Happy Birthday Cliff Burton!!! Hopefully I’m spelling that right cause I’m too lazy to Google right now and…yup…that’s that..Happy Birthday I am too lazy to google the correct spelling of your name!!! God, I’m kind of a bitch. But i have nice boobs and a great ass and I can do a shoulder stand on my bed while Hubbs eats my pussy at 3 in the morning cause core strength is a thing and mula bandha, motherfuckers.
Yeah, though, so it’s Cliff Burton’s birthday and he is one of the top 3 metal musicians of all time of all instruments in Ellis’ opinion and that’s good enough for me to agree with him. Tully also agreed with Ellis about his metal musical greatness. Ellis turned up the volume on the song they were playing at the beginning of the show to hit Tully with some mind blowing lyrics but Tully was not blown away. Why? Because 98 percent of good lyrics are all gobbledegook with 2 percent dropping of the wisdom. Most lyrics, taken out of context, (the song) make no sense and should not ever be taken out of the song. Lyrics are like hot club chicks- in the harsh light of day those fuckers just do not hold up all that well. In other music related newsish type things- Tully, after decades of waiting, had the opportunity to talk (through Twitter) to one of the men behind his all time favorite glam rock bands from back in whatever day that was a thing..a producer for Pretty Boy Floyd and Tully is all kinds of pumped on it. They were almost unequivocally tied with the death of their genre, but when little 12 year old Tully saw their album cover depicting them on top of a building with lightening coming out of their fingers he was completely sold. I guess that’s just the kind of good decisions that 12 year olds make and let’s all be glad that you have to be at least 35 to run for President.
Ellis is tripping all kinds of balls at the moment cause he’s suffering, for the very first time in his life, from allergies and damn does that shit sucks. He commiserated with Tully on it for a while as Tully has had notoriously bad allergies since he moved from the East Coast to the West Coast and no one can tell him that allergies don’t suck. Non-allergy sufferers are usually pretty quick to dismiss allergies as something that pussies are afflicted with..but that’s because they aren’t in a constant state of fuzzy brained about to sneeze but can’t breathe and why the fuck are my eyes watering like i just watched The Notebook on repeat for 24 straight hours. I’m just guessing about the whole The Notebook thing. I’ve never watched it..but from what I’ve heard It’s impossible to watch that movie and not cry- the reviews online say that even Satan cried when he watched it. Anyway, Ellis’ allergies are bad but he’s determined to will the allergies out of his face because he needs to be in tip top shape for Ellismania next weekend. He even tried calling Mike Jasper to have the allergies punched out of his face, but alas, Jasper is also in the cranky death clutches of allergies and is unavailable to punch Ellis in the face until his allergies give up and run away. Jude came into the studio right about here when Tully invited anyone who had allergy home remedies to share to go right ahead and fuck themselves because his cure is drugs and the wonders of Western Medicine. Jude calls slight foul on Tully’s dislike for natural remedies because nature is awesome, man, and people were curing all types of shit before Western Medicine came along with a pill for any and everything that ails you. That somehow turned into a discussion on dinosaurs that took LSD..because why the hell wouldn’t it?
Speaking of dinosaurs and LSD..how about dick spray and diaper bags? I dare you to come up with a better segue, alright? I fucking dare you. But yeah, Jude apparently got a bunch of dick spray for free that helps keep a guy from nutting too quickly and decided to give it away paired with diaper bags made by Tully’s wife in case that well held nut makes a baby. Jude is a big fan of the diaper bags that Tully’s better half makes cause they’re a good understated diaper bag for a man to carry around. He also offers Ellis some of the spray to try, but Ellis says no thanks cause the pills that he’s on makes it take forever for him to cum as it is. On top of it being hard for Ellis to orgasm..he’s also been having to jack off cause Katie isn’t well and can’t have sex and, man, poor Ellis. Allergies, no sex, too much time jerking off so that it becomes borderline unenjoyable? That’s pretty rough. Jude also got his 23 and Me DNA profile back and it turns out he’s not fake Italian at all, which would be a big relief for his dad if he had ever told his dad in the first place. We don’t know yet how Neanderthal Jude is or isn’t cause a page of the profile is missing…but hopefully it’ll get tracked down and we’ll all pretend to act surprised when Ellis is still the most Neanderthal of them all. #Foreallyshow
Back from the break Tully has decided to play music from a band called Dead Cold Inside, from Ohio, who are being touted in the news as the worst metal band in the world. And. Oh my fucking God…they are shit. They played their music for far too long, in my humble opinion, and those guys should just stop. Ellis thinks that it has to be a joke and Tully is on the fence about it…but I agree with him when he says that if it is a joke they should out themselves because it takes a true level of genius to make something that completely shitty and without merit on purpose. I would go so far as to say that even if this band is completely serious about what they’re doing, they should cut their losses and try to convincingly pretend that yes, it’s all a joke and get a few pats on the back before riding off into the black whole of obscurity.
Time for a new segment! Ellis and Tully will be taking calls from women who are constantly being told by their significant others that they are complicated so that Ellis may help these women figure out a way to uncomplicate themselves for their SO and then everyone in the relationship is a winner. It was fairly entertaining, but there was a hitch. What was that hitch? Let me put it this way…they could probably change the title of the Segment to “Ellis Telling Women to Break up with Their Boyfriends” because that’s mostly what it was. Turns out that the women who were calling weren’t really all that complicated..they were dating fucking ginourmous asshole douchebags. Like the girl who called and said her boyfriend went from fucking her twice a day to him not touching her for going on five months now. Hate to tell ya lady, but you somehow were transitioned from girlfriend to side piece minus the piece. There was a girl who called, named Jennifer, who called for advice because she was dating a really great guy who would do anything for her but she is not sexually or physically attracted to him in any way. Ellis told her she was gross and politely explained to her that she was an asshole. It’s a good thing I wasn’t on the phone with her cause I probably would have called her a grimy whore and made her cry.
When we rejoined the guys after that segment we rejoined to find that not only did JFK smoke pot in the Oval Office with one of his side pieces..but that there were some guests! And who were those guests? Former interns HotDog (I was irrationally happy to hear him on the show again), Hardcore, and StupidTits. It was great to hear all of them on the show again and they did a good segment where they played a game of Ultimate Former Intern consisting of the following 6 rounds: Speech Jammery Poetry Slam, Celebrity Impressions, Pitch a Show, What’s My Order, Guest Hosting Dude is it Gay, and Freestyle Rap Battle. And yep, for those of you who can count that is only five rounds. There were five rounds…I don’t know why I had thought there were six but that’s what I get for not actually checking my notes before fucking writing that. I could go back and change it and pretend it never happened…but…I’m just too awesome for that. None of the former interns were all that affected by the speech jammer…only StupidTits was mildly affected and it seemed like it for worse as it went on, but FYI I think the message of his poem was pretty clear and it was that he would go full on gay for Ellis and swallow- not spit- if he were given a Big Daddy Jayce Cakes load. StupidTits was the overall winner of the day, but it was neck and neck the entire time. The rap battle was just as brutal as any rap battle that has happened on the show recently proving that only people who have been rapping their entire lives should be the only people trying to engage in a rap battle. HotDog rapped about having to pee…
Wrapping up the show there was some Ellismania talk and I kind of love when it gets really close and they’re talking about fights..it gets so intense. Ellis is really determined to put on a great show and make the ten fights he’s in good fights. He’s not conceded at all about winning, he says he doesn’t really care if he wins or not, he just cares that people are entertained. He talked to Will about his upcoming showdown with CumTard and the anty has been upped. Previously the stakes were that if Kevin loses then he will be eating onion rings off a dick. It now stands that if Will loses in the first round than everyone and a GoPro will be going to will’s house..which is something he desperately does not want. It should be interesting!!!!!
Until next time loves!!!