Breaker, breaker… anyone got their ears on? 10-4 good buddies, we’re live, over. So what’s your 20? We’ve got a bear in the bushes on 70 at yardstick fuck your mother. Nobody is that excited to see Craig Ferguson, everyone in TV land is being sold a pack of lies. Dingo is here, he probably knows Craig Fergo. Ellis saw Furious 7 and loved it (Hotdog style) and says it’s a great movie for everyone. He and some black lady had a similar sense of humor because they ended up laughing at all the same shit. Rhonda Rousey was in the movie along with Vin “deep voice” Diesel, but she looked like shit. Ellis thinks Michelle Rodriguez is hot. Gross. Some bitch-ass, stinking rat ass-bitch, claims DMX robbed him at a gas station. Turns out this bitch-ass-ass-bitch was just a bitch and so DMX’s security was just collecting bitch-ass-ass-bitch fees. Dingo knows all about it, he’s black and part of the hip hop culture. Nobody ever claimed DMX wasn’t gangster, nobody says jack shit about DMX unless they want their cranium cracked, n-bomb. Morrissey ain’t no gangsta like DMX, however, he does pack fudge about as much as DMX packs heat.
Dingo is super excited, he keeps talking over everyone but isn’t saying anything, he just keeps repeating himself (“Yeah but, yeah but, yeah but, yeah but, admitting, admitting, admitting, admitting”). He might be drunk, I don’t know. Ellis was involved in a kerfuffle with Katie and Andrea over the weekend, sounds like it’s about what he and Katie post on the Internet and what that may or may not be doing to the kids. Shit might have to get toned down a bit. There are a few other issues they’re working through as well. Isn’t divorce awesome? There was a lot said here, it touched a lot of aspects in general – there’s no way to accurately convey all that in a recap so you’ll just have to re-listen to it if you’re interested. MMA News brief time, they basically quickly covered who won their fights, you can look that up online. They talked about Al Iaquinta cursing at the crowd because the crowd was fucking lame and booing him for winning against a dude that coasted his way through 2 rounds. The
Venison Vision Verified Venetian Vespa Voltron fuck it, Julianna Peña won her comeback fight, she supposed to be on or calling into the show at some point, but sounds like she might be late, so we’ll see.
Walmart doesn’t plan to carry Rhonda Rousey’s upcoming book in their stores because she’s too violent, but you can still buy guns and shit there, so that makes total sense. What does Tully have in common with Sal Masekla? They both have the same “beard guy” they go see for trimmings, which is weird because I’ve never seen Tully with anything but scruff. They discussed all the other stupid shit not available in Walmart stores and then The Venezuelan Vixen called in. Who would you want to be your step-dad, which famous person would you be okay with just straight railing your mom’s cock garage? Let’s find out what everyone picked for their top 5:
- Dingo: I missed it.
- Will: I missed it.
- Cumtard: I missed it.
- Andrew: Brad Pitt
He wants Brad Pitt to fuck his mom because he loves the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
- Tully: Some small dude (I missed his name)
He wants to be able to beat him up – just in case shit gets all fucky.
- Ellis: Chad Reed
He thinks Reed would be a good father to him and they could bro down.
- Dingo: Greg Norman
He says Greg is a ledge, Australian sick cunt and plus Dingo’s mom likes golf.
- Will: James Caan
Because he’s got good movies and seems nice enough even though he looks a little rough.
- Cumtard: Small Hands
He picks Joanna Angel’s current boyfriend because he thinks he’ll fuck his mother really well, like she deserves to be fucked – porn star style.
- Andrew: Jerry Seinfeld
Because he’s funny, nice, likes nice cars, and maybe he’ll let Andrew drive one.
- Tully: Alex Trebek
His mother watches Jeopardy all the time, he might be bitchy about what and/or how she handles herself in the bedroom, but he thinks Trebek would be respectful about it.
- Ellis: Ice-T
Because he thinks Ice-T fucks hard and his mom needs a good ganster pump with ass slaps and just getting all up them guts.
- Dingo: Bill Murray
Nobody really has any reservations about Bill, except he might sweat a lot – he’s good to go.
- Will: Clint Eastwood
- Cumtard: Jackie Chan
Talk about your curve balls! Mumtard loves Jackie Chan and used to take little Cumtard to the movies to see Jackie Chan movies. Plus if some kind of shit went down, Jackie would be able to defend Mumtard.
- Andrew: Tim McGraw
Basically, Andrew is just picking men he wants to fuck, not men he thinks would be best for his mother. His mom probably hates country, but Andrew is being selfish and wants that country dick with a side of sausage gravy.
- Tully: Almost any man from the cast of Happy Days
However, that’s cheating, he can only pick 1 to satisfy his mom’s emotional and physical sexual urges so he chose Henry Winkler (Arthur ‘Fonzie’ Fonzarelli) because he’s hip, he’s cool, he can handle himself, and knows how to please the ladies.
- Ellis: The Rock
He thinks The Rock would power bang out his mom and then motivate her to be all she can be. Just with some strong Dwayne Johnson cock inside of her. But really, it’s the power pounding that is the selling point – team bring it!
- Dingo: Ellen Degeneres
Totally unfair choice because that’s not real fucking, even with a strap-on. So his next pick in line is Richard Branson. Dingo’s mom thinks he’s cute, he sails and she loves sailing, he owns a ton of shit, and he’s not around all that much because he’s busy with his empire.
- Will: Terry Bradshaw
Nobody understands this pick and that’s probably a good thing. Let’s face it, right here is yet another peek inside of a god damned monster’s mind, if you understand it, you’re probably a monster too! It makes no sense to any normal person, but to Will, this is a no brainer.
- Cumtard: David Beckham
Because he’s fit, he’s cut, got them washboard abs and shit, and Mumtard would able to go to the nail salon and brag about how she’s fucking D-Becks.
- Andrew: Ryan Gosling
Clearly another choice of a man he wants to have sex with himself, this has nothing at all to do with his mother. Sure, he was in The Notebook and he’s dreamy, but this isn’t about Andrew, it is supposed to be about his mom so he needs a new choice. His next choice just solidifies that he indeed choose men he wants to have sex with, he was going to choose Stone Cold Steve Austin, a drunk red neck who can power fuck him. He’s been told to set his own sexual fantasies aside, to stop thinking with his own asshole, and to think about his mother for the next round.
- Tully: Tom Jones
His own mother told him about how much she liked Tom, how women would throw their panties at him, and how he liked the “3 C’s”: Cigars, Cognac, and Cunt.
- Ellis: Michael Jordon
He’s an all-star and figures his mom would get a nice all-star fucking, Hitler mustache or not, she’s gonna get her hole dunked on with authority.
- Dingo: Mike Tyson
This is kind of an odd choice, it’s got panache and all, but let’s not forget Tyson was a total womanizer and may have allegedly raped a few bitches. That being said, he probably does fuck hard.
- Will: James Brolin
It sounds like a classy choice, but you have to wonder if it really is. Will says James seems like one of those “fancy” guys who would take her out to a nice dinner before straight up rearranging her innards with his dick. And in Alabama, that is fancy!
- Cumtard: Verne Troyer
Everyone agrees that choice is just mean. He wants his mom to
fuck a rathave a break? How is a drunk midget pissing all over himself and the house a break? It’s not! Not even for Mumtard!
- Andrew: Prince (the symbol)
While the movie Purple Rain showed Prince’s romantic side, I’m still not convinced Andrew doesn’t want Prince to outline his nude body with a single rose bud and then gently fuck him into ecstasy. But I guess we’ll have to take his word for it and believe it’s “for his mother’s benefit.”
- Tully: The Pope
Obviously there are pro’s and con’s here, but Tully is choosing to look at the silver lining. If it came out that The Pope was fucking his mother, the Internet would break and there would be such a huge scandal, Tully could officially die happy.
- Ellis: Batman
Because he’s sweet, has tons of money, he’s tough, but also wears make-up, and Ellis thinks his would be totally into getting a strong fuck by a man wearing make-up. She doesn’t want to be romanced, she wants to be plowed like a field in the 1800’s being tended to by the strongest of slaves on the plantation and then whipped before she’s sent to sleep in a hole in the ground and awoken at that crack of dawn to start her work day all over again.
The guy that made the last EllisMania trophies (Chris?) stopped by the studio today, he made a new Wheel of Doom for the show. Ellis has to spin the wheel for something or another and now Tully does too because he’s been reading a story for several days that was an April Fool’s Day joke. See? He didn’t get that news from his trusted news source, and now he’s paying for it. There are 2 spots on the Wheel of Doom that need to be filled and those options were discussed, one of which was a suggestion to go to a tanning booth for 6 minutes and hope you don’t get the “devil’s itch.” Dingo is seriously not into that at all and Tully is right behind Dingo. I’m not sure that was ever settled but whatever. Dingo talked about some dude that was on the show Naked and Afraid (?) and how that dude got the devil’s itch on his cock, yada, yada, yada. And then that pretty much brought us to the end of show. So there ya go, good buddies. Signing off from The Gateway, watch out for them baby bears and bears in the air and stay tuned into Sesame Street for all the latest updates on that big slab so you don’t have to hear it from your travel agent and can keep that hammer down!