when it comes to food. But the fun didn’t stop there, he was introduced to Rawdog’s pill taking technique, or anti-pill taking technique, as he witnessed a miracle in studio when Rawdog tried to swallow a pill and it mysteriously ended up back in the water bottle and not down his gullet. He had originally brought in 14 pills that Rawdog was going to be taking, but after finding out about his “small throat”, he revealed a powdered version of another supplement that tastes like plastic watermelon – right up Rawdog’s alley! Waka Flocka Flame ate someone’s baby, or saved someone’s life and broke up their marriage, or something like that. I don’t really know, it kind of went in one ear and out the other, so here he is recording his backup vocals, it’s so bad it’s funny.

basebaww_appaw_prie

The WNBA is as American as…

Tully knows someone who was so into Bryan Adams that they would travel the country going to his shows, and he wasn’t talking about @mike_in_canada, which defies logic – there can only be one. Nothing counts when it comes to the WNBA, those games didn’t even happen, according to Tully. They are worthless and not real and he’d be more interested in seeing a woman in professional baseball than the women in the WNBA just throwing a basketball over and over at a net and never making a basket. This stirred up a bit of a frenzy as if chumming shark infested waters, but that’s Tully (hilarious) and he defended his position until the bitter end. Which reminds me of a story. A nun was walking through the park when a man jumped out, pulled her into the bushes and raped her. After he was through, he asked her what she was going to say in confession. She said, “I’m going to tell the truth. A man jumped out, pulled me into the bushes and raped me twice – unless you’re too tired.” OH!

Straight Talk With Anal Gay-Lewis (aka Anthony Sandoval)

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The @NoYouAre_RDS crew had an opportunity to have a Q & A session with Anthony Sandoval (aka: Anal Gay-Lewis, @AntASandoval), an intern for The Jason Ellis Show, a few questions to help get to know him better. By definition, interns don’t last long and the show has gone through many of them. This marks the first intern that NYA has bothered to get to know, and here’s what we chose to ask.

You clearly have been more brazen than most interns in the recent month or so, why is that? Is that you trying to be “in line” with the show, you being a little frustrated, or what?
It’s a bit of both. As an intern and a fan of TJES I definitely want to provide entertainment and leave my mark on the show as previous interns have done. But when I fail to do my job effectively I feel like I have let the show down and I am wasting their time, so I get frustrated for not doing my job. I’m guilty of trying too hard is all. Things have been getting easier for me and I’m being put in charge of a lot more important things so I feel more useful and less frustrated. The most important thing to do when working with Ellis and the crew is to give them space to do their thing and assist them when called upon to do so, do not try to force your whacky ideas onto the crew and instead send them over to Dom, if the idea flops he’ll get yelled at for it and it’ll be hilarious on the air. Entertainment and contribution? Check and check.

Could you see the guys letting you come back to the show from time to time? Would you want to come out of the closet on the show?
I would hope so. I really want to do my best to be a source of entertainment on the show and be somewhat memorable. I learned a lot about what to expect, how to react, and how to carry myself on the show. I would certainly volunteer myself for fan contests to come into the studio and do stunts for prizes, and If Ellis wants me to fight in an EllisMania I would certainly do that too. Needless to say the next 3 months will be easier for me as opposed to my first 3 months. Needless to say the next 3 months will be easier for me as opposed to my first 3 months. If called upon to do so I will come out as a gay 6’3” man-boy.

You’ve become quite the Top Dog among the interns, how do you plan on readjusting to real life when you won’t be any more important than the white speck atop chicken shit?
The whole “Head Intern” thing was given to me by Will because he wanted Jetta and Team Punishment to know what they had to do on the first day rather than constantly ask Will things like how to throw away a box (an actual Team Punishment question). I didn’t have an “Anal Gay Lewis” to answer my questions show me the ropes and list the things that I should and shouldn’t do so I wouldn’t fuck up as much. I had Fruitler…but he just sat around and kept bragging about the recent show at the Whiskey A Go-Go he went to and how much he and his friends love to get fucked up every night, so I was pretty much by myself. For my future my experience being an intern at SiriusXM and for the best show on Satellite will definitely look great on my resume so I’ll probably get a job in broadcasting in San Francisco or some smaller market, I applied for a few jobs with SiriusXM too so we’ll see. As for the chicken shit part of the question…At least I’ll be the TOP speck on the pile! WOOOOO!

During your time on the show so far, what has been your most memorable experience? Funniest bit you’ve heard?
The Tiger Box Rehearsal. Me singing Danzig’s “Twist of Cain” while getting groped by four women? No fucking contest. The Funniest bit I have ever listened to was Dom’s Shocking Movie Lines who could forget the classic movie line as interpreted by Dom. “I feel the neeeeeed the neeed for sp-p-p-eeeeeeeeeeeeeed! ah fuck my spine it’s shocking my spine!” -Dom

Why do you hate Tully so much?
Apparently getting Tully a medium coffee instead of a small is the ultimate “Fuck You” when it comes to intern-show staff etiquette my bad Bro-ham! I don’t hate him personally, off the air he is the nicest guy I have ever met. Even when he tries to be a dick he would say things like “Excuse me would you please get lost for a few minutes?” there is no being mad at the guy. He’s fantastic on the air too! C’mon his razor-sharp wit, flawless logic, and bottom-less store of references are certainly things to be envious of, but not things to hate him for. Anybody who hates Tully for being smart obviously likes to drink wine.

Do you feel like the brand of humor on the show has in any way affected how you approach writing jokes for your stand-up career?
Their more direct approach to humor is certainly good for both radio and stand-up. While more long form stuff would only work for a captive audience at say…the Jambalaya in Arcata (a recent venue I performed at on 5-28-13….not bragging) they would be more likely to listen to a story about how Taco Bell is for masochists who love diarrhea, rather than a radio audience does not have the attention span for that. Doing comedy on the radio is waaaaaay different than being on a stage. I could try to do more short jokes with better pay off at the end but I’m still very much used to doing long form stories. Keep in mind I’m a beginner at stand-up (1 and a half years total) so I’m supposed to suck at it, no one can become George Carlin overnight unless you’ve bitten by a Resurrected George Carlin lycanthrope then by laws of nature when a full moon rises you do in fact become Geroge Carlin overnight! I will say that bombing on the air while millions of people were listening definitely made performing on stage in front of a few people for 10 minutes much easier. Thanks?

A while back the guys asked what order they would be in for the world’s greatest pterodactyl. Which two would get the hands and who would get the mouth in your perfect pterodactyl with the Jason Ellis show crew?
Rawdog would be the mouth and Ellis and Tully would be the wings. In order for the Pterodactyl to even achieve flight and survive it would need two strong wings (Ellis, and Tully) and while Rawdog is not very intimidating it’s perfect because he would lure his prey into a false sense of security then eat his prey while it was too busy laughing at his giant bush baby eyes.

Thanks for reading and stay Anal!
Anal Gay Lewis
Spring 2013/Summer 2013 Intern for The Jason Ellis Show, 6’3″ Weirdo, and CEO of “40 Minute Chicken Sandwhich Productions” (does not exist)

Shout out to Anthony for taking the time to answer our questions and for being such a good sport about it! Wish him good luck with his stand-up comedy and with his next adventures in life. In case you want to hear more about his internship from his own words, see his post on the SiriusXM Intern Blog.