I really can’t think of a good intro and it’s seriously irritating me…I guess this is kind of how Ellis felt when he wanted to open the show to all sorts of applause and wild wolf calls and to feel the real rush of fun and excitement fill his ears and he couldn’t because none of his buttons were on point. All of the applause were fucking unsatisfactory and how lame is that?!?! Why was the crowd at Ellismania 10 not mic’d up and recorded?! Those are the motherfucking applause that Ellis wants to hear! Dammit!!
But, whatever, because Ellis and Tully are throwing us a major curveball and there’s a guest before the first break! Holy shit! And it was Ludacris! He was super pumped to be on the show and it seemed like he clicked right away with Tully and Ellis and it was great. He was only in the studio for about a half an hour cause, you know, super busy promoting the new Fast 7 movie and his new album Ludaverse (which dropped today and you should probably download) but he brought a really good energy to the beginning of the show. I do think he was a little on the fence about Ellis calling him and all sorts of other famous people assholes, but once he realized that Ellis also wants to be a famous asshole it was all good. They talked a bit about mma and Luda told Ellis and Tully about a form of martial arts (not officially recognized yet) called 52 Blocks, which seems to involve a lot of bum rushing and close quarter combat and is practiced in prisons a lot, but Ellis was intrigued. They talked about fighting and Luda even asked Ellis to spar with him some time. They talked about the Fast Franchise and how it’s sad that Paul Walker died, but also about how they really are a family and they don’t just hang out when they’re shooting, but they get together all the time off set and on their downtime. All their little famous kids hang out together and the next generation of Fast is already among us and we barely even know it.
And then Jude comes by and it’s his first time being on the show since he went and became a famous asshole! Ellis told Jude that he was so proud of him and was happy for everything that was going on, which made me fill with ‘aws’ because I’m super pumped for Jude and all his success. Ellis said he always knew Jude could be huge because he’s great at what he does, and Jude told Ellis that he was his inspiration and I nearly died. It was such a bromance moment but, I really loved it. Jude told Ellis that he inspired him to work harder and work in a better direction and get things done…and I mean, really, he made it to the Stern show, which is a pretty big deal. I know that Ellisfam is full of haters, and I’m not exactly a fan, but this is big for our resident white black guy and we should all stop the hate and start the applause. If only there were an acceptable button.
Cumtard was late to work today because he has terrible sunburn. He went to the tanning salon to get a base tan on his pasty spass and after being assured by the dude there that he could spend six minutes in a particular bed and be golden, he turned in pot a lobster Cumtard with the Devils Itch. Apparently it’s a thing. He says that he was pacing around his place itching and screaming and it’s terrible and he was completely unable to come into the studio, but then he did anyway, probably to delight us all with his tale of hilarious misery. He went to the local gnc to try some homegrown remedies which involved peppermint oil, aloe Vera gel, and aquaphor. But he, of course, got peppermint oil in his butt and on his ball sac which hurt like hell, and, oh Cumtard. Andrew recommended duct taping his hands together, which set off a bad spiral of green room pussy bitching about who’s being mean to who all of the time and Cumtard was pretty convincing when he said he would punch Andrew in the face if he tried to duct tape his hands together (and also if he could reach that high). Tully then brought up the idea that had been tossed around of each of the guys writing their own country song and they listened to a bunch of terrible country beds and we can look forward to hearing those TJES country songs in the near future. Who is not excited about that ?!?!?
Will was in the studio with some of his news, which included a story about a man who drove off of a bridge and killed his wife because he was listening to his gps and his gps directed him to go on a bridge (which had been coned off) and the bridge was out of service cause it had a huge gap in it and he’s the kind of dumbass that blindly goes wherever a machine tells him to go without actually using his eyeballs and yes, this is the kind of person who needs to be extinct because he’s making it easier for the Terminator apocalypse to happen. Will also informed us that some people are pissed off because Indiana passed a law making it okay for businesses to discriminate against gay people for religious reasons…and this is exactly why the government should have nothing to do with religion. I mean, seriously, what the fuck. There shouldn’t be any discrimination for any reason, I don’t care what the fuck your big invisible man in the sky has to say! I’m pretty sure he says that it’s okay to stone women who don’t listen the their husbands in some cultures…why the fuck is it okay that this is a thing ?!?! We also found out that there is a Weed Church and a church that worships the penis and the penis one has super creepy daily prayers when they’re read by Tully. I mean…I’m always ready to get down on my knees and do some worshipping…but hearing Tully read it was just creepy. It probably didn’t help that someone on Instagram was sending me unsolicited dick pics and it was getting super annoying because Hubbs is all the dick I need. And I get bummed out when that can’t be respected. If I say no dick pics, that means no dick pics. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to think about it, I think that you’re sad because you have resorted to showing me your penis over the internet because I don’t want to see it in real life. Ugh. Pain in the ass. I hate blocking people, but the fucktard was so blocked. California just had to get more cells cause they have a shit ton of people on death row that they aren’t executing and they can’t seem to find the simple solution of just executing them.
At the end of the show, Tyrese, also of Fast 7 fame was in the studio…and I did not like him. At all…I was so pumped from Ludacris being awesome but then Tyrese brought me right down. I just felt like he was weird and vibing Ellis and Tully and…Tyrese bummed me out. He was just weird. I can’t even explain it. And it bummed me out harder that that was how the show ended because Tyrese got there late cause he’s one of those famous assholes.