Gaze deeply into Dingo’s eyes until you grow luscious locks like his!
It’s Monday. And this is a recap. Are you ready for a loud Dingo? I hope so, because he’s in the studio. Ellis might hire Dingo to say “Jason Ellis” in his big boy voice, but he might have to work on it because he doesn’t really have that deep of a voice. Dingo’s elevator talks to him and his cereal berates him. Ellis used to pray to get his wife back, but that didn’t happen so either there is no god or maybe there is a god and god was all like, “dude, you don’t want that” and therefore didn’t give his wife back. Dingo would go to church with Ellis if he wanted. But I’m pretty sure the congregation would forcibly remove Dingo because he just can’t go more than 60 seconds without being loud. That’s our Dingo! Jon Jones almost lost his fight with Alexander Gustafsson, but the Lord is a big Jones fan so you know what’s up. No matter if he like either one of those dude or not, their fight was pretty amazing, you could even say it was almost, god-like. Speaking of god/s, Ellis and Katie went to see Metallica and they were so close to James Hetfield that Ellis almost cried like 3 times. Apparently, Scott Greenstein knows Metallica and was a big part of some things Ellis was into when he was younger, which blew Ellis’ mind a bit. Ellis saw a bunch of other people there as well. He talked Opie, you know – that dude from Opie & Anthony. They talked about their past shit talking back and forth sessions and shit and talk, in the end Opie & Ellis are cool with each other. Howard Stern gangled up in the Metallica concert as well. That’s all we really were supposed to know, but we overheard Ellis talking to Wilson on “accident”. Everyone started cheering for Stern and all Ellis could think of was how he’s gonna take that shit. He’s super jealous but he also thinks it’s straight up gross that he’s so jealous of wanting to be as big and import as Stern. And that’s how Tully got hepatitis.
Shout out to Tiger, who’s now a baller!
Tiger discovered his balls this weekend. He asked his mommy what they were, then he started squeezing them until one of his balls did what balls sensing danger do, it went and hid. Then he pushed them together and showed his mommy that when he does this, it looks like a butt. And so starts an entire lifetime of playing with one’s balls. Have fun kid, you’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life. Gabe Ruediger is apparently feeling neglected this time around since Ellis fans aren’t razing him as much. So some of us hardcore fans started tough talking Gabe using #DummyTrashTalking. News time! A Texas jury gave a 44 year-old woman a life sentence for a DUI conviction because it was her 6th DUI. Take that Bartles & Jaymes! Hey, are you like Rawdog and just toss your old phone in the trash? Why the fuck do you do that? You could keep it, sell it, trade it, give it away, but no. You wanna fill up a landfill, don’t ya? The new iPhone 5 has a level on it, because do you know how many burly construction dudes have the latest phone for women and dudes that love to accessorize? Ellis got sent a CD of some unsigned band and the guys reminded everyone to send in their unsigned bands, so do that. Katie put a post up on Instagram, so eat a dick everybody! I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean any harsh feelings. I love you. Anyways, this brought up Bieber talk and I’m not having any of it, so BLA-DOW! A caller phoned in to tell Ellis that Tom Leykis was talking about Ellis on his show, and then everybody was like – PSSSHHHHH! You ever have a family pet try to get all up in your sexy times? Yeah, those fuckers are creepy gross. And don’t do what Dingo does, which is fondle his dog’s balls.
Intern angst.
Some chick in Canada with retarded kids bought a vitamin water and under the cap, it said “You retard” which of course sent her into a retarded rage and Coca-Cola had to apologize for predicting who was going to get that bottle of sweet justice. Speaking of retard, Ellis wants a big ass Nerf basketball on Rawdog’s microphone because he eats his microphone and it’s too loud. This brought us to Wilson who brought in a picture of his ex-wife’s dashboard that said “refill now butthole” which totally reminded him of how his ex-wife talked to him. One of the new interns, Lynette, was the focus of a “game” Wilson spent many a night thinking very in depth about. The game? How much does everyone know about her, Wilson giving the guys 3 options to choose from for each answer. Come to find out, she has 2 half-black sisters who are both Olympiads, in different sports. She also went skinny dipping in Loch Ness with some Scotsman, she’s been to 14 Coachella’s, she ran into a parked car while she was high on that sticky-icky, went to Paris Hilton’s something or another, she was an overweight kid, got hit by a car while jaywalking, and she got fired after 1 week of working as a hostess for having an attitude.
If you’re still reading, practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation, or committing suicide, hang in there!
You ever wondered what it was like to fly like an eagle, doot-doot-doo-doo? Ever wanted to be an eagle? Too fucking bad, you’re human. However, you can see what it’s like by watching this video of a GoPro strapped to an eagle in flight! Dingo’s dad used to live in Kualdalaupe, which of course is in some imaginary country that is made up of a bunch of other countries that takes up pretty much all of Southern Asia. Get the cock off your chest was next up and it seems a lot of dudes have been pissing the bed lately, like an excessive amount of dudes and an excessive amount of piss. Let’s see how many of you are still actually reading this recap. 2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder, ½ teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon sugar, ¾ teaspoon salt, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper, 4 ounces shredded sharp cheddar cheese, 1 cup cold buttermilk, ½ cup melted unsalted butter and cooled for 5 minutes. For the topping, 2 tablespoons melted unsalted butter, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, 1 teaspoon minced fresh parsley. And there you have some basic ingredients for Red Lobster’s cheddar bay biscuits. If you’re still reading, you’re welcome. And with that, like an alcoholic or a necrophiliac, it’s time for me to go crack open a cold one. OH!
