Holy motherfucking crap do I hate the update on the SiriusXM app!!! So annoying!!! I don’t care what any of them say!!! I mean..Andrew the Giant sounded like he was reading off a cue card as he talked about it at the end of the show (while simultaneously blowing SiriusXM) and Will was all ‘it’s so much better it just takes getting used to’ and I’m all I DONT FUCKING CARE BECAUSE I CANT GET USED TO IT BECAUSE IT CRASHES EVERY TEN GODDAMN MINUTES!!! I tried deleting it and re-installing and it didn’t help. Is there an update with a big fix for the update? Ugh! Alright..I got it out. I think I’m done. I did manage to grin and bear it and not chuck my phone across the room and listen to most of the show, just only missing bits and bobs here and there because the fricking app hated me (and most other people) today.
Welcome to the Wow, Holy Shit Ellis is more intense than the satisfying appetizer that he intended to be Show Recap on this wonderful Tuesday! I’m here to tell you what Ellis told me and therefore all of you and it all boils down to drive through Siracha is made out of urine and mayonnaise so stop believing the lies and make your sandwich at home like Tully the Oxford boy. Boom *drops mike, walks offstage* the end. No, just kidding. I don’t like hot sauce at all so I have no real input either way on Siracha from the bottle versus when you get it drive through at Taco Hell..one of my friends posted to Facebook about it and said it tasted like assvomit, and she loves food, so I’m backing her on that. It tastes like assvomit.
But, back on the subject of Tully sandwich maker and cohost extraordinaire..damn you look good in selfies on Instagram son! Tully shaved recently, making that the third time in the past decade or so and he is in the stage of going from being babyfaced to being all beardy again and he has ingrown hair devil horns on his jaw and then he and Ellis went into a huge diatribe about having zits and blackheads and the joys of popping them. Ellis apparently has had a nlackhead on his back for his entire life that Katie misses when it’s gone and he played Tully a video of her popping it because everyone should get to enjoy it. Tully revealed that his wife doesn’t pop his zits and he doesn’t do it for her either and I thought that was kinda sad. I mean..Ive never had a zit popped by anyone else and I’ve never had a pore unclogged by someone who wasn’t licensed to do so…but I take great pleasure in doing it for Joe. It’s fun. Also…I was blessed with great skin. When I do go to an aesthetician I am always told that my skin is flawless and my friends hated me throughout puberty because a terrible breakout for me was one pimple. Yeah..I’m one of those assholes.
Ellis talked a bit about 6 year olds being idiots when it comes to BJJ, and also about how he was gonna do a trade with Burts Mega Mall to get daddy a bike so he could ride Moto with Tiggie, but that turned into a conversation about coolers and how the ice hole cooler that THC mailed him can keep ice all ice for like a week and that shit is awesome. It also turns out that he isn’t getting a bike from Burts, he got it from someone else and now he can put his roll of money from his cigar box back into the cigar box- or buy a shit ton of candy. Tully recommended that he put it back in the cigar box and save it for another rainy day sort of thing and forego the candy binge.
Ellis also revealed that he listened to a replay of TJES over the weekend and he enjoyed it so much that he didn’t change the channel and was laughing at shit he said and it made him feel good because he loves entertaining all of us wonderful people :) Tully told him to never listen again because he should leave while he’s all high on himself because it’s a bummer to listen when its a shit show, and everyone knows that try as they might- shit shows do happen and it’s painful to listen to. Ellis also heard himself on a replay of Howard Stern and he said he was trying way too hard to be funny. He keeps listening to Howard cause he’s trying to hear Jude’s interview on the show and it was amazing and Ellis supports his pals.
Stay tuned cause there’s big guests on the show today!!! Dana White and Bianca Kajlich!! But first…News with Will!!! What’s in the news? Well, first and foremost Apple Cofounder Mr. Someguywhosenameidontcaretogoogle is afraid that technology becoming sentient and robots taking over the world a la Terminator is gonna happen. Fuck that noise. The second that Siri talks to me first I’m going to kidnap The Governator and Ed Furlong and get off the grid and spend the rest of my days in a super cozy bunker being all alive and having lots of sex. Will also had a news story where the NY Times interviewed a robot implanted with human consciousnesses and I’m with Ellis saying “Fuck you and your robot who has no soul or vagina”. Will also shared that 47% of all Americans live paycheck to paycheck and have no ability to put money into savings which launched a philosophical debate over wether we humans live to work or work to live. Listen..we all know that by the time we reach retirement age there will be no more social security because of our baby boomer parents and we are all doomed to work to live because of it so it doesn’t matter. Sorry Pendarvis, Tully is right, it’s not our right to have any length of time to be spent at our leisure after we become physically incapable of working. I’m gonna keep playing the lottery. Or..I’ll start, I guess, since I currently live paycheck to paycheck and don’t waste money on the lottery.
But then Dana White comes in and I missed the first couple minutes because Faction with Jason Ellis became ‘unavailable’ and when I rejoined they were talking about being in their 40s and feeling like their bodies are giving up on them…so you know, fuck working until we die because shit starts heading real south once you hit the big 45. Dana says its a fight for him to get on the treadmill every day and yes, Ellis is insane for trying to still be any kind of fighter. They talk a bit about the upcoming fight and the current tour of Jose Aldo and Coonie MaGroobie and how Coonie could really fucking win because he’s insane and he’s a great fighter. Either way, it is going to be one hell of a fight and Coonie is already getting under Aldo’s skin on the press tour…so we shall see what happens.
Back from another break and from some more app fuck ups, Bianca Kajlich star of NBC show Undateable and wife of Mike Catherwood is in the studio to chat about her show. Except, she doesn’t ever really talk about her show. They all talk about life for a while and…I’m kinda starting to not like when she’s on the show all that much cause I feel like it’s one big therapy session. Ellis does get out a story about his brother saying he was never molested by their dad off his chest and thanks his ability to do that to antidepressants, but Bianca does think that Ellis seems to be walking around without a huge weight on his shoulders. The best thing really to come out of this was The Ass of Bianca Kajlich- a tumblr account dedicated to her ass, which I perused and enjoyed a lot because damn, she has a great ass!!! Go to tumblr and check it out!! If you have tumblr give that shit a follow!!!
At then end of the show Andrew pit Ellis versus CumTard in a battle of the Tards for US Citizenship since Ellis wants to become a U.S. Citizen. He asked them both questions which Ellis could be asked by a proctor for the test and I was so happy that I knew the answers. I remember that my US History teacher in high school gave is a copy of the test on the first day of class..it’s tough! I passed it, but I also know I got things wrong. I mean..it is kind of weird that people who want to live here tend to know this stuff better than people who’ve been here their entire lives.
That’s about all I have tonight guys…but I did want to let everyone know my dad’s surgery went well yesterday. I was able to visit him today (only for 15 minutes cause he’s in the ICU being super closely monitored) but he was doing good. He was sitting up and in good spirits and his color was great. Just seeing how well he was doing made me feel so much better. He’ll be in there for at least a week being monitored to make sure they don’t have to do another surgery..but hopefully he won’t need it and he can go home again. Thanks so much for all of the love and support you all continue to show!!!