If there’s one sound I hate, it’s the sound of people with no appointment who didn’t call to ask ahead if we’ve got time coming in the front door at my work, interrupting a conversation I’m already having with another customer, talking like they’re a regular ass customer even though we’ve never worked on their shit before, acting like I need to drop fucking everything to fix whatever the fuck they got going on, not letting me get a word in edgewise, telling me all the shit they’ve never had a problem with, not getting to the fucking point when I ask them what their car is doing and not having the decency to tell me your fucking name cause I’m supposed to just magically know who the fuck you think you are. That sound makes me want to torque a kitten’s head clean off, just to prove the point that you need to get your attitude under control before you start making my day that much more difficult for no legitimate fucking reason. I refer you to the Screeching Weasel song “Beginningless Vacation” to properly express my sentiments on this kind of behavior. Luckily, that shit came and went and now I can focus on things that actually brighten my day, like The Jason Ellis Show! Today’s show started, very appropriately, with a little ditty by Elvis Costello about writing a book, and if you don’t get the joke it’s cause Ellis’ new book “The Awesome Guide to Life” came out today, so go get a copy of that shit, if all else fails you can use it as a door stop so the kids don’t bust in while you’re slamming your way through thousands of incredibly morally loose women!!! And then he played The Beatles’ “Paperback Writer”!!! IT JUST DOESN’T GET ANY PUNNIER THAN THAT, DAD!!! IT REALLY FUCKING DOESN’T!!! GOD DAMMIT DAD HOW ABOUT YOU WATCH SOMETHING BRITISH AND TRY TO HONE THAT WIT JUST A FUCKING TOUCH, YOU’RE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! Then Ellis started talking about how our Presidents are all murderers and every last one except Jimmy Carter should be tried and hung, and maybe Jimmy Carter too, just not for murder. There was some more talk about the book and how last time Jason signed a bunch of books husband/wife writer team stopped by the publishing warehouse and got kicked in the teeth by the fact that a dyslexic Australian skateboarder is signing 1000 books and people actually want them. Jason’s gonna be taking his medicine show on the road doing interviews and stuff and pissing off more Texan bloggers who don’t know how to take a joke and make assumptions about what other people really think. Tully and Jason talked a while about the book and what’s in it, but without too much detail so there were no spoilers for all of us that haven’t read it yet. There was more marketing and interview chatter which was very hard for me to pay attention to because there were loud noises and customers in my shop and I was pounding out a bacon cheeseburger like a donkey fucking a watermelon. But it sounds like it’s off to a good start. Jason is gonna be on Adam Carolla’s podcast and Loveline to promote the hell out of it. Andrea recently started going back to school and it was supposed to make for more time for Jason to spend with the kids, but the timing of it is so terrible that he’s actually gonna be seeing them way less, but it’s gonna work out in it’s own way. Luckily, this shit is only gonna be a one week festival of self-help humor bullshit, so the wing is gonna be at his nest with no concerns really soon. Luckily, Dr. Drew has a really trustworthy boner, so if Katie needs to babysit and he shows up, it’s a no harm no foul situation. Jude stopped by to talk parenting and fucking the babysitter, and I was cracked out on the Foreally show all weekend, so this is a very welcome addition to the show for me. Jude is confident that his daughter is gonna be a square, straight laced kid, almost the complete polar opposite of him, and he’s actually as happy about that as a parent could be. They got into some of the deeper effects of how the personalities may be different, but the character flaws are all gonna be the same when it comes to the guys their daughter is gonna date. Jude is even gonna bring it to the level of how your dad farts and how your daughter is gonna gravitate to that familiar stank and rhythm. Tully has found that part of this is true because his sister and his mom are like twins separated at birth even though they’re a generation apart from each other. It really goes to show you that so many people really do grow up to be and/or fuck their parents. The guys talked books and stuff again, cause Jude dropped his book Hyena a little while ago. Then Jude gave a shout out to the official vagina of NoYouAre, the one and only Jenni Mazowiesky, cause she stopped by his show to hang out the other day and it was a great time for everybody. This got the discussion turned to how you make a logo to market yourself with, like Jason with the Wolfknives and all the RDS stuff he endorses. Jude has also been working out with ropes and kettlebells and shit and it’s been working great for him, so it’s great to know he’s got the cardio to handle all that ketamine. Ha also let Jason know that he still uses cashmere socks to jerk off with, when a silk scarf is unavailable. Using his drawls use to be the standard move, but Jude’s cum is too acidic for a simple pair of tightey-whitey’s to handle. Basically, everything in Jude’s house is covered in jizz at any given time, so if you’re there for a visit, y’know, BYOB or whatever you need to do. A doctor called in to chime in on the whole cumming-in-socks habit, and basically everyone has fungal spores on their feet and socks, so unless they’re oven sterilized, you shouldn’t be jerking into socks or cleaning your dick off with a pair of them. Then Jude propositioned him for a hook-up on some painkillers and the dude maybe knew a dude and they traded pager numbers to handle some shit later. A guy called in to share his experience with athlete’s wang cause back in high school he banged out the campus harlot and hadn’t yet learned about the wonders of tough actin’ Tinactin. Jude only switched to socks cause condoms smell funny and he used to have something known as a fuck egg, which is not as mysterious as you think, it’s pretty much a stretchy latex egg that you beat your dick to pieces inside of. The guys read some of the reviews and Jude found out there were a lot more variations to these eggs than he was aware of before, so maybe it’s time to take a second run with them. Jason went to the tranny awards over the weekend and (SHOCKING) there was a whole fuckload of tranny porn stars and such hanging around and getting awards for things and it sounds like everybody had a great time. Ellis was seated at a table with Jenna Jameson, who has continued her recent run of fucking whacknoodles insanity that all the tabloids are talking about, like talking mad shit on Tito and getting topless on her website so that her webmaster will give her a new password. There was some talk about all the different styles of trannies and how Jude didn’t even realize that Foxxy had a dick when he met her at EllisMania 8 and was eyeballing that shit all night. Just as Jude was leaving, a delivery of flowers came in for Jason and Tully from Betsy, the only fan who is organized and can get things done when Ellis doesn’t really ask for/need it. Of course, aside from all the gender bending adventures that Jason had, there was also a UFC this weekend, and after Metallica cranks it up to eleven on your massive clit penis, we’ll get to talking about it.

Our old friend Kenda Perez called in, with special guest GPS voice, to discuss the fights that went down over the weekend. Also, Dominic Cruz was on conference call with them, so that added to the festivities. Jason and Dominic have a bet going that if Jason can land a punch on the Dominator, then Cruz is gonna have to get Jason’s name tattooed on his ass by some monster energy promo girl, and vice versa if Jason can’t do it. After getting that out of the way, there was a bunch of talk about MMA and fight techniques and what white people didn’t get punched in the face that should have and I didn’t watch any of it cause I camped in front of my Playstation with the Foreally show on blast for two and a half days straight, so I have no opinion, but it sounds like the only thing the UFC was missing this weekend is white people getting punched in the face. But luckily, we all know that Kenda slept in nothing but an EllisMate T-shirt and has been pretty much living in her new Red Dragons hoodie, so if you know all the designs it really easy to imagine that draped over her willing, powerless body, just waiting for you to snap one off across her grille like a creepy BDSM good morning victimization kind of thing. There was supercross this weekend too, and Chad Reed participated, so it’s good to see his injuries from the last one haven’t slowed him down too much, but it was a tough one for him, so he may be rethinking finishing out the season or taking a few races off to recuperate. The guys took some phone calls and people chimed in to say that the books are getting delivered on time, unlike the debut Death!Death!Die! album.There’s a video floating around the internet of Ken Block rolling his rally car right at the most crucial part of the season, costing him a season championship. Basically, after pounding out a few wins, there was a fucked up high spot in the road under some weeds that they wouldn’t have been able to see and it flipped his car ass over tea kettle, almost taking his spotter’s arm off and generally turning one 650HP Ford Fiesta into a one-ton heap of scrap metal. It sounds like more of a failure on the part of the track inspectors who forgot to mention where the road narrowed and this god damn car flipping hump in the dirt was. And as a true testament of how little Ken gives a fuck, once the car landed right side up again, he actually tried to restart the engine and take off, not realizing that a lot of the most important parts were strewn across the countryside, including the wheels, which are usually quite important when trying to win a race or make an object move across a generally flat surface. Wilson got called in to explain why the hell he insists on adding music to the logs for Jason to use based on completely arbitrary circumstances and very inconsequential tidbits of information from recent things Jason has been doing. Basically, Pendarvis is a cunt hair away from finding a great reason, that doesn’t really exist, to slip some Dave Matthews band in after a segment about someone wrecking a car or having sex with a mule.

Thursday is gonna be jam packed for the wing, he’s gonna be doing a Q&A on Reddit, and the radio show, and Loveline and a whole gang of shit too. But that’s nothing compared to Tully who’s gonna have a wife who’s doing a no sugar or wheat or processed or fun or tasty or nutritional or fulfilling diet and it’s almost like having a chick with rampant PMS, only that she could have a particularly bad round of PMS during her self induced PMS, so it’s almost like when you punch a bull and don’t run away fast enough. The guys talked a while about all the frontier medicine and ten dollar per ounce bullshit organic products that are simply nothing but someone’s inflated opinion about people who like science, capitalizing on the well paid and poorly informed masses who think that riding a fixie bike at 12 MPH in the far left lane of a three lane expressway is gonna save the environment, not considering that every car that’s backing up behind them is polluting three times as much and burning way more gas at low RPM in first gear waiting for this lycra clad post-revolutionary to get the fuck off the road and get behind the counter at Kinko’s where he fucking belongs. But enough about all that, cause Dana White is on the phone to talk some more UFC with the boys. Considering that he’s the president of that organization, he seems to know quite a bit about all the fighters and events, so it was refreshing to hear a well informed voice speaking about the subject. Recently, Dana pulled down a barrista who was in the process of being fired from working the drive-thru window when Dana called to let him know he’s got bigger and better things to work for and that he should tell his boss that venti doesn’t even mean twenty in Italian and that Starbucks can gargle some load with their fucking disgusting diarrhea water coffee, and that everyone behind the counter should probably listen to the MMA fighter who could snap all of them in half when he’s saying he’s got a really good reason to need to take a phone call at work. After Dana excused himself to go continue mobbing up more fighters for his semi-legal but wholly entertaining organization, Jason asked the fans to make sure that every tweet for the next day or so could include #TheAwesomeGuideToLife or #AwesomeGuideToLife or whatever the fuck they settled on for the hashtag. But failing that haswhtag trending all over the world, Jason asked a bunch of friends like Tony Hawk and Rob Dyrdek to give a shout when they can, but didn’t ask Carey Hart cause he’s getting back surgery and it would be a little tasteless to go asking for favors from somebody’s possible deathbed. But not nearly as bad as the interpreters at the UFC, that shit is like trying to make a four year old read Siddhartha in front of a room full of Nobel Lauriates. The guys kicked around more MMA talk for a while and stuff, and that was probably great for all the folks with opinions on it. So, last week Jetta declared that 90% of the fans are idiots, and while that may be sort of true, so the guys called him into the studio to remind him that it’s not that god damn difficult to make sure the talent has water to drink while they’re talking for four hours. He also can’t keep a microphone next to his face properly when trying to respond to the many accusations that he’s now left himself open to by ostracizing the fans. Ellis and Tully cooked up a game for Jetta to play so that he can back up his claims about the caller’s intelligence and see if he’s really that fucking smart and special. First question, who was the fourth President of the USA? Jetta’s answer was compared to three callers who answered that it was either Grover Cleveland, John Quincy Adams or Jeff, uh fucking, David, and Jetta’s answer was Andrew Jackson, and nobody was correct but doesn’t single out Jetta as being superior to anybody just yet. Next question was how many cups are in a gallon? And for a guy who deals in quarts and pints and gallons all day the way I do, it was a simple mathematical equation for me, but the callers said it was either 32, 16 or 24, and Jetta answered 16, proving that one out of three callers and Jetta were correct. Next question, who won last year’s Stanley Cup? The callers estimated it was either The Bruins, the L.A. Kings or someone else that I didn’t hear, and Jetta answered the Detroit Red Wings, and none of them were correct, especially since the L.A. Kings are a basketball team but Ellis let that one slide cause it was a really cute sounding lady that gave that answer. It was the Chicago Blackhawks, in case you’re wondering, and since I’m planning to move to Canada I should probably start taking in some of this kind of info on the off chance it can prevent me from getting deported back to Oakland or some backward ass farming community in Europe somewhere that my ancestors are from. NEXT QUESTION!!! What war was the backdrop for the TV show M.A.S.H.? The callers suggested Vietnam, Vietnam, and Vietnam, and Jetta answered Vietnam as well, but if you ever actually paid some god damned attention while you were watching that show, you would know that it was KOREA!!! And as an interesting sidenote, the Korean war only lasted about 2 and a half years, but the show M.A.S.H. lasted for almost eleven, just goes to show you that Hollywood will keep whipping the carcass as long as the ratings are good. Next question, how much does Jason’s penis weigh? The callers guessed that it was either 6 pounds soft, 3.7 pounds, or 100 pounds and Jetta answered one ounce, and even though 6 pounds was correct, Jason decided to mail a book to the guy who said 100 pounds cause it is nice to have one’s ego stroked from time to time. The next question for Jetta and the fans was what is the second amendment to the US constitution? The callers said it was either the right to bear arms, the right to bear arms, or the right to bear arms, and Jetta was correct in writing down the same answer as all those three dudes. Next muthafuckin’ question, party people, NAME THE CAPITOL OF EITHER NORTH OR SOUTH DAKOTA!!! The answers given by the callers were Dakota, Bear-fox, and Pierre and Jetta was so shook by the question that he didn’t even bother to answer, making the one guy who answered Pierre correct on this particular occasion. Next dose of party trivia, who is the rime Minister of Canada? The callers answered that it was either Sasquatch, Santa Claus or Steven Harper, all of which trumped Jetta’s answer of Rob Ford, the crack smoking obese alcoholic mayor of Toronto (who I fully intend to party with if it guarantees me a Canadian green card, plus I just want to see a ridiculously fat guy spun out of his balls in a perfectly friendly setting, cause I never got to meet Chris Farley and hat was probably a great show to be around). Jetta, proving his tardedness once again, was trumped by the answer of Steven Harper, whose name I’m almost guaranteed to forget even though I might need to know it when I move to Canada, unless that whole Rob Ford citizenship-for-yayo arrangement works out for me. Next question, who is the current points leader in supercross? The callers suggested it was either Ryan Villapoto, Jason Ellis, or what’s that again? Jetta answered Villapoto, but unfortunately nobody was correct because the real leader for this season was never revealed but I’m sure people who are paying attenton know who it is and that’s what’s really important. Next question, what are the colors of the Australian flag? Callers surmised that they were either “I hope I know by the time they put me on the air”, red white and blue, or red white and blue, and Jetta answered blue and white which earned him a spin of the wheel of doom. Jetta bowed out to the fact that maybe his original estimate of 90% may have been a bit high on the caller-to-idiot ratio. That will not protect him from emotional abuse at the hands of his employers and customers though, and rightly so, cause it doesn’t pay to be a twat. To be fair though, the intern Hardcore doesn’t know what the Australian flag looks like either and has no interest in traveling the world, so at least he’s got a good excuse. After busting Jetta’s balls a little while longer, Jetta apologized to the audience and the guys let him go back to the phones to continue being abused by the clientele. As an olive branch to the EllisFam, Jetta volunteered to give a foot massage to the grodiest set of feet that can get an afternoon off work to come down to the studio and transmit some athlete’s wang to Jetta’s hands.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS TIME FUCKERS!!! The race for worst song of 2014 is in full swing as Billy Ray Cyrus has re-recorded “Achey-Breakey hearty” this time with guest vocals from someone claiming to be Dionne Warwick’s son and a backbeat that is just unacceptable and quite frankly if you need any more proof that country is dead, you should probably be fucking executed yourself cause you’re fucking up the gene pool. Same with white girls that have no ass who feel the need to twerk and decided to do so on the new Billy Ray Cyrus video! Also, Sharknado 2 is in the process of being filmed, and one of the stars is friend of the show Mark McGrath. Also, Jason almost got blackballed into talking about George Zimmerman on Dr. Drew On Call, but the producers there were reasonable enough to understand his view on it and let him sit that segment out. Long story short, it wouldn’t hurt the media’s bottom line to have some god damn dignity and quality control with the content they put out. Somebody called in to suggest that Jason should try out for Sharknado 2 and although it would be great publicity for the Awesome Guide to Life, there’s really no legitimate reason that should happen. The Sharknado franchise has jumped the Sharknado, in my personal opinion. Axl Rose’s ex wife recently had a photo shoot with her two sons and some of the images really make it look like the mom is in a love triangle with her two sons. And in case it wasn’t shockingly obvious, Ellen Page is a taco bumper, and not just cause it’s trendy, she’s team V all the way. Barbara Walters is 84 years old and shrinking fast. She also told her “The View” co-hosts about her vibrator which is making yesterday’s lunch rise back up in my throat, so let’s move on. And Shia LeBouf is making a terrible attempt at retiring from public life cause Hardcore the intern did a little recon on him and found an art exhibit with himself as the subject, where he will sit across from you at a table with a paper bag over his head and you can do whatever you want to his semi-conscious body as he just sits there and cries. Hardcore got an Instagram video of his experience at this exhibit. He even got to watch the Bouf eat a Hershey’s kiss under a paper bag. So, pretty much safe to say that LeBouf is pretty much the next Corey Feldman and/or Haim. The guys turned to the phones to finish out the show and it was a lot less ridiculous than normal, so that’s good. If you haven’t gotten your hands on a copy of the Awesome Guide to Life yet, you should swing by Barnes and Noble and get a dog up ya. Some guy called in to ask Jason his queef experience and we’ve all seen the Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat, so we know exactly what a queef is and it really doesn’t require that much conversation. Tully found a news story about a snake handler priest who was recently killed after suffering several poisonous snake bites, because not getting bitten doesn’t mean that god likes you, it means that you’ve gotten lucky and haven’t pissed off the snake in a good long time. There were some more phone calls and stuff, and that was all fine and dandy and shit. The guys had to cut it short though, cause Tony Hawk’s Demolition Radio was live and somehow that was preventing Tony from helping promote Jason’s new book.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,