The pee-pee fairy is real!
So there I was… listening intently to my favorite show when suddenly it dawned on me. “Hey! It’s Monday and I’m supposed to be writing a re-cap!” Cool story, huh? Yeah. Well don’t worry. I’m here! So first things first, the show is from that place where a lot of bimbos are kept, lots tan people (aka Mexicans) are running around, and everyone wears goofy sunglasses that way too large for their heads. Ellis is doing his best to fight the pee-pee fairy, you know – it lives in your underwear and steals the last drop of piss from your wiener. Tully just lives in denial to the pee-pee fairy because he wears really dark underwear, therefore never seeing the tell-tail signs of the pee-pee fairy or his skidmarks. Ellis saw his ex-wife cry in front of Katie. Tiger was getting weirded out about this half black, half white kid chasing him at Sky Zone or whatever trampoline world place they were at to celebrate his birthday. Ellis was busy blowing up balloons and making “blow me” jokes when he saw Devin, mommy, & grandma b-line it to the bathroom. Turns out there was some weird family issue with the aunt and it got pretty uncomfortable and a little tense. Ahhh, family. We’ve all got one. Well most of us do, unless your family is dead or didn’t want you as a child and left you by a trash can at a Walmart. What? Did I say something wrong? Break time!
Ready for training?
And we’re back! Joey Diaz is in studio and we’re talking about the smartest kid ever, who sold Girl Scout cookies outside of a weed dispensary. Joey thinks Ellis looks like the ultimate road warrior, this lead to Joey telling the story of how he knew the key grip or something from the Mad Max movies, which led into Dances With Wolves and failing eye sight as you age. What? You can’t see the connection? Joey recently quit smoking weed, now he just vaporizes it. A lot of it. If you’re familiar with him, you know he’s been a heavy weed smoker for a long time. No, I mean a heavy into weed. Like he out baked Doug Benson heavy. This is him trying to bring his lungs back into shape so he can really start seeing the benefits of jiu-jitsu. We got to hear about how CoCo used to carry around a machine gun and acquired a trunk load of cocaine and how he went to prison. Again, if you’re familiar with Diaz, he’s got more stories than Stephen King and almost all of them are pretty crazy. He kidnapped a dude in 1988, bumped into the dude again in ’94 and tried to apologize but as one might expect, it was accepted. He tried to friend the guy on Facebook, the guy wouldn’t accept his friend request and then a quarter of a century later, the guy calls up Joey on his podcast and finally accepted his apology. See? He’s got some pretty gnarly stories. He talked about the recently deceased Harold Ramis and how he got to have a short part in one of his movies and picked his comedy brain for a couple days. Basically, I could write on for days and days about all the entertaining stories and life this guy has lived, but I just don’t have that kind of time. Fuck, I think the Internet might even run out of 1’s and 0’s if I typed all that shit. So if you want more Joey, catch him on his podcast, catch him on The Joe Rogan Experience, catch him in movies, catch him on Twitter, Facebook, you can catch this guy in a lot of place – just Google him. Break time!
When shit gets outta hand, Bourne-Tard is ready to keep people in line.
And we’re back! Aussie News time with the suicidal reproduction of mouse like marsupials who fuck themselves to death. Time to start paying the price for the bets that were made on the UFC fights this past weekend. To revisit, Tully bet if Rousey lost, he’d drink his own pee, if McMann lost, Cumtard would have to drink his own pee. Rousey won – even though people think the fight was stopped too soon – so that’s sippin’ on some pizzurp time for Kevikins. Cumtard also lost his bet with Ellis since Cummins lost, so now Cumtard will eat normal shit for 45 minutes and then eat a vomit inducing onion. In other MMA News, Cyborg really wants to take out Rousey but feels like Rousey and Dana White are doing all they can to avoid that fight, which isn’t surprising to hear come from Cyborg. A lot of people would like to see that fight happen, but the odds are probably pretty slim that it ever will. Let’s face it, Cyborg isn’t the most well liked fighter, lots of claims of her roid use, she doesn’t want to fight at the champion’s weight, and many people think she’s never fought anyone as good as Rousey. In who gives a shit news, Hulk Hogan is coming back to the WWE, brother. Moto News with Mike Alessie’s incident with Broc Tickle, where Alessie straight up took out Tickle. That bullshit earned him a fine of $4,000 from the AMA and a bunch of hate from fans, riders, and pretty much everyone except his daddy. Break time!
Remember how much Jason Bourne couldn’t handle even smelling onions?
And we’re back! This time with Cowfucker News. Old, inside show joke? Nope. There actually was news about a cow fucking duo busted by a farmer. Now, piss drinking time – allegedly. And there we go. Ok, that was a bit anti-climatic, right? Well it should come as no surprise that this isn’t the first time Tard-Tard has been sippin’ on some pizzurp. So, the only way to remedy this is to put the shock collar on him and make him start eating the onion. Houston, we have vomit. Before he could even get a mouthful in, he started gagging and spitting. The best way I can describe the sound of what happened during the bit is to have you imagine a mentally challenged person fucking the tracheotomy hole of another person, in an insane asylum, while two Japanese chicks barf into bowls who then trade bowls, and begin to consume each other’s vomit, causing them to vomit the other person’s vomit back up, but they vomit the vomit into the tracheotomy hole while the mentally challenged person continue to fuck it. Did you cum yet? Wilson’s super happy about all this because he’s in the middle of trying to hire a new employee while all this is going on, which you just know makes the person looking for a job there, super excited about their potential future career there. And now I just have one final story for you before putting a ribbon on this bitch and calling it my gift to you.
Anyone? Yes? No? Just me?
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure – I think maybe she choked.” Get it? Because he put his dick in her mouth. Instead of giving her oral sex. Get it? OH! (pee on you)