Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/30/2015


3 Aussie’s on the show at 1 time?

Word is up my homies? Increase the peace, in your neighborhood, yo! I am very sorry if you cannot understand my lingo, I developed as a child in the streets and schools in my area. Take a minute to think about how sweet you are, look in the mirror, tell yourself, “self, you’re fucking sweet!” There are lots of Australian’s in Ellis’ life and on the show right now. There are 2 Australian’s at Ellis’ house, a friend of his little brother Stevie and his fiance. And of course there’s Dingo, and Dingo brought in another Aussie, Corbin Harris. Dingo has a bitch wrist, he needs one of them chips moto riders put in their wrist. Corbin has replaced Ellis as Tony Hawk’s Australian friend, and Ellis isn’t happy about that. Corbin is the new version of Ellis, just way better at it. I think that’s what was said anyway, I’m not sure, I don’t speak Australian. Things immediately went to the days of old, when Ellis, Danny Way, and Colin McKay were on a tour in Australia, you know the deal, you’ve heard it before. Ellis took a dig at Dingo for being a snowboarder. Dingo took a dig at Ellis for snowboarding being in the Olympics but skateboarding isn’t. Ellis said “fack ohff!” Then Dingo came back with “nah, mate!” And Tully and Corbin were like “…” Naked paintballing should be in the Olympics. Or not. Dingo is slaying poon almost as much as the Fucklord, Will Pendarvis. Apparently its a big thing in LA, some chicks fuck dudes for a purse, or rent, or some free drinks, maybe a sock drawer in the house. We got a full lesson on how Dingo and Corbin go to the club, wait for the hottest whore to hook up with a really rich & famous guy, then wait for the rest of the whores to lower their standards and that’s when Dingo & Corbin come in to scoop up some blow jobs. Dingo watched Going Clear last night, the documentary about Scientology. Bonus fact, I watched it too. We both agree it’s freaky as fuck – total cult – so basically nothing you already didn’t know in that aspect. However, there are a few things I didn’t know, which just served to make it even more freaky. Tully doesn’t understand how money equates to power. I think he must be trolling Dingo because that’s crazy talk. Anyway, it’s pretty bat shit crazy and interesting enough to watch. Cumtard is sunburned, Tully noticed he’s walking like a shit himself. He pulled down his pants and holy shit, he’s burnt to a crisp. The tanning place he went to completely cooked him. I think they planned on eating him until they noticed his cysts bursting and sizzling. Tully just started watching Cosmos and is interested in the science behind shooting Cumtard’s burnt skin with a bug assault gun.


Dreams are weird, right?

Supercross was in St. Louis this weekend. Fuck yeah it was. Seriously. It fuckin was. Nobody watched it though. Dingo knew who was going to win because, duh, Dingo knows everything about everything. You should know that by now. Kids in school, today, like today today, are watching a 3-4 minute video on Dingo’s life. God help us all. Kids are our future, and Dingo is here to mold and shape them, to give them examples of how he never committed suicide and if they don’t commit suicide, they too can be rich, fuck hot bitches for a purse, own a company, work for Diddy, and know everything about everything. Ellis was supposed to watch the WWE this weekend. He didn’t. He couldn’t. And it was all Andrew’s fault. Andrew watched it. He also watched NAACP basketball games and shit. Anyway, someone in the WWE has a briefcase and they carry it around with them all the time and threaten people with opening the briefcase. I assume the briefcase contains The Ark of the Covenant and if you look at it, you die. Ellis says sharks cannot catch and eat a normal, healthy, non-injured dolphin. Ever. Dingo is calling bullshit on this, big time. Dingo the shark is even worse, he’d never even get close enough to dolphins to tell it was a dolphin. His best bet is to be some magical shark in India, where the people take care of him and throw him whole chickens and shit. They looked for some YouTube videos on a shark killing a dolphin to prove Ellis wrong, the video was inconclusive. Then they saw still images of a shark that took a chunk out of dolphin, but maybe it was photoshopped or something. Dingo thinks this proves him right though, but no way mate. Tully had a dream that some sexy anime chicks showed up at his house and his wife was wondering what the fuck the deal was. He explained it was for their child, but the chicks weren’t there for that, they wanted to strip for Tully. His wife takes their kid to go have breakfast while the anime chicks strip for Tully and he’s left wondering if his wife is pissed or giving him a hall pass. He started getting jerked off by one of the anime chicks who was really old, but he never came. THERE’S A MAN ON THE TV SCREEN! This is about where Corbin decided he had to leave. Cumtard has been having a reoccurring dream lately where he’s sucking his own dick. He can’t do that in real life, but in his dream he can. He’s totally into it and then realizes that he’s sucking his own dick in his livingroom while company is there sitting next to him. Ellis says that means he’s gay for himself and that he’s worried about expressing himself in front of his friends. They watched video of a guy fucking himself.


Would you hit it?

Dingo knows a pro snowboarder who ate his own shit. Some other guy shit in that guys mouth and then that guy ate the other guys shit. Shit, man. That shit eater might be in jail now. Dingo will be giving Kelly Osbourne the regards of Ellis and Tully, at their wedding – Dingo & Kelly’s, not Jason & Mike’s. What chicks would you not want to fuck? Dingo doesn’t want to fuck Hillary Clinton, Octomom, Bruce Jenner, Lindsay Lohan, or Elsa Patton. Andrew doesn’t want to fuck Barbara Bush, Rosie O’Donnell, Gabourey Sidibe, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, or Sinéad O’Connor. Cumtard doesn’t want to fuck Jennifer Garner, Tori Spelling, Big Ang, Kim Kardashian, or Melanie Griffith. Will doesn’t want to fuck Margaret Cho, Paula Deen, Ann Coulter, Maria Shriver, or Nancy Grace. Tully doesn’t want to fuck Whoopi Goldberg, Miriah Carey, Liza Minnelli, Giuliana Rancic, or Rumer Willis. Ellis doesn’t want to fuck Will Pendarvis, Patti Stanger, Kirstie Alley, Cheryl Miller, or Bindi Irwin. Bonus, here’s my list of people I don’t want to fuck: Michelle Rodriguez, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Rosie Perez, Cristiane “Cyborg” Justino, or Paula Poundstone. Red Dragons have their own beer now. It’s true, Dave The Voice Boyce sent a bottle to Ellis.

Tully had an international version of the Google auto-complete game. I was driving home though so I don’t have any of those for you. Basically, people in Serbia are wondering about their mental illness, want to get drunk but don’t like the taste of alcohol, and they hate women a lot. Chicks in Finland have farts that are worse than their male counterparts – which is to say – fucking horrible. Somewhere in the world, people are wondering why the women there have so many spots in the underwear. The French hate themselves and fart a lot. Hungarians don’t have any matches on Tinder and like to feel sad. The game brought us into final calls and then just like that, the show was over, and so is this recap.


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